D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[Oberfeldwebel]

Please don't tell me "I told you so." Don't tell me "divorce her now" "hide the money" etc. I get it now. I just need some good feels and then I'm going to have a mod shutdown this thread in a few days and I'll start another when I get the next phase going. I wanted to fix this so bad, but how do you come back from this?

 

I am sorry you are in this position. I wish I had a magic pill or wand that I could waive, but it just isn't possible. The pain in your situation is doubled by the fact that she couldn't even enjoy the good times without validation from others. The sad thing was that she was just the flavor of the month for those jerks, when she had someone who truly loved her already. The worst part to me is the trickle truth as it is just a continuation of the affair. It is also demeaning as they think we are so stupid we don't know any better.

 

I won't tell you I told you so or even divorce, that is your decision alone. You are on track to protect your legal rights and financial assets, so that is a good thing. You two still have a relationship as it relates to the children and being the best parents you can in view of the circumstances is a good plan and could be the focus of a counseling session in and of itself. As you know you are going to go through a myriad of emotions, as you grieve the death of the relationship you thought that existed. This is perfectly normal and will just take time. Just remember, her antics had nothing really to do with you, this was all of her own doing.

[Buckeye2]

how come you are the one going to the spare room to sleep?? I only just picked upon that. You tell the LS community how assertive you are being, but then you go and do that?? She should not even be in the spare room. If she has to be under your roof, put her in the garage or dog's kennel, for goodness sake.

 

I am starting to wonder whether she is lying in bed at night saying to herself: "i really think i might be able to get away with this!! Just hold out for another few weeks, and then I can go back to screwing around like usual".

 

mate - they are down there somewhere in your trousers... please grab a hold of them and assert yourself, for goodness sake.

 

How about cutting the OP some slack. Perhaps he prefers to sleep in the guest room because the master bedroom was where the OM screwed his wife.

 

He has stated that he can’t imagine how he could stay married to her. The only things that require his immediate attention are financial and he’s taking care of those today.

 

His wife’s a POS but she’s a good mother. He might as well have her take care of the kids while he adjusts to his new life and gets his ducks in a row.

[betrayedandhurting]

ok...

 

1. still living in the guest bedroom. never felt to ask her to move here, I'm sure she would have... whatever, I'm just glad not to be sharing a bed or be in the room she screwed another guy.

 

2. i changed the MC today to IC for me today. we share the same therapist although that will likely change. i go to IC today, will tell him what i've learned, she goes to IC tomorrow. no MC.

 

3. i separated the "dangerous" finances, checking, savings, emergency funds, and credit. she accepts this and says she would have never done anything but i had a serious discussion with her of the practical ways finances will work now and during the divorce and made it clear either of us could make this very, very hard, expensive and bad but if we work together we can save money and make it easier on everyone including the children. for now she gets it, but she hasn't gone to a lawyer yet either.

 

4. i will work today on isolating my other accounts and internet stuff, I've open new email etc. to have some level of privacy.

 

5. this morning i did paternity testing on my son. hardest thing ever i've done in my life. my wife went along with it and supplied her DNA to make it more accurate, she swears he is mine, i 99.9% believe it but i don't want to go through life wonder so i'm sending it in this morning and hopefully will find out that at least leaving this marriage he wasn't a lie too.

 

5. she continues to beg for another chance and mercy. if i break it down the total amount of cheating admitted to is about 7-7.5 years with the most recent of the 2 guys admitted to being 6 years even. she claims the only physical affair was the most recent 2.5 years but its a total horror show in my house, bed, basement, kitchen... sex, oral etc. the rest of the 4.5-5 years of cheating were EA's according to her with mainly intimate talk about "life" "work" "family" with a mix of flirty and inappropriate words back and forth but no sexting, photos, video, or phone sex. yeah right.

 

i won't pull punches. i have NO interest in reconcillition in my heart right now but i did go along yesterday to take the kids bowling with her and sat at a restaurant as a family after. although i'll hardly look at her the idea that very soon we will never sit as a family of 4 around a table again takes my very breath away. i wish it was easier to say "f-this" and grab my balls as someone said but i'm sorry i'm not made of sterner stuff.

 

my daughter is aware of what happened, somehow she heard and told her mother why are you breaking up are family, why would you have a boyfriend when you have daddy? my wife made it clear to her she was totally at fault and did a horrible thing. she is devastated and last night at bedtime she asked me to stay behind for "one more question" something i've done since she was a toddler, where she asks me questions in the dark about life and world. everything from "how does a water filtration plant work" to "how small our we in the universe" etc. (she is brilliant) but last night she asked "are you going to leave and divorce mommy." she begged. i comforted her and told her how much i loved her and her brother, and how much her mommy did too and no matter what happens that will never change.

 

my life is a non-stop horror show. non-stop.

Edited August 25, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[thummper]

My God, how can you cope with all this!!!

[Timmos]

My God, how can you cope with all this!!!

 

This.

 

I know a lot of times we can each get wrapped up in, and focus solely on, our own pain. But I really, really feel for you. I have a young daughter too and your last post made me tear up.

 

Good luck, buddy. Stay strong. As difficult as it may be.

[james1989]

ok...

 

1. still living in the guest bedroom. never felt to ask her to move here, I'm sure she would have... whatever, I'm just glad not to be sharing a bed or be in the room she screwed another guy.

 

2. i changed the MC today to IC for me today. we share the same therapist although that will likely change. i go to IC today, will tell him what i've learned, she goes to IC tomorrow. no MC.

 

3. i separated the "dangerous" finances, checking, savings, emergency funds, and credit. she accepts this and says she would have never done anything but i had a serious discussion with her of the practical ways finances will work now and during the divorce and made it clear either of us could make this very, very hard, expensive and bad but if we work together we can save money and make it easier on everyone including the children. for now she gets it, but she hasn't gone to a lawyer yet either.

 

4. i will work today on isolating my other accounts and internet stuff, I've open new email etc. to have some level of privacy.

 

5. this morning i did paternity testing on my son. hardest thing ever i've done in my life. my wife went along with it and supplied her DNA to make it more accurate, she swears he is mine, i 99.9% believe it but i don't want to go through life wonder so i'm sending it in this morning and hopefully will find out that at least leaving this marriage he wasn't a lie too.

 

5. she continues to beg for another chance and mercy. if i break it down the total amount of cheating admitted to is about 7-7.5 years with the most recent of the 2 guys admitted to being 6 years even. she claims the only physical affair was the most recent 2.5 years but its a total horror show in my house, bed, basement, kitchen... sex, oral etc. the rest of the 4.5-5 years of cheating were EA's according to her with mainly intimate talk about "life" "work" "family" with a mix of flirty and inappropriate words back and forth but no sexting, photos, video, or phone sex. yeah right.

 

i won't pull punches. i have NO interest in reconcillition in my heart right now but i did go along yesterday to take the kids bowling with her and sat at a restaurant as a family after. although i'll hardly look at her the idea that very soon we will never sit as a family of 4 around a table again takes my very breath away. i wish it was easier to say "f-this" and grab my balls as someone said but i'm sorry i'm not made of sterner stuff.

 

my daughter is aware of what happened, somehow she heard and told her mother why are you breaking up are family, why would you have a boyfriend when you have daddy? my wife made it clear to her she was totally at fault and did a horrible thing. she is devastated and last night at bedtime she asked me to stay behind for "one more question" something i've done since she was a toddler, where she asks me questions in the dark about life and world. everything from "how does a water filtration plant work" to "how small our we in the universe" etc. (she is brilliant) but last night she asked "are you going to leave and divorce mommy." she begged. i comforted her and told her how much i loved her and her brother, and how much her mommy did too and no matter what happens that will never change.

 

my life is a non-stop horror show. non-stop.

 

She had her chance after the first affair and she blew it. She wont stop until she realises there are consequences for her actions.

 

Im so sorry you are going through this i cant believe your wife has done this to you she is really fu*ked up in the head.

 

You deserve better than her.

[aliveagain]

ok...

 

1. still living in the guest bedroom. never felt to ask her to move here, I'm sure she would have... whatever, I'm just glad not to be sharing a bed or be in the room she screwed another guy.

 

2. i changed the MC today to IC for me today. we share the same therapist although that will likely change. i go to IC today, will tell him what i've learned, she goes to IC tomorrow. no MC.

 

3. i separated the "dangerous" finances, checking, savings, emergency funds, and credit. she accepts this and says she would have never done anything but i had a serious discussion with her of the practical ways finances will work now and during the divorce and made it clear either of us could make this very, very hard, expensive and bad but if we work together we can save money and make it easier on everyone including the children. for now she gets it, but she hasn't gone to a lawyer yet either.

 

4. i will work today on isolating my other accounts and internet stuff, I've open new email etc. to have some level of privacy.

 

5. this morning i did paternity testing on my son. hardest thing ever i've done in my life. my wife went along with it and supplied her DNA to make it more accurate, she swears he is mine, i 99.9% believe it but i don't want to go through life wonder so i'm sending it in this morning and hopefully will find out that at least leaving this marriage he wasn't a lie too.

 

5. she continues to beg for another chance and mercy. if i break it down the total amount of cheating admitted to is about 7-7.5 years with the most recent of the 2 guys admitted to being 6 years even. she claims the only physical affair was the most recent 2.5 years but its a total horror show in my house, bed, basement, kitchen... sex, oral etc. the rest of the 4.5-5 years of cheating were EA's according to her with mainly intimate talk about "life" "work" "family" with a mix of flirty and inappropriate words back and forth but no sexting, photos, video, or phone sex. yeah right.

 

i won't pull punches. i have NO interest in reconcillition in my heart right now but i did go along yesterday to take the kids bowling with her and sat at a restaurant as a family after. although i'll hardly look at her the idea that very soon we will never sit as a family of 4 around a table again takes my very breath away. i wish it was easier to say "f-this" and grab my balls as someone said but i'm sorry i'm not made of sterner stuff.

my daughter is aware of what happened, somehow she heard and told her mother why are you breaking up are family, why would you have a boyfriend when you have daddy? my wife made it clear to her she was totally at fault and did a horrible thing. she is devastated and last night at bedtime she asked me to stay behind for "one more question" something i've done since she was a toddler, where she asks me questions in the dark about life and world. everything from "how does a water filtration plant work" to "how small our we in the universe" etc. (she is brilliant) but last night she asked "are you going to leave and divorce mommy." she begged. i comforted her and told her how much i loved her and her brother, and how much her mommy did too and no matter what happens that will never change.

 

my life is a non-stop horror show. non-stop.

 

My heart goes out to you, I know your pain. Divorce takes time and in time you will know which is the right course for you. You should talk to your counselor about counselling for your daughter, she will need help with this. The first time you caught her there really wasn't a meaningful consequence, your giving her a real shot of reality right now, a consequence. You can stop a divorce up to the final decree, besides there is nothing that say's people can't remarry even after divorce. Have you told her to buy a new bed? I still don't get how she can turn off a 7 year relationship that easily, that still bothers me.

[bubbaganoosh]

The real sad part about this is your bearing all the grief and for some reason, the one who caused this mess for some reason, can still be able to function in a normal way.

 

I have no doubt that she's got a ton on her mind but in comparison not like the betrayed has and then you throw the kids in the mix and it's a nightmare.

 

My advice is that you weather the storm and end it because if you stay with her, this will be a never ending nightmare. It's obvious that she comes first and the rest of you fall in whatever order suits her at the moment.

 

Right now just be the best parent you can be and enjoy your kids and don't worry, your not going to lose your kids. They know who their dad is.

[betrayedandhurting]

aliveagain...

 

we replaced all the "bad" furniture weeks ago at great expense, she handled everything while i was at work at my request. the new stuff is fine but i know it is new and i know why. thoughts come across me like "some other guy stared up at this same ceiling fan..." weird stuff. but now every floor of my house has been admitted to, basement, main-floor, upstairs and this whole house is tainted. we BUILT this house, i have a picture of my wife and i standing in the bottom of the dirt hole that it is built in. Sadly in a divorce we will lose $200-250k on the house if/when we sell it (market downturn but I'm not underwater) and even if we had reconciled I likely would have had to stay in because I wouldn't want to cost the "healed" family 200-250k but it would have been a horror show. you guys attack me when i even imply i might reconcile (which i don't intend to now) but id admit had a stayed i would have dreamed of someday being able to "start fresh" in a new house... BUT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR DREAM HOME!

 

as for how easily she dropped the two affairs including this one which lasted 6 years... i think she actually DID drop them easily. i think unlike most women in long term affairs this was about the talking/sex and how that made her feel but she always "loved" me and the kids as #1. she is just a selfish narcissist that thinks that as long as her "affair time" never impacts her "family time" there is nothing wrong with it or the feelings it gives her. after all if i'm on the road and the kids are at school... how does her cheating harm us? if she is at work anyway and screws a guy in his office but still comes home at the regular time, brings a starbucks frappucino and spends the rest of the day with her family how is that hurting anyone? we always WERE #1 and so now that her "affair time" has been revealed it is easy to drop since it is "risking" the things of #1 importance to her.

 

as someone said... don't try to understand it, its the logic of someone truly broken and if you are normal it won't make sense. i'm sure she truly DOESN'T want to cheat right now but if i stay i give very little hope that as soon as things settle and she meets some guy who tells her she is cute this will happen again, except she will be even more careful to hide it better. that even implies i could ever manage the pain and loss of safety that comes from knowing your wife of 14 years cheated 7 of the last 9 years to try and stay.

 

my wife is a super-star in life in the eyes of people who aren't aware of this. she was super mom, super wife, super employee, super friend to everyone. she is considered a pillar of the community and has the respect of everyone. anyone would consider her beyond reproach. maybe this was her naughty little secret that gave her a tingle she likes who knows... it is like trying to understand insanity when you are sane.

[james1989]

this might sound weird but was she sexually abused as a kid??

[oldshirt]

ok...

 

1. still living in the guest bedroom. never felt to ask her to move here, I'm sure she would have... whatever, I'm just glad not to be sharing a bed or be in the room she screwed another guy.

 

 

Fair enough on not wanting to sleep in some other man's wetspot. However you are perfectly within your rights to ask her to move out while you figure out your next courses of action.

As others have mentioned, she has not felt any actual real-world repercussions or pain in her 8 years of affairs, only excitement and pleasure. Having her living in a little apartment and fending for herself after what she has done is perfectly legitimate.

It will also afford you the space and privacy you need to deal with all of this without her riding your ass begging to let her live her life of privilege.

It will also help transition you into your post-divorce lifestyle.

if you want to play nice and be fair you can give some notice of a period of days or something of when she has to be out. file for legal separation asap and serve her notice to vacate the marital home.

You can still cooperate to coparent and work out child care arraingements in a cooperative manner.

 

2. i changed the MC today to IC for me today. we share the same therapist although that will likely change. i go to IC today, will tell him what i've learned, she goes to IC tomorrow. no MC.

 

I strongly advise you to find your own therapist separate from the one she is using. You need someone to focus strictly on treating you and advocating strictly for you.

If your current counselor is worth his/her weight in beetle dung, he/she will also advise you find a separate therapist for that reason.

It's ok to continue with joint MC but the focus needs to shift 180 from reconciling the marriage to dissolving the marriage cooperatively and with the least amount of pain and chaos possible to each of you and to the kids (that will be a monumental task but MC does go both ways and is often valuable to the divorce process. it will need to be clear to the counselor that your objectives are clearly to divorce with as little pain and impact to the children and not to reconcile the marriage.

If the counselor balks at that request, find another counselor that will.

 

 

3. i separated the "dangerous" finances, checking, savings, emergency funds, and credit. she accepts this and says she would have never done anything but i had a serious discussion with her of the practical ways finances will work now and during the divorce and made it clear either of us could make this very, very hard, expensive and bad but if we work together we can save money and make it easier on everyone including the children. for now she gets it, but she hasn't gone to a lawyer yet either.

 

This is good but never forget that at any moment the fangs and claws WILL come out and she will turn into fighting, backstabbing beast of legend and nightmares. She is still under the dillusion of reconciliation and she is playing nice. Once she realizes reconciliation is not on the table she WILL fight back with a vengeance. She has already shown what she is capable of that you couldn't predict before.

You have been warned. Take heed and prepare accordingly.

 

 

 

 

4. i will work today on isolating my other accounts and internet stuff, I've open new email etc. to have some level of privacy.

 

Good. continue doing so with the absolute best of your ability. This WILL turn ugly, very ugly, very soon.

 

 

 

 

5. this morning i did paternity testing on my son. hardest thing ever i've done in my life. my wife went along with it and supplied her DNA to make it more accurate, she swears he is mine, i 99.9% believe it but i don't want to go through life wonder so i'm sending it in this morning and hopefully will find out that at least leaving this marriage he wasn't a lie too.

 

This is also good. Most normal women would find that deeply humiliating, shameful and offensive. She likely does too but as I stated earlier, she is still delusional that her cooperativeness will soften you up and make you change your stance and you will get back to the old status quo.

World War 342,793 is coming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. she continues to beg for another chance and mercy. if i break it down the total amount of cheating admitted to is about 7-7.5 years with the most recent of the 2 guys admitted to being 6 years even. she claims the only physical affair was the most recent 2.5 years but its a total horror show in my house, bed, basement, kitchen... sex, oral etc. the rest of the 4.5-5 years of cheating were EA's according to her with mainly intimate talk about "life" "work" "family" with a mix of flirty and inappropriate words back and forth but no sexting, photos, video, or phone sex. yeah right.

 

 

 

 

You are never going to know the full truth. She is going to rug sweep and lie and gaslight you at every turn. She may even make up crap she didn't do just to throw more smoke and mirrors at you.

You already know all you need to. You both need STD tests but any more discussion at this point is just going to bring The Crazy out more in both of you.

 

i won't pull punches. i have NO interest in reconcillition in my heart right now but i did go along yesterday to take the kids bowling with her and sat at a restaurant as a family after. although i'll hardly look at her the idea that very soon we will never sit as a family of 4 around a table again takes my very breath away. i wish it was easier to say "f-this" and grab my balls as someone said but i'm sorry i'm not made of sterner stuff.

 

 

Don't worry, that is going to come. Realize that you did not fall in love with her and made a home and family and life with her in a day. It took place over time and was built from scratch over time. You are not going to fall out of love and dissolve a marriage and home with her overnight either.

over time as all of this sinks in and the fog clears you are going to fall out of love with her more and more each day. Your disgust and resentment are going to build and boil over and that will soon be replaced with the true opposite of love - apathy.

In time you simply won't care about her or for her. You will always be somewhat turned off by her but it eventually won't be a raw, acute wound that festers and weeps and bleeds.

in time she will just be the mother of your children that you coparent with from separate homes and separate lives.

That is a process that takes time to get there but you will get there. Her betrayal and mistreatment of you were so bad, it will simply be impossible to continue to love and have warm and sexy and romantic feelings for her anymore.

This has all happened so fast you are still feeling the echo's of the love and feelings you used to have for her. Those are fading minute by minute as the full impact of what she has done sinks in.

 

 

 

 

 

my daughter is aware of what happened, somehow she heard and told her mother why are you breaking up are family, why would you have a boyfriend when you have daddy?

 

 

In time she will grasp what has taken place and will know who the one who was faithful and invested to the family was.

 

 

 

 

my wife made it clear to her she was totally at fault and did a horrible thing.

 

 

Please let this sink in and take heed - that is going to change! She is going to counter attack soon. it may be today, tomorrow, next week or next month. But as sure as the sun will rise and set, she is going to make a counter attack and come after you. and she will fight dirty. be prepared for that

 

 

 

 

she is devastated and last night at bedtime she asked me to stay behind for "one more question" something i've done since she was a toddler, where she asks me questions in the dark about life and world. everything from "how does a water filtration plant work" to "how small our we in the universe" etc. (she is brilliant) but last night she asked "are you going to leave and divorce mommy." she begged. i comforted her and told her how much i loved her and her brother, and how much her mommy did too and no matter what happens that will never change.

 

This is the kind of thing that IC and divorce-planning MC can help with. The therapists can assist both of you on how to address this with your children to answer their questions and address their concerns etc.

This was/is a terribly traumatic event for everyone and it will likely get worse in the short term before it gets better. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security and don't skimp on the therapy.

 

 

 

 

my life is a non-stop horror show. non-stop.

 

 

You will get through this and survive smarter and wiser and stronger than you ever thought possible. You are just going to take a few more blows and hits before it starts to get better and you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there. All things considered, you are actually holding up pretty well and doing a pretty good job. Noone should have to go through this.

 

 

 

 

 

Responses in bold above.

[jm2013]

Out of curiosity have you exposed her affair? You should certainly take away the super star status she has other people perceiving her and bring her down to the adulterer she's been for so long. I caused lots of resentment from from in-laws for doing this but I exposed my wife's affair to everybody. They tried to hush me at first but I was pissed off. I let everybody know what she did so she can feel embarrassed and ashamed when people look at her for the person who she has really been. I certainly didn't want to hide her actions and make her think "well gee, that wasn't so bad.".

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Your story has even made me cringe and flashback to certain things. Especially with the kids. It's unbelievably difficult to hear the kids say things like that. My daughter did that and I cried my eyes out. "Daddy, are you going to leave?", "Daddy, when are you coming home?", "Daddy, I miss you. Mommy made a huge mistake. Please come home". Expect to get lots of that.

 

Also, if you plan on terminating your marriage you shouldn't leave your home. IT's going to be difficult to cohabitate for awhile but you have done nothing. I myself didn't take that advice that was given and had abandoned my home. I'm sure you lawyer will give you good advice. Also, I'm not sure what state you're in but ALL assets are typically split down the pipe 50/50 unless of course you both are civil about things and can work out ALL of the details. If she refuses to work with you on a dissolution style divorce be prepared for a messy, long drawn out divorce. Again, I'm sorry and hope you find quick resolve soon and are able to move forward with your life. And remember, your feelings now will settle as time goes by. Time, healthy eating and working out will all help you right now. I did the complete opposite and found out the hard ways until finally changing.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

as for how easily she dropped the two affairs including this one which lasted 6 years... i think she actually DID drop them easily. i think unlike most women in long term affairs this was about the talking/sex and how that made her feel but she always "loved" me and the kids as #1. she is just a selfish narcissist that thinks that as long as her "affair time" never impacts her "family time" there is nothing wrong with it or the feelings it gives her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i'm sure she truly DOESN'T want to cheat right now but if i stay i give very little hope that as soon as things settle and she meets some guy who tells her she is cute this will happen again, except she will be even more careful to hide it better.

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

Now you are getting it. Now you are seeing the light.

[jm2013]

I forgot to mention this as well. You may get the urge to have sex with your wife even know you plan to divorce. I'm sure the temptation "may" come up I don't know. Please watch out she doesn't go nuclear on you and perhaps stop taking a birth control pill you think she's still on. Maybe you guys use condoms I don't know. When I had planned to leave my marriage I was really concerned about this. I felt that she would try and purposely get pregnant into some sort of forced stay. Though she did not do this. It was always in the back of my head...

[Buckeye2]

My wife is a super-star in life in the eyes of people who aren't aware of this. she was super mom, super wife, super employee, super friend to everyone. she is considered a pillar of the community and has the respect of everyone. anyone would consider her beyond reproach. May be this was her naughty little secret that gave her a tingle she likes who knows... it is like trying to understand insanity when you are sane.

 

I think this made things even more difficult. You were the perfect couple. You had farther to fall.

 

I think your wife worked very hard for her super-star status and was quite proud of it. In her mind she had very much earned her OM hobby.

 

She was juggling all the balls in the air perfectly and everyone including the OM was happy. For this reason I think she will never be sorry for the affair itself. The only problem was that you found out. (i.e. If she could go back in time she would still have the affair, just be more careful.)

 

In a way the affair was quite an accomplishment and you are correct. If given the opportunity she will give it another try with some new OM.

 

It’s like a professional gambler that was successful for years before having a run of bad luck and losing everything. As soon as they have a new stake they're back in the game.

Edited August 25, 2014 by Buckeye2

[drifter777]

I was forced by my WW to leave our home during her episode of cheating. Telling my son that I would not be living with him was so painful for me that I couldn't finish telling him all the things I wanted to say. I got him for the weekend a couple days later and I worked really hard with him to help him at least get used to the idea that I wouldn't live with him but my love hasn't changed and we would see each other all the time. Even though it was only another 3 weeks until I moved back in, I could tell he was getting used to the idea and already getting into a routine of staying with me for 3 days and then back to mom's. If you continue to reassure them of your love and give them your time then your children will adapt much quicker than you will. They will heal much quicker than you will. This is another one of those times when the best way to help them is to help yourself. Its time for you to be selfish and focus on your own healing and what's best for those kids. The contempt you feel for your cheating wife is trumping whatever love you have left - and that contempt will do nothing but grow. These affair's of hers have been so callus that the insidious affects on you are only beginning to surface. The details you know and have shared with us are horrendous and its impossible for your to emotionally process all of them right now. The ones you are reacting to have motivated you to end the marriage. The temptation to give her another chance because of the kids and her tears & good intentions is strong, and I know how that is. But what you are feeling right now is the tip of the iceberg. If you stay you will have to deal with all of the emotional results of what she has done to you and your family. Looking at her every day will trigger the memories and make your own recovery more difficult. I don't think there is a man alive who could honestly take this. There are many who would sweep it under the rug and suffer in silence but none who could ever forgive the depth of her betrayal.

 

Listen to your lawyer and get the divorce over as soon as possible. If you want to continue to be a great father, you will. Just take care of yourself.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Please don't ignore my post even though I am a ws. My H and I have struggled and there have been moments that I have hurt him horribly, I feel your pain. Something he did that was healing for him and our children, he took them away without me. For the first time he spent alone time with his children. It was healing to both him and the children.

 

And an eye opener for me. But that's not the important part. Take the kids on a short vacation . Enjoy each other's company. Someone mentioned healing yourself, I think this would be good for you and the kids.

[oldshirt]

I forgot to mention this as well. You may get the urge to have sex with your wife even know you plan to divorce. I'm sure the temptation "may" come up I don't know. Please watch out she doesn't go nuclear on you and perhaps stop taking a birth control pill you think she's still on. QUOTE]

 

 

 

Don't dismiss this advice, it is spot-on. If neither of you are surgically sterilized, she will try to get pregnant. She may have already done it.

 

 

She may even get knocked up by someone else and try to use that to keep you around. Since you already did the paternity test, you would hope she would be smart enough to realize you will DNA test another child if she turns up pregnant but we aren't dealing with someone who is going to use common sense here.

 

 

Keep your sperm far far away from her.

[betrayedandhurting]

she has been surgically sterilized since after our second child which why she felt it was ok to go bareback in her PA.

 

i am not aware of any abuse as a child and i think she would have pulled that card by now.

 

i have been going through her old boxes of stuff she keeps, she literally keeps everything. we have been friends since 14. i found the old high school notes etc. it reminds me of the issues she did have for this whole time. she was very needy/clingy on friends and the high school boyfriend (no sex, he was the nerdy valedictorian and he dumped her before college). the letters from friends to her keep reminding her to not get overlly clingy if someone couldn't go out with her on a given night etc. that sometimes life gets in the way. there are letters I wrote to her during our dating in college "hey look, i drive down 150+ miles per weekend to see you in the dorm you can't having a crying freakout every time i leave or when once in 6 months i can't see you." there are even letters from her old boyfriends mother to her before college saying "look my son's stupid he dumped you but be careful in college, you try to please anyone and get crushed when they don't validate you... stop trying to make everyone happy and get depressed when you can't be perfect... if you feel that way go to therapy." (now all these quotes are nasty pharasphrases but written more sensitively obviously.

 

my wife was an A student who lived in a family that expected and got A+ out of her older brother. in the eyes of her dominating mother she never met up to expectations and she was honor roll, perfect child. she played concert piano but her mother would point out the single note that was out of place. my wife is born in the midwest but is asian and the demands on her never let up and she always tried to please.

 

i honestly think all this is some how tied to needing to be validated and once the kids came and we paid attention to them she went crazy for someone paying attention to her in an aggressive (not comfortable marriage way) manner. i think perhaps this was also her way of having one part of her life be "for her" and "not perfect."

 

NONE OF THIS IS AN EXCUSE. She cheated on me for a total of SEVEN YEARS and the latest affair was SIX of that with at least 2 1/2 years of screwing all over the place including all over the home we built together for our family. She is broken. I think this can't be fixed, but I see now that there may honestly be things from her very childhood that drive her behaviors and what once were childhood cries for attention became sexual affairs in her 30's.

[RightThere]

i am not aware of any abuse as a child and i think she would have pulled that card by now.

 

Don't totally discount it. Your WW's actions really do fit a profile of someone that was possibly sexually abused.

 

And the abused tend to bury it VERY deep. So much so that they don't believe it actually happened.

[drifter777]

You are enumerating all the ways your wife is broken and, probably, some of the why's. That changes nothing in so far as she needs to work on herself in IC and most people with her background never really "recover". They find ways to cope. One of the behaviors they need to change is their propensity to hurt those that love them. The collateral damage of their illness can be managed if they stay out of committed relationships so that is encouraged. Her relationship with the kids is complicated but they are also affected by her illness and this is another area she will have to work on.

 

As men, we feel compelled to "fix" things. We want to help our wives when we see them hurt and/or broken. The sad fact is that this is not a bank overdraft or burned dinner. You cannot fix or manage it because it's her illness and has nothing to do with you. I repeat that the only thing you can do is work on yourself to heal and help your kids get through this. Another fact is that the divorce might be the motivation she needs to finally work on her issues with a counselor.

[Buckeye2]

she has been surgically sterilized since after our second child which why she felt it was ok to go bareback in her PA.

 

i am not aware of any abuse as a child and i think she would have pulled that card by now.

 

i have been going through her old boxes of stuff she keeps, she literally keeps everything. we have been friends since 14. i found the old high school notes etc. it reminds me of the issues she did have for this whole time. she was very needy/clingy on friends and the high school boyfriend (no sex, he was the nerdy valedictorian and he dumped her before college). the letters from friends to her keep reminding her to not get overlly clingy if someone couldn't go out with her on a given night etc. that sometimes life gets in the way. there are letters I wrote to her during our dating in college "hey look, i drive down 150+ miles per weekend to see you in the dorm you can't having a crying freakout every time i leave or when once in 6 months i can't see you." there are even letters from her old boyfriends mother to her before college saying "look my son's stupid he dumped you but be careful in college, you try to please anyone and get crushed when they don't validate you... stop trying to make everyone happy and get depressed when you can't be perfect... if you feel that way go to therapy." (now all these quotes are nasty pharasphrases but written more sensitively obviously.

 

my wife was an A student who lived in a family that expected and got A+ out of her older brother. in the eyes of her dominating mother she never met up to expectations and she was honor roll, perfect child. she played concert piano but her mother would point out the single note that was out of place. my wife is born in the midwest but is asian and the demands on her never let up and she always tried to please.

 

i honestly think all this is some how tied to needing to be validated and once the kids came and we paid attention to them she went crazy for someone paying attention to her in an aggressive (not comfortable marriage way) manner. i think perhaps this was also her way of having one part of her life be "for her" and "not perfect."

 

NONE OF THIS IS AN EXCUSE. She cheated on me for a total of SEVEN YEARS and the latest affair was SIX of that with at least 2 1/2 years of screwing all over the place including all over the home we built together for our family. She is broken. I think this can't be fixed, but I see now that there may honestly be things from her very childhood that drive her behaviors and what once were childhood cries for attention became sexual affairs in her 30's.

 

 

 

I think you nailed it.

[betrayedandhurting]

God guys I'm losing it. Things are different now then the last 7 weeks, the new trickle truth that her affair was double the length, 6 not 3 years has taken the fight out of me. 6 years is nearly my son's whole life and he is getting pretty big. 6 years is longer than we dated prior to marrying.

 

That said, I am losing it. I am sitting here misty eyed at the kids, and our home, and the old high school notes and the life we "have" (i know its a lie) and keep wondering... is there ANY hope? i know, i know, i know but i'm being honest i am feeling weak here. she is still begging, the NC looks solid through 2 months, etc. but she has been underplaying the truth to me and the therapist and the truth is a freaking nightmare. I WANT MY WIFE BACK but I can't ever have her back because she will always be the girl that cheated on me for 7 years and was giving blow jobs all over my house... I can't unknow that, ever! I'm torn and messed up and feel weak.

[james1989]

God guys I'm losing it. Things are different now then the last 7 weeks, the new trickle truth that her affair was double the length, 6 not 3 years has taken the fight out of me. 6 years is nearly my son's whole life and he is getting pretty big. 6 years is longer than we dated prior to marrying.

 

That said, I am losing it. I am sitting here misty eyed at the kids, and our home, and the old high school notes and the life we "have" (i know its a lie) and keep wondering... is there ANY hope? i know, i know, i know but i'm being honest i am feeling weak here. she is still begging, the NC looks solid through 2 months, etc. but she has been underplaying the truth to me and the therapist and the truth is a freaking nightmare. I WANT MY WIFE BACK but I can't ever have her back because she will always be the girl that cheated on me for 7 years and was giving blow jobs all over my house... I can't unknow that, ever! I'm torn and messed up and feel weak.

 

Dont be ashamed at feeling weak only 2 months ago you thought you had a perfect family and marriage.

 

but i am going to hit you with some 2x4s in relation to you trying to save your marriage, while you were away busting your ass trying to make a great life for your wife and kids she brought another man into your house and had sex with him all around your house and more than likely kissed you on the mouth on the same day she gave him a BJ.

 

I want you to read that so you see how sh*tty your wife has treated you i really hope you decide you want your happiness to come first and kick this women to the curb

Edited August 25, 2014 by james1989

[RightThere]

God guys I'm losing it. Things are different now then the last 7 weeks, the new trickle truth that her affair was double the length, 6 not 3 years has taken the fight out of me. 6 years is nearly my son's whole life and he is getting pretty big. 6 years is longer than we dated prior to marrying.

 

That said, I am losing it. I am sitting here misty eyed at the kids, and our home, and the old high school notes and the life we "have" (i know its a lie) and keep wondering... is there ANY hope? i know, i know, i know but i'm being honest i am feeling weak here. she is still begging, the NC looks solid through 2 months, etc. but she has been underplaying the truth to me and the therapist and the truth is a freaking nightmare. I WANT MY WIFE BACK but I can't ever have her back because she will always be the girl that cheated on me for 7 years and was giving blow jobs all over my house... I can't unknow that, ever! I'm torn and messed up and feel weak.

 

It is a lot to handle. Don't feel bad for feeling what you a feeling. It is totally normal to totally swing from one emotion to another.

 

As for "hope" you'll only get one answer on these boards. The odds are not stacked in your favor. She did it before for a long time. So long, that the lying and double life is just part of her and she couldn't separate the truth from the lies. And you need to understand you can NEVER get your wife back. She never existed. You just had an illusion in your head as to what you thought she was.

 

But as for "hope" I hang onto threads of it myself. But that's because it is my choice to. If and when you chose to let go of them, it will be the right time.