Crazy twisted relationship with my mother

[Lacey87]

Hi everybody. First of all, it's so good to see there are so many people with similar issues, I've always thought I was alone...it's good to see I was wrong.

Second, forgive my English I may do some mistakes, it's not my first language.

 

So, I'm 27 and I live with my mother and my two lovely dogs. I'm attending to med school and I am a rather brilliant student even though I have to deal with a codependent parent everyday, and my parents' divorce stole so much time from my studies that I have lost almost three years of uni, so I'm currently late.

 

My parents have always had a troubled relationship and used to argue a lot, with a 7 year old daughter (I'm an only child) forced to help them getting along, failing, trying again and so on.

My father worked at home so he was always there for my mother (he loved her deeply) and developed her codependent personality so much that she was never alone.

I think she's always been depressed but seen from the outside she is just an amazing person, bright, artistic, cheerful.

 

In 2007 she met a man and she fell in love. She talked about him all the time and she told me she would have killed herself if she couldn't be with him.

I was devastated because I wanted her to be happy and my father is a tough person to deal with (he has OCD, has problems with emotions and is very hard to make him happy so I thought that at least she could be happy)

 

So I made everything up.

 

I told her that man loved her. I told her he was just confused. He even refused her and I made up excuses. She believed me. I was terrified.

We talked 24/7, she woke me up at 3 AM to talk about that man and I didn't have the guts to tell her to let it go.

 

Then my parents obviously divorced and my father went to Venezuela and my mother was astonished. She lost 10kgs and was devastated. But she still wanted that man and I kept on making excuses and sh*t.

Then that person disappeared from out lives and I started to send her flowers and so on so she could think he loved her.

 

And then letters.

 

I send her emails daily from that imaginary person making excuses (I told her he's sick and has a serious disease so they can't be together but he loves her dearly) and I'll have to quit this whole lie in September and I'm terrified. I know I might seem completely crazy, I was left alone dealing with bigger things than me...I don't know. I feel so guilty.

 

I'm sorry for this post because I realize it's very confused and poorly written I'm just crying so much and I needed to tell someone...

 

I'm so lonely and afraid.

 

I suffered from self injury for two long years (2008-2010) and I'm on therapy but it's not helping so much...

 

Thank you for reading, I'm sorry again...

[sunrise24]

Hi Lacey87,

 

Welcome to LS. Fun fact: today is my birthday; we're now the same age.

 

I have been in several codependent relationships before; I understand how it goes. My mother was also in codependent relationships when I was growing up (though her behavior wasn't as severe as what you've described).

 

Codependency often starts with noble intentions; being there for someone you deeply care about. However, such intentions have a way of backfiring.

 

Essentially, you've trapped yourself in a vicious cycle where you end up sabotaging yourself without any lasting benefit to the codependent you've intended to help.

 

I have a few questions for clarification:

 

1. What is your financial situation like? Do you have any income of your own?

 

2. How much longer do you have in med school? What is the significance of September regarding quitting the whole lie? (on a side note, it's important that you at least acknowledge the necessity of doing so)

 

3. Where does this loneliness come from? Do you have any close friends you can confide in?

 

4. Has your mother ever considered therapy, or have you spoken to her about it?

 

If I were in your situation, I would be taking steps to detach from your mother, acquiring whatever income and supportive relationships I need to handle the transition out of the codependency of the relationship. It would then still be possible to provide assistance remotely, as long as it doesn't interfere with your own priorities.

 

It's a painful reality, but you alone can't salvage someone if she's too far gone to acknowledge the need to salvage herself; even if you "succeeded," there would most likely be a regression upon removing yourself from the situation.

 

Hopefully this is a helpful start; feel free to ask any further questions you may have.

 

P.S. I had no trouble understanding your English or making sense of what you wrote; no need to apologize for your need to put yourself out there.

Edited August 15, 2014 by sunrise24

[Lacey87]

Hi Lacey87,

 

Welcome to LS. Fun fact: today is my birthday; we're now the same age.

 

I have been in several codependent relationships before; I understand how it goes. My mother was also in codependent relationships when I was growing up (though her behavior wasn't as severe as what you've described).

 

Codependency often starts with noble intentions; being there for someone you deeply care about. However, such intentions have a way of backfiring.

 

Essentially, you've trapped yourself in a vicious cycle where you end up sabotaging yourself without any lasting benefit to the codependent you've intended to help.

 

I have a few questions for clarification:

 

1. What is your financial situation like? Do you have any income of your own?

 

2. How much longer do you have in med school? What is the significance of September regarding quitting the whole lie? (on a side note, it's important that you at least acknowledge the necessity of doing so)

 

3. Where does this loneliness come from? Do you have any close friends you can confide in?

 

4. Has your mother ever considered therapy, or have you spoken to her about it?

 

If I were in your situation, I would be taking steps to detach from your mother, acquiring whatever income and supportive relationships I need to handle the transition out of the codependency of the relationship. It would then still be possible to provide assistance remotely, as long as it doesn't interfere with your own priorities.

 

It's a painful reality, but you alone can't salvage someone if she's too far gone to acknowledge the need to salvage herself; even if you "succeeded," there would most likely be a regression upon removing yourself from the situation.

 

Hopefully this is a helpful start; feel free to ask any further questions you may have.

 

P.S. I had no trouble understanding your English or making sense of what you wrote; no need to apologize for your need to put yourself out there.

 

 

Fun fact indeed! happy birthday then! Mine was on the 28th of July, so, thank you for your kind words fellow Leo!

 

1. I'm financially stable, for my father has to give me a monthly decent amount of money until I'll have a job of my own (I'll graduate next year and here I'll apply for a PhD so in two years I'll be economically independent) I even own a small house I will live in when it's ready but it'll take months and it's next door to my actual home so meh. But I'm lucky.

 

2. I'll graduate next year, September is a deadline because I won't be able to sell my mother lies any longer. First because I don't want to, secondly because she wouldn't buy further lies. So there'll be an other 'breakup' and everything else.

 

3. No, I actually have many friends and even a boyfriend but I suffer very much from the stigma of being 'crazy' or 'insane' for doing what I do, and nobody knows all the truth (they don't know the man my mom is having troubles with is...me. Ugh)

 

4. I've tried but she yells the crazy one is me, or my father and she's perfectly sane and fine.

 

You're right and wise, and I thank you for your words, I know what I have to do, it's just so painfully frightening to me.

I have a tiny family and my mother has always been (wrongly) the object of my efforts to please someone.

 

I'm making first steps, now we're on holiday and I'm trying not to fix everything for her...I'm just so tired and I wish I didn't have to deal with all of this.

 

 

I feel a lot better anyways :*

[Lacey87]

Update: I'm super trying not to fix everything as always and I'm doing...well, not fine but at least better than before.

Eg my mom asks me to look at her weight when she weighs in because she doesn't want to see (believe it or not, this whole 'I'm on a diet but you have to control me, so it's your responsibility' led to physical aggression a couple years ago)

I did so, and told her the bare truth 'you can look down mom, you gained weight, watch your meals if you want to lose weight'

Normally I wouldn't have told her, and I'd do the maths to let her loose weight telling her she was stable instead (oh god I've never told anyone, I feel so messed up ffs)

 

She told me she knows my life is stuck because of her sentimental troubles and that she wants me to be free and live my own life fully.

 

At least the fact that she acknowledges my difficulties makes me feel better. The storm is coming but I'm trying to be prepared, stay strong and don't let the waves wash me off (feeling poetic today)