D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[Catfish]

i would not be "aggressive" per se. That is actually not alpha at all. I would just show a lack of emotional dependence on her and how that you don't *need* the relationship to work out. remember she can't really make it better without a time machine, so gratuitously telling her off could just be counter-productive.

 

maybe you were just in the rhythm of the marriage and it was a bit routine. But if she was content with you then that kind of routine would have been fine for her. Women look around for a mate and then all dream of settling down and raising a family. you were not doing anything wrong by your lack of romance or even alpha style - you were just thinking (with good reason) that she had settled with you.

 

you were totally wrong in this. she was not settled. She was looking around at other guys. You only know about 2. But you can bet she at least considered it with more guys. this "aggressive pursuit" from her boss/colleague does not show that he was great at getting women or just happened to push her buttons.... If she was satisfied with you, then it would not matter about his aggressive pursuit.

 

also, if you were doing specific things wrong in the relationship, then what exactly did she do in 2 years to improve things?? nothing.... i just don't think she was into you enough. her boss was just the guy in the right place at the right time.

 

You may be right about "Right Place/Right Time" but unlike many affairs this one Broke Workplace LAWS.

 

There are laws covering this conduct. It's a Big Employer Liability. The OM as a Workplace Authority Figure had a DUTY to say No. He didn't. There's a cost to playing this type of behavior.

 

Are you saying that Betrayed should bear this cost alone and let OM and the Employer get away for FREE?

[LivingWaterPlease]

betrayed and hurting, there is hope for your wife to change and for your marriage to be saved.

 

None of your wife's infidelity is because of your behavior in any way. You mention that you no longer chased her or and that you are not the alpha male at home, just at work. Those factors don't contribute to her cheating, at all.

 

She cheated because she is very broken; an obvious dysfunctional mess. And her manipulative behavior is also indicative of this.

 

I believe your wife needs counseling by a competent professional, yes, but that it'll take more than counseling to change her.

 

First of all, your wife needs consequences for her behavior. I believe you have implemented some. For instance, she can no longer wear her engagement ring or wedding band. There may be other consequences for her. I would think that you could work with a counselor in figuring out some. I'm not a professional counselor so although I have some ideas I wouldn't venture to make suggestions to you.

 

However, I do have a suggestion for you that would change everything in your marriage.

 

The following is a spiritual recommendation. I hesitate to offer this because so few people anymore believe the Bible is relevant or that it is the inspired word of God. And many don't even believe God exists. But, for those who do, it's a life changer. And would be in your situation.

 

Imho, your wife needs to be recreated in addition to the counseling and effort she puts forth.

 

I believe the only hope for your wife will be found in spiritual regeneration (being created again, or the new birth as it is sometimes referred to as) through God, who created her to begin with. And in daily association with Him through reading His word and talking with Him in prayer.

 

Very briefly:

 

Jeremiah 13:23 reads, "Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard his spots? Then may you also do good who are accustomed to doing evil."

 

Your wife has probably tried to change and has found she can't sustain a change by herself. It will take a miracle to change her.

 

When Jesus Christ walked this earth He performed many miracles, some of them were actually miracles of re-creation and of bringing the dead to life. I can give you examples and texts for this but in the interest of brevity won't at this point.

 

And Jesus healed a woman caught in adultery, in the very act. "All things are possible with God." Matt 19:26, Mark 9:23

 

You may know that there are four gospels in the New Testament, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

 

Miracles of Jesus Christ are recorded in all four gospels, but the miracles recorded in the last gospel, the gospel of John, are uniquely different than the miracles performed by Jesus in the first three gospels. Miracles in the first three gospels often included Jesus touching the person He healed.

 

But, in the gospel of John Jesus never touched a person that He healed. The reason for this is that Jesus knew He was soon to be crucified and His time on earth with His followers was drawing to a close. He wanted His followers to know that His word was as good as His touch. So that after He was gone it was still possible for miracles to occur.

 

OP, you and your wife need a miracle that only God can give you. You will find that miracle as you both read His word daily and ask Him to help you know Him through it.

 

If you do this, you will both be changed. Your wife will truly be a different person. In time the desire to cheat will leave her. But, she must do it from her heart and it must be her choice to do this.

 

And if you do this, you will be comforted and healed of the wounds perpetrated on you. It will take time for both of you, however, to be changed. But, you'll know it's happening and begin to get relief.

 

You can pray that she'll be moved to join you in doing so and God will hear and answer your prayer but that could take time. I don't know your wife's predisposition on spiritual matters.

 

This is your only hope for change with your wife. However, you'll end up with a phenomenal marriage if you both make the decision to accept God's Word daily into your lives.

 

Yes, you'll have triggers, but if you turn to God and His word when you have them, He'll heal you.

 

I'm telling you this from experience and also because I've seen God change countless lives and situations in this way.

 

However, "wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life and there are few who find it." Matthew 7;13,14 NKJV

 

The difficulty in going through the narrow gate is giving up the arrogance of believing there is anything we can do to save ourselves. Many societies and cultures today have long left belief in God's word in the dust, because you can't have your own way and God's way at the same time. So many would rather believe God doesn't exist, or that He is powerless to help.

 

But, God still lives and He still saves. In your case you need your marriage to be saved. God can do it. Not religion, or a minister. But, God Himself, as you both daily read His word and pray in order to know Him. As you do this, you will both be recreated into people of integrity and honor in every way.

 

My suggestion for reading the Bible if you are new to it is to focus your reading on the gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, the first four books in the New Testament.

 

God bless.

[James-London]

I think what the other James, Jame1989 says is sensible. If it is not obvious right now that leaving the wife is the right course of action, then this may become apparent later. It makes little difference in the long term if he leaves her today or in 6 months. And it would not be weak to wait 6 months to leave her....

 

However, I stand by what I say above about reviewing whether or not he and his wife are right for each other in the first place. it is a good time to step back and decided what they each want and need from life and each other. as i say above, i think very few people cheat because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. and they don't cheat usually because someone better comes along. usually, it is because of dissatisfaction with the person they are with.

 

Finally... Catfish - hi. I noted your comments re. employer liability, but didn't read your posts fully. Firstly, I don't know the law in the state you live in, but this issue is unlikely to be federal law, so will likely vary across the US. Secondly, I would be surprised if this was specifically against the law. It would likely be deemed gross misconduct and/or a breach of the code of conduct, which would be incorporated into the employment contract. I am familiar with UK law, but only US law in outline... so, I may well be wrong. Thirdly, the issue of more central concern here has got to be this poor airline captain whose life has just fallen apart, rather than some action that the OM may or may not be legally liable for.

[Bryanp]

I am not sure if you say my message since it was at the bottom of the page so I will repeat it. Am I wrong in my assessment?

 

You are in such a fog and denial it is amazing. Look at the facts:

1. Your wife is a serial cheater.

2. Your wife screwed this OM for 2 and 1/2 years behind your back as a booty call and made your marriage a farce and played you for a fool.

3. Your wife did not even bother to use any sort of protection which means she simply did not care if she put you at risk for transmitting any sexual transmitted diseases to you and put your health at risk.

4. Your wife had no problem having sex with her lover IN YOUR HOME. Symbolically this is an act of defecation on you and your marriage.

5. Since she was doing quick booty calls for this OM after work you know that there had to be times in 2 and 1/2 years that you had sex with her after she had been with him.

 

How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you?

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She is a serial cheater and a liar. I would suggest:

1. Get a polygraph on her to see if there were other men.

2. Get a DNA test on your children.

3. Both of you get tested for STD's at once.

 

Her actions show that she has very little respect for you or your marriage.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Certhoc]

Psychologists, therapists, pastors, ministers, priests, etc. do wonders. They'll be able to fix up your wife in no time so she can move past her childhood traumas and you can carry on having a perfect marriage. In 10 years, both of you will laugh about it and remember this second cheating episode as a little bump in the road.

 

"Hey, remember that time when I had emotionless sex with this guy for two years?" she'll ask as you are peacefully eating a warm dinner.

 

"Haha! Yeah! That was fun! All the anger and resentment, thoughts of divorce, me not being alpha, it was such an adrenaline rush!" you'll reply.

 

A happy marriage. Just hang on there and suck it up. Why throw such a good thing away? At the end, your kids will thank you for it, she will thank you for it, society will thank you for showing others a wayward wife cheats not because she wants to but because she has some unresolved issues. Issues that with a little help can turn any woman into a perfect wife.

 

As a warning, once you enter through the pearly gates of heaven, you might have to wait a bit for your wife since she'll have to spend some time in purgatory for being an adulteress according the faith you profess as a family (Catholic, right?) If you want to avoid this, look for a religion where cheating is not a sin.

 

OP, all of that was sarcasm. It seems that is the answer you are looking for. An answer that tells you everything will be ok. Such great advice falling on deaf ears.

 

Best of luck to you

[LivingWaterPlease]

You weren't a pushover and a doormat. Don't try to figure out what you did wrong to cause her to cheat because your behavior didn't cause her to cheat.

 

You are an alpha male to her as she knows of your career success and prowess. I don't know any women who want their husbands to push them around, even figuratively speaking.

 

You mention your wife is a submissive type. A submissive woman can respect a man who is kind to her. Your kindness and helpfulness at home in no way labels you a pushover or doormat.

 

From all you've written, you've been an excellent husband. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up for anything you deem to be less than perfect.

[James-London]

LivingWaterPlease - you sound like one of those people who don't believe in personal responsibility. he was a doormat and pushover. That was a mistake he made and he needs to own that. but i agree with you that this did not "caused her" to cheat.

 

nobody is saying he should "push around" anyone. that is totally non-alpha. but many women are attracted to dominant men. Fact. being helpful at home is fine. But many women need a man who can be in charge and take charge. his wife sounds like one of those.

 

also - regarding your long bible story post... for me, what happened to this poor guy is actually the best argument I have seen on here against the existence of God.

[Catfish]

I think what the other James, Jame1989 says is sensible. If it is not obvious right now that leaving the wife is the right course of action, then this may become apparent later. It makes little difference in the long term if he leaves her today or in 6 months. And it would not be weak to wait 6 months to leave her....

 

However, I stand by what I say above about reviewing whether or not he and his wife are right for each other in the first place. it is a good time to step back and decided what they each want and need from life and each other. as i say above, i think very few people cheat because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. and they don't cheat usually because someone better comes along. usually, it is because of dissatisfaction with the person they are with.

 

Finally... Catfish - hi. I noted your comments re. employer liability, but didn't read your posts fully. Firstly, I don't know the law in the state you live in, but this issue is unlikely to be federal law, so will likely vary across the US. Secondly, I would be surprised if this was specifically against the law. It would likely be deemed gross misconduct and/or a breach of the code of conduct, which would be incorporated into the employment contract. I am familiar with UK law, but only US law in outline... so, I may well be wrong. Thirdly, the issue of more central concern here has got to be this poor airline captain whose life has just fallen apart, rather than some action that the OM may or may not be legally liable for.

 

James, It's about Betrayed standing up and taking action for the wrong that was done to him and his wife. It's reasonable and appropriate.

 

Taking action and holding people accountable will right the wrong and will help Betrayed move on and deal with this. It's a positive step forward.

 

Know Your Rights: Workplace Sexual Harassment

 

 

Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination that violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Very generally, “sexual harassment” describes unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, or other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature. Title VII is a federal law that prohibits discrimination in employment on the basis of sex, race, color, national origin, and religion, and it applies to employers with 15 or more employees, including federal, state, and local governments.

 

Even with Title VII’s protections, many people across the country still face sexual harassment in their workplaces. This page offers basic information about sexual harassment and guidelines for next steps if you believe you may be experiencing sexual harassment at work.

[James-London]

Catfish - based on the definition you provide of sexual harassment, this was no case of sexual harassment. The wife admits that the attention was NOT UNWANTED. She wanted the attention, she enjoyed it. Not only did it happen in the workplace, but she invited him to her own home. I cannot see how it can be argued as "unwanted" sexual advances. Regarding sexual favours. Presumably, that means she was given some preferential treatment at work in return for sexual favours. There is no evidence of that from what I have seen. Although, the OP can correct me on that. Nor was it discrimination. She was not denied a promotion for being a woman, or anything else.

 

What we have here is a clear case of a consensual relationship between two adults. The fact that they were each married to other people is irrelevant.

 

That said, having sex on work premises is probably gross misconduct. Having a relationship with a colleague even outside of work is something that many employers do not approve of either. The employer may be able to sack the OM for this (and also the wife, if she was still employed there), but this is NO WAY a case of sex discrimination.

[James-London]

ps. it would also categorically not "right the wrong". litigation can be a good way to get money that you are legally entitled to, providing you are prepared to stomach the time, stress, expense and risk or losing. However, this is a case of an emotional wound caused by a cheating wife. The law has no remedy for that. It is not even against the law to cheat in the USA (although, interestingly, it is in many other countries in the world).

 

if he is looking for revenge against the OM, then he should approach the company and talk of gross misconduct. But he cannot claim his wife was sexually harassed because he would not have a leg to stand on. (trust me, I'm a lawyer).

[fellini]

i think very few people cheat because there is something fundamentally wrong with them. and they don't cheat usually because someone better comes along. usually, it is because of dissatisfaction with the person they are with.

 

I don't buy this. The huge number of remorseful BS's who turn around and claim they want to save their marriages does not bear this out.

 

They THINK their relationship isn't for THEM. They CHEAT, They get caught, they suddenly think their relationship is once again for THEM.

 

I think the better description of what goes on here is when Esther Perel talks about that the "vast majority of people we come into contact with in our offices are content in their marriages. They are longtime monogamists who one day cross a line into a place they never thought they would go."

 

She adds, specifically to your point: "Very often we don't go elsewhere because we are looking for another person. We go elsewhere because we are looking for another self. It isn't so much that we want to leave the person we are with as we want to leave the person we have become."

 

This goes much further explaining how a WS suddenly wakes up DDay, and decides that s/he does not want to be the person who lied, cheated, risked their marriage (they never wanted to end their marriage in the first place, that is why cheating was the only option), but wants to recover the self that s/he previously denied.

 

As you can see, this, for all intents and purposes, excludes the BS from the equation, it is about how the WS sees him/herself in the mirror. NOT the BS.

[James-London]

i haven't read any Esther Perel. but i wouldn't automatically buy something just because its comes from an expert. i would agree that most people who cheat are lifelong monogamists because who crossed a line. my ex never cheated on anyone before me (or so she says, but I did believe that). but for this post, we are dealing with a serial cheater. Although there are only 2 affairs we know about, they were both more than 1 night stands. this guys wife is a serial cheater.

 

i think this Ether Perel really confuses things.... obviously, the people who cheat are not desperate to leave their BS. If they were, then they would just leave. But - just because they are not looking to leave DOES NOT mean that they are happy and fulfilled! People stay with their partner for the children, for the finances, because of the what there family/friends/community would say, because they don't want to hurt their BS. people cheat because they don't feel an emotional connection with their BS or because they don't feel appreciated or pretty or given enough attention.

 

alternatively, they might cheat because they just don't value their partner or fancy them in a sexual way anymore. I think this is more the case in this post. but apart from people with mental problems, i can't imagine people cheating on a partner who is everything they dreamed of.... it just doesn't make sense.

[ForeverTainted]

If infidelity doesn't weigh in on a D where you live than I say ignore the bullies and take all the time you want and need. No one here knows if your wife will change for the better or not. I know people on here who have stayed and regretted it because they either can't move on or their SO cheats again. And no your wife isn't destined to be a terrible person forever and ruined for life. But her past actions won't go away. All you can do is sit and wait and see if she will continue to grow or if you let your guard down she will revert. I do not believe in punishment and forced consequences. She is not your child. Setting up personal boundaries today is neither of those. If she wants to be a better person it should be because when she saw the natural consequences of her actions she became disgusted with herself. But instead of wallowing in self pity embarked on personal growth.

 

I also know people who divorced and regreted it. They went from sharing their wife to sharing their children too. I think if you are no longer being abused by her and she is being a good mother than giving it a second shot is noble for the kids. However if bitterness and resentment are only growing than that is not healthy either. I am sorry your wife put you in this awful position. Realize that all the people scoffing at her current actions would be saying she should be doing all that if she weren't. But you have read enough to know that the fact she cheated once mean she cannot do right from now on in some people's eyes. Should uou decide to divorce be thankful she fought to save this. That is far better than if she had said "chow". Now you have the power to end this or not. (Realizing of course that with children it will never be over)

 

I was a wayward spouse. I know what itis like to get caught up in an affair based upon sex and completely seperate it from your everyday life. It really becomes an addiction. Sex with xMM was never good enough and left me wanting to try again. And To ease my guilt I told myself that unless my H found out and I remained good in all other areas no one was being hurt. Complete BS but At the time I believed it 100%.

[twosadthings]

Just because she is freaking out now doesn't mean you have the whole truth about your marriage. It's been said that even more damaging than the affair itself are the lies that come after. You've had clear evidence of her ability to lie to your face. Don't try to reconcile until you have the complete truth and an abjectly remorseful spouse. In my opinion what's even more damaging than the trickle truth and lies is a recovery that is false or built on untruths.

 

A previous poster pointed out that her first affair may have been much more involved than you think. It certainly seems like it was rug swept or at least without consequence. It may be time for the polygraph demand. An affair of almost two years that doesn't involve oral sex stretches credibility. She is still lying. Perhaps you don't care but you or your family may in the future if there were videos made or there were other partners to her liasons.

 

I'm not saying to divorce your wife. I am saying that a man who has such life or death responsibility in his daily life should be more proactive with his family. Six weeks and you haven't been STD tested is remarkably irresponsible.

 

Good luck

 

Twosadthings

[ForeverTainted]

In order to be a seriel cheater one has to cheat with a series (3 or more) of other people. The same person and a few innap messages on Fb does not make a seriel cheater. She MAY have cheated on him with ten other guys. Only she knows. Just as I don't think my parents ever cheated but I could be wrong.

[Catfish]

Catfish - based on the definition you provide of sexual harassment, this was no case of sexual harassment. The wife admits that the attention was NOT UNWANTED. She wanted the attention, she enjoyed it. Not only did it happen in the workplace, but she invited him to her own home. I cannot see how it can be argued as "unwanted" sexual advances. Regarding sexual favours. Presumably, that means she was given some preferential treatment at work in return for sexual favours. There is no evidence of that from what I have seen. Although, the OP can correct me on that. Nor was it discrimination. She was not denied a promotion for being a woman, or anything else.

 

What we have here is a clear case of a consensual relationship between two adults. The fact that they were each married to other people is irrelevant.

 

That said, having sex on work premises is probably gross misconduct. Having a relationship with a colleague even outside of work is something that many employers do not approve of either. The employer may be able to sack the OM for this (and also the wife, if she was still employed there), but this is NO WAY a case of sex discrimination.

 

I agree that Outing the OM is a good idea. I think Betrayed might learn a few more facts by following this process. I'm sure the OM will want to provide a few more facts to defend himself. Betrayed's wife might still have a few more facts to share. You may be right that this was fully consensual however it may have started with significant pressure from OM.

 

I'm not so sure that this did not begin as a Request for Sexual Services by OM that became an affair. If I were Betrayed I would want to know more about how this started. In any case if the Wife's Company was a large employer I believe that a quick settlement would be a reasonable possibility. These are horrid facts and this does not happen very often. If the OM is in a Leadership role of any kind just the mere Complaint will be enough to sink his Career. His Company's Legal and HR Teams will push him out the Door. That could be the right remedy without the painful lawsuit.

[betrayedandhurting]

A few things... My state is a no-fault for infidelity state. Only in cases where the cheating is with a drug user etc can adultery be used solely for the purpose child custody issues. I have a ton of evidence and copied it all but it won't be of much use other than blowing her up with friends and family should I choose if this goes south and we divorce. So yes, there is no timeline other than my own self respect at stake with choosing to divorce.

 

She has told me so many horrific details at my (perhaps ill advised) prodding into the wee hours of the morning each night. She claims the oral now was just once and stopped because "she didn't like it" (implying she saves it for me where it is a staple) but I know and have repeatedly told her that is either a total lie to save what face she has left OR it is true and what triggers her ethics is f-up since she slept with him in the home wearing her rings. The other to me obvious lie is that she never slept with him in our bed because it felt wrong but didn't choose the guest bed either instead always going into our full finished basement to use the couch and floor. That seems impossible to me if he was at my house many times over the years. It all makes me think she is still concealing details but now to "spare" me. Other than that she has answered my questions in a believable way after the first 24 hours of huge lies finally broke and she admitted a much fuller extent of betrayal.

 

Perhaps James is right and I don't float her boat anymore BUT I will say we never stopped sleeping together, she never stopped initiating, it was often the same pattern situation but seemed satisfying to both. Now of course it is wild and crazy and she can't get enough which is so messed up on so many levels... Is this what she did? If I just was aggressive and dominating like this would she not have cheated? (I know that isn't true but the thoughts come). Am I doing this because I'm trying to compete on some sick level (because I know I can't, no marriage and real life can compete with affair fantasy land.)

 

That said if this marriage is to be saved she has to find and deal with the flaws that cause her to seek affirmation and she has to be attracted to her husband and use me for satisification both emotional and physical. I won't be a tap dancing monkey for her entertainment to try to avoid her cheating again but there is nothing wrong with saying we can't make positive changes.

[betrayedandhurting]

I agree that Outing the OM is a good idea. I think Betrayed might learn a few more facts by following this process. I'm sure the OM will want to provide a few more facts to defend himself. Betrayed's wife might still have a few more facts to share. You may be right that this was fully consensual however it may have started with significant pressure from OM.

 

I'm not so sure that this did not begin as a Request for Sexual Services by OM that became an affair. If I were Betrayed I would want to know more about how this started. In any case if the Wife's Company was a large employer I believe that a quick settlement would be a reasonable possibility. These are horrid facts and this does not happen very often. If the OM is in a Leadership role of any kind just the mere Complaint will be enough to sink his Career. His Company's Legal and HR Teams will push him out the Door. That could be the right remedy without the painful lawsuit.

 

Without outing my wife's job (as it is I fear someone I don't want to know but knows us will randomly find this and put two and two together of our most intimate details) I can say I doubt much would come of this if I pursued it. His offices are owned by him and a partner in a larger corporation that he provides a service to. The corporation may have a comment for him but ultimately other than saying keep it out of the workplace I doubt much would come of this and after all my wife was a willing partner of years in all of this. No denying that and the anger I have toward the OM while natural is tempered knowing my wife was equally complicit in this.

 

I am reluctant to even embarrass him at the old workplace and many ex colleagues of my wife might know our extended friends and those friends (and they are FRIENDS OF OUR MARRIAGE) might socially alienate my wife and by extension our children. I don't want our kids friends and play dates to be lost for this at least until I can't avoid it if I chose a divorce.

 

What I have decided to do and my wife is behind 100% is expose this to the OM's wife very shortly. There is some risk to us that if she is vengeful she can get to our friends but I think it is unlikely and she deserves to know. Also there is a good chance our kids and their kids might go to the same HS in another 5 years and knowing they know and we know makes me more comfortable then seeing the guy and his wife 5 years from now and he laughs at me knowing he got away with it.

[Hope Shimmers]

I agree that Outing the OM is a good idea. I think Betrayed might learn a few more facts by following this process. I'm sure the OM will want to provide a few more facts to defend himself. Betrayed's wife might still have a few more facts to share. You may be right that this was fully consensual however it may have started with significant pressure from OM.

 

I'm not so sure that this did not begin as a Request for Sexual Services by OM that became an affair. If I were Betrayed I would want to know more about how this started. In any case if the Wife's Company was a large employer I believe that a quick settlement would be a reasonable possibility. These are horrid facts and this does not happen very often. If the OM is in a Leadership role of any kind just the mere Complaint will be enough to sink his Career. His Company's Legal and HR Teams will push him out the Door. That could be the right remedy without the painful lawsuit.

 

Oh please.

 

You think that OP's wife was 'sexually harassed' and that's why she has had two affairs for multiple years? Seriously?

 

I think not.

[Catfish]

Oh please.

 

You think that OP's wife was 'sexually harassed' and that's why she has had two affairs for multiple years? Seriously?

 

I think not.

 

The OM should not be allowed to get out of this without a Penalty. Betrayed is right, OMW should be told.

 

In Case you did not know having sexual affairs with your Employees is wrong and does carry Legal Liability even if you are a small business.

 

[Hope Shimmers]

Look you guys will crucify me saying I'm blaming myself but it's true I did stop chasing. Sure I bought the flowers on V-day and said I love you everyday but we went out on a "date" once every few months and at night or an overnight... barely once a year? Sex was twice a week, always good but "the same"... It's true. She never complained about any of this and shares the blame but I wasn't happy about it either... I just saw it as a phase of our lives and didn't do what my wife did. Isn't it possible that with counseling for her weakness, better boundaries and a rejuvenated relationship aside from our kids (again not to "keep her" but because it's the right thing to do and would make me happy too) that there is hope?

 

You are making excuses for your wife. ALL marriage get to the point that yours did (many times much worse) so this is not an excuse for cheating.

 

It seems you are looking for someone to tell you that "yes, it might work with her". No one here can predict that or tell you that. If you want to give another 5 years or so to the marriage and take a chance, assuming that she will stop her chronic cheating, then that is something you will have to do, weighing the potential positives and negatives.

 

You aren't objective and are still blaming yourself (for things you "didn't or did do") for her cheating. That is NOT why she cheated.

 

If you want to risk another 5 or 10 years with this woman who has proved to be nothing more than a cheater to you, then you should do it. If you believe she can be 'fixed', then you are the person most qualified to judge that. I believe you already received the most likely (statistically) outcome from the pages of posts here, but she is your wife and you ultimately have to decide what you want to risk.

[Hope Shimmers]

The OM should not be allowed to get out of this without a Penalty. Betrayed is right, OMW should be told.

 

In Case you did not know having sexual affairs with your Employees is wrong and does carry Legal Liability even if you are a small business.

 

 

Talk about missing the point.

[James-London]

hey there,

Well, i think you are making all the right noises. regarding the OM, i know what you mean about feeling angry towards him. that is only natural. however, he didn't know you, he had no relationship with you, so he actually owed you nothing. it sounds like your wife is a good looking woman and he didn't even have to work that hard to get what he got. the only person who owed you anything here was your wife.... But it sounds like you already get that, which shows your maturity... in my situation, it took me quite a while to get my around the idea that the OM was not to blame - he just took what was offered.

 

about the sex and even her initiating it - don't read too much into that. my ex-GF would sleep with me regularly too. i think it was because I gave her the feeling of a safety, security and feeling protected. its a bit like monkeys in the wild grooming each other for protection(!). but with this other guy there was the feeling of danger, escape from her daily life, doing something naughty, plus she was attracted to him too.

 

i agree with your approach of not rushing to any action. if anything, the passage of time will allow the remaining 10-15% of the remaining truth to come out from her, and you can decide in your own time what to do. if nothing else, try to work out why this happened.

 

finally, i just wanted to say that reading/participating in these posts has helped me. my exGF was not even sure if she wanted to remove the other guy or not after my D-day. She did love me, and I even believe she didn't want to lose me as her boyfriend. But she also didn't want to lose this OM. my ex-GF could not say that she wished she had never seen the OM behind my back.... with you, your wife can say this. any my ex did not try to move heaven and earth to try to win me back (although she still thinks she did). also, my ex hardly admitted to anything unless i found a way of finding out the truth myself.

 

finally - just remember that she is right now very scared of losing you/everything. that is why she is being so nice right now. but this is not going to be sustainable... you need to think about whether you are fundamentally right for each other, or whether this cheating is her way of trying to tell you that you are not the right guy.

[aliveagain]

Your issue is with your wife, the O/M owes you nothing and nothing would have happened if your wife didn't give him the go ahead. This wasn't her first rodeo and she knew exactly what she was doing when she consented to being his piece on the side. You and your children were not enough to stop her from having a long term affair with this POS. You have some of the truth, she's a liar, and liar's lie. Just read the post's here on LS, nothing special about your wife's affair. She wasn't forced into having an affair she did it willingly. She could have used protection but chose not to, they almost always lie about that, exchanging body fluids is part of the rush. Bringing the O/M into your home with your children there is extra nasty and a real insult to your integrity. That would be a hard one for me to forgive. Is this really the person you want to grow old with? That should be your first decision. Is she worth a third chance, a fourth chance, maybe a fifth?

 

Personally, I was never able to get over my ex's 2 year affair, she gave me the extra gift of an affair child that she had me believing was mine. Can you live with the imbalance that her affairs have caused your marriage? Do you really want to be in a marriage with someone you can't trust? What happens the next time you fly to Europe, will you be wondering about who's in your home?

[2sunny]

You are still protecting your wife from consequences. You seem to want no one to know. That will only allow her to consider doing it again.

 

 

Read co dependent no more by melodie Beattie (sp?) you're very tangle up in own her actions which are her own responsibility.

 

You also seem to want to let her off easy. I caution you - doing that HELPS her do it again. She needs consequences that sting. That make her think twice next time she considers it.

 

And most of all - do you know exactly where YOUR boundary is?

 

It doesn't look like it! Work on this with your counselor. You seem to have lost track of where you end and she begins. You've lost track of your self respect and implementing consequences. You've lost track of what may be BEST for you long term.

 

I know you're confused. But setting that boundary FOR YOURSELF and sticking to it will help you understand exactly what you will and won't live with.

 

 

Ps... I'm sure you still don't have her truth. Even her oral sex info has now changed! How many times do you allow her to keep lying and get away with it by having no consequences?

 

She's not likely to change unless she's scared she's losing something/someone.

 

 

Personally, I find it dispicable that she F*ed him and allowed him to use her like she was a meaningless gal. But the having sex in your home crosses severe boundaries for any couple.

 

Read on it. The only reason it happens involves complete disrespect for the spouse. Usually anger too.

 

Since your wife still seems to be lying I keep wondering where your boundary is?

 

Remember, she can't do this to you unless YOU ALLOW it. In that case you are the only one to blame for allowing her to continue lying to you without changing things.

 

You really have NO control over what your wife will or won't do - and that is the problem. You can't spend your life controlling her. You can wait another 5-10 years collecting more evidence on whether or not you think she's being faithful.

Edited August 18, 2014 by 2sunny