Are male friends allowed?

[fairy_dust]

I would consult with my bf/husband give him that common courtesy as he would to notify of his planning's. If he love's you and respect's you for the woman that you are. Of coarse he would let you know and see what you think about it, I would definently be upset if my man did not let me know or even bother to talk to me about things like that. I am Scorpio and I do become quite jealous and very sensitive, I am passionatley in love with my mate and would do all that I can. So if the respect is not there and it tells me that he does not care about the way I feel, then hey all hell is gonna break loose and kill somone But thats just me

 

Thanks,

Fairy_Dust

[jmargel]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

The logic you propound, Jmargel, is simply invalid.

 

Some men and some women would maybe cheat in the situation of the original poster.

 

You write:

 

To generalize from the situation that some women might cheat in that situation, that all women could possibly cheat in the situation, is a generalization with enormous implications.

 

True, it is a hidden statement you made, which is basically a stated lack of trust on the part of the OP's bf. We don't know her personally, although it would not matter much. Therefore the hidden generalization is, that every woman could possibly cheat in that situation. Of course I take it you believe the likelihood a serial adulterer cheats given such an 'opportunity' is higher than when we talk about a true and true virtuous girl. But the possibility cannot be excluded.

 

If the original poster had told her bf about what she was going to do, and even if the bf agreed to let her, the chance to cheat did not magically disappear, nor will the friend who comes to see the town 'magically' be compelled not to hit on her.

 

Bf may be insecure in the relationship, but that is something he has to deal with, not burden her with. The possibility of cheating does not magically disappear when she is given permission by her bf to let her friend show town. He has to deal with his insecurity issues, but they will not be solved by keeping her at home.

 

Now consider:

If you reason from the position of distrust, this is roughly what follows:

 

Cheating only takes two persons, so the next time her boyfriend wants to spend an evening alone with one of his buddies, she'd better ask to come along. Both of them MIGHT be bi-sexual, or homosexual and bi-sexual. And of course you are well aware that no-one should blindly believe the words of their SO about their sexual orientation.

Of course the chances are very slim, but sexuality and sexual preferences are not completely static givens. The possibility of cheating cannot be excluded however. He might be cheating on her, with his buddy.

 

In short: every darn minute a man and a woman, and given the posibility of bisexuality and homosexuality, even two people of the same sex, spend together, the POSSIBILITY of cheating exits. BF-GF should be literally chained to each other to exclude the possibility of cheating.

 

To generalize from the situation that some women might cheat in that situation, that all women could possibly cheat in the situation, is a generalization with enormous implications.

 

If you did a nationwide poll there would be some women that would cheat, just like a man would if he was in that role. But the discussion is not about that. It's not about cheating. It's about the lack of respect given to the bf.

 

Why would *I* as the bf even want to let the opportunity of another guy hitting on my gf? Why would *I* as the bf want my gf to go out with another guy she doesn't even know? Why would *I* be upset that my gf didn't even ask me to come along and enjoy that time with her as well?

 

If you don't trust your partner the relationship will not go far, I give you that. However, cut through all the philosophical bull-****, and face reality. Bottom line is that her bf is *not* comfortable with this, so his feelings should be taken into consideration *before* her friends or this other man's. What her bf is asking for is *not* unreasonable. This is not due to her bf's insecurities. An insecurity would be someone who is needy, someone who would not let her go out with friends (I mean female). It would even be a different story if she knew this guy way before and he was a friend. However she knows *nothing* about this guy.

 

The difference between a fool and a wise man is that a wise man learns from other people's mistakes. A fool learns from his own. Her bf is smart enough *not* to learn from his own mistake and letting this guy spend the day trying to hit on her.

[d'Arthez]

If you don't trust your partner the relationship will not go far, I give you that. ... Bottom line is that her bf is *not* comfortable with this, so his feelings should be taken into consideration *before* her friends or this other man's. What her bf is asking for is *not* unreasonable. This is not due to her bf's insecurities. An insecurity would be someone who is needy, someone who would not let her go out with friends (I mean female). It would even be a different story if she knew this guy way before and he was a friend. However she knows *nothing* about this guy.

 

But what about the feelings of OP herself? Don't they count for a thing? Of course not in your view. It's all about the lack of communicition with him, her god. Her light, her everything. Well, welcome to reality: he is not.

 

And why the stress on the female friends? Do you even distrust her male friends? And then you claim it is not about trust. It would not have been a different story if she knew the guy before. Even a life-long friend could suddenly hit on you. Do a poll on LS, and you will see the possibility. And if the possibility is there in a small population it will certainly exist over the whole of the nation.

 

It's all about her bf. You rationalize the insecurity you should have by forgetting that simple fact. So you are coming from the standpoint of basic bf-insecurity, without even being given a valid reason not to trust your gf (as you assumed the role of OP's bf).

 

Furthermore, as we don't know the relationship history of OP and her bf, the original poster has given us no reason to believe she has been extra 'inclined' to cheat. Nor do we know if her bf has suffered numerous times being cheated on by her or past gfs.

 

Why would *I* as the bf even want to let the opportunity of another guy hitting on my gf? Why would *I* as the bf want my gf to go out with another guy she doesn't even know? Why would *I* be upset that my gf didn't even ask me to come along and enjoy that time with her as well?

 

True communication on these matters is important. For most people at least. I know.

But to assume that he has a right to limit friendly interaction with half of the worlds population, and that she has willingly comply because he is her bf, smacks of fear. You can be hit on in practically any environment.

And for her reasons: she has her own life. She has her own goals. She has her own friends. She has her own dreams. Some of these things she will share with bf. But bf-gf is not an ownership deal.

 

The difference between a fool and a wise man is that a wise man learns from other people's mistakes. A fool learns from his own.

 

A wise man learns from other people's mistakes. A truly wise man will seek (would have sought) for a woman to start a relationship with, who has the highest integrity. A wise man knows that if something can happen, it eventually will happen. And does not worry about it.

 

A less wise man learns from his own mistakes. Been there, done that. Won't let it happen again. Even though he would be worried in this position, he would know he cannot control her. Nor the people who she sees.

 

A fool does not learn from his own mistakes, or worse he becomes paranoid concerning the matter in which he made a mistake. If he has been cheated on, that in no way gives him the right to expect of his gf and future gfs to willingly comply and drop her own life, because of his insecurities. But somehow a fool does just that.

 

Her bf is smart enough *not* to learn from his own mistake and letting this guy spend the day trying to hit on her.

Which statement implies that he has not made the 'mistake' BEFORE. It also implies that the only reason he has is his own insecurity. Deal with it then.

[jmargel]

What about her feelings? How are her feelings being hurt by her bf not wanting her to go off with this stranger for the day? It's apparent by your posting that you have something against the male species. I *never* said he was her god, her light. Quit making this rediculious statements just to try to make yourself look good.

 

How can I distrust her female or male friends? I don't even know her, let alone know her friends. Like I said this is not about trust. This is about respecting your bf's wishes on something that is a reasonable request. And it's not so much trusting her, it's about trusting some strange man that will be with her for the whole day. This guy could be a rapist for all you know.

 

Ever think above everything else her bf might be concerned for her safety?

 

True communication on these matters is important. For most people at least. I know.

But to assume that he has a right to limit friendly interaction with half of the worlds population, and that she has willingly comply because he is her bf, smacks of fear. You can be hit on in practically any environment.

And for her reasons: she has her own life. She has her own goals. She has her own friends. She has her own dreams. Some of these things she will share with bf. But bf-gf is not an ownership deal.

 

You are taking everything out of context to suit your own side on this. When have I said he owns her? When did I say he should limit her interaction to only the female sex? Never. Apparently you don't read my posts very well, and I am not about to repeat myself in this one. I suggest you re-read my post and not just skim over them.

 

This situation is *not* about her. This situation is about her wanting to spend the day with a man that she does not know *at all*. Her bf disapproves, which IMO I would as well. She did not even give her bf the respect to ask him along.

 

Hmm.. I would pretty much call that a date, as well as many others.

 

Doing a favor for a friend? Come on..

 

But the biggest problem in all of this, is respecting her bf's wishes on this matter and her safety.

 

This is not a *power* of the sexes thing.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by jmargel

Ever think above everything else her bf might be concerned for her safety?

Could be a possibility. But:

a) you never mentioned that possibility before.

b) this is America. Everybody can kill, as there are so many weapons out there.

Option a) is valid option b) is always a risk. And why do you think that OP is so naive not to consider these possibilities herself? And why could not it be acceptable risks for her? If you are afraid to be gunned down, you can always hide in a dark closet in your home. But that is not a way to live your life. So forget the whole security thing.

 

You are taking everything out of context to suit your own side on this. When have I said he owns her? When did I say he should limit her interaction to only the female sex? Never. Apparently you don't read my posts very well, and I am not about to repeat myself in this one. I suggest you re-read my post and not just skim over them.

You have not said her bf owns her. But your logic and defensive argument logically implies that. Furthermore:

If you don't trust your partner the relationship will not go far, I give you that. ... An insecurity would be someone who is needy, someone who would not let her go out with friends (I mean female).

Hmm ... your whole argument has been about his insecurity. That something might happen. Cheating, as has been your whole rhetoric until you propounded the abovementioned other risk. As your whole argument has been built upon your 'distrust', you can always find a 'reason' not to trust your own gf. Distrust of someone you care for is a sign that you possibly should not even be in the relationship in the first place.

 

I already explained that the extremely insecure would have it, that he or she would be chained to his or her SO. However that is not an option.

 

This situation is *not* about her. This situation is about her wanting to spend the day with a man that she does not know *at all*. Her bf disapproves, which IMO I would as well. She did not even give her bf the respect to ask him along.

She is part of a relationship. A relationship takes 2 persons, preferably both with their sense of independence and security, trust, honesty et cetera. If one of these persons has issues, work on them. Communication only becomes an important issue when you reason from the position of distrust.

 

If you reason from the position of trust, you would let them go. Let them watch the town. And when she comes home to you, she probably will have had a great day, showing this man the town. Maybe he was even flirtatious. If she is a smart woman, you can be damn sure that you won't be the only person to ever have noticed that. But of course, she would have respected the boundaries.

 

OP did ask her bf. And as we don't know anything in particular about their past incidents of cheating et cetera, we may not assume that they exist. They can possibly exist. He went ballistic. He chose for whatever reason, the mindset of distrust, which is certainly not the only valid one. And certainly not the healthiest.

 

And the reason for not asking him could be various. He might have to work that day for example. Be flying to Ulanbator, or attending a congress for penguinloves in Argentina. We don't know. You assume a 'lack of respect' for not asking him.

 

You simply reason from the position of distrust. Given the information given by OP, there are not too many worrying signs that point to a validation of your view. OP actually told her bf (trust in bf). He went ballistic (insecurity).

 

Hmm.. I would pretty much call that a date, as well as many others.

 

Doing a favor for a friend? Come on..

 

But the biggest problem in all of this, is respecting her bf's wishes on this matter and her safety.

 

This is not a *power* of the sexes thing.

 

Why would you call this a date, if you were in a solid and secure relationship? Would you call this a date if bf-gf were married?

 

Well considering you started the whole argument on cheating, why did you suddenly drop that part? And make it suddenly about: "respecting his wishes on this matter and her safety?"

 

The reason bf went ballistic is not certain, but it is damn certain not about her safety. Read Good5Karma's posts again. It's about his insecurity. And the fact that he cannot handle it at all. Simple as that.

[jmargel]

I didn't even bother to read your whole post. I stoppped when I read

 

You have not said her bf owns her. But your logic and defensive argument logically implies that

 

It's apparent you can't comprehend what I am saying. Therefore trying to 'counter' your accusations is just futile. You can debate all you want on this subject but I will not change my stance. The advice I am giving to her is to not go off with this other guy, if it bothers her bf so much. That and also she does not know this guy at all.

[d'Arthez]

If you had bothered to read her post, you would have known that the post was put up after the guy visited her town. Therefore your advice to the guy is already irrelevant for the whole situation.

[PFPunks]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWNNNNNNNN!

 

Wow! Since when have love and relationships ever held fast in the face of logic?!

 

Look she wants to go out, until god knows what hours of the night, with a man she doesnt know, and she doesnt want her boyfriend to come. I assume she doesnt want him to come with them because it was never clarified if she asked him to come with her or not. Whats the problem.? You women want it all one way. I want the wonderfull man that takes me out on cruises in the country and I want to do that same thing with another guy, and I promise it will mean nothing to me.

 

I suppose im being a bit more blunt then usual because at the tail end of your tiraids im sure no one will read this.

 

ME!