Bumpin in My Trunk Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 The cycle stops when you get off the bike. This guy is a legend. Quoted Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I dont know the background or full story but...is it conceivable that these two are trying to coparent and are vacationing as a family not because the parents are working it out but because they want to take this trip to help the kids through a tough time and share expw m ses on a trip they can both share with the kids? I mean he did move out...it doesnt mean because he takes a trip doesnt mean they are sleeping together and holding hands...it means they are fuguring out how to be there for the kids. She will always be in his life as the kids mom. They might be friends and speak after divorce. Even if you and mm end up together...i think its best to allow some space and let him heal and process and navigate. He just broke up his family. He is going through a very emotional tome that he probably is trying to conceal. He DID leave her...which is more than 90% of mm on the board here. So right now he has alot to clear up and sort through and Id kinda hang back right now. Its gotta be brutal. I know it is for you too. Best wishes. Focus on you right now. It will work out as it should. I don't speak for every person, but there's no way I'd go on vacation with my kids' dad. I wouldn't do it now and haven't at any point after we split. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Your life is passing you by while he is off living his. This!!! You are in your late 20's? This is so painful to read. You are giving up the best years of your life to a married man who has made no effort to be with you. You will be SORRY in the future. You will want to give anything to have those years back but by then it will be too late and they will be gone. But you still have lots of years - please don't waste them. I wish I had mine back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 8, 2014 Author Share Posted August 8, 2014 Actually he didn't JUST break up the family he has been moved out for 3 years. He JUST has not gotten a divorce. I NEVER implied I wanted him to cut out his other life as in kids. Its just he keeps going on vacations once a year with her and them. Two he told me he was getting a divorce back in january after this 6yr A. I found out from him he only talked about it with her, they argued, never brought it up again. So he hasn't even started it. He has been stuck in seperation not even a legal one. Oh and BTW I said NC soon because I did it last night. He can't keep hurting me like this when he is making no effort. I may not be "over it" but I am over him doing me this way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 I think you did the right thing with NC. I'm all for him staying involved with his kids and being civil with his ex wife, but it seems like he is just endlessly stalling and won't make the move to actually divorce and take the next step with you. And the only thing that might make him wise up is realizing that you aren't going to take this anymore or wait forever. You are so young, but if you want children, you need to find someone to have them with. You have time but you can't waste it all on him. I had my first child at 36, btw, so it's not like you have to panic and just go looking for a donor LOL, but you should be looking NOW so that you have time to find the love of your life who will also be the father of your children. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 Grrrr....so Ive been on NC for going on week 2. Since MM of 5 years decided to crush me again by taking his W and kids on another week long vacation. Since he has came back he goes into loaner mode. Blows my phone up..texts out the yang..maybe drives by my house. That is how he works. All the sorry's...miss you...love yous...i just delete or block it. Finally got annoyed...I happen to come across his W...fb..and there is family vacation pictures. It blew me thru the roof. I know I shouldnt look but I need the extra ammo to help.... I am done. It feel different this time. He blew me up all day. I sent a simple email to tell him to stop it. He is not what I wanted. Go back to his family. LEAVE ME ALONE. ..I don't feel its breaking NC in my book because I want him to stop it. Stop acting like itll pick up where it left off. I WILL show him. Venting....sorry...just want to move on. Did I mess up by telling him that? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Sounds as if you are giving him your power by telling him to leave you alone. When all you really need to do is to show him you're done. If you're tired of him putting you last on your list, the simple thing to do is to not let him know it's affecting you. And seriously who would want to be last on a list? If you're not made a priority in his life, then where do you stand? If he's out on week long vacations with his family, ignoring you, hurting you, how can this be love? Who's the one benefiting from it all? I know this was just a vent from you but it also should be an eye opener. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Yeah why not, blare it all out to whoever you will, that you are now in NC and out of the affair! Kudos for keeping it on for two weeks already, that certainly took a lot of strength and self control. So stand in front of a mirror and congratulate that woman you see for her progress so far, and encourage her for more. Of course you can lecture her too for some of the mistakes. (Pray no one is around, wondering what is going on with you). Five years is really too long a wait, too much of a chance, you deserve a right, honored, more fulfilling and respectful relationship and affections. He stalled, so he should be out, don't join this deception on his wife or allow this unfairness on you anymore, think of your values, worth, and respect. You don't have to feel bad about sending the email, we know, you know, it wasn't a perfume laced type. It's a rejection of him, a way of protecting yourself from his reaching out antics. Maybe someday you would feel indifferent about his act (that would be great), but now it still annoys you, and hurts you. So do what you have to do. He should understands your message, and be embarrass about it as well, and back off. Should he continue with it, then it will be clear to us, he is the type that put his satisfaction first and disregard others. Perhaps, you also should be more careful and avoid finding anything about him, especially if it is unnecessary and potentially hurtful to do so. Venting is good, it lets off the negative emotions building up in you, while at the same time opening some space for new perspectives and ideas. Find something that you can regularly do as a vent-off. Keep on progressing and be patient when going through the roughs. You will eventually reach the destination of the path you choose to travel. Believe in yourself! Phew...pardon me for the word-rattling, that happens when the caffeine does my talking. Hope you get some of the positive vibes anyway. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justmebev1 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Do whatever you have to do! I know how you feel, I'm going on almost a month N/C or I should say very lil cold N/C's. Listen to the people here they are right and have great advice. It's the hardest thing in the world to have to go through but the only way to get over it. The more contact, the more you stay in the loop. I will always stand by the saying, "If you love someone set them free, If they come back there yours, If they don't they never were." So true. I'm learning I have no control of him or this situation if he wants me he knows where to find me. I pray to God every night please give me the strength to move on. Good Luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Thank you friends so much! As I look back I was so angry when I wrote that. I dont regret it. It was almost like training a dog with reinforcement of the same actions. Haha and no perfume laced letter included. Called it out..left it simple..reinforced to leave me alone. Then I deleted over again. Course his restricted calls got blocked and I saw my texts flood which an app deletes them promptly. I didnt say nothing more. I am learning from his actions. And maybe those photos did me a favor. I did well the week before he left telling him. If he went I wasnt going to deal with it again. Because he did it to me last year. I warned him Id be done..I followed through the day before he left by getting my key back..giving his stuff back and said leave me be...he didnt believe me when he came back. So i just kinda snapped and ignored it again. I dont miss it for once. Hurt has taken over. Ill be back for support..meanwhile thank you all again! Edited August 18, 2014 by Back2WhatUKnow spelling errors 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 OP, I did a lot of yelling during NC, back when I was an OM, generally out on the open road taking my frustrations out on a bicycle. My advice: Erase his contact information, change yours (easy to do!) and post your yelling up here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex 2 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Im sorry to sound hurtful, I have been in your shoes but I feel like why is it crushing for an mm to take his wife and kids on vacation? Should the whole family lose out due to the A? I feel like its something every A partner needs to deeply consider...he loves his family. Its probably the only thing he's done right truthfully is give them the vacation they deserve. That is separate from you. Your feelings cant matter in that regard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Yep. Thats what I was thinking. OP, why are you mad that he is taking a vacation with his family? You are an OW, you have accepted that position...why would you want to take that experience from his children? Do you think he should place you above his children? Seems unreasonable to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 OP, I did a lot of yelling during NC, back when I was an OM, generally out on the open road taking my frustrations out on a bicycle. My advice: Erase his contact information, change yours (easy to do!) and post your yelling up here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex Thanks for showing me that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 Yep. Thats what I was thinking. OP, why are you mad that he is taking a vacation with his family? You are an OW, you have accepted that position...why would you want to take that experience from his children? Do you think he should place you above his children? Seems unreasonable to me. And also "herself" Hold the horses for one minute. It was a simple vent. I have already explained my story in countless of posts. That it just is repetitive telling the story again when I simply was venting. If you ever read my posts. I do not want to punish the children. I dont like the affair. He is out of his home. There is just more factors then what you think it is. I am talking about someone who talked about starting a life with me but never really has 5yrs later. I never said to put me above anyones kids. So lets not assume. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 22, 2014 Share Posted August 22, 2014 Affairs rarely survive real life. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 So my story is here but 5yrs of an A with MM. He decided to go on another family trip that turned into the end for me. I started NC have been strong..warned him once with no return conversation to leave me alone when he came on strong with restricted calls. Suddenly I get a picture of an actual D court paper. Basically he is starting it. I can't believe what I seen. He has stalled for so long that it took me to full on NC for 2.5weeks...and now he is actually doing it. Weirdly I have been busy and just tired of the old A. That I am learning to just move on...yet a bomb like this..I dunno. Defenitely nothing will be started until I see final papers and the right mentality from him if it happens. But I am just shocked? ..wow..I am kinda mad after all of this..he sparked it...it took me to go NC..yet I am not gonna slide back in either there is more then this D to work on that is if it happens. This ever happen to anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 We're those papers even filed with the court? Has she been served? And you do understand that he could potentially leave it that way forever? Until the D is final - he's still married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Yes, that happened to me multiple times...each time I went NC or started dating someone else. The papers were never completed or signed and he's till with the W. Last time I heard from him, he was still "trying" to get out of his "situation", portraying himself as a victim, who is there for "the kids" who are now full grown, legal adults. Until the divorce papers are signed by both parties and a lawyer, he's still married and full of BS 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Pretty easy to follow the case summary at the courthouse, if you don't consider that a breach of NC. At our courthouse, you simply type the name of the petitioner or respondent into their web site and it produces the case number and relevant actions on the case, like documents filed, motions made to the court, court responses, documents refused, etc, etc. The clerk of the court can likely direct in-person searches if not available online. IMO, there's no reason to break NC to deal with pictures of divorce papers. Change phone and e-mail and erase contact information and move on. Divorce lawsuits are very public so information will be easy to find if one is going on. When you see the entry 'marriage ends on xxx' (date), well there's your sign. BTDT, from both sides of the fence, as a fOM and fMM. It's really straightforward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 I didn't go running back trust me. I stayed NC but a little shocked to say the least. That is why I came here. To hear the real truth of what it might be. I have been through a divorce myself so many years ago now and it was easy no kids..no assets and I didnt even go to court. So I know itll be different with him and children and the longterm he has had. It was only part of a paper...it said In re marriage..his name..part of the case number. So I know at anytime that little paper can be thrown out. But for him to do that piece shocks me after all this. Thanks for the input! Ill keep updating more so on the NC world! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 We're those papers even filed with the court? Has she been served? And you do understand that he could potentially leave it that way forever? Until the D is final - he's still married. No idea about it being filed. I didnt break NC to ask. I just saw a piece of it in his picture then I deleted it. I know its not over nor does it mean itll go through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Back2WhatUKnow Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Yes, that happened to me multiple times...each time I went NC or started dating someone else. The papers were never completed or signed and he's till with the W. Last time I heard from him, he was still "trying" to get out of his "situation", portraying himself as a victim, who is there for "the kids" who are now full grown, legal adults. Until the divorce papers are signed by both parties and a lawyer, he's still married and full of BS Good to know. I just dont remember the process myself. I found it suspect it was part of a paper. I am sure something could be missing or anytime they can go back. How did you end up if I may ask? Thank u Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Tell him to call you when he is officially divorced and then you'll consider dating him in a proper way, once he's had some time to cope with all the changes. He's gonna have his kids to face and all the adjustments, figure out child support and possibly spousal support too, and other financial issues between him and his wife, the house etc..etc.. You do not want to continue being his OW, so stay out of his life completely until he is free and available/single. Anything short of that just makes you enable him to prolong a possible D and also maybe give you many excuses as to why it's not happening. I'd be weary right now, just because you saw papers doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean his wife knows. For all you know he could be lying to you about it and not shown her at all, just so you can still be in his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 I dont have any advice....but just wanted to praise you on staying strong and not breaking the NC. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
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