D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[woinlove]

I think your plan of spending some time apart is a good one. The fact that you want it is one big thing in its favor. You have so much pain and hurt to heal from, you need to take care of yourself.

 

Studies show the best indicator of whether someone will be happy married is whether they are happy alone. From the behavior displayed by people who cheat, it seems very few (any?) of them are happy alone. If your wife is motivated by fear of being alone, her "change" may dissipate when she feels more secure in her M. Much better if she does the work to learn to be happy in herself, to love herself, with her M adding further depth, happiness and love to her life. Much of that has to be a personal journey and spending some time alone is compatible with her doing the work to really change.

[betrayedandhurting]

I think a huge part of the length of these affairs was the compartmentalizations. To my wife it didn't feel "real" that she was cheating and felt it had nothing to do with her "real" life. This woman loves her kids like no other, maybe she loves me too but she sure as hell loves her kids. The depth of the compartmentization to not consider that if she got found out it could cost her kids is staggering. She needs to feel what it feels like to be without them part of the week not just to see what she has risked but also to understand what I have always sacrificed in my job since their birth, a job which she perhaps selfishly thought was a nice escape for me and made her bitter enough when I left to replace me when I was gone.

Edited August 28, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[betrayedandhurting]

 

First of all, OP is going to be thinking with her influnce regardless of where she is, in this case he will be influenced by her lack of presence. And he said it as he meant it: to see if he might in fact be just as happy apart as together. He may still love his wife but choose not to live with her.

 

I seriously seriously hope that this whole excercise is not just to get her to feel what her world is without OP, because that is a completely disfunctional purpose to be with someone.

 

It's both. I'm codependent I know it. I fearful of doing day to day tasks I haven't had to for more than a decade. I need to see what my life is like without my wife in it. But it's also important for her to see what life is like without me and without the kids part of the time. A big part of my wife's affairs were a compartmentilization of her life where she thought the affairs weren't "real" and weren't and would have any effect on her husband or children. I want my wife to want only me for me but she will have to forever know that if she crosses the line again what the consequences are and she will have already seen what that was like.

Edited August 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

Ok a few updates...

 

1. The paternity results came back a day early and for the first time in 8 weeks I can say it is good news. No matter what happens in my marriage I know those kids are mine, and they are amazing.

 

2. I am on the road for work 3 or 4 days a week as a pilot. The reality of divorce for me is that I likely would have my kids on my days off which is basically what I have today. Divorce for my wife would be eye opening, in 9 years she has spent perhaps 6 or 7 nights away from them in total (and those were "fun" nights away with me), and only on a single occasion more than 1 consecutive day... so I told her to leave. I don't work until Sunday so tomorrow she is moving out to her Mom's until she returns Saturday night after they go to bed and I lhousuy morning. Until I decide otherwise this is a trial separation for me to see the realities of what life would be like without my wife and for my wife to see what it will be like the half of the week she sits alone by herself, no husband, no kids. If she chooses to cheat or gets fed up and wants a divorce... good, she made my decision for me. If I find I'm happier without her and my kids get plenty of quality time then also good, that makes my decision easier. Do we have a set time frame? I don't know... I don't want the kids to suffer (they are broken up about this but hopeful since we said we "hoped" this wouldn't be permeant but I refused to promise) so I doubt this will be more than a month UNLESS I decide to go forward with a divorce immediately because I just want her to have a taste of life as it will be if she doesn't get with the program but not make my kids suffer needlessly if I am not prepared to move forward with a divorce yet. I don't know, but I know that I have to do this otherwise she literally suffers no consequence at all.

 

PS: She begged for me not to do this and is *devastated* to have to be away from the children but when I held firm she said "I understand and will do anything you ask of me. I will not cheat. I will do anything and for any length of time for you to see I will do what is necessary to fix this."

 

 

I think that is all reasonable and fair. I think that is a good course of action at this point.

 

I agree with the statement below that whichever way this goes, it will be helpful to you to work through all of this without her in the house with all her constant pleading and promises and trying to suck your d!ck. With her out of your face you will be able to evaluate the situation and come up with rational decisions based on facts and not on tears.

 

I do want to also add I think you are doing 100% the right thing by letting her know that the jury is still out on what you are ultimately going to do and by not having a definite timeline. If you were to say that you are going to be separate for a month and then get back together, all she has to do is keep up with the promises and mark time for month and then she gets her cushy life back. It will have no real impact because you have already committed to keeping her.

 

It's important for her to know the separation is indefinite and that at any point you can initiate the self-destruct-sequence. Anyone can cross their legs and fake it for a month. It's a whole other story to not know what the future has in store for you and to know that there is no safety net.

 

I also want to add one more thing in regards to the kids. It's a church-lady myth that children are always harmed by divorce. They're not. Children are harmed by abuse, chemical addiction/alcoholism, infidelity and living in hostile or toxic environments.

 

They are not harmed by two sober, involved, supportive, loving parents who take care of them from two separate houses. They may be inconvenienced at times by being shuffled back and forth but they are not harmed or damaged by divorce in and of itself.

 

Your wife may be a shtty wife, but nothing you've said indicates she is a neglectful or abusive mother (unless she's doing these other dudes with the kids in the house, buts that's another topic)

 

These kids have already been raised with you gone for days at a stretch and then being with you for days, so the only difference to them is the two different houses .

 

Don't let your wife or priest or any of the church ladies guilt you into making them live in a toxic situation because they think you need to stay "for the children" because that's BS. Children are more harmed by being in a bad home where parents have contempt for each other rather than two homes where there's peace.

 

(I realise you two did not have contempt for each other two months and a day ago. That will be different going into the future)

[oldshirt]

Seriously, fellini what is the purpose of your belittling response? The reason for my suggestion to send her to her mothers(I believe this has been suggested at least 3 or 4 times by me in previous posts to betrayedandhurting) is to give him space so he can think straight without her influence clouding his decision. Only a moron would suggest he won't be thinking about her and the situation 24/7 with or without her present.

 

Again the purpose of the time apart is not for her to miss life with him(that is a taste of her new reality a bonus if you will of his action) but again, to allow him to think clearly without her being all over him like a cheap suit.

 

You are doing the right thing betrayedandhurting and no matter what you decide in the end, you will survive this.

 

I agree ^^^^^^^

[James-London]

Probably a little oversensitive from Fellini. But still, any apology is due to Fellini, not only to betrayedandhurting. The below is a classic example of blame shifting from AliveAgain. Something he rails against whenever he reads stories of a cheating spouse doing this. Seems we all have a high horse!

 

Fellini I hope you change your mind because you give good advice. Something is going on in your life and I am sorry you are having this experience. We all do our best to share our successes' and failures with betrayedandhurting in hopes that we can spare him additional pain. Hope you think it through Fellini. Sorry betrayedandhurting for jacking your thread.

[Silveron]

Betrayed,

 

 

You need to ask yourself what do you really want? Take a step back and stop analyzing everything. Is there anything SHE could do to take all the hurt away? Probably not. What she is doing right now is everything a wife could do. Most wives in this scenario won't accept that they have a problem and willing to fix it.

 

 

One mistake (doesn't matter how long the mistake is) doesn't define a person. We all make mistakes. You also need to do soul searching and find the mistakes YOU made in this marriage. Granted this does not justify her cheating on you but in order for you to forgive and love again you must approach this situation from both sides. You are not perfect, you made mistakes and it's the perfect time to confront them.

 

 

Pushing her out for separation is a punishment towards her. You know that, be honest with yourself. You can't work on a marriage when you are not together. Doing this because you know deep inside this will terrorize her will give you some sort of payback? Don't inflict more pain into a situation.

 

 

From your posts you love her and it's apparent she loves you very much as well. The root of the issue with her cheating isn't you, it lies somewhere deep inside that only counseling will get to. Pull the weed out by the root and all those leaves (problems) will not come back. You two are being smart about counseling but you also have to get over this rage because it's only going to cause the demise of your marriage.

 

 

Take her out, have fun. Bring the kids along. Talk to her! Talk and listen! What I mean by that is ask her these deep questions about the affair and don't interrupt her.

 

 

What if she were to die today. What would your feelings be? Looking at her grave would you then forgive her? Would you then want to bring her back so you could move on to better things with her? There are also no guarantees that your life would be better with someone else, you have to start from square one and hope a lot of thing go the right way.

 

 

Also look up the seven stages of grief, it's something everyone goes through when their spouse dies or cheats. It might help you what to expect in the coming months.

Edited August 28, 2014 by Silveron

[James-London]

one thing in your favour, OP, is that there is a remarkable lack of blame shifting and denial from her side. The vast majority of WSs do lots of this. True - she did fail to tell you everything on d-day, but that was probably more because she was scared than because she felt you didn't need to know. Her behaviour since d-day has been pretty exemplary, especially in the way she got rid of the OM.

 

I guess this lends weight to your analysis that there is something psychologically wrong with her that she could do this for so long. I would tread carefully though, as I don't know if her behaviour is a ruse. It is also worth considering whether or not she is fixable... If not, could you live with a cheating wife?

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am not going to tell you to divorce, that is a decision only you can make. I don't think that I know everything about your relationship in a few paragraphs. However, like others on here I would like to share what I had to learn the hard way, so that you don't have to go through unnecessary pain. I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties are willing to put in the work to solve the problems.

 

First both of you have to recognize that there are problems and start by being completely honest with one another. There can be no protecting the other persons feelings at the expense of honesty. You also have to know you are going to hear things you are not going to like, but that is the cost of honesty. Also you have already acknowledge that there is a risk that you are opening yourself up to pain, but that is a calculated chance you have to take to reconcile.

 

Secondly, I only recommend separations if they are planned and have a plan to fix the problems. There need to be ground rules that set the framework for childcare, visitation, finances, etc. I would recommend the following.

 

1.) No contact for 30 days, except as is necessary for childcare and visitation. No chit-chat, text, email, phone calls. This is needed to provide clarity for both of you.

2.) 30-60 days add family days and light dating, you can add intimacy, but no sex. Counseling would be recommended as well. No over night stays.

3.) 60-90 days, continue family days, but add sex to the mix and date nights. Over night stays are ok, if both agree.

 

At the end 90 days, you need to develop plan to reconcile or divorce, depending on what you two decide. Up reconciliation both need to surrender media, devices and passwords. You have to learn work together to be successful. With all the technology of today, there is no reason why you can't see and talk as a family every day. It is essential for your marriage and a good lesson for your children to learn. Best of luck to you and your family.

[oldshirt]

 

Pushing her out for separation is a punishment towards her. You know that, be honest with yourself. You can't work on a marriage when you are not together. Doing this because you know deep inside this will terrorize her will give you some sort of payback? Don't inflict more pain into a situation.

 

 

You two are being smart about counseling but you also have to get over this rage because it's only going to cause the demise of your marriage.

 

 

Take her out, have fun. Bring the kids along. Talk to her! Talk and listen! What I mean by that is ask her these deep questions about the affair and don't interrupt her.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

Your advice above may be good if he had decided to reconcile and made a commitment to work things out and stay together.

 

But just to get you caught up on the last 30 pages of dialog, he is currently undecided on which way to go.

 

It is very valid to have her out of the house while he does more fact-finding and weighing the pros and cons of reconciliation vs divorce.

 

Getting her out of the house is not so much about "punishment" as it is about letting the dust settle and clearing his head to think rationally and decide what he is going to do.

 

If he decides to take her back, then he can have her return to the house and begin the reconciliation process (assuming she chooses to return also).

 

If he chooses divorce, they already have a head start on living separately.

 

When the decision is made to reconcile and stay together, it is best to both be under the same roof. However if that decision has not yet been reached, separation is a valid strategy.

[italianjob]

It is also worth considering whether or not she is fixable... If not, could you live with a cheating wife?

 

I think in the end the point is all there.

Her past behaviour shows she can compartimentalize very easily, and is somehow addicted to have someone on the side. It doesn't look like she can change easily if at all.

IMO there's a very big chance of cheating happening again in the future. It's up to you to decide if you're ready to run this risk.

[drifter777]

I think the trial separation is the perfect course of action right now. There's a lot of talk about how this will "show her what its like to be without you" - and I suppose that's true - but much more important in my mind is what it will do for you. You get to think about your next steps without the influence of her tears or offers of sex or anything else. You will see that being a good father has little to do with whether you live with the children's mother. Many things will likely trigger mind-movies and horrible thoughts of her with OM, but I think not seeing her face every day reduces those triggers dramatically. You will also begin to regain your self-esteem because you are taking action instead of just reacting to the situation. No matter what happens next, the separation is a great course of action at this time.

 

PS - her ability to compartmentalize things like cheating on you for 7 years is definitely NOT a good thing. It is part of being a narcissist, and she is able to rationalize any of her actions no matter how deplorable.

Edited August 28, 2014 by drifter777

[2sunny]

I think a huge part of the length of these affairs was the compartmentalizations. To my wife it didn't feel "real" that she was cheating and felt it had nothing to do with her "real" life. This woman loves her kids like no other, maybe she loves me too but she sure as hell loves her kids. The depth of the compartmentization to not consider that if she got found out it could cost her kids is staggering. She needs to feel what it feels like to be without them part of the week not just to see what she has risked but also to understand what I have always sacrificed in my job since their birth, a job which she perhaps selfishly thought was a nice escape for me and made her bitter enough when I left to replace me when I was gone.

 

That level of ability to compartmentaling is something specific I hope her counselor works with her on - and allows her to "see" just how destructive it is.

 

It's essentially working to grow her a conscience - if that's even possible.

 

Have you read "CoDependent No More" by Melodie Beattie?

 

What did your Pastor/priest say today?

Edited August 28, 2014 by 2sunny

[betrayedandhurting]

I'm about done posting for the week because I don't think I can handle it anymore and need time away from LS for maybe a week... a whole week with nothing book/forum/internet/online related to "affairs".

 

ok let me have it...

 

i went to have a 10 minute meeting with our pastor to pray for me and my family. it turned into over 3 hours. he never once advocated for me to stay or talked frankly about a faith based reason to honor my vows etc. He was pretty sad it happened. he is a married catholic priest (they exist) which is unique and we talked it all through and frankly he was more insightful that our therapist has been.

 

highlights?

 

- to say my wife cheated because after we had kids she was stressed out and our marriage changed to focus on the children is a cop out and easy answer that cures nothing. it may well have to do with the affair but there is something underlying in her that causes this.

 

- my wife's *real* issues go back as far as her childhood. a constant desire for 1) perfection in everything she does and 2) validation for her effort all goes back to the deepest reaches of who she is as a person. it maybe caused by the difficult relationship she had with her mother where she excelled and excelled and excelled and was never ever good enough.

 

- my wife wasn't "miserable" in our marriage, she was just always miserable. her efforts and validation throughout her life were always to tame her depression and sadness at any failure she perceived (true or not). my wife has acted out in high school (A student with no "drama" but when stressed by an issue with a friend created a fake suicide scare to attract the attention of teachers and her parents for example) and continued to act out in college (dating me she had dependency issues and suffered extreme attachment issues where she had unhealthy amounts of sadness/depression when i couldn't be with her constantly etc.) there were other warning signs with parents of friends asking her not to be "perfect" and rely so much on her friends (not boyfriends but friends) validation of her, but to be secure in herself or go to therapy. She also had great pain in some years from strained family relations as an adult with her parents and brother.

 

- my wife was most "stable" when we became engaged and during the first 5-6 years of marriage before we had kids. this maybe because the new marriage and singular focus on each other kept the volcano at bay.

 

- when kids came a normal and healthy shift to focus on them caused her to begin to feel depressed as the stress of motherhood, cristisms of how we delt with our young daughters colic and other issues weighed on her. the sadness/depression was not just due to this but fed directly to her issues with needing to not disappoint others, achieve perfection herself etc. she likely didn't want to tell me of her pain because telling me that she was stressed by our "perfect" daughter or couldn't handle the changes in our lives would imply she wasn't a "perfect mother or wife". when she began to get validation outside the marriage from men it helped control her feelings of pain and helplessness and she didn't stop it.

 

- the physical affair began as new levels of pain where reached when a family issue caused severe levels of strain between my in-laws, brother-in-law, and our family that she couldn't/wouldn't deal with and so upped her horrible behavior to compensate. she also admits she felt like she was "disappointing him" after 3 years of him wanting to become physical and her saying no and him getting frustrated. she was afraid to lose his affirmation.

 

- her "work" toward fixing our marriage to date has been superficial and destined to failure. she wants to be ****MORE PERFECT**** to fix the problem when it is her need to not fail that often drives her internal pain and ultimate causes her to act out. she is not going back nearly deep enough to see the root cause of behavior in her life and instead hanging her hat on a moment in time that may well have to do with the affairs but in no way addresses the real source of the behavior over time.

 

-> so summary: my wife is deeply broken. she has a history from childhood of seeking affirmation from others by striving for perfection in ever aspect of her life. she puts too much on her plate and tries to be perfect in it all leading to great stress. she over blows the meaning of many things in her life. all of this has lead to great pain for decades which she manages by trying to constantly be better and achieve affirmation from others (not just affairs). our marriage itself improved this pain for her but the newness of marriage wore out and with kids coming along the old pain came back. to admit this pain would have been to admit failure and weakness and so she didn't tell me. when she found herself in these affairs they all started slowly as friendships that provided affirmation and helped dampen the pain and slowly they grew into affairs.

 

these are not excuses. my wife did all the horrible things i have written and did them for years. i don't believe any of this is her unsatification with me or our marriage but with unsatisifcation with herself. there is a volcano in my wife and when the pain gets to much it blows up, in the form of affairs but maybe in breakdowns and cries for attention too. if my wife does not take huge action to understand the nature of her pain and how she has inappropriately delt with it over the years we are destined to see her repeat her behavior, either in the form of an affair or other self-destructive behavior. her actions so far in time will actually make her pain worse.

 

now the part where you all kill me. she was set to leave. the kids knew. i told her to stay. i'm still in the other room but i don't want to punish her and i don't want her away. i know it is harmful but it is what it is, i want my wife here. if she crosses the lines i have set now we will divorce in the meanwhile i am back in the holding pattern.

 

i need to ease off LS for a while soon, by the weekend for sure. i need to just BE with my family and see what happens.

Edited August 28, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[james1989]

B+H its your life and its your choice.

 

but you just listed excuses for her affair to justify your decision to rug sweep

[betrayedandhurting]

B+H its your life and its your choice.

 

but you just listed excuses for her affair to justify your decision to rug sweep

 

Sure. Obviously you can say, twice a cheater, super LTA, in your own home... Kick her out, end the marriage, she is evil and a narcissist with no redeeming nature. I chose to look and ask the question, what could make a good person who never saw themselves becoming a cheater do this. Excuse? Maybe. Cheat again and cause more pain? Maybe. Rug sweep? No way. I don't stay in this marriage without years of therapy and a belief my wife is fundamentally changing as a person, I will not be pretending this didn't happen for the rest of my entire life.

 

I know the odds are me against but I love who I love and I want to take another chance to save the life I've built for myself, my children and yes for her. As long as I see her fighting and trying I can't walk away yet.

Edited August 28, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[bigman1]

BH,

 

I echo that it is your choice. Its your life and you have to live it. Whatever you do, I strongly urge you to get yourself healed first. Don't try to heal your marriage, heal yourself. A healed you is ready for whatever comes. I see too many BS's who are so distraught over losing what they thought that they had that they short change themselves just to keep the other person near them and in their life. Fix you then your thinking can become how to fix "us" (you and your wife).

 

Once you get yourself together you may find that the best you is divorced. Alternatively, and just as likely, the best you is reconciled with your wife. LIke they say on the airplanes, put your oxygen on first.

[james1989]

Sure. Obviously you can say, twice a cheater, super LTA, in your own home... Kick her out, end the marriage, she is evil and a narcissist with no redeeming nature. I chose to look and ask the question, what could make a good person who never saw themselves becoming a cheater do this. Excuse? Maybe. Cheat again and cause more pain? Maybe. Rug sweep? No way. I don't stay in this marriage without years of therapy and a belief my wife is fundamentally changing as a person, I will not be pretending this didn't happen for the rest of my entire life.

 

I know the odds are me against but I love who I love and I want to take another chance to save the life I've built for myself, my children and yes for her. As long as I see her fighting and trying I can't walk away yet.

 

hey i have to respect that

 

i am not in your position so i shouldn't really judge

 

i do really hope everything works out for you.

[ForeverTainted]

OP, I dropped out of your thread so I am not sure if this has been suggested but have you asked for a poly? Your feelings on them are unimportant. It is more a test of how much she has told you. I hear they work for getting a WS to finally spill all. You have the means so why not? Some people say their marriage would be over before resorting to that tactic but your marriage as you knew it was already over when she cheated. This could merely be a tool to help you out. D or R. And despite movies portrayal they aren't easy to beat if you use a reputable and skilled tester.

[oldshirt]

I'm about done posting for the week because I don't think I can handle it anymore and need time away from LS for maybe a week... a whole week with nothing book/forum/internet/online related to "affairs".

 

ok let me have it...

 

i went to have a 10 minute meeting with our pastor to pray for me and my family. it turned into over 3 hours. he never once advocated for me to stay or talked frankly about a faith based reason to honor my vows etc. He was pretty sad it happened. he is a married catholic priest (they exist) which is unique and we talked it all through and frankly he was more insightful that our therapist has been.

 

highlights?

 

- to say my wife cheated because after we had kids she was stressed out and our marriage changed to focus on the children is a cop out and easy answer that cures nothing. it may well have to do with the affair but there is something underlying in her that causes this.

 

- my wife's *real* issues go back as far as her childhood. a constant desire for 1) perfection in everything she does and 2) validation for her effort all goes back to the deepest reaches of who she is as a person. it maybe caused by the difficult relationship she had with her mother where she excelled and excelled and excelled and was never ever good enough.

 

- my wife wasn't "miserable" in our marriage, she was just always miserable. her efforts and validation throughout her life were always to tame her depression and sadness at any failure she perceived (true or not). my wife has acted out in high school (A student with no "drama" but when stressed by an issue with a friend created a fake suicide scare to attract the attention of teachers and her parents for example) and continued to act out in college (dating me she had dependency issues and suffered extreme attachment issues where she had unhealthy amounts of sadness/depression when i couldn't be with her constantly etc.) there were other warning signs with parents of friends asking her not to be "perfect" and rely so much on her friends (not boyfriends but friends) validation of her, but to be secure in herself or go to therapy. She also had great pain in some years from strained family relations as an adult with her parents and brother.

 

- my wife was most "stable" when we became engaged and during the first 5-6 years of marriage before we had kids. this maybe because the new marriage and singular focus on each other kept the volcano at bay.

 

- when kids came a normal and healthy shift to focus on them caused her to begin to feel depressed as the stress of motherhood, cristisms of how we delt with our young daughters colic and other issues weighed on her. the sadness/depression was not just due to this but fed directly to her issues with needing to not disappoint others, achieve perfection herself etc. she likely didn't want to tell me of her pain because telling me that she was stressed by our "perfect" daughter or couldn't handle the changes in our lives would imply she wasn't a "perfect mother or wife". when she began to get validation outside the marriage from men it helped control her feelings of pain and helplessness and she didn't stop it.

 

- the physical affair began as new levels of pain where reached when a family issue caused severe levels of strain between my in-laws, brother-in-law, and our family that she couldn't/wouldn't deal with and so upped her horrible behavior to compensate. she also admits she felt like she was "disappointing him" after 3 years of him wanting to become physical and her saying no and him getting frustrated. she was afraid to lose his affirmation.

 

- her "work" toward fixing our marriage to date has been superficial and destined to failure. she wants to be ****MORE PERFECT**** to fix the problem when it is her need to not fail that often drives her internal pain and ultimate causes her to act out. she is not going back nearly deep enough to see the root cause of behavior in her life and instead hanging her hat on a moment in time that may well have to do with the affairs but in no way addresses the real source of the behavior over time.

 

-> so summary: my wife is deeply broken. she has a history from childhood of seeking affirmation from others by striving for perfection in ever aspect of her life. she puts too much on her plate and tries to be perfect in it all leading to great stress. she over blows the meaning of many things in her life. all of this has lead to great pain for decades which she manages by trying to constantly be better and achieve affirmation from others (not just affairs). our marriage itself improved this pain for her but the newness of marriage wore out and with kids coming along the old pain came back. to admit this pain would have been to admit failure and weakness and so she didn't tell me. when she found herself in these affairs they all started slowly as friendships that provided affirmation and helped dampen the pain and slowly they grew into affairs.

 

these are not excuses. my wife did all the horrible things i have written and did them for years. i don't believe any of this is her unsatification with me or our marriage but with unsatisifcation with herself. there is a volcano in my wife and when the pain gets to much it blows up, in the form of affairs but maybe in breakdowns and cries for attention too. if my wife does not take huge action to understand the nature of her pain and how she has inappropriately delt with it over the years we are destined to see her repeat her behavior, either in the form of an affair or other self-destructive behavior. her actions so far in time will actually make her pain worse.

 

now the part where you all kill me. she was set to leave. the kids knew. i told her to stay. i'm still in the other room but i don't want to punish her and i don't want her away. i know it is harmful but it is what it is, i want my wife here. if she crosses the lines i have set now we will divorce in the meanwhile i am back in the holding pattern.

 

i need to ease off LS for a while soon, by the weekend for sure. i need to just BE with my family and see what happens.

 

I typically advocate secular, evidence-based therapies and don't give a lot of credence to faith-based counseling unless it is dealing with a faith-based issue, but your priest sounds like one sharp cookie.

[oldshirt]

If you have made the decision to attempt reconciliation then give it your full effort and don't half-ass it. Reconciliation is usually best with both parties in the home provided their is no abuse or violence etc.

 

My recommendations are as follows -

 

- You will both need intensive counseling. IC for both of you individually, MC jointly.

 

- If you haven't gotten the Athol Kay books and registered on the "Married Man Sex life" forums, do that ASAP. Same with "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. You are going to need to grow a pair of brass balls if you are going to keep her in the house and keep other men out of your bed. Those books and forums are the best out there in regards to that.

 

- meet with a divorce lawyer and prepare a detailed predivorce plan and have papers drawn up and ready. You don't have to file, but have them ready at a moment's notice.

 

- Make your life portable and be prepared to haul her to the curb at any moment. Make her get a self-supporting job so she can't sue for more spousal support than she has to. Keep all accounts separate. Consider changing wills, life insurance and other policies so that the kids are beneficiaries and have another relative as executor. Get the house and primary vehicle in your name only. She can have her car in her name. Have any other assets, properties and other valuables in your name and secured.

 

- have her do the same and have her begin contingency planning on where she will live and what she will do etc if you change your mind or she screws up. Base this on the needs and welfare of the children.

 

- You are always going to have to be watching her like a hawk so go ahead and get key logger software and Nanny cams and VARs now. Get her an old technology phone that basically just makes phone calls and txts and have the account in you name only so you can monitor the bills and the activity of the phone. Disconnect the landline if you have one since they typically do not keep logs of incoming calls. (You're basically going to have to become a parole officer with her as your paroled)

 

- You can commit to making an effort to reconcile but NEVER commit to staying with her. Always reserve the right to kick her out for any infraction. Forever remove the notion of 'till death do us part" from your psyche. Be open and honest with her, if she fcks up, your own self-preservation requires you to cut the cord. Think of mountaineers tethered together on a mountain, let her know if she starts to step over the cliff, you will cut the rope to save yourself.

 

- I can't mention all things specifically but in general what you need to do is reorganize your life so that she can't harm or damage you. And you need to forever maintain a high state of vigilance on her and be prepared to pull the ejection handle and walk away at any moment.

 

I know This doesn't sound very romantic but this is the world she created and this is also the new world that you have signed yourself up for by agreeing to stay with her. Your own survival and wellbeing dictates that you simply cannot hold on to any romantic notions that she won't betray or hurt you or blow up your world anymore. Your marriage may live on and you may even be happy and functional again some day but that aspect of your relationship with her is dead forever.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you. I know everyone will point to the adultery as abuse etc. but lets "ignore" it for a second. My wife and I have known each other from 14. I am 38 now. We have been together for 19 years, 14 of it married. We have been good to each other in the context of marriage (again minus that pesky detail I just learned about) and we weren't abusive to each other. We make the other laugh and have built a life together. Now I get the cheating and the length and manner change my perspective on everything and we may well not survive, but I love the girl, I love how we are when we are together... I'm willing to give it time to see if I can get past the point where the mind movies and bad memories and lack of trust that exist today make life with her not worth it and see at the same time if she decides that she desire validation from me... I'm willing to give it and even do a damn better job of it, but only if I'm the only man for her forever. I am not going to be the fool again, if I get treated this way again it will be painful but the decisions will be over at least, no more wondering what to do or "if" we will make it... it will just be over. I'm praying for a miracle. I'm a God believer and tomorrow morning I meet with my pastor to ask him to pray for my family.

 

You see, this is what I mentioned in a post several days ago. I'm not making excuses for her actions but I guess I can say that, in a way, her behavior is not that surprising. What's kind of surprising is that you have never cheated on her, particularly being in the profession you're in. Despite all that, my point is, you are probably the only significant man your wife has been with and a lot of people (not everyone but a lot) would wonder what they missed out on, etc. She missed that experience of knowing different men, of making a choice, instead choosing a guy she basically grew up with. She basically hit the jackpot with you right out of the gate but is having trouble appreciating what that actually means for her.

 

Her words to you were very encouraging. I think she's getting the message that she is teetering on the verge of losing you, and that actually is a good thing. She needs to know that she screwed up major-league.

 

I think you've got a great plan. You're obviously a very intelligent and introspective man. Very rare. Your wife needs to learn to appreciate what a great guy she has in you.

Edited August 28, 2014 by bathtub-row

[2sunny]

So she still isn't digging deep enough at her core issues and you again moved your boundary... So she doesn't even go to her Moms for a few days? Man, that's purposely sending her a clear message that you'll never impose consequences on her.

 

You are more co dependent than I figured.

 

Please get help with your issues. You two have a lot of individual work to do for yourselves.

 

You are both unhealthy and expect to be healthy "enough" just by staying together. It doesn't work that way.

 

When you can offer your healthy self to a union (and her too) then 1+1=2 ... or a very nice, healthy and balanced union.

 

But the way you're approaching it is 1/4+1/2 is supposed to equal 2 but it actually falls short of even 1.

 

 

Has she read any books on perfect parents or striving for that? It does set up folks for destruction...and often alcohol and/or drug use when failure comes. Heaven forbid if your kids don't do things perfectly too - and fail to meet her expectations that make her look good.

 

What is she doing to address her deficiencies?

[bathtub-row]

Take care, B&H. I wish you, your wife, and kids only the best.

[The Lonely Angel]

You know what I find funny, betrayedandhurting? You say that you will definitely leave her without a doubt next time she does something bad to your relationship (like cheating, lying, etc.) Yet she has DONE THIS ALREADY, multiple times, too! Yet you always somehow justify her actions and you're still with her. I'm not saying what you're doing is wrong, because it is hard to leave someone you spent so many years on, but you need to realise all of us that are telling you to leave her aren't saying it simply because 'she cheated.'

 

I was in this thread many pages back ago and it saddens me to see you're still suffering like this. Nothing will never be the same, even if you take her back and try to start 'anew'.

 

Just keep yourself safe... don't do anything to ruin/harm yourself - after all, your kids need you. And your wife has already hurt you enough times. You must be the world's biggest moron or the most tolerant person I've ever known.

 

Good luck. Keep us up to date.