Girlfriend was planning to go to university, but now probably not

[mikethemechanic]

Well... From what I've read from your newsy posts I've concluded the following. You don't require her to invest in the said r-r-relationship, secondly you're much too available and lastly you deliciously reward her bad behaviour by being a good ear, she's here, she's there, she's anywhere that the wind blows except: if it bi-passes through you. Perhaps an appropriate title for your relationship is wind in the willows instead of wind in the pillows. You are the good boy that mothers want their daughters to marry.

[cm00]

Well... From what I've read from your newsy posts I've concluded the following. You don't require her to invest in the said r-r-relationship, secondly you're much too available and lastly you deliciously reward her bad behaviour by being a good ear, she's here, she's there, she's anywhere that the wind blows except: if it bi-passes through you. Perhaps an appropriate title for your relationship is wind in the willows instead of wind in the pillows. You are the good boy that mothers want their daughters to marry.

 

Of course she has to invest in the relationship. She has been, she invested a lot. The only thing now that could make or break it depends on her, if she is adult enough to decide for herself to come back, or stay by her mothers side forever. Her mother has no life of her own. She wants them to be all be one big happy family forever (except her daughter is not happy, but it seems the mother only cares about her own happiness).

 

I've already decided and I've told her in the past and I told her again recently, if she doesn't come back, the relationship is over. And I am not moving to her poor country to be closer to her while she is in university and still under the control of her mother. If she doesn't get the flight back, I will end the relationship.

[mikethemechanic]

Of course she has to invest in the relationship. She has been, she invested a lot. The only thing now that could make or break it depends on her, if she is adult enough to decide for herself to come back, or stay by her mothers side forever. Her mother has no life of her own. She wants them to be all be one big happy family forever (except her daughter is not happy, but it seems the mother only cares about her own happiness).

 

I've already decided and I've told her in the past and I told her again recently, if she doesn't come back, the relationship is over. And I am not moving to her poor country to be closer to her while she is in university and still under the control of her mother. If she doesn't get the flight back, I will end the relationship.

Well... The thought that might be passing through her brain is that you are not pretentious enough. For a women that thought of being someone's everything is intoxicating stuff. Because these men are charming, and there's something about a man who scares and manipulates a girl which in turn leads to fabulous sex.

 

Plus the idea that she can change him of his controlling ways - in short you're not controlling enough.

[cm00]

Well... The thought that might be passing through her brain is that you are not pretentious enough. For a women that thought of being someone's everything is intoxicating stuff. Because these men are charming, and there's something about a man who scares and manipulates a girl which in turn leads to fabulous sex.

 

Plus the idea that she can change him of his controlling ways - in short you're not controlling enough.

 

You make a lot of assumptions about the kind of man I am and the kind of relationship we have. I don't know why you feel the need to post this stuff.

 

Although she is very easily manipulated, I don't need to manipulate her. She is completely in love with me. She told me even if she got pregnant, although she doesn't want a baby yet, she wouldn't feel worried about it.

 

As for fabulous sex, she is crazy for sex with me, all the time. She wants a lot of it.

 

She has even said that if she has to stay home because her mum somehow forces her, she will not allow herself to be with any other man. Although when she says this I wonder if it seems to say this is a bit childish, she seems to genuinely mean it and feel this way.

 

I think she'll come back anyway, pregnant or not. It helps that her two closest friends are in similar situations to her and they did what they wanted to do and are happy they did. One of them came to England to live with her boyfriend, the other went to university but dropped out a month or two in, and went to live with her boyfriend instead. When she is back from her holiday and turns to them for advice, I know they will encourage her to do what she wants. I know there are many friends who support her.

 

As for not being controlling enough, what exactly was the point of saying this? What do you expect me to say in response? What can I say in response? Start to brag about how I actually do control her, or perhaps say something along the lines of I control her just the right amount? What normal thinking person is honestly going to respond to what you have said and say well "you're wrong, I am controlling enough". I'm not going to attempt to or agree or disagree with your opinion on this. I'll just say this, this girl is probably going to leave her family and country to be with me. Her intent to do it is clear as she spent 150 euros to book the plain ticket already and she can't get that money back. She is obviously very much in love with me. I am doing fine.

Edited August 23, 2014 by cm00

[justwhoiam]

You're so quiet not knowing if she's pregnant or not?

 

A blood test would tell you if she is right away, no need to wait until September. I don't get it.

[TMichaels]

My girlfriend told me there is an option for us to be together, in Slovakia, her parents want us to stay together, apparently, and would be happy if I moved to Slovakia.

 

Sorry, but I don't believe her parents want you two to stay together and live in Slovakia.

 

There's no option for me to live in Slovakia, I couldn't get a decent job there, If I was lucky, I'd get a minimum wage job, £2 per hour. 4 times less than in England. My girlfriend is at university most of the time and I would have moved to a very poor life, to see her barely at all.

 

Exactly. And you don't think her parents realize this? Nice passive-aggressive move on their part to suggest it -- knowing full well it would be an impossibility.

 

I've already decided and I've told her in the past and I told her again recently, if she doesn't come back, the relationship is over. And I am not moving to her poor country to be closer to her while she is in university and still under the control of her mother. If she doesn't get the flight back, I will end the relationship.

 

Ultimatums are never a good thing in a relationship, but in this case I hope you aren't just blowing smoke and are serious about sticking to your guns about ending things if your g/f doesn't return to the UK as planned.

 

Quite honestly, I find the timing of your g/f's pregnancy scare a bit too "convenient." And, I'm sorry, I just don't buy all this crap about her mother have such power over her and the rest of the family.

 

What person in their right mind would put up with such abuse? Especially one that is a legal adult, has already "left the nest once" and (supposedly) has an interest in bettering herself through additional education and a higher standard of living.

 

Nope. Sorry. Something's not right here. And, I have a feeling before all is said and done the "drama factor" is going to continue to increase and the pressure for *you* to acquiesce will be intense.

 

Instead of wasting any more time trying to psychoanalyze your g/f OR her mother, I think you need to examine what *you* are doing and why by continuing to be involved in this soap opera.

 

Don't give me the "because I love her" excuse. There's something else going on here and you need to get to the bottom of that.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[mikethemechanic]

You make a lot of assumptions about the kind of man I am and the kind of relationship we have. I don't know why you feel the need to post this stuff.

 

Although she is very easily manipulated, I don't need to manipulate her. She is completely in love with me. She told me even if she got pregnant, although she doesn't want a baby yet, she wouldn't feel worried about it.

 

As for fabulous sex, she is crazy for sex with me, all the time. She wants a lot of it.

 

She has even said that if she has to stay home because her mum somehow forces her, she will not allow herself to be with any other man. Although when she says this I wonder if it seems to say this is a bit childish, she seems to genuinely mean it and feel this way.

 

I think she'll come back anyway, pregnant or not. It helps that her two closest friends are in similar situations to her and they did what they wanted to do and are happy they did. One of them came to England to live with her boyfriend, the other went to university but dropped out a month or two in, and went to live with her boyfriend instead. When she is back from her holiday and turns to them for advice, I know they will encourage her to do what she wants. I know there are many friends who support her.

 

As for not being controlling enough, what exactly was the point of saying this? What do you expect me to say in response? What can I say in response? Start to brag about how I actually do control her, or perhaps say something along the lines of I control her just the right amount? What normal thinking person is honestly going to respond to what you have said and say well "you're wrong, I am controlling enough". I'm not going to attempt to or agree or disagree with your opinion on this. I'll just say this, this girl is probably going to leave her family and country to be with me. Her intent to do it is clear as she spent 150 euros to book the plain ticket already and she can't get that money back. She is obviously very much in love with me. I am doing fine.

Most naughty boys would brazenly go down to her home and bring her home. There's nothing more appealing than a man who is willing to fight for his dream girl. A sexy beast should not be wary of his future mother in-law!

 

Why not go down there now bumping up the date for departure with the two of you returning together? What's the worst case scenario that could happen? Marriage, the two of you living together happily ever after.

 

My dear fellow if I have questions, one can only imagine what she is thinking. A puff would go to church and pray as well as read the Bible hoping for her return to him. A normal fellow would stay in touch via fax,phone, email etc.

 

A naughty boy well... He'd go done there to fetch her!

[cm00]

Sorry, but I don't believe her parents want you two to stay together and live in Slovakia.

 

 

 

Exactly. And you don't think her parents realize this? Nice passive-aggressive move on their part to suggest it -- knowing full well it would be an impossibility.

 

 

 

Ultimatums are never a good thing in a relationship, but in this case I hope you aren't just blowing smoke and are serious about sticking to your guns about ending things if your g/f doesn't return to the UK as planned.

 

Quite honestly, I find the timing of your g/f's pregnancy scare a bit too "convenient." And, I'm sorry, I just don't buy all this crap about her mother have such power over her and the rest of the family.

 

What person in their right mind would put up with such abuse? Especially one that is a legal adult, has already "left the nest once" and (supposedly) has an interest in bettering herself through additional education and a higher standard of living.

 

Nope. Sorry. Something's not right here. And, I have a feeling before all is said and done the "drama factor" is going to continue to increase and the pressure for *you* to acquiesce will be intense.

 

Instead of wasting any more time trying to psychoanalyze your g/f OR her mother, I think you need to examine what *you* are doing and why by continuing to be involved in this soap opera.

 

Don't give me the "because I love her" excuse. There's something else going on here and you need to get to the bottom of that.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I already know that her parents are fully aware that there is no option for me to come to Slovakia to live. They suggested it knowing it will never happen, so it's like you said.

 

I think nothing dodgy is going on here. We talked about it for many months before she was due to go home, I had to try and make her see that her mum doesn't control her and she is an adult and it's her life. She is genuinely afraid to stand up to her mother. She booked and paid for the flight ticket back to England, and paid for added luggage, it wasn't cheap, she did it right in front of me, so I know her intent is to come back and this isn't all some game.

 

She didn't come to me and say she might be pregnant, I am just aware of the fact that she has missed an entire period because we were together when she missed it. Considering we were having unprotected sex and she is not on contraception it is possible. She took emergency contraception this time because I didn't pull out because her period was due to in a day, but her period never came at all. It's only a week or so until the next period will be due, I'll just wait and see what happens. As I said, she has told me a few days ago that she is very stressed and sick because of all of this, she said especially in the morning, I had to vomit. She hasn't mentioned pregnancy at all, I am not sure if she even realises she could be pregnant.

 

I am sticking to what I said about ending the relationship if she doesn't come back. She actually promised me she would come back before she left. Now instead she is causing me a lot of stress by suddenly telling me she can't come back. Her flight is booked for 10th september, if it looks like she isn't going to get the flight, I will end the relationship. I have spoken to some of her friends from her work place about it, I have been told that slovakian parents have a had time letting go. This paticular friend of hers is scottish and he had the same problem with his slovakian girlfriend, they are together now though. He thinks she will come back.

 

I've heard her and the mother talking on Skype, her mum constantly tries to make her feel guilty for being away and the manipulation going on is not always so subtle. Sometimes it's full blown in your face manipulation and my girlfriend doesn't really see it, she just comes to me telling me she feels bad because of something her mum says and then goes on to say how she is starting to dread talking with her mother because she always makes her feel guilty. Her mother never even thinks to talk to her about what my girlfriend wants to do, it's always the mothers plans that she talks about, plans that she knows will not be compatiable with our relationship, and I am sure she is aware of that fact but she just doesn't care about how her daughter feels.

Edited August 24, 2014 by cm00

[TAV]

Well... The thought that might be passing through her brain is that you are not pretentious enough. For a women that thought of being someone's everything is intoxicating stuff. Because these men are charming, and there's something about a man who scares and manipulates a girl which in turn leads to fabulous sex.

 

Plus the idea that she can change him of his controlling ways - in short you're not controlling enough.

 

What????!!!????:eek::eek:

[cm00]

I think it can all be summed up to this: My girlfriend is a bit nieve, she wants the approval of her mother as it is always been like this, the mother is taking full advantage of this. The mother can get very nasty when she doesn't get her way. Personally I would tell her it's my life now **** off but my girlfriend seems so scared too stand up to anyone, especially the mother.

 

I've seen it myself, if my girlfriend does something, even a minor thing, and it looks like I don't approve, she will suddenly say in a quiet, passive voice "Are you angry?" "You're not angry are you"? I feel so bad for her, she is like a mouse, she cannot stand up for herself.

 

We have never had an argument in our year long relationship. That must be some kind of record. But that's how it would be, since she will avoid any confrontation at all costs. There has been once or twice she has gotten me a bit angry and as soon she realises I am angry, she starts sobbing and saying how sorry she is. She will say sorry ten times or twenty times in a row. "I am sorry, please i am so sorry" please don't be angry i am sorry."

When this happens, I feel bad for her, something inside is telling me this is not right.

 

I already wrote about the times she broke down into tears and told me things her mum had done in the past and she is obviously traumatised by it. That's probably why she is the way she is. She behaves like someone who has posttraumatic stress disorder, she gets into high states of fear over things that I can see are no reason to panic about.

Edited August 24, 2014 by cm00

[TAV]

I think enough has been said about the fact if she will come back or not. In general she should be honest about her feelings. Since she does not like confrontation I do wonder if she waited to be away from you to tell you that she really does not feel she can stand up to her mom and/or leave her country permanently.

 

In any case her fear or confrontation is something that will become a problem in the long run; you cannot go through life living like that. If she comes back I hope you are ready to deal with that. Never arguing may seem like the perfect relationship but it is not natural or normal, no matter how convenient it may be at the moment.

 

The fear of confrontation, of course, has a lot to do with her relationship with her mom. It has been a coping mechanism to survive with that woman all those years. And apparently she is applying that mechanism also in your relationship (which does not mean you are a bully or controlling or anything else, it really has nothing to do with you). If you want to have a healthy relationship you need to encourage her to speak her mind and do that often. Even encourage her to get counseling.

 

I also have a difficult relationship with my mum, mentally abusive I'd say. It is something that can colour your life a long time after you left home. I'm in my 40s now and it took me till a few years ago to really break free from her. This is another thing you have to take into account should your gf come back to you. This is not the last time you will deal with this issue and you have to ask yourself if you are prepared for that.

 

I know you talk the talk but I can also read between the lines and can tell that her staying in Eastern Europe and giving up on you will be very hard to swallow. There is nothing wrong with that; you love this girl with all your heart and have built your future and dreams around her. Nothing wrong with being scared to lose that.

 

Do whatever you can to make this easier on yourself.

[cm00]

Yeah I have been doing that actually, encouraging her to speak her mind and to stand up for herself. I noticed this very soon after meeting her and have been encouraging it and it definitely had an immediate good effect. It's just when she does something that actually does make me angry, she can see it, that's when she folds completely.

 

If she does indeed have posttraumatic stress disorder, that actually changes the biology of the brain, and the area for fear is larger than in normal people. From what I have read, this is what happens to growing children who are traumatized. I've no idea if that can be fixed.

[TAV]

So are you ready to take all that on board?? I know you are in the mindset now of winning her back/winning her over, but is this really what you want for yourself?

 

Nobody is perfect and we all have baggage but do you see yourself handling her and her issues?

[cm00]

So are you ready to take all that on board?? I know you are in the mindset now of winning her back/winning her over, but is this really what you want for yourself?

 

Nobody is perfect and we all have baggage but do you see yourself handling her and her issues?

 

If she can get over the hurdle that is her mother, I think everyone will be okay. Once she is back here with me, the mother will not be able to control her. She is a very good girlfriend in many ways, this is the only issue really.

[cm00]

I've been reading about morning sickness

 

"For most women, the symptoms of nausea and vomiting usually begin before they’re nine weeks pregnant, around six weeks after their last period"

 

Her last period was July 1st

 

She missed her August 1st period

 

About august 20th she told me she feels sick, especially in the morning, she has to vomit. It's about 6 weeks since her last period.

 

We had lots of unprotected sex, she missed her period, and now 6 weeks on, she is sick and vomitting.

 

If she's pregnant I am okay with that, and I know she will be too.

Edited August 24, 2014 by cm00

[TAV]

Really, this is 2014, get out of your foggy mind and let her get a pregnancy test.

 

She needs to start taking folic acid, mind her diet and schedule an appointment with her midwife/gynacologist. This is not a game. I won't even mention the paternity thing; you are a UK citizen, what rights do you have over there?

 

And having unprotected sex with her makes me wonder if you even care about her education/future or that you just want to bind her to you no matter what. Don't be surprised if she is indeed pregnant that she resents you in future for 'stealing' her ambitions.

[TMichaels]

Once she is back here with me, the mother will not be able to control her.

 

Right. Then you'll be able to take over that role.

 

She is a very good girlfriend in many ways, this is the only issue really.

 

I really wonder if this girl would be half as attractive to you if she had a mind of her own.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[cm00]

Really, this is 2014, get out of your foggy mind and let her get a pregnancy test.

 

She needs to start taking folic acid, mind her diet and schedule an appointment with her midwife/gynacologist. This is not a game. I won't even mention the paternity thing; you are a UK citizen, what rights do you have over there?

 

And having unprotected sex with her makes me wonder if you even care about her education/future or that you just want to bind her to you no matter what. Don't be surprised if she is indeed pregnant that she resents you in future for 'stealing' her ambitions.

 

"Let her get a pregnancy test" ? I have almost no contact with her, she is on holiday with no phone and rare internet access. I can do nothing until she comes back, on september 2nd. I am not going to drop the news that she might be pregnant while she is stuck on holiday with her mother. Once she is home is the time to do it. She might not even get my message.

 

We use the pullout method, so I don't finish inside her. She used it with her last boyfriend before me, for a year, never got pregnant. We've been using it for ages, no pregnancy so far. I understand that it's not 100% though, a pregnancy can occur.

 

She refuses to take any kind of birth control. That morning after pill she took I had to really convince her to take it because she wasn't going to do it. Her period was about to start and I didn't pull out. Although at this time in the cycle pregnancy is unlikely it can happen, I convinced her to take the morning after pill just in case.

 

What I think has most likely happened though is she was probably already pregnant by about 2 weeks at that point. I wasn't trying to get her pregnant. We've both talked about this, we know the pullout method isn't 100%. She said if she does get pregnant, then it was just meant to be. You don't know the things she has been saying to me, I actually believe she would be happy is she is pregnant because she wants to be with me anyway and if she is pregnant she will be able to stay with me.

Edited August 24, 2014 by cm00

[TAV]

"Let her get a pregnancy test" ? I have almost no contact with her, she is on holiday with no phone and rare internet access. I can do nothing until she comes back, on september 2nd. I am not going to drop the news that she might be pregnant while she is stuck on holiday with her mother. Once she is home is the time to do it. She might not even get my message.

 

We use the pullout method, so I don't finish inside her. She used it with her last boyfriend before me, for a year, never got pregnant. We've been using it for ages, no pregnancy so far. I understand that it's not 100% though, a pregnancy can occur.

 

She refuses to take any kind of birth control. That morning after pill she took I had to really convince her to take it because she wasn't going to do it. Her period was about to start and I didn't pull out. Although at this time in the cycle pregnancy is unlikely it can happen, I convinced her to take the morning after pill just in case.

 

What I think has most likely happened though is she was probably already pregnant by about 2 weeks at that point. I wasn't trying to get her pregnant. We've both talked about this, we know the pullout method isn't 100%. She said if she does get pregnant, then it was just meant to be. You don't know the things she has been saying to me, I actually believe she would be happy is she is pregnant because she wants to be with me anyway and if she is pregnant she will be able to stay with me.

 

I hope at her age she is smart enough to figure out by herself she may be pregnant.

 

Re the last line; that is wrong in so many ways.

[TMichaels]

"Let her get a pregnancy test" ? I have almost no contact with her, she is on holiday with no phone and rare internet access. I can do nothing until she comes back, on september 2nd. I am not going to drop the news that she might be pregnant while she is stuck on holiday with her mother. Once she is home is the time to do it. She might not even get my message.

 

Excuse me. How dumb is this girl? If she has already missed one period, now is feeling nauseous in the mornings, and her period is still AWOL, do you honestly think she wouldn't be wondering whether she is pregnant? Why must YOU be the one to suggest that to her or get/take a pregnancy test to find out?

 

"We use the pullout method, so I don't finish inside her. She used it with her last boyfriend before me, for a year, never got pregnant. We've been using it for ages, no pregnancy so far. I understand that it's not 100% though, a pregnancy can occur.

 

<shaking head> Jesus. Dumb and Dumber. You two really *are* a good pair.

 

"She refuses to take any kind of birth control. That morning after pill she took I had to really convince her to take it because she wasn't going to do it. Her period was about to start and I didn't pull out. Although at this time in the cycle pregnancy is unlikely it can happen, I convinced her to take the morning after pill just in case.

 

Seriously, does this girl take any responsibility for her own life, actions, and thoughts? She sounds like a mindless muppet which you seem to find endearing.

 

"What I think has most likely happened though is she was probably already pregnant by about 2 weeks at that point. I wasn't trying to get her pregnant. We've both talked about this, we know the pullout method isn't 100%. She said if she does get pregnant, then it was just meant to be.

 

"Meant to be?" Right.

 

So, for the sake of argument, let's say she stays in Slovakia and SHE IS pregnant. Since you obviously have nothing else to do but ponder and postulate, if that's how things play out, what are you going to do then?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[cm00]

I hope at her age she is smart enough to figure out by herself she may be pregnant.

 

Re the last line; that is wrong in so many ways.

 

It is wrong yes but then it's wrong that her mother has traumatised her so much that she is unable to stand up for herself and do what she wants. Perhaps she feels if she became pregnant her mother would have to let her leave home.

[cm00]

Excuse me. How dumb is this girl? If she has already missed one period, now is feeling nauseous in the mornings, and her period is still AWOL, do you honestly think she wouldn't be wondering whether she is pregnant? Why must YOU be the one to suggest that to her or get/take a pregnancy test to find out?

 

 

 

<shaking head> Jesus. Dumb and Dumber. You two really *are* a good pair.

 

 

 

Seriously, does this girl take any responsibility for her own life, actions, and thoughts? She sounds like a mindless muppet which you seem to find endearing.

 

 

 

"Meant to be?" Right.

 

So, for the sake of argument, let's say she stays in Slovakia and SHE IS pregnant. Since you obviously have nothing else to do but ponder and postulate, if that's how things play out, what are you going to do then?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

She's not a muppet, she's just a bit nieve. I've had bad girlfriends in the past, who couldn't a **** about much of anything. This one is actually very caring and good natured. Just a bit nieve and she finds it hard to stand up for herself. I guess nobody is perfect.

 

Her flight back is 10th september. Her next period would be due around the 1st of september so she is obviously going to know if she is pregnant or not very soon. I will ask her when she is back anyway if she has had a period yet. If she is pregnant, she won't stay in Slovakia. I don't think she will stay there anyway even if she isn't pregnant.

Edited August 24, 2014 by cm00

[mikethemechanic]

She's not a muppet, she's just a bit nieve. I've had bad girlfriends in the past, who couldn't a **** about much of anything. This one is actually very caring and good natured. Just a bit nieve and she finds it hard to stand up for herself. I guess nobody is perfect.

 

Her flight back is 10th september. Her next period would be due around the 1st of september so she is obviously going to know if she is pregnant or not very soon. I will ask her when she is back anyway if she has had a period yet. If she is pregnant, she won't stay in Slovakia. I don't think she will stay there anyway even if she isn't pregnant.

 

Go down to Slovakia and fly back with her!

[cm00]

Go down to Slovakia and fly back with her!

 

Doesn't seem like a good idea. It will cost a fortune to get such a short notice flight there and back. What if I get there and she has revealed her plan to the mother and goes back on it? Not worth getting involved in. Who's to say she won't stick to the plan this time too?

 

There's also the accusations I would then be getting from her mother that I came and took her daughter away from her.

[cm00]

I know it seems crazy that she "wouldn't mind" if she became pregnant, but if she is traumatised by the mother and feels this would help her to come back to England, that could explain why she thinks this way. Her mother made her this way, it was never going to end well for the mother behaving the way she does. It can end well for my girlfriend though assuming that we live a happy live together. We're completely fine when the mother is not controlling her.

 

Her and I are already in a better and far more stable financial situation than her parents are and ever will be. I'm thinking of buying a second house in a few years and renting my current one out for an additional income. I'm also lucky enough to have very supportive parents who live just 5 minutes away.

Edited August 24, 2014 by cm00