a view from the other side.

[James-London]

Hi All,

 

Well, I have not been on this forum for quite some time, but it did really help when I was at my highest crisis points. There seems to be not so many people posting on here sometime after they have their infidelity experience, so I thought it might be useful/informative to share what it is like for me 1 year after the event.

 

So, my ex-GF cheated on me. The details of all of this are not so important (although you can read my previous threads if you’re curious). Suffice to say, that I was with her for about 1 year until I first found out about her cheating in August 2013. Since then we never got back together, but there have been lots of emails, phone calls and a few meetings where I have been desperately trying to get to the truth of what exactly happened. In brief - she kept this guy in the background during almost the entirety of our relationship. She definitely had a crush on this guy although she felt he was not a realistic prospect as he did not seem to want a serious relationship with her. At the same time, I DID WANT a serious relationship with her, but she never really made much effort to open up or be affectionate with me.

 

Until maybe a few months back, I was telling everyone I knew (or even half-knew) all the stories of how outrageously she behaved, and how I was doing everything to support and love her. Then I spoke to one old friend and she said that I was actually in a fortunate position!! She told me of a story of her friend whose GF cheated on him too. However, when this guy found out, the GF did everything she could to win him back. She brought him presents, she expressed genuine remorse, she tried to address her own issues, and the guy she had the affair with totally disappeared from her life.

 

My friend that this was a real dilemma as to whether this girl deserved another chance.... But in my case, my ex-GF did nothing to deserve another chance, so the decision was really very simple! My ex-GF was remorseful that I found out and got hurt, but she did not really regret seeing him behind my back. That is something she wanted to do. She just regrets getting caught and causing me hurt.

 

There will probably be lots of people who will say that it does not matter what a cheating partner does to try to prove they deserved another chance. Once they cheat - it is basically “game over”, whatever they do next. Well, I can understand that perspective too, especially if the cheating partner knew that this was the deal before they cheated. However, I would just say that people cheat for a whole range of different reasons, and sometimes they do not realise the value of what they destroyed until after they get caught.

 

There are many "reasons" why people cheat, but I would stress that I don't think any of these reasons are justifications or excuses. But I would say that when a person cheats it is often not a rationally thought through decision. They do not consider the affair victim's feelings on this because they are caught up in their own emotions, not necessarily because they do not care about their affair victim. But - yes, it is still selfish and still totally wrong. In my case, it was only after several months of me trying to get to the truth that my ex-GF finally looked at things from my perspective and started to feel genuine remorse.

 

So - I guess my message here is that cheating can happen due to immaturity, naivety, loneliness, boredom, feeling disconnected with your partner, finding someone else, or many other reasons. Usually, all these feelings were not expressed to the affair victim before the affair was discovered. After the affair is discovered, it may be possible to even build something stronger.... However, what I think is absolutely necessary is that the person having the affair can really take responsibility for what they did (and not blame-shift), show genuine remorse (and not just remorse for getting caught), immediately remove the other person (and not suggest that this person is important for their life), and take actions (and not just words) to prove they deserve another chance.

 

…. but anyway…. Where I am at now, is that I have some perspective on my experience. I can see that my ex-GF was just not committing or investing in the relationship in the same way that I was doing. So, after she got caught, she did not really take responsibility for her actions or fight to get me back. She did not even want to remove the other guy from her life!! She basically had a crush on him, and that is fine - it is really nobody's fault.

 

Despite everything that happened, my ex-GF still wanted to be with me, and she was very upset when I found out and wanted to leave her. But she knew in her heart that she did not deserve a relationship with me. I could spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself and never have another relationship. But I don’t think that is really empowering. Instead, I have been looking at myself to try to work out how to better protect myself in the future. I have come up with some thoughts:

 

1. Take a step back and ask why you are with each other. What do you like about each other? How do you support each other? In my case, my ex-GF was extremely insecure and lonely and we both had a troubled family history. These were all terrible reasons to be with someone!

 

2. Take a step back and ask who is investing, committing and sacrificing in the relationship. This is basically about the power dynamic. In my case, she was not really putting that much in at all. She did not really value the relationship until after I caught her cheating and she got scared of losing me.

 

3. Take a step back and ask what is important for you, and whether you are getting that. For me, I needed someone who would be supportive and loving and affectionate, and who I could look after at the same time. It sounds like pretty basic stuff, but I got none of that with her.

 

4. Can you communicate openly and honestly? In my relationship, she just wanted to avoid problems and run away from any difficult issues. In the future, I will never, ever invest my time in a girl who does not value good communication.

 

Anyway…. so there you have it. This has probably been my most painful life experience so far, but I hope I have learned something from it. I may even be able to apply this to relationships generally, and not just romantic relationships.

 

Even after all this time, I am still a quite messed up by what happened. Even though all my reasons for not being with her seem to make sense, I still walk down the street and ask myself: “how could she do this to me????”. How could she say she loves me and we could be planning our first holiday together, and then she turns around and sleeps with this guy in August 2013? I suppose the answer is just that she was never that serious about me, and she was interested in the other guy. She knew it was wrong, but she never thought she would get caught…. There are probably more times she cheated too that I don’t know about, but I need to just let that go. Maybe if I can find someone else, all of this will no longer matter to me. Who knows.

 

I’m afraid this has been more of a rant than some concise advise to people at the highest crisis point. I guess, I can just say that you do get better. The pain goes down. If you are not functional now, then that’s OK. You will become functional again in time…. I’m afraid that you may end of a little scarred by this (I have been), but these scars will make you stronger at the same time.

 

All best,

 

James.

[veryhappy]

Thank you for writing an update - you are right people usually just disappear and it's good to have a follow up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are highly articulate and aware about feelings and what you want. I am sure you will find the right fit woman that will offer you a great future together.

[tnimbus]

Sometimes the greatest lessons in life are the hardest ones to get through. The gift of clarity about what you really want is priceless though. Keep swimming, you're almost at the shore of the other side.