Why was she so unwilling?

[TylerC]

Alright, today I was talking to Lauren (girlfriend) online. A while back, a guy she dated over the summer IMd her and asked (while she and I were going out) if she remembered the good times they had over the summer (good times, haha, he didn't even try to make out with her). She blocked him, and then she made a new screen name recently. She loaded the buddylist from an old old screen name and he was on it, unblocked.

 

Today I asked her who was better looking because this guy has bugged me for a while, and she said "you're both hot, but you"--wrong answer, the first words to come out of her mouth should have been "oh you are way hotter!" or something to that extent. Anyway, I used to post on BuddyPic, a site where you can rate other people and talk to people and whatnot, but I just did it for fun. I continued to get IMs from girls on the site and while I would just tell them I have a girlfriend, it bugged Lauren, so I stopped going there.

 

I expect the same in return, so I asked her to block Cameron (guy she dated over the summer) and her response was "I'll block him if I want to, he's my friend." This pissed me off immensely, and I told her this is putting some doubt in my mind if she is so unwilling to do this for me when I was so willing to stop going to BuddyPic. I asked why she was so adament about talking to him, and she said it's because she sees him as a back-up since she thought I was going to break up with her after this weekend. This weekend was dance marathon at school and she was PMSing so we were at each other's throats all weekend.

 

Eventually, she blocked him. Why was she so unwilling to do this though? Is it because she is considering breaking up with me?

[d'Arthez]

I don't know the dude, nor do I know you. Probably she gave an honest answer, and if you can't deal with it, deal with it.

 

You were playing away at BuddyPic and getting responses from girls, and you let her know. Kind of suggesting that you already had tons of backups ready. Hmm ... great game.

 

But you get angry and hurt when she pays you back doing the same?

 

You get what you serve in relationships. You profess in this message alone a clear need for ego-stroking games. At her expense, and probably also at the expense of the truth. And when she does something that upsets you, and I am hesitating to call this gameplaying on her part, to ascribe this idea from your words, is a big step, you get all paranoid, that she might be considering to break up.

[TylerC]

Perhaps I should clarify.

 

At BuddyPic, I never IMd girls, and if they IMd me, I'd tell them I have a girlfriend and block them. Don't tell me that seems like I'm trying to get back-ups.

 

Also, I didn't go there to meet girls, I just posted on the forums.

[d'Arthez]

You were bugging her, by going to the BuddyPic, posting and getting responses by girls. The fact that you did not do anything with this is irrelevant. You were soliciting for attention from girls in her eyes. Why did you need the attention from the girls then? If you were so secure in your relationship you did not need that.

 

As long as your gf is not contemplating taking another guy out, what is wrong if she has guy friends? If that is wrong in your eyes, why have you felt it was reasonable for you to be allowed to sollicit responses from females? Don't do obvious double standards on your gf, and yourself.

 

If she asks you to compare her to say a supermodel, or even a girl who is roughly as goodlooking as her, would you tell the truth, or the flattering answer? And why?

 

Why do you insist the flattering answer was the correct one? I don't believe it was the factual correct one.

 

You were playing games to boost your ego, and make your gf insecure in the relationship. You stopped the BuddyPic game. She only returns the favor. And it is hard to tell if she is playing a game to make you jealous or indeed afraid that you might break up after the dance.

 

She was talking to Cameron

because she sees him as a back-up since she thought I was going to break up with her after this weekend.

It definetely sounds your relationship with her is anything but solid. If she was playing a game she has succeeded in making you insecure about the relationship. If she was not playing a game, I would definetely say you need to strengthen your relationship quickly.

[TylerC]

Maybe I need to clarify more, I posted in the computing & gaming and music forums, I didn't try and get attention from girls or "sollicit responses."

 

If she asked me to compare her to another girl about as good-looking as her, I would give her the flattering answer, because her parents cut her down all the time and she doesn't have the best self-esteem so I like to make her feel beautiful/desireable. Also, when I'm with a girl, I don't really pay attention to other women, that girl is the prettiest in my eyes.

 

You commenting that our relationship is anything but soild isn't news to me either. That's why I'm posting here, to try and repair it.

 

Any other advice please?

[d'Arthez]

I understand now.

 

But did Lauren understand that? You got these responses from girls, by posting on a forum. If you have not explained very carefully what your motives were and how you acquired these IMs, she will think about it in the negative light I desribed in my previous response.

 

Has she been cheated on in earlier relationships? Especially her last prior to this relationship.

If so, she will be focused on signs of cheating, and keep her guard up, and prepare for the "inevitable." Which of course is not true, if you are not intent on cheating. But the mind works in a funny way. Past events shape current perception.

 

As she suffers from self-esteem issues, she will be very insecure thinking you are willing to part ways with her. In her mind any interaction with other girls can be seen as a threat to the relationship, while she does not necessarily see it the same way with her and another guy. Because of her issues, she'll be thinking something close to "almost no-one likes me", so he (Cameron) probably does not even want to be with me", or something similar.

 

Added:For you the attraction between the two of them can be obvious, but it does not mean that is true for her. I know -- that sucks.

 

Concerning the comparison, it might be true that she wanted to give an honest answer. That in itself would be a sign of trust in the relationship probably.

 

Because she has self-esteem issues, she will look at you and your behavior as if to find out if you have a replacement for her ready. Which is not the case. But she'll keep looking for these signs. Given the negative influence her parents have as you describe it, it will be hard for her to resolve these issues without some extra support.

[TylerC]

Believe me, I know past events shape current perception. I'm the one who is paranoid about getting cheated on, but I've changed and I'll worry about it if/when it happens.

 

She has cheated on a boyfriend before, she was going out with one guy to get back at another and ended up making out with the guy she was trying to get back at. I know, it doesn't make any sense.

 

Anywho, the fact that I am paranoid about getting cheated on combined with her past history is probably the reason I am jealous of exes so much.

[d'Arthez]

Actually people with low self-esteem run higher risk to cheat compared to peole with higher self-esteem.

 

Because of her self-esteem issues she will have something that looks like double-standards on your behavior and her behavior. And the situation that she actually cheated does not help you at all. You'll be doubly paranoid, and still she feels entitled to her "paranoia" because of her self-esteem issues.

She understands your issues about Cameron, but she cannot perceive it as an issue herself; self-esteem issues are a bytch.

 

 

And unless something is done about these issues of her, you are powerless. But she is your gf for a reason. There are reasons why you were attracted to her in the first place. Because she is smart, or a good laugh for example.

 

To improve self-esteem you have to use truthful flattery, so to speak. If she achieves something for which you feel she should be proud, give her a compliment on that. She might try to downplay it ("an idiot could do that"), but then you have to invalidate her downplaying behavior.

 

If she received a good grade, and better than yours, you could jokingly tell her that you must be an idiot then. Of course she knows you're not an idiot. Probably will express that. But by applying logic, you can easily show her that she is no idiot either.

[TylerC]

I am extremely encouraging with her school work too, because she doesn't get the best grades.

 

However, we don't take the same classes so the idea of saying I must be an idiot wouldn't really work. I take advanced classes (I take senior-level math and chemistry is typically a junior-level course, I am a sophomore, and I take honors English) and she is in normal classes.

 

She stays after school to get tutored in geometry and I tell her I'm proud of her for going above and beyond with her school work and I try to encourage her in everything she does.

 

Her parents often compare her grades (Cs mostly, with a sprinkling of Bs and Ds with an A in choir) to mine (As except Bs in honors English because the teacher will not give an A- and trigonometry) and I feel that is really unfair to Lauren.

[d'Arthez]

I used schoolwork only as an example. She might be very artistic, or good with programming. Or even at cooking. You have to find these fields in which she performs well, and give her a positive feeling about herself.

 

There is no way, one human being can outdo another human being in every field.

[TylerC]

Alright, I finally snapped.

 

I said if she can swear to me on her life and our relationship she is not attracted to him, she will block him immediately if he starts coming on to her, and that there will not be any flirting/talk of inappropriate things, then I guess it's not that big of a deal. She swore to me that, and I trust her.

 

I talked to the guy too, and he said he doesn't go for girls that have boyfriends. I asked if he knew she was single if he would go for her, and he kept beating around the bush saying stuff like 'she'd have to be single for me to think about it' and when Lauren asked him that he "had to go" and signed off.

 

What do you think? Is this guy something to worry about?

[d'Arthez]

He did not gave the answer you wanted to hear. So I would have slight concern for him. But as you cannot control his actions, there is not a thing you can do about him.

 

But you have been very forward with your gf. She is aware of the consequences it would have for you and the relationship. You have been very explicit in your demands, and she gave in.

 

Don't be too worried. If she somehow would mess this up, why would you even want to remain with her?

[TylerC]

True, plus he goes to a different school and lives about 30 minutes away. Lauren even promised she wouldn't IM him and she would tell me what they talked about. She also assured me that their conversations are like "hey" "hey" "what's up?" "nothin much" "same here" and that's it.