Pain of a past break up resurfaced

[Bishop556]

I felt like I was over my heartache, I really did. I felt happy, healthy, and hopeful for my future. I felt that I had a new foundation on life, one that was focused on allowing happiness into my life, not just fulfilling the expectations of others. I felt alive again.

 

However, the last couple of days I saw a picture of my ex in a car with her friends. All the feelings of being broken up returned, but I knew it was a fleeting feeling that soon pass. It still is ringing in my head and I can't seem to let go of the past memories I had with her and the pain we both caused to each other. I do not know if she ever acknowledged how much pain she put me through. It's incredibly difficult to look at yourself and admit that you are capable of inducing pain to another. I'm equally at fault as well, and have done pretty nasty things to my ex. No excuse should ever be used as it nullifies the full extent of honesty you should have for yourself and for another.

 

I guess I just feel lonely. I have plenty of sexual partners, a few better in bed than my ex, but it doesn't satisfy the emotional connection I wish I had for someone. I guess what I really want is love from another. How does one cope through these feelings?

[54JA]

It's not easy, I know. My philosophy on this is that you have to first learn to be content being by yourself/being your own best friend. It's easier said than done, and I don't practice what I preach, unfortunately. But I did try.

 

I know this is easy for me to say this, because I am in a stable LTR with a great guy now,, but I did go through a break up after which I felt this tremendous loneliness and longing for someone to love me. This was years ago, but even then, I subscribed to my current belief in the importance of being content alone. I met my current boyfriend 1.5 year after the break up with the ex of 4.5 years. During that 1.5 year period, I went through ups and downs. First a rebound hook up, which accomplished nothing. Then a few disappointing dates. They were disappointing because I kept comparing them to my ex, not that my ex was all that great looking or anything. I just did, and felt even worse. In a nutshell, I was not ready to date at all. Then I finally began to implement the actions which I hoped achieve the idea of "contentment with being single." I read this somewhere that, you really aren't ready for a new relationship unless you experience a period of happiness being single. Once you have learned to be happy on your own, you have so much to give. You are ready for a relationship simply because you want to share your life, and NOT because you are trying to have someone fulfill the void.

 

I began to pay attention to the small things that made me happy. I think this really depends on people in that, some make a drastic change in their lives (e.g., move to a different country), but I knew I couldn't and it wasn't for me. It feels ridiculous at first, like appreciating something so small like a sight of a cute puppy. But I fought my inner voice that said "this tiny joy wouldn't do. This is not big enough to take away my sadness," and try to accept that it brought me a joy for a moment. It was a change in habit that started really small, acknowledging that life is a collection of tiny moments. I knew that instant gratification is just that-- instant. It will disappear quickly as it came, like guys who were willing to take me out and be in a relationship with me. So I focused on filling my life with small moments of joy from reliable sources (me and my discoveries). In time, I sort of gave up on finding that long-awaited soul mate that can fill a void. I became OK and the pain became manageable. Before I had a chance to be completely content with myself, I met my current boyfriend...(So I never actually had the chance to live up to my own belief....)

 

Another thing that helped me was to re-evaluate how much of my longing for that "soul mate" was being influenced by societal expectation. I feel that still in our society, there is the perception that single people are somehow deficient/failure. Somehow, being married/having a SO was an important achievement that makes a person "superior" to single people. It know that this perception is changing, but still I realized that I was buying into this to some extent.

 

I'm sorry!! I probably went into something that is not very applicable to your situation. But it's a thought and a perspective. I hope you are doing better today.

[Reels]

Since everyone is different, I don't think that you will have same type of affection with anyone like you had for your ex.

[JDPT]

There are for the most part residual emotions that can still be triggered with very little external stimulation. And you know what? that's perfectly fine. If there was a switch to turn our past emotions "off" trust me I would have done it long ago. Pace yourself, and continue to diligently eradicate these external triggers, out of sight out of mind is only part of the process, continue to work on yourself.