D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[No Limit]

Please, get tested for STDs every month. Write it into your calendar so you won't forget.

[aliveagain]

Well betrayedandhurting you are consistent regardless of impute from those posting on your thread. You did say on page 1 back on August 16th say that your objective was "to fix" and to find a way to love your wife the same way again. If I recall her first confession regarding the physical extent of her cheating was that they only had sex 3 times over an entire year. You told her you would divorce her is she told you one more lie at that time. You now discover that her infidelity has been going on for almost 9 years with more than one man and that she actually had unprotected sex a few hundred times, on his desk, in your house with your children home, in your bed, you probably had sex with her on the same day hours after she banged him at the office(happened to me).

 

Your probably right, making her stay at her mom's for a few nights is kind of harsh. Is that all it takes, 12 days of saying sorry(August 16-28), crying from the other side of the door begging you to keep the family together(that makes me wonder why she never thought of her family while doing the lateral mamba in your bed with O/M) and you cancel her only consequence for 9 years of cheating? Makes sense. May I suggest you not give her your flight schedules so she doesn't know how long your going to be away.

Edited August 29, 2014 by aliveagain

[2sunny]

From my perspective you've now betrayed yourself. You had a golden opportunity to follow through with a boundary and some sort of small consequence to her and you just totally betrayed yourself.

 

Going back on your word makes you the one that doesn't keep his word.

 

Read the book the four agreements by Ruiz. You could really be fit from that simple wisdom that little book puts out.

 

You've made yourself not believable now - because you don't DO what you say you'll do. Idle promises help you to stay stuck. She's dragged you down and now you're not even willing to try and pull yourself back up by having reasonable guidelines and expectations.

 

 

You're an easy pushover - and she damn well knows it. So does her Mom and your kids.

 

It's hard to earn respect when you won't respect yourself.

[thenachobro]

I have held off posting here till I read your situation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but believe it or not, it isn't with or without your wife. You see, in your mind, you have to say goodbye to the wife you married, the marriage you knew, and the security you had. And you have to accept that there is a possibility that she will cheat again. BUT, it doesn't mean you have to accept it if it does happen. You have to be able to say to say goodbye. Without anger, without malice. I was in a scenario similar to yours and the only way I could even fathom moving forward was with the mind set that if she deceives me in any way, shape or form, it was over. I made this choice and understand the risks. So does she. Not just for us but for our kids. And they are the most important thing. So I told her that if she cheat again that I will calmly, but with much disappointment, call it quits. That I want to be able to work with her closely in raising our kids. So you have a choice to make. Do you stick together with that possibility, or do you say goodbye and still run the risk of meeting someone else who could also cheat on you? I wish you the best, and thank you for sharing your story with us. It reminds me that we have to expect anything, and that anything is possible. Even from those we expect it from the least.

[thenachobro]

Oh yeah, please don't come here too much. Reading all these posts makes me go back a bit. It isn't a good feeling. I only come here about once every 3 months now.

[merrmeade]

BandH - Hope I'm not too late. So much has been said here, but I'd just like to add a couple of things before you go underground after reading all that.

 

Most important first:

In my years of reading infidelity forums, I can not recall one serial cheater who remained faithful, even after extensive IC.

Remember this and what everyone said about about once a serial cheater, always one. She means the remorse today, but the thrill of conquest, risk-taking and illicit activity will draw her in again some day without lifelong treatment. She needs to recognize it and work directly on that with someone trained in sex addiction. They think they control it. Nonsense. It doesn't just go away.

 

Second:

All of those things are negated if the WS is a narcissist or a sociopath. They won't feel true remorse because they have no grasp of other people's pain and only see things through the filter of their own wants.

This has been addressed a lot, but you need the same thing - a trained therapist that deals with NPD Same as the cheating/addictive behavior, it doesn't go away by itself - ESPECIALLY narcissism. I've also read - and saw this in my H - that it takes some other huge life blow for them to learn humility. This is very important for you. She will need another fix of the flattery, flirting, and admiration sooner or later unless she can see this in herself.

 

Those were the main things I wanted to say to you. My H has these issues and so has tremendous SHAME issues overlaid as well - so much that he can barely empathize - and doesn't realize it. But I think you've been beaten up enough about this enough. Just know that it IS a very hard condition to treat and remorse can look right and sound right, but it may not last before she starts playing mind tricks again. A therapist may be able to help her gain the lasting empathy and values that keep her honest and other-directed, but it won't be easy unless she learns to recognize situations and impulses that lead to destructive behaviors. This from you will help:

If she chooses to cheat or gets fed up and wants a divorce... good, she made my decision for me. If I find I'm happier without her and my kids get plenty of quality time then also good, that makes my decision easier. ... I know that I have to do this otherwise she literally suffers no consequence at all.

And this:

Anyone who has gone through recovery under the same roof as their WS knows perfectly well that there is plenty of punishment for the WS if she is remorseful. Even when a WS is just initially remorseful for getting caught - an understandable feeling considering where they are emotionally- living through the trauma of their BS is not a picnic, and the result can be clearly a deeper more authentic remorse.

It has been my intention from the beginning that the most appropriate and also constructive payback is for my H to witness the suffering he caused and help with the recovery. (Can backfire, too, depending on how entrenched the NPD is.)

 

Last, I just wanted to say that the overall impression I feel you've given from the beginning was that you intended to R. I felt very bad for the intense pressure put on you, rudeness and taunting even to do this or that to the point that - with your post-dDay fogginess - you kept trying to explain all the logic behind your thinking which fanned the Divorce rabble cry. I remember this, and it made me more confused. The pressure felt unfair. I think it's why you glued onto James London's gentle tact for a while.

 

But this troubles me for you:

I'm willing to give it and even do a damn better job of it, but only if I'm the only man for her forever.

You do not need to prove your humility or anything else. Please be strong and confident. You are a good and, I'm sure, desirable man.

[beach]

She's held all the power. You had the chance to take back some of the power you've handed her all these years. Now when you've had the opportunity to regain some power; you forfeited that chance and just handed it all right back to her.

 

Face palm

[Fearful]

Sorry for your pain but if the truth must be told you are not acting like a ''real man'' and nothing will stop your wife from cheating on you again because she knows you will always forgive. Your wife cheated on you for 8years, ****ed another man on your marital bed in your own house with the wedding ring on and with your children near by yet you can not decide on your dead marriage waiting for her to make the decision for you. After she have murdered your marriage and dump a gabage on you and your children. Instead of cleaning up your self and the kids you are more interested in giving life to the dead marriage that you are refusing to burry.

[James-London]

I have to agree with some of the last few posters above. I am disappointed that you caved in when she was ready to leave.

 

If you guys manage to still be together in 2 or 3 years time, do you think you will look back and regret throwing her out the house for a few weeks? This would have been an important gesture from you to show that this was not acceptable. It would show that tears and apologies are not quite enough.

 

To temporarily throw her out of the house does not mean you are giving up on her. On the contrary, it means that you are taking a stand and showing boundaries to show her she can't do that again. I think temporarily throwing her out actually shows you do care.

 

By the way - the story about how she is deeply messed up does make sense to me. It does provide some explanation (although not excuse) for what she did. And understanding something can give you a basis for rebuilding. However, you still should have thrown her out.

 

Another thing. You have said that the she cheats because she feels imperfect and cheating gives her validation she needs right? Well, the last few weeks have shown that she is FAR, FAR from perfect. Therefore, is this not exactly the trigger that will make her cheat?.... Just imagine all the pent up stress inside her that she has failed you and her family. Just imagine how this is exactly how she felt she failed her mother. Presumably, she will react by seeking validation from other men at some point in the near future??

 

2 more practical things. 1. I don't see the polygraph test as a bad idea. Is there anything you suspect she could be lying about still? 2. another poster talked of spy cameras and software. I strongly recommend you do all of that, and crucially don't let her know you're doing it.

[The Lonely Angel]

I have to agree with some of the last few posters above. I am disappointed that you caved in when she was ready to leave.

 

If you guys manage to still be together in 2 or 3 years time, do you think you will look back and regret throwing her out the house for a few weeks? This would have been an important gesture from you to show that this was not acceptable. It would show that tears and apologies are not quite enough.

 

To temporarily throw her out of the house does not mean you are giving up on her. On the contrary, it means that you are taking a stand and showing boundaries to show her she can't do that again. I think temporarily throwing her out actually shows you do care.

 

By the way - the story about how she is deeply messed up does make sense to me. It does provide some explanation (although not excuse) for what she did. And understanding something can give you a basis for rebuilding. However, you still should have thrown her out.

 

Another thing. You have said that the she cheats because she feels imperfect and cheating gives her validation she needs right? Well, the last few weeks have shown that she is FAR, FAR from perfect. Therefore, is this not exactly the trigger that will make her cheat?.... Just imagine all the pent up stress inside her that she has failed you and her family. Just imagine how this is exactly how she felt she failed her mother. Presumably, she will react by seeking validation from other men at some point in the near future??

 

2 more practical things. 1. I don't see the polygraph test as a bad idea. Is there anything you suspect she could be lying about still? 2. another poster talked of spy cameras and software. I strongly recommend you do all of that, and crucially don't let her know you're doing it.

 

Doing all this won't help him anymore than what we have said.

 

Most of us told him to leave his wife - This was earlier on, and at the time I also thought there perhaps 'could' be a way to fix it. But as he goes on things seem to gets worst. Through it all he seems to be stuck in a fantasy that his wife was really different 'this time' and he could change her and be happy.

 

At first he mentions that if he ever catches her deceiving him again he will end it without a doubt... Well he has recently discovered, as aliveagain has stated, that her infidelity was going on for 8-9 YEARS! And now he still questions everything and what he should do.

 

I'm usually optimistic about things but I don't know how many times the LoveShack community has to tell betrayedandhurting that he's better of without his 'wife'. This is a long thread and through it all most of us are trying to help him but it seems as though he doesn't want to heed our warnings and our advice. I don't know how long it will take before he realises that - as unfortunate as it is - and even though his wife may change, their dreadful past cannot. They will *NEVER* be the same, and this feeling of betrayal will be on his consciousness until his death, or until he finally decides to let her go for good.

Edited August 29, 2014 by The Lonely Angel

[thummper]

Betrayed, you're a good man. You could have just allowed her to leave, but your love and concern shows just how much you care for her. What was her reaction when you asked her to stay?

[Buckeye2]

I have to agree with some of the last few posters above. I am disappointed that you caved in when she was ready to leave.

 

If you guys manage to still be together in 2 or 3 years time, do you think you will look back and regret throwing her out the house for a few weeks? This would have been an important gesture from you to show that this was not acceptable. It would show that tears and apologies are not quite enough.

 

To temporarily throw her out of the house does not mean you are giving up on her. On the contrary, it means that you are taking a stand and showing boundaries to show her she can't do that again. I think temporarily throwing her out actually shows you do care.

 

By the way - the story about how she is deeply messed up does make sense to me. It does provide some explanation (although not excuse) for what she did. And understanding something can give you a basis for rebuilding. However, you still should have thrown her out.

 

Another thing. You have said that the she cheats because she feels imperfect and cheating gives her validation she needs right? Well, the last few weeks have shown that she is FAR, FAR from perfect. Therefore, is this not exactly the trigger that will make her cheat?.... Just imagine all the pent up stress inside her that she has failed you and her family. Just imagine how this is exactly how she felt she failed her mother. Presumably, she will react by seeking validation from other men at some point in the near future??

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the above. I would like to bring up another issue which may turn out to be theoretical since your kids seem to be quite well behaved. How are you ever going to discipline your kids for anything?

 

Originally used in the 1978 American college classic film "Animal House," Dean Wormer puts the rowdy Delta Tau Chi fraternity on a "double secret probation," since the Delta House is already on probation. The term has since evolved to mean the act of being on probation while still partying on a regular basis.

[William]

I'm about done posting for the week because I don't think I can handle it anymore and need time away from LS for maybe a week... a whole week with nothing book/forum/internet/online related to "affairs".

 

 

 

OK, as it appears the thread needs some cleanup anyway, we'll close it up and get that done over the weekend while you take a break.