Boyfriend and I can't get through a week without fighting over the SAME issue

[Melissa_Mero]

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Early into the relationship, I started to feel very strongly for him. I never really had any serious relationships before him, and I definitely had not fallen for anyone as hard as I fell for him - he was/is the first guy I believe I actually fell in love with. So anyways, things started off wonderfully, but I was clueless about some things. I never set any real boundaries, and neither did he - yet we both were committed and we did discuss how we wouldn't tolerate any sort of cheating. 2-3 months into the relationship

 

I became aware of this girl my boyfriend seemed to be really close with. He had told me how he wanted to buy her something special for her birthday, so I assumed she was a close friend as he always referred to her as a "friend whom he really trusted." When I found out they were hanging one on one a lot more (and my bf became really cold with me during this time) - I spoke to a mutual friend of ours who ended up telling me that this "close friend" was in fact an ex of his. I confronted my bf about this, and he told me that she was an ex but because of what they had in the past was so meaningless - he felt it was more appropriate to refer to her as a friend, as opposed to an ex.

 

Anyway, I sucked it up, and tried to get over it. But I couldn't help but make connections between how around the time he started to neglect me, he got closer with her. As time went on, this girl became more and more prominent in our lives. She even came crying to my bf about how she wanted him back but my bf apparently told her to back off (according to what he has told). I tried to get over that as well, and let their friendship continue because I trusted my boyfriend. But this girl continued to get to me by being all of my boyfriend's social network pages, acting like they were the bestest of friends. I, THEN, found out that this same ex had cheated on my bf thrice in the past - at that point I blew up at my bf.

 

I couldn't get HOW on earth he could be so CLOSE to an ex who had cheated on him that many times! After that, I made it clear to my bf that I couldn't continue this relationship if he kept ties with her. He did eventually cut her off, and they are no longer on speaking terms. That said, up to this day, everything that happened bothers me SO much. The effort I used to make for my boyfriend has decreased considerably, I definitely do not feel as strongly for him as I did before. And my bf sees this as well.

 

He's madly in love with me now, and treats me well to the best of his ability, but I can't seem to stop thinking about how the whole scenerio with his ex played out. I feel betrayed, even though I don't have any substantial proof for him cheating. I just felt like my bf was being so damn shady during that time - deleting facebook messages, avoiding her topic like a plague, wanting to buy her gifts, neglecting me in the process.. and I don't know.

 

I still get pissed over this issue frequently and we always end up fighting about this on a weekly basis. I just feel hurt that the one person I had really fallen in love with, did not live up to my expectations at well when I wanted him to. Although, he's the ideal boyfriend NOW, I can't seem to appreciate it anymore. There's just no end to this. Am I absolutely insane?

[Poppyolive]

I don't think you're insane. It's obviously a big issue for you. Maybe you need to break up with him? I don't think he needs to hear your hurt time after time. It's not healthy for you to feel this way, time after time. Its becoming, if it hasn't already an unhealthy relationship.

 

This is what i would do, write out positives & negetives to this relationship. Decide whether you can forgive, let go and put 100% in to your relationship. Or decide its too much to let go of that feeling and him being shady and break up. Right now you fight weekly over the same issue, he has stopped all contact and is loving you, so why is he still being put through the ringer? Why are you tormenting your self?

 

I'm afraid this seems to now just be your issue. You need to decide what you want to do. If you decide to stay then you will need to some help in releasing this ache.

[FitChick]

Try couples counseling.

[Leaving]

You have every right to be mad because he lied to you numerous of times and if your're going to forgive then it's going to take time but it seems your trust is now gone and something he needs to earn back

[Liverpool Bloke]

Feel for You Melissa.I went through exactly the same.Found this to be the tip of the iceberg tho'check his phone & laptop if You need to know.Remember'don`t let the cheating rats destroy your trust in a new love.That kind of heartless cheat will want You to be too bitter to find a wonderful new guy with honour and respect for You.Hold onto your heart & soul,don't change your beautiful trusting heart and You will soon have forgotten all about that loverat and find true love with a real man.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's still got a soft spot for her. It's obvious from his affection for her and unwillingness to cut her off, nevermind the fact that he lied for ages about who she is and their background. How long would he have kept up the "just a friend" charade if you hadn't found out? That's utter BS on his parr. You already know he's not an open book with you, so you're absolutely not insane to feel less attracted to him. How else are you supposed to feel?

 

I think there's likely a lot more you don't know. He didn't even let you know her real connection to him, so I can't imagine that he's been honest about anything else regarding this girl. Are they still in contact, that you know of? What does he tell you about their relationship now?

 

My opinion is that he broke your trust so early in the relationship that it's very difficult to build anything healthy on that. It may be a deal-breaker; I know it would've been for me. If you want to stay, you may need counselling together to work past it. I wouldn't trust him, either.

[No Limit]

No trust, no relationship. I think you should seriously consider if you want to be with someone who obviously isn't over his ex.

[smackie9]

You have two choices A) forgive him, and enjoy what you have now knowing he honored your boundary and cut off contact with her. He now treats you the way you want to be treated. That must account for something right?

 

or B) Breakup with him because it is so unfair to be punishing him continuously about it. It is unhealthy, and this relationship is doomed because eventually he will have had enough and dump you. I doubt very highly you will even be able to trust him so if I were you, I would breakup with him and end the suffering.

[bathtub-row]

He lost your trust when he lied to you about the relationship in the first place. Omitting information is the same as lying. Given everything else that happened after that, you feel betrayed.

 

The problem is, you want to believe that he's trustworthy but he isn't. That's why you keep having the same argument over and over again because you can't accept that fact. You don't want to believe it. His current behavior isn't relevant because of this underlying, unresolved issue.

 

You're not the first person to be disappointed in the person they love -- whether it's your first love or 7th. It hurts no matter what.

 

As the saying goes about reputation -- it takes years to build it, seconds to destroy it. You're trying to rebuild something that isn't easily rebuilt.