How To Get Over All The Emotional Abuse Men Have Done To Me

[Georgia2014]

I've had nothing but bad relationships. All the men have been verbally abusive. For instance I have had weight loss surgery and lost close to 200 pounds and naturally I have the typical loose skin caused from rapid weight loss. My ex boyfriend would tell me how no man would want me due to my loose skin and due to my mental issue (I am bipolar but I have it under control with medication and therapy). He would say I am his last chance.

 

For those of you who have suffered verbal abuse from your ex how did you get past it so as not to ruin your next relationship?

[Minnie09]

I think taking a break from relationships and learning how to be self-sufficient and independent is a great step. It is very liberating to know you don't need a man, and all the negative statements that you have experienced and endured during your previous relationships will just fade, if you learn how to be happy with yourself. I don't know what your history is like, and maybe you're just someone who jumped from one R to the next, so it might be scary and lonely, and something you'll have to get used to, but taking a break and not needing anyone and not relying on anyone's opinion will be a HUGE step in the right direction.

Always easier said than done, of course, but that lesson - noone can take it from you, if you make an effort and if you've learned it well

Edited August 16, 2014 by Minnie09

[Georgia2014]

I think taking a break from relationships and learning how to be self-sufficient and independent is a great step. It is very liberating to know you don't need a man, and all the negative statements that you have experienced and endured during your previous relationships will just fade, if you learn how to be happy with yourself. I don't know what your history is like, and maybe you're just someone who jumped from one R to the next, so it might be scary and lonely, and something you'll have to get used to, but taking a break and not needing anyone and not relying on anyone's opinion will be a HUGE step in the right direction.

Always easier said than done, of course, but that lesson - noone can take it from you, if you make an effort and if you've learned it well

 

I am usually by myself 2-3 months when I end a relationship. I am happy with myself. Due to my exes it makes it harder for me to trust the next guy. For example I never believe anyone when they give me compliments. I always had a hard time believing compliments in the past but it got worse when my recent ex said he was trying to build me up which meant he never meant it when he said I am beautiful. He also had a bad view point on trying to build me up. For example if I said I drank 64 oz of water he would claimed to have drinked several gallons.

 

I am used to being alone and am not afraid of being by myself.

[Jewels7]

I've only ever been with people who treated me badly as well. Each time though it was exactly 3 months after a rough BU to my next relationship. You really need a lot longer than 3 months because you're definitely more likely to get in another bad relationship if you're not healed yet.

[todreaminblue]

to be with another guy after being abused you have to know all guys are not the same.....you just have to let them know early what you dont want to handle in a relationship if they disrespect you, you let them know they are disrespecting you....and hopefully they apologize and dont do it again....

 

 

if they continually repeat the same disrespect its time to consider which sneakers to put on when you walk out..dont put up with abuse by letting them know what you consider abuse to be, so, if they do something you class as abuse a second time they wont be surprised when you walk away.......deb

[bathtub-row]

Well the upside is that at this stage of the game, you should be really good at spotting these guys very, very quickly. And if he happens to get past your radar and you actually date one again, have a game plan as to what you will do (i.e. dump him as fast as you can). Also, be very careful about sleeping with a guy too soon. One of the MOST common traits of an abuser is that he is very, very anxious to smooth talk you and get you into bed very quickly. Avoid this at all costs.

 

The way I think about things is the 1) not all men are abusive and 2) no matter what, no one owns me. Meaning that even if under the unlikely situation where I might find myself with one of these types of guys again, I can ALWAYS walk away.

 

The biggest factor in making sure you're never in a situation like that again is to raise your expectations of men. Instead of you trying to prove your worth to them, make them prove theirs to you. If a man doesn't already treat you like you're a jewel in his life, then there are no amount of words or great sex that will change that. Treat yourself with the upmost respect and you'll find that abusive men will no longer find themselves in your life. They'll know already that you won't put up with them and you'll stop attracting them.

 

Also, I would say this to any female, do not ever put yourself in a position where you depend on a man. Either have a lot of money in the bank, or have a job. Even if a guy says he wants to support you and he's rich, have something in writing stating that if the two of you split up, you will not be left high and dry. Not meaning that you take him for everything you can, but understand that when someone takes care of you, while that's nice, they're also taking you off the work market. That has a huge effect if you end up having to fend for yourself again.

Edited August 17, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Georgia2014]

Well the upside is that at this stage of the game, you should be really good at spotting these guys very, very quickly. And if he happens to get past your radar and you actually date one again, have a game plan as to what you will do (i.e. dump him as fast as you can). Also, be very careful about sleeping with a guy too soon. One of the MOST common traits of an abuser is that he is very, very anxious to smooth talk you and get you into bed very quickly. Avoid this at all costs.

 

The way I think about things is the 1) not all men are abusive and 2) no matter what, no one owns me. Meaning that even if under the unlikely situation where I might find myself with one of these types of guys again, I can ALWAYS walk away.

 

The biggest factor in making sure you're never in a situation like that again is to raise your expectations of men. Instead of you trying to prove your worth to them, make them prove theirs to you. If a man doesn't already treat you like you're a jewel in his life, then there are no amount of words or great sex that will change that. Treat yourself with the upmost respect and you'll find that abusive men will no longer find themselves in your life. They'll know already that you won't put up with them and you'll stop attracting them.

 

Also, I would say this to any female, do not ever put yourself in a position where you depend on a man. Either have a lot of money in the bank, or have a job. Even if a guy says he wants to support you and he's rich, have something in writing stating that if the two of you split up, you will not be left high and dry. Not meaning that you take him for everything you can, but understand that when someone takes care of you, while that's nice, they're also taking you off the work market. That has a huge effect if you end up having to fend for yourself again.

 

Thank you for the great advice. I do refuse to sleep with anyone too soon. I luckily don't have to worry about loosing income since I get a disability check. I will always have that no matter what.

 

I never thought if them having to prove their worth. That is great advice. I am going to make their actions match their words. My ex was one that got under my radar. Usually I can spot a horrible person easily but he snuck under my radar.

 

I do also plan on getting away ASAP if that ever happens. Luckily my sister and her husband are highly respected cops and they would help me get away. All I would have to do is ask my brother in law and he would be there as soon as he could. I do actually need to talk to my brother in law about this so he will know if a should end up with another abuser I would need him ASAP if I told him that.

 

After all the abusers I have been with you are right I should noticed if I should happen to get with one.

 

Thank you again for your advice.

[bathtub-row]

You're welcome.

 

Abusive people are often easy to spot even if the abuse isn't directed at you. They're typically rude to waiters, yell at people on the phone, want things done their way, get angered easily over minor things, blame others, and have a very arrogant way of speaking. They're also extremely self-centered. The thing is, they can't hide their negative traits for very long. If you look back on your previous relationship, you'll probably realize that there were signs that you ignored. Just be sure to never ignore the red flags again. These people will rip your life to shreds.

 

Another thing to do is make sure your family and friends like the guy. No one in my family liked my ex -- my friends or family. I thought it was because they just didn't understand him. The truth is, they understood him all too well.

 

You can heal through this. One thing that I did after I left my abusive husband is that I kind of went quiet for about 6 mos. Meaning that I checked out from life, doing only the things that I had to do -- went to work, took care of my son, paid bills, etc. Everything else that I didn't want to do, I didn't. It was my way of letting myself heal emotionally. I just wanted peace and quiet in my life and I was determined to have it. I didn't let anyone put demands on me. It was really quite effective.

Edited August 18, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Georgia2014]

You're welcome.

 

Abusive people are often easy to spot even if the abuse isn't directed at you. They're typically rude to waiters, yell at people on the phone, want things done their way, get angered easily over minor things, blame others, and have a very arrogant way of speaking. They're also extremely self-centered. The thing is, they can't hide their negative traits for very long. If you look back on your previous relationship, you'll probably realize that there were signs that you ignored. Just be sure to never ignore the red flags again. These people will rip your life to shreds.

 

Another thing to do is make sure your family and friends like the guy. No one in my family liked my ex -- my friends or family. I thought it was because they just didn't understand him. The truth is, they understood him all too well.

 

You can heal through this. One thing that I did after I left my abusive husband is that I kind of went quiet for about 6 mos. Meaning that I checked out from life, doing only the things that I had to do -- went to work, took care of my son, paid bills, etc. Everything else that I didn't want to do, I didn't. It was my way of letting myself heal emotionally. I just wanted peace and quiet in my life and I was determined to have it. I didn't let anyone put demands on me. It was really quite effective.

 

I am sorry you were also in an abusive relationship. Ever since I've become single again I have done only what I want to. I like doing crafts so I do that while watching tv.

 

My family did not like my ex husband. They also didn't like my very abusive ex boyfriend and he didn't like them. You are right I will listen to them. The only ones I will listen to on this is my dad and step mom. My mom usually 95% of the time doesn't like any of the men her daughters are with. My dad and step mom only want me to be happy they are also smart and level headed. I didn't think about my family not liking the men I was with for a reason. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I just don't want to end up in another abusive relationship.