Giving someone a chance

[Kid_Charlemange]

OK LS people, please settle a bet for me.

 

Background. Woman approached me on OKC. We live about 100 miles away, but the back and forth emails were pretty good. Decided to meet roughly "in between" for a first date at a winery. It goes great.

 

Dates 2-4 are each even better. We're really hitting it off. She keeps telling me how funny I am, and how amazed at how compatible we are.

 

We eventually arrange for an overnight meetup at a B&B. It goes fantastic. The sex is terrific. She meets some of my friends, I meet some of hers.

 

We text and FB chat for literally hours each night for two weeks, during which I'm to come visit her at her house. We spend the weekend together. Again, as far as I can tell, things are damn near perfect. Her cats even like me. The sex is better than before... all five times.

 

She emails me that Monday and says it's over, that she's tried to make this work, but there's something not there. We discuss it -- she keeps saying she feels so sad that this didn't work, because I was so "perfect" in almost every way -- and she finally comes clean. It's my physical looks. That she was so swayed by the wit, humor, intelligence, creativity, blah blah blah that she tried, REALLY TRIED, to get past the appearance, but knows she can't do it, so it's better to end it now before anyone gets hurt.

 

She's pretty, in a sort of non-traditional way, but has a simply incredible body. Yes, she's "out of my league" but so are 99% of the women on this planet. I get that.

 

A few friends have been shocked that we split, saying we seemed so great together. And this woman was all over me most of the time, slipping kisses in, caressing my butt, initiating sex in the middle of the night, etc. So yeah I was a little surprised that there was "no attraction." The friends are saying, "What a shallow *****!" but I've been defending her.

 

Look: This site, and many others, are filled with laments from ugly guys saying "If only women would give me a chance." Well... this one did. And for two months, she was trying to see if the other charms could outweigh the looks. And rather than string me along and potentially break my heart a few months or even years down the road, she made a clean break. Yes, I was very in to her. She's the first woman I've dated since my last LTR that I could see myself being with forever. I was smitten.

 

So, which is right?

1) Never giving an ugly guy a chance at all (which is what most women do)

2) Giving him a chance until you're pretty sure his other charms, considerable though they may be, just can't overcome his looks.

 

I think answer 2) is admirable. I have zero regrets, and zero animosity for this woman, and in fact after a "cooling off" period I very much hope we can remain friends.

[Kid_Charlemange]

An interesting article about this very subject.

 

I Am Not Physically Attracted to My Boyfriend. Can We Possibly Have a Future Together?

[Philosoraptor]

In the end you weigh a person as a whole.

 

It's great to be open enough to look at the entire picture, not enough people give it a chance. But the same things happen to great looking guys who are boring and offer nothing else. Once the entire portrait is laid out we make a choice on whether it's enough or whether it's not enough.

 

Kudos to you for the mature outlook.

[slizl]

Good for you being so positive about the whole situation! I'm just hoping that she realizes her mistake and comes crawling back to you and it ends up working out. Looks are important, but they also fade. I would much rather spend my life with someone average looking that I had a blast with than a knockout who I wasn;'t compatible with. With your attitude, I know you are going to find the woman of your dreams and make her super happy!

[jay1983]

It's kinda sad, but this is human nature. Although I sometimes wonder how much of physical attraction is natural and how much is put in out heads through the media. IDK

[fred123]

i think you have to understand that most girls wud never even sleep with the guy so ur lucky she even gave u a chance. most guys end up getting strung a long and never get anything from her.

 

i think you wud have been pissed if u spent a whole month talking to her and meeting up with her and nothing happened and she put u in the friendzone. thats why ur not pissed

[jay1983]

i think you have to understand that most girls wud never even sleep with the guy so ur lucky she even gave u a chance. most guys end up getting strung a long and never get anything from her.

 

i think you wud have been pissed if u spent a whole month talking to her and meeting up with her and nothing happened and she put u in the friendzone. thats why ur not pissed

 

So if she wasn't physically attracted to him, how was she able to get aroused and sleep with him multiple times?

[BluEyeL]

So if she wasn't physically attracted to him, how was she able to get aroused and sleep with him multiple times?

Yes, I am a woman and I wondered about that too. It looks to me that it was more of a narcissistic thing, i.e. she cares about the image (whether or not he's arm candy to show around), not that she isn't attracted. I wouldn't be able to sleep with a man I'm completely not attracted to. Giving a chance for me would mean going out with him a few times, and deciding there is no chemistry/i can't get over his looks, I would not sleep with him.

[preraph]

How did she get aroused and sleep with him? As she said, She tried. She wasn't all that into it. Doesn't mean she did or did not fake it because sometimes you can have sex and "get there" even when you're not into the person. It's different with everyone. Probably she just really was good to him in bed so he thought everything was great. But the spark just wasn't there for her. I will say though, to soften the blow, that she at least found you acceptably decent enough looking to even get that far, I imagine. It just didn't increase to the level she wants from spending time together to get to know you. But it was a nice fling, though. As a woman, I've been in that position quite a few times when I was young. It doesn't just happen to men.

[Hopeful30]

deleted*******************

Edited August 14, 2014 by Hopeful30

[BluEyeL]

They haven't dated for that long, so I think she was fine.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Doesn't mean she did or did not fake it because sometimes you can have sex and "get there" even when you're not into the person.

 

What she told me was that the "great sex" was one of things that made her want to try harder to make this work. She even told me that it was a surprise for her that it was so enjoyable, that normally she isn't that into it unless she has a "deep bond" with the partner.

 

I think she's hurting a little. I'm exactly what she's looking for in almost every area. Again, I appreciate her honesty.

[carhill]

So, which is right?

1) Never giving an ugly guy a chance at all (which is what most women do)

2) Giving him a chance until you're pretty sure his other charms, considerable though they may be, just can't overcome his looks.

 

Personally, I'd not give any woman the time of day who ever mentioned or alluded to the word 'chance' in relation to any relations we might have. I find that attitude to be highly offensive and not worthy of my time nor valuable interest nor love. EOS

[Mike B.]

 

A few friends have been shocked that we split, saying we seemed so great together. And this woman was all over me most of the time, slipping kisses in, caressing my butt, initiating sex in the middle of the night, etc. So yeah I was a little surprised that there was "no attraction." The friends are saying, "What a shallow *****!" but I've been defending her.

 

 

This demonstrates obvious attraction no matter how big your nose may be. I don't get this story.

[Kid_Charlemange]

This demonstrates obvious attraction no matter how big your nose may be. I don't get this story.

 

How so?

 

It seems reasonable to me.

 

1. He's ugly, but he's funny. I'll go out with him

2. He's ugly, but it was a great date, I'll see him again.

3. He's ugly, but we're 100% compatible and I enjoy being with him so I'll agree to an overnight date

4. He's ugly, but I'll have sex with him to see if it "flips" my opinion

5. The sex was great, but I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who looks like this. I tried.

6. End it now before someone gets hurt.

 

Isn't that kinda logical?

[Jame22]

Clean this mess up else we'll all end up in jail, the test tubes and the scales get em all out of here.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Clean this mess up else we'll all end up in jail, the test tubes and the scales get em all out of here.

 

But is there gas in the car?

[MissBee]

This makes no sense to me.

 

If a man is THAT ugly I wouldn't be able to have sex with him multiple times and wouldn't introduce him to my friends.

 

So I'm really confused personally how she managed to sleep with you multiple times,was all up on you, introduced you to her friends and now she's saying she can't get pass the physical ---makes no sense.

 

I've been on dates with men I didn't think were all that physically attractive but I couldn't bring myself to kiss them muchless have sex worse sex multiple times and I'm imagining even if the sex was good and I thought they were ugly, I'd not bother to introduce them to anyone. So none of it makes sense to me.

 

I'm more likely to change my opinions about a man's look based on my like for him as a person than I am to like him, sleep with him, introduce him to people then all of a sudden say sorry you're too ugly. So strange! Only thing I can think is that she is obviously attracted enough to sleep with you but maybe is thinking she needs a better looking man to parade around with her publicly, and is attached to an image in her mind of how her bf should look, so even though she clearly likes you and is attracted she is being shallow by holding on to the image in her mind that you don't match and using that to say it won't work. But even so it still doesn't explain why she'd introduce you to people instead of hide you away completely if she felt that way.

Edited August 17, 2014 by MissBee

[carhill]

OP, another reason to strengthen your boundaries with such people:

 

"She emails me that Monday and says it's over"

 

This from a person you dated, had personal contact with, including sex, for two months. An e-mail.

 

Bullet. Dodged. Focus on those who consider you their good fortune to know and love in life.

[morrowrd]

Wow, what a let down. I think that being intimate 5 times with you, and pretending to be attracted, and then dismissing the whole thing would bother me. Yet you say you're grateful she "gave you a chance." I'm glad you can do that.

[aprilisi]

I agree that's it's a narcissist thing. A what would my friends think thing.

 

She liked you, you aroused her.. I've been through the same thing. I'm a big girl, dated this hot guy for months. I mean HOT. Yeah, I was out of his league. Everything was great until I met his friends. After that he didn't want to date, but wanted to be FWB. I said no.

 

He wanted to be with me but was ashamed.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Wow, what a let down. I think that being intimate 5 times with you, and pretending to be attracted, and then dismissing the whole thing would bother me. Yet you say you're grateful she "gave you a chance." I'm glad you can do that.

 

Six times, but who's counting

[Kid_Charlemange]

I agree that's it's a narcissist thing. A what would my friends think thing.

 

I thought that as well, except that she introduced me to four of her friends. All of whom thought I was a hoot, I might add...

 

My only other thought is that she got scared. We were moving pretty fast, she's been married twice and divorced twice, and her last two LTRs didn't end well. Apparently she's just getting back into the dating scene recently after an 18-month hiatus. Maybe we clicked too much, too fast, and she needed to cut things off before they got too serious? Still... there's no reason to make up an excuse.

 

It's interesting reading these responses. People seem to think this is a little weird, while I thought it was, for lack of a better term, "admirable."

 

*Shrug* My attitude is that I spent two months with a great woman, had a terrific time, and got some really good sex out of it. It's a shame it didn't go anywhere, but I still feel like it comes out as a positive experience.

[Supernatural]

So if she wasn't physically attracted to him, how was she able to get aroused and sleep with him multiple times?

This.

 

This demonstrates obvious attraction no matter how big your nose may be. I don't get this story.

Something is missing. I agree. I think it has nothing to do with the connection. But how it looks to other people, in her mind. And what she IMAGINED her perfect couple would LOOK like; not what it FELT like.

 

How so?

 

It seems reasonable to me.

 

1. He's ugly, but he's funny. I'll go out with him

2. He's ugly, but it was a great date, I'll see him again.

3. He's ugly, but we're 100% compatible and I enjoy being with him so I'll agree to an overnight date

4. He's ugly, but I'll have sex with him to see if it "flips" my opinion

5. The sex was great, but I can't spend the rest of my life with someone who looks like this. I tried.

6. End it now before someone gets hurt.

 

Isn't that kinda logical?

 

Stop saying you're ugly. If you were my friend, I would beat you up, or call you ugly every 10 seconds until you beat me up and realized you don' actually think you are.

 

Physically she feels she can do better attraction wise. No one will ever be able to change her mind on that; because she has put so much effort in to thinking that is what makes someone valuable. And that is her personal work on her journey in life. She will find that out one day. Probably by marrying someone physically attractive and then feeling alone through the relationship.

 

It sounds like she has self acceptance issues. People with great bodies, usually do. Aesthetically inclines people suffer inside, more than you would think.

[deathandtaxes]

I don't know if I would believe the reason she ended things was because you're 'ugly', OP. I call supreme BS on that excuse. She could have used any word, yet she chose this. This is very, very mean on her part. It's an insult. It could have been anything, and you won't know.