Are male friends allowed?

[Good5Karma]

My boyfriend and I have been together for the past 2 years and have lived together for about 5 months. Recently, my female friend, who lives several hours away, told me that her male friend from would be in my town and asked if I would meet up with him and take him out to see my town. I met him a few years ago so I thought it would be ok. When I told my boyfriend about it, he got mad, and and accused my friend of trying to "hook me up" with the guy from out of town. Also, my boyfriend proceeds to call his own friend to ask what he thinks of the situation. Of course his friend agreed that I was trying to pull something shady by hanging out with the guy from out of town. In all honesty, I had no bad intentions in hanging out with him. I was simply doing my friend a favor by showing him around.

 

Is it bad that I was ok with showing the guy around or is my boyfriend insecure?? I would love to hear your opinions...

[quankanne]

sounds like he doesn't have any experiences of his own to base this own, so he's questioning you. or he honestly might be insecure about this.

 

share with him what you have with us, that your friend asked for you to be a friendly face to him while he's in town, and that you'd really enjoy joining your boyfriend to show him the sights. That way your guy doesn't feel left out or suspicious about your intentions and your friend's guy gets to hang out with BOTH of you.

[oldfashion]

IMO , you should ask your bf before you make any decisions or you can be like " i want to do a favor my friend by showing him around and i want you to join us"

 

I would be angry if my S.O. did something like that.

[bluechocolate]

I'm not quite sure what the big deal about this is.

 

....he got mad, and and accused my friend of trying to "hook me up" with the guy from out of town

 

Why would he do that? Is your boyfriend the "jealous type"? Is he control freak? Doesn't he trust you? Has he any reason to mistrust you or your friend?

 

Granted he may be uncomfortable about you showing a "strange" man around town - so he meets the guy with you & joins you on your journies and/or satisfies himself that there is nothing to worry about because he trusts you.

[jmargel]

If I was told that story I would be very weary too. Why didn't you ask him to join you two? Why didn't 'you' show him the respect by at least asking your bf first? You met this guy once and now decide to take him on a tour of the town, which is basically a date? And why can't your 'friend' do this, since he is 'her' friend, not yours.

 

I would be pissed too. Not only do you have a free pass to go out with a guy for the day but you didn't even talk to your bf about it until after you said yes. This guy friend has nothing to lose as well. He won't be around long, so any flirtation/moves he does is basically consequential free.

 

Trust me, if a guy thinks he can get away with something more than likely 'most' not all will try it. How would you feel if he took some chick out for a 'tour of the town' without asking you first?

 

I'm sorry you may sound innocent on here, but something strange is up. Something is brewing..

[CoolAunt]

Originally posted by jmargel

How would you feel if he took some chick out for a 'tour of the town' without asking you first?

This says it all. The good ol' golden rule. And that's how you can fix this, too. Tell your boyfriend that you'd never even consider cheating on him with this guy or any other guy (if that's true, and I'm sure that it is), so you didn't think much about agreeing to show the guy around town. But after your bf brought it up, you thought about how you'd feel if he were to show a strange girl around town one day without even talking to you about it first (assuming that you wouldn't like it either, and you probably wouldn't). Then, ask him if he'd like to join you if the visitor hasn't already come and gone.

[moimeme]

This guy friend has nothing to lose as well. He won't be around long, so any flirtation/moves he does is basically consequential free.

 

Trust me, if a guy thinks he can get away with something more than likely 'most' not all will try it. How would you feel if he took some chick out for a 'tour of the town' without asking you first?

 

Once again, some male is speaking as though all males are so frikkin irresistable that all they have to do is put 'moves' on a woman and she'll abandon her own bf and fall into bed with him. Give us a little more credit than that!!!

 

Unless they're living together, she didn't need to 'ask' him and she did tell him. Showing somebody around town is just a kindly thing to do for a friend.

 

I feel awful sorry for people who have such little trust in their partners that they flip out over something like this.

[rble618740]

I think this conflict is a common conflict. Basically, each couple decides what is acceptable in their relationship when it comes to dealing with opposite sex. Just chalk this up to a disconnect in that arena, and lay some ground rules. I think people's ideas on this topic are influenced a lot by their parents. I'm not usually of that opinion, but in this arena I am. I think you should reassure him, let him know that it should have occurred to you to talk to him about this arrangement first (but it didn't), and that you'd love to have him join you. If you lay out some parameters for dealing with the opposite sex and your man still show jealous tendencies, or if he violates that rules in his dealings with women, then it's time to see if there's not a deeper problem. At this point, I think it really could be a simple misunderstanding.

[whichwayisup]

It would have been better if she had asked Is it possible that you and your boyfriend take out my male friend, show him around town? She did put you in a spot and that's not right.

 

Tell your boyfriend that you both will do it if he comes into town...But if he is acting out and upset about it tell your friend to find someone else to entertain this guy.

[binturong]

I, personally, would never put myself in the situation to be around a strange guy one on one all day. Not that I'll ever cheat on my husband, but I don't want there to be any opportunity for it to even be a possibility. That's just me though, and my husband is a little paranoid about it because he's been cheated on in the past. It'd be different if this was a close friend of yours, but it isn't. It's some guy you barely know.

[Good5Karma]

The sentiment seems to be that I should have asked my bf first, so let me clear up the misunderstanding - he went ballistic WHEN I asked him. As for the comment that "something is brewing", there is nothing of the sort going on. I don't believe in cheating...no matter who the other dude is. Anyway, it seems like the jury is out on this one....besides the guy from out of town has come and gone, and I didn't even end up taking him anywhere. I guess some guys just can't handle this sort of thing.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by moimeme

Once again, some male is speaking as though all males are so frikkin irresistable that all they have to do is put 'moves' on a woman and she'll abandon her own bf and fall into bed with him. Give us a little more credit than that!!!

 

Unless they're living together, she didn't need to 'ask' him and she did tell him. Showing somebody around town is just a kindly thing to do for a friend.

 

I feel awful sorry for people who have such little trust in their partners that they flip out over something like this.

 

 

Tsk tsk.. when did I say the woman would go with the OM? Read what I said. What I said was that "This guy friend has nothing to lose as well. He won't be around long, so any flirtation/moves he does is basically consequential free.

Trust me, if a guy thinks he can get away with something more than likely 'most' not all will try it. "

 

I never said the woman would fall for it.

 

Think before you post. Your the one that seems to have some anger.

[bluechocolate]

The sentiment seems to be that I should have asked my bf first,

 

I think there was some confusion as to the substance of the conversation between yourself & your b/friend. Regardless, I maintain that personally I don't see what the big deal about this is -- meaning why on earth would your b/friend go ballistic?! I'm sure you have to "encounter" members of the opposite sex on a daily basis, don't you? How do you handle yourself in those situations?

 

from Moimeme

Showing somebody around town is just a kindly thing to do for a friend.

Precisely.

 

I guess some guys just can't handle this sort of thing.

 

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is if you want to be with that type of guy.

[moimeme]

Trust me, if a guy thinks he can get away with something more than likely 'most' not all will try it. "

 

I never said the woman would fall for it.

 

Then why care? So what if he 'tries' something or flirts and it goes nowhere?? What, exactly, is the big deal?

[jmargel]

The big deal is that some women will fall for it. Us as men don't like other guys hitting on our girls. I would assume it would be the same if some chick would be flirting with your husband or bf. She didn't give him the respect by asking him first. She also didn't ask him if he wanted to go along. This is a guy whom she only met one time before. She doesn't know 'anything' about this person.

 

Now if it was the other way around, where a taken guy was going off with a chick for a day on the town, alot of you women would be 'ooohh something is going on here.. red flags! watch it sister.. he may cheat on you'.

 

Hypocrites.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by jmargel

The big deal is that some women will fall for it. Us as men don't like other guys hitting on our girls. I would assume it would be the same if some chick would be flirting with your husband or bf. She didn't give him the respect by asking him first. She also didn't ask him if he wanted to go along. This is a guy whom she only met one time before. She doesn't know 'anything' about this person.

 

Now if it was the other way around, where a taken guy was going off with a chick for a day on the town, alot of you women would be 'ooohh something is going on here.. red flags! watch it sister.. he may cheat on you'.

 

Hypocrites.

 

I agree 100%.

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by jmargel

She didn't give him the respect by asking him first.

Far be it for me to speak on Good5Karma's behalf, but she did say:

 

The sentiment seems to be that I should have asked my bf first, so let me clear up the misunderstanding - he went ballistic WHEN I asked him.

[tanbark813]

But was she asking him if he would be okay with her going alone with the guy, or was she asking him to come along? Big difference.

 

I will agree, though, that the guy shouldn't have gone nuts about it, he should have simply stated what bothered him.

[RowanRavyn]

I think this is one of those things that bears knowing where you stand before hand, even though its likely not to come up in general conversation.

 

To answer the question in your thread title. YES, women can have guys for friends. However, there are several things that can affect your SO's ability to deal with it.

 

1. Have you always had lots of guy friends? If you have, then he should be used to and accepting of this by now. If you haven't and suddenly this pops up, then he is going to be suspicious even if its totally innocent.

 

2. What sort of relationship does he have with this friend of yours? Is she a party girl? If he sees her as a party girl, or knows that she dislikes him, then he might be led to suspect that she is trying to "hook you up."

 

3. Have you ever cheated on him? (this would certainly make him uneasy).

 

4. Is he a control freak? Jealous type in general? If he is, this might just be your indicator at how much you are going to have to deal with in your relationship.

 

I think its good that you went to him, whether you were asking him to come along, or asking his "permission" to do this favor for your friend. Since this has already come and gone, there isn't much you can do where your friend and her friend is concerned, but now you have to explore this.

 

Was this just a misunderstanding? Or was it a display of something more?

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by jmargel

The big deal is that some women will fall for it.

 

And the fact that SOME men are serial adulterers would give EVERY woman the right to demand of her bf / husband to always avoid female company?

 

Don't think the world could function that way though.

[jmargel]

Wrong.. There is a difference between just conversing with someone and taking someone on a date for the day to 'see the town'. If it bothers her bf this much, his feelings come first. She needs to respect his concerns & wishes, just like he should with her.

 

If going out with this guy is more important than what her bf feels about it, then the relationship is in trouble. Granted he shouldn't of yelled at her if he did, but it would be understandable for him to be upset.

[d'Arthez]

The logic you propound, Jmargel, is simply invalid.

 

Some men and some women would maybe cheat in the situation of the original poster.

 

You write:

The big deal is that some women will fall for it.

 

To generalize from the situation that some women might cheat in that situation, that all women could possibly cheat in the situation, is a generalization with enormous implications.

 

True, it is a hidden statement you made, which is basically a stated lack of trust on the part of the OP's bf. We don't know her personally, although it would not matter much. Therefore the hidden generalization is, that every woman could possibly cheat in that situation. Of course I take it you believe the likelihood a serial adulterer cheats given such an 'opportunity' is higher than when we talk about a true and true virtuous girl. But the possibility cannot be excluded.

 

If the original poster had told her bf about what she was going to do, and even if the bf agreed to let her, the chance to cheat did not magically disappear, nor will the friend who comes to see the town 'magically' be compelled not to hit on her.

 

Bf may be insecure in the relationship, but that is something he has to deal with, not burden her with. The possibility of cheating does not magically disappear when she is given permission by her bf to let her friend show town. He has to deal with his insecurity issues, but they will not be solved by keeping her at home.

 

Now consider:

If you reason from the position of distrust, this is roughly what follows:

 

Cheating only takes two persons, so the next time her boyfriend wants to spend an evening alone with one of his buddies, she'd better ask to come along. Both of them MIGHT be bi-sexual, or homosexual and bi-sexual. And of course you are well aware that no-one should blindly believe the words of their SO about their sexual orientation.

Of course the chances are very slim, but sexuality and sexual preferences are not completely static givens. The possibility of cheating cannot be excluded however. He might be cheating on her, with his buddy.

 

In short: every darn minute a man and a woman, and given the posibility of bisexuality and homosexuality, even two people of the same sex, spend together, the POSSIBILITY of cheating exits. BF-GF should be literally chained to each other to exclude the possibility of cheating.

[tanbark813]

d'Arthez: Okay, bro, we get that you like philosophy. Granted, looking at the situation from a completely logical perspective, the bf should express no concern whatsoever. Unfortunately, humans are blessed/burdened with an emotional side that logic cannot always deter. If a given person is upset about something, a loving SO should do what they can to ease that hurt. Of course, the bf in this case pretty much blew that if he did, in fact, go ballistic like the OP said.

 

Secondly, I think the idea of the possibility of her cheating is a tangential issue anyway. I think the bigger concern is the lack of respect shown by not inviting the bf along. Personally, when I'm with a girl, she gets put first. It's not a matter of the other person being controlling, or insecure, or demanding, etc., etc... They may very well be those things, but you can sidestep that whole mess by just showing the person you're with some respect.

 

The OP said she asked him about something, but it was never cleared up if the bf went ballistic when she asked if he was okay with it or asked him to come along. In the interest of this post, I assume it was the former.

 

Lastly, if you want to stick to your conclusion that "every darn minute a man and a woman, and given the posibility of bisexuality and homosexuality, even two people of the same sex, spend together, the POSSIBILITY of cheating exits", then that basically levels the possibility of cheating in all circumstances. To take that one step further, the bf should then be perfectly fine if she had cheated on him multiple times in the past, the guy in question was known to have lax moral values, and she was planning on going alone with him. I mean, if the possibility of cheating ALWAYS exists, then the circumstances or details of the situation are irrelevant and a given SO never has cause for alarm, whatever the case.

 

A famous quote I really like (and am just about to butcher, most likely) is really applicable to your latest reply:

"A mind all logic is like a knife all blade, it makes the hand bleed that uses it."

 

Logic is great, but one cannot operate solely on logic alone.

 

(And yes, I realize the irony of using a logically constructed post to argue against always using logic. )

[d'Arthez]

Tanbark, it was not meant as a philosophical demolishing of the situation. But Jmargel's logic is simply not valid. And I built further on his logic to show that it was simply invalid and would lead to absurd consequences.

 

If you were completely paranoid about cheating you try desperately to remain around your SO. When (s)he goes out, whatever events she attends. These people are very insecure. Also known as clingy.

 

The situation the OP describes, and the possible insecurity on part of her bf, is a situation probably of mild insecurity.

 

But there are also people who are completely trusting of their SO, and trust them implicitly. These people suffer from little or no insecurity.

 

The thing is, you could look at the whole situation as a situation resulting from

1) poor communication of OP

2) insecurity issues of OP's bf.

Both of them are probably true. Both of them are also connected. If you don't trust a person enough , you always want to know what that person is going to do. That also has to do with relationship history.

I know about the crap you have been through, Tanbark. You have a reason to distrust. But Jmargel assumed a reason to distrust, which was not necessarily there. We don't know, as the OP has not commented on the post since.

 

And for the record, I don't believe that people cheat in every situation in which it is possible; only in a small minority of situations in which it could occur.

[tanbark813]

Okay, I can agree with pretty much all of that, d'Arthez. I think one big problem with "insecurity" is that it gets thrown around too much as a label. Sometimes it's paranoia, and sometimes it's justified suspicion. Then when you're the one in the midst of things, it's difficult to distinguish the root problem. The bf may be insecure and nothing the OP does will satisfy him. It's also possible that she has given him reason to be suspicious.

 

I've never agreed with "trust someone until they give you a reason not to". It's easy for someone to say "you should just trust me" or "just trust him/her", but if you walk around blindly all the time you may never see the whole picture. I don't think a person has a right to demand 100% trust from their SO. It's something they must actively gain. They can't go around doing things all the time that appear shady on the surface, and then turn around and be surprised when their SO has some suspicion brewing.