Giving someone a chance

[BlueIris]

Stop saying you're ugly. If you were my friend, I would beat you up, or call you ugly every 10 seconds until you beat me up and realized you don' actually think you are.

 

Yeah! Don't do that!

 

I have no idea why she did what she didt, but I think it was rotten- especially by email.

I'm glad you had a great time. You sure seem to be a good, positive and gracious person- class.

[Kid_Charlemange]

I don't know if I would believe the reason she ended things was because you're 'ugly', OP. I call supreme BS on that excuse. She could have used any word, yet she chose this. This is very, very mean on her part. It's an insult. It could have been anything, and you won't know.

 

She didn't use that word. I did.

 

Her specific words were along the lines of "there needs to be a spark of attraction that just isn't there, as much as I wish it was" or very close to that. I drilled down on that an asked her point blank, "are you saying that my looks are all that are keeping us from being together?" and her response was "I am trying so hard not to hurt you, but yes."

 

It wasn't mean. It was honest. I would much rather someone be honest and blunt with me than to give false compliments.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

It sounds like she has self acceptance issues. People with great bodies, usually do. Aesthetically inclines people suffer inside, more than you would think.

 

Could be.

 

I'll stop calling myself ugly. Let's use "attraction challenged" instead

 

Back to my original question, however: Is it better to just reject someone right away, or to take a chance and see if the non-physical attributes can make up for the lack of looks? Say what you will about how she ended it, but my curiosity is more about the decision she made in the beginning.

[It'sallnewtome]

She sounds shallow and immature.

 

I don't sleep with men I don't find attractive.. Especially multiple times.

 

 

I think she's just a shallow person.. And who is anyone to call someone ugly?

[ascendotum]

I agree that's it's a narcissist thing. A what would my friends think thing.

 

She liked you, you aroused her.. I've been through the same thing. I'm a big girl, dated this hot guy for months. I mean HOT. Yeah, I was out of his league. Everything was great until I met his friends. After that he didn't want to date, but wanted to be FWB. I said no.

 

He wanted to be with me but was ashamed.

 

Sorry that happened to you with hot guy. I thought the situation the OP described was unusual. imo the majority of women would not sleep with a guy (well more than once anyway) that they were meh over. I tend to agree with you. This scenario does happen.

 

I suspect she didn't mind him physically so much, but after her friends met him, it was a case 'you can do/deserve better'. i could be wrong, but it would make sense. I understand the OPs positive spin on this...an out of my league girl gave me a shot and there was sex 5 times. Its way better than a 'you're a great guy but you're just not my type' or 'I'd like to keep seeing each other but just as friends' on date 1 or 2. If the outcome was because of the gf committee giving him the thumbs down then it really would take the gloss there was off the outcome, but he would never know. If it was the case, I thought she would have made up some sort of bs like 'not being over her ex and changing her mind on being ready for a relationship and doesn't want to hurt him'...and so on.

[mightycpa]

but after her friends met him, it was a case 'you can do/deserve better'

 

my thoughts exactly. They talked her out of him.

 

Either that, or the sex was great because he doesn't get it a lot. To her, maybe not so great.

[ascendotum]

She sounds shallow and immature.

I don't sleep with men I don't find attractive.. Especially multiple times.

 

I think she's just a shallow person.. And who is anyone to call someone ugly?

 

what's the difference between a person, who does not find someone that attractive but decides to give them a chance to be won over by their other characteristics - verses - a person who just looks at their pic and presses

Delete key in 3 seconds - verses - meets them on the date and decides within 5 minutes, there is no way they can be intimate with this person, and makes up an excuse about having to visit their fiend in the hospital after 15 minutes and then ignores all further msgs/txts from the person, or maybe they are a little nicer and just respond with one txt saying 'sorry but just not feeling the chemistry'.

 

Being physically attracted to the other person is a big deal for the vast majority of people, you being one of them, and out of those scenarios above, the person who gives the other a chance despite the weak physical attraction is not shallow imo.

[ascendotum]

my thoughts exactly. They talked her out of him.

 

Either that, or the sex was great because he doesn't get it a lot. To her, maybe not so great.

 

That's possible too, but I thought they did it multiple times on the weekend or same day, which I though most woman would make up an excuse not to do + I think hard luck guys still would pick up that the woman is going through the motions in a lot of cases unless she wants to put on a good performance for him. If the woman,is going through the motions and if the guy does not get nsa much plus she is pretty then yes 'its still great'. lol

[jay1983]

Sorry that happened to you with hot guy. I thought the situation the OP described was unusual. imo the majority of women would not sleep with a guy (well more than once anyway) that they were meh over.

 

This is very true. Most women won't even meet with a guy unless they were nuts over him, much less sleep with him. If they really don't like him they'll ignore him, if they think he's okay they'll give their number, but flake out after a couple of texts. To sleep with him 5 times, I just, IDK.

[Supernatural]

This whole situation is bullsh*t! And makes no sense.

 

This girl... So weak. She actually really likes the OP, but it IS the girlfriend committee that morphed her mind. Talked her out of it because what? He doesn't look like Brad Pitt?

 

But... The saddest thing if the above is true... Is that she listened to the committee, and not her own heart.

 

And if that's true... She will be another middle aged woman one day living with regrets in a home with 2 kids and a life that she never really wanted, but she chose out of what was deemed acceptable by others.

[Leigh 87]

I gave a guy a chance last year. He was everything I wanted and I had a blast with him. I laughed more with him that I do my current partner.

 

The thing is, I just didnt have "that" spark or romantic inclinations towards him, he was a friend - it felt like he was "meant" to be a friend.

 

I slept with him also. He wasn't ugly, I just wasn't sexually into him.

[Leigh 87]

^^ and it is called "chemistry". It is when you WANT to be touched but them.

 

I do NOT advocate partnering up when you have insufficient chemistry. That is simply playing house with a FRIEND.

 

I opened myself up to feeling chemistry with ALL SORTS of men though, fat, skinny, short, tall, balding, red hair and freckles....

 

The best looking guy I ever hooked up with, I didn't feel instant chemistry too much, it grew though! The chubby red haired guy I met, I had major chemistry with him from the instant I laid eyes on him.

[Supernatural]

^^ and it is called "chemistry". It is when you WANT to be touched but them.

 

I do NOT advocate partnering up when you have insufficient chemistry. That is simply playing house with a FRIEND.

 

I opened myself up to feeling chemistry with ALL SORTS of men though, fat, skinny, short, tall, balding, red hair and freckles....

 

The best looking guy I ever hooked up with, I didn't feel instant chemistry too much, it grew though! The chubby red haired guy I met, I had major chemistry with him from the instant I laid eyes on him.

 

Chubby AND red hair?!

[54JA]

I agree with you OP. I give her credit for at least trying. I think she was genuinely trying to give it a shot, especially with her background (past failed relationships). She probably understands, from her past experiences, that looks isn't everything. At least you two had good times. Good for you!!

[Kid_Charlemange]

my thoughts exactly. They talked her out of him.

 

Either that, or the sex was great because he doesn't get it a lot. To her, maybe not so great.

 

Well... she told me her friends thought I was great and that she was "nuts" to end this.

 

And she said the sex was great, and that it was the first she'd had in a year; she was my sixth partner this year.

 

Of course, who knows if she's telling the truth about any of this?

[deathandtaxes]

Of course, who knows if she's telling the truth about any of this?

 

 

Boom. You never know! And that's why you shouldn't take it personally. It didn't work out, for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up over it, OP. It's not like you have a hard time connecting with the ladies. Better luck with the next one.

[Kid_Charlemange]

Boom. You never know! And that's why you shouldn't take it personally. It didn't work out, for whatever reason. Don't beat yourself up over it, OP. It's not like you have a hard time connecting with the ladies. Better luck with the next one.

 

I'm not beating myself up. There's nothing I could have done.

 

But I've also given up on this whole dating thing. I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish: I've proven that I'm not quite the disaster my ex told me I was when we split around Christmas. That I can date. I can be found to be interesting and charming to women. I can even get some of them to date me a couple of times; of the 13 women I've dated this year, 9 have gone past the first date. A couple turned into the start of relationships. Some of the drift was mutual, some was instigated by the ladies. I wasn't that upset, because I wasn't all that into any of the first twelve.

 

#13... well, she was the first one who could hold a candle to my ex, physically. And I've never, ever clicked with someone like that, that quickly. Our dates were simply fantastic... or so I thought. And since she initiated most of the escalations (she's very flirty and physical), I felt like I'd finally, after eight months, found that combination of me being attracted to her, her being interesting enough to keep me wanting more, and her being into me. Well, that third part turned out to not be the case.

 

So. I'm done. It's just too much work. I'm somewhat underemployed right now, so I can't even really afford a girlfriend. I live near Washington DC, so most of the women I've dated are pretty successful, financially; I'm still in debt from paying off my second wife's medical bills, more than three years after she died. So I'm a poor risk on that level.

 

A female friend of mine showed me some of the men that she gets matched with on OKC. Some of these guys own sail boats. One has a private airplane. They're all well off, and all of them are better looking. Yeah, most of them aren't as interesting, none of them are as funny, and few of them can write a grammatically correct sentence. But those are the guys I'm competing with, and while I've done OK, the odds are not in my favor.

 

This last one, I was sure she had gotten past the looks factor, and saw me for the gem that I really am. And... she did. She kinda said that. The looks were just too much to overcome, as hard as she might try.

 

I'm done. If a woman wanders into my life, I'm not going to say no. But I've deleted all my OLD profiles and I'm going into pure passive mode. I'm 51. I don't have that many years left anyway, so who cares.

 

It was a nice run. Some people are just destined to be alone, and I'm OK with that.

[Supernatural]

I'm not beating myself up. There's nothing I could have done.

 

But I've also given up on this whole dating thing. I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish: I've proven that I'm not quite the disaster my ex told me I was when we split around Christmas. That I can date. I can be found to be interesting and charming to women. I can even get some of them to date me a couple of times; of the 13 women I've dated this year, 9 have gone past the first date. A couple turned into the start of relationships. Some of the drift was mutual, some was instigated by the ladies. I wasn't that upset, because I wasn't all that into any of the first twelve.

 

#13... well, she was the first one who could hold a candle to my ex, physically. And I've never, ever clicked with someone like that, that quickly. Our dates were simply fantastic... or so I thought. And since she initiated most of the escalations (she's very flirty and physical), I felt like I'd finally, after eight months, found that combination of me being attracted to her, her being interesting enough to keep me wanting more, and her being into me. Well, that third part turned out to not be the case.

 

So. I'm done. It's just too much work. I'm somewhat underemployed right now, so I can't even really afford a girlfriend. I live near Washington DC, so most of the women I've dated are pretty successful, financially; I'm still in debt from paying off my second wife's medical bills, more than three years after she died. So I'm a poor risk on that level.

 

A female friend of mine showed me some of the men that she gets matched with on OKC. Some of these guys own sail boats. One has a private airplane. They're all well off, and all of them are better looking. Yeah, most of them aren't as interesting, none of them are as funny, and few of them can write a grammatically correct sentence. But those are the guys I'm competing with, and while I've done OK, the odds are not in my favor.

 

This last one, I was sure she had gotten past the looks factor, and saw me for the gem that I really am. And... she did. She kinda said that. The looks were just too much to overcome, as hard as she might try.

 

I'm done. If a woman wanders into my life, I'm not going to say no. But I've deleted all my OLD profiles and I'm going into pure passive mode. I'm 51. I don't have that many years left anyway, so who cares.

 

It was a nice run. Some people are just destined to be alone, and I'm OK with that.

 

People who are destined to be alone are the ones who choose to give up. The people I work with at the grocery store who are 50 years old, blame life that they are un-happy. But it was always there choice.

 

You have 2 choices.

 

1) Keep going with this Eyeore type attidtude right in to depression, while taking steps backwards in concerns of dating and general life where you have made improvements.

or

2) Keep having fun like you did with the previous woman and march forward like you know you deserve someone better. And that right person will be attracted in to your world.

 

It's not the person you are with that changes your attitude towards life; to enjoy the beautiful moments and to create them. You're simply just choosing that. So with saying that... Everything you experience, good or bad... You chose that.

That person you think you were head over heels with, is slightly yourself because of how you felt in your own body. No one can make you feel something, only you make yourself feel that.

 

She didn't give you happiness. You allowed yourself to feel it.

 

However you react in life... Is your choice.

 

And I doubt you're okay with being alone. You would have never started this thread or wrote any of the above. Stop being passive aggressive and nice because you think it will make you seem better. This thread is getting confusing because you're not pissed when you should be. And that shows lack of passion; but i know you have some.

 

Let go of: "I've proven that I'm not quite the disaster my ex told me I was when we split around Christmas."

THIS.

 

None of this year was for you. It was about proving someone wrong. So it never came from your true self... And now you're telling yourself the past demons were right about you. Stop it.

 

Get mad. It's kind of a good thing. Go watch American Beauty.

[Supernatural]

I'm done. If a woman wanders into my life, I'm not going to say no. But I've deleted all my OLD profiles and I'm going into pure passive mode. I'm 51. I don't have that many years left anyway, so who cares.

 

It was a nice run. Some people are just destined to be alone, and I'm OK with that.

 

Keep reading that. Read it 100 times. But really hear that.

 

This isn't about dating. Its about living.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

Get mad. It's kind of a good thing. Go watch American Beauty.

Hmm. I was mad, for quite a while. Got over it.

 

And I worked on American Beauty... great film, but look how things turned out for Kevin Spacey's character!

[Supernatural]

Hmm. I was mad, for quite a while. Got over it.

 

And I worked on American Beauty... great film, but look how things turned out for Kevin Spacey's character!

 

YOU WORKED ON AMERICAN BEAUTY?!?!?!? I'm jelly.

You just got like 900x cooler.

That movie is how I view life! Best movie ever.

 

And Kevin Spacey was happy in the end, even though he died. Because he was doing what he wanted and didn't validate himself through others eyes.

[Supernatural]

And what I meant by watch American Beauty, is Kevin Spacey's character. Look at his arc.

 

At the beginning he is a push over, nice guy, takes ****, going along and already given up on life. Letting life happen to him. And he knows it.

 

The middle, he starts doing things which are not normal for him and gets a sense of gratification because its what he wants to do. Makes him wonder what else he can do. Taking charge but still struggling through it.

 

At the end, he is making life happen for him. Doing things on his terms. Not being pushed around by life. He is reacting and creating.

 

And with every character, they are hiding something that they really wanted to do. And in the end, we see all of them and what they really wanted and who they are. It's an incredible movie. So many levels.

[Allumere]

Could be.

 

I'll stop calling myself ugly. Let's use "attraction challenged" instead

 

Back to my original question, however: Is it better to just reject someone right away, or to take a chance and see if the non-physical attributes can make up for the lack of looks? Say what you will about how she ended it, but my curiosity is more about the decision she made in the beginning.

 

Based on my personal experience, I wish people knew themselves better, what their deal breakers are, how to ask the right questions and had enough self control to not be blinded with chemistry because the aftermath is incredibly damaging. Sure attraction can grow as you get to know someone but a) I would think that would be figured out by the 3rd and absolutely NLT the 5th date along with deal-breakers and b) chemistry does not equal great sex.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

And Kevin Spacey was happy in the end, even though he died.

 

I haven't yet reached that level of... hmm... what's the right word?

[Supernatural]

What did you work on in American Beauty? Do you still work in film?