I cheated but is there a way to fix things?

[paintlightening]

I'm sure you must have heard of the drunken stories so many times and even I would laugh before. Thing is, it happened nearly 2 weeks ago and I ended up fooling around with someone else. It means stuff but no sex. I was beyond horrified and actually threw up shortly afterwards.

 

I was sending a text message from my cell to my best friend Tayna about the guilty I'm going through after cheating and asking if I should tell him. Then I get a reply of ''When did you cheated, so you were going to hide this''. It wasn't Tayna's cell I send the text to but to him. Their numbers are very similar and I accidentally admitted it all to him.

 

Well he did said about still working it out but can't guarantee if it will lead to a break-up later on or if he can't handle it anymore but will try. Does anyone have any suggestions? What would make a guy feel better?

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you cheat? No, alcohol isn't the reason. Unless and util you ask yourself what went wrong and why you betrayed your boyfriend, you won't be able to fix it.

[paintlightening]

Thank you for the reply. I was under stress due to exams and other personal family issues that the party held at my best friend's made me forget about all of that, even if it was for a short time. I'm not the type of girl to go to parties too much to be honest and only have few selected friends I trust. It was pretty much something totally out of my normal character.

[No Limit]

The ball is in his court now. There's nothing to make him feel better, or like someone else wrote once "unbreak the heart". Good luck.

[paintlightening]

The ball is in his court now. There's nothing to make him feel better, or like someone else wrote once "unbreak the heart". Good luck.

I understand and will respect his wishes if he decides to break up later on. Though, for now I would like to think there is some hope we can work this out.

If you were him and decided to work this out, besides me expressing remoreful, being there for him and being sincere in answering his questions, what else would you have liked me doing?

[ExpatInItaly]

I understand and will respect his wishes if he decides to break up later on. Though, for now I would like to think there is some hope we can work this out.

If you were him and decided to work this out, besides me expressing remoreful, being there for him and being sincere in answering his questions, what else would you have liked me doing?

 

I'm not a man, but I'll throw in my two cents:

 

First of all, I'd want to know how you plan to deal with stress in the future. You indicate this was a driving force in your decision to cheat. You need to find a much better way to deal with it than being with another man.

 

Second, I'd want you to be a complete open book. Access to phone, email and social media when I'm feeling uncertain. You proved you're not trustworthy. You'd have a serious amount of legwork to do and I'd expect a heck of a lot more transparency.

 

Third, I'd need a considerable amount of time and patience from you. Don't get angry when I question where you're going and who you're with. Don't roll your eyes and get frustrated when I ask you the same questions about that night. Don't turn it around on me and blame me for what happened. Accept that you caused this and be willing to answer all my questions and deal with my resulting insecurity.

 

Fourth, if I decided to break up with you. be honest with other people why it ended. Own your cheating.

Edited August 15, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[Ophelia27]

I am confused..., their numbers look alike? Don't you have people saved on your phone under their names?

 

As for cheating, show how bad you feel. Avoid going out without your partner being present. Hell, avoid alcohol for a while. Do whatever it takes to show how sorry you are.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

As others have said, "why" is the most important part here. Knowing why you cheated will help you to understand your behavior and determine whether or not it's likely to happen again. If you only cheated because your mom was dying of cancer and her last wish was for you to do a ton of cocaine and go to Vegas, I would be pretty confident that that wouldn't happen again. Unfortunately, it sounds like you cheated as a coping mechanism---you were stressed, frustrated and drunk. Spoiler alert: you are going to be stressed, frustrated and drunk many, many times in your life. Are you going to cheat the next time the opportunity presents itself? Or will you replace the temptation with something else like more alcohol?

 

Look into dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). It's built around identifying our self-destructive coping mechanisms and seeking out healthier alternatives. In the meantime, there can be no guarantees about your boyfriend, but if you're completely honest and open with him about how you plan to change then you may stand a better chance.

[bubbaganoosh]

If I were you, when he asks questions, do not use the drunk excuse because that one ain't going to fly. Saying your were drunk is only ducking the real reason and chances are you'll make matters worse.

[Imajerk17]

Thank you for the reply. I was under stress due to exams and other personal family issues that the party held at my best friend's made me forget about all of that, even if it was for a short time. I'm not the type of girl to go to parties too much to be honest and only have few selected friends I trust. It was pretty much something totally out of my normal character.

 

If I were him this explanation definitely would not satisfy. Exam stress and family issues do not cause someone to cheat. A feeling of being drawn to the other person plus inhibited/bad judgement leads to cheating.

 

Far more honest might be this: 'I saw him at the party and as I was attracted to him/enjoying the validation/feeling crowded at the time by my boyfriend/just wanting to feel free from it all/ect , AND as I was of lowered inhibitions due to the alcohol, my emotions were in control and so I just went with it.'

 

This might sound harsh but what else can it be really. You have to take full responsibility for what happened. And unless you are brutally honest with yourself (and him), you won't get to the why you cheated and how can this not happen again.

Edited August 16, 2014 by Imajerk17

[No Limit]

If you were him and decided to work this out, besides me expressing remoreful, being there for him and being sincere in answering his questions, what else would you have liked me doing?

 

Don't be alarmed now or anything, but the only reason I'd ever take a cheater back would be to cheat with their sibling, tell them and then break up. And that would only happen if I'd be a hundred times more vicious than on my worst days. Remorse doesn't un-do anything. Perhaps the invention of a time machine could prove to be both useful and effective though.

 

@Imajerk17

Another reason for cheating would be the loss of interest, but I guess if OP says that it won't benefit her intention of reconciliation.

[paintlightening]

I'm not a man, but I'll throw in my two cents:

 

First of all, I'd want to know how you plan to deal with stress in the future. You indicate this was a driving force in your decision to cheat. You need to find a much better way to deal with it than being with another man.

 

Second, I'd want you to be a complete open book. Access to phone, email and social media when I'm feeling uncertain. You proved you're not trustworthy. You'd have a serious amount of legwork to do and I'd expect a heck of a lot more transparency.

 

Third, I'd need a considerable amount of time and patience from you. Don't get angry when I question where you're going and who you're with. Don't roll your eyes and get frustrated when I ask you the same questions about that night. Don't turn it around on me and blame me for what happened. Accept that you caused this and be willing to answer all my questions and deal with my resulting insecurity.

 

Fourth, if I decided to break up with you. be honest with other people why it ended. Own your cheating.

Thank you. All these points are helpful.

[paintlightening]

The reason why I say this was out of my character is because I've never drank like this in my life and it was a random guy at the party.

 

As far as the update, was with my bf briefly and he's been asking again regarding what we did that night, how he touched me and if I would have had sex with him. I was honest when answering all that. I have apologized countless times and when I tried hugging him to reassure him I was truly sorry, he backed off quickly and said he's trying to get past me doing stuff with the other guy but can't.

 

I'm trying my best but now I can't even hug nor kiss him. I really hope things will get better as time goes by and he sees I'm truly sorry for what I did. I'll even go as far as not ever drinking again.

[Liverpool Bloke]

Only my opinion,we are all different but if this 'fooling around" includes oral sex by you on the guy then need to set the bf free,drunk or not,that total destruction of both respect and trust is irreparable.Bit of fondling & kissing & can be worked out as long as he can do the same if he wishes to.Lying to him about the exact details of the "fooling around" is totally wrong tho,gotta be 100% honest cos sins always catch you out eventually,so to lie would create a time bomb.

[lolablue17]

If you're trying too much, it's like you're trying to take all the attention and focus to yourself. No! You caused this problem and you should be aware that maybe it can't be fixed. It's not up to you, it's up to him.

 

He needs some time to process his feelings. First positive sign - he has the motivation and will to work it out, he wants it. but you want him to "really" pass through that from his inside, otherwise it will poison your R for a long time.

 

So, yes, show him that you love him, but don't 'work on that' full time job.

[paintlightening]

Only my opinion,we are all different but if this 'fooling around" includes oral sex by you on the guy then need to set the bf free,drunk or not,that total destruction of both respect and trust is irreparable.Bit of fondling & kissing & can be worked out as long as he can do the same if he wishes to.Lying to him about the exact details of the "fooling around" is totally wrong tho,gotta be 100% honest cos sins always catch you out eventually,so to lie would create a time bomb.

I did told him the truth and he's feeling worst. The first questions he asked me were when it happened, why, if I was going to really never tell him about it, where and how it all happened but now his questions have gotten more deeper and were mainly base on what exactly we did (he wanted to know the position too) and how he touched me.

 

Yes, fooling around included oral sex. It was the 69 position. After I realized it got this far, this is when I felt sick, put my jeans back on and threw up.

[Zeurich]

I have gone all the answers and also your story!

you are a feeling player, that is not real good thing, exam stress and drinking and hanging with guys is not a reason or an excuse to play with your partners feelings, and also as I feel in your story it is not that you have send a text to Tanya you expressly send it to your partner that is how you let him know your guilt. Try to be honest for your self. To feel guilty later why you need to do such a thing any way?

I don't think there is anything that you can do him to feel better because damage is already done, and your message already broke the trust. you can try admitting that you have cheated but I have no clue how healthy relationship will that be afterwords. Because when ever you go out he might be thinking you are going to get drunk and sleep around.....

There are things in life you cannot undone just as a power point presentations

There is an Irish saying when the mistrust comes in love goes out!

[Zeurich]

I did told him the truth and he's feeling worst. The first questions he asked me were when it happened, why, if I was going to really never tell him about it, where and how it all happened but now his questions have gotten more deeper and were mainly base on what exactly we did (he wanted to know the position too) and how he touched me.

 

Yes, fooling around included oral sex. It was the 69 position. After I realized it got this far, this is when I felt sick, put my jeans back on and threw up.

 

I don't think you have a way out! only thing you can do tell the truth with no hidings, but cannot be sure he will forgive you,

[Zeurich]

Only my opinion,we are all different but if this 'fooling around" includes oral sex by you on the guy then need to set the bf free,drunk or not,that total destruction of both respect and trust is irreparable.Bit of fondling & kissing & can be worked out as long as he can do the same if he wishes to.Lying to him about the exact details of the "fooling around" is totally wrong tho,gotta be 100% honest cos sins always catch you out eventually,so to lie would create a time bomb.

yes I agree with you...

[ExpatInItaly]

I did told him the truth and he's feeling worst. The first questions he asked me were when it happened, why, if I was going to really never tell him about it, where and how it all happened but now his questions have gotten more deeper and were mainly base on what exactly we did (he wanted to know the position too) and how he touched me.

 

Yes, fooling around included oral sex. It was the 69 position. After I realized it got this far, this is when I felt sick, put my jeans back on and threw up.

 

You just suddenly came to and realized what was happening? No. You made a series of decisions. What were you telling yourself before and while you were doing this? How did you justify in your mind? I believe that reality hit you and that you stopped. But I don't buy that you just "realized" how far it had gone - you knew fully well what you were doing. Make sure your boyfriend understands that too.