Physical Attraction

[guest569]

If you think you can make a good life with that person, does it make a difference? At some point, moving on to the next stage in life with less than 100% certainty outweighs further self-destruction at the current stage. Not a perfect situation and not without it's own drawbacks but maybe in the long term, more good is done than harm.

 

I'm not exactly sure what you are saying.. there are certain things which you might compromise on but attraction shouldn't be one. I realise that no relationship can possibly be perfect. I dont want to be with someone who the thought of being intimate with makes me sick. No matter what their personality is like.

[irc333]

I wouldn't say that to someone whose in their 40's, 50's or 90's if they were single. That would be the same thing as saying:

 

"Hey since your life is meaningless because you're single why don't you pair up with ANYONE? They don't even have to be in your species just as long as you're not single."

 

That's just it, people who get up to that age bracket, then start whining about how they can't "Meet any good men", but have tons of men asking them out....and them refusing pretty much every single one of them....well...that's when its a signal for friends and family members to chime in.

 

Also, you might want to take a look at the Today Show article/video on how it may be okay to settle for "Mr. Good Enough" the author recognizes how women tend to be overly focused on what's not important in a relationship than what actually IS important."

 

I like the example they give on that website of "The Husband Store"...so funny because it's SO true.

[Kid_Charlemange]

That's what she is trying to say. You need looks to get your foot in the door, then your personality keeps people around.

 

I get that, and I agree. That's why I was surprised when the opposite happened to me recently (she really liked -- almost loved -- my personality, but ended it after two months solely because of my looks. The personality wasn't enough to overcome being so damn ugly. *shrug*)

[Kid_Charlemange]

Also, you might want to take a look at the Today Show article/video on how it may be okay to settle for "Mr. Good Enough" the author recognizes how women tend to be overly focused on what's not important in a relationship than what actually IS important."

 

 

Thanks for that clip. Interesting that she pointed out that women are "pickier" than men, and that studies have shown this. That's something I've often suspected. Most of my recent dating has been via OLD, which just reinforces that "shopping cart" mentality that applies to both sexes, but I really do think men are more likely to take a chance. Perhaps that's because in OLD, the sheer numbers give women far more choices.

[mikethemechanic]

That's just it, people who get up to that age bracket, then start whining about how they can't "Meet any good men", but have tons of men asking them out....and them refusing pretty much every single one of them....well...that's when its a signal for friends and family members to chime in.

 

Also, you might want to take a look at the Today Show article/video on how it may be okay to settle for "Mr. Good Enough" the author recognizes how women tend to be overly focused on what's not important in a relationship than what actually IS important."

 

I like the example they give on that website of "The Husband Store"...so funny because it's SO true.

Fish and Wildlife Agency state due to the addiction of collecting reptiles a smuggling enterprise is thriving. Australian outlaw bikers gangs are now moving into smuggling snakes, crocodiles and many other species out of Australia. There is no known cure for the collection of reptiles and birds it's addiction is comparable to the addiction of heroin. Maybe reptilian bad boys are just as addicting and with known cure. On the flip side **ty women may fit into this category as well giving the average woman much too compete with.

[beyondcrushed]

Well this is a tender subject with me, documented in my own LS thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/489767-giving-someone-chance

 

Bottom line: Very compatible woman who was thrilled with virtually everything about me gave up after two months because of my appearance. Says she tried really, really hard to get past it, and I believe her.

 

This is unusual, I guess; generally people won't go out with someone at all if they aren't attracted, let alone six dates over two months, and a lot of sex to boot. But it's no less a deal-killer after two months (or two years -- see below) than it is at first, I guess. At least for most people. I'm probably 5th percentile attractive, so I'm outside the bell curve. The rules change when you get to the fringes, I guess.

 

My last LTR went two years, and as we were breaking up my ex specifically pointed out my looks, basically saying "I lowered my standards for you because I felt sorry for you and I thought you were a really good guy. Now the sympathy has worn off and it turns out you've had some problems in previous relationships. Why should I settle for you?"

 

IOW, she dated me for two years, we slept together at least 100 times, and at one point we were talking about getting married or moving in together. But as time went on, the positives that I had offered early on began to wane, and they no longer overshadowed my lack of attractiveness.

 

It happens. Men do this routinely when they get older, and dump their wives who had been when them for decades for younger, hotter women. I guess it's human nature.

 

I did this with my exh. Wonderful guy in many ways - good values, loving, considerate, thoughtful, selfless, compassionate , loving , loyal, honest, we had great conversations , were best friends. But I didn't find him attractive but I looked past it. He had warm embraces. Anyway, the lack of attraction overshadowed the good, and after 13 years, we separated for many reasons with lack of attraction being one of them for me. It was so hard-- he'd want to be physically intimate often and I never wanted to. A huge strain on our marriage.

 

After we split, I went on to have a relationship with my exbf who I was so very attracted to, and what a difference! I enjoyed being with him and desired him. We had a great time and out of bed. But eventually his bad qualities were too much, so we broke up.

 

After experiencing both, I will only be with a man if I'm attracted to him and vice versa.

Edited September 4, 2014 by beyondcrushed

[TouchedByViolet]

Physical attraction is a sore subject for me as well. The last two women I went on dates with and slept with at some point made negative comments about my physically appearance. Not mean but just that they were not turned on. I'm 5'8" and 130lbs. They found my overall small size unattractive. They didn't have anything negative to say about my personality but never complimented my body. My goal is to put on weight to combat this but that is very hard for me (I've always been a slender guy).

 

Improving yourself physically is highly underrated. If someone isn't physically attracted to you then regardless of how good your personalities mesh you will be thought of as a friend.

[AD1980]

So the message is clear from posters if youre not physically attractive even if you find someone chances are they're settling and not attracted to you

Edited September 4, 2014 by AD1980

[BlueIris]

Do you believe that your personal PA is helping you or hindering you when you go out looking for love?

 

* * *

 

Any thoughts on the impact of Physical attraction over time, when all of us are going to gain/lose weight and wrinkle and grey as its the aging process? Despite plastic surgery and hair dye.

 

In my experience, people who have physical attraction as the top priority in choosing mates when they’re young continue to do so when they’re older. I believe them that they can’t develop attraction on any other basis.

 

I don't think my looks have helped or hindered because I'm pretty average and I date pretty average men. I think it's perfect. I don't want to date someone who's ambivalent or equivocal about whether he's attracted to me.

 

Hair is really a big deal in attraction for some men. I have short hair naturally. I can't grown long hair. But I have long haired wigs that I wear sometimes and it's amazing how much more attention I get from men when I have a long haired wig on. I put up pics in a wig on OLD as an experiment once, at my daughter's suggestion since she thinks its so sad I have short hair. It was pretty funny how the messages and winks and stuff spiked- hugely. Don't worry, I took it down, put up short-hair pics and most faded away. Like 90-95%. But it was interesting the effect of hair on attraction.

[Polak]

I actually have a very interesting experience with this. When we first met, my exgf pursued me at first, not the other way around. At the time I didn't feel the same way about her. (Later she told me "there was something about you that I couldn't resist" which I couldn't believe.... Me? Having some kind of irresistable feature to a woman? Either hell must have frozen over or she had recently smoked an unknown substance hahaha). Anyway, I didn't see her in the same way at first so I didn't accept her attempts to get to know me. A bunch of my friends were telling me "Go for it! She is way too good-looking" and even had a few fitness guys tell me "You are missing out, her body is a 10, you never see that these days" but I didn't know what the heck they were talking about.... Regardless of all this advice, I ended up praying about it to figure it out. About a week later I decided to get together with her for the first time. We ended up being together for 2 years before she left me to marry someone else (I learned it was hardcore GIGS) but during that time, I started to see what everyone else was saying about her looks, she started to become more and more gorgeous. It was like over time someone was slowly turning a dial to increase her physical attractiveness. Never experienced anything like that before. Since personality comes into play as well, I will mention that she was amazing in that respect. I've never met a woman so gentle, ambitious, funny yet firm when needed, loving and thoughtful in my life. So basically, her personality immediately presented itself to me whereas her extreme attractiveness took a while to "get accustomed to".... And eventually it all went down the drain! But that's life.

[irc333]

The only time I was able to get a woman to go out with me is when they were more into MY personality than the physical. Which is very few and far between.

 

 

I was thinking about why some people have a hard time or easy time in this area of dating.

 

Do you believe that your personal PA is helping you or hindering you when you go out looking for love?

 

I don't know why but for me. I just always feel that most of the time when I come to this board or other rship boards. I feel like we as a society are way to preoccupied with Physical looks to the point where we invalidate people way too much.

 

I guess as long as a person is well groomed and presentable. Why bother giving them the heave ho. I do realize that there are some looks that we can never overcome. I also think that after awhile. The Physical looks thing just gets sidelined after time. Its not like after 5/10 yrs of couple being together that its the main glue.

 

Any thoughts on the impact of Physical attraction over time, when all of us are going to gain/lose weight and wrinkle and grey as its the aging process? Despite plastic surgery and hair dye.

[irc333]

Thanks for that clip. Interesting that she pointed out that women are "pickier" than men, and that studies have shown this. That's something I've often suspected. Most of my recent dating has been via OLD, which just reinforces that "shopping cart" mentality that applies to both sexes, but I really do think men are more likely to take a chance. Perhaps that's because in OLD, the sheer numbers give women far more choices.

 

Yeah, finally something that shows that some of this "well, <this gender> does it too!" just so it makes them feel better to say it.

 

There are cases where one gender is proven to be more picky than the other gender.

[hotpotato]

In the mating game, everyone does the best they possibly can––optimization. This is one of the most fundamental behaviors encoded into the DNA of both genders. This innate determination to optimize mate selection is what prevents everyone from simply selecting a nice, compatible mate and living happily ever after. But sexual selection optimizes the quality of the gene pool overall––it's persistent because it's effective.

 

History and literature are filled with examples of women being deified for their beauty (Helen of Troy, Cleopatra), and men for power and status. In non-monogamous societies it wasn't unusual for hundreds of the land's most beautiful women to be the property of the king. Men could have as many wives as their wealth would support, the wealthiest having the most and most beautiful, the poor having none. So all virtually women gravitated toward power and wealth based on beauty. This would leave about 1/2 to 2/3 of the male population without reproductive access. Wars helped balance the numbers somewhat, but there were still a lot of unhappy, horny men. Monogamy bettered the lot of men drasticallyat the expense of women by mandating 1:1 distribution regardless of resources, but optimization persists... because it works. Just be thankful for monogamy.

 

Salparadise gets it! Polygyny is not the paradise most men think it would be. Really if we had polygyny, the Tom Bradys of the world can have a house full of wives (and kids) while average joe is single.

[hotpotato]

Thanks for that clip. Interesting that she pointed out that women are "pickier" than men, and that studies have shown this. That's something I've often suspected. Most of my recent dating has been via OLD, which just reinforces that "shopping cart" mentality that applies to both sexes, but I really do think men are more likely to take a chance. Perhaps that's because in OLD, the sheer numbers give women far more choices.

 

Men are more likely to give chances and even second chances because of the sex. I think we have figured this out already on ls.

 

 

I dont think pa has helped me much. Ive been called gorgeous and hot and still have a hard time with men. I tried to date a guy recently, and got tired of him. We would try to chat online, but hed accuse me of talking to other guys if i took too long to respond. Honestly, i was just listening to my chill music. Between that and him pressuring me for sexy pics we couldnt have a real discussion and definitely not a relationship. I have been left and overlooked for women who are more average. Really, a woman doesnt need to be a model to attract men. She only needs to be average. The average everyday woman is very sexy to most men.

 

Ive dated all kinds of men, short, tall, chunky, skinny, you name it.

[irc333]

 

Ive dated all kinds of men, short, tall, chunky, skinny, you name it.

 

If I could only meet more women like yourself. LOL

[AD1980]

I'd rather be with a women who's physically attracted to me then someone who doesn't find me physically appealing that I "grew on" but in my case that's probably not gonna happen

[carhill]

I'd rather be with a women who's physically attracted to me then someone who doesn't find me physically appealing that I "grew on" but in my case that's probably not gonna happen

I would opine, after having been married, yeah, things can, but are not guaranteed to, go better in the long term if attraction is strong; one, it allows for some slip over time and, two, the person isn't as easily distracted by another interesting flower to smell.

 

Regarding this quote from the OP:

 

"Any thoughts on the impact of Physical attraction over time, when all of us are going to gain/lose weight and wrinkle and grey as its the aging process? "

 

I came across something in the last couple days, when waxing a bit nostalgic about my youth. I remember, as a budding teenager, having this monstrous crush on Grace Slick (Jefferson Airplane) and her haunting voice and piercing eyes. I hadn't thought of her in decades and, when 'catching up' and seeing her interviews as a woman now in her 70's, one I was happy that she had survived(!) those years (wild times!) and two, looking into her eyes still made me sweat.

 

Perhaps someday I'll meet a woman where such feelings are a feature of our interactions. Perhaps not. In any event, at least the understanding is there.

[ja123]

IMO, I can usually find something attractive about someone (male or female).

 

 

As for dating, a man might become super attractive to me for his other qualities. I suppose I'm quite won over by intelligence and his ability to listen to me and "see me" beyond the physical.

 

 

However, I am dating a hot stud now. I've never quite experienced this degree of immediate and sustained physical attraction for someone (albeit it's only been 3-months). The problem is that we're not a match for long-term, so this issue is actually causing me some pains as it'll be harder to end it.

 

 

It's actually quite stressful to be this physically attracted to someone, IMO.

 

 

Good grief! Give me boring!

[GemmaUK]

I would opine, after having been married, yeah, things can, but are not guaranteed to, go better in the long term if attraction is strong; one, it allows for some slip over time and, two, the person isn't as easily distracted by another interesting flower to smell.

 

Regarding this quote from the OP:

 

"Any thoughts on the impact of Physical attraction over time, when all of us are going to gain/lose weight and wrinkle and grey as its the aging process? "

 

I came across something in the last couple days, when waxing a bit nostalgic about my youth. I remember, as a budding teenager, having this monstrous crush on Grace Slick (Jefferson Airplane) and her haunting voice and piercing eyes. I hadn't thought of her in decades and, when 'catching up' and seeing her interviews as a woman now in her 70's, one I was happy that she had survived(!) those years (wild times!) and two, looking into her eyes still made me sweat.

 

Perhaps someday I'll meet a woman where such feelings are a feature of our interactions. Perhaps not. In any event, at least the understanding is there.

 

Your Grace Slick was my ex.

He changed over the years (14) and put weight on - it made no difference as to me he was still that hot guy - still lovely looking but with a fuller face and body.

 

There were issues..obviously..but he was still sexy to me.

 

Finding a man my age who is sexy to me now is pretty difficult!

Slimmer and putting on weight I can deal with. Having a lot more weight than I was aware of due to hiding in clothes and then putting on more weight I cannot cope with so well.

In my defence I am pretty tiny and slim and I'm talking men with pregnant looking tums and moobs bigger than my DD cup!

[xxoo]

Any thoughts on the impact of Physical attraction over time, when all of us are going to gain/lose weight and wrinkle and grey as its the aging process? Despite plastic surgery and hair dye.

 

 

If attraction is only, or primarily, skin deep, it won't last. It's literally shallow. Deeper attraction is needed to stay the distance.

 

But don't disregard the value of physical attraction completely. While it isn't enough on its own, it does play a strong role in the big picture. After 20 years together, my spouse and I are still very attracted to each other. Sexual attraction doesn't necessarily fade with a few wrinkles or gray hairs. It can add to it!

[hellon]

I was thinking about why some people have a hard time or easy time in this area of dating.

 

Do you believe that your personal PA is helping you or hindering you when you go out looking for love?

 

I don't know why but for me. I just always feel that most of the time when I come to this board or other rship boards. I feel like we as a society are way to preoccupied with Physical looks to the point where we invalidate people way too much.

 

I guess as long as a person is well groomed and presentable. Why bother giving them the heave ho. I do realize that there are some looks that we can never overcome. I also think that after awhile. The Physical looks thing just gets sidelined after time. Its not like after 5/10 yrs of couple being together that its the main glue.

 

Any thoughts on the impact of Physical attraction over time, when all of us are going to gain/lose weight and wrinkle and grey as its the aging process? Despite plastic surgery and hair dye.

 

I agree that as a society we have a preoccupation with, and an unrealistic standard for physical appearance, but I think this is an issue separate from what we look for in a parter. The fact is, we can't really help who we're attracted to, and we can't fake chemistry. I think all of these things need to be there in the beginning, along with the personality and compatibility aspects, for a relationship to have a fighting chance. And yeah, beauty fades- but personalities change too. And aside from being drastic and having plastic surgery, there are ways to age gracefully. If I'm with someone and they're still taking good care of themselves and making an effort, that's what really matters. But yeah, I do think dating would be a lot easier if I wasn't looking for the whole package.

[Imported]

If attraction is only, or primarily, skin deep, it won't last. It's literally shallow. Deeper attraction is needed to stay the distance.

 

But don't disregard the value of physical attraction completely. While it isn't enough on its own, it does play a strong role in the big picture. After 20 years together, my spouse and I are still very attracted to each other. Sexual attraction doesn't necessarily fade with a few wrinkles or gray hairs. It can add to it!

 

 

"Beauty fades".

 

 

However, I know women who have been beautiful from their teens and on into the late 30's and I have no doubt will continue being beautiful past 60 and onto their afterlife.

 

I start out by looking for women like that. That is the first check point. Beauty fades, but some people start off less attractive looking than what some other people will ultimately fade to. Admittedly, I am pretty shallow for looks. I actually require that I feel physically attracted.

[SJC2008]

I'm starting to beleive it's mostly about looks. As sociable mkst people are, it seems like the whole world is one big click. So what would separate two sociable men/women from being picked to date?

[AD1980]

Which is why even though it never happens I'll wait for a women to approach me at least I'd know she's physically attracted to me..why try to grow on someone and win them over with your personality when in the end they won't be into you without physical attraction

[R3d]

To the women breaking up because of lack of sexual attraction, how did you manage to make out and have sex with him in the first place, consistently for years even?