Author betrayedandhurting Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 (edited) I agree with the conclusion, but i think the OP has it very clear in his mind that he needs a hard separation, a divorce, to heal himself. 1. Its true, she is a POS lying slut, and is not wife material. I dont doubt some of these exist 2. These BS'S didnt give their WS'S a chance, and continue to come in here with this belief and that all WS's are the same. 3. All the literature and the personal stories of those in LS are equally true. A WS typically needs a DDAY to turn around her life and get past the affairs. It is possible to do. NONE of us her has a clue which of these are you WS. Many of us only have a clue about our own WS. Some kicked them out so quickly and clearly didnt give a rats azz if their WS was or wasnt honestly doing an about face. Dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. WS'S in LS will read this thread for what it speaks: you give the whole truth you end up in divorce. This is not your fault OP, it is the reality. Everything that she did with her AP falls on her. Divorce falls on you, and thats all there is to say about it. Maybe its a good move, maybe down the line you will think you were too hasty. None of us here can tell you which road to peace you will end up on. I personally would have chosen a structured separation before divorce. Others dump their BS in the gutter, inform the united nations, and post on cheaters.com to get their peace. And then there is everything in between. And it has zero to do with the details of the past. It has only to do with our capacities to move forward and choose the life, and love for ourselves. It has nothing to do with the kind of gutter talk here that is surely used to trigger you talking about you wife's blowing her AP in the bedroom. You can choose to become that man if you want and continue to allow these images to haunt and eat at your soul. Always its your choice, just as she made hers. No one here can faithfully tell you if your wife was serious about turning around the situation. Good luck with your choices. You will find happiness in any of them, rest assured. Thank you. I am protecting my finances and moving toward a road that leads to divorce because of the severity of the betrayal and the fact I have continued to find new revelations. Do I have concrete plans to *actually* divorce in place... no. I feel stuck, because in all honesty I don't want a divorce. The problem is you say it is my choice to allow the mind movies that eat at my soul. I'm not sure it is my choice, some can eventually have them turn off others are plagued forever. Because of the length and manner in which she cheated I fear I will plagued with tremendous pain, forever and I don't want that as much as I don't want a divorce either. There are those that post to LS that tell stories of remaining with their spouse for 20 years but never truly recovering rather suffering from a far more empty marriage with mind movies and trust issues and wonder what happened to their lives. I don't want a divorce but I also want to have the kind of specialness I felt for my wife before, that we are a team against the world with trust... to live a life where I don't snap to those horrible images. Is that possible in the context of my betrayal? I don't know. I certainly don't want to live with a woman who wants to continue to cheat, even if she "restrains" her self... is that possible in the context of my betrayal? I don't know. My wife listed to me calmly unload from the beginning the problems I face if I go forward last night. It took over an hour. I think she realized that even now her actions of trickle truth and focus on the practical realities of "reconciliation" were in a way a selfish act just like the affairs... protect herself from shame, protect herself from me leaving. I think she is starting to get that for her to move on and improve herself she needs to let go and realize that she has to sacrifice herself truly for those she hurt and betrayed, even if it means the truth may cause her far more pain if they leave. I know she thinks she will never do this again, and clearly this "D-Day" is totally unlike the private rug sweeping that occurred 7 years when I learned of a "small" indiscretion at her work that I never fully dealt with. I am very, very happy I posted at LS because in a way you all are the people I unloaded this on since this remains so very secret in real life. BUT, I am beginning to wonder if reading post after post of people who were betrayed by their spouses and divorced (often because their spouses clearly made no real effort at remorse, reconciliation, NC etc.) who project their pain onto my situation and wife is fueling my depression over the idea I can't get past in any healthy way her betrayal. After talking with her last night I felt a sliver of hope, but I came back and read this thread and mind movies began and there was the pain all over again. I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I divorcing my wife? Am I rug sweeping? What am I doing? I have no idea... maybe the best way to say it is I have no idea what I or she is capable of anymore or what the future holds. Thanks again fellini. Edited August 26, 2014 by betrayedandhurting 1 Link to post Share on other sites
james1989 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 (edited) Thank you. I am protecting my finances and moving toward a road that leads to divorce because of the severity of the betrayal and the fact I have continued to find new revelations. Do I have concrete plans to *actually* divorce in place... no. I feel stuck, because in all honesty I don't want a divorce. The problem is you say it is my choice to allow the mind movies that eat at my soul. I'm not sure it is my choice, some can eventually have them turn off others are plagued forever. Because of the length and manner in which she cheated I fear I will plagued with tremendous pain, forever and I don't want that as much as I don't want a divorce either. There are those that post to LS that tell stories of remaining with their spouse for 20 years but never truly recovering rather suffering from a far more empty marriage with mind movies and trust issues and wonder what happened to their lives. I don't want a divorce but I also want to have the kind of specialness I felt for my wife before, that we are a team against the world with trust... to live a life where I don't snap to those horrible images. Is that possible in the context of my betrayal? I don't know. I certainly don't want to live with a woman who wants to continue to cheat, even if she "restrains" her self... is that possible in the context of my betrayal? I don't know. My wife listed to me calmly unload from the beginning the problems I face if I go forward last night. It took over an hour. I think she realized that even now her actions of trickle truth and focus on the practical realities of "reconciliation" were in a way a selfish act just like the affairs... protect herself from shame, protect herself from me leaving. I think she is starting to get that for her to move on and improve herself she needs to let go and realize that she has to sacrifice herself truly for those she hurt and betrayed, even if it means the truth may cause her far more pain if they leave. I know she thinks she will never do this again, and clearly this "D-Day" is totally unlike the private rug sweeping that occurred 7 years when I learned of a "small" indiscretion at her work that I never fully dealt with. I am very, very happy I posted at LS because in a way you all are the people I unloaded this on since this remains so very secret in real life. BUT, I am beginning to wonder if reading post after post of people who were betrayed by their spouses and divorced (often because their spouses clearly made no real effort at remorse, reconciliation, NC etc.) who project their pain onto my situation and wife is fueling my depression over the idea I can't get past in any healthy way her betrayal. After talking with her last night I felt a sliver of hope, but I came back and read this thread and mind movies began and there was the pain all over again. I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I divorcing my wife? Am I rug sweeping? What am I doing? I have no idea... maybe the best way to say it is I have no idea what I or she is capable of anymore or what the future holds. Thanks again fellini. Yes you are rug sweeping you rug swept the first affair and you are rug sweeping this one as well. she will cheat again i have no doubt about that why shouldn't she???? She has faced no consequences for her actions if you do reconcile ye will have a better marriage than you did while she was having the affair, subconsciously she will feel justified by her actions. Why do you not want a divorce??? for the kids or for her?? Just look at it objectively if one of your friends came to you and said his wife had been cheating on him for half of his 14 year marriage with 2 different guys and the second guy she brought to his house and fu*ked him all over the house for over 2 years and he didint want to divorce her what would you say to him?? Maybe posters are projecting their anger towards your situation or maybe they are telling you the truth while you try to rugsweep and you dont like it Edited August 26, 2014 by james1989 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Hard to tell you to stay, hard to tell you to go- BUT- its still pretty fresh, I know it feels like forever-but they say 2-5 years to heal from this type of thing so.... You are doing right by protecting your assets and preparing for divorce if thats where this heads AND you are doing right by being honest with yourself that for whatever reason you do not want to divorce- All I can say is that decision can wait- you need to get your head right, where you feel good about your decision making and feel better about you- whatever it takes for as long as it takes-look out for you! Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 OP. Do what's in your heart and don't let anybody here dictate what you "should" do. Use LS as an outlet to do information gathering which may help you make a decision only YOU can make. The one poster had good advice to do a trial separation until you can get your head right. This is still way too fresh for you and it is hard to make big decisions while dealing with the mountain of pain that just got tossed on you at the snap of a finger. You don't have to do anything instantly. It's a process.. And as far as divorcing goes I don't think it matters where you're shifting your monies. Whatever was built up in your years of marriage will be looked at as half of your wife's. Anything you brought with you pre marriage is yours for the taking. When I spoke with my lawyer he pretty much told me I was screwed for awhile. Alimony, child support and 50% asset splitting. This may differ a little by State but I'm sure it is pretty universal. He sent letters to my wife which she ripped up and was in denial about the divorce. I watched her cry her eyes out when I was leaving. But during that time my wife was still trying to prove to me she wanted only me. Even when I was giving her all the opportunity in the world to be with the OM. She still pursued me. So right before I filed with the court I came back home and the rest has been history. Do I know if she's going to cheat again? Nope. Does it seem like she's remorseful? Yes. I got to take a step back and watch her actions. If it wasn't for the actions she took I would be divorced right now. And cheating was a deal breaker and laid out to her in the infancy of our marriage. It's nice to speculate what anybody would do in these situations but when that hand grenade goes off it's usually a different story. Each person handles things differently. Good luck again. I just hope you find the peace you need soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 It's all possible. For example she never told ANYONE, not a single friend, that she was having an affair. (And I believe her). This secret she carried by herself the entire time. Some WS pride themselves on the extreme measures they go through not to get caught. To them it demonstrates how very much they care about their family. At some level many think that they’re working with a net. (i.e. Their BS will ultimately take them back in the unlikely event they’re caught). I think some things have been established. You wife has no internal compass that will prevent her from cheating. I doubt that she can develop one at her age. However, she cheated under perfect conditions. (i.e. You were away for days and the thought of her cheating never entered your mind). Having your spouse’s absolute trust is a huge advantage when cheating and now she has lost it. She could very well be faithful from now on because the risk has gone up from zero and she has used her “get out of jail free card.” I would sometimes ask my married male friends if they would cheat under these conditions: You have a magic room in your house that only you can enter. Inside is a hot woman that is also magic, kind of the ultimate blow up doll. No risk of getting caught, no hurt feelings, no pregnancy, no STDs. All of them said they would cheat. I think your wife thought she was in that kind of situation. (OM and OMW were monogamous therefore no STDs. Tubes tied therefore no pregnancy risk). Now that the perfect conditions are gone she should be much less likely to cheat again. She has touched the hot stove and never wants to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Thank you. I am protecting my finances and moving toward a road that leads to divorce because of the severity of the betrayal and the fact I have continued to find new revelations. Do I have concrete plans to *actually* divorce in place... no. I feel stuck, because in all honesty I don't want a divorce. The problem is you say it is my choice to allow the mind movies that eat at my soul. I'm not sure it is my choice, some can eventually have them turn off others are plagued forever. Because of the length and manner in which she cheated I fear I will plagued with tremendous pain, forever and I don't want that as much as I don't want a divorce either. There are those that post to LS that tell stories of remaining with their spouse for 20 years but never truly recovering rather suffering from a far more empty marriage with mind movies and trust issues and wonder what happened to their lives. I don't want a divorce but I also want to have the kind of specialness I felt for my wife before, that we are a team against the world with trust... to live a life where I don't snap to those horrible images. Is that possible in the context of my betrayal? I don't know. I certainly don't want to live with a woman who wants to continue to cheat, even if she "restrains" her self... is that possible in the context of my betrayal? I don't know. My wife listed to me calmly unload from the beginning the problems I face if I go forward last night. It took over an hour. I think she realized that even now her actions of trickle truth and focus on the practical realities of "reconciliation" were in a way a selfish act just like the affairs... protect herself from shame, protect herself from me leaving. I think she is starting to get that for her to move on and improve herself she needs to let go and realize that she has to sacrifice herself truly for those she hurt and betrayed, even if it means the truth may cause her far more pain if they leave. I know she thinks she will never do this again, and clearly this "D-Day" is totally unlike the private rug sweeping that occurred 7 years when I learned of a "small" indiscretion at her work that I never fully dealt with. I am very, very happy I posted at LS because in a way you all are the people I unloaded this on since this remains so very secret in real life. BUT, I am beginning to wonder if reading post after post of people who were betrayed by their spouses and divorced (often because their spouses clearly made no real effort at remorse, reconciliation, NC etc.) who project their pain onto my situation and wife is fueling my depression over the idea I can't get past in any healthy way her betrayal. After talking with her last night I felt a sliver of hope, but I came back and read this thread and mind movies began and there was the pain all over again. I have a lot of thinking to do. Am I divorcing my wife? Am I rug sweeping? What am I doing? I have no idea... maybe the best way to say it is I have no idea what I or she is capable of anymore or what the future holds. Thanks again fellini. Yes you have been rug sweeping to a degree. You are certainly reluctant to impose your boundary and any real consequences for her. You haven't allowed yourself room to think without her there manipulating you. What did you learn for yourself in counseling? Fear is driving you - your decisions. Look at the fears to overcome them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 My family is burning while he laughs at having bagged another mans wife in another's mans home for 2 1/2 years without having to even spend a dollar on her and he is even more affluent than us. He's quite the cock of the walk, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 (edited) The problem is you say it is my choice to allow the mind movies that eat at my soul. I'm not sure it is my choice, some can eventually have them turn off others are plagued forever. Because of the length and manner in which she cheated I fear I will plagued with tremendous pain, forever and I don't want that as much as I don't want a divorce either. Sorry, what I meant, by "become that man" is a jaded divorced BS who comes into infidelity forums calling every other BS's spouse a slut, and never letting go of their singular view that all women who commit adultery are sluts, that once a cheat, always a cheat, that a man who takes back his wife has no balls, that any kind and good thing you do is just denial, that there was never a chance, and to dedicate your life on LS telling other BS's the same thing. Zero respect for alternative opinions. That kind of man. If, as you already have said, coming to LS is causing triggers, then at some point you are going to need a break from LS in order to see what real life looks like. You are really really early into post DDAY. 6 - 8 weeks was nothing for me and I cannot imagine how it must be for you based on the betrayal you have had to endure, and will continue to endure regardless of your decisions. This is still recovery mode, reconciliation, whatever that means, (it doesn't necessarily mean staying together either - it might be just about how the two of you are going to conduct yourselves publicly and privately as parents and ex spouses) comes much much later. When you know you have your feet on the ground, and are making decisions based on your own capacity to reason, and not out of panic, fear, horror, disgust, or any other emotion, then you will be in a better position to look at some kind of reconciliation. Reconciliation while you are still lashing out from the pain of discovery is, for me, a counterproductive activity. Edited August 26, 2014 by fellini 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author betrayedandhurting Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Look back at your marriage and that should tell you enough what the future holds. She hasn't learned anything except how to be more secretive with her cheating. She already proved it beyond a shadow of doubt by having a second and longer affair and she knows that your going to do little or nothing about it. Serve her with divorce papers and she will finally see that she pushed you to the wall and time is up. If you choose to reconcile with her (why I don't know) then you can always pull the divorce off the table but she'll know that next time you will push the button and end it. It's your life friend, we can only advise you but you have to be the one to live with your decision so choose wisely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Just don't believe a word she says. I don't know many that have sex for more than 2 years without oral. Affair sex is smoking hot! Not trying to kick a brother when he's down. But this is true! However good you think she is with you she will have done far more, far dirtier with the AP. That's the whole point. No one has affairs for crappy sex! The 'no oral' thing is (in her head) trying to protect you, and to be fair do you really want to know all the details? What she did is less relevant than the fact she did it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author betrayedandhurting Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 I'm never going to use filing for divorce as a way to "prove" to my wife I'm serious. If and when I file it will be because I've actually decided I have to get a divorce. I get I can change my mind but many seem to imply at a minimum (I know most of you think I should just divorce and be done with her) I should file to "test" her reaction. Whatever. When I file it is because I'm done. If in the meanwhile she thinks my lack of filing is a weakness she can enjoy being served without warning or any chance of reconciliation the moment I catch her today, tomorrow, or 20 years from now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 She didn't tell her work why she quit. It was quite the stir as she was popular there and gave zero notice so there was speculation. I don't think anyone guessed. I've worked at three major nyc law firms and infidelity is not uncommon. There are no secrets in an office. They know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 OP I just want you to know that there are WS who do "get it" and who do learn, grow and change. That there are marriages that do successfully and happily reconcile from long term affairs. It is far from easy, it takes years and it takes absolute commitment from both husband and wife but it can be done. Do what you decide is right for you. Do not do what others tell you is right for you. Make your own decisions when you are ready to do so. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author betrayedandhurting Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 I've worked at three major nyc law firms and infidelity is not uncommon. There are no secrets in an office. They know. I agree. I'm sure his behavior made it clear she was "special" to him at a minimum and her quitting with no notice and not even going back to clean out her locker stirred the rumor mill. For the first few weeks tons of coworkers texted their concerns which my wife responded to vaguely with goodbyes, a few closer colleagues she asked to "pray for her" which only served to stir up the rumor mill more. She then (unprompted by me) dropped every coworker from her Facebook (about 40 of them) and cold turkey stopped responding to their texts or emails and then have pretty much stopped trying to contact her now. I am sure they have their strong accurate suspicions why she quit but the other slightly plausible story that some believe was since I just got a big job promotions with large salary increase she felt she "no longer needed to work." Anyways none of this matters, I don't care anymore if anyone suspect anything... after all it's true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Friend, your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. Had you not caught her she'd still be leaving the kids with her mom while she's spread out on his office desk. Worse yet, this guy would be cleaning up in your shower before he goes home to his wife while your children are sleeping in the next room. Is there anything she can do that would make you mad enough to protect yourself from another cuckolding? The OP has been a strong advocate for his wife on this thread. Usually Wayward Spouses need professional help. Does this guy enjoy being cuckolded? Maybe there's some issues that a professional can work on. Only he can answer. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 I'm never going to use filing for divorce as a way to "prove" to my wife I'm serious. If and when I file it will be because I've actually decided I have to get a divorce. I get I can change my mind but many seem to imply at a minimum (I know most of you think I should just divorce and be done with her) I should file to "test" her reaction. Whatever. When I file it is because I'm done. If in the meanwhile she thinks my lack of filing is a weakness she can enjoy being served without warning or any chance of reconciliation the moment I catch her today, tomorrow, or 20 years from now. This is the smart thing to do. I think the reality is you're just hurting too much to make a sound decision. Give yourself time for you to regain your footing and then you'll know what to do. Pressuring yourself to do anything right now is just more than you need to deal with right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 I can't imagine that she hasn't consistently done enough damage that you don't file. This woman (and I use that word generously) holds all the power. You have such hope that she will change but no evidence she will. In fact, all your evidence shows she's MORE than likely to cheat again. If not on you - then the next guy she pretends to be married to. Take some of your power back - you're still handing it all to her. She's not acting sorry she did it or she would have been doing significant things FOR YOU to have some peace of mind 8 weeks ago - like getting her std test done then. Offering to move out so you can think clearly and changing herself by digging deep to fix what is broken inside of herself. For her to think she's "cured" is absurd - she's just sorry you caught her again. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 The OP has been a strong advocate for his wife on this thread. This is as predictable as the sun rising in the east. I guess its in a man's DNA to minimize his own emotional damage by propping up his wife. Its a defense mechanism that softens us from the hard, disgusting truth. OP: I told you early on that more disgusting details would be revealed. As you try to understand and deal with the whole mess you are going to ask more questions and realize some of what she tells you doesn't add up. In other words, the trickle-truth is not going to end until you are satisfied you know enough and stop asking questions. Since my wife, like most WW's, has never and will never tell me the whole truth I am angry at her condescending view that she is "protecting" me. I hope you don't need the full truth because you will never get it. Soon after you posted "you were all right" as the crushing truths began to trickle out, you implored us not to say "we told you so" as if you think we feel satisfied to be right. I certainly don't feel that way, I just know how this plays out. You say you don't want a divorce and, of course, most of us understand where you are coming from. Just a couple of months ago your marriage and family life were good and that is what you want to return to. Divorce was unthinkable in that picture so is very hard to understand how you could get to this place now. You are on a roller coaster ride and it ain't a fun one. Its going to last for a long time so strap yourself in. I will implore you one final time to focus on yourself right now and do what's best for your own mental health. When the depth of her horrific behavior begins to sink in (it really hasn't yet) you will need a counselor in your corner to help you through it. Link to post Share on other sites
James-London Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Hey OP - I just tuned back in to this thread. There are a couple of people on here saying that you have to show her that there are "consequences" to her actions. The thing is, you can't really punish her. Its not like you can lock her in her room without any dinner or something like that. Its just not practical. The only thing you can really do to show her that she can't get away with her behaviour is to get a divorce. That's all you can really do to prove you are serious and mean business. However, that begs the question: "what's the point?". So I don't really get what people are talking about when they say that she has to be shown there are consequences. The other thing people are doing a lot in this thread is to talk about all the physical stuff she did with the AP in your home. Is that really productive? I'm sure you are painfully aware of this already and it is just triggering mind movies. Btw - you are having mind movies now, but they will fade away. That is for sure. After a while you may still have mind movies but they will have diminishing emotional content. And then you will eventually have none at all. One thing I suggested a while back would be for her to take actions to expose the OM. I think this will make you feel a whole lot better, even if it doesn't effect the final outcome. And it will feel better to have your wife taking your side in that. Also, I don't see why you should not ask your wife to basically admit to her community what she did. I think that would be a major sacrifice on her part, rather than just all of these tears. But that is your call - it would make me feel a load better in your situation, but I understand if you are worried to protect your own (and kids') reputation in the community. Although there is really nothing for you to feel ashamed of here. One other thing I would pick up on is how your wife says that she wishes it never happened and it was all not worth it. I think the thing to remember here is that she really wanted to cheat on you. It was really no accident or misjudgement on her part. If she did not get caught, she would 100% be carrying on. When she says she wished it never happened, she really means that she wished she never got caught. Obviously, those are two different things. Also - did you get the results of the paternity test? When do they come through? I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I would just say that if you learnt some more truth, would it make things any more painful for you? She has cheated as much as anyone can really cheat. So, I don't think this will get worse for you. As you get over the shock over the next few weeks and months, you will get stronger. I don't think you can fix your wife. And you can't unknown what you now know. If can't imagine how it is possible to reconcile without implicitly condoning what she did. Also, she really had no intention of stopping her cheating. For these two reasons (but probably other reasons too), I recommend divorce.... Maybe one day (like after a 2 or 3 years) she can coherently and calmly explain why you were not enough for her (and without all the BS). However, it needs to be a story that really makes sense. And it will likely include significant information that you do not yet know about her... I would also recommend that you move on and meet someone else ASAP after your divorce. Let her know about your new GF. I would also encourage your future ex-wife to meet someone for herself. It would be interesting to see if that happens and whether she can remain faithful to him... anyway, just a few ideas there. hope that is helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
james1989 Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 Hey OP - I just tuned back in to this thread. There are a couple of people on here saying that you have to show her that there are "consequences" to her actions. The thing is, you can't really punish her. Its not like you can lock her in her room without any dinner or something like that. Its just not practical. The only thing you can really do to show her that she can't get away with her behaviour is to get a divorce. That's all you can really do to prove you are serious and mean business. However, that begs the question: "what's the point?". So I don't really get what people are talking about when they say that she has to be shown there are consequences. The other thing people are doing a lot in this thread is to talk about all the physical stuff she did with the AP in your home. Is that really productive? I'm sure you are painfully aware of this already and it is just triggering mind movies. Btw - you are having mind movies now, but they will fade away. That is for sure. After a while you may still have mind movies but they will have diminishing emotional content. And then you will eventually have none at all. One thing I suggested a while back would be for her to take actions to expose the OM. I think this will make you feel a whole lot better, even if it doesn't effect the final outcome. And it will feel better to have your wife taking your side in that. Also, I don't see why you should not ask your wife to basically admit to her community what she did. I think that would be a major sacrifice on her part, rather than just all of these tears. But that is your call - it would make me feel a load better in your situation, but I understand if you are worried to protect your own (and kids') reputation in the community. Although there is really nothing for you to feel ashamed of here. One other thing I would pick up on is how your wife says that she wishes it never happened and it was all not worth it. I think the thing to remember here is that she really wanted to cheat on you. It was really no accident or misjudgement on her part. If she did not get caught, she would 100% be carrying on. When she says she wished it never happened, she really means that she wished she never got caught. Obviously, those are two different things. Also - did you get the results of the paternity test? When do they come through? I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I would just say that if you learnt some more truth, would it make things any more painful for you? She has cheated as much as anyone can really cheat. So, I don't think this will get worse for you. As you get over the shock over the next few weeks and months, you will get stronger. I don't think you can fix your wife. And you can't unknown what you now know. If can't imagine how it is possible to reconcile without implicitly condoning what she did. Also, she really had no intention of stopping her cheating. For these two reasons (but probably other reasons too), I recommend divorce.... Maybe one day (like after a 2 or 3 years) she can coherently and calmly explain why you were not enough for her (and without all the BS). However, it needs to be a story that really makes sense. And it will likely include significant information that you do not yet know about her... I would also recommend that you move on and meet someone else ASAP after your divorce. Let her know about your new GF. I would also encourage your future ex-wife to meet someone for herself. It would be interesting to see if that happens and whether she can remain faithful to him... anyway, just a few ideas there. hope that is helpful. She has to be shown there are consequences for her actions because the first affair was rug swept and looked at what happened wouldn't telling the community about her affair be a consequence. Yeah i regret mentioning all the physical stuff in my posts i shouldn't have done that im sorry op you have been through enough you dont need me piling on you with reminders. Link to post Share on other sites
Author betrayedandhurting Posted August 26, 2014 Author Share Posted August 26, 2014 ok... Std results in hand, clear. Paternity results in 2 more days... I'm confident that will be fine. will not reveal to the "community" until I decide 100% to divorce as the blow back while very deserved for my wife will impact the kids without question. with a divorce however that will be unavoidable. is there no chance that see compartmentalizing and knowing conducted this evil behavior for deep seeded weaknesses that in IC can be addressed and her remorse is not just seeing the pain that she got caught but the light if day being shown on her behavior and the breakdown of the wall between her two lives now makes it clearer that the other behavior itself was wrong, not worth it and that she really wants to focus on her family. look maybe in a day, a week, or six months I realize i for sure can't live with what happened but today, right now my wife seems remorseful, in IC and desperate to save her family and our marriage. I can't let to yet but I wouldn't call the way we are now in reconciliation at all. Link to post Share on other sites
James-London Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 James1989 is right - telling the community would be a genuine consequence, especially given that she seems to care about what people think about her. If the OM has a wife (I forget), then getting her to be complicit in revealing all that to OM's wife, his colleagues and anyone else that the OM would NOT want to know about this is a bonus too. To be honest, I think it would have been better for the W to reveal what she did to her mother (with you there). But that's a small point. However, other than this, I can't really think of any other "consequences". I'm not even sure if these things are enough to stop her from doing it again. I suspect it may well just make her be much, much more careful next time. I guess giving "consequences" to actions kind of makes sense when you are toilet training for a puppy. But it doesn't make much sense when dealing without an adult. People NEVER, NEVER change unless they want to change themselves for themselves. And even when they want to change, it is pretty rare that they actually do. This is one of the big lessons of life that we all learn and have to accept. I guess you could do the above things for the "feel good" factor of getting your own back. It would certainly make me feel a little better. But, this is really a superficial victory. In the grand scheme of things, your wife will never be able to do anything to make up for what she did. She can apologise. She can do these gestures. But people who hurt other people can never really do anything to make up for the hurt they caused. That is another big life lesson that we all have to accept. If you can, get out of town for a few days with a buddy. Don't talk about it too much. Drink some beers over baseball, or whatever American people do to let of steam. Just do stuff that makes you laugh. Just make sure you are distracted for a while from all of this. It will help you processing things in your brain. And go off on a spa day too, if you can. Those are really good treats! . Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 B&H only you can decide this for yourself, all we can do is give you our experience's including expecting more trickle truth as you discover the true depth of the rabbit hole. You both have to be committed to reconciliation equally and be prepared for years of hard work, if one of you isn't don't waste anymore time on a lost cause. Please talk to a lawyer about an ironclad post nuptial agreement, perhaps she understands poverty more than she does boundaries(regardless of what some may tell you about enforcing them, this is about future deterrents). Take time away from her, send her to mom so you can think straight. This will show her what life without you will look like, it also will give you a taste of life without her will be like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
James-London Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 aliveagain - could have a possible idea for a 3rd "consequence" that i was talking about. Get her to agree to a post-nup or divorce settlement where she is stung financially. Not sure why she would agree to that though if there was no upside in getting you back. perhaps you could make an empty promise about remarrying her in a few years or something? also, as AA says - why is she not currently living at her mother's place? You can hire a nanny (preferably a young and hot one) to do stuff around the house. You can agree times she can see the kids. If you want to meet to chat about things, then you can always arrange to meet. But I really think you need space from her right now. Space to think.... Prolonged periods of stress can really mess with a person's ability to think straight. Link to post Share on other sites
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