Need to vent or I'll go crazy

[Justm3x]

Found out that my partner of seven years was cheating on me, I asked him so many times " are you seeing someone else" .... the reply was the same everytime NO.

 

Ive spent 7 years in turmoil getting over an operation that went wrong and almost cost me my life, leaving me disabled and with mental health issues, depression, PTSD, anxiety and the list goes on. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia about a year ago but i was getting on top of it. My partner was there in the beginning of all my turmoil and through thick and thin, stuck with me even though his was never the best partner. Gambling addiction, drinking and a whole load of lies that come with being an addict. But he was kind and caring and at first I accepted his faults but I got him helped with GA meetings because I loved him. In his words I saved his life, he was in the gutter when i met him.

 

He worked away from home a lot being a civil engineer... He was working in Bermuda when i met him, after 6 months constant talking we eventually met in the UK while he was over and we hit it off straight away, not the best looking man but a nice one. 3 months later he missed me so much he decided to give up working overseas and live in the UK with me and it was great for the first few years.. so i thought.

 

So 7 years later he accepts a job in the Caribbean again and the phone calls and skype get shorter and shorter, my illness has been taking a battering but no caring words from him, just " anyway I must go, things to do"..... yes now i know what the thing to do were... Speaking to the new girlfriend!! which i found out about later. I asked him if things were ok and he was off with me and so like so many times in our 7 year relationship i tested him and gave him a way out and he took the bait, he took the way out and cut ties with me straight away, no email, no text, no call, nothing after 7 years I was treated like a piece of crap. Low and behold 3 weeks later there she is in St kitts with him, photos on his viber gave it away.... 3 weeks after he stopped talking to me she was there..... made me so angry that he was always one step ahead of me, but i shouldnt have been surprised that was addicts do.

 

I later discovered that he had been having an affair for about 7 months before leaving.... with a woman who did know about me I might add. Ironically she works for Leonard Cheshire Disability, what a caring person knowing full well the person you are having an affair with has a partner with disabilities and mental health issues and you do this. What a great ambassador for the company she is and her moto is " people break up all the time so f**k" nice, very nice.

 

I know im better off without the lying cheating gambling drunken slob, but it hurt to find out that after everything we had been through he did this.

 

So why would you START a relationship with a man who is living in another country, only seeing him a few times a year??????? that's the question I would like you lovely people to answer for me, because i cant see the answer.

 

Thanks for reading my rant

Edited August 16, 2014 by Justm3x

[No Limit]

For validation and sex I guess. Kinda sad when women have no options other than options like those.

[smackie9]

It is what it is, you make your choices in life, you learn from them, you move on.

[Justm3x]

It is what it is............ its exactly what he was saying to me while he was lying to me......

[smackie9]

It is what it is............ its exactly what he was saying to me while he was lying to me......

 

It's over, there is nothing you can do, time to let the anger go and heal.

 

We never know what life will deal out for us. With relationships there are no guarantees, especially when they come with baggage, you take your chances, whatever happens, it can be positive or negative we can never predict the outcome.

 

I dated a guy for 5 years, we had big plans. The last 3 months of our relationship went like this: he smashed up my car, had to go on strike so he decided to not find other work but instead fenced stolen goods, then got into doing coke, I busted him lying to me about him selling coke. I walked away as fast as I could. I moved on even when I had to pay the increase on my car insurance every 6 months for the next 6 years.

[smackie9]

Oh and to boot two years previous to that he cheated on me, broke up with me didn't tell me why so I was left in the dark for weeks because he was too much of a frickin coward. And stupid me took him back for another two years. I blame myself for my choice, I took my chances and got what I got. So glad I never married the dip sh it.

[Justm3x]

Your so right..... i know he'll do the same to the new woman, she knows all about him and she's still happy to have the holidays a few times a year to see him. I think he's met a female version of himself a match made in heaven. Its just so hard getting my head round the whole thing. its the lies i cant handle, how someone can be so brutal and vile.

 

Luckily i never got financially involved with him because of his gambling, reading his ex wife's email saying how he left her with no money for food to feed herself and their 3 year old child she had to sell her jewellery to get a flight back to the UK. I should never have wasted 7 years of my life.

[No Limit]

At least his ex gave you a fair warning, not many would have warned you about what you're about to get into. And some, like the OW in this case and many others, are just blind to the truth and will fall on their noses a couple of years later.

 

Yes, people are perfectly capable of lying, especially when they're scared sh !tless. You should consider it more like, the lock around your cages' door falling off than a loss.

[HappyLove]

"reading his ex wife's email saying how he left her with no money for food to feed herself and their 3 year old child she had to sell her jewellery to get a flight back to the UK."

 

This is why red flags in the beginning are so IMPORTANT! Ignore them and you end up falling in love with a LOSER!

[Leaving]

What a sad story:( you have been through a lot in the last seven years and it's even sadder that person you love could be so mean and hurtful just throw away 7 years for a new fling.Life is going to get better for you and right now you'll probably feeling the opposite but it does.Myself I have been through a lot in my life and from all that pain and struggle i've emerged on top and in control of my life

 

BTW

 

Loveshacked help me a lot There're great people on here with good advice that's going to help you as well

 

 

 

 

So why would you START a relationship with a man who is living in another country, only seeing him a few times a year??????? that's the question I would like you lovely people to answer for me, because i cant see the answer.

 

 

I Guessing you're in love and being in love clouded your reasoning

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you've been through so much and continue to just struggle and now this. It's no surprise when men bail, really. As you said, he's got his own laundry list of problems and not really the best candidate to be a loyal and responsible mate.

 

If I were you, I'd report that disability tart just to make myself feel better. What's she doing, using the disabled pool to score men? Grrrr. Well, he'll eventually get what he deserves. And you deserve better. Honestly, you'd be better off with no one than another one like him, so don't get in a hurry. Spend some time with yourself and without the stress of him and see if that alone doesn't make you feel a little better before you even think about dating. At least one thing I think I know about you is that because of your struggles, you will be able to put this into perspective. You have bigger fish to fry than to waste any more time with this guy.

[Justm3x]

Thank you guys..... I'm so glad I found this site, its been tearing me up inside with no one to talk to. I cant talk to friends and family because " oh just snap out of it" isn't really something i want to hear all the time. Every waking moment all i think about is how i was betrayed and how can i get even.... I know its not the thing to do but it makes me feel better thinking it.

 

I used to be a fraud investigation officer and I started digging and i knew something wasn't right and I had a feeling it was this woman... I became a catfish, made friends with her on FB and when i saw her FB page it told me everything i needed to know, but surprisingly no pictures of him. So i decided to test him and I text him telling him i was flying out to St kitts and we needed to talk face to face and he went wild.. from months of no contact, my phone was red hot, nasty aggressive messages coming through thick and fast. At one point I had to threaten him with the police.

 

So I continued talking to her for a few days and still unbeknown to her she told me all the sordid affair. The funny thing was I was chatting to her on FB and texting him at the same time and he was still denying seeing anyone..... UNTIL i copied all the messages between me and her and sent them and surprise surprise the calls, text, emails all stopped from that moment on.

 

The funny thing is even after I ( or I should say my catfish BRAD) I told her about him, she said she knew everything about him, the gambling, cheating, drinking and still she would give him a chance. BUT she did keep messaging my Brad FB account, she has no idea its ME, so I did eventually see sense and blocked her from that account, I had found out what I wanted to find out and there was no point in beating myself up looking at her FB page all day every day.

 

I know the other woman wont last, 40 years old never been married no kids and her idea of marriage, kids and house is pure hell... the monotony of routine bores her ****less.... so i can only think that she would start a relationship with someone who has now moved overseas is " CHEAP HOLIDAYS in the Caribbean "...... and the fact she doesn't have to cook, clean and wash his dirty laundry is obviously appealing to her and the fact he is the biggest bull****ter ive ever heard, he must have promised her the world.

 

Reading some of your stories on here and knowing im not alone makes me feel supported... and im so grateful of that... THANK YOU

[No Limit]

Whoa, sounds like that OW is in for a tough ride.

[Justm3x]

No ..... she isnt, im done now. I did what i had to do, found out what i wanted to to know, so thats it.

[preraph]

You got the whole story and it isn't pretty, so now it will be easier to let him go. He'll probably just slide downhill from here. Reconnect with any supportive friends or just go do things you love to do and stay busy for awhile. Traveling is always good to clear the brain, too, seeing a new place.

[smackie9]

I agree no one deserves to be lied to, it is cruel. Lying is a cowards way out, so good riddance.

 

As for the OW, I guarantee she probably thinks she is so special that things will be different, and he won't pull the same s hit as he did on you. Hah she's in for a surprise. A leopard never changes it's spots as they say.

[Justm3x]

Your so right.... its not just her in for a shock but he will too. Her attitude to life is very much " Couldnt care less and it is what it is " She knew i was disabled and she callously asked why i was getting so upset that he was seeing someone else, she said people break up all the time, its no big deal without knowing what i'd been through and how splitting up with him has affected my life after 7 years, such a b itch...... BUT she will never see the real him because she will only get to see him 3 or maybe 4 times a year. He is a real actor and can portray a caring, loving man and as i said before why would she pursue a relationship with someone in a different country and only see them a few times a year, it doesn't make sense..

Edited August 17, 2014 by Justm3x

[HappyLove]

"as i said before why would she pursue a relationship with someone in a different country and only see them a few times a year, it doesn't make sense.."

 

Who cares really! What you need to be working on is why you accepted someone so toxic in your life. Why did you continue with him after his ex told you he left his babies hungry. Work on yourself so you don't accept less than you deserve in the future.

[smackie9]

I agree it's time to know your self worth and put yourself and your expectations first! If they don't like it then to hell with them. There are compassionate men out there that respect women and I'm sure there is one out there for you.

Edited August 17, 2014 by smackie9

[Justm3x]

I accepted him into my life before i read the emails from his ex wife.... after reading them i thought, like many other women would have, he would change, his new girlfriend is probably thinking the same.

 

He was full of remorse at the time and i believed him. He was in the gutter when i met him. Hard gambler and drinker and i suppose i felt sorry for him and wanted to help him get back on track, which he did for a few years. I got him in gamblers anon and he was doing well, but once a gambler always a gambler and with any addict comes the lies..... it has taught me a very hard lesson and i am going to find it hard trusting any man if im honest.

[smackie9]

Just stop yourself if you feel they need fixing. I understand everyone has some kind of baggage, BUT if you feel they could use rescuing, run the f uck away. There is no fixing someone with your love. Relationships only work if you both are equals. Never take on someone's problems, you will only lose yourself in their crap.

[Justm3x]

I know I'm to blame... I was in a vulnerable place, I has just spend 4 months in hospital fighting for my life.. I had gone from a confident happy person to a shadow of my former self. I wasn't able to do much for myself I was left with horrific injuries due to a surgeons error and everytime I looked at my body I was thinking who the hell will ever want to go out with me. At the time he was a safe option because he didn't care how mr stomach looked or that i needed help.

 

I have made small steps to getting back to how I was and I'm going to get the surgery that I know will make me feel better about myself... I'm doing it for me not him.

[smackie9]

Why wasn't counseling offered to you?? I know surgery is risky, and a friend of mine had gone through a surgery that went bad and had to deal with a disfigurement which made him even more conscientious about his body, poor thing. Maybe seeking out a support group that has experienced the same thing you have would help. It can give you a real boost to getting yourself back sharing your story with others. Or seek out a life coach to help you focus on your goals.

[Leaving]

I know I'm to blame... I was in a vulnerable place, I has just spend 4 months in hospital fighting for my life.. I had gone from a confident happy person to a shadow of my former self. I wasn't able to do much for myself I was left with horrific injuries due to a surgeons error and everytime I looked at my body I was thinking who the hell will ever want to go out with me. At the time he was a safe option because he didn't care how mr stomach looked or that i needed help.

 

I have made small steps to getting back to how I was and I'm going to get the surgery that I know will make me feel better about myself... I'm doing it for me not him.

 

You wasn't to blame so stop telling your self that

[Justm3x]

I did see a cousellor for the first few years but now seeing phycologists.. It has helped and I'm making small steps..... I have to love myself before I can love someone else is my mantra and I know now getting rid of the thing that torments me everyday is the only way to move on and that's to have the surgery.... In fact its exactly 8 years ago today it all happened.