VanessaVanessa Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Have been on complete no contact for about 8 months and the break up happened over 10 months ago. I have been seriously tempted for the past week or so to break no contact and I cannot distract myself especially because things keep triggering thinking of him. I am still real hurt about how everything ended and I guess a part of me just would like to get into contact to see if he has even given thought to what happened, if he realises how he let me down etc. It's just a horrible thing being this tempted again which I haven't been this intensely for a little while now. A part of me tells myself that maybe it is ok if I do break nc because a decent amount of time has passed for a discussion or whatever to happen and then another part of me thinks that if we do communicate again I may be pushed 10 steps back! One other thing is that I am also aware that I also shouldn't break it if it won't do him any purpose either. Is this a normal thing to happen after a period of successfully maintaining nc? Has this happened with anyone else and did you break or keep nc? What was the outcome? I feel so desperate at this moment and I feel some anger I don't even know why exactly. I have a birthday coming up soon this month too, I wonder if this is subconsciously giving me this feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 You will be eager to break those chains, but those chains have kept you away from confusions, tensions and restlessness. Link to post Share on other sites
Always Pondering Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Don't do it. Temptations go away and this one will too. This happens to just about everyone who isn't fully healed from their situation. I've been about 8 months NC as well and the break-up happened almost a year and a half ago. The longer I stick with NC, the less these temptations come to my mind. I don't even remember the last time I felt the desire to break NC. You shouldn't break it because you're still recovering and more than likely it'll set you back. Your contact could end up with you discovering news that breaks your heart or even no response at all (which will hurt you as you're expecting a response). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 You won't get the closure you want by breaking NC. You have to assume that he never figured out how much he hurt you. If he responds at all, the discussion will only serve to set back your recovery. Don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I think the fact that your birthday is approaching has a lot to do with why you are feeling so strongly about contacting him. Don't do it. You have done extremely well for 8 whole months. That's a huge inspiration to me and I'm sure to a lot of other people on this site too. Remember, if he wanted to reach out, he would and if he has considered anything you told him after the BU, he would definitely reach out. Fight the urge! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 The thing is he wrote me months back, about 2 months after the breakup in a letter where he apologised with words like "i failed...I can't sleep some nights...". In the previous month before that letter I had been watching what he was up to on social media through another account (since I had closed mine) and he kept posting up statuses and photos of something which he had told me in an email a week before was a mistake and that he never wanted it or would do it again. Also, he posted up one photo which completely broke me down where he was with a girl hugging (truly I don't know who or what she is/was to him) but by comments I saw they made some flirty messages to each other. All of that was within two months post-break up. That photo basically was the factor in me deleting my accounts so I wouldn't check up again. So then when I got this letter from him soon after that it was so confusing. If I speak honestly I never completely felt a genuiness in his letter, for some reason. I wanted to believe that he understood, but I couldn't then and I don't know now. I don't know why. So now basically 8 months since that letter I am thinking about it again, wondering if maybe I should of or should just take the apology and break nc. And thanks for the replies, sorry if my writing is confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
Always Pondering Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 The thing is he wrote me months back, about 2 months after the breakup in a letter where he apologised with words like "i failed...I can't sleep some nights...". In the previous month before that letter I had been watching what he was up to on social media through another account (since I had closed mine) and he kept posting up statuses and photos of something which he had told me in an email a week before was a mistake and that he never wanted it or would do it again. Also, he posted up one photo which completely broke me down where he was with a girl hugging (truly I don't know who or what she is/was to him) but by comments I saw they made some flirty messages to each other. All of that was within two months post-break up. That photo basically was the factor in me deleting my accounts so I wouldn't check up again. So then when I got this letter from him soon after that it was so confusing. If I speak honestly I never completely felt a genuiness in his letter, for some reason. I wanted to believe that he understood, but I couldn't then and I don't know now. I don't know why. So now basically 8 months since that letter I am thinking about it again, wondering if maybe I should of or should just take the apology and break nc. And thanks for the replies, sorry if my writing is confusing. I completely understand how you feel and as much as you want to, you still should not break NC. I had a similar situation: received message of 'possible' regret / could not sleep for nights on end / tears, had pictures up on social media of being with another person, all of it. I felt the same urge to contact after such a long time and I did but only to my surprise that I never received a response. You should consider the possibility that he could completely ignore you and how you would feel because of that. You should also consider the possibility that he is currently in a relationship with that girl / someone and if that's the case, it's even more likely you would get no response. At this point and time, I'm actually grateful I never got a response as strange as that sounds. You've made it this far of enduring 8 months of NC, there's no reason to break it now. Stay strong Vanessa! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 In one situation I broke NC after about nine months. It ended up completely erasing all progress in my healing. I wrote an email expressing some final thoughts about the relationship's demise, essentially trying to give myself closure. To my surprise my ex called me back a few days later. That opened the door to an in-person meetup a few weeks later, when we had sex, my feelings got reignited, etc. etc. It was a whole mess where I was on board for trying again while it turned out he wasn't....the back-and-forth lasted a very long time and I didn't successfully date anyone else during it. Going through that was like getting my heart broken a second time. All told it set me back about a year in my healing. So you can take that as the cautionary tale it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 (edited) The thing is he wrote me months back, about 2 months after the breakup in a letter where he apologised with words like "i failed...I can't sleep some nights...". Whatever you hear - and you heard something already - sometimes it never makes sense. Even if you got an answer, the answer itself wont make the hurt go away. If he said that he failed and had sleepless nights than he probably did something he did not understand himself. so do not expect soul setting free answers here. Sometimes it helps as a confirmation that it is hopeless and that you have to stop torturing yourself. Do not do it, you already had that confirmation. Edited August 19, 2014 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
Peacock_Tail Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 First of all congratulations for those amazing months of NC. It's really hard to mantain it. And I agree with everyone who posted here! So another vote for: Hell no! Don't do it! As you wrote, I think it's pretty normal to feel the way you are feeling now, even after many months of NC. I'm going to suggest one thing more: As your birthday is approaching, block any possible way which doesn't include her showing at your door to contact you. Whats'app, Facebook, e-mails can be blocked, and I guess also phone calls and texts. By doing that you won't be waiting and pining for a breadcrumb (which might or not come) because there would be no possible way of getting it. Think about it. What are the options? I don't think anything could help you at this point. If he apologizes again he probably will do it out of guilt. If he just congratulates you and says nothing else you will feel that's not enough and will leave your mind ****ed. If he wants you back, could you trust him after all this time and not knowing what he has been doing? There are many things you can think of but none of them seems quite amazing. Why? Because it's time for you to shine and start a new chapter in your life. Better yet, to start a new book. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Thank you again to all of the repliers. I haven't broke the nc, hopefully it is the best thing, at least for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 ... says nothing else you will feel that's not enough and will leave your mind ****ed. : I think this is pretty likely. Thanks for replying. Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Next time you feel tempted to break NC I would encourage you to write a letter narrating your thoughts. You never send that letter. Perhaps you post it on here or show it to a highly trusted friend. If you have artistic tendencies then perhaps you could express yourself through art. The important thing is that you put those thoughts and feelings out into the world. The longer they circulate through your mind, the more toxic and painful they become, until you feel your only salvation is the action you are desperately trying to avoid. Or life's distractions and surprises pull you in another direction. Express yourself. Liberate yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 It'll only bring you right back to square one. We have all broken NC at some point clearly I'm not encouraging but the healing journey is far from perfect. Be gentle on yourself and acknowledge the fact that you are in a better place and breaking NC will only resurface emotions that are still a bit difficult to cope with at this moment. Keep powering through these difficult times, you will come out of this a new and improved you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 So tonight after 11 months since breaking up and 9 months of no media checking or contact I had a weak moment. Without reactivating my account I looked at his page through google. Icould've held myself back but I didn't. I didn't view his page long but it was enough to see a photo which has me feeling hurt, disappointment, anger all in one. Though it was stupid to check it even for the minute or so, I can say at least that it hasn't sent me back to square one. I am feeling things right now, but I can see now without confusion that he never really cared all that much about me, or about any of it. It just one look at his page I sensed a lack of reflection on his part, I sense he's changed from when I knew him but I feel more that it was just never really him to begin. I have spent so much time thinking about what he's thinking of and so much time wondering if he really did regret things, if he did feel what he said, wondering if maybe I handled it over the top.. and it is just a pointless, pointless use of time. I admit I am feeling nudged a step back in this moment, but I am not and I refuse, refuse to be at square one again. I can only say now that being the dumper is not easy, does not automatically mean a cold person, it is hard and in some situations can be harder. Anyone who thinks about checking media like me should really be prepared and the best choice is just not to do it like some people did recommend me. In a (small) way I am glad to see the truth as I have in this break of 'contact'. I am real glad I haven't sent another letter or message because it would have been a mistake. In one way I feel a deep disappointment from what I saw, and in another I feel a sort of burden lifted, a little like the glasses have been lifted off. The worst thing really is knowing you've been caring about a person for so much time when they never did. I can't imagine how people can do this after relationships that lasted years and I do hope I never have to but I am just a little more aware now. A hard lesson to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Have you started anything new? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted September 9, 2014 Author Share Posted September 9, 2014 Sorry what do you mean by something new? Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted September 9, 2014 Share Posted September 9, 2014 Sorry what do you mean by something new? Activity, hobby, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 Ohh... Recently I have been exercising more often, it's not quite a routine but I guess it counts. Been reading a few books too. I Have not really started anything significant though. Unfortunately a common distraction of mine lately has been shopping sprees. It is definitely only a short term distraction or hobby if I can say. Truth is a part of that is also an outcome of other personal/family matters. I don't recommend it as an ongoing thing for anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Good going then :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dclan Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 Is this a normal thing to happen after a period of successfully maintaining nc? Has this happened with anyone else and did you break or keep nc? What was the outcome? I feel so desperate at this moment and I feel some anger I don't even know why exactly. I have a birthday coming up soon this month too, I wonder if this is subconsciously giving me this feeling. Yes it is a very normal thing to have ups and downs--- Birthdays, important dates, etc, will all be bad days. After 1 year and 3 months of NC, the day of her birthday......OMG I so wished to say happy birthday and talk to her, and everything. I spent the entire week depressed about it, and the next week too. After that, everything went back to normal again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 It was the same for me, the week leading up to my bday I was in a worse mood and then the next few days following. Things are back to 'normal' again, meaning the usual grieving mood I've been in. But it's somehow like there was a reason to look at his profile two days ago too. It just seemed to confirm some things for me. The best thing is just not to make contact though unless you are thoroughly prepared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VanessaVanessa Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 It's been 13 months since the break up, and a few days ago I posted a short birthday letter to him. His upcoming birthday has been on my mind the past couple of weeks and a few days ago I wrote a letter and posted it. I didn't think I would send one. I don't completely know why I did either. I was pacing for about an hour after writing the letter deciding whether to put it in the post box, and eventually I did. I tried not to think of it too much in the moment. What I wrote was basically this "Happy Birthday _____, I hope you have a peaceful day. I thought I would take this opportunity to let you know that the letter you said in your email you last posted early in the year never arrived (if that ever was the problem), and so there couldn't be a reply. I believe that was for a reason, I don't know. Though I do not think that in the end it would/does make a difference now, it's just that in this moment I have the push to reveal that. Well, again, this is just to say happy birthday. Take Care." I wrote it just on a small notepad paper; no card or anything else. <<I guess that's me just trying to rationalize. I'm wishing now that I hadn't sent it. I just don't really know the reasons. I mean, I can't say that I have moved on, that I am past it. I do cry less, it's not on a daily basis, but I feel like saying that it doesn't phase me anymore is so untrue. I am thinking now I should have at most just sent an email on the day or even later. He didn't send or email me on my birthday a few months ago. I don't know, I feel so stupid. I didn't think I would get to this point since the separation and be thinking, feeling, confused in this way. Link to post Share on other sites
dclan Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 It's been 13 months since the break up, and a few days ago I posted a short birthday letter to him. His upcoming birthday has been on my mind the past couple of weeks and a few days ago I wrote a letter and posted it. I didn't think I would send one. I don't completely know why I did either. I was pacing for about an hour after writing the letter deciding whether to put it in the post box, and eventually I did. I tried not to think of it too much in the moment. What I wrote was basically this "Happy Birthday _____, I hope you have a peaceful day. I thought I would take this opportunity to let you know that the letter you said in your email you last posted early in the year never arrived (if that ever was the problem), and so there couldn't be a reply. I believe that was for a reason, I don't know. Though I do not think that in the end it would/does make a difference now, it's just that in this moment I have the push to reveal that. Well, again, this is just to say happy birthday. Take Care." I wrote it just on a small notepad paper; no card or anything else. <<I guess that's me just trying to rationalize. I'm wishing now that I hadn't sent it. I just don't really know the reasons. I mean, I can't say that I have moved on, that I am past it. I do cry less, it's not on a daily basis, but I feel like saying that it doesn't phase me anymore is so untrue. I am thinking now I should have at most just sent an email on the day or even later. He didn't send or email me on my birthday a few months ago. I don't know, I feel so stupid. I didn't think I would get to this point since the separation and be thinking, feeling, confused in this way. I get why you feel stupid. Its like: "Sent him a letter he won't reply, only to think about him when he doesn't want to do anything with me. I'm such an idiot!". Its like you feel you keep bumping with the same rock in your path. However, the letter can't really hurt your situation, can it? Ok so you feel dumb for sending it....don't. I know you are probably hoping for a reply, but even if he doesn't, don't ponder about what it could mean, because: a) Maybe he reads it, it means something for him, but he still doesn't reply b) Maybe he reads it, means nothiing to him. c) Maybe he doesn't read it, because it would be painfull for him. d) Maybe he doesn't read it, because he doesn't care. So in all honestly, the letter can't really hurt you. If he doesn't reply, doesn't mean anything. After all, in some situations, no news are actually good news. So don't feel bad for sending it. You felt in your heart you wanted to communicate with him, so you did. There is nothing wrong with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I know you are in pain. We all mess up and make mistakes. Don't try to beat yourself up about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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