D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[aliveagain]

you need to detach from her, you need to think with your head and not your heart right now. Please read up on the 180 and make this your daily mantra, the 180 will help you survive this situation. Marriage counselling is a waste of time when one of the spouse's is withholding the truth or still active in their affair. She needs to be properly assessed so she can get the right treatment. You need individual counselling so you can be strong for your children. Talk to your employer, you need to take a break while you deal with this.

[Buckeye2]

I wanted to fix this sobad, but how do you come back from this?

 

 

You’re a pilot and your life depends on things working properly. Some things you can’t fix.

 

 

In a way your decisions are easier because you now know that you can never fully trust your wife. (i.e. I would give up on her being my soul mate someday).

 

 

People project and think other people, especially people close to them, think like they do. You were very trusting because you never considered cheating and thought your wife was even less likely to cheat than you. (You were with women at work and she was home with the kids). Your wife’s thinking is very different from yours and you can’t get your head around that fact.

 

 

Affairs are great fun and your wife has an exceptional ability to compartmentalize. You travelled a great deal and you trusted her completely. It was the perfect storm.

 

 

You did nothing wrong as a man or as a husband. Your wife loves her family life, you and the kids. Because of the previously mentioned factors it was extremely easy to cheat and for her to think that she would never, never get caught.

 

 

For you to cheat would take something huge. For your wife to cheat all it took was it being fun and without risk of getting caught. You will never be able to understand this because it’s not in you to think like that.

 

 

Stop trying.

 

 

What are broken in your wife are the extent that she can compartmentalize and her lack of guilt. These two things worked together and allowed her to do what she did. She’s sincerely sorry that she hurt you and jeopardized your family but you were never supposed to find out. I know it sounds ridiculous but your wife would tell you that “It was nothing personal” and mean it.

 

 

Think for how happy you were before you found out. In her mind that proves that what she did wasn’t that bad and the only problem is that you found out.

 

 

You now have to figure out how to play the bad hand you have been dealt. I would let her think that R is still possible to give you time to think but protect your finances now.

 

 

If you keep her I would think of it more like a business deal to protect my feelings. She would be the best nanny you could ever get for the kids. You could use condoms and have sex with her. (You don't want to get her pregnant and you can use the excuse that you don't know where she's been).

 

 

Doing things that make her think that there is a chance of getting caught might have a huge effect since before the chance was zero in her mind. I would lie and say that you have hired a PI to randomly check up on her when you’re away. (Not the entire time, just see what she’s up to at random times). Again just lie about it and save the money.

 

 

You seem to worry about what people think. You’re a stand-up guy and I’m sure the people that work with you know that. They will not think less of you. They will think “How could his wife do that to such a great guy?” I know you’re not interested now but the single women will be all over you. You’re a great catch.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Buckeye2]

First affair:

After about 7 years of marriage (2 years after my daughter was born) we both decided to try for another child but then one night I accidentally saw my wife had left open a web browser of her email and there was a very mildly flirty email from a colleague at her work. I was disturbed and so looked for more emails and found exactly one, one in which my wife told him the time it was “safe” for him to call when I would be out of town on work.

 

First affair:

Still claims first affair was only one kiss but admits it went on a year (vs my belief of 2-3 months) till I caught her and they admitted their attraction to each other on their secret calls. This means she started cheating when our daughter was 1 and we were building our dream home... a high point I felt in our lives.

 

Ask her if she is sure that it was only one kiss and then tell her that you're going to DNA test your second kid. Look at her reaction.

 

I would hope that since you were trying she would have taken steps to make sure that the OM didn't get her pregnant. If she did her reaction will not give her away because she will be 100% sure it's your kid even if she did have a PA. But if she wasn't careful you may see something.

 

 

I know you love your kid and it would make no difference. You would be testing your wife, not the kid. If you actually want to do it you can get a DNA kit on Amazon, WalMart and most drug stores. It costs $30 and you swab the inside of your cheek and the kids with a Q-tip. You mail it with $130 more to a lab.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Buckeye2

[2sunny]

I went back and read just your opening post... It's difficult to digest all the info you presented know now that she just wanted you to believe her continuous lies.

 

Denial is an interesting survival tactic. Ask a therapist to work with you on that specifically. That need to believe someone so much that you ignore what the gut is telling you is something that could help you gain a better understanding of yourself.

 

The need to love another so much - that in order to love them - betrays self, is very unbalanced and very unhealthy. Could even make you physically sick.

 

You know some fraction of her truth. You've stated before what your boundary is. What's YOUR plan moving forward? What action do you plan to today?

 

 

Having a plan and sticking with it is critical at this time.

 

I still can't tell for sure if you plan to stay or if you plan to have her leave - have you decided?

 

What has her reaction been to what she knows you've now learned?

[2sunny]

If you keep her I would think of it more like a business deal to protect my feelings. She would be the best nanny you could ever get for the kids. You could use condoms and have sex with her. (You don't want to get her pregnant and you can use the excuse that you don't know where she's been).

 

 

Really? This is just a prime example of prostituting a wife out. It looks vengeful and feels like growing negative energy bigger.

 

I do agree with always using condoms though - for obvious reasons... But also I hope she hasn't gotten pregnant in the past several weeks with all your false make up sex she's been offering you.

 

A manipulative tactic, that's for sure...designed to have you overlook her bad behavior. Sex is not love and love is not always sex.

 

Who knows? She may have really had strong feelings for her MM - with all her lies she may not be as great as compartmentalizing as we thought. She's trying to save face now so others don't find out the extent of what she's done. Don't protect her - just lay it out there and let others deal with what's real the way they will. If she gets flamed - then all the better that she hurts for what SHE has created. No pain for her = no growth to become a better woman.

[Buckeye2]

How long did it take her to get pregnant with your second kid after you started trying? Could she have already been pregnant?

[Buckeye2]

If you keep her I would think of it more like a business deal to protect my feelings. She would be the best nanny you could ever get for the kids. You could use condoms and have sex with her. (You don't want to get her pregnant and you can use the excuse that you don't know where she's been).

 

 

Really? This is just a prime example of prostituting a wife out. It looks vengeful and feels like growing negative energy bigger.

 

Why is the BS required to be of upstanding moral character? The BS must always be honest and transparent about there thoughts, feelings and motivations? The BS isn't allowed to add any negative energy to protect themselves from additional emotional trauma? The BS must open themselves completely to their WS?

 

There seems to be quite an extreme double standard here.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Buckeye2

[bubbaganoosh]

I think in her mind she knows that your trying to hold on to the marriage by any means and even though she divulged more of her bad behavior, she knows that your still trying to find that last thread of hope so in other words she has a good idea that she can find a way out of this without her losing out by you divorcing her.

 

Look, you found out about the affairs, then later find out more and now your getting even more information about what she's been doing and no doubt, you have more questions.

 

So why don't you do this. Set up an appointment and submit her to a polygraph test. It might be the best money you spent. If she want the marriage to continue then she will take the test but if she balks at it then you know there's more, but I got to tell you this from my own experience.

 

The more you ask the more you find out and that leads to even more questions but the one question that will haunt you like it did me is the question "why?"

 

That question has an answer but the answer is never going to be good enough and I found out that the best way to stop dwelling on it is to cut all ties with her and get her out of your life.

 

Yeah you have kids and you two have to have contact when it comes to that situation but anything else, then there is nothing to talk about.

 

You just need right now to cut that last thread that connects you to her and move on. Living the kind of life that your in right now is not healthy and all you have to do is ask yourself is do you deserve better. If the answer is yes then stop worrying about her life and take charge of yours. She knows right from wrong, good from bad and she made her decisions and now she has to live with them.

[FusionCutter]

I think in her mind she knows that your trying to hold on to the marriage by any means and even though she divulged more of her bad behavior, she knows that your still trying to find that last thread of hope so in other words she has a good idea that she can find a way out of this without her losing out by you divorcing her.

 

Look, you found out about the affairs, then later find out more and now your getting even more information about what she's been doing and no doubt, you have more questions.

 

So why don't you do this. Set up an appointment and submit her to a polygraph test. It might be the best money you spent. If she want the marriage to continue then she will take the test but if she balks at it then you know there's more, but I got to tell you this from my own experience.

 

The more you ask the more you find out and that leads to even more questions but the one question that will haunt you like it did me is the question "why?"

 

That question has an answer but the answer is never going to be good enough and I found out that the best way to stop dwelling on it is to cut all ties with her and get her out of your life.

 

Yeah you have kids and you two have to have contact when it comes to that situation but anything else, then there is nothing to talk about.

 

You just need right now to cut that last thread that connects you to her and move on. Living the kind of life that your in right now is not healthy and all you have to do is ask yourself is do you deserve better. If the answer is yes then stop worrying about her life and take charge of yours. She knows right from wrong, good from bad and she made her decisions and now she has to live with them.

 

What's the point in spending more energy money and time on this? Polygraph test? really?

 

Isn't it clear it's past the point of saving?

[Stellar Wench]

Denial is an interesting survival tactic. Ask a therapist to work with you on that specifically. That need to believe someone so much that you ignore what the gut is telling you is something that could help you gain a better understanding of yourself.

You're right and my comment about male ego was too harsh. Please accept my apologies, OP.

[aliveagain]

I saw vague phone and Facebook messages between him and her that predates when she said the affair began 3-2.5 years ago. They weren't proof of anything more than a friendship but she has always been surprisingly vague of when this all started. I hit her hard that I had more info and she better come clean. She probed to see how far back my phone records went then started spilling more truth... I told her I deserved to know it all so...

 

1. Still claims first affair was only one kiss but admits it went on a year (vs my belief of 2-3 months) till I caught her and they admitted their attraction to each other on their secret calls. This means she started cheating when our daughter was 1 and we were building our dream home... a high point I felt in our lives.

 

2. The "big" affair she still claims had 2.5 years of PA but now admits the EA began 3-3.5 years prior! Total of SIX years, starting just 6 months after the birth of our son. Claims phone calls only for 3-3.5 years, not phone sex but clear statements of how hot they were for each other and emotional support for their lives. Of course the idea he was saying this to her for 3+ years without a PA and he worked face to face with her strains all believability. This likely of course means the PA started way longer than 2.5 years ago.

 

3. Full confession that all the pleading about no sex in the bed, no oral etc. was a lie to protect me from the truth... what they did is what we have done, all of it, all the time.

 

4. She slipped and admitted the first occasion he tried something physical was the night he came over to see our basement renovation. Night? What night? Now claiming "one" time he came over when kids were asleep and she kicked him out before doing anything because it went to far with them there.

 

5. Admits to lying about all this to me and our MC and IC to try to "save" the marriage from the horrors she carried on.

 

Basically my wife has been involved in affairs for 7-8 years out of the last 9. The problem and distance I felt in our marriage was never the "kids" it was the affairs that existed nearly all the time since their birth I now realize. She claims of that time the only PA was the last 2.5 years but that stretches all believability. She claims she did all this because she felt emotionally and physically distant from me due to the "stresses" in her life (which she also admits were overblown in her mind) and these men made her feel wanted and good about herself. She says the latest affair is over AND I BELIEVE IT IS BECAUSE THE MAN USED HER FOR A PIECE OF A- AND IS NOW TRYING TO SAVE HIS OWN MARRIAGE. She continues to beg and plead and grovel for a chance. I spent a great night out at a run, concert, and hotel with my wife this week. Id convinced myself I could fix this, that it was all a midlife crisis and stress that I didn't address in the marriage. Now I know the truth, my wife has cheated HALF our 14 year marriage and even in the "good" times.

I'm sure she thinks she IS cured and won't do this again but I don't see how someone guilt free cheats on their spouse for 7 years and ever is cured of anything. I just don't have the fight anymore.

 

Please don't tell me "I told you so." Don't tell me "divorce her now" "hide the money" etc. I get it now. I just need some good feels and then I'm going to have a mod shutdown this thread in a few days and I'll start another when I get the next phase going. I wanted to fix this so bad, but how do you come back from this?

 

My ex couldn't understand the pain she caused me with her LTA, she couldn't understand that I couldn't accept the affair child she had with O/M as mine. She blamed me for ending the relationship, she couldn't grasp that sex for a couple years and a child by another man was enough to destroy our relationship, she was a master at compartmentalization. There are a lot of stop signs and considerations that have to be crossed on the infidelity road. She knew when she got to her final crossroad that what she was about to do was wrong, she knew it was selfish and that it would devastate you if you found out, yet she stepped over anyway.

 

She most likely justified her infidelity by telling herself that she wasn't getting what she needed at home and that you didn't understand her isolation. The first time she probably told herself that it would only be one time and no one would find out so no one would be hurt. She convinced herself that she would never be caught so there would never be any repercussions. They never expect the devastation and hurt that actually happens on discovery. Telling you good feels right now would be helping you stay in denial, the right thing to do is help you move out of infidelity.

[2sunny]

Why is the BS required to be of upstanding moral character? The BS must always be honest and transparent about there thoughts, feelings and motivations? The BS isn't allowed to add any negative energy to protect themselves from additional emotional trauma? The BS must open themselves completely to their WS?

 

There seems to be quite an extreme double standard here.

 

I will never be in agreement to stooping to lower levels of morality to even the playing field.

 

Growing negative energy bigger is not a positive goal.

 

 

Have you considered that she may be a true narcissist?

Edited August 24, 2014 by 2sunny

[betrayedandhurting]

People ask me what my plan is moving forward... I want to be careful here incase she somehow, anyhow reads this but it is safe to say this...

 

I have never taken divorce off the table since Day 1, I even visited a lawyer, but in my heart and you all have seen it... I never wanted anything else besides reconciliation. In the last 7 weeks I have done weekly date nights, tons of talking, reasoning, therapy, sex, you name it. I've even looked (but didn't plan on acting on it for a long time) at how I could reset her diamond engagement ring in all new settings and "start over." I had honestly decided that although it would never be the marriage I signed up for and I would always have some pain, that if she and I became truly recommitted and happier on a day to day basis than ever before it would be worth it for her, for the life we built, and especially for the kids.

 

Today? Today I am dead inside. I certainly don't want date night. I don't want sex. I really don't want anything. I wish I could say I'm motivated to run to a divorce lawyer but I feel just nothing... for anything.

 

My plan?

 

1. Immediately I plan to take action on Monday to eliminate joint accounts and credit cards that would at risk should she decide to take rash actions. I have no intention of hiding money, being unfair in a divorce etc. but I don't want my emergency funds to disappear in a blaze of glory to fight back for months to get credit for it in a divorce.

 

2. On monday we will do an over the counter paternity test for my 2nd child. I have almost no doubt whatsoever he is mine for a variety of complicated reasons including the fact my wife and I are of not of the same race etc. and the timing of several things including birth control etc. makes this essentially impossible to be anyone one's but mine... BUT since I do believe it, I want to KNOW it for 100% sure in the context of my wife's horrible behavior. If I did find out he wasn't mine he would STILL BE MINE FOREVER, but I just want to be able to exist knowing for sure, so hence we will test.

 

3. My wife did get tested for STD's last week, she claims she will provide me written results. If not I of course will be tested before I am with someone else but I want her to bare some responsibility to get this done.

 

4. I will begin copy records of everything I have (much of this I have already done, I am a big "Evernote" user and have scanned everything since all time) and start keeping records of site in the event of divorce.

 

5. I will attend what would have been a IC session for my wife on Monday as a MC session. My primary intention to make sure the therapist is made aware she has been lying to all of us in counseling for the last 7 weeks. She will attend IC later in the week, I may... we will see. I have taken a bit of time off work as I am not in a state to work for now.

 

Notice I haven't said "divorce." Look honestly I don't see how we DON'T get divorced now. I had really convinced myself that I wasn't attentive to her as a spouse after the kids came and while she bares 100% responsibility for the same I thought I could save this marriage in the context that perhaps she was a damaged person who succumbed to a terrible choice because she was depressed and unhappy. I thought if I could fix that part of our marriage and with the help of MC and IC and a willing wife to really bare her soul we might have a chance that made the future BETTER than a divorce, if not as good as I had once hoped. Now I see the truth. My wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist. It wasn't the kids that made our relationship bad, it was her near constant cheating ever since the kids came! She made it clear to me that in her mind she didn't feel tremendous guilt or concern because in her mind when she went to work (actually at work) or I was on the road her behaviors that made her happy and satisfied that no harm on our marriage. As long as she was waiting for me when I came home with open arms and was a "good" wife, lover and mother when I was there in her mind her behavior was ok. She truly never wanted these men for relationships it was all about having her cake and eating it to, thats why it was always so "easy" for her to quit jobs and go NC, because I am "number #1" and her "priority" but that she always looks for ways to find another to exist on the side.

 

I have no idea how to fix this and I feel I no longer even want to. For now I think I'll exist in limbo in the guest room for the next week or two, trying to get on my own two feet... take immediate emergency actions to protect me in the future and perhaps soon start moving towards a permeant fix for the rest of my life.

 

7 1/2 weeks ago I had the best wife in any room. My life was a storybook dream, fantastic career, fantastic kids, home, cars, vacations, money, and a wife and marriage that was the envy of everyone who knew us. Today I sit here thinking about 8 years of cheating, my wife screwing a guy all over our house, bringing a guy to our house while our kids were here and on and on and on. My life has been a lie and it is crushing beyond belief.

[betrayedandhurting]

People project and think other people, especially people close to them, think like they do. You were very trusting because you never considered cheating and thought your wife was even less likely to cheat than you. (You were with women at work and she was home with the kids). Your wife’s thinking is very different from yours and you can’t get your head around that fact.

 

 

Affairs are great fun and your wife has an exceptional ability to compartmentalize. You travelled a great deal and you trusted her completely. It was the perfect storm.

 

 

You did nothing wrong as a man or as a husband. Your wife loves her family life, you and the kids. Because of the previously mentioned factors it was extremely easy to cheat and for her to think that she would never, never get caught.

 

 

For you to cheat would take something huge. For your wife to cheat all it took was it being fun and without risk of getting caught. You will never be able to understand this because it’s not in you to think like that.

 

 

Stop trying.

 

 

What are broken in your wife are the extent that she can compartmentalize and her lack of guilt. These two things worked together and allowed her to do what she did. She’s sincerely sorry that she hurt you and jeopardized your family but you were never supposed to find out. I know it sounds ridiculous but your wife would tell you that “It was nothing personal” and mean it.

 

 

Think for how happy you were before you found out. In her mind that proves that what she did wasn’t that bad and the only problem is that you found out

 

many people have similar things here but i have never read anything that seemed to hit the nail on the head and really describe what I'm facing in my marriage than this. thank you.

[aliveagain]

People ask me what my plan is moving forward... I want to be careful here incase she somehow, anyhow reads this but it is safe to say this...

 

I have never taken divorce off the table since Day 1, I even visited a lawyer, but in my heart and you all have seen it... I never wanted anything else besides reconciliation. In the last 7 weeks I have done weekly date nights, tons of talking, reasoning, therapy, sex, you name it. I've even looked (but didn't plan on acting on it for a long time) at how I could reset her diamond engagement ring in all new settings and "start over." I had honestly decided that although it would never be the marriage I signed up for and I would always have some pain, that if she and I became truly recommitted and happier on a day to day basis than ever before it would be worth it for her, for the life we built, and especially for the kids.

 

Today? Today I am dead inside. I certainly don't want date night. I don't want sex. I really don't want anything. I wish I could say I'm motivated to run to a divorce lawyer but I feel just nothing... for anything.

 

My plan?

 

1. Immediately I plan to take action on Monday to eliminate joint accounts and credit cards that would at risk should she decide to take rash actions. I have no intention of hiding money, being unfair in a divorce etc. but I don't want my emergency funds to disappear in a blaze of glory to fight back for months to get credit for it in a divorce.

 

2. On monday we will do an over the counter paternity test for my 2nd child. I have almost no doubt whatsoever he is mine for a variety of complicated reasons including the fact my wife and I are of not of the same race etc. and the timing of several things including birth control etc. makes this essentially impossible to be anyone one's but mine... BUT since I do believe it, I want to KNOW it for 100% sure in the context of my wife's horrible behavior. If I did find out he wasn't mine he would STILL BE MINE FOREVER, but I just want to be able to exist knowing for sure, so hence we will test.

 

3. My wife did get tested for STD's last week, she claims she will provide me written results. If not I of course will be tested before I am with someone else but I want her to bare some responsibility to get this done.

 

4. I will begin copy records of everything I have (much of this I have already done, I am a big "Evernote" user and have scanned everything since all time) and start keeping records of site in the event of divorce.

 

5. I will attend what would have been a IC session for my wife on Monday as a MC session. My primary intention to make sure the therapist is made aware she has been lying to all of us in counseling for the last 7 weeks. She will attend IC later in the week, I may... we will see. I have taken a bit of time off work as I am not in a state to work for now.

 

Notice I haven't said "divorce." Look honestly I don't see how we DON'T get divorced now. I had really convinced myself that I wasn't attentive to her as a spouse after the kids came and while she bares 100% responsibility for the same I thought I could save this marriage in the context that perhaps she was a damaged person who succumbed to a terrible choice because she was depressed and unhappy. I thought if I could fix that part of our marriage and with the help of MC and IC and a willing wife to really bare her soul we might have a chance that made the future BETTER than a divorce, if not as good as I had once hoped. Now I see the truth. My wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist. It wasn't the kids that made our relationship bad, it was her near constant cheating ever since the kids came! She made it clear to me that in her mind she didn't feel tremendous guilt or concern because in her mind when she went to work (actually at work) or I was on the road her behaviors that made her happy and satisfied that no harm on our marriage. As long as she was waiting for me when I came home with open arms and was a "good" wife, lover and mother when I was there in her mind her behavior was ok. She truly never wanted these men for relationships it was all about having her cake and eating it to, thats why it was always so "easy" for her to quit jobs and go NC, because I am "number #1" and her "priority" but that she always looks for ways to find another to exist on the side.

 

I have no idea how to fix this and I feel I no longer even want to. For now I think I'll exist in limbo in the guest room for the next week or two, trying to get on my own two feet... take immediate emergency actions to protect me in the future and perhaps soon start moving towards a permeant fix for the rest of my life.

 

7 1/2 weeks ago I had the best wife in any room. My life was a storybook dream, fantastic career, fantastic kids, home, cars, vacations, money, and a wife and marriage that was the envy of everyone who knew us. Today I sit here thinking about 8 years of cheating, my wife screwing a guy all over our house, bringing a guy to our house while our kids were here and on and on and on. My life has been a lie and it is crushing beyond belief.

 

Sorry friend but this was a well orchestrated maneuver your wife used to keep you in a false sense of security, she has known the truth for over 8 years, she knew who she really was, you were the one being deceived and this is why you are in so much pain. The person causing the pain is the one you trust the most in this world, we have all been there and it takes a lot of work and time to get over such a devastating betrayal. When you eventually get to the other side you will never ever be the same. No amount of time will ever make you forget the sh*t sandwich you were just served just as she can never step back over the line she crossed. Stay strong, you have a lot on your plate and there is a lot to do, it's good you have a plan in place.

[James-London]

its good you have this focus. I hope it does not mess too much with your career. That is one thing that nearly happened to me, so please be careful of that... I would not wait for her to have the STD test. You may as well get this done for yourself anyway. Don't tell her you are doing it so she is still showing she is taking responsibility for her actions.

 

I see your interpretation that she is a "compartmentalising narcissist" and I see that she tries to minimise by saying you were number 1 etc. But I still don't see any explanation from her as to why she did it.... She knew it was wrong. If she didn't, she would not have tried so hard to hide it. Given that, what was her motivation for doing this? Were you not enough? Did she need the attention? Is she just a sex addict? What's up with all that?

[james1989]

People ask me what my plan is moving forward... I want to be careful here incase she somehow, anyhow reads this but it is safe to say this...

 

I have never taken divorce off the table since Day 1, I even visited a lawyer, but in my heart and you all have seen it... I never wanted anything else besides reconciliation. In the last 7 weeks I have done weekly date nights, tons of talking, reasoning, therapy, sex, you name it. I've even looked (but didn't plan on acting on it for a long time) at how I could reset her diamond engagement ring in all new settings and "start over." I had honestly decided that although it would never be the marriage I signed up for and I would always have some pain, that if she and I became truly recommitted and happier on a day to day basis than ever before it would be worth it for her, for the life we built, and especially for the kids.

 

Today? Today I am dead inside. I certainly don't want date night. I don't want sex. I really don't want anything. I wish I could say I'm motivated to run to a divorce lawyer but I feel just nothing... for anything.

 

My plan?

 

1. Immediately I plan to take action on Monday to eliminate joint accounts and credit cards that would at risk should she decide to take rash actions. I have no intention of hiding money, being unfair in a divorce etc. but I don't want my emergency funds to disappear in a blaze of glory to fight back for months to get credit for it in a divorce.

 

2. On monday we will do an over the counter paternity test for my 2nd child. I have almost no doubt whatsoever he is mine for a variety of complicated reasons including the fact my wife and I are of not of the same race etc. and the timing of several things including birth control etc. makes this essentially impossible to be anyone one's but mine... BUT since I do believe it, I want to KNOW it for 100% sure in the context of my wife's horrible behavior. If I did find out he wasn't mine he would STILL BE MINE FOREVER, but I just want to be able to exist knowing for sure, so hence we will test.

 

3. My wife did get tested for STD's last week, she claims she will provide me written results. If not I of course will be tested before I am with someone else but I want her to bare some responsibility to get this done.

 

4. I will begin copy records of everything I have (much of this I have already done, I am a big "Evernote" user and have scanned everything since all time) and start keeping records of site in the event of divorce.

 

5. I will attend what would have been a IC session for my wife on Monday as a MC session. My primary intention to make sure the therapist is made aware she has been lying to all of us in counseling for the last 7 weeks. She will attend IC later in the week, I may... we will see. I have taken a bit of time off work as I am not in a state to work for now.

 

Notice I haven't said "divorce." Look honestly I don't see how we DON'T get divorced now. I had really convinced myself that I wasn't attentive to her as a spouse after the kids came and while she bares 100% responsibility for the same I thought I could save this marriage in the context that perhaps she was a damaged person who succumbed to a terrible choice because she was depressed and unhappy. I thought if I could fix that part of our marriage and with the help of MC and IC and a willing wife to really bare her soul we might have a chance that made the future BETTER than a divorce, if not as good as I had once hoped. Now I see the truth. My wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist. It wasn't the kids that made our relationship bad, it was her near constant cheating ever since the kids came! She made it clear to me that in her mind she didn't feel tremendous guilt or concern because in her mind when she went to work (actually at work) or I was on the road her behaviors that made her happy and satisfied that no harm on our marriage. As long as she was waiting for me when I came home with open arms and was a "good" wife, lover and mother when I was there in her mind her behavior was ok. She truly never wanted these men for relationships it was all about having her cake and eating it to, thats why it was always so "easy" for her to quit jobs and go NC, because I am "number #1" and her "priority" but that she always looks for ways to find another to exist on the side.

 

I have no idea how to fix this and I feel I no longer even want to. For now I think I'll exist in limbo in the guest room for the next week or two, trying to get on my own two feet... take immediate emergency actions to protect me in the future and perhaps soon start moving towards a permeant fix for the rest of my life.

 

7 1/2 weeks ago I had the best wife in any room. My life was a storybook dream, fantastic career, fantastic kids, home, cars, vacations, money, and a wife and marriage that was the envy of everyone who knew us. Today I sit here thinking about 8 years of cheating, my wife screwing a guy all over our house, bringing a guy to our house while our kids were here and on and on and on. My life has been a lie and it is crushing beyond belief.

 

 

 

Of course your wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist you found out that she had been cheating on you for 3 years and her punishment was better treatment from you and a better marriage.

 

While you were busting your ass trying to provide a great life for you and your family she was having sex with another man in your house and on your bed.

 

Oh and tell her to fu*k off and make her go in the spare bedroom.

[2sunny]

Why is the BS required to be of upstanding moral character? The BS must always be honest and transparent about there thoughts, feelings and motivations? The BS isn't allowed to add any negative energy to protect themselves from additional emotional trauma? The BS must open themselves completely to their WS?

 

There seems to be quite an extreme double standard here.

 

People ask me what my plan is moving forward... I want to be careful here incase she somehow, anyhow reads this but it is safe to say this...

 

I have never taken divorce off the table since Day 1, I even visited a lawyer, but in my heart and you all have seen it... I never wanted anything else besides reconciliation. In the last 7 weeks I have done weekly date nights, tons of talking, reasoning, therapy, sex, you name it. I've even looked (but didn't plan on acting on it for a long time) at how I could reset her diamond engagement ring in all new settings and "start over." I had honestly decided that although it would never be the marriage I signed up for and I would always have some pain, that if she and I became truly recommitted and happier on a day to day basis than ever before it would be worth it for her, for the life we built, and especially for the kids.

 

Today? Today I am dead inside. I certainly don't want date night. I don't want sex. I really don't want anything. I wish I could say I'm motivated to run to a divorce lawyer but I feel just nothing... for anything.

 

My plan?

 

1. Immediately I plan to take action on Monday to eliminate joint accounts and credit cards that would at risk should she decide to take rash actions. I have no intention of hiding money, being unfair in a divorce etc. but I don't want my emergency funds to disappear in a blaze of glory to fight back for months to get credit for it in a divorce.

 

2. On monday we will do an over the counter paternity test for my 2nd child. I have almost no doubt whatsoever he is mine for a variety of complicated reasons including the fact my wife and I are of not of the same race etc. and the timing of several things including birth control etc. makes this essentially impossible to be anyone one's but mine... BUT since I do believe it, I want to KNOW it for 100% sure in the context of my wife's horrible behavior. If I did find out he wasn't mine he would STILL BE MINE FOREVER, but I just want to be able to exist knowing for sure, so hence we will test.

 

3. My wife did get tested for STD's last week, she claims she will provide me written results. If not I of course will be tested before I am with someone else but I want her to bare some responsibility to get this done.

 

4. I will begin copy records of everything I have (much of this I have already done, I am a big "Evernote" user and have scanned everything since all time) and start keeping records of site in the event of divorce.

 

5. I will attend what would have been a IC session for my wife on Monday as a MC session. My primary intention to make sure the therapist is made aware she has been lying to all of us in counseling for the last 7 weeks. She will attend IC later in the week, I may... we will see. I have taken a bit of time off work as I am not in a state to work for now.

 

Notice I haven't said "divorce." Look honestly I don't see how we DON'T get divorced now. I had really convinced myself that I wasn't attentive to her as a spouse after the kids came and while she bares 100% responsibility for the same I thought I could save this marriage in the context that perhaps she was a damaged person who succumbed to a terrible choice because she was depressed and unhappy. I thought if I could fix that part of our marriage and with the help of MC and IC and a willing wife to really bare her soul we might have a chance that made the future BETTER than a divorce, if not as good as I had once hoped. Now I see the truth. My wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist. It wasn't the kids that made our relationship bad, it was her near constant cheating ever since the kids came! She made it clear to me that in her mind she didn't feel tremendous guilt or concern because in her mind when she went to work (actually at work) or I was on the road her behaviors that made her happy and satisfied that no harm on our marriage. As long as she was waiting for me when I came home with open arms and was a "good" wife, lover and mother when I was there in her mind her behavior was ok. She truly never wanted these men for relationships it was all about having her cake and eating it to, thats why it was always so "easy" for her to quit jobs and go NC, because I am "number #1" and her "priority" but that she always looks for ways to find another to exist on the side.

 

I have no idea how to fix this and I feel I no longer even want to. For now I think I'll exist in limbo in the guest room for the next week or two, trying to get on my own two feet... take immediate emergency actions to protect me in the future and perhaps soon start moving towards a permeant fix for the rest of my life.

 

7 1/2 weeks ago I had the best wife in any room. My life was a storybook dream, fantastic career, fantastic kids, home, cars, vacations, money, and a wife and marriage that was the envy of everyone who knew us. Today I sit here thinking about 8 years of cheating, my wife screwing a guy all over our house, bringing a guy to our house while our kids were here and on and on and on. My life has been a lie and it is crushing beyond belief.

 

But see? STILL no extreme consequences FOR HER.

 

She's still in her pretty house, driving the same car, sleeping in her comfy bed playing perfect wife and Mommy to the world.

 

No skin off her nose.

 

She just needs to figure out how to get you to fall back in line again like before you "knew"!

 

And you did NOT have a perfect life 8 weeks ago!!!! Stop thinking that! The life you THOUGHT you HAD isn't the life she was handing you!

 

Let's be real for a minute...you were living under false pretenses for the past 8+ years, at least!

 

Everything she's said and done is a lie based on the FACT that she's been plotting and planning her cheating methods for 8 years.

 

THAT is NOT a perfect life if you expected that your W was being faithful! But she's not that woman you believed her to be! You are now faced with being married to a woman you never knew. You THOUGHT you knew her - but she simply isn't the gal you thought she was.

 

 

Now, can you live with this stranger who lies, cheats and doesn't have YOUR best interest in mind? That is for you to decide. But quit thinking you know her because you really don't!

 

 

It seems useful to strip her of every luxury she's experienced by being married to you. Including getting her out of YOUR personal space so you can think and feel what you need to - in order to gain some clarity without her "persuasions".

Edited August 24, 2014 by 2sunny

[aliveagain]

There is one other question I have been holding off asking but I think is important you ask, "how much interaction have your children had with O/M in your home?" They must know that mommy brought friends home and that these friends may have slept in your bed. They may need counselling too. Your wife had to share information about her infidelities with friends, you need to know who these are because by keeping her secret they have proven that they are not friends of your marriage.

 

The fact that she brought men into your home with your children there will go a long way to prove to the Courts how poor her judgement was should you ever get into a custody battle. Keep your records at work or at a family members home so she can't get access to them.

[beach]

You can't go backwards and now UNKNOW what you know! That's kind of what she is expecting you to do - especially if she considers herself "cured"! That's seriously laughable! Is she really THAT ignorant about the damage she's caused?

 

Betraying self will cause illness for yourself.

 

How do YOU plan to honor YOURSELF?

[Buckeye2]

My wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist. It wasn't the kids that made our relationship bad, it was her near constant cheating ever since the kids came! She made it clear to me that in her mind she didn't feel tremendous guilt or concern because in her mind when she went to work (actually at work) or I was on the road her behaviors that made her happy and satisfied that no harm on our marriage. As long as she was waiting for me when I came home with open arms and was a "good" wife, lover and mother when I was there in her mind her behavior was ok. She truly never wanted these men for relationships it was all about having her cake and eating it to, thats why it was always so "easy" for her to quit jobs and go NC, because I am "number #1" and her "priority" but that she always looks for ways to find another to exist on the side.

 

For now I think I'll exist in limbo in the guest room for the next week or two, trying to get on my own two feet... take immediate emergency actions to protect me in the future and perhaps soon start moving towards a permeant fix for the rest of my life.

 

 

You have made great progress. You have things figured out so you no longer have to torture yourself about what you should have or could have done.

 

 

It's like you have taken the proper medicine and now you need time to heal. I think you're taking the proper steps.

[drifter777]

Your wife is sick, and you can't control HER illness. The sickness she has may or may not be treatable and either way you and your children will continue to be collateral damage on her desperate pursuit of men who will make her feel desired and special. They offer her a beautiful fantasy in return for sex while you offer her real life - complete with all the mundane chores of working and raising kids and taking care of the house and everything else that goes with a normal family life. Stop apologizing that you are unable to give her the fantasy she is looking for because married life is hard for everyone.

 

So I repeat: you cannot manage her illness and it will continue to hurt you and your kids if you stay and try. Its not just about you anymore, her behavior is an example for your children of how a mommy is supposed to act. The intense pain, anger, and drama going on in your marriage is picked up on by your kids and guess what? They find a way to blame themselves because right now, in their minds, mommy and daddy are like Gods who are never wrong. They think they are somehow causing or contributing to all of this. For you to continue to stay and fight for a marriage with a sick wife who is incapable of fidelity is not noble - it's boarding on child abuse. You are becoming as selfish as your wife if you continue to put your own fears and insecurities above their needs.

 

Do the 180 now. Talk to a lawyer and find out if you can kick her out or take the kids and leave yourself. End all unnecessary communication with her and scratch off any counseling sessions that she is involved in. Make it clear to her that you are finished with the marriage and will interact with her only for parenting issues. File for divorce as soon as possible. Be tough and don't give in to her attempts to manipulate you with tears and/or sex. Don't give in to your own fantasy that you can somehow "save" your marriage. That time has passed. Your family is in a severe crisis and you are the only one that can lead everyone to safety. Do your job.

[beach]

Going to the counseling session WITH her shows you intend to work on the M.

 

Make a phone call to the counselor. Tell what you know and let her go alone.

 

Everything you do means something to her. Going with her sends a firm message that you're still involved in fixing her. That is for her to figure out. You can't do it for her.

 

Not going sends a better message at this point = I don't care enough to make the effort for you when it's actually yours to do.

 

In fact, become more removed with emotions and actions. Allow her to REALLY think you're over it. It's a matter that will help your sanity level for now.

 

Not saying it's forever this way - but at least for now. Let HER be MORE invested in her infidelity than you are.

[James-London]

how come you are the one going to the spare room to sleep?? I only just picked upon that. You tell the LS community how assertive you are being, but then you go and do that?? She should not even be in the spare room. If she has to be under your roof, put her in the garage or dog's kennel, for goodness sake.

 

I am starting to wonder whether she is lying in bed at night saying to herself: "i really think i might be able to get away with this!! Just hold out for another few weeks, and then I can go back to screwing around like usual".

 

mate - they are down there somewhere in your trousers... please grab a hold of them and assert yourself, for goodness sake.

[2sunny]

People ask me what my plan is moving forward... I want to be careful here incase she somehow, anyhow reads this but it is safe to say this...

 

I have never taken divorce off the table since Day 1, I even visited a lawyer, but in my heart and you all have seen it... I never wanted anything else besides reconciliation. In the last 7 weeks I have done weekly date nights, tons of talking, reasoning, therapy, sex, you name it. I've even looked (but didn't plan on acting on it for a long time) at how I could reset her diamond engagement ring in all new settings and "start over." I had honestly decided that although it would never be the marriage I signed up for and I would always have some pain, that if she and I became truly recommitted and happier on a day to day basis than ever before it would be worth it for her, for the life we built, and especially for the kids.

 

Today? Today I am dead inside. I certainly don't want date night. I don't want sex. I really don't want anything. I wish I could say I'm motivated to run to a divorce lawyer but I feel just nothing... for anything.

 

My plan?

 

1. Immediately I plan to take action on Monday to eliminate joint accounts and credit cards that would at risk should she decide to take rash actions. I have no intention of hiding money, being unfair in a divorce etc. but I don't want my emergency funds to disappear in a blaze of glory to fight back for months to get credit for it in a divorce.

 

2. On monday we will do an over the counter paternity test for my 2nd child. I have almost no doubt whatsoever he is mine for a variety of complicated reasons including the fact my wife and I are of not of the same race etc. and the timing of several things including birth control etc. makes this essentially impossible to be anyone one's but mine... BUT since I do believe it, I want to KNOW it for 100% sure in the context of my wife's horrible behavior. If I did find out he wasn't mine he would STILL BE MINE FOREVER, but I just want to be able to exist knowing for sure, so hence we will test.

 

3. My wife did get tested for STD's last week, she claims she will provide me written results. If not I of course will be tested before I am with someone else but I want her to bare some responsibility to get this done.

 

4. I will begin copy records of everything I have (much of this I have already done, I am a big "Evernote" user and have scanned everything since all time) and start keeping records of site in the event of divorce.

 

5. I will attend what would have been a IC session for my wife on Monday as a MC session. My primary intention to make sure the therapist is made aware she has been lying to all of us in counseling for the last 7 weeks. She will attend IC later in the week, I may... we will see. I have taken a bit of time off work as I am not in a state to work for now.

 

Notice I haven't said "divorce." Look honestly I don't see how we DON'T get divorced now. I had really convinced myself that I wasn't attentive to her as a spouse after the kids came and while she bares 100% responsibility for the same I thought I could save this marriage in the context that perhaps she was a damaged person who succumbed to a terrible choice because she was depressed and unhappy. I thought if I could fix that part of our marriage and with the help of MC and IC and a willing wife to really bare her soul we might have a chance that made the future BETTER than a divorce, if not as good as I had once hoped. Now I see the truth. My wife is a compartmentalizing narcissist. It wasn't the kids that made our relationship bad, it was her near constant cheating ever since the kids came! She made it clear to me that in her mind she didn't feel tremendous guilt or concern because in her mind when she went to work (actually at work) or I was on the road her behaviors that made her happy and satisfied that no harm on our marriage. As long as she was waiting for me when I came home with open arms and was a "good" wife, lover and mother when I was there in her mind her behavior was ok. She truly never wanted these men for relationships it was all about having her cake and eating it to, thats why it was always so "easy" for her to quit jobs and go NC, because I am "number #1" and her "priority" but that she always looks for ways to find another to exist on the side.

 

I have no idea how to fix this and I feel I no longer even want to. For now I think I'll exist in limbo in the guest room for the next week or two, trying to get on my own two feet... take immediate emergency actions to protect me in the future and perhaps soon start moving towards a permeant fix for the rest of my life.

 

7 1/2 weeks ago I had the best wife in any room. My life was a storybook dream, fantastic career, fantastic kids, home, cars, vacations, money, and a wife and marriage that was the envy of everyone who knew us. Today I sit here thinking about 8 years of cheating, my wife screwing a guy all over our house, bringing a guy to our house while our kids were here and on and on and on. My life has been a lie and it is crushing beyond belief.

 

You keep bearing the brunt of guilt for what SHE did. It's not YOURS to fix, and it never was!

 

You also keep thinking that you somehow did something wrong - when in reality it was her who did the wrong.

 

It's not YOURS to set things right!

 

She's completely broken, delusional and believes she's cured... There's not one single thing you can do to change that FOR HER!

 

You can do things to HELP YOURSELF! But you continue to stay in the mindset that somehow you are to blame = and that's part of the reason she will probably cheat again!

 

Your so busy making excuses FOR HER and PROTECTING her from any REAL consequences that she has no reason to do anything different now - except to get you to fall back in line and continue providing her with her nice, cushy lifestyle so she can get to hunting again.

 

I'm beginning to believe you are your own worst enemy by protecting her so much. Stop making it so easy for her to continue using you.

 

You have choices...instill some consequences that cut her off at the knees. She deserves punishment that's severe...she's done this with perfect intent TWICE!

 

Unless you love harm to self - I can't see why you continue investing in her.

 

There are wonderful women in the world that wouldn't do what she's done... She's a spoiled brat looking to take advantage of you again.

 

It will happen as long as YOU ALLOW it.