Friends: I Desperately Need <your advice on this former affair!>

[PachucaSunrise]

I just did it. I deleted him. On both social media sites. I blocked him, too. I have no idea how the hell I did it, but I did. And there's no going back. I'm a stickler when it comes to stuff like this - a woman of my word.

 

I. DID. IT!!!!!!!!!!

 

I thank you all for being so incredibly supportive during my journey. It's not over, but this is a huge turning point. HUGE.

 

I am so very thankful for all of you. You have NO IDEA!!

 

It's time to start living again.

[MayP]

I just did it. I deleted him. On both social media sites. I blocked him, too. I have no idea how the hell I did it, but I did. And there's no going back. I'm a stickler when it comes to stuff like this - a woman of my word.

 

I. DID. IT!!!!!!!!!!

 

I thank you all for being so incredibly supportive during my journey. It's not over, but this is a huge turning point. HUGE.

 

I am so very thankful for all of you. You have NO IDEA!!

 

It's time to start living again.

 

YOU go girl!

[bathtub-row]

I just did it. I deleted him. On both social media sites. I blocked him, too. I have no idea how the hell I did it, but I did. And there's no going back. I'm a stickler when it comes to stuff like this - a woman of my word.

 

Yay!!! I'm so happy for you!

 

I know you've been through a lot. You did the right thing. It'll be so funny when he figures it out.

[Pinklotus]

Congrats!!!! Let the healing begin....

 

So happy for you.

 

I agree, what a mean streak. Not a friend of any sort, at all.

 

Best wishes for a new and happy life.

[Meretchen]

This is so great to hear! :-)

[PachucaSunrise]

dear sweet Pachuca

please know what a beautiful person you are inside,and out hes not worth your time at all hes a pos,you are to good for him,and you know what you have got to stop beating yourself up,trust me I know its deep seeded in you and its probably not easy for you,but im telling you,please stop you are great you know what, I know you feel bad for what you did.

guess what that speaks volumes to your character,i respect you so much,dont ever change I know there is a perfect man out there for you,who will treat you and love you how you deserve to be loved,and I do want an invite to your wedding.

we are all human and we all make mistakes just remember that and forgive yourself,PLEASE

 

Snappy - I cannot thank you enough for how sweet you have been to me... You've always been in my corner, since day one. Your support has helped me through some of my darkest days, and I'll never be able to express just how much that means to me. Thank you.

 

I think I've finally turned a huge corner, and there's just no way I would have been able to do that without your continued support. You are such a gem, Snappy. SUCH a gem! I am beyond blessed to have crossed paths with you.

 

You will most definitely be at my wedding. You can bet your bottom dollar on that one, haha!!

 

Thanks again, Snappy, for EVERYTHING. I feel so fortunate to know you.

[PachucaSunrise]

I concur with the others that the person we see on here is worthy of forgiveness and respect- I think you remind many of us BS's of our remorseful spouses-true remorse is a painful process- who wants to face up to some of the things they need to face in themselves-

 

However, I hope for you what I hope for my husband- one day you will learn to forgive yourself so that you can truly move forward-right now he claims he will never be able to do that, the best he said he can hope for is to be able to live with himself-I want so much more for him and for you-

 

They say reconciliation takes 2-5 years so it stands to reason that all the little pieces parts like forgiving yourself would take that long as well-

 

Be good to you and don't accept anything less than you deserve in your relationships-

 

Stronger - you have also been so good to me on here. And just like Snappy, I'll never be able to thank you enough. Your continued support means the world to me. It really does. Thank you, with all of my heart.

 

I can definitely sympathize with your H. I really do get it. The whole aftermath of everything has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to face in my entire life... Maybe THE hardest thing, actually. And like your H, even though I feel true remorse, I don't know when I'll actually be able to forgive myself. The journey is absolutely brutal. And I know I've said this before, but you need to hear it again - he is so fortunate to have you there by his side. You are an incredibly strong and loving woman. I know that with your continued support, you guys will get through this. There's no doubt in my mind.

 

I truly do hope the same for your H - that there will soon come a day where he can FULLY forgive himself so the both of you can finally move forward. You deserve it, and so does he. I know it takes time (good lord, does it ever!), but it's not impossible. I wish you both nothing but love and happiness.

 

From this day forward, I will NEVER accept anything less than what I deserve. I won't. NEVER, EVER again. I can't even begin to tell you just how good it feels to say that... And MEAN it!

 

So, thank you again, Stronger. For everything. Your support has meant so much to me.

[snappytomcat]

Snappy - I cannot thank you enough for how sweet you have been to me... You've always been in my corner, since day one. Your support has helped me through some of my darkest days, and I'll never be able to express just how much that means to me. Thank you.

 

I think I've finally turned a huge corner, and there's just no way I would have been able to do that without your continued support. You are such a gem, Snappy. SUCH a gem! I am beyond blessed to have crossed paths with you.

 

You will most definitely be at my wedding. You can bet your bottom dollar on that one, haha!!

 

Thanks again, Snappy, for EVERYTHING. I feel so fortunate to know you.

right back atcha Pachuca,you are such a great person,just remember that you are great

[PachucaSunrise]

Bathtub, May, Pink, and Meretchen.... (and everyone else who has been so kind and supportive of me - you definitely know who you are). Oh, I just wish I could give you all a great, big hug.

 

Just... Thank you. Thank you so, so much for being so supportive. I haven't been on this site in a few days, and to come back and see the sweet words you guys wrote me - oh, it means so much. I have the biggest smile on my face. And the best part about it is that my smile is REAL - for the first time in such a long, long time. It. Feels. Awesome. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your encouraging words, and for sharing in my happiness. I am so very grateful.

 

I think this past week has been like a brand new phase for me - a really, really good one. I can't seem to put it into words, but I feel so different, and in the best way possible. A new beginning, perhaps? Whatever it is, it's been forever since I've felt so fresh, so alive, and.... SO FREE!

 

In all honesty - deleting him was extremely difficult. I still have no idea how I was able to do it, but I did, and I've stuck with it, and like hell if I'll ever go back. Since the big move, I really haven't been doing much stalking, either (total truth - just a little bit, but nothing remotely like I was before. Not even close). I also threw a ton of little memories away, deleted messages and emails, phone numbers, and even photos. It's all gone. For good. I have no use for any of it.

 

Initially, when he popped back into my life, I immediately became flooded with emotions. It was so overwhelming and unexpected that I just didn't know how to handle myself. Yes, there was a part of me that felt satisfied, almost happy... But there was also another side of me that felt legitimately hurt and ANGRY. For the first time throughout all of this, I truly saw red. I 'tried' to make myself feel angry before but I guess I just wasn't ready. It never lasted. And any anger I temporarily felt always came back to feeling so, so sad. And hurt. And betrayed. And remorseful. And so disappointed and disgusted with myself. And just.... Stuck. And, omg, did I hate it. I hated feeling that way. And even though I was doing everything possible to move forward with my life, I just couldn't do it. Time kept passing me by, and instead of feeling better about things, the hate I felt for myself continued to grow.

 

So, at first, I thought I had taken some MAJOR steps backwards by resuming contact with him once again. But I think that little bit of contact is just what I needed to 'see the light' so to speak. For the first time, EVER, I saw the real him. I saw a needy, desperate, selfish, cruel, insecure, cowardly, and vengeful person.

 

His timing in contacting me was impeccable. He knew exactly what he was doing. He patiently waited for the perfect time so that I would be able to witness his "new found love." He wanted a reaction, and the only thing I gave him was silence. I am so incredibly proud of myself for that.

 

After a 13 year relationship with his STBXW, our whirlwind A, and now this new girl... Well, it showed me just how desperate and scared he is of being alone. His D isn't even final, and I'm certain this "new love" was in the picture well before the D papers were even signed. So, as I think about all of this, it actually makes me pity him. To think that at one time I wanted to make a life with this man... A man who is so incredibly unsure of himself, who so desperately sought out ANYONE who would help him avoid being alone - well, that's just very, very sad. He has NO IDEA who he really is. He's scared $hitless to come face-to-face with that person. And now that I've seen what I've seen, I'd certainly be scared to meet that person, too.

 

Sure, he's out drinking his face off, living it up, honeymooning with the latest love of his life... But it's all a crutch, because way, way deep inside is a very broken person. And until he faces that person, history will continue to repeat itself.

 

But all of this - everything - is no longer any of my concern. My concern has finally shifted to ME. I am also broken. I would not have found myself tangled up in this ugly mess (in the first place) if there wasn't something lacking within me. However, I am aware of this - now more than ever. I'm not hiding from anything and will continue to face my inner demons head-on. So, now, when the time is RIGHT and I'm at my best - mentally and emotionally - I will be able to offer myself to the RIGHT person, and I sure as hell won't be settling for anything less than what I KNOW I deserve.

 

So, even though I do feel lonely and somewhat sad (and I will admit - slightly jealous), I'm going to use this time to my advantage. This is the time to work on ME - to become the healthiest version of myself. And as much as I'd like to have someone to fall back on, so I didn't feel so alone, that's just not the way to go. It's entirely too selfish. I know exactly how it feels to be used as a crutch and I don't have it in me to do that to someone else. So I will go it alone and learn to love myself again, and most importantly, FORGIVE myself. I am NOT my mistakes and I refuse to be defined by them.

 

So, again, thank you - everyone. This site and all the people on it have been such a tremendous help to me. I may take a little break, but I won't be gone for long. There's so much that I'd love to be able to give back, but I'm not going to be able to do that until I get myself 'right'. I'm just so incredibly thankful that I'm one step closer to coming out on the other side of things. It may take some time, but FINALLY, I'm more confident than ever that I will get there. This entire journey has been absolutely BRUTAL, and I am forever grateful to those of you who have been there for me every step of the way.

 

Love and hugs to all! Thank you, with all of my heart.

[bathtub-row]

Yeah, you may have personal issues that allowed you to get involved in a situation like that but, take heart, at least your issues don't fall into the same category as his do. Because where you may have been too weak or naive to see what was going on, at least you're not callous and heartless like him. Because that stunt he pulled on Facebook was completely out of line and completely heartless.

 

That would shift things for me because I would realize that he's nowhere close to the person he led me to believe he was. For any pain my xMM caused me, he would never dream of doing that kind of thing to me. He also wouldn't throw me under the bus. I know this because someone close to him found out about us and one of the first things he said to them was to not ever hold it against me, that it was his fault. If he had handled things any differently, I wouldn't have ever spoken to him again, and my feelings for him would've changed.

 

I completely understand your feelings of jealousy. It's perfectly normal. I also think your ex still has a thing for you. Otherwise, his current gf wouldn't have felt the need to be defensive and he wouldn't have felt the need to throw the relationship in your face. Well, he screwed up for the last time and you can move on in peace, with your head held high because you took the high road. I promise that someday it will stop hurting and someday you'll no longer care.

[Meretchen]

PachucaSunrise, to see you empowered in this way brings a big smile to my face and tremendous joy, feeling are what they are, but by now you have taken control of your own destiny and fate, you have inspired me and empowered me to stay focused - thank you

Edited August 30, 2014 by Meretchen

[PachucaSunrise]

Yeah, you may have personal issues that allowed you to get involved in a situation like that but, take heart, at least your issues don't fall into the same category as his do. Because where you may have been too weak or naive to see what was going on, at least you're not callous and heartless like him. Because that stunt he pulled on Facebook was completely out of line and completely heartless.

 

That would shift things for me because I would realize that he's nowhere close to the person he led me to believe he was. For any pain my xMM caused me, he would never dream of doing that kind of thing to me. He also wouldn't throw me under the bus. I know this because someone close to him found out about us and one of the first things he said to them was to not ever hold it against me, that it was his fault. If he had handled things any differently, I wouldn't have ever spoken to him again, and my feelings for him would've changed.

 

I completely understand your feelings of jealousy. It's perfectly normal. I also think your ex still has a thing for you. Otherwise, his current gf wouldn't have felt the need to be defensive and he wouldn't have felt the need to throw the relationship in your face. Well, he screwed up for the last time and you can move on in peace, with your head held high because you took the high road. I promise that someday it will stop hurting and someday you'll no longer care.

 

Thank you for this, Bathtub.

 

I definitely do have some things to work through (obviously, haha), but I'm totally ready. Going to see a new therapist in two weeks and I seriously can't wait. And you're right - even though I screwed up, ROYALLY, I've learned that I have a conscience - a big one, and I am not a completely heartless person. I certainly can't say the same for XMM.

 

I will always wish that I could go back in time and do things differently. Oh, if I could take back the hurt I caused, I would do it in an instant... But at the same time, maybe this had to happen for a reason? I've said it a million times, but if I can take any positives out of this, that's what I plan to do. Or if I have the opportunity to help someone in a similar situation, I would so love to be able to do that. And thankfully, I have so much faith that eventually, going through this experience will ultimately make me a better person. I'm definitely gonna work my ass off, that's for sure!

 

As far as his STBXW? I wish it didn't have to happen this way, and that I never played a role in their screwed up M, but I really feel as though she is finally finding her freedom as well. Now she has the opportunity to find a man who is deserving of all she has to offer... A man who can openly communicate with her and stand by her side when the going gets tough, instead of taking the cowardly way out - A REAL MAN. I know she'll eventually find him and that makes me very happy.

 

And I agree with you - I also have a funny feeling XMM went far out of his way to get me going... To try to stir up some jealous feelings. His calculated actions are proof of that. Sure, it worked for a little while. This definitely stung something awful, but it was also the final straw. I'm moving on in peace, just as you said, with my head held high... And when I'm ready - mentally and emotionally - I will find someone who is deserving of all I have to offer as well. The person who I REALLY feel for right now is this new girl. She has no idea of the $hitstorm she has just entered. But again, that is completely out of my hands and not of my concern. I'm focused on me right now, and my journey toward a healthy sense of self and personal well-being.

 

Thanks again, Bathtub. It definitely still hurts, but each time I begin to feel sad, I remind myself of the HUGE bullet I dodged. That thing was MASSIVE.

[PachucaSunrise]

PachucaSunrise, to see you empowered in this way brings a big smile to my face and tremendous joy, feeling are what they are, but by now you have taken control of your own destiny and fate, you have inspired me and empowered me to stay focused - thank you

 

I completely forgot to acknowledge your message, Meretchen! So sorry about that.

 

Thank you SO much for your reply. I wasn't able to pinpoint exactly how I was feeling, but you definitely nailed it - EMPOWERED!! It's been far too long, and to feel this way - finally - it's such a relief. I can't even explain it, but each day that passes, I'm feeling more and more like my old self. Sounds weird, but I really missed that chick, haha!

 

If sharing my story has inspired or helped you in ANY way, omg, that's just wonderful!! I am so thrilled to hear that! Your encouragement is doing the same for me - keeping me in line and focused, so I'm very appreciative of it. Thank you.

 

I'm going to check out your thread and see if there's any way I can return the favor. We need to support each other on here, so you can bet I got your back, girl! If I can do this, so can you. Keep your chin up, and most importantly, KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Let's do this!