Friends: I Desperately Need <your advice on this former affair!>

[MatchStick]

Pachuca, I found myself asking the same question: How did I get here?! (I didn't have an A, though, just FYI, an EA.) I think you are being way tooo hard on yourself. I never liked the postulate that in order to engage in something like this, there has to be 'something missing'. It's not fair to yourself. Could you not launch into the all the reasons why you are so disappointed in yourself? You are obviously a good person, and have developed all the skills that would have stopped you from such a thing.

 

I found myself on a classically described 'slippery slope.' My xMM's only 'in' was that he was a person from before we were both married, and in hindsight, shared similar situations. It is a relation that grew, but uh.....well.......I didn't mean for it to go 'that' way.

 

We are human, we are feeling, we are caring, we love, we seek to connect, we seek to share.......some in more healthy and whole ways than others.

 

I would just like to recommend you stand down on the self-criticism, and just allow yourself the knowledge you took a step off the sidewalk. It's not a mistake, its just a lesson. When we were teens, this kind of thing would be seen as normal. We never stop learning, developing, enriching our character and wisdom.

Take care of yourself! All your insights (I think) will come as you heal, and move on, making you more powerful and decisive in living your life well.

[PachucaSunrise]

I just read your post and it's compelling to me because I find myself on the other side of this. My wife is currently seeing someone, at first in secret, and now out it the open. She states he's just a friend. I don't believe her. She wants to do this right in front of me now... even asked me today if it's ok to hang out with him afterwork. Question: Should I just be ok with it or should I demand her to choose?

 

I was just going back through my thread, individually responding to each poster and almost missed your post, Chuck. I'm glad I didn't.

 

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you find yourself on the other side of this - or in a situation like this AT ALL. I hope you're handling everything as best as possible - I know it cannot be easy. I'm glad you came here, though. It's an EXCELLENT place for people who find themselves on either side of the coin. Definitely stay active on this site... You're going to receive a ton of helpful feedback.

 

I don't know if I'm in the best position to answer your question, as I don't have experience from your point of view. However, I'll do my best to give you some honest and (hopefully) helpful words of wisdom.

 

You say your wife is openly seeing someone... But you also say she admits that he's 'just a friend.' That sounds a bit contradictory to me... Or maybe I'm misinterpreting your post?? Just trying to clarify this part before I go into more detail...

[PachucaSunrise]

I think that "need," the hungry, howling black pit, is for love. When we truly love ourselves we don't accept or allow others to treat us poorly. In an A, OW/OMs accept crumbs because they don't love themselves enough to turn down someone offering only crumbs. Sometimes you don't realize that you don't love yourself. Recovery from an A means you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Wow! Now I see that something is broken and I can fix it." And be grateful for the opportunity.

 

I've thought about this quite a bit, HBIC, and I believe there's a ton of truth to your thoughts. So, thanks a bunch for your insight - it's greatly appreciated.

 

Definitely some self-esteem issues, no question about that. Another major issue that Owl opened my eyes to is codependency. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how strong my desire is to feel needed. The irony of it all is my usual aloof and 'tough chick' attitude regarding relationships, when deep down, I'm scared S$itless of potentially getting burned. I play very, very tough and overly self-sufficient - it's my defense mechanism. I never want to be seen as 'needy', and so I turn all of my attention to his needs. And as I 'help' him with his issues, I'm simultaneously filling my desire to feel wanted and loved. It's a pretty warped sense of security, actually, and I've never realized that's exactly how I've been 'protecting' myself all along, until now. Nope, I don't 'need' YOUR help for anything, I've got everything covered... But I do 'need' you to 'need' MY help, because that's precisely what makes me feel loved. Getting involved in my A is the perfect play-by-play demonstration of this...

 

The major attraction towards XMM was most likely the fact that he was unavailable. In my mind, he was a safe outlet. Being afraid of commitment and terrified of potentially getting burned was not an option with him (or so I thought), because he was already taken. MARRIED.

 

I thought he 'needed' me, and so I attempted to rescue him. I was his go-to girl, and that's how I selfishly satisfied my desire to feel secure and appreciated. I eventually opened up to him and became completely vulnerable for the first time in a very, very long time. But by the time I felt a (false) sense of security with him, it was already too late, as we were both in wayyyyy over our heads. And we both fed off of each other, filling in all the empty spaces, in two different, yet very selfish ways. Those empty spaces weren't filled with love; they were filled with all of our unmet needs, and that's what kept us going. And in the end, I was finally able to let my guard down, but I gave my trust to the wrong person.

 

Phew! So much to digest!! I apologize for going on and on and on, but just writing all of this has been very cathartic for me. I'm all out of words at the moment, but let me just say how grateful I am to be seeing things in a new way. It's all beginning to make more and more sense to me. And I wouldn't be coming to these major revelations without your insight, as well as everyone else who responded to my post, so thank you. Thank you ALL, a million times over.

[Owl6118]

You are doing some good thinking, PS. We are all proud of you.

 

I had an insight of my own the other day that might be something for you to think about too.

 

I was sharing some minor worries about my son with a friend, and she said to me "YoungOwl should be what makes YoungOwl happy."

 

I said,

 

"Yes, but what makes YoungOwl happy? Such a simple seeming question, but so hard to answer. I spent 30 years trying to answer the question 'What makes Owl6118 happy.' But all I ever really did was answer the question 'What eases Owl6118's insecurities?' Until very recently, I don't think I ever even understood the real question."

 

I kinda hit myself with a huge 2x4 with that one. I am still thinking about it now.

[PachucaSunrise]

dear Pachuca

you know how I feel about you,please don't beat yourself up,just keep moving forward,on my way to work so cant write more,just wanted you to know,that I wish the xow in my situation was more like you,thats a weird thing to say I know,i wish there wast an ow,but there was and I cant change that

 

Sweet, sweet Snappy - I do know how you feel about me, and it warms my lil heart. You've been in my corner, supporting me from day one - thank you for that. You never fail to bring a smile to my face.

 

Ha! It IS such a weird thing to say!! But I totally get it, and to be completely honest, (and as weird as THIS is to say), I'm honored that you feel that way about me. Of course I would never want to be your OW, and I also wish you never had to experience the pain of having ANY OW in your life in the first place... But the fact that you can come to this site with such a non-judgmental attitude, and befriend and communicate with people on the other side of things (such as myself), really does speak volumes about your character. Your hubby certainly found himself one hell of a catch! Not only that, but it also displays just how far you've come in your own healing journey. WAY. TO. GO!

 

Pachuca....

 

Just the fact that you posted this - that you are asking yourself "How did I get here?" says volumes about the kind of person you are.

 

I wish I had a brilliant answer, but I don't. I will just say that perhaps we had to go through this to come out the other side and never do it again - to ourselves or anyone else. Maybe others will do it again, but we won't. Maybe we should forgive ourselves for giving in to our heart instead of using our heads. Maybe next time we will remember to engage not one but both.

 

Thanks so much, Hope. No brilliant answers needed, just reaching out and offering your supportive words did the trick... Hit me 'right in the feels', haha.

 

Even though I don't know you personally, I can tell you're one exceptionally strong woman. Your posts are very telling, and in many ways, your knack for writing has taken me along with you on your incredibly emotional journey, and I know I'm not the only one on here who feels this way. You've been through hell and have found your way back, and you continue to help others even when you are struggling yourself. That's quite selfless and something I admire very much about you. You set the bar pretty darn high when it comes to overcoming some of life's most difficult hurdles. And you continue to display such a wonderful example of just how powerful your strength and resiliency can be when put to the ultimate test.

 

And I agree with what you had to say - lesson was definitely learned, as I know it was for you as well. Like you, I will be able to love again one day, with all of my heart, but this time I WILL NOT FORGET MY HEAD!

 

I have a strong feeling that with all of what we have survived (in different ways, of course), we will continue to heal, grow, learn, rise above, accept, forgive, and ultimately find ourselves in a healthy and happy place... A place where we receive from others exactly what we give of ourselves... That's the way it SHOULD be, and as I continue to better myself, I'm becoming more and more confident that a place like this actually exists, and that I DESERVE to find it.

 

Thanks again, Hope.

[HBIC]

I have a strong feeling that with all of what we have survived (in different ways, of course), we will continue to heal, grow, learn, rise above, accept, forgive, and ultimately find ourselves in a healthy and happy place... A place where we receive from others exactly what we give of ourselves... That's the way it SHOULD be, and as I continue to better myself, I'm becoming more and more confident that a place like this actually exists, and that I DESERVE to find it.

 

Dear PachucaSunrise,

I am happy to see your head lifting out of the clouds. I think we should strive to self-examine an amount of time or to a degree of intensity commensurate with the degree to which we goofed. Being an OW is a big goof, but once we have figured out

1. that it isn't a good thing for us

2. why we did it

3. how we will avoid ever doing it again

it is time to move on, go outside, breathe fresh air, give ourselves a hug, and SMILE because our hearts are beating and are whole.

 

When you live an experience and learn from it, you become that much wiser and stronger.

 

Like you, I am extraordinarily grateful for the thoughts of posters in the OW/OM and Infidelity sections for helping me to understand myself and steering me toward a healthier and happier life. And now I feel like going out and living it. That said, it's fun to come back here every once and a while for a "booster shot" of reality and common sense during the healing process.

[PachucaSunrise]

Angel, Getting Stronger, Matchstick, May, and Owl....

 

I have yet to reply to some of your posts and apologize for that - definitely haven't forgotten about you guys - that is not at all the case. I was doing pretty good there for a few days, going through each post, one by one, responding in a timely manner... I received a TON of wonderful insight from all of you and want you to know just how grateful I am for that - really, you've all been so incredibly helpful and kind.

 

I still have so much to say, but at the moment, I think I've hit a wall. I've been doing so much thinking, analyzing, and reflecting this weekend that I've completely exhausted myself. It's definitely been a very good thing for me, but I'm totally spent. Like, stick a fork in me, I'M DONE, haha! Just maybe... This could potentially be a big (and positive) turning point for me?? I'm really hoping so. It's pretty amazing how our emotions can take such a toll on us. I've been sleeping like a baby (for the first time in a LONG time), but even with the good sleep I've had I'm still feeling utterly drained.

 

Just wanted to check in with everyone to let you know I've been thinking of all of you. I'll definitely be back soon to tie up some loose ends... And maybe I'll even have some positive news! Wouldn't that be sweet?!

 

Until then, remember to take care of yourselves, enjoy time with your loved ones, and maybe even have some ice cream... WITH sprinkles! I could definitely go for some right now.

 

Thanks again, all, from the bottom of my heart.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I have no real answers except to say that affairs, falling in love, new relationships have the same effect on the body that drugs do. It can easily become an addiction the moment the ball starts rolling. I actually find love chemicals to be even stronger than drug sensations. And to complicate things it is also tied into so many things, our value, our future, our past. A tangled web that once created almost impossible to sort out and figure out. My affair destroyed me. But I was ripe for one. I don't have friends, I don't feel good about myself, I am hitting middle age, I think I am not in love with my husband. Etc...

 

But in all cases, I think that the drug like nature of love is hard to turn away from unhealthy unmoralistic and so on.

[MayP]

in my moment of weakness, I took a peek at our old photo. Oh boy... that overwhelming emotions.

[Owl6118]

Just remember the mantra, PS.

[MayP]

Just remember the mantra, PS.

 

what is PS? help...

 

arrghhh... I am absolutely thinking way too much.

hit by low self esteem. am I not enough for him?! why doesn't he miss me like I do? men are so cool?

[Owl6118]

Sorry, May, it just means "Pachuca Sunrise. " You know, PS. I was replying to her update, not your post above mine, apologies for the confusion. The mantra I refer to is just a laughter-of-the-heart reminder to PS of something I wrote on her earlier thread.

Edited June 30, 2014 by Owl6118
Further clarification

[MayP]

Sorry, May, it just means "Pachuca Sunrise. " You know, PS. I was replying to her update, not your post above mine, apologies for the confusion. The mantra I refer to is just a laughter-of-the-heart reminder to PS of something I wrote on her earlier thread.

 

Ahhh...

 

I am so envious that you ladies are strong now.

[Owl6118]

Ack, more confusion. I'm male, May. Again, sorry my note was so cryptic.

[MayP]

Ack, more confusion. I'm male, May. Again, sorry my note was so cryptic.

 

you just brought about an awkward smile on my lips

 

sorry!

[PachucaSunrise]

Oh, Confused - I'm definitely going to get back to your post as soon as I have the time to give you a more thoughtful response. Your thoughts really tugged at my heart strings. I feel your pain. And I want you to know that even though this may not be considered 'real life', it's still very meaningful, and you have most definitely found a friend in me. I mean that.

 

To my wise friend, Owl - I will NEVER forget that mantra, lol. Never, especially because I know it came from such a SOLID person who I've grown to respect so very much. It still makes me giggle each time I think of it, and I remind myself to say it on a daily basis. It really does help!

 

May - PUT THAT PHOTO AWAY!! If you can't throw it away (I know that might be kinda tough to do at the moment), HIDE IT! And when you're having a moment of weakness, come here and let it all hang out! Seriously, come here and vent away!

 

May - I also want you to know that I'm not all that far ahead of you in terms of this crazy, up and down, side to side, roller coaster ride of a healing journey. It takes TIME - LOTS of it. I have my good days, and then I have my bad days. But I will tell you this - my good days are definitely beginning to outnumber my bad ones. I am not exactly strong... YET, but I am definitely stronger than I was when I first posted. I'm currently fighting those frustrating low self-esteem issues as well. I think that's completely normal considering the circumstances. Read around a bit, you'll most likely take some comfort when you realize you're not at all alone in that respect. And you're MORE THAN enough for him... The tough part to swallow is realizing that he's not even close to being enough for you. You deserve more than those lousy breadcrumbs - you deserve the whole loaf - all of us do.

 

Oh, one last thing... Owl and May - I got such a kick out of that little back and forth thing you guys had going. Gave me the giggles, so thank you.

[MayP]

PS- You lifted my spirits. I am grateful.

Why am I having such a hard time? He is the third man I have kissed, one of the few I have developed feelings for, worked together for years. I am in my mid-thirties and no... I don't lack suitors. I read, trust me, I read a lot. And what I read, applies to me: when you love the other man, you have to love the current less. I cannot compartmentalize. I have no experience on this field of game.

Yet, in my whirlpool of self doubt, low self esteem and whys... I don't want to appear like I can't 'be a friend' like he said. I want to show him, I can. I have to sort out. Take away the romance element. True... I will hurt myself and delay my healing in doing so. I do love him and that is just a part of me.

[PachucaSunrise]

First and foremost - I want to thank you guys in advance for any words of wisdom. I am in dire need of some. I'm struggling something awful. Hanging on by a thread and need the toughest love you have to offer. I'm braced and ready for it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, with all of my heart.

 

For those of you who don't know my story, I will sum it up quickly - I am a FOW. XMM's W cheated on him prior to our A. A few years later, he returned the favor by cheating with me. His BS found out about everything, so naturally, there was a D-day. BS reached out to me to get the truth - I gave her everything she asked for. She was incredibly appreciative. Soon after, they decided to D.

 

Days and weeks later, XMM followed the typical affair-like pattern of taking me on the most agonizing rollercoaster ride of my life. Back and forth, up and down. One enormous mess of mass confusion. And finally, 3 months of NC. To put it lightly - it completely ruined me.

 

I have been working extremely hard to move on from everything but feel like I'm not making any progress. One good day, two bad, and then the pattern repeats itself. I beat myself up on a daily basis and cannot seem to forgive myself for my horrifically poor choices. To say I feel awful for the role I played is an understatement. It's been 5 months since D-day and if anything, I've only gotten worse. The hate, regret, and resentment I feel is beginning to take over my life and I just can't live this way anymore.

 

I'm completely traumatized - to the point where I am deathly afraid of married men. I avoid them at ALL costs - no talking, no eye contact, no nothing. I see a ring on a guy's ring finger and my heart immediately begins to race. I'm irritable, moody, severely depressed and quite hypervigilant. Additionally, my appetite is completely out of whack (it has been for the past 5 months), and my sleep is severely disrupted. I'm also avoiding particular places and situations where I know I'll be reminded of the A. Every day that passes, I miss out more and more on all the fun things in life I used to enjoy. I have a feeling this may be a form of PTSD, I'm not 100% sure, but I do have an appointment scheduled with a new therapist next month - THANKFULLY.

 

Here is the problem - XMM came back and it's completely turned my world upside down. If I was bad before, the way I am now makes these past few months look like a cake walk. He and his W are in the process of D, but it hasn't been finalized as of yet. He reached out to me through two different forms of social media, but we have not actually spoken. He occasionally writes me little messages, things that only he and I would only know, but I don't respond. I just don't get it. Why? Why would he do this to me? I admit I'm naive, but this is just cruel. I'm getting the feeling that every day, he is inching his way closer and closer to trying to become a part of my life again.

 

I KNOW now that I should have instinctively denied any of his social media requests, but I didn't. I feel like an even bigger fool for not doing that. I am so hurt, so completely devastated over EVERYTHING, but I just don't want him to know that. I don't want him to have that kind of power over me again. So, I accepted his requests for two reasons - one - because I initially felt satisfied when he reached out to me, and two - because I don't want him to have any idea of just how traumatized this whole situation has left me. I am putting my best face forward, but it's a complete lie. I know he knows I was hurt, but he has no clue just how awful these past few months have been for me. And I don't want to give him that satisfaction. I don't think he deserves it, although I don't think he deserves to know ANYTHING about my life in the first place. I'm just very, very conflicted about this.

 

From what I have gathered, he is now seeing someone new. He isn't open about it, but she is, claiming her territory literally MINUTES after I accepted his friend request, posting all sorts of juvenile things all over his FB page. It's quite pathetic and makes me wonder how I was ever interested in a guy who would play a part in these childlike shenanigans. So, the only positive, really, is when I see that sort of thing, I do feel somewhat better about myself. Sad but true. I also look at the whole situation and think... I may have been a rebound, but she is most definitely his 'rebound-rebound'. No doubt about it, and I can only be thankful that I am not in that position any longer.

 

So, I know I desperately NEED to unfriend, and delete, and block, and get the hell away from him, and I know this may sound silly, but I don't know how to do it without letting him know that it deeply hurts me to see what I have seen. All this sadness I've been feeling is slowly turning into anger. And as much as it kills me, I'm pretty sure I need to swallow my pride and just do it, but if I'm going to do it, I just can't let it go without saying something. I am so angry and so incredibly hurt that he would even think of trying to be my friend when he knows EXACTLY the kinds of things I would be seeing on his page. I know I shouldn't necessarily be surprised, but I am. It's one thing to want to check up on me from time to time, but it's another to more or less throw it in my face that he's out enjoying the single life... Well, not single, actually, but you know what I mean. He's throwing it in my face that there's someone new. I doubt if the ink was even dry on the D filing papers before he swooped her up. Hell, I'm alone now, too, and sure, it sucks, but I'm not so afraid of being alone that I turn to desperation. And desperation is all I see when I look at his face.

 

I know he doesn't want to be my 'friend'. I don't know how he would even think that that could be possible. It's almost insulting to me. Hell, it IS insulting! Lots of time would need to pass for that to even be a possibility. But on the other hand, I don't want to have hate in my heart, and I do want to eventually be able to forgive. If I can't forgive him, I at least want to continue to try to forgive myself because this is all becoming more than I can handle.

 

So, yes, unfriending is a MUST. In my heart of hearts, I know that's the truth. But the more I'm writing on here, the more I'm beginning to think that I want him to know what an as$hole I REALLY think he is. I was absolutely devastated when he didn't think twice to throw me under the bus, and now this... This has only added to those feelings of complete devastation. For him to have the balls to think that he can have me as a 'friend' while he's honeymooning with this new chick? I don't think so. That is beyond unfair to me. I would NEVER do anything remotely like that to him or anyone else for that matter. I just don't have it in me to be that cruel.

 

And for the record - I am so happy that his STBXW will no longer have to deal with this immature POS, either. I think we're the ones who are gonna end up lucky.

 

So, give it to me, friends. Please. Please help me on how to go about this. I appreciate this more than I can ever say in words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

Edited August 18, 2014 by PachucaSunrise

[Mount]

Hey I don't know why you beat down yourself so much. You don't know how significant that you determine to have No Contact with the exMM, that is really something BIG and you can be proud of here.

 

It shows how strong and clear-headed you are. Give youself some credit pls.

[Hope Shimmers]

First and foremost - I want to thank you guys in advance for any words of wisdom. I am in dire need of some. I'm struggling something awful. Hanging on by a thread and need the toughest love you have to offer. I'm braced and ready for it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, with all of my heart.

 

For those of you who don't know my story, I will sum it up quickly - I am a FOW. XMM's W cheated on him prior to our A. A few years later, he returned the favor by cheating with me. His BS found out about everything, so naturally, there was a D-day. BS reached out to me to get the truth - I gave her everything she asked for. She was incredibly appreciative. Soon after, they decided to D.

 

Days and weeks later, XMM followed the typical affair-like pattern of taking me on the most agonizing rollercoaster ride of my life. Back and forth, up and down. One enormous mess of mass confusion. And finally, 3 months of NC. To put it lightly - it completely ruined me.

 

I have been working extremely hard to move on from everything but feel like I'm not making any progress. One good day, two bad, and then the pattern repeats itself. I beat myself up on a daily basis and cannot seem to forgive myself for my horrifically poor choices. To say I feel awful for the role I played is an understatement. It's been 5 months since D-day and if anything, I've only gotten worse. The hate, regret, and resentment I feel is beginning to take over my life and I just can't live this way anymore.

 

I'm completely traumatized - to the point where I am deathly afraid of married men. I avoid them at ALL costs - no talking, no eye contact, no nothing. I see a ring on a guy's ring finger and my heart immediately begins to race. I'm irritable, moody, severely depressed and quite hypervigilant. Additionally, my appetite is completely out of whack (it has been for the past 5 months), and my sleep is severely disrupted. I'm also avoiding particular places and situations where I know I'll be reminded of the A. Every day that passes, I miss out more and more on all the fun things in life I used to enjoy. I have a feeling this may be a form of PTSD, I'm not 100% sure, but I do have an appointment scheduled with a new therapist next month - THANKFULLY.

 

Here is the problem - XMM came back and it's completely turned my world upside down. If I was bad before, the way I am now makes these past few months look like a cake walk. He and his W are in the process of D, but it hasn't been finalized as of yet. He reached out to me through two different forms of social media, but we have not actually spoken. He occasionally writes me little messages, things that only he and I would only know, but I don't respond. I just don't get it. Why? Why would he do this to me? I admit I'm naive, but this is just cruel. I'm getting the feeling that every day, he is inching his way closer and closer to trying to become a part of my life again.

 

I KNOW now that I should have instinctively denied any of his social media requests, but I didn't. I feel like an even bigger fool for not doing that. I am so hurt, so completely devastated over EVERYTHING, but I just don't want him to know that. I don't want him to have that kind of power over me again. So, I accepted his requests for two reasons - one - because I initially felt satisfied when he reached out to me, and two - because I don't want him to have any idea of just how traumatized this whole situation has left me. I am putting my best face forward, but it's a complete lie. I know he knows I was hurt, but he has no clue just how awful these past few months have been for me. And I don't want to give him that satisfaction. I don't think he deserves it, although I don't think he deserves to know ANYTHING about my life in the first place. I'm just very, very conflicted about this.

 

From what I have gathered, he is now seeing someone new. He isn't open about it, but she is, claiming her territory literally MINUTES after I accepted his friend request, posting all sorts of juvenile things all over his FB page. It's quite pathetic and makes me wonder how I was ever interested in a guy who would play a part in these childlike shenanigans. So, the only positive, really, is when I see that sort of thing, I do feel somewhat better about myself. Sad but true. I also look at the whole situation and think... I may have been a rebound, but she is most definitely his 'rebound-rebound'. No doubt about it, and I can only be thankful that I am not in that position any longer.

 

So, I know I desperately NEED to unfriend, and delete, and block, and get the hell away from him, and I know this may sound silly, but I don't know how to do it without letting him know that it deeply hurts me to see what I have seen. All this sadness I've been feeling is slowly turning into anger. And as much as it kills me, I'm pretty sure I need to swallow my pride and just do it, but if I'm going to do it, I just can't let it go without saying something. I am so angry and so incredibly hurt that he would even think of trying to be my friend when he knows EXACTLY the kinds of things I would be seeing on his page. I know I shouldn't necessarily be surprised, but I am. It's one thing to want to check up on me from time to time, but it's another to more or less throw it in my face that he's out enjoying the single life... Well, not single, actually, but you know what I mean. He's throwing it in my face that there's someone new. I doubt if the ink was even dry on the D filing papers before he swooped her up. Hell, I'm alone now, too, and sure, it sucks, but I'm not so afraid of being alone that I turn to desperation. And desperation is all I see when I look at his face.

 

I know he doesn't want to be my 'friend'. I don't know how he would even think that that could be possible. It's almost insulting to me. Hell, it IS insulting! Lots of time would need to pass for that to even be a possibility. But on the other hand, I don't want to have hate in my heart, and I do want to eventually be able to forgive. If I can't forgive him, I at least want to continue to try to forgive myself because this is all becoming more than I can handle.

 

So, yes, unfriending is a MUST. In my heart of hearts, I know that's the truth. But the more I'm writing on here, the more I'm beginning to think that I want him to know what an as$hole I REALLY think he is. I was absolutely devastated when he didn't think twice to throw me under the bus, and now this... This has only added to those feelings of complete devastation. For him to have the balls to think that he can have me as a 'friend' while he's honeymooning with this new chick? I don't think so. That is beyond unfair to me. I would NEVER do anything remotely like that to him or anyone else for that matter. I just don't have it in me to be that cruel.

 

And for the record - I am so happy that his STBXW will no longer have to deal with this immature POS, either. I think we're the ones who are gonna end up lucky.

 

So, give it to me, friends. Please. Please help me on how to go about this. I appreciate this more than I can ever say in words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

 

Pachuca,

 

I have so many things to say that I don't know what to say first.

 

This guy SO Totally doesn't deserve you. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to see his rebound-girlfriend's posts on Facebook. OMG!!!

 

You guys are both on your way towards single now. I don't think he deserves you for one second... but I know you love him... and you need resolution one way or another. I think you won't get that until you talk to him.

 

I know you're too smart to get back into an affair, but I think in your case you two need to talk it out so that you know that your leaving him totally alone is the right thing.

[whichwayisup]

So, I know I desperately NEED to unfriend, and delete, and block, and get the hell away from him, and I know this may sound silly, but I don't know how to do it without letting him know that it deeply hurts me to see what I have seen.

 

You just go silent on him. Let him wonder. Because really, who cares what he thinks? You cannot control that...You can only control yourself.

 

DELETE and BLOCK him.

 

Change your email address. Make it impossible for him to contact you.

 

You can do this!!

 

He is a cancer in your life so it's best to cut him out forever so you can finally find some peace and be happy again without all his bullsh.t to put up with.

[herself]

Well, I would do it face to face if you HAVE to...but really feel like no words speak louder than silence.

But since theres been fb games etc by the new gf...was thinking a face to face quick short meeting would be more final and less drama.

 

But seeing him, even this final convo is gonna be brutal on you.

Really would consider just stepping back all together.

If this is the way he is gonna just burn through women, from his wife, to you...to a new woman...are your precious words and feelings and showing your heart really worthy of him?

He doesn't deserve any of it.

Id just disappear but thats just me.

So sorry you are feeling so awful but you ARE going to be okay.

[PachucaSunrise]

Hey I don't know why you beat down yourself so much. You don't know how significant that you determine to have No Contact with the exMM, that is really something BIG and you can be proud of here.

 

It shows how strong and clear-headed you are. Give youself some credit pls.

 

I really appreciate this, Mount. It means a great deal to me. Thank you.

 

I know we all make mistakes, learn from them, and eventually move on... My problem is the moving on part. This is the worst thing I have ever done in my entire life. I know it's not exactly the end of the world, but I never knew I had it in me to treat another person so poorly. That continues to be my greatest struggle. But if I never accept, I will never be able to forgive. I have to remind myself of that.

 

I'm not giving up, though. I KNOW I can do this. It may take me a little bit longer than I expected, but I WILL get there.

 

Thank you so very much for your support.

[MayP]

Hey PachucaS, remember when I first spoke to you? I thought you are soooo over it and only now that I realized it hasn't really been over so long ago. You are strong. Come on, put on your best face and don't let him know your misery. Don't give it to him. Even if you need to talk to him, don't show him your weaker side!

[Red123]

As people we learn from our experiences. I wish we didn't sometimes but our mistakes are usually our best and most important lessons. We all believe we would never have an A and unless faced with that choice a lot of us will never know what we would do. You know now exactly what you would do if faced with this again, because of your lessen you have learned. My H is feeling a lot like you right now and reminds himself that he now knows for sure what he would do different if ever faced with this again. You display true remorse and deserve to forgive yourself and move forward. You have earned this lesson through a lot of pain. I think that it could be viewed in a similar manner to a person who works hard for their money and makes millions vs a person who inherited millions. That person who worked knows the value because their blood, sweat and tears went into it. They are less likely to squander it. You know the true pain of an A to all parties involved, you know you will never do this again. Forgive yourself knowing that you truly have learned