sam98 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) So long story short, MM and I had a thing for 2 years. I can't even believe it as I type that. Anyways, part of the reason is b/c we worked in the same office and work in the city where there are just bars on top of bars outside our office. We have office happy hours 2-3x a week. So you can guess how those happy hours ended for the last 2 years. I wanted out and thankfully he got a job in the suburbs a month ago and is no longer in my face tempting me - or so I thought... He is in a much higher level now and pretty much offered me a job at his company with a significant salary increase. I am attracted to him and I dont think the burbs would offer any opportunities for happy hours b/c of driving responsibilities. I am tempted but at the same time I still feel like maybe I still need to stay away. Career-wise it would be a good move and financially it's a no brainer. He is the only thing stopping me. What do I do? Take the job and be professional (no after work drinking) or run for the hills? Edited August 16, 2014 by sam98 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Take the job and no during-work personal contact, after-business drinking or any form of connection that is not work related, at all. If you don't believe you are capable of maintaining this relationship on a uniquely and purely business level, then run for the hills. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zeurich Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 accept your job , move on , find a lover out side of the work,, I know many end up with big humiliations at work due to personal contacts mean very closed ones. So move on don't let him to be a disturbance. Good Luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 ... Would he be your supervisor, directly or indirectly, at the new company? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sam98 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 ... Would he be your supervisor, directly or indirectly, at the new company? Indirectly. He would be my boss's boss. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 It's not really a job he's offering - it's paying you more to be his OW still. Saying no says a clear message that you aren't interested in being his OW. If it were me, and my intentions were to not be his OW - then the only answer to his offer would be no. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sam98 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 It's not really a job he's offering - it's paying you more to be his OW still. Saying no says a clear message that you aren't interested in being his OW. If it were me, and my intentions were to not be his OW - then the only answer to his offer would be no. Yeah I get that. It's like paying me to stay in his life. Because right now we are so far apart he has no control over it anymore. The only reason I am even considering is b/c I have no desire to start anything back up with him, the attraction is there but my mind is made up. Also b/c it's in the suburbs, and there is just no opportunity should I ever have a weak moment. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 You need to consider what his reaction would be if you take up his job offer but then don't restart the affair. If the latter is his motivation for the job offer, you may find yourself out of a job. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 But if you say yes - you do understand you're also saying yes to being his OW? He's offering it to you because he wants the sex. Taking the job and not giving the sex will make him an angry guy to work with. You accept the money but not the full role you're hired to provide. Stay where you are or find another job - move even, without allowing him to know. This is your chance to break free from being his OW. Please don't blow it by taking his crappy offer, no amount of money is worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Yeah I get that. It's like paying me to stay in his life. Because right now we are so far apart he has no control over it anymore. The only reason I am even considering is b/c I have no desire to start anything back up with him, the attraction is there but my mind is made up. Also b/c it's in the suburbs, and there is just no opportunity should I ever have a weak moment. DO NOT take the job. Big mistake if you do and I think you'll regret it as time goes on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Stay where you are or find another job - move even, without allowing him to know. ^ ^ ^ THIS ^ ^ ^ I wouldn't take this job for any amount of money. He *is* paying you to stay his sex partner. Treat yourself better than that and move on... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Yeah I get that. It's like paying me to stay in his life. Because right now we are so far apart he has no control over it anymore. The only reason I am even considering is b/c I have no desire to start anything back up with him, the attraction is there but my mind is made up. Also b/c it's in the suburbs, and there is just no opportunity should I ever have a weak moment. There will be opportunity, even in the suburbs. Don't think external circumstances will protect you from what you call your weak moments. If you don't want to have an affair, that is something you need to control, as you can't rely on external circumstances to prevent you from having an affair. From your response, I get the impression you are still susceptible. That is why you are hesitating - which is a good reaction. What would you need to do to ensure you don't restart the A when you are in contact and given opportunities to? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Yeah I get that. It's like paying me to stay in his life. Because right now we are so far apart he has no control over it anymore. The only reason I am even considering is b/c I have no desire to start anything back up with him, the attraction is there but my mind is made up. Also b/c it's in the suburbs, and there is just no opportunity should I ever have a weak moment. Just because your mind is made up doesn't mean that he will agree. Offering you the job is one thing, but letting you keep it if you refuse to do the job he's hiring you for is another. Seriously, ask yourself why a MM would bother recruiting his former mistress for a subordinate position at a new job? I mean, it's not as though jobs are hard to fill. Either you are very naive or you aren't as reluctant about continuing the affair as you want us to believe. My advice--stay away from married men & co-workers and you will have a much happier life. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 The job is not what he's offered. It's being his OW that he's offered. Simply saying NO sends a very clear message. He can hire ANYONE! He's asked you because he wants sex outside of his M. Don't sell your soul to the devil for his dirty money!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Would you take the job if MM wasn't a factor? Are you qualified? Are you a single OW? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 I think a lot of the "learning" that waywards and 'others' experience after being involved with an affair is to have better boundaries. Going back to work with your AP seems like a major step in the wrong direction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sam98 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Thanks everyone! I agree it's much better to just stay the hell away. I also just got notice that I likely have another offer on the table with a different company! Somebody is looking out for me!! So this isn't really an issue anymore 6 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Yeah I get that. It's like paying me to stay in his life. Because right now we are so far apart he has no control over it anymore. The only reason I am even considering is b/c I have no desire to start anything back up with him, the attraction is there but my mind is made up. Also b/c it's in the suburbs, and there is just no opportunity should I ever have a weak moment. Yes, because people in the suburbs never have affairs. Bad idea to accept especially because you say the attraction is still there. Proximity and communication will fan that in no time. IF you do, however, and IF you really don't want to reprise your role as OW, then be brutally blunt and tell him you'd love the job but want his assurance it's no strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 You need to consider what his reaction would be if you take up his job offer but then don't restart the affair. If the latter is his motivation for the job offer, you may find yourself out of a job. That would be my concern. I just can't mix business with pleasure and wouldn't want any weird power imbalance because he has false expectations or worse somehow end up back in the affair with him. I'd pass on it. Other opportunities exist outside of working for your former MM. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Thanks everyone! I agree it's much better to just stay the hell away. I also just got notice that I likely have another offer on the table with a different company! Somebody is looking out for me!! So this isn't really an issue anymore Yay!!! That's great news!!! It would be great if you could cease all communication with the MM - that way it creates space for an available man! Yay for change! For what it's worth - I think his "offer" isn't about the job and/or money. IF you took the job - there's a silent agreement to you provide him with what he needs from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 One thing that struck me in reading your original post (even the title of your thread) is that you seem to feel like outside forces caused you to sort of passively 'drift' into this affair and that you aren't really taking responsibility for the decisions you made to enter into it. That would be a concern if you do end up taking this job (or even in another similar situation with another MM coworker). The fact that outside your office there are endless bars isn't what made you have an affair. No one held you at gunpoint and forced you to go into those bars and interact with him in such a way that led to the A. (For future reference: Alcohol + Married coworkers of the opposite gender = Trouble). Also, as someone else pointed out, the lack of bars in suburbia will not stop you from having an affair. If you count on external characteristics like that, you may find yourself in trouble in the future. People in the suburbs have affairs all the time. I notice you said that this guy "pretty much" offered you a job. Did you offer you a job formally or didn't he? Or did he just sort of dangle the offer in front of you for obvious reasons? These are all things that are critical to think about if you should further consider this, in my opinion. And critical to think about for the future in general. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
txgrl Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 If I was in a position to hire someone for a position and xAP was the ONLy person on the face of this earth qualified to do that job , I would still not offer it to him . You know why he's offering it and he knows why, what's there to think about? Stop making excuses . People have had affairs in war zones, why can't you two have one in the suburbia? Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Yeah I get that. It's like paying me to stay in his life. Because right now we are so far apart he has no control over it anymore. The only reason I am even considering is b/c I have no desire to start anything back up with him, the attraction is there but my mind is made up. Also b/c it's in the suburbs, and there is just no opportunity should I ever have a weak moment. You really don't think alcohol is available in the suburbs? And you keep implying that you ONLY had an affair because of happy hour? Can I ask how old you are? Own your behavior and choices. Stop making excuses such as alcohol made me do it. Do you think people don't know of the workplace affair? Is that how you want to be know - the girl who sleeps with the boss? Affairs don't just happen. They are calculated and intentional acts. My advice is to not take his "job" offer and going forward, don't have affairs with married men and/or people in the workplace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 The hills. This is not a good idea and you know it and that's why you are asking about it here. The opening is for mistress, not for whatever it is. Your life may become a nightmare if you accept. Just let him go out of your life, it's for the better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 (edited) "He is in a much higher level now and pretty much offered me a job at his company with a significant salary increase." if you really believe this is a good idea, you need to have your head examined. wouldn't you like to know you got the/a job based on merit- your performance, rather than the nature of the relationship you have with someone. just sayin'. you take this job and your whole life will revolve around this man. is that what you really want? get out while you still can. Edited August 17, 2014 by Artie Lang 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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