I think I cheated and it's killing me

[youngidiot20]

I've been dating the girl of my dreams for the last six months. She lives about six hours away but we go to the same university, so we're essentially long(ish?) distance for three months out of the year, which at this point has been half of our relationship. We are both 20. She is absolutely the girl of my dreams and I've told her (and meant it) that I could see me spending the rest of my life with her. I swear I mean it when I say I don't even have eyes for other girls. We were both virgins when we started dating, so neither of us takes sexual stuff lightly. I cherish so much that we have been each other's only partners.

 

So getting to the point: I just moved back to university for the summer, and my girlfriend doesn't move in for about another week. My roommates and I threw an apartment warming party a few nights ago. I drank significantly more than I usually do (Big mistake #1). At the end of the night I went up to my bedroom and one of my female friends was asleep in my bed. She's just a friend, and I've never really looked at her sexually. Anyway, I tried to wake her, to no avail. So I climbed in next to her (Big mistake #2). I climbed in without any intention of doing anything. I woke up a couple of hours later and we were cuddling and caressing and stuff. I wish I could say it was innocent cuddling, but I really don't think it was that type. I think I also kissed her on the cheek a few times. I can barely remember this and I originally thought I had dreamt it. I know it's what every cheating guy says, but I really was drunk and couldn't comprehend what I was doing. I literally could not put two thoughts together. We didn't kiss each other and we didn't have sex. Still, it was the type of thing you don't do with anyone but your girlfriend. I imagine it would probably be classified as cheating.

 

I woke up the next day and my friend was gone, and for a minute I had hoped I dreamt it. I texted her and she said we just cuddled and we were both drunk and that I shouldn't worry about it. Still, I felt awful all day.

 

I originally planned to tell my girlfriend about this as soon as she got to campus, but I couldn't think about anything else. We had both talked about how much we dislike cheaters in the past. She had even mentioned she doesn't understand why people stay with partners who cheat. I sought the advice of some close friends, and I decided I couldn't wait to tell her. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't think about anything else. So I called my girlfriend on Skype (which is unfortunately the most personal way we have to talk). I told her the entire story, or at least I tried. I probably didn't make much sense between my sobs. She was just really quiet for the most part, and she said thanks for telling her. She didn't immediately break up with me, which I guess is a somewhat good sign. She said we could talk about it in person when she got here this weekend. I texted her afterwards as well, but she told me she just needs some space.

 

I thought telling her would have made my guilt at least a little better, but it hasn't. I still can't eat or sleep. I just lay in bed and stare at the wall. I absolutely hate myself for what I did to my girlfriend. I guess I probably deserve that. I don't want to lose my girlfriend. I can't lose her. The night of cuddling with my friend meant absolutely nothing (again, what all cheaters say, I suppose). I've still got five days of this hell before I see my girlfriend. I'm scared. I can't imagine not being with her. I'd do anything to get her back. I've talked to my sister and my mother about the situation. They basically told me I have to get my drinking under control. In the past when I've binge drunk, it hasn't hurt anyone but myself, but now I've hurt the love of my life and I'll never forgive myself. And I've felt this terribly about the situation without even kissing or having sex with another girl, so I can absolutely promise I'll never cheat again (Yep, what all cheaters say). I mean that though. I have to show her I mean that, but I don't know if she will believe me. I'm just worried I've ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me and it scares the living daylights out of me. I'm not a bad guy. I'm human and I made a mistake. Mostly, I'm just a man who loves his girlfriend and wants to do anything to win back her trust.

 

I guess if there's anyone that's been able to move past something like this, I'd like to hear how you handled it. Thanks in advance.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah what you did crossed a line but in the end if all you did was cuddle & cheek kiss, it's not the worst thing in the world.

 

I'd tell your GF but emphasize that everybody was dressed & nothing happened. If possible get the female friend to confirm that nothing happened.

 

Learn to drink a bottle of water between each alcoholic drink. It will slow your consumption of alcohol & keep you hydrated. Being more sober should enable you to prevent lapses like this going forward.

[youngidiot20]

Yeah what you did crossed a line but in the end if all you did was cuddle & cheek kiss, it's not the worst thing in the world.

 

I'd tell your GF but emphasize that everybody was dressed & nothing happened. If possible get the female friend to confirm that nothing happened.

 

Learn to drink a bottle of water between each alcoholic drink. It will slow your consumption of alcohol & keep you hydrated. Being more sober should enable you to prevent lapses like this going forward.

 

Well, I was in only boxer shorts, and it was a little more than cuddling and a cheek kiss. I didn't know how much detail you are allowed to go into on these forums. But there was definitely some groping and grinding type stuff as well. I've told my girlfriend everything that happened. She has all the details.