The passive aggressive ways of women?

[irc333]

Sorry for this to sound gender related, but I think this is more frequent with women than men.

 

For those of who have ever been blown off or flaked out by a woman, some tend to stick around to attempt to string along for a little more longer.

 

For instance, I had a situation where this woman, who lives about a 30 min drive from me said when she's in my town, we could get together. But...this has never happened.

 

WE'd be chatting online and she'd say, "Oh, hey I was in <name of my town> and I was thinking about you and I went to that store.

 

Me: "Oh, you mean the store you talked about when we were suppose to both get together to go visit while you were in my town?"

 

There was a time way back, where this woman, she'd always call me and make tentative plans to get together...she said she wanted to see a certain movie with me, and something would always come up...usually "work" related.

 

Then one time we're talking on the phone and she would "let it slip", Oh, I went out with some friends and saw <name of movie title>"

 

Me: "Oh, you mean the movie you and I were suppose to go see? How come you didn't call me when you were going to go see it with your friends?"

 

Her: "Oh, the movie sucked anyway, and it was such at the last minute, too".

 

That being said, I wonder when women say this, are they purposely trying to upset you as a man?

[Smilecharmer]

She knows you are interested in her and she isn't interested in you so she is trying to be nice so she won't hurt your feelings. I agree she should tell you that she doesn't want to do things with you at all, but women are trained from birth to be nice to others. It isn't usually done to be passive aggressive but instead as a kindness. This is one of the differences in men and women you are never going to understand. Let it go and tell her you aren't interested in being friends.

[irc333]

It isn't usually done to be passive aggressive but instead as a kindness. This is one of the differences in men and women you are never going to understand. Let it go and tell her you aren't interested in being friends.

 

Nah, I really don't buy it. If someone who had said they'll see a certain movie with you and they then go ahead and see that movie without you, it's actually an act of un-nice behavior. Had nothing to with being nice whatsoever.

 

I'd rather her just leave that information out and say, "Me and some friends caught a movie" or just had not said anything at all about where she went WITHOUT me of course.

[Smilecharmer]

Ok, then tell her you how you feel or that is passive aggressive if you keep being friendly with her while you are angry with her behavior. You see things one way, I see it another. I know that women are trained to do stuff like this to save feelings. Guys aren't. They are trained to be more direct. She was trying to be nice or she would have been more direct and said she isn't interested. Regardless, you need to stop talking to her if you are angry about her behavior or you are passive aggressive with her.

[Eivuwan]

I think one of the issues is how we were raised. Women are generally taught to not hurt people's feelings, but then they need an outlet when they're angry/other negative emotions so it ends up being passive aggressive. That's my theory anyway.

[Anela]

Irc, can you make a nice thread about women? Or even one about hobbies, tv shows, something aside from this?

[carhill]

Over the decades I came to accept such behaviors, not meaning that I accept them as behaviors I support or tolerate personally but rather as one intrinsic behavioral set that women are socialized with. It's often difficult for a man to understand because we exert power completely differently. One analogy I like to use is the boxing analogy. When your opponent strikes a cleverly crafted left hook, it smarts. He scored some points. When a woman can get an emotional rise out of man, particularly one which suits her needs or aspirations, she's scored that same left hook and its points, without ever striking a physical blow.

 

Any man whose been emotionally abused by a woman will understand completely. The blows can often feel worse than blows landed by a male opponent. I've felt both and the similarities are remarkable, though the latter was more street fights and not organized boxing for fun and sport, rather being hurt and intending to hurt. We're built and wired differently, that's all.

 

OP, in your particular scenario, and generally applicable to any similar scenario with a relatively unknown and/or uncared for stranger, simply accept the words, push back if it suits your desires, and move on. IME, generally, a man who plays word games with a woman is like taking a knife to a gunfight. Think happy thoughts.

[mikethemechanic]

Nah, I really don't buy it. If someone who had said they'll see a certain movie with you and they then go ahead and see that movie without you, it's actually an act of un-nice behavior. Had nothing to with being nice whatsoever.

 

I'd rather her just leave that information out and say, "Me and some friends caught a movie" or just had not said anything at all about where she went WITHOUT me of course.

Ever thought that ow may have been triangulating you with s.o. Sometime ago a woman did this to me apparently she was in a relationship however s.o wasn't moving fast enough towards a "marriage" so she used a nice guy like me to send her text messages only to have her pass them over to her boyfriend, look I have a stalker do you want to marry me now?

 

That almost cost me my job, after her taking those text message to my boss.

[Tayla]

irc333, I've been in your scenario. A guy I dated for two years knew how much I looked forward to one of our regional fairs. The week of it, I was elated and ready to go enjoy an evening out with him. Instead when I arrived at his house, He had a note taped on his door, that his good friend invited him out. At first I was taken aback, then I thought, well he hadn't seen that friend in awhile. That night ( rather late) , He calls to share his day. They had gone to the fair and saw a great band, and on and on he went about it. He hung up and the next day I saw him in person. He said Why you so angry?? Its no big deal who I go out with , besides it was a guy thing to hang out and we are musicians after all.

He came off dismissive, and that to me is a no no. Gender aside, it was an antic that is not well received. So, its done by adults without consideration for the other. That is the red flag. This lady friend simply is not of the mindset to have consideration , its neither passive or aggressive, its simply socially inept.

[SpiralOut]

I dated a man who did this. When I confronted him on his behaviour, he denied being angry. He wouldn't admit to anything being wrong, yet continued to act like a dick. Needless to say it didn't last very long. I have no tolerance for that bull****.

 

People who act passive-aggressive don't always realize they are doing it. For whatever reason, they learned that they cannot or should not express their anger, so they try to hide it. Thing is, you can't always hide it. It comes out in other ways. They aren't just tricking you, they are tricking themselves as well. They will convince themselves they are not angry, and they will justify their own actions to themselves.

 

A more self-aware person might admit to it when you call them out. Most passive-aggressives won't.

[mikethemechanic]

I dated a man who did this. When I confronted him on his behaviour, he denied being angry. He wouldn't admit to anything being wrong, yet continued to act like a dick. Needless to say it didn't last very long. I have no tolerance for that bull****.

 

People who act passive-aggressive don't always realize they are doing it. For whatever reason, they learned that they cannot or should not express their anger, so they try to hide it. Thing is, you can't always hide it. It comes out in other ways. They aren't just tricking you, they are tricking themselves as well. They will convince themselves they are not angry, and they will justify their own actions to themselves.

 

A more self-aware person might admit to it when you call them out. Most passive-aggressives won't.

 

well in my case I think that if she'd wanted me it would have been apparently obvious IME she was looking for a good listener booty-call.

[GemmaUK]

For instance, I had a situation where this woman, who lives about a 30 min drive from me said when she's in my town, we could get together. But...this has never happened.

 

WE'd be chatting online and she'd say, "Oh, hey I was in <name of my town> and I was thinking about you and I went to that store.

 

Me: "Oh, you mean the store you talked about when we were suppose to both get together to go visit while you were in my town?"

 

There was a time way back, where this woman, she'd always call me and make tentative plans to get together...she said she wanted to see a certain movie with me, and something would always come up...usually "work" related.

 

Then one time we're talking on the phone and she would "let it slip", Oh, I went out with some friends and saw <name of movie title>"

 

Me: "Oh, you mean the movie you and I were suppose to go see? How come you didn't call me when you were going to go see it with your friends?"

 

Her: "Oh, the movie sucked anyway, and it was such at the last minute, too".

 

My first impressions looking at these parts of your post which I picked out is that in the first instance I get the feeling these women didn't think you were terribly interested in them.

In OLD women range from getting massive over the top interest (marriage proposals in a first mail to those who play it so cool that they appear totally disinterested.

On several occasions I've said to a guy that he just didn't seem interested so I quit contact. Every single time I have done that they have returned saying they were just playing it cool ...but by that time I was bored and had written them off.

 

Perhaps also you come across as having a very active social life - it does appear that way from what you post in LS. So it's quite possible that they don't even think they are much more than a speck on your radar.

 

To be perfectly honest from the conversations there that you have posted you are coming off as very passive aggressive and if these women felt the way I wrote above then their comments are actually not at all.

 

You do seem to have a somewhat 'anti' view of women as if they are a different species that there will only be some battle with. Maybe these women pick up on that too?

 

Until you 'like' the gender you wish to date it's probably best to avoid dating at all.

 

Don't forget too that the common denominator here is you so if the same thing happens more than once in interactions with women then it's likely down to something you are doing or not doing.

 

I know for me, one person in my life cheated on me, one was abusive. I don't tar all men with the same brush. I have also learned my part in both of those situations so that they don't get repeated (and guess what? So that I didn't become the common denominator!) Plus I know that those things applied to 'those men' and not all men. Men are great and great fun to be around!

You seem to have the belief that once one woman does something then it follows that we all do. Not only that but that we only do it deliberately to infuriate men.

[Priv]

Irc, can you make a nice thread about women?

 

That would be an oxymoron

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kidding, really, just kidding!

[guest569]

Yeah a few guys have done this to me.

[Lani]

Errrrm.. Your responses seem far more passive aggressive (and lame) than these women's actions.

[Zeurich]

Try to observe your self than try to find why where and how of woman.

[guest569]

Errrrm.. Your responses seem far more passive aggressive (and lame) than these women's actions.

 

This is true!

[irc333]

That IIII wasn't interested in these women?? You have no idea how way off you are.

 

 

 

My first impressions looking at these parts of your post which I picked out is that in the first instance I get the feeling these women didn't think you were terribly interested in them.

In OLD women range from getting massive over the top interest (marriage proposals in a first mail to those who play it so cool that they appear totally disinterested.

On several occasions I've said to a guy that he just didn't seem interested so I quit contact. Every single time I have done that they have returned saying they were just playing it cool ...but by that time I was bored and had written them off.

 

Perhaps also you come across as having a very active social life - it does appear that way from what you post in LS. So it's quite possible that they don't even think they are much more than a speck on your radar.

 

To be perfectly honest from the conversations there that you have posted you are coming off as very passive aggressive and if these women felt the way I wrote above then their comments are actually not at all.

 

You do seem to have a somewhat 'anti' view of women as if they are a different species that there will only be some battle with. Maybe these women pick up on that too?

 

Until you 'like' the gender you wish to date it's probably best to avoid dating at all.

 

Don't forget too that the common denominator here is you so if the same thing happens more than once in interactions with women then it's likely down to something you are doing or not doing.

 

I know for me, one person in my life cheated on me, one was abusive. I don't tar all men with the same brush. I have also learned my part in both of those situations so that they don't get repeated (and guess what? So that I didn't become the common denominator!) Plus I know that those things applied to 'those men' and not all men. Men are great and great fun to be around!

You seem to have the belief that once one woman does something then it follows that we all do. Not only that but that we only do it deliberately to infuriate men.

[irc333]

Also I don't tar all women Im speaking of with one brush. I am just wondering if a woman DOES perform these kinds of behaviors are being passive aggressive?

 

Just figured I'd clarify or reiterate that :-)

[Lani]

Also I don't tar all women Im speaking of with one brush. I am just wondering if a woman DOES perform these kinds of behaviors are being passive aggressive?

 

Just figured I'd clarify or reiterate that :-)

 

You're not getting it.

I, as a woman, cannot answer.

Anela, as a woman, cannot answer this.

Eivuwan, as a woman, also cannot answer.

 

Why? Because we are not 'the' woman who did this. We are all individual women who do different things for different reasons.

 

If it really concerns you so much, just ask her.

Or start another thread, just in case that yields a different result

[Imajerk17]

irc333, I'll say this again, all of your threads are the same: "Why do women do..."

 

HOWEVER, before everyone criticizes you even more, I find the women's responses unsatisfying too. C'mon ladies, you have to realize that there really isn't anything kind about telling someone you are going to be somewhere and do something, and then not following through.

 

This is what I really think is going on (I said this in another thread): At the end of the day, people are "nice" (conflict-avoidant) primarily for THEIR sake, not yours. They might not want you to feel bad, but what is REALLY happening is that they are avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of confrontation or saying something and then WITNESSING you feeling bad.

 

I think it is relevant who is the one initiating the plans, the women or him. If the woman initiates the plans and then is the one breaking them, then that is truly uncool If irc333 is the one initiating plans, then, well....

Edited August 15, 2014 by Imajerk17

[irc333]

If I initiate I KEEP the commitment to meet.

 

Rarely women initiate but VeRY recently one did invite me to her house to catch a movie On Demand with her only to cancel the next day.

 

I offered up following days but she said she was busy all weekend and said maybe next week.

 

irc333, I'll say this again, all of your threads are the same: "Why do women do..."

 

HOWEVER, before everyone criticizes him, I find the women's responses unsatisfying too. C'mon ladies, you have to realize that there really isn't anything kind about telling someone you are going to be somewhere and do something, and then not following through.

 

This is what I really think is going on (I said this in another thread): At the end of the day, people are "nice" (conflict-avoidant) primarily for THEIR sake, not yours. They might not want you to feel bad, but what is REALLY happening is that they are avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of confrontation or saying something and then WITNESSING you feeling bad.

 

I think it is relevant who is the one initiating the plans, the women or him. If the woman initiates the plans and then is the one breaking them, then that is truly uncool If irc333 is the one initiating plans, then, well....

[MissBee]

Sorry for this to sound gender related, but I think this is more frequent with women than men.

 

For those of who have ever been blown off or flaked out by a woman, some tend to stick around to attempt to string along for a little more longer.

 

For instance, I had a situation where this woman, who lives about a 30 min drive from me said when she's in my town, we could get together. But...this has never happened.

 

WE'd be chatting online and she'd say, "Oh, hey I was in <name of my town> and I was thinking about you and I went to that store.

Me: "Oh, you mean the store you talked about when we were suppose to both get together to go visit while you were in my town?"

There was a time way back, where this woman, she'd always call me and make tentative plans to get together...she said she wanted to see a certain movie with me, and something would always come up...usually "work" related.

 

Then one time we're talking on the phone and she would "let it slip", Oh, I went out with some friends and saw <name of movie title>"

Me: "Oh, you mean the movie you and I were suppose to go see? How come you didn't call me when you were going to go see it with your friends?"

Her: "Oh, the movie sucked anyway, and it was such at the last minute, too".

 

That being said, I wonder when women say this, are they purposely trying to upset you as a man?

 

IRC333, you're using the term passive aggressive out of context. In fact, do you realize that the bold is what passive aggressive means...the comments you made to her are passive aggressive comments, i.e. comments that express indirect hostility through, in your case, sarcasm?

 

What you did was act passive aggressively, you were obviously upset about what she did and reacted in an indirectly hostile manner through sarcasm instead of being straight forward and what she's doing is being a flake...not passive aggressive.

[BlueIris]

I wouldn't call that passive-aggressive what you described. Passive-aggressive is when women are angry/upset with you and purposely do something to stick it to you in order to take their anger out on you, but they do it in a passive way, rather than expressing their anger directly. Such as if you cancelled a date with them, and they later made a date with you and then purposely cancelled it to get back at you. That would be passive-aggressive. But from what you describe, it sounds more like they are keeping you as a low priority option if they feel like going somewhere, but are giving other people priority, or cancelling on you if someone/something else comes along that has higher priority for them. Alternatively, maybe you are misreading their intent. Is it possible that they don't realize you want to take them on a date, and instead they have friendzoned you and you are not high on their hierarchy of friends? Always make your intentions known from the start that you would like to take them on a date and then suggest a specific activity and day. If they say that can't, then make an alternate suggestion. If you are not getting a definitive answer from them about a specific day and activity, then assume they are not interested in dating, and are merely using you as a backup activity buddy to be at their convenience, and who will be cancelled on if something/someone better comes along.

 

This is what I think too.

 

And OP, you pose your questions in terms of gender instead of people. Notice that gay men and lesbian women don't make the same gender associations when they discuss dating and partners. It is possible to see people as people, and individuals as individuals, and to view the trials and tribulations of dating as the pains of people rather than the victimization of one gender and faults of the other gender as a whole. I've seen very passive aggressive men and women. I used to do a lot of divorce work and passive aggression was common but not more common in one sex than the other, as far as I could tell.

 

I don't see her going to the movie with someone else to be passive aggressive. Maybe her telling you about it is, but her going to the movie with someone else doesn't seem to be.

 

Another thing is kind of interesting in this. Was your invitation for a date actually an invitation for her to contact you if she was near you? If it was, I wouldn't bother contacting someone to do something only if I had gone to him or her, because I'd figure that person wasn't very interested in me.

Edited August 15, 2014 by BlueIris

[guest569]

The women in these scenarios are just liars who are incapable of rejecting someone or maybe keeping you around as a backup plan, and YOU are the one who is being passive aggressive.

 

I had some extremely elaborate, unique and creative excuses from a guy who after ignoring me for a couple of months finally admitted he just wasn't attracted to me. Gosh the fact he lied about wanting to see me again, made lots of excuses before ignoring me... Is much more hurtful. It means i wasn't even worthy of an explanation despite the fact i was trying to maintain contact. And i really had my hopes up cause he is an 11, obviously his personality is now not as highly ranked in my books. Anyway, getting side tracked. I have never really had to reject many guys cause they beat me to it, but I would never lie about it or leave them hanging for too long.