D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[betrayedandhurting]

You're still wishy washy about how you might handle it IF she ever cheats again - decide now. Have a plan just in case. It's best that way instead of "reacting" under critical circumstances.

 

Be sure and take care of yourself first! You can't offer anyone anything of value if you aren't your best self.

 

Map out what you expect from her. If she's not willing to hand you peace of mind on a silver platter even a year or five years from now she may be planning to cheat.

 

My exH cheated at the ten year mark. He waited another ten years to do it again (when I found out anyway).

 

What were the results of your tests? Any diseases?

 

You can say I've been wish washy in the past. That I shouldn't forgive her now. But I've been crystal clear with her and myself this time... There is no "3rd chance." She breaks NC for even a single text... Divorce. She has a private friendship with a man... Divorce. Affair... Divorce. Any secrets with other people... Divorce. Now, tomorrow, or 20 years in the future, no difference. There will NEVER, EVER, NEVER be another chance. Perfection now or it's over, her first warning after I discover something will be when she is served.

 

Will she cheat again...? I don't know, I certainly have no trust today but my choice is to reconcile knowing that I have to live with this pain and the potential for even more.

[betrayedandhurting]

We had a long talk last night and she was very open about the fact that it is clear to her now that her constant passive aggressive nature of the last 2 years, trying to find huge issues in the slightest perceived annoyances or imperfections in me and others was due to her trying to justify subconsciously her unacceptable behavior.

[harrybrown]

If there is potential for even more pain, get out now.

 

You have enough pain already.

[jm2013]

OP will go through the stages. Shock, sadness, and extreme anger. The old marriage is dead. You're going to look at your wife completely different. If you reconcile just go with the mindset that your marriage will be born again into something more fulfilling the old one didn't provide. Even if you divorce you're going to have risk. Perhaps risks even greater. Here are some statistical numbers to crunch over. But like others have said, I wouldn't give up happiness to stay. It sounds like you WERE happy though I'm not completely sure. That is something you're going to have to figure out in time. For me, I'm currently happy. My wife had an affair but she makes me happy now than ever before which is ironic.. And like you, I have laid out my plan of action. If I ever catch her breaking nc or think she's with somebody else I'll have the papers served to her work immediately.

 

Here are the divorce rates from past statistics

 

50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

 

So even if you divorced her and found another woman your chances are grim. You're better off dating for the rest of your life until you die or the kids leave the nest. The stresses of juggling multiple families and kids runs high. I'm sure those marriage are also riddled with infidelity as well. It's everywhere.

 

Good luck to you. I hope your marriage is able to strengthen and grow with you both being happy. LS will be here for you. This is a good outlet for venting or questions on how to deal with certain things in recovery. Also, therapy helps extremely well. They will provide the guidance you need to emotionally move forward from the train wreck.

[betrayedandhurting]

Thanks. Perhaps this is a subject for another thread but for those of you who stayed and attempted or succeeded in reconciliation what did the first 6 months look like. My wife and I are trying very hard and doing date nights, nights away, etc. each week to reconnect. We didn't do a lot of this is the last 9 years since kids and on one hand I am so excited and happy to be doing this but like I told my wife last night ... if only she or I said something years ago we could have had all this without our dates nights being because of a LTA that I now need to forever live with if I stay. It's such a double edge sword. We make love for hours on end in ways we haven't in a decade and while I wouldn't trade it now there is underlying truth it wasn't like this for a long time and perhaps that is a reason why my wife did this... which shows how warped she was.

 

What did your reconciliation look like? How much of your lives were "normal" how much were "reconnecting" and how much of your life was "talking about he affair with anger and sadness." Happy times for me are happy but feel like I *should* be mad/sad and not let her have happiness. I'm trying.

[2sunny]

What did my life look like? It was an amazing life - so perfect that I couldn't put my head around why he would need anything more.

 

We had FUN together! We golfed, went to baseball games with and without our kids. Went to events and outing on our own and with friends and family. I kept a perfect house and am an amazing cook. We traveled.

 

We had sex everyday or sometimes 2 times a day.

 

Bought gifts for each other often. Flowers for the house he did every week and shopped for gifts for me and the kids. New cars were standard every few years. Spent time talking and dreaming of our future. We had dear friends we saw often.

 

And he still cheated. He waited another ten years... But I figured if this life wasn't "enough" for him - then nothing would make him happy enough.

 

So don't go by my experience because everything was as perfect as it could have been and it still happened because he's a self entitled narcissist who will always want more than what he gets.

 

You will go through stages of grief, anger and happiness - that's normal under the circumstances. It's the same as a death. The wife you THOUGHT you knew doesn't exist. Hopefully she's changing and you will need to adjust to the truer, newer version of who she really is.

[ForeverTainted]

I am the ww. We are doing great but cheating wasn't a deal breaker for my H. My A was really short so it only took six week of R to be longer than the physical side. At first i made too much of an effort that wasnt sustainable and only stressed me out but My husband told me to relax. My second chance had only one stipulation and that was don't do it again. There were no other rules or requiremts. So, we have the same marriage as before. No dramatic end to one or symbolic death. But my boundaries are a whole lot better. And I punish myself. So we never fight and i never am angry with him.

[RightThere]

What did your reconciliation look like? How much of your lives were "normal" how much were "reconnecting" and how much of your life was "talking about he affair with anger and sadness." Happy times for me are happy but feel like I *should* be mad/sad and not let her have happiness. I'm trying.

 

For me, the first 6 months was rough post D-Day. I wanted to talk about the affair way too much. It was a coping mechanism to try and "understand" how we got to that point. Now I realize understanding it was overrated. Being a guy, you thing everything is "cause and effect." I did this, this and that, and that's what lead her astray.

 

It's foolish thinking. Best thing I did was focus just as much on myself as my relationship with the WW.

 

As for reconnecting, it is hard. You'll have moments of bliss and think what a great person your wife is. Then sometimes you'll have a fight about something and you think "I may have forgot to close the garage door, but you slept with someone else!". It is a hard road. Those that do reconcile have a lot of things going for them. A long term secret affair is not one of them.

 

My WW's affair is longer than I'm willing to admit. So the odd of successful reconciliation are very small. You'll need to know that going in. And although she tells you it was simply "an hour or two a week," don't buy it for a second. For three years, it was much more involved, connected, and deeper than you can possibly imagine.

[jm2013]

I moved back into my house I think at the beginning of March or the end of February. It's been a challenging road since D-day which ironically is about a year this week since I uncovered things. When I initially found out I was for the divorce and told her that's what she'll be expecting. Ironically we were still having sex. There was a period of hyper bonding which I think you're going through right now. We still have a ton of sex and it has almost been a year later and doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon. Our sex is way better now too. So after a year our relationship has grown strong. Even when I wasn't in my home my wife was always there trying to get me back. Admittedly some things were kind of weird like when I had a business trip planned for Vegas last January and she decided to book a flight and stay with me in my room. I guess looking back at it in retrospect she may have perhaps been scared I was going to get crazy and get hookers and have random one night stands. I'm not sure.

 

RightThere is absolutely right. My wife and I don't argue anymore and are way more open to each other and communicate on a level that's never been there. BUT if we say do have a disagreement I think she can see it in my eyes when I'm thinking about her affair. Or if we're watching something on TV that may trigger something. IT's definitely a hard road that has its ups and downs as far as mentally being able to move forward.

 

Also, I was one of those BSs who asked my wife tons of questions and asked them a million different times. There are things that are most likely hidden from you about the affair to "try" and limit the damage that has already been done. These are things you may or may not want to hear. I believe I'm in the 90 something % range of truth in my wife's affair. I'm sure she has refrained from telling me some of the other stuff. But who knows. Also, I know it's got to also be stressful for the WS to hear it every single day while the BS is going through the pain. Once the initial shock and awe wears off I'd try and limit the recycling of everything. I was pretty constant with that but my wife is pretty patient with me. She'll always tell me it's ok to talk about my feelings and seems to understand and will always be there to ask me if there's anything she can do to make me feel better if I'm having a bad day. I know those are probably canned talking points from the counselor but it feels comforting and she's stuck with it.

 

Also, I don't think your wife will have her internal happiness. If anything she also may be struggling a but emotionally as well. I think it hits some WS's hard when they see their spouse in such emotional termoil. Also the thought that they brought their marriage and family to defcon 4 is probably unsettling. It's definitely hard work for both parties involved in any reconciliation. Your anger might start bubbling up here soon. During this process I know little things like my wife's ring kind of upset me. Knowing she wore her wedding ring while banging another man is unsettling. I'm not even sure why she wears it now and what significance it even carries. I tossed my ring in the drawer and haven't worn it since dday.

[Stellar Wench]

I insisted early on and she since has always been careful to refer to the affair as a choice never a mistake. Obviously I slipped and perhaps that shows my subconscious bias.

Perhaps your own fears of being alone. Perhaps you'd rather be with someone who has treated you so disrespectfully than being without her.

 

Funny how you've put down the red line of no more cheating, yet you've rewarded her past indiscretion with date nights and hours of sex. Be diligent, because the next time she gets bored, she'll just be better at being deceptive because so far, there's only been threats about future behavior, but little penance for what she's done in the past.

[betrayedandhurting]

Perhaps your own fears of being alone. Perhaps you'd rather be with someone who has treated you so disrespectfully than being without her.

 

Funny how you've put down the red line of no more cheating, yet you've rewarded her past indiscretion with date nights and hours of sex. Be diligent, because the next time she gets bored, she'll just be better at being deceptive because so far, there's only been threats about future behavior, but little penance for what she's done in the past.

 

Look if by punishment or penance you mean divorce I agree I'm not doing that right now. But I have huge anger. I struggle not to grill her and throw in her face the horror of just how disrespectful having an affair was but how she conducted herself in the affair. I let her have it frankly way too much and for too long to be healthy long term. What I am supposed to do, ignore my attraction to my hot wife and starve her of sex? Make the reconciliation miserable 100% of the time by making no effort to have even moment of good time with my wife a week at a dinner, movie or hotel? If your argument is the only price she can pay is divorce I get your point but how does trying to have a good sex life and take practical steps to making your marriage better in a reconciliation a bad thing?

[merrmeade]

We still have a ton of sex and it has almost been a year later and doesn't seem like it's going away any time soon. Our sex is way better now too. So after a year our relationship has grown strong.

 

I've seen this mentioned a lot by BSs but it's funny I've never seen anyone explain it the way I've felt about it. To me, it was SO clear to me that he thought it was something he could do for me like compensation and that good sex proved that we were fine, great and would even make me forget. It actually embarrassed me for him that anyone's thinking could be so simplistic, immature and off-base. There was just so much about it that I found disappointing in terms of what it said about him.

 

Nevertheless, I took advantage of the opportunity as my prerogative and right and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I figured there was no point in following through with whatever scruples I had about it since he wouldn't get it anyway.

[betrayedandhurting]

I moved back into my house I think at the beginning of March or the end of February. It's been a challenging road since D-day which ironically is about a year this week since I uncovered things. When I initially found out I was for the divorce and told her that's what she'll be expecting. Ironically we were still having sex. There was a period of hyper bonding which I think you're going through right now. We still have a ton of sex and it has almost been a year later and doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon. Our sex is way better now too. So after a year our relationship has grown strong. Even when I wasn't in my home my wife was always there trying to get me back. Admittedly some things were kind of weird like when I had a business trip planned for Vegas last January and she decided to book a flight and stay with me in my room. I guess looking back at it in retrospect she may have perhaps been scared I was going to get crazy and get hookers and have random one night stands. I'm not sure.

 

RightThere is absolutely right. My wife and I don't argue anymore and are way more open to each other and communicate on a level that's never been there. BUT if we say do have a disagreement I think she can see it in my eyes when I'm thinking about her affair. Or if we're watching something on TV that may trigger something. IT's definitely a hard road that has its ups and downs as far as mentally being able to move forward.

 

Also, I was one of those BSs who asked my wife tons of questions and asked them a million different times. There are things that are most likely hidden from you about the affair to "try" and limit the damage that has already been done. These are things you may or may not want to hear. I believe I'm in the 90 something % range of truth in my wife's affair. I'm sure she has refrained from telling me some of the other stuff. But who knows. Also, I know it's got to also be stressful for the WS to hear it every single day while the BS is going through the pain. Once the initial shock and awe wears off I'd try and limit the recycling of everything. I was pretty constant with that but my wife is pretty patient with me. She'll always tell me it's ok to talk about my feelings and seems to understand and will always be there to ask me if there's anything she can do to make me feel better if I'm having a bad day. I know those are probably canned talking points from the counselor but it feels comforting and she's stuck with it.

 

Also, I don't think your wife will have her internal happiness. If anything she also may be struggling a but emotionally as well. I think it hits some WS's hard when they see their spouse in such emotional termoil. Also the thought that they brought their marriage and family to defcon 4 is probably unsettling. It's definitely hard work for both parties involved in any reconciliation. Your anger might start bubbling up here soon. During this process I know little things like my wife's ring kind of upset me. Knowing she wore her wedding ring while banging another man is unsettling. I'm not even sure why she wears it now and what significance it even carries. I tossed my ring in the drawer and haven't worn it since dday.

 

My ring is off. I really miss wearing my ring it feels strange without it but the meaning and words she said to me when she put it on were a lie.

 

I requested my wife give me her engagement ring and anniversary band that she wore during the affair and she knows she is never getting them back ever. At best years down the line if things go better and I get to a place of peace in my marriage Id consider replacing them with new but I will never look at the ring I slipped on my wife's finger 15 years ago on her hand again after I know it touched another man. Never. Now she wears a thin band that she hadn't worn in years.

[jm2013]

I've seen this mentioned a lot by BSs but it's funny I've never seen anyone explain it the way I've felt about it. To me, it was SO clear to me that he thought it was something he could do for me like compensation and that good sex proved that we were fine, great and would even make me forget. It actually embarrassed me for him that anyone's thinking could be so simplistic, immature and off-base. There was just so much about it that I found disappointing in terms of what it said about him.

 

Nevertheless, I took advantage of the opportunity as my prerogative and right and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I figured there was no point in following through with whatever scruples I had about it since he wouldn't get it anyway.

 

I see what you're saying. My wife and I had great sex in the beginning. Later on in life I kind of got complacent. It got to the point where it was just a lights out things spoon position for a quick romp then turn around and go to sleep. I think after doing that for so long things got perceived wrong. A lot of those types of things in our marriage was my fault. And of course her affair was nobody's fault but her own and she admits to that. Though at times I've gotten kind of shaken up during sex with her when I start thinking about the things she did with the other guy. Like if she grabbed him the same ways, said the same things etc. Who knows..

[merrmeade]

I see what you're saying. My wife and I had great sex in the beginning. Later on in life I kind of got complacent. It got to the point where it was just a lights out things spoon position for a quick romp then turn around and go to sleep. I think after doing that for so long things got perceived wrong. A lot of those types of things in our marriage was my fault. And of course her affair was nobody's fault but her own and she admits to that. Though at times I've gotten kind of shaken up during sex with her when I start thinking about the things she did with the other guy. Like if she grabbed him the same ways, said the same things etc. Who knows..

 

Wait - not sure we're saying the same thing. betrayedandhurting - and lots of us - enjoy the post-affair sex but justify it for different reasons maybe. I was just wondering if maybe it's hard to be clear about what it means. Not saying I know, but I was pretty cynical about H's motives (and don't feel like dragging myself through the explanation of him at the moment). Enough to say - I think it's just fine for b/h to enjoy sex his WW owes him anyway and don't see that he's "rewarding" her with something she doesn't deserve at all. They're married. That's where you're supposed to get it.

 

I do have a problem at times, realizing that my H misinterprets my willingness and enjoyment for Reconciliation. But, with his other attitudes, drop in the bucket. So, like I said - I look at it now without an ounce of idealism or romance. It's for me.

 

Man, I sound pretty scary! It definitely hardens you as person — being cheated on, lied to, humiliated and lied to some more.

[RightThere]

Look if by punishment or penance you mean divorce I agree I'm not doing that right now. But I have huge anger. I struggle not to grill her and throw in her face the horror of just how disrespectful having an affair was but how she conducted herself in the affair. I let her have it frankly way too much and for too long to be healthy long term. What I am supposed to do, ignore my attraction to my hot wife and starve her of sex? Make the reconciliation miserable 100% of the time by making no effort to have even moment of good time with my wife a week at a dinner, movie or hotel? If your argument is the only price she can pay is divorce I get your point but how does trying to have a good sex life and take practical steps to making your marriage better in a reconciliation a bad thing?

 

Be very careful with assuming a good sex life and a good marriage are the same. Men have sex and assume things are good between couples. Women use sex to make men think things are OK.

[maaz3231]

Your story has a lot of similarities to mine with a few exceptions. I have been married 8 years and have two children. I don't make a whole lot of money (public service) and my wife doesn't work anymore. At the five year mark, she had an EA. At the six year mark, she had a PA. It's been two years and a couple of months since the PA. To this day I am still devastated. Her PA only lasted two weeks. I still think about it at least once a day to this day. I think about it much less than I did before, but I still get that “punched in the gut” feeling when I do think about it. After she outed herself to the PA and the previous stuff, she did the same as your wife, passwords to everything, showing true remorse, no contact, etc. It's still that way to this day, however I still can't help reliving the past. It does get better, but some of the raw bitterness stays. And some days are far better than others. My wife is well aware that if there is ever another incident, the marriage will quickly end. I still love her very much and want the marriage to work. I believe she does too. I really do hope the misery of reliving the past eases even more. If you really love her, and she seems to be doing the right things, I would give it a chance. What do you have to lose anyways. You've pretty much lost it all already. Things could become so much better if you allow that opportunity to play out. If after giving it time you are still not happy, then you still have the option to divorce.

[ForeverTainted]

Be very careful with assuming a good sex life and a good marriage are the same. Men have sex and assume things are good between couples. Women use sex to make men think things are OK.

 

Agree with the first part but strongly disagree with the second. Such a broa brush stroke that hardly fits everyone or even most people. Sigh* i am a woman and never in my life have I had sex to make a man think everything is okay. And if we have sex but I am upset with something my H doesn't assume anything. I hardly think the OP thinks everything is okay. And not one person here knows what she is thinking at all or her motives. People really ahould lay off the OP. I think he got it at the beginning.

[Striver]

Agree with the first part but strongly disagree with the second. Such a broa brush stroke that hardly fits everyone or even most people. Sigh* i am a woman and never in my life have I had sex to make a man think everything is okay. And if we have sex but I am upset with something my H doesn't assume anything. I hardly think the OP thinks everything is okay. And not one person here knows what she is thinking at all or her motives. People really ahould lay off the OP. I think he got it at the beginning.

 

In my case that did happen once the EA started. WW had weird trips to her cousin's house where she would come back grumpy or weird acting. I don't know what went on there, if OM was there (they all knew each other) or if there was plotting or bashing of me, it really doesn't matter at this point.

 

A couple of times when she wanted to make an extra trip to her cousin's to purportedly comfort her cousin on the cousin's dating issues, she offered an extra session of sex as trade. This was something she never did before in the relationship. The offer was the red flag. The sex acts were the same as usual. But for her evidently the sex act became something to please me instead of shared intimacy.

[Stellar Wench]

Look if by punishment or penance you mean divorce I agree I'm not doing that right now. But I have huge anger. I struggle not to grill her and throw in her face the horror of just how disrespectful having an affair was but how she conducted herself in the affair. I let her have it frankly way too much and for too long to be healthy long term. What I am supposed to do, ignore my attraction to my hot wife and starve her of sex? Make the reconciliation miserable 100% of the time by making no effort to have even moment of good time with my wife a week at a dinner, movie or hotel? If your argument is the only price she can pay is divorce I get your point but how does trying to have a good sex life and take practical steps to making your marriage better in a reconciliation a bad thing?

Please stop being defensive. I did not mention divorce, you did. Some anger and grilling and being in her face is totally appropriate right now. Those are consequences. Date nights and hot sex is not consequence, it's positive reinforcement that proves nothing other than you're bargaining to keep from losing your wife.

 

Again, you are not the one with the problem here. Your wife is. She is the one who should be taking the steps to fix the marriage. You are rewarding her behavior.

 

I mentioned that a requirement of reconciliation should be that she stays in IC. I suggest you ditch the MC for now in favor of some IC for yourself.

[bubbaganoosh]

You have been given a lot of good advice here and so far, I along with the other people who posted on here would like to know just what is your deal breaker?

 

I'm one of those that believe that if you cheat, your gone. No excuses, no explanations. You did the deed and now your gone, and if the shoe is on the other foot and I was the one cheating, I would expect the same in return.

 

Now, she cheated on two occasions and it wasn't a one time wham bam thing. It was a full blown affair with plenty of sex. PLENTY OF UNPROTECTED SEX.

 

She never once fouled the OM's home and had sex there but she had no problem stinking up your home where you live, your children live and brought this man in your home and screwed him no doubt in your bed. I can't buy using a old couch when there's a bed.

 

She threw out her old underwear. Why? if anything you should find out if she can throw out her old vagina and get a new one. What good is throwing out underwear when she's not wearing them?

 

She has given you a first class look inside her mind. She has shown you that she has no respect for you. None, zip, nada, zilch. She has sworn she would end it and she did it again.

 

She now is going to the ends of the earth to save her ass from getting thrown out, not the marriage. Married life to her is good. Being on her own is not good for her and she knows it.

 

IMO, it comes down to this. You have to go out of town often. Even if you only had to travel of twenty minuets to work and didn't have to travel, your life right now every time you leave has these nagging questions going through your head.

 

1. Is she where she says she is?. She did before and look what happened.

 

2. Is she doing what she says she's doing?. She lied through her teeth to you and look where it got you.

 

3. Is she with who she says she's with? Same as above.

 

It's bad enough she had an affair. You were man enough to forgive her. I'll tip my hat to you for that because I couldn't. Now she has another affair and if it's not bad enough, she doesn't have the common sense to use protection so if she got a case of the "gleep" then bet your ass you would have too.

 

The she has the affair in your home. So the question is what is your deal breaker? Your in for one miserable life with her and IMO, the sooner you hand her her walking papers, the better off you will be. The cards are in your favor and you really need a fresh start.

 

This woman is poison and you better do something real fast because she's playing her card like a champ and honestly, she's winning hands down.

[SycamoreCircle]

I've been following this post for some time, reserving my opinion. I just wanted to say---a young woman where I work was involved with a guy for several years. They lived together. She's a very level headed young woman. A few weeks ago she noticed something and went to the doctor. She had a venereal disease. She snooped the boyfriend's e-mail and discovered his affair. She confronted him. He turned ghostly white. She ended things.

 

i know you have built a lot with your wife. But I would be worried, going forward with such a person as this, that every time I have sex with her my safety is being put at risk. How could such circumstances be conducive to true heightened intimacy?

[dental]

Look if by punishment or penance you mean divorce I agree I'm not doing that right now. But I have huge anger. I struggle not to grill her and throw in her face the horror of just how disrespectful having an affair was but how she conducted herself in the affair. I let her have it frankly way too much and for too long to be healthy long term. What I am supposed to do, ignore my attraction to my hot wife and starve her of sex? Make the reconciliation miserable 100% of the time by making no effort to have even moment of good time with my wife a week at a dinner, movie or hotel? If your argument is the only price she can pay is divorce I get your point but how does trying to have a good sex life and take practical steps to making your marriage better in a reconciliation a bad thing?

 

Now I think I understand. You have the hots for your hot wife to the extend that your emotions override your ratio. People here are appealing to your brain, but at this moment you are not listening to your head. Your emotions have taken over and make you look at your hot wife through pink glasses. You forgiving her for her indiscretions, sounds noble, but to me it looks like you choose not to see what's in front of you. This is your choice and your life, but considering this situation, future infidelity from your hot wife seems inevitable. I wish everyone a happy life, so I hope I'm wrong.

[Buckeye2]

You can say I've been wish washy in the past. That I shouldn't forgive her now. But I've been crystal clear with her and myself this time... There is no "3rd chance." She breaks NC for even a single text... Divorce. She has a private friendship with a man... Divorce. Affair... Divorce. Any secrets with other people... Divorce. Now, tomorrow, or 20 years in the future, no difference. There will NEVER, EVER, NEVER be another chance. Perfection now or it's over, her first warning after I discover something will be when she is served.

 

Protect your finances. If she cheats and thinks you're about to find out, she'll head for the bank.

[merrmeade]

Protect your finances. If she cheats and thinks you're about to find out, she'll head for the bank.

 

Really - at the very least.