Gone in a Second

[nevermindme]

Here's my story. About 4 years ago, started dating a girl I had known for about 10 years before that.. time was right, we were both in the same location and kicked it off.. went on vacations, trips, the whole shabang over the next year or so... then we decided to move around to different states seeking new adventures.

 

I had been working so hard to financially support the moves (we are young), buying cars for her to feel comfortable in new areas, paying rent, utilities, bills, on top of all my bills.. to live in a nice house with pool, etc.. and once I got a new job this year to make it all easier.. i worked hard to hit a huge raise in a small window. 6 weeks ago, The day I got the raise that would make everything so much better, life so much easier and enjoyable.. I came home to no girlfriend, but all her **** and a note stating she left for whatever she stated her feelings had changed. All her **** was still frozen in my house.

 

I understood we went thru a lot over the past few years moving.. and we were planning to move to an island in a few months as I achieved my career goal and that was our dream.. i had to make it happen and I did whatever it took to get finances in order.. at the expense of myself, i lost myself.. and then I lost her. Everyday, I find something in the house that I blame myself for.. I note that states how lonely she is.. we didnt have the same days off. I knew the weeks before she left were so lonely because I was working so so hard to make sure our dreams came true in a few months... moving so much is very expensive... it took a toll on me, it took a toll on her.. and I lost it all.

 

a week after she left a note needing space, I found pics on social media of her and some guy with a comment she would have only previously said about me , it was dated the weekend she left.. all her friends are coworkers, and guess who the fling and the instigators are. I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, no responses except Im not coming home. Then I told her Im packing up her stuff.. after that weekend she said she was lost and got a hotel and wanted to talk. She met at my house, I talked but it was uncomfortable bc it was really late after work.. and she ended up being too uncomfortable due to the house being rearranged and left for good. After I found out she never got a hotel and was still at the coworkers house close to my house, (which I get to see the car I bought her outside his house all the time), i flipped on how she could tear me up like that and told her I am done..

 

Then I relapsed, I have sent a few texts, call, email... and then stopped 5 days ago. I do care for her more than she ever cared for me obviously.. but every day she stays away, the less I care for her knowing what she is putting me thru. We had life long plans, completely gone in a second.. moved across country so she could stay 2 blocks away while I am in an empty house. In a month, I wont be in the same house, 2 months, different country. But I want to forgive, and I am not love blind.. she just needs to talk it out and address it to me, and maybe I will move on with or without her... but she wont. 4 years together, never had a NC phase ever.. to complete silence.

 

As much as I should.. I cant let go. I am the nicest soul.. and I guess lost my self confidence trying to give this girl the world. and she took my world for her. It is hard every morning, afternoon, night.. I lost all motivation, work, health, etc.. starting to get my health back.. motivation still lacking.. in 2 weeks I will make decisions that will change my life forever... why do I keep waiting for her to make these decisions.. I dont want to put my life on hold.. but she took my life away.. so even if I forget, I will always regret. I read all the stories on here and it helps throughout the day.. but work will surely not tolerate my attitude much longer. .. i try listening to videos about getting ex's back from a rebound.. but I dont have enough time to go NC that long.. I lost all control in the situation... and by the time I gain control.. Ill be too late... she said she was lost.. but she has no idea what lost is if she thought of what I am going through. so much for knowing people you give the world to. thanks for the ear, I dont know anyone here and have not told any family, co workers, etc.

[todreaminblue]

i feel for you nevermind me....you tried really hard ......and she should have stuck by you and she didnt....i do feel she needs to give that car back...you worked hard and she decides to leave then the car should have been left to you...it was part of the relationship.....not a vehicle for her to move out with...or offer to give you money for the car whatever ..but that got my goat when you said it was parked outside another guys house......i feel it was advantageous to her .....from your working to make a better life for th eboth of you and that really sucks big time...........

 

 

 

 

i am sorry......i dont know really what to say and i dont feel anything i say is going to make you feel better...what she did was wrong, thoughtless and a cop out...... and i hope in the future you find someone who does the right thing by you and for the relationship you have down the track ....i really hope you fidn happiness and a mutual love.....your relationship sounds one sided and when that happens its just a matter of time before it ends.... .....deb

[smackie9]

This is what happens to couples that lose focus on their relationship. We get sucked up into our priorities, goals, ambitions and responsibilities we forget to nurture the relationship with romance and quality time. Before you know it it all falls apart. Over night your world is flipped upside down.

 

She might get it out of her system who knows. The best thing you can do is to just let her be. Hopefully in a month or two she will see the grass isn't always greener, see her mistake and come back.

[nevermindme]

Yeah... something I will never forgive myself for. Unfortunately.. I have to turn in our lease termination today.. and by next month.. I will be gone. Unless I put my life on the backburner and hope. It would be worth it to me.. but i'm struggling on such a big risk. Regret either way.

[smackie9]

leave make a life for yourself.....she will know where to find you.

[drifter777]

A couple things: girls never want to "take a break" or whatever unless they already have a guy all lined up. Its their nature - its just a fact. Another thing you need to understand: this happens to everyone! You are not unique so just take it and walk away. Groveling at her feet gets you nothing and crushes you self-esteem. You need to maintain zero contact no matter what. Each day you will get stronger. In a month you will be fine.

[lolablue17]

I feel for you, man...

 

No, it's not your fault. it's not because of something you have or haven't done. it's just because you can't get any guaranty with people's feelings. you are young, but it also can happen to older people.

 

She could have been a little less selfish, childish and egocentric. she were thinking only about herself, probably as she did during your whole time together, you were just too blind to see.

 

But it's a good lesson to you, don't lean too much on the present and always be prepared for dramatic changes.

 

I advice you to not take her back when she might ask you to. (maybe not, but i have a feeling she will...) You deserve better. not because she left, but because the coward and selfish way she did it.

 

a decent reliable girl would have talked to you and explain to you instead of just leaving a short note., a decent girl could show you a little more respect.

a decent reliable girl wouldn't have parked the car you gave her in a place you can notice. a decent reliable girl could have even returned this gift car back to you or at least offer that as a gesture, only to show you that you and your past together mean something to her.

[Thicke2013]

OP, ultimately I don't think it would be good for you to get her back. I know that right now you feel like a part of you is missing, and it is. The life you worked so hard to build, is gone. If your relationship was as important to her, she would have talked to you about how she felt rather than just walking away. Would you really want her back and have to wonder for the rest of your life if someday you could come home and she would be gone again? That's no way to live. I know that it is easier said than done, but move on and find someone who values commitment as much as you do.

 

Take the lesson here though. It's easy to get caught up in building the life that you want. Especially for a man. We are wired to get things done at all expense. Even that of our SO. My fiance' and I are in the process of buying a house. Most of you know the hoopla that comes with it. On top of that we are selling her condo. For the last 6 weeks we have been totally consumed with it. Day in and day out, it's always something to do. Show the condo, get this paperwork ready, this inspection, etc. Just yesterday while saying bye to me, she was looking into my eyes and I melted. I realized at that moment that we hadn't stopped to even look at each other and take in that moment for far too long. I grabbed her and hugged her so tight and I nearly cried. She was obviously confused as to why I got upset. I told her that I don't want our relationship to get that way. I always want to take the time to make her feel as special as she makes me feel. I tell her all the time that I want her to be able to stand in a room full of women and know without a doubt that there isn't a woman in there who is loved more than her. It was an eye opening moment for the both of us. No matter how busy with work and life you get, always take the time to let those you care about, know just how much you care. Good luck OP.

[Elle1975]

It's the kind of thing that only time can heal. While going through a break up, all this free time also is what hurts us most. You are alone in your house, with all that time on your hand; all that time to think about her and the "what if".

 

I read your post and you talk a lot about how she took your life, how you dedicated your life to her, etc.. This NC phase is the opportunity to take control back over your life. You have to learn how to live for yourself, not for somebody else.

 

I believe in a year from now, you will be happy again. It takes TIME, and yes, it sucks while you're going through it.

 

It's also an attitude kind of thing. Yes, we all feel sad, but we have to make the conscious effort to get back on the horse, to get better. When you feel sad, and you catch yourself thinking about it, kick yourself in the arse, and go do something, anything.

 

I hope you feel better soon!

[nevermindme]

Well. I came to this conclusion. The day she left, was the day I already knew I was taking control of myself again (and the relationship) but never expected my world to be flipped. But after the rough realization that I was too late..It took a few weeks to re grasp myself.. it's been 5 weeks total. Limited contact... 6 days NC. and I am starting to feel good about myself, my self esteem, confidence, etc... if NC is mostly for myself, it is not really necessary for me as I have a wonderful future approaching regardless that I worked hard for (for us). She goes back on a trip to where we are originally from next week and will finally not be around the influence of her rebound or coworkers. And since I will be making decisions to leave the country in the following weeks. I don't have time for games..I dont even want to play games with the girl I care for and spent so much time so close to. She is either in my life or not (currently not obviously) and she knows I will have to move on next month with or without her.. so if NC is going to bring her back.. then she will realize her mistake too late.

 

I broke the NC this morning. Sent a text saying good morning, and referred to a moment in the past. She immediately responded good morning and said she remembers the moment (of course). This is the first positive communication I have received in a few weeks. I'm not going to respond to her response.. I will wait until next week when she is back home and text her again next week and refer to another moment in our history, etc.. to try to kick a call or two with her . Once she get's back in town, that will be my last chance to try and reconnect.. or I am booking my ticket to work on an Island thousands of miles away.

 

I'm not sure if I ruined my chances due breaking to NC, maybe I should have just waited until she was on her trip.. I actually think NC ruined us initially, as she is the type of girl that if you dont reconcile and issue quickly, she will move on due to the pressure. A week is not going to make a difference; she will have a week to think without influence and either stay away from my life forever or start fresh with the adventure we always hoped for.

 

Thoughts?

[HappyLove]

I can NOT BELIEVE you want this chick back!!!!!!! REALLY?! After what she's done to you? To disrespect you like that and move up the block with some other man! You really want to live a life of wondering if she's home or with another man when you've worked hard all day?! There is not enough ignoring a person in the world that makes what she did ok. There are people in the military separated for YEARS and stick it out. Taking her back only proves you're a glutton for punishment.

 

NEWSFLASH: In case you didn't know there are PLENTY hard working, beautiful, NOT selfish women who would treat you the way you deserve. Ummm, works his azz off, puts you up in nice home, takes you around the the world. Next stop to live on an island.... I already see the line forming. WHY WHY WHY do men chase after women who treat them like dirt?! Meanwhile a woman who would treat you like a king sits home alone.

Edited August 15, 2014 by HappyLove

[lolablue17]

she will have a week to think without influence and either stay away from my life forever or start fresh with the adventure we always hoped for.

Thoughts?

 

I wouldn't act like you, but we are, of course, different persons, and i hope you know what you're doing.

 

I wish you luck. Please keep us updated.

[Darren Steez]

Never ever good to become wrapped up in one person.

 

She's gone OP, texting her, begging her is not going to bring her back.

 

Hold your head up knowing you are a good person and that the next woman is she's good and kind will treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

Imagine if you had bought a house together or got married and she had done this?

 

What's in the past is in the past. Start making a future for yourself, delete her number, unfriend her facebook and move on.

 

Good luck

[Elle1975]

She is either in my life or not (currently not obviously) and she knows I will have to move on next month with or without her.. so if NC is going to bring her back.. then she will realize her mistake too late.

 

NC is not meant as a way to get her back. It's a way to get yourself back, and get better. One of the side effects is that an ex might miss you enough to ask for a second chance.

 

As for you moving away, unless you're relocating into a black hole, people take planes everyday.

[Darren Steez]

Well. I came to this conclusion. The day she left, was the day I already knew I was taking control of myself again (and the relationship) but never expected my world to be flipped. But after the rough realization that I was too late..It took a few weeks to re grasp myself.. it's been 5 weeks total. Limited contact... 6 days NC. and I am starting to feel good about myself, my self esteem, confidence, etc... if NC is mostly for myself, it is not really necessary for me as I have a wonderful future approaching regardless that I worked hard for (for us). She goes back on a trip to where we are originally from next week and will finally not be around the influence of her rebound or coworkers. And since I will be making decisions to leave the country in the following weeks. I don't have time for games..I dont even want to play games with the girl I care for and spent so much time so close to. She is either in my life or not (currently not obviously) and she knows I will have to move on next month with or without her.. so if NC is going to bring her back.. then she will realize her mistake too late.

 

I broke the NC this morning. Sent a text saying good morning, and referred to a moment in the past. She immediately responded good morning and said she remembers the moment (of course). This is the first positive communication I have received in a few weeks. I'm not going to respond to her response.. I will wait until next week when she is back home and text her again next week and refer to another moment in our history, etc.. to try to kick a call or two with her . Once she get's back in town, that will be my last chance to try and reconnect.. or I am booking my ticket to work on an Island thousands of miles away.

 

I'm not sure if I ruined my chances due breaking to NC, maybe I should have just waited until she was on her trip.. I actually think NC ruined us initially, as she is the type of girl that if you dont reconcile and issue quickly, she will move on due to the pressure. A week is not going to make a difference; she will have a week to think without influence and either stay away from my life forever or start fresh with the adventure we always hoped for.

 

Thoughts?

 

Oh dude, I hadn't even read that part. No no no.

 

Don't do it.

 

Your reasoning is she's made this massive mistake and she'll come running back. No she hasn't made a mistake. Might be tough to hear but she actually does want this. Her being nice to you on a text is just that, being nice. It's not her rethinking what she's done it's just her feeling a bit sorry for you.

 

Guilt tripping her is not going to work either, as much as she remembers your "moments", I'm afraid she's making new moments with this new dude, and new love fog is a very powerful thing, it was powerful enough to put an end to your relationship.

 

Just move on. Good luck.

[nevermindme]

I had the worst dream last night. Thank you for your powerful words; I understand I am in a pre-thought rationale and your advise is important to consider especially post-thought where I need to be.

 

I have been the rebound of other LT relationships.. and despite being the new love fog.. I saw how lost/confused these girls were after the initial excitement. I know my girl is lost/confused... I know I lost her and she will despise to face her decision; leaving me with no closure. She knows I will reach out.. but she also knows I have to let go. She is aware of the 2 week window, as am I.. before moving on. I know there is nothing I can or should do... but my heart tells me different.

[JS84]

Women want what they can't have. And women do not want weak needy men, especially men who become weak and needy after the woman ****s them over. A guy fawning all over a woman, pleading, begging and crying for her to come back after she cheats on him and leaves? You might as well have bathed in urine and tried to give her a bear hug. I'm pretty sure if you had told her to not let the door hit her on the way out when she left at the start and cut off all contact, she would have considered coming back or at the very least been more willing to reach out to you. Because the one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship at the end of the day. You pretty much gave her control over you. That being said, you're better off without her. Learn from this and don't ever put anyone on a pedestal like that in a relationship again.

[smackie9]

Contacting her like that will make her think everything is ok with you and you forgive her....which may plunk you into the friends zone. Stop contacting her. Like I said if she wants you back, she knows where to find you. Never make her believe that you will take her back. She will know you are an option if things don't work out with the other guy.

[nevermindme]

Please excuse my nieve'ness. But please clarify the reconciliation harm in communicating when she is finally not around the influence by the coworkers she has known for a few months (that facilitated her leaving), and back around long term friends/family that know us both. (not to say whether they know/support her recent actions).

 

She likely thinks I am an option as a fall back over the following two months. The reality is, she has two weeks before she won't be able to contact me or find me.. and once I am gone, There are no options for her to communicate with me.

 

I know I don't need her, and am prepared to move forward.

 

From my loveblind desires, this is the time where I should make everything transparent to her; either for her to confirm her decision in cement or pressure to contemplate regret earlier than normal grass is greener syndrome..

 

*From a logical understanding; who cares, she already confirmed her decision in cement by her actions; if she then later relapses her thoughts and her actions, she'll be the only one with true regret.

[smackie9]

"You pretty much gave her control over you".......this is why it's harmful. It puts into her mind that if she snaps her fingers, she has you back. It's showing weakness, and with weakness, it sets you up to be taken for granted again. NC means you will have nothing to do with her, and that will make her regret and realize her loss.

[nevermindme]

Wake up alone, in a city/state alone, work all day to come home alone... this is rougher than I ever imagined.. it was also my longest and deepest relationship I have ever been in... my mind/heart is struggling with no closure and no communication. It's like if we were sailing across the ocean, then she jumped ship to a new captain... now the boats are drifting away, there is a rope I am holding onto still.. but it's slipping out of my hands, only enough slack for another week and half... before I loose sight completely and have no choice but to continue my course alone... she also knows this as there is no way to find my boat after the next few weeks... it's not easy not to be concerned for me.

 

She is on a trip back to where we are originally from right now.. I am sure her family/friends know she jumped to someone new.. but I also know a lot of people will ask about me that don't know... My mind struggles with whether this time away from her honeymoon romance will make her think of that romance, or if the break will allow her to review what she left behind [me]. I know she found new love... and it was powerful enough to kill our relationship and there is nothing I can do. Trying to communicate is obviously failing, and not trying to communicate leads into the same course.

 

This sucks... I know I should not reach out any further.. but what does it really matter at this point. I know in my heart, that I no longer have her heart. So many terrible trends have happened since she left, I can't wait for the moment my life turns around for the better. I know I should let her be completely... and I should fake it until I make it on my own. It is just too hard to follow that path right now.

[smackie9]

You have friends and family.....call them up on skype and talk with them.

[nadine5]

OP...where do you live? Wanna go out?

 

:-D

[aliveagain]

Friend, your waking up alone and she is waking up in the arms of another man and you want her back? Why, because your alone? Go out with friends, go on a date, don't be her fall back position. The woman is tainted, she willingly gave herself to another man. If she cheats on you before your married she will cheat on you after you are married. Move to your island, leave her in your past and learn from this experience. Stop all contact with her. Any chance you can leave early to get away from her? You deserve better, don't settle for her cheating a$$.

[Keke1]

Well. I came to this conclusion. The day she left, was the day I already knew I was taking control of myself again (and the relationship) but never expected my world to be flipped. But after the rough realization that I was too late..It took a few weeks to re grasp myself.. it's been 5 weeks total. Limited contact... 6 days NC. and I am starting to feel good about myself, my self esteem, confidence, etc... if NC is mostly for myself, it is not really necessary for me as I have a wonderful future approaching regardless that I worked hard for (for us). She goes back on a trip to where we are originally from next week and will finally not be around the influence of her rebound or coworkers. And since I will be making decisions to leave the country in the following weeks. I don't have time for games..I dont even want to play games with the girl I care for and spent so much time so close to. She is either in my life or not (currently not obviously) and she knows I will have to move on next month with or without her.. so if NC is going to bring her back.. then she will realize her mistake too late.

 

I broke the NC this morning. Sent a text saying good morning, and referred to a moment in the past. She immediately responded good morning and said she remembers the moment (of course). This is the first positive communication I have received in a few weeks. I'm not going to respond to her response.. I will wait until next week when she is back home and text her again next week and refer to another moment in our history, etc.. to try to kick a call or two with her . Once she get's back in town, that will be my last chance to try and reconnect.. or I am booking my ticket to work on an Island thousands of miles away.

 

I'm not sure if I ruined my chances due breaking to NC, maybe I should have just waited until she was on her trip.. I actually think NC ruined us initially, as she is the type of girl that if you dont reconcile and issue quickly, she will move on due to the pressure. A week is not going to make a difference; she will have a week to think without influence and either stay away from my life forever or start fresh with the adventure we always hoped for.

 

Thoughts?

 

This is sad. Literally makes me sad. I laughed also to be honest. Man do you think she is thinking of you when she is doing umm things with this other guy? You are waiting for him to pass her back to you? What next? I mean all these excuses in your last paragraph also. Lol stop. Dont be a freaking doormat. Dont wait on him to lend her to you. Leave the situation. Your brain and heart will thank you later. Trust that

Edited August 20, 2014 by Keke1