Friends: I Desperately Need <your advice on this former affair!>

[bathtub-row]

First of all, men don't think the same way we women do so I can tell you that telling him off will never speak louder to him than silence will. The thing is, you don't know that he already knows what he did and what it did to you. He already knows that most people think it's a bad idea to get involved with an ex so really all you need to do is de-friend him and then block him. He'll get the message loud and clear. At the most, I would send him a quick message and say something along the lines of, "I've decided that accepting your invite was a mistake on my part. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to let you know that I'm removing you. Please do not contact me again. Our relationship is not salvageable, as far as I'm concerned. I wish you the best."

 

Most of the time, I suggest to people to give it another shot with an ex if the ex never did anything that isn't recoverable. In this case, I wouldn't advise opening that door again because throwing you under the bus is unforgivable. It's not something you'll ever get past. I don't know your whole story, I'm just going by what you wrote in this post.

 

As far as how destroyed you feel, I think some of that is a good thing in the sense that you'll never go down that path again. The other thing I'd say is that it's good to let yourself go down the spiral for now but at some point you're going to need to pull yourself out of it. The truth is, you knew on some level the risk you were taking when you got involved with a MM. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that no matter how much love and passion there was between the two of you, you knew there was a third party involved and knew that the complications were extreme.

 

The only reason I say this is because you're feeling destroyed because you feel tricked and blindsided by this situation; that you were the victim. The truth is, it would be best for you to stop acting like a victim and accept the part you played. Once you understand how you allowed yourself to get caught up in that situation can you heal and move away from it. Remind yourself about why you did what you did at the time, learn from it, forgive yourself, and then move on. As long as you allow yourself to be the victim, the longer you'll stay stuck and feeling emotionally wounded.

Edited August 18, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Hope Shimmers]

The only reason I say this is because you're feeling destroyed because you feel tricked and blindsided by this situation; that you were the victim. The truth is, it would be best for you to stop acting like a victim and accept the part you played. Once you understand how you allowed yourself to get caught up in that situation can you heal and move away from it. Remind yourself about why you did what you did at the time, learn from it, forgive yourself, and then move on. As long as you allow yourself to be the victim, the longer you'll stay stuck and feeling emotionally wounded.

 

I know you don't know this about Pachuca, b-row, but she has NEVER, not ever - played the victim. Never.

[PachucaSunrise]

Pachuca,

 

I have so many things to say that I don't know what to say first.

 

This guy SO Totally doesn't deserve you. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to see his rebound-girlfriend's posts on Facebook. OMG!!!

 

You guys are both on your way towards single now. I don't think he deserves you for one second... but I know you love him... and you need resolution one way or another. I think you won't get that until you talk to him.

 

I know you're too smart to get back into an affair, but I think in your case you two need to talk it out so that you know that your leaving him totally alone is the right thing.

 

Hope, as always, your wise, wise words got me once again. Thank you, sincerely.

 

As far as the FB chick - it came right out of left field. And now that I'm thinking about it, there's a little bit of coincidence in the timing of everything. We become friends again, and this girl goes bats$it crazy, expressing her love for him literally moments after I show up on his page. I found that... Odd.

 

I expected him to move on, absolutely, but so fast?! Not even a month after D-day he was already on the prowl on some dating sites. He's not even divorced yet!! Yes, I was using dating sites as well, but I just couldn't go through with it. I tried, but I was far from being over everything, and in the end I realized that trying to fill the void with someone new would be an incredibly selfish move on my part. There was no way I was going to potentially set myself up to hurt someone else.

 

And, thank you - I also believe I'm too smart at this point to EVER find myself in a situation like this EVER again. NEVER. I can't even look a married guy in the eye, and I can barely live with myself as it is... There's no way I'd be able to live with myself if I chose to inflict hurt on another person like I have with this. I think I'd officially lose it.

 

I agree - I need some kind of resolution, especially now that he's somewhat in my life again (and I'm only going to say FOR THE MOMENT, because I don't think I can allow him to stay here much longer). If he didn't pop in again, that would one thing, but he did, and I'm completely on the fence as to what I should do - tell him exactly how I feel? Or walk away in complete silence? I definitely know what he deserves, but at the same time, I feel as though I need to say some things, for me. It would nice to have the ball in my court for once and finally get SOME kind of closure. I guess that's my way of trying to regain some of the control I lost along the way. I may still love him - I might always - I don't know for sure, but then again, maybe there's still a little bit of a fog hanging over my head. I don't care who you are, treating someone in this manner does not display a love of any kind. I'm learning that all is displays is selfishness.

 

I think about his STBXW all the time. And for her sake, I am so happy that she is free from living such a lie. Now she has all the freedom in the world to find true happiness and I hope and pray for that every single day.

 

Thank you again, Hope. Your insight is always very appreciated.

[PachucaSunrise]

You just go silent on him. Let him wonder. Because really, who cares what he thinks? You cannot control that...You can only control yourself.

 

DELETE and BLOCK him.

 

Change your email address. Make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

You can do this!!

 

He is a cancer in your life so it's best to cut him out forever so you can finally find some peace and be happy again without all his bullsh.t to put up with.

 

I know this is what I need to hear, so thank you a million times over for cutting right to the chase. And thank you so very much for your support. It really does mean the world to me.

 

Really - what do I owe him? NOTHING. I don't want to play tit for tat, but honestly... On his side of things, I got a goodbye letter, that STILL left me hanging on with a ton of hope, and then I was played with for a few more weeks as he went back and forth on his decisions. It was always ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

I know I'm gonna have a really hard time simply walking away, but at the same time, I believe that's what's best FOR ME. There's so much that I'd like to say to him, but I'm also starting to think that he doesn't even deserve to hear those words. Walking away silently wouldn't be a case of 'you did it to me so now that I have the chance, I'm going to do it to you'. If I can finally walk away without a peep, I know I'll be 100% committed. And I think it will ultimately help me begin to take back some of my self-respect.

 

I'm forever grateful for your support. Thank you again.

[Patna]

Don't contact him even if you wish to tell him how angry you are at him. He clearly don't deserve any more of your time and attention. Acting indifference towards him is the best revenge. It's indifference that will get to him, not anger.

 

Not just to get back at him, but it's also mainly to protect yourself. If you open up the channels of communication with him again, he will just suck you back in. Being with you for some time, he knows your weakness, and he will play on it and manipulate your feelings again. It's too much of a risk for you to bear.

 

You no longer need any more closure on him or from him. He clearly knows he's hurting you and not doing you any good by contacting you again. He doesn't need you to tell him that, because he already knows all these. When someone don't care for your feelings, you got to learn to protect yourself then.

 

I'm writing to myself as I'm writing to you. It's a tough journey. Someone commented on another thread that getting into an A is easy, but getting completely out of it is tough. It takes strong women to walk away, and let's be strong for ourselves. Hugs.

[still_an_Angel]

Your heart is in the right place Pachuca, you do not wish to give him the same pain he caused you when he threw you under the bus. You are a good person. His attempt to be in contact with you again just shows he does not acknowledge the pain he caused (otherwise he would be ashamed to even be friends with you on fb - the nerve! really). He does not deserve any part of you, much less to be your friend.

 

 

Walk away with your head high, take all of your power back and let your silence stun him. You chose your name on here very well, sunrise means you're on your way to the new chapter in your life with xMM firmly delegated to the last chapter. Chin up girl!

[MissBee]

The best revenge is moving on with your life.

 

Although the horse is out of the gate, you really should have never accepted. Who cares what he thinks about it?!

 

Really. Think about it, he can assume or guess about why you didn't accept his requests and even why you unfriended him but you'll never know what he thinks and what he thinks is of NO value to you moving on.

 

Unfriend him. It doesn't matter what he thinks about why you did it. It really doesn't. Chances are he can drive himself crazy wondering why.

 

It doesn't matter. Just delete him and save yourself the drama and continued hurt and investment. Whatever he wants to think about it is his business and doesn't really affect your life.

[fellini]

Being a Talking Heads fan myself I will say that the words of that song, especially the chorus have to be interpreted as well in light of what Byrne is saying:

 

How did I get here is a reflection on how easily we buy into a massive social construct that was NOT of our OWN creation:

 

And you may ask yourself

How do I work this?

And you may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife

 

Sure we are responsible for our own decisions, but society too has built us a map, an extremely distorted one at that, and on that map is this place called heaven that is LOVE INCARNATE and what follows that is the rest.

 

When a society puts so much emphasis on these values, and spews them out in the billions of dollars in the form of popular culture, we are both responsible and victims of our mechanical dreams.

 

It is no wonder that people end up in affairs IF, as Langley argues, for example that women get the man, the house, the car, the happily ever after... now what? What comes after the happily ever after, because the script stops there.

 

And women sing the other side of Same as it ever was:

 

 

And you may ask yourself

Where does that highway go to?

And you may ask yourself

Am I right?...Am I wrong?

And you may say to yourself yourself

 

My God!...What have I done?!

Edited August 18, 2014 by fellini

[Quiet Storm]

Pachuca, a selfish person like him isn't going to be affected or enlightened by you pointing out how much he hurt you, how angry you are and how selfish you think he is.

 

He is a self centered person, so your opinion is redundant to him. He knows he's selfish. He just doesn't care.

 

Write out your feelings but don't hit send. By telling him how you feel, you will only be reinforcing his importance.

 

He will not say to himself "I am a selfish jerk that hurts others and destroys lives. I must change and stop creating pain" Instead, he will conclude that he is valued, loved and so special to impact your life this much. That he can lie, betray, use people and they still care enough to inform him how much impact he has and how important he is.

[PachucaSunrise]

Well, I would do it face to face if you HAVE to...but really feel like no words speak louder than silence.

 

But since theres been fb games etc by the new gf...was thinking a face to face quick short meeting would be more final and less drama.

 

But seeing him, even this final convo is gonna be brutal on you.

Really would consider just stepping back all together.

If this is the way he is gonna just burn through women, from his wife, to you...to a new woman...are your precious words and feelings and showing your heart really worthy of him?

He doesn't deserve any of it.

Id just disappear but thats just me.

So sorry you are feeling so awful but you ARE going to be okay.

 

Thank you for this. So much.

 

I'm beginning to see the beauty in silence. I really do get it. Oh, I want to scream and cry and curse and tell him what a piece of $hit he is, but where will that get me? Aside from this situation, I think I'm a pretty graceful person, and by going bananas on him, I'll only be straying from my true self even more than I already have. I don't know if I can do that.

 

Oh, there's no way in hell I could have a face-to-face meeting with him. I appreciate your insight about this, but you're absolutely right - it would be entirely way too brutal on me. And quite frankly, I don't think he deserves to see me - even if it's for some kind of closure. I am as non-violent as they come, but just thinking about seeing his face... Oooooh, I think I'd knock him out. I can't even believe I just said that, haha. FINALLY, some anger! This is good, so again, thank you.

 

Herself - I am so grateful for your support, insight, and kind words. It really means a lot to me. Thank you.

[PachucaSunrise]

Hey PachucaS, remember when I first spoke to you? I thought you are soooo over it and only now that I realized it hasn't really been over so long ago. You are strong. Come on, put on your best face and don't let him know your misery. Don't give it to him. Even if you need to talk to him, don't show him your weaker side!

 

I definitely remember when we first spoke, May. I honestly thought I was SOOOOOO over it as well - little did we both know.

 

I appreciate your encouragement so much!! Deep, deep down, I know I am strong as well, even though I don't feel that way at the moment. I think I have to dig a little deeper, though. That strength is there somewhere...

 

Thank you for taking the time to give me this pep talk, May. It really means so much to me.

[PachucaSunrise]

As people we learn from our experiences. I wish we didn't sometimes but our mistakes are usually our best and most important lessons. We all believe we would never have an A and unless faced with that choice a lot of us will never know what we would do. You know now exactly what you would do if faced with this again, because of your lessen you have learned. My H is feeling a lot like you right now and reminds himself that he now knows for sure what he would do different if ever faced with this again. You display true remorse and deserve to forgive yourself and move forward. You have earned this lesson through a lot of pain. I think that it could be viewed in a similar manner to a person who works hard for their money and makes millions vs a person who inherited millions. That person who worked knows the value because their blood, sweat and tears went into it. They are less likely to squander it. You know the true pain of an A to all parties involved, you know you will never do this again. Forgive yourself knowing that you truly have learned

 

Thank you for this, Red. These are some very, very wise and insightful words.

 

I'm sorry your H is feeling this way right now as well. He's fortunate to have you, though. I'm sure you already know that, but you deserve to hear it again... AND AGAIN. To put your own feelings of hurt aside and try to understand the situation from the other side is incredibly noble of you. There's no way that can be easy. I am very admirable of your strength, Red. It's pretty amazing. I wish you and your H all the best in getting through this. It sounds as though you have exactly what it takes to get there and I think that's wonderful. Good for you!

 

You made the perfect analogy. Oh, how true! There's absolutely NO WAY I will ever go down this road again. In the beginning, my feelings of remorse were based more on the pain I caused an innocent woman than on myself. There really are no words to describe just how horrible I felt. I know I'll always feel that way, but if I don't learn to accept the harm I caused, I'll never be able to move on. But now the hurt has shifted to me and my feelings of betrayal, and it's hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm really hoping that this is all part of the healing process, though.

 

You're right - I have definitely learned my lesson the hard way, a million times over. If I could take it all back and do everything over, I would in a heartbeat. But that's just not possible, and so I have to begin to accept this lesson and learn to forgive myself, but damn, it really is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!

 

So, thanks again for your support, Red. Everything you mentioned made a great deal of sense to me, and it helps. I'm very grateful.

[Pinklotus]

Who cares what he thinks? I agree, disappear permanently. He doesn't deserve an explanation and seeing him will only complicate things and make it harder for you.

 

I am trying to get to this point myself, mind you. I do have a little fear that if I offend him, he might take revenge in some way on me (he was my boss--was). Either professionally or personally. I am hoping he waits a week to respond to me and then I can wait a couple of weeks until we aren't talking at all.

 

I know. Chickens&$t.

 

Good luck!

[snappytomcat]

dear sweet Pachuca

please know what a beautiful person you are inside,and out hes not worth your time at all hes a pos,you are to good for him,and you know what you have got to stop beating yourself up,trust me I know its deep seeded in you and its probably not easy for you,but im telling you,please stop you are great you know what, I know you feel bad for what you did.

guess what that speaks volumes to your character,i respect you so much,dont ever change I know there is a perfect man out there for you,who will treat you and love you how you deserve to be loved,and I do want an invite to your wedding.

we are all human and we all make mistakes just remember that and forgive yourself,PLEASE

[gettingstronger]

I concur with the others that the person we see on here is worthy of forgiveness and respect- I think you remind many of us BS's of our remorseful spouses-true remorse is a painful process- who wants to face up to some of the things they need to face in themselves-

 

However, I hope for you what I hope for my husband- one day you will learn to forgive yourself so that you can truly move forward-right now he claims he will never be able to do that, the best he said he can hope for is to be able to live with himself-I want so much more for him and for you-

 

They say reconciliation takes 2-5 years so it stands to reason that all the little pieces parts like forgiving yourself would take that long as well-

 

Be good to you and don't accept anything less than you deserve in your relationships-

[PachucaSunrise]

First of all, men don't think the same way we women do so I can tell you that telling him off will never speak louder to him than silence will. The thing is, you don't know that he already knows what he did and what it did to you. He already knows that most people think it's a bad idea to get involved with an ex so really all you need to do is de-friend him and then block him. He'll get the message loud and clear. At the most, I would send him a quick message and say something along the lines of,

 

"I've decided that accepting your invite was a mistake on my part. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to let you know that I'm removing you. Please do not contact me again. Our relationship is not salvageable, as far as I'm concerned. I wish you the best."

 

Bathtub - I appreciate your response. THANK YOU!

 

I've been doing a ton of thinking, and what many of you have been saying about silence makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Your note suggestion - it's golden. Again, thank you.

 

Most of the time, I suggest to people to give it another shot with an ex if the ex never did anything that isn't recoverable. In this case, I wouldn't advise opening that door again because throwing you under the bus is unforgivable. It's not something you'll ever get past. I don't know your whole story, I'm just going by what you wrote in this post.

 

I would also suggest the same to someone else if the situation didn't get so messy, and hurtful. But in my situation, it definitely did, and even though it's been months, I'm just not over it. And you're right - I don't know if I'll ever get past it, to be honest.

 

As far as how destroyed you feel, I think some of that is a good thing in the sense that you'll never go down that path again. The other thing I'd say is that it's good to let yourself go down the spiral for now but at some point you're going to need to pull yourself out of it. The truth is, you knew on some level the risk you were taking when you got involved with a MM. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that no matter how much love and passion there was between the two of you, you knew there was a third party involved and knew that the complications were extreme.

 

Oh, God, it's a GREAT THING. Honestly. But I've been going waaaaay overboard, and it's taking a huge toll on my daily life, in every aspect. There is just NO WAY I will EVER get myself involved in something like this again. The truth is that I can't even look at a married man right now. They scare the hell out of me.

 

And you're absolutely right again - I definitely knew what I was getting myself into, and all the complications I could potentially cause. I know you're not judging me - it's the TRUTH! It's living with my poor choices that has been most difficult for me. Like I said, I never thought I had it in me to hurt a beautiful, innocent woman. The thought of that completely destroys my soul. I'm hoping and praying I'll begin to make some progress with this when I see my new therapist in September. I swear that day can't come fast enough - I wish I could book her for 8 hours straight.

 

The only reason I say this is because you're feeling destroyed because you feel tricked and blindsided by this situation; that you were the victim. The truth is, it would be best for you to stop acting like a victim and accept the part you played. Once you understand how you allowed yourself to get caught up in that situation can you heal and move away from it. Remind yourself about why you did what you did at the time, learn from it, forgive yourself, and then move on. As long as you allow yourself to be the victim, the longer you'll stay stuck and feeling emotionally wounded.

 

The only thing I disagree with is that I've really never played the victim, until now, actually. I've been beating myself up for months now, and FINALLY, the hurt has shifted to MY feelings. It wasn't like that before - I was too concerned with everyone else. But I know you don't know that, as this is a random post I threw out there the other day.

 

I know exactly how I got caught up in the situation - my self-esteem was in the gutter, and so was my empathy. And I was so damn SELFISH! I'm trying so hard to learn from it, and I kinda/sorta think I have, but I just get stuck when it comes to forgiving myself. At this point, after thinking for a few days, I'm not so much concerned with forgiving him as I am with simply forgiving myself. I think that's going to be the key to moving forward. I know I can't stay in this state forever. It's terribly unhealthy.

 

Thanks again, Bathtub. I greatly appreciate your response.

[PachucaSunrise]

Don't contact him even if you wish to tell him how angry you are at him. He clearly don't deserve any more of your time and attention. Acting indifference towards him is the best revenge. It's indifference that will get to him, not anger.

 

So true! So, I'm kinda waiting for this anger to pass, so I can think a little more clearly. Right now, my thoughts shift from crying one minute, to complete RAGE the next. Once I'm somewhat calm, I know I'll act with dignity, for once.

 

Not just to get back at him, but it's also mainly to protect yourself. If you open up the channels of communication with him again, he will just suck you back in. Being with you for some time, he knows your weakness, and he will play on it and manipulate your feelings again. It's too much of a risk for you to bear.

 

YES! Exactly. I'm FINALLY putting myself first. It really is time. It's not about being selfish, either, it's about protecting my heart. He knows all too well how to push my buttons and I can't allow him to have that power anymore. It's entirely too risky.

 

You no longer need any more closure on him or from him. He clearly knows he's hurting you and not doing you any good by contacting you again. He doesn't need you to tell him that, because he already knows all these. When someone don't care for your feelings, you got to learn to protect yourself then.

 

Oh, so true, Patna! And learning to protect myself is part of how I'm going eventually be able to heal. My walls are up. HIGH up. Screw closure, really. He came back to mess with me again. That's all the closure I need.

 

I'm writing to myself as I'm writing to you. It's a tough journey. Someone commented on another thread that getting into an A is easy, but getting completely out of it is tough. It takes strong women to walk away, and let's be strong for ourselves. Hugs.

 

Let's do it, girl! I'm pulling for you! Please keep writing to yourself. That's such an excellent idea! I can't say that getting into it was exactly easy for me - believe or not - I fought my feelings about that, too. But yes, when someone says, "IT JUST HAPPENED," I do fully understand that.

 

And, absolutely - walking away, regaining our pride, dignity, and self-respect, learning to trust again, accept that our mistakes don't define us - it's such a difficult journey, and there's really no time frame on it. We'll all get there at our own pace, but I sure wish I would hurry the hell up!

 

Thank you, Patna. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I keep saying this, but it's so true - I'm incredibly grateful.

 

And YOU keep up with your good work!! BIG hugs to you as well!

[PachucaSunrise]

Your heart is in the right place Pachuca, you do not wish to give him the same pain he caused you when he threw you under the bus. You are a good person. His attempt to be in contact with you again just shows he does not acknowledge the pain he caused (otherwise he would be ashamed to even be friends with you on fb - the nerve! really). He does not deserve any part of you, much less to be your friend.

 

Thank you, Angel. I'm hurting like hell, and yet I'm still being careful, walking on eggshells about this, just to make sure I DON'T HURT HIM. Unreal.

 

And now there are so many games being played. I'm doing my best to stay away from all of it, but he's been sending out tons of signals, as plain as day, that I WALKED AWAY FROM HIM!! And making/posting little inside jokes that only the two of us would know. The more I think about it, WOW, he really does have some nerve.

 

Oh, I know I need to let all of this go. I really do. I'm just keeping quiet right now until I decide how I want to follow through with things, but even that's tough.

 

Walk away with your head high, take all of your power back and let your silence stun him. You chose your name on here very well, sunrise means you're on your way to the new chapter in your life with xMM firmly delegated to the last chapter. Chin up girl!

 

This was super sweet of you to say, Angel. Thank you. I'm doing my very best to keep my chin up, and your support on here means very much to me. It really does help, so much!

 

BIG hugs to you!

[PachucaSunrise]

The best revenge is moving on with your life.

 

Agreed. Absolutely 100% agreed. You know, I don't even want revenge, I just want to move on, for good. Just put it all behind me and learn to live again!

 

Although the horse is out of the gate, you really should have never accepted. Who cares what he thinks about it?!

 

Yeah, you're right. Big mistake accepting that friend request. But what's done is done, and now I just wanna quietly move past this bump in the road with as much grace as possible.

 

Really. Think about it, he can assume or guess about why you didn't accept his requests and even why you unfriended him but you'll never know what he thinks and what he thinks is of NO value to you moving on.

 

It really isn't any value to me. He can assume all he wants. Hell, I've been doing that throughout this entire thing, for months now. I'm not saying that I necessarily want to get back at him, but in all honesty, it would feel pretty satisfying to let him wonder for a little bit. And then just be DONE with it. Once and for all.

 

Unfriend him. It doesn't matter what he thinks about why you did it. It really doesn't. Chances are he can drive himself crazy wondering why.

 

It doesn't matter. Just delete him and save yourself the drama and continued hurt and investment. Whatever he wants to think about it is his business and doesn't really affect your life.

 

The drama has already started, granted, in very subtle ways, but it's still there. Really, enough is enough. The more I read through everyone's posts on here, the more I realize that now is the perfect time for me to wrap it up.

 

What's the point of us being friends? To ease his guilt over the hurt he's cause me? So he can see what's going on in my life? Why does he deserve any insight into that?

 

Thank you, Miss Bee. I'm very grateful. It's time for me to toughen up.

[PachucaSunrise]

It is no wonder that people end up in affairs IF, as Langley argues, for example that women get the man, the house, the car, the happily ever after... now what? What comes after the happily ever after, because the script stops there.

 

And women sing the other side of Same as it ever was:

 

And you may ask yourself

Where does that highway go to?

And you may ask yourself

Am I right?...Am I wrong?

And you may say to yourself yourself

 

My God!...What have I done?!

 

Such a great tune, Fellini.

 

When I originally posted this thread, I honestly didn't realize just how closely this song could be related to affairs (in general, of course). My God! What was I thinking?! But if the shoe fits, right?!

 

In all seriousness, after deconstructing the verses... YOWZA! There's a lot of hidden stuff going on in there when you break it all down.

 

now what? What comes after the happily ever after, because the script stops there.

 

^ ^ This. This, right here. It makes all the sense in the world, even though it doesn't. Know what I mean?

 

Same as it ever was....

[PachucaSunrise]

Pachuca, a selfish person like him isn't going to be affected or enlightened by you pointing out how much he hurt you, how angry you are and how selfish you think he is.

 

He is a self centered person, so your opinion is redundant to him. He knows he's selfish. He just doesn't care.

 

You're so right, Storm. What could I possibly say that would enlighten him? He knows. He may be self-centered, but he's certainly not stupid. He just doesn't give a $hit. Thank you for this reminder.

 

Write out your feelings but don't hit send.

What a terrific idea! I really appreciate it! If I gather up enough courage, maybe I'll even post it here. Well, maybe not, but just the idea of doing that feels pretty damn good.

 

By telling him how you feel, you will only be reinforcing his importance.

 

He will not say to himself "I am a selfish jerk that hurts others and destroys lives. I must change and stop creating pain" Instead, he will conclude that he is valued, loved and so special to impact your life this much. That he can lie, betray, use people and they still care enough to inform him how much impact he has and how important he is.

 

Ooooooohhh, did this strike a nerve with me! I get it. I really do get it. Just another ego stroke, another confidence boost, at my expense.

 

Thank you for taking the time to give me some tough love, Storm. I'm very grateful.

[PachucaSunrise]

Who cares what he thinks? I agree, disappear permanently. He doesn't deserve an explanation and seeing him will only complicate things and make it harder for you.

 

Yep, that's the general consensus on here, and it's so very true. Thanks for your input, Pink. I know what I need to do in order to get past this hurdle, and I know I'm never going to continue on my healing journey unless I put my money where my mouth is. It's putting these words into action that's just so damn difficult.

 

I am trying to get to this point myself, mind you. I do have a little fear that if I offend him, he might take revenge in some way on me (he was my boss--was). Either professionally or personally. I am hoping he waits a week to respond to me and then I can wait a couple of weeks until we aren't talking at all.

 

I know. Chickens&$t.

 

Good luck!

 

Oh, I certainly feel for you! Granted, he wasn't my boss, but I can only imagine how that would change the dynamics of everything in your situation. For your sake, I REALLY, REALLY hope you can nip this in the bud. If he WAS your boss, that's even better for you now. I hope you can use that to your advantage and DEMAND to take back the power he holds over you.

 

You can do it! I know I can do it, too. Best of luck to you!

 

Thanks for your reply, Pink. I really appreciate it.

[PachucaSunrise]

Ok, all...

 

I've been trying really hard to get back to everyone's messages. I still have 2 more to go, but things kinda just happened, like minutes ago...

 

I'm not in the best state at the moment. I think this is the first time I ever came here this hysterical. I'm close to a panic attack but I've been taking deep breaths, and I have a cold washcloth on my face. I apologize in advance if my grammar is all screwed up, but I need some words of wisdom, desperately.

 

I think I MUST unfriend NOW. Or if not now, VERY, VERY soon. I didn't get the courage to do it yet, obviously, but tonight was the very last straw.

 

But I am telling you all right now, you have my word. The Unfriending WILL be done. I just don't know when to do it.

 

I never check his page anymore, and I've been trying to stay away from my FB feed altogether, but I accidentally came across a photo of him and the new girl just now. Something about a new love and new life. His divorce isn't even final. I'm sick to my stomach. This is a whole new feeling of hurt for me. I can barely breathe. I don't even know how I'm typing this.

 

What do I do? Do I do it right now? It'll be super obvious why I unfriended him... He'll know FOR SURE that the photo hit me like a punch in the gut. Do I wait until tomorrow? When do I do it? Do I just hide his profile for a while and then unfriend him in a few days? I'm a mess here. I want to tell him what a POS he is, but I know I can't. Oh, I want to so, so badly, but I know unfriending is the best bet, along with SILENCE.

 

FOREVER.

 

You don't have to tell me what a complete TWIT I was for accepting his friend request in the first place. I know I was, and now I know that more than ever. Maybe this is exactly what I needed, I don't know.

 

I really thought he has some sort of kindness in him. SOMETHING. But this proves there is nothing but pure selfishness in his heart. He is truly an ugly, ugly person. And right now, I wish he never existed. I've never wished that about anyone. But he waited, patiently, until we became friends to begin posting this ****, just so I would see. I've honestly never felt this type of anger toward ANYONE. EVER.

 

After I post this, I'm going through my apartment and getting rid of every single memory. I'm deleting our mails, photos, texts, anything that I find that has something to do with him. THIS IS IT.

 

So, please, friends.... Tell me when I need to unfriend. You know just how much I appreciate your feedback, and right now, I need it more than ever.

 

Thank you all.

[bathtub-row]

I can't imagine how much this has hurt you. This would undo me, also. I'm just really confused as to why this numb-skull wanted to friend you in the first place. I just don't get it.

 

Yeah it was a mistake to accept the invite on Facebook but there's no point in beating yourself up about it. I mean, why? Because you have faith in people and didn't know he could sink to that level? Personally, I think he's doing this to win you back, as twisted as that sounds, but you do need to not only de-friend him, but block him also. This man has a very mean streak to be doing stuff like this. You don't need someone like this in your life. Not ever.

 

I say, de-friend and block him now. No words. No explanation. Just over and out. Let him know what that kind of coldness feels like.

[MayP]

 

So, please, friends.... Tell me when I need to unfriend. You know just how much I appreciate your feedback, and right now, I need it more than ever.

 

Thank you all.

 

Dearie, how are you now? Calm down a little? I am not your best friend to give you good advice (because I will FB peek and sulk over his photos), but honey... you are already one of the strongest most determined lady I have seen around here. if you can't make it through, who can?