Not invited to wedding

[PinkElephants]

My boyfriend and I are in our late 20's, have been dating for a year, friends for longer, and he's a groomsman in an upcoming wedding. The couple have told him he can't have a date. He's extremely upset about it and has argued with the groom, his friend of 20 years, about it but has decided to still be in the wedding.

 

They're saying that they only want to include dates if people have been dating 2+ years or are living together. If he was a guest, I'd have zero issue with it but etiquette states that a date should be included for long term/serious couples AND members of the wedding party.

 

His friends all live in the same city, the city we're from as well, but we're living across the country from them. He has the ability to go see them but chooses to spend time with me instead. The girls in the group have been around for years. The couples dated 4-7 years before deciding to get married so those women have grown up with them where I'm a newcomer, he was the dependable, perpetual bachelor and I'm sure they blame me for him not visiting.

 

My issue is how to respond to this. I feel badly for him because he was so excited for me to meet them and now he's deeply embarrassed by their exclusionary behavior (this is actually the second couple to do this). I've never tried to discourage his friendships and don't want to start but I range between feeling like he's accepting them undermining us and treating him badly to understanding why he wants to stand with his friend of 20 years over his gf of 1. Do I accept it or tell him I'm not ok with it?

[todreaminblue]

Accept it.....everyone has strange friends adn a wedding fro a couple...well it is their wedding whatever they want they get......even if it is exclusionary...soem people exclude everyone and elope...whatever reasons they have are their reasons and have to respected he argued with a long time friend of twenty years over you...... he isnt happy with it....he feels bad ...make him feel better and be the bigger woman and say its okay babe ..go have a good time...wish them well from me........i can find something to do ..

 

say i havent seen my friend such and such for a while i might just take this as time to catch up with her or i know this friend is goign through a hard time might go take her a chocky bar as big as my head and make her feel loved............you go ill have fun dontcha worry .....we will do something awesome this weekend or next week end....and smile...

 

 

 

he loves you he stuck up for you...be happy and support him going to be support for his long term friend...do something awesome together next weekend...and you go have some fun with a friend you havent seen in a while.....see a movie .....go surfing....be a goof with a girlfriend.....have fun yourself.........deb

[PinkElephants]

Todreaminblue, that's actually what I did last time. I told him to have fun and don't worry about me. I did my own thing and didn't give him a drop of grief about it. I really did want him to have a good time.

 

If they were excluding everyone and eloping, again, there'd be nothing to say. His issue and mine are that they're picking and choosing which girlfriends to invite or exclude with no regard to manners. He feels disrespected, ignored and embarrassed which hurts to see. The biggest reason I wouldn't be ok is because of that. How can his friends "allow" some of them to grow up and others are expected to stay the same dependable buddy? I've seen this in my family too where the youngest sibling is treated like they're not allowed to do what the older ones take for granted.

 

And for the record, I don't want an invitation. I won't go where I'm not wanted.

[TXGuy]

I don't understand the question.

 

Do I accept it or tell him I am not ok with it? I assume you can only mean accept it or ask that he boycott the wedding on principal. It seems to me that those are the only two options. He does not control the guest list.

 

He has already gone to the mat for you by confronting the groom and insisting you be invited (also a breach of etiquette).

 

It sounds like a crappy deal for you, but it is out of your and your bf control.

[RonaldS]

Can their guests bring dates if they don't live together or haven't been together 2+ years? If yes, then f*ck them.

 

If their guests can't, then this is the dumbest wedding ever.

[todreaminblue]

Todreaminblue, that's actually what I did last time. I told him to have fun and don't worry about me. I did my own thing and didn't give him a drop of grief about it. I really did want him to have a good time.

 

If they were excluding everyone and eloping, again, there'd be nothing to say. His issue and mine are that they're picking and choosing which girlfriends to invite or exclude with no regard to manners. He feels disrespected, ignored and embarrassed which hurts to see. The biggest reason I wouldn't be ok is because of that. How can his friends "allow" some of them to grow up and others are expected to stay the same dependable buddy? I've seen this in my family too where the youngest sibling is treated like they're not allowed to do what the older ones take for granted.

 

And for the record, I don't want an invitation. I won't go where I'm not wanted.

 

 

you are hurt and your bf is too.....i understand that but what will help the etwo fo you do you feel?....do you think you will feel better if he doesnt go? do you think he will feel better?....what would the consequences be if he didnt go? are those consequences worth making a stand and pushing a long term friendship and the wishes of the people getting married however excluding they are they are their wishes....its about them getting married not everyone else....its their day......should they get married and does your bf support their marriage....then the wedding should be respected as being the one they want shouldnt it.....even though hurt feelings of others are involved ultimately your bf supports them or not....either way the wedding will go ahead with or without your bf there..........deb......

[PinkElephants]

I'm not asking him to boycott the wedding. I don't want to make him choose between them and me and I'm not going to punish him for going. If he didn't go, they'd probably blame me. I also completely understand that it's their day and not about us and I have no idea about the rest of the guest list, only the issues two groomsmen are having.

 

He's brought up to me how upset he is and I haven't said anything. He enthusiastically welcomed everyone else's significant others, he supports their marriages, and he feels like he's not getting the same in return. He's also still hoping that when we move back everyone will be friends. These don't seem like the greatest friends to me but they've been around forever. I also don't really want to get to know them anymore. My friends have been nothing but inviting and his are coming across incredibly xenophobic.

 

So I guess the question should be extended to: how do I proceed with everything involving them from here? We're likely moving in a few months so paste on a smile and pretend they're not the rudest people ever? Tell him I'm not asking him to give up the friendships but I'm having no part in people that don't have manners?

[bubbaganoosh]

What other things in their criteria, no left handed people under the age of 30 because you'll elbow the person next to you by accident and all the utensils are right handed.

[todreaminblue]

I'm not asking him to boycott the wedding. I don't want to make him choose between them and me and I'm not going to punish him for going. If he didn't go, they'd probably blame me. I also completely understand that it's their day and not about us and I have no idea about the rest of the guest list, only the issues two groomsmen are having.

 

He's brought up to me how upset he is and I haven't said anything. He enthusiastically welcomed everyone else's significant others, he supports their marriages, and he feels like he's not getting the same in return. He's also still hoping that when we move back everyone will be friends. These don't seem like the greatest friends to me but they've been around forever. I also don't really want to get to know them anymore. My friends have been nothing but inviting and his are coming across incredibly xenophobic.

 

So I guess the question should be extended to: how do I proceed with everything involving them from here? We're likely moving in a few months so paste on a smile and pretend they're not the rudest people ever? Tell him I'm not asking him to give up the friendships but I'm having no part in people that don't have manners?

 

 

the hardest thing to do is show manners when you have been afforded no such grace...... but that is the thing with grace its personal and how you conduct yourself that matters most to you......if you take a particular love of manners....and in having good manners keep them ...blow the other person why should you lose sight of what is important to you for anothers lacking..

 

i feel forgiveness is the best manners a person can hold onto firmly .....it makes life so much easier.........even when it gets hard to hold onto forgiveness if you stay sure of what you believe ....you have no regrets....and i have only ever garnered respect from this belief.....and a personal happiness that i stick to what i believe in......you dont have to best buds with these people but be forgiving because people are flawed.....one day even further and years down the track they may even apologize ....and you will accept it and be glad you did handle yourself with grace and forgiveness........i wish both you and your bf happiness.....best wishes....deb

[d0nnivain]

Weddings are ghastly expensive & the easiest way to cut costs is to trim the guest list. It's unfortunate that this couple chose to cut it where they did -- no dates unless the couple has been together 2+ years but that was their line in the sand.

 

All you can do is be gracious.

 

Your BF may want to take an "end run" around the couple's rule by waiting until the RSVP date has passed & asking if they made their minimum (the # of guests they must pay for). If they did not, they may be more amendable to letting you come since they are already paying for that dinner. It's kind of like being 2nd choice but it might get you to the wedding to be with your BF

[MissBee]

Their policy is very odd and even if that was my policy if my friend who is in the wedding party explained to me that he wanted his gf of a year there and was upset, I'd make the allowance for him.

 

I'd let my bf lead with this since he is their friend. I'd allow him to decide how to proceed with them from here on out and also express my feelings of being turned off by them.

 

While it would of course be nice to be able to get on well with them if you can't I'd just be polite to them but stick to my own friends.

Edited August 15, 2014 by MissBee

[d0nnivain]

So I guess the question should be extended to: how do I proceed with everything involving them from here? We're likely moving in a few months so paste on a smile and pretend they're not the rudest people ever? Tell him I'm not asking him to give up the friendships but I'm having no part in people that don't have manners?

 

You do paste the smile on your face when you are thrown together but you can duck out of any pre-wedding things.

 

If you do end up living with your BF, nobody says you have to invite them over or go out of your way for them. Ignore them.

 

The only issue will be when you two get married do you invite them.

 

Beyond that you will be better off by taking the high road, which it appears you are doing. Hold your head up in public even if you are seething inside.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you should really stop taking it personally. It's not about you.

 

I've seen friends of mine have to enforce policies like these for their weddings because the guest list just goes way overboard. It's always cases involving huge families.

 

For example, one friend of mine, both of her parents come from families of six, so she literally has over 50 cousins. And that's not even counting the groom's side. So for that wedding, they made the call to not allow any significant others unless they were engaged/married, and no kids that weren't part of the immediate family. Some people did get pissed off/inconvenienced, but it just had to happen.

 

In your case, don't assume the worst of these people... I'm sure they don't "have it out" for you.

[veggirl]

Some people don't want strangers at their wedding.

[PinkElephants]

He decided to go as a guest and I still won't be going.

 

I never took it personally, I know it wasn't about me, and I'm actually not a stranger to them. We got along great when we met. He went to a wedding before when all SO's were excluded due to space/budget constraints and that was fine but this policy of picking and choosing is ridiculous.

 

I was more hurt and embarrassed for my bf than for myself because his friends were treating him as less than an equal. He's always been an easy going bachelor and I think they expected that he'd be fine with them shoving him back in that box even after he got in a relationship.

 

They did say that they were waiting on RSVP's so send out "second string" invitations which upset him even more. Amazingly, as soon as he said he was considering going as a guest, an invitation magically appeared. Imagine that! He still said he'd attend but step down from the bridal party.

 

I won't see them before the wedding but, like I said, we might wind up living in the same city as all of them and if that happens I'm going to be polite and let my bf fight any battles that may come up which is hopefully none.

[Absinthe]

That's an odd policy to me, but perhaps it's been brought in to subtly avoid politics. It may be that they dislike another friend's OH and have decided to use the whole "2+ years only" rule as a cover-up for not inviting that person.

 

This often happens when the bride and groom politely try to avoid having someone's unruly children come to their wedding - they end up enacting a blanket "no kids" policy, even if they'd really like to invite the more well-behaved children of other friends or relatives.

 

Seriously, though, why are weddings such uptight affairs? The stories I hear...If I ever get married, I'd just like to have a laid-back party with a buffet. And my bridesmaids can have buzzcut, bright green hair if they want!

[Damia]

You could always go with your boyfriend to where ever the wedding is.

He could go to the early part of the wedding by himself ,then leave early making a point to the bribe and groom that he would also like to spend time doing something with you as you were unable to be invited?

 

I think their policy is very rude.

[veggirl]

You could always go with your boyfriend to where ever the wedding is.

He could go to the early part of the wedding by himself ,then leave early making a point to the bribe and groom that he would also like to spend time doing something with you as you were unable to be invited?

 

I think their policy is very rude.

 

That's a good idea. He can go to the ceremony and leave in between that and the reception.

[Tbisb74]

That's a good idea. He can go to the ceremony and leave in between that and the reception.

 

That's what I would do. I may even add that "thanks for a lovely morning, but I now have something more important to do."

But that's just the unsubtle me coming out..

[d0nnivain]

If he's planning to blow off the reception which is his right, he needs to tell them that before the day of so they don't get stuck paying for his meal at the reception. The whole point of this "policy" of theirs is to cut costs so he would be nasty to run up their costs out of spite.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I wouldn't really sweat it. Weddings are ridiculously expensive, they may not be rich, and the probably don't want to increase their costs by allowing everybody to bring anyone they want. Their rule of living together or together 2+ years is arbitrary, but most rules are. I would just tell him to go and have a great time, allow him to discuss it with them or let it go as he sees fit. If you speak to the couple any time soon just be gracious and ask how the day went, give them your congratulations. Personally I'd kinda approach it with 'oh it's such a shame I wasn't able to see you both so happy, but from the pictures it was clearly a beautiful day'. Not passive aggressive, but just communicate that you would have liked to attend (i.e., not to make them feel guilty but to show that you don't have any hard feelings) and then move onto being enthusiastic about it with them.

 

That's if you want to build/retain the blossoming friendship and not cut off any future event invites! You could also just not bother and be cold towards them but that's not going to help this scenario happening again in the future.

 

It does seem a little weird though, everyone I know who had a wedding had a ceremony, which was invite-only, and then a night party where anyone was welcome. If I got married I'd purposefully want everybody to be allowed to bring a plus one because it's really awkward sometimes attending alone if you don't know everyone and it's nice to have someone to sit with.

 

To summarise, weddings are expensive, it's not personal, let it go. If possible. I don't get how people freak out so much over wedding etiquette, it's not like there's a definitive book of etiquette everyone sticks to and not everyone can afford to stick to it either.

[Priv]

The only issue will be when you two get married do you invite them.

 

 

Wow yea. Hypothetical ofcourse, but that would be a pretty f*cked up situation. Ughhh... getting anxious thinking about it

[Priv]

Also OP. Totally understand where you are coming from and would pretty much feel the same way. But I guess taking the high road is the only thing you can do.