need support

[beautysoul]

Well, tonight he told me to leave, and that when he came back into town he wanted me gone..............It started with me calling him to see how he was, I had just come back from a daytrip to WI, he is out of town on the job. I was happy to talk to him. He didn't seem happy to talk to me........it's because he bought himself a 150 dollar bag for on the road, and a 80 dollar dvd player for his sister, and he knew that I would complain and bitch because it's the first of the month, and all of our bills are due. Now I have no grocery money. He says that he doesn't care, because he should be able to spend what he wants when he wants. I tell him that I am just trying to be responsible with money. We have declared bankruptcy before because of his reckless spending. He is too ignorant to realize that he has a problem, he wants to blame me for everything. So, he says that he is sick of me telling him that he can't spend money, (even though I only tell him that if it's the first of the month, or we're about to go under in the account), and that he thinks that I am speding the money secretly, on God knows what. He fabricated some statement taht I made, I don't even remeber right now because I amm so upset, but I got mad and rose my voice and swore, because I can't get a word in edgewise with him..l..and he tried to say that he wanted me to leave because i yelled and swore aty him. (He does it to me all the time,)So I tell him he's a coward, and I want the real reason he wants me gone, he confesses ............he's tired of coming home to a pigsty, and I don't give him enough love. He pushes me away, I tell him that, and he denies it and turns it back on me.

 

Let me tell you, I am a full time student with a 3.9 GPA, and a full time mom of two girls, 2 and 4, while he is home twice a mohnth. But, I don't do enough, and if "things don't visibly change" he wants to be done with our marriage. I have nobody to turn to. I am alone, except for my girls and God.

[moimeme]

Have you read any of the links we gave you? Have you called your local domestic abuse line? You have to do these things for yourself; you can't wait for help to fly in your window. Call them as soon as you know he's out of the house for the day.

[beautysoul]

I don't think you realize, Moime, that I am not yet at the leaving point, yes, I may be very close, but I am not there......so that advice is for when I am on the sidewalk wondering what to do next. I am still here, still in the marriage. Still fighting, and I won't give up, until he does.

[d'Arthez]

Beautysoul, He has already given up on the marriage.

 

When he returns home, and he finds you there, chances are extremely high that he will take his anger out on you. And your daughters. Don't risk your life, nor the life of your daughters, to see with your own eyes.

[beautysoul]

D Arthez, he is not some homicidal maniac, what are you suggesting?

[d'Arthez]

No, he is not a homicidal maniac. But he has shown a lot of abusive behavior.

 

As stated in your other thread abuse often starts quite innocently. But it builds up, and develops more and more. Namecalling becomes, becomes emotional abuse, and emotional abuse becomes physical abuse. Two months ago you experienced that. You can rationalize his behavior, and excuse it on his drunkenness, but that is to avoid thinking about the real issue. He has abused you. He has abused your 2-year old daughter. She has been called a piece of sh*t by her own father.

 

Don't forget that abusers always blame everything on anybody and anything but themselves.

 

He has stated that he is not satisfied with the current state of affairs. In other words, besides being in college, a mother to 2 young daughters he also conveniently expects you to run the household and do the bookkeeping. He demands of you to be a SuperWoman, and what do you get in return? Abuse and more abuse. You came here because you needed support. You know something big is wrong.

 

I know you believe in the holiness of marriage. But whatever your religious beliefs, there are things which are considered more holy than marriage. Life, and health of your children.

 

Please check the links, and be certain that you and your children are not at home when he returns. Preferably gone without leaving anything behind with which he can trace you. If it really were necessary, you can trace him.

[beautysoul]

Right, and he just called me to tell me that he loves me, but just wants things to change. I told him that we both need to work towards that. He agreed, wholeheartedly I don't know.

[d'Arthez]

Can you live with a man who says one extreme at this moment, and the opposite extreme an hour later?

 

Of course he wants you to stay. Abusers thrive on control, and need the people to control. If he was alone, he could not blame his failures on anybody bit himself. Now, he has you to blame, he has your two daughters to blame. As the oldest is 4, she will be able to spot the things that are going on, more and more. This situation will not have a healthy influence on her.

 

I know his words and actions are confusing you. But the sad thing in the situation is, that he has serious issues, and takes his anger out against you and your daughters. Not just with namecalling, but also physically. You were there and saw what happened, someone in your other thread accurately described how abusive fathers affect children.

 

Abusers don't change in general. Only a tiny minority of can recover from their abusing ways. That is with help and therapy.

 

I know you are desperate for your marriage to work. I can understand that, and it is commendable, especially in situations in which your physical wellbeing is not at stake.

 

and he tried to say that he wanted me to leave because i yelled and swore at him. (He does it to me all the time). So I tell him he's a coward, and I want the real reason he wants me gone, he confesses ............he's tired of coming home to a pigsty, and I don't give him enough love. He pushes me away, I tell him that, and he denies it and turns it back on me.

 

He complains he does not get enough love from you, while he is actively abusing you emotionally?

He pushes you away, and blames your dissatisfaction with the situation on you?

 

This is an unhealthy situation to be in. And as long as you don't give him a real incentive to change, he will not change, and only become worse.

[moimeme]

beautysoul

 

again, call the experts in your area. They will advise you of the best way to go about this. We can offer general advice, but it's best to deal with someone in your area when it comes to planning for your particular situation.

 

Make the call.

[Mz. Pixie]

Beauty Soul-

 

I don't believe you're quite ready to leave yet. I know what you want is for him to change and everything be okay.

 

He's manipulating you into doing what he wants. "Things have to change" yada yada. Yup, you bet they have to change- you've got to get away from him. He wants you to beg him to let you stay.

 

I wasn't in a physically abusive relationship but I was in a emotionally abusive. What he's probably talking about is that you don't give him enough sex, not love right? Men always equate one with the other.

 

I cannot believe he called your two year old a piece of xxxx. and you are still questioning whether to go or stay.

 

Regardless of what you think about yourself, you need to snap out of it and do what's best for those children. They only have you do depend on. Do what's best for them, please.

[jmargel]

One thing you can never ever do is to rationalize with a drunk person. If he comes home drunk or calls you while he is drunk either hang up the phone or leave. Nothing good will come out of it. As long as you keep the conversation going he will twist to make himself feel right and vindicated.

 

Not only do you two have communication problems between you two, he has alot of anger problems within' himself. Both of these needs to be addressed by a counselor. The definition of insanity is expecting different results while continuing to do the same thing over & over.

 

If you want things to change then you must act on it. He needs to prove he loves you and wants this to work by going to a marriage counselor with you. If he doesn't then you know that this will continue to get worse. You also are teaching him to do these things to you becase you tolerate them. How far does he have to go before you really call it quit? How many times has this relationship been over, yet it continues? It's called bluffing and while you keep saying 'next time I'll leave' but don't, the abuse is just going to snowball.

 

Not only are you getting abused but what he is saying to your 2 year old will effect her the rest of her life in a very major negative way. Often abused people in childhood become abusers themselves. It's the only way they know how to deal with the situation. Your children also see you getting abused as well. This cycle needs to stop and the only way to stop this or to at least slow it down is by counseling.

[ambrosia]

beautysoul you've know for some time that you need to leave even though it would be a very difficult thing to do. He also wants you to leave, he said so and not only that, he also told you exactly when he wants you to leave he "wants you gone when he gets home", he just felt guilty afterwards for saying it out loud. Pack up your kids and leave.

 

Meanwhile something you said made my jaw drop: - you are a mother of two, you manage your home by yourself AND you have a 3.9 GPA!?!? Are you a genius or something! Do you know how difficult it is to have a GPA like that, even without kids and/or a distracting excuse for a husband? What are your plans after you graduate? With that kind of GPA people will be throwing money and opportunities at you, you are poised for some big time success girl! What do you want to do after college? Law school, medical school, wall street? That GPA is gold! And you are able to keep it up even with this guy disrupting your life like this? Girl you are on an entirely different level from your husband. I am sorry to have to tell you this but your husband is not good enough for you, make room for someone who is more on your level - someone whom you can trust to help you take care of the kids while you finish medical school (or law school or graduate school) - the guy you are with now can't do that so just by staying with him you could ruin your chance at a brilliant future. All my friends who had GPAs above 3.8 are making six figures, and for some those six figures do not start with the digit 1 and I am so jealous, but maybe that's just New York City. At any rate a brain like yours is worth more than your entire body weight in gold. Why are are you still sitting in podunk mopping up after this man when you should be working towards your Nobel Prize, girl are you crazy?

 

Something else, just in case you are thinking of having another child, please do it with someone else who can give genes as good as yours. With that brain of yours you won the gene pool lotto, don't waste good genes by combining yours with crappy ones, it's not fair on the kids. You have been lucky twice that your girls got mostly yours, but don't take that risk again.

 

I bet you don't like your husband (even if you still love him a little), well I don't like your husband either so leave already.

 

I know I sound a little light hearted, but seriously you need to be with someone who can support you and your children emotionally so that you can all reach your potential. Also if your kids remain in that home, they could have all sorts of emotional damage - the kind that would prevent them from having healthy relationships of their own in future, in other words you could be sentencing them to the kind of situation you are in right now. It's not just about today, think about tomorrow also, both for you and for your girls.

 

Good luck beautysoul, you are a truly amazing woman and you deserve an equally amazing man. You only get one life, use it.