Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Here we go 6 years of me being the OW. All that has changed. MM moved out the house to his own place has his kids parttime. STILL no D...keeps saying his kids will be devastated...Yet we are just drifting apart...all we do is hang out here and there..no trips like we use too..not much affection. I just keep myself wrapped up in my own career and just live for the days. I have tried to leave this multiple times but let him back everytime. I have confided in him as someone I told everything too. So I get so weak to cut it off. Yet once again he pops up how a yearly family vacation will take place. I snapped. I said thats it..I am done if I hear the W goes because he did this to me last year. So he then says I am making him chose his kids or me. It is all I ever hear. Yet I have changed my entire life for this man. I am getting older and tired of even the messed up relationship. I have grown so numb to even loving him because he reminds me of comfort food. He is just there at times... not them all..and I am to scared to move on because all I have is my career to run too. It does change right? When the time comes... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 It is unfortunate you are going through this, only you can make a choice here for yourself. Also why MM moves out his house if he does not intend to D? Was his wife asking him to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 I'm sure he's perfectly capable of vacationing with his children without the W present, if he's separated from her. It is apparent he doesn't *want* to vacation separate from her. It's not a matter of being a choice between his kids or you, but it is a matter of being with his wife or you. It won't change unless you initiate it. The cycle doesn't stop by itself. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Stand up for yourself, mama. You're the only one who can do this for you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 The cycle stops when you get off the bike. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Here we go 6 years of me being the OW. All that has changed. MM moved out the house to his own place has his kids parttime. STILL no D...keeps saying his kids will be devastated...Yet we are just drifting apart...all we do is hang out here and there..no trips like we use too..not much affection. I just keep myself wrapped up in my own career and just live for the days. I have tried to leave this multiple times but let him back everytime. I have confided in him as someone I told everything too. So I get so weak to cut it off. Yet once again he pops up how a yearly family vacation will take place. I snapped. I said thats it..I am done if I hear the W goes because he did this to me last year. So he then says I am making him chose his kids or me. It is all I ever hear. Yet I have changed my entire life for this man. I am getting older and tired of even the messed up relationship. I have grown so numb to even loving him because he reminds me of comfort food. He is just there at times... not them all..and I am to scared to move on because all I have is my career to run too. It does change right? When the time comes... Sure, if you stop it. Otherwise you're just letting him know that it's ok for him to keep treating you poorly with no consequences. Right now he has you and he has his family..why would he give that up? He's happy as a clam. What's wrong with diving into your career for a while as you heal from your break up and then going back to the dating scene? As you said, you're getting older..it's not going to get any easier. Why do you want to be with a man who treats you like that anyway? You already know he's a liar and a cheater. Don't you think you deserve more than this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 It is unfortunate you are going through this, only you can make a choice here for yourself. Also why MM moves out his house if he does not intend to D? Was his wife asking him to leave? He for the first couple of years. Moved out on his own and was really making effort in trying to go forward. Now that all this time has passed. It's like he just stopped. He knows I'd like our own family on the future. I am young but not so young as I use to be. He always says he feels like he is hurting his kids if he goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 The cycle stops when you stop it. He's not divorcing and that means he's waiting for his wife to make the next move. There's probably consistent talks about making it work. How old are you? Your only chance with or without being with him is to let him go until divorced for a while. If he had a plan with you, it would be different. You'll just become the exit affair and be tossed aside if you stay and he divorces or you'll get him by default because he doesn't feel like finding somebody new and he'll dump all the problems on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 I'm sure he's perfectly capable of vacationing with his children without the W present, if he's separated from her. It is apparent he doesn't *want* to vacation separate from her. It's not a matter of being a choice between his kids or you, but it is a matter of being with his wife or you. It won't change unless you initiate it. The cycle doesn't stop by itself. I'm so sorry you're hurting. Stand up for yourself, mama. You're the only one who can do this for you. Thanks for the reply! He originally was invited by another family if him and the kids could go. Well she was later invited. So she purposely won't let him go on vacations alone with the kids because she feels left out. But now I realize its no excuse. I dont want to punish their kids but I already put up with being left out of so much. As much as I express i would love to eventuallyget to know them too. I am really not a selfless person. But i do throw myself to the ground on my own feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 The cycle stops when you stop it. He's not divorcing and that means he's waiting for his wife to make the next move. There's probably consistent talks about making it work. How old are you? Your only chance with or without being with him is to let him go until divorced for a while. If he had a plan with you, it would be different. You'll just become the exit affair and be tossed aside if you stay and he divorces or you'll get him by default because he doesn't feel like finding somebody new and he'll dump all the problems on you. Yea I think he is waiting for her. He is a coward at that. Well I am in my upper 20's more so close to 30. If that gives you an idea. I am an old divorcee myself that kind of spoiled my thought of relationships. You have a good point. I could see myself trying to carry a load bigger then myself. I just want to be able to walk away and not feel. I am almost getting there. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Well late 20's time to time to find your future husband and father of your children. This man is not it. He doesn't want a future with you. He's living his life, separated for now but i bet he'll move back by the end of the yeqr. Go NC now before the vacation and go read bagaggereclaim.com. Best of determination to you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Yea I think he is waiting for her. He is a coward at that. Well I am in my upper 20's more so close to 30. If that gives you an idea. I am an old divorcee myself that kind of spoiled my thought of relationships. You have a good point. I could see myself trying to carry a load bigger then myself. I just want to be able to walk away and not feel. I am almost getting there. Hate to say it, but chances are if you end it with him, he'll just run back home and beg his wife to take him back. He doesn't seem to wanna 'fight' for you, he's content as things are now. Actions speak louder than words, if he truly wanted to be with you full time, he'd divorce his wife. using the kids as an excuse is a shield for him..An easy out. If they are really living separately now, not together as as family unit why not just divorce? People divorce all the time and adjust with the help of family counseling. Anyway, if you want your own family I say end it now. You're wasting precious time on someone who may not want to start over, have more kids and build a new life with someone else (aka you). Have you even met his children? How old are they? Does his wife know about you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 This is what you get when you involve yourself with a man that is not available, especially when children are involved. The hook; typically they play up the misery, play the victim to make you think you are going to rescue them with you love. The line; they make promises, but drag their heels. And the sinker; they don't leave their SO. Even if they do, they run back. You have risked too much for this guy, and you are now getting less that what you started with. The only reason he pulls you back in is because you are his escape. He's a frickin coward, and TBH why would you even want to start a family a with sorry of an excuse for a man. You investment hasn't paid off....time to have some self worth and get out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 To add, YOU DESERVE BETTER. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 Well late 20's time to time to find your future husband and father of your children. This man is not it. He doesn't want a future with you. He's living his life, separated for now but i bet he'll move back by the end of the yeqr. Go NC now before the vacation and go read bagaggereclaim.com. Best of determination to you. I know and I keep telling myself this and I am so hardheaded it doesn't stick. I keep wanting to believe it but man it has been a long time. He has lived separate for 3 years now but not making much more effort from that. Thanks I will check out the website! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 Hate to say it, but chances are if you end it with him, he'll just run back home and beg his wife to take him back. He doesn't seem to wanna 'fight' for you, he's content as things are now. Actions speak louder than words, if he truly wanted to be with you full time, he'd divorce his wife. using the kids as an excuse is a shield for him..An easy out. If they are really living separately now, not together as as family unit why not just divorce? People divorce all the time and adjust with the help of family counseling. Anyway, if you want your own family I say end it now. You're wasting precious time on someone who may not want to start over, have more kids and build a new life with someone else (aka you). Have you even met his children? How old are they? Does his wife know about you? Yea you're right. They are just keeping the children sheltered from it. They know daddy doesn't live at home. But that's it. They still support them like they should on events as far as school and sports. I know I am ready to move on. I need to really utilize NC. I have tried it and despite failed because he always comes to where I am. We use to work in the same field but not anymore for a while now. So it is easier to keep distancing. I have met his kids at least twice in the past few years. They are 9 and 7. His wife had does know about me in fact she ended up getting her own boyfriend. But for some reason they won't call it quits. It was a long term marriage. I am sure dividing money and kids being affected counts. But heck it's been so long. I do feel that he is trying to get her to go through with it first it seems. I dunno in January he told me he was starting the D. I haven't heard nothing since. I suspect another lie to keep me around. I do deserve better. I just hate to keep going back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Here we go 6 years of me being the OW. All that has changed. MM moved out the house to his own place has his kids parttime. STILL no D...keeps saying his kids will be devastated...Yet we are just drifting apart...all we do is hang out here and there..no trips like we use too..not much affection. I just keep myself wrapped up in my own career and just live for the days. I have tried to leave this multiple times but let him back everytime. I have confided in him as someone I told everything too. So I get so weak to cut it off. Yet once again he pops up how a yearly family vacation will take place. I snapped. I said thats it..I am done if I hear the W goes because he did this to me last year. So he then says I am making him chose his kids or me. It is all I ever hear. Yet I have changed my entire life for this man. I am getting older and tired of even the messed up relationship. I have grown so numb to even loving him because he reminds me of comfort food. He is just there at times... not them all..and I am to scared to move on because all I have is my career to run too. It does change right? When the time comes... It ONLY changes when you change it! He's vacationing with her? He's not intending to divorce. Dump him and don't look back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 This is what you get when you involve yourself with a man that is not available, especially when children are involved. The hook; typically they play up the misery, play the victim to make you think you are going to rescue them with you love. The line; they make promises, but drag their heels. And the sinker; they don't leave their SO. Even if they do, they run back. You have risked too much for this guy, and you are now getting less that what you started with. The only reason he pulls you back in is because you are his escape. He's a frickin coward, and TBH why would you even want to start a family a with sorry of an excuse for a man. You investment hasn't paid off....time to have some self worth and get out. Thanks I do deserve better! And trust me I didn't want this at first. It was my first and his first. and I promise my last. I got out of my own bad marriage and fell into him it was a terrible rebound so to speak. I felt he had me emotionally. Only to be dragged on. I just so want to yell at him. When I do he makes up excuses that he is a failure and yet acts like he does things for me. Which maybe he does but he is not here we aren't really together plain and simple. I am the outsider. This final vacation with them will be my final blow after he did this last year. I just steadily been backing out..less texting..keeping busy. Because I am mentally preparing. Thanks for the support. I just need to keep coming here once I do it. If I go antisocial that's what lets me take him back. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Since he invited her on vacation - that indicates they are still having sex. When a man vacations - normally sex is part if the plan for the time away - it's interesting that he chose her. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Thanks I do deserve better! And trust me I didn't want this at first. It was my first and his first. and I promise my last. I got out of my own bad marriage and fell into him it was a terrible rebound so to speak. I felt he had me emotionally. Only to be dragged on. I just so want to yell at him. When I do he makes up excuses that he is a failure and yet acts like he does things for me. Which maybe he does but he is not here we aren't really together plain and simple. I am the outsider. This final vacation with them will be my final blow after he did this last year. I just steadily been backing out..less texting..keeping busy. Because I am mentally preparing. Thanks for the support. I just need to keep coming here once I do it. If I go antisocial that's what lets me take him back. Be strong, you can do this! best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
EasternStandard Posted August 5, 2014 Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think the question you should ask yourself is if he does divorce her is he going to end up dating you or looking for something else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 I know the hard cold truth..he is just probably gonne stay how it is. He just drags this along because he is scared. I let him because I hope for whats not going to be there. Wish me luck NC is soon to come since he chose this trip once again that just stabs another hole in this ragid heart. Bleh. Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 Also he is already acting more attentive because he knows what im about to do. Just bs he has to suddenly act attentive so I can sit alone while he enjoys the world with his family. Over it.. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Also he is already acting more attentive because he knows what im about to do. Just bs he has to suddenly act attentive so I can sit alone while he enjoys the world with his family. Over it.. Your not over it, your just pissed because he picked her again, and will likely continue to do so. If you were done NC would start NOW, not "soon". Your life is passing you by while he is off living his. I know your in pain, I'm sorry for that. But after six years of this what do you honestly think will change? All the possible great guys you've missed out on while pouncing on the scraps he throws your way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I dont know the background or full story but...is it conceivable that these two are trying to coparent and are vacationing as a family not because the parents are working it out but because they want to take this trip to help the kids through a tough time and share expw m ses on a trip they can both share with the kids? I mean he did move out...it doesnt mean because he takes a trip doesnt mean they are sleeping together and holding hands...it means they are fuguring out how to be there for the kids. She will always be in his life as the kids mom. They might be friends and speak after divorce. Even if you and mm end up together...i think its best to allow some space and let him heal and process and navigate. He just broke up his family. He is going through a very emotional tome that he probably is trying to conceal. He DID leave her...which is more than 90% of mm on the board here. So right now he has alot to clear up and sort through and Id kinda hang back right now. Its gotta be brutal. I know it is for you too. Best wishes. Focus on you right now. It will work out as it should. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I dont know the background or full story but...is it conceivable that these two are trying to coparent and are vacationing as a family not because the parents are working it out but because they want to take this trip to help the kids through a tough time and share expw m ses on a trip they can both share with the kids? I mean he did move out...it doesnt mean because he takes a trip doesnt mean they are sleeping together and holding hands...it means they are fuguring out how to be there for the kids. She will always be in his life as the kids mom. They might be friends and speak after divorce. Even if you and mm end up together...i think its best to allow some space and let him heal and process and navigate. He just broke up his family. He is going through a very emotional tome that he probably is trying to conceal. He DID leave her...which is more than 90% of mm on the board here. So right now he has alot to clear up and sort through and Id kinda hang back right now. Its gotta be brutal. I know it is for you too. Best wishes. Focus on you right now. It will work out as it should. Did he move out? Or was he thrown out and trying to work his way back in? I think his actions speak volumes. I think it would be wise to trust what IS and you what one wants it to be. People can say anything, but you have to beiliev what they do. Link to post Share on other sites
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