Estranged father is trying to get back into my life...

[MissTrudy]

Ok, I am going to make this as short as possible.

I am a 25 year old woman. I was raised by a single mother, we didn't have much, but she worked her ass off for me to go to great schools, get a world-class education, and become who I am today.

 

For the first 18 years of my life (from birth until I moved to college) my dad lived a mere 10 miles away from us, approximately 20 minutes driving time. I would see him once a year if I was lucky, on Christmas. Not even every Christmas. Never on birthdays. He'd call and make promises to see me but wouldn't show up. He convinced my mom not to go through the court system to get child support and until I was about 12 she stupidly agreed, because she was still in love with him. I never got to know the rest of my family on his side (my cousins, aunts, uncles, two older siblings he fathered with another woman that I learned about from my cousins) because of him. He was not a father to me at all and did not raise me.

 

I went to an Ivy League college and I am currently in an Ivy League graduate program. He did a complete 180 when I went to college, talking about how proud he was of me, going with me and my mom to move in, wanting to see me over break. Still he never got to know me though... to this day he has never even given me a birthday gift, card, or even said happy birthday to me, even when my mom invited him to a birthday dinner (much to my opposition). And he never really asks about me, he sort of used our meetings as time to brag about himself, which was awkward for me most of the time because we didnt have a lot and he had these gorgeous cars, talked about trips, etc. Frustrating partly because he would give me broken or cheap gifts for christmas if anything at all... and my mom would spend hundreds on me even though I didn't want much at all. He and my mom get along well but I was never really in the conversation, I'd just tune out. He never tried to engage me really either. I was always respectful to him but I was really upset when I graduated from college in 2010 and he talked to my professors as if he was the one who raised me.

 

The interactions I've had with him lead me to believe that he is chauvinistic, conservative, racist, and maybe even a con artist. I am none of these things, no one in my family that I was raised by is, and I don't even understand how my mom could fall for him. Fortunately she is completely over him now, it helped that she met a guy who treated her well and when my father found out he freaked out, thinking she was his, even though they had nothing going on...

 

Christmas 2011, I got fed up with him pretending to be my father and take credit for raising me, so I lied about when I was traveling back to school. He found out and freaked out, I blocked his calls, he yelled at my mom and fortunately she yelled back at him (she had a bf at the time). We didn't talk for years, it was great. She didn't talk to him either.

 

Someone who works with my mom went to my dad's shop and somehow they figured out the connection to my mom, and he told her how he has a daughter with my mom and how he is proud of me, etc. His brother, my uncle, works with my mom and apparently my dad talks about me to him too. (Note my dad never introduced us, I met this uncle through my mom when I visited her job once and he seems really nice...he also seems to think that my dad is a hot mess). My mom told this nosey woman that we all don't talk anymore and out of the blue, when I was back in town visiting, I get a phone call from my father. I don't answer it because I am scared. I don't know this guy and I haven't talked to him in years and I was totally fine without him in my life, I hate that he thinks he can just come into my life when he wants.

 

Some of my relatives thought i should call him back, my mom stays out of it, but it's really grating at me what to do so eventually I joke that she should call him and ask him what he wanted since he didn't leave a voicemail and well, she did. I run out of the house because i don't want to talk and I don't come back until she is off the phone. He wanted to see me but said he'd call me again.

 

He calls me and I miss the call (phone is on silent) but he leaves a voice mail. he calls me again the next day and i see it and answer. we talk for 5 seconds literally, he wants to see me before i leave. i leave in two days. he comes over the next night and stays for about two hours, mostly talking to my mom. he says he's going to call me when i get off the plane. he does call, again we talk for 5 seconds, and he asks when is a good time to call me each week. i give him a random day and then we hang up.

 

He just texted me to say hi and that he loves me, etc etc. I don't want to talk to him. I don't know what to say. I don't want a relationship with him and I feel guilty feeling that way. Does that make me a bad person? Our "relationship" has always been on his terms, I've pretty much forgiven him but I still want nothing to do with him. There is so much going on in my life right now and so many people who are important to me, who I know love me, that I want to be with. he isn't one of them. He never explained why he wasn't around for me. He says I wouldn't understand in a condescending tone. Ever since I was a teen I've been struggling with him, I was in therapy for a few years and he was part of the problem. I've come such a long way and at this point I dont even want an explanation. The past 3 years of my life without him have been amazing and I am already feeling depressed having him try to come back.

 

What should I do? Should I write him a letter about how I feel? block his calls? Confront him? Give him a chance?

[newmoon]

give him a chance. unless your dad was abusive of something like that there is really no reason not to bridge distance if you can. be an adult. you will regret it later if you don't - if something happens to him - no matter what you feel now, if something happened to your dad you'd feel it. and your parents are allowed to proud of you all the time even when they are not in your life. it shows they care and i am sure he does/ you can't pick your family and his traits might not be what you are or what other members of your family represent, but he's a person too. just meet for a casual lunch or something and start slow.

[Lacey87]

I think you should give him a chance but also make it clear they you're not gonna be his loving daughter all of a sudden. Tell him how you feel, if it helps you write him a letter and let him marinate your feelings and instances.

A father is always a father, you might not want him in your life but at least give him a chance

Hugs

[sunrise24]

Hi MissTrudy,

 

I can strongly relate to what you're going through. I'm also estranged from my biological father, even though he was physically present in my life. The differences pretty much end there; my father also was never there for me on an emotional & spiritual level, which are most crucial for being an authentic parental figure.

What you've described about your father accurately describes mine as well, especially the parts about trying to take credit for who I am and telling me how proud he is of me; it's classic bait-and-switch behavior designed to feed the ego of a narcissist.

 

Considering how easy it is for your father to track you down and how persistent he is in doing so, if I was in your situation, I would write him a letter or give him a call to make it clear to him that I want no more contact with him. I would then also inform any close connections I have, in case he tries to reach me through them.

Since you no longer care for an explanation from him and you've long since been cultivating your own life, you don't owe him an explanation either. In your case, you already have your mother's support on the matter and that's a great start.

 

It's important to note that you already have given him a chance to come back into your life, as indicated by the events from you starting college until Christmas 2011. Did he ever truly change into someone who wanted to be there for you on that emotional and spiritual level? It doesn't sound that way to me.

 

Here, I also strongly relate: I had first gone No Contact with my father when I was 16; over the years, I came back into his life, only to then re-implement No Contact, a cycle which repeated at least 3 major times.

He never truly changed; never saw me as anything more than a second-class citizen, screwed up and unable to be fixed. So, 6 months ago, I once again implemented No Contact.

 

My 27th birthday was yesterday, and not surprisingly, my father called me and left a message; I deleted it instantly. I intend to make No Contact permanent this time.

 

At some point, the mind games should simply stop, for the sake of being able to enjoy a fulfilling life of your own.

 

However, if you decide to give him another chance, you can do so in a casual, public setting, such as lunch at a coffee shop. Here, it would be critically important to pay very close attention to the underlying attitude; the motives for what he says and what he does. Actions speak louder than words, and attitude speaks louder than actions.

My experience has been that people set in their ways to the extent of my father (and what you've described) never fundamentally change.

 

It's ultimately up to you to decide whether or not you want to give him yet another chance; I've just mapped out guidelines for the types of actions you can take along either fork in the road.

 

***

 

newmoon:

MissTrudy's father wasn't abusive in the traditional sense, because he wasn't present during her pre-adult life in the first place. Negligence, however, has it's own damaging effects on a child's development into adulthood. Fortunately, her mother provided solid support to offset such negligence.

 

Being an adult doesn't obligate you to maintain relationships with biological family per se; if anything, it's about making your own choices and being able to support yourself while possessing awareness of ripple effects and larger-scale rules & regulations.

 

How do you know that any given person will regret not maintaining a relationship with a biological parent? You don't. Some will later come around to being remorseful, others will have been detached to the point where it's as if something happened to an stranger.

 

I agree with a parent's right to be proud of their children irrespective of physical presence.

However, two different definitions are at play here. The definition of "proud" you're referring to is:

"feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable.." in which case you would use an "of" to indicate you are satisfied with someone or happy for them.

 

However, the definition implied by MissTrudy's description of her father's attitude is:

"having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority."

 

Major difference; proudness is, at best, distantly related to care. Saying you're proud of someone (as the father has) and being proud of someone are often two distinct phenomena.

 

There is a biological and spiritual context to family; you are correct regarding the biological context.

In the spiritual context, family is made, not predetermined. The people who "are important to her, who she knows love her, that she wants to be with? These comprise her spiritual family. Spiritual family and biological family can overlap, as exemplified by her mother, but she clearly doesn't consider her father family in the spiritual context.

 

Yes, her father is a person, but so was Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Charles Manson, and a number of others associated with atrocious acts.

Not to mention the countless numbers of other abusive/negligent biological parents out there in the world; those would be referred to as sperm/egg banks.

"Person" or "human being" comprises a vast fluid spectrum of actions and attitudes, from atrocious acts against others to people who save lives (such as firefighters) and pursue justice for the oppressed (such as Martin Luther King Jr.), with most somewhere in between.

Being a person doesn't automatically entitle someone to moral high ground or relationships he didn't earn.

 

However, should she ultimately decided to give him another chance, I agree with keeping it casual, such as a lunch setting, and starting slow, to say the least.

 

**

 

Lacey87:

Should MissTrudy decide to give him another chance, I agree with that approach, as well as expressing to him how she feels, whether in a letter or some other communication method.

However, I strongly disagree with the "blood is thicker than water" mentality. A biological father is someone who contributes to your genetic code. That's it. Giving someone life doesn't automatically make one an authentic parental figure.

 

***

 

MissTrudy:

Interesting facts:

> Famous examples of people estranged from the biological father include: Shaquille O'Neal, LeBron James, Colin Kaepernick, Lil' Wayne, and Adele.

In all of these cases, the biological father was either never present from the start or abandoned the child at a very early age.

 

> Lil' Wayne was not always known as Wayne; he modified his name so that his biological father's name would no longer be attached to his identity. I plan to do the same at some point.

 

 

You're in good company. I've been where you are, felt the fear, guilt & depression, and ultimately made it through such dilemmas; I don't consider you a bad person.

Edited August 16, 2014 by sunrise24

[Lacey87]

 

Lacey87:

Should MissTrudy decide to give him another chance, I agree with that approach, as well as expressing to him how she feels, whether in a letter or some other communication method.

However, I strongly disagree with the "blood is thicker than water" mentality. A biological father is someone who contributes to your genetic code. That's it. Giving someone life doesn't automatically make one an authentic parental figure.

 

my ex boyfriend lives a happy and fulfilled life without his biological father, he has seen him twice in the past 15 years and always for legal issues. So I completely agree that someone can be happy without his/her biological father.

 

But I also know the struggle required by keeping far away someone you're actually someway bond with. Sometimes parents don't know how to deal with their own issues and I just think that giving a father a chance to learn how to "father" (if it doesn't affect her of course, she doesn't owe him anything) sometimes can lead to results.

 

I see a lack of communication between her and her father, I think that at least speaking her mind might make everything clearer, for the both of them

 

My father was very close to me when I was a child and being OCD he planted the seeds of my anxiety disorder and taught me to cope with food or alcohol, and then he completely vanished telling me I disappointed him because I was a dumb girl for not being his copycat, and leaving me and my mother alone to deal with all the mess he left behind. I rebuilt the relationship because I felt guilty (yeah I'm messed up) but to me he is less than nothing. I just keep an eye on him so he doesn't fall into alcoholism again and try to be there for him, but I developed an emotional detachment that allows me not to care about his opinions or beliefs. I have a father, but I don't have one, at the same time.

 

I strongly believe a father can be a dangerous and negative presence in your life, but I also think that you should always make everything clear before a definitive cut.