Arch_123 Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 I'm not sure where to post this, so if this is the wrong forum, sorry. I need some advice here. I'm happily married to my wife and best friend of many years. We're both full-time students and work a lot on top of that, but we try to make time for each other, and things are quite good between us. My problem is with a new friend at the university. She's the same age as my wife, smart, funny, and good people. We met in the fall, and since we're both in the same department, we've ended up becoming fairly close. She's single (and laments that fact over beers and coffee we and others share during pub night and class breaks), but has never done anything improper, and was eager to meet my wife, which went well. Long story short, you guessed it--I'm attracted to her. Nothing wrong with that mind you, but I have no intentions of cheating on my wife. The thing is, seeing her several times a week during class and hanging out with her make it difficult for me to keep pure thoughts. So do I brush off my new, unique friend, hurt her feelings, and look like an a**hole to the department where I'm going to be studying for the next 3 or so years? Should I explain to her I need to step back from hanging out with her (remember, we've got several classes together, including a group-project), possibly weirding her out? Or just keep my mouth shut and wait for the end of semester, knowing this will subside over the summer and then possible start up again in the fall. when we will have more classes together? She's been confiding in me more and more, which makes this harder--she clearly trusts me as a friend, and I don't want to hurt her, as she's failry shy. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but more importantly, I want to stay honest to my wife, who deserves better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
iceprincess Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 Hello there, I understand that you are seeing and spending more time with this female friend than your wife because of your school schedule. I wouldn't cut off the friendly relationship because you ARE a friend to your female friend. If you think that this friendship will hurt both you and your wife in the long run then I'd suggest spending less personal/alone time with your friend but don't stop contact altogether. Go out together as a group and make it a goal to spend more time with your wife. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arch_123 Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 Akk! My friend emailed out some pics of herself taken this last weekend, while she was out enjoying the sun. Nothing suggestive about them, and I wasn't the only one who got them, but am I reading to much into the implications of this? Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 Originally posted by Arch_123 Akk! My friend emailed out some pics of herself taken this last weekend, while she was out enjoying the sun. Nothing suggestive about them, and I wasn't the only one who got them, but am I reading to much into the implications of this? Yes you are. If avoiding her is out of the question because you take classes with her then bring up your wife periodicaly on all your conversation. Keep your wife in the forefront. This will show her, without hurting her feelings, how strongly you feel about your wife. Make it clear to her where your relationship with her stands. Platonic with a capital P. If she suggest to do something outside of class then say, "Oh, my wife would like to come to that!" or if your wife can't make it then respectfully decline. Keep it business/scholarly. Your their to study and learn, not date. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 1, 2005 Share Posted March 1, 2005 If you bring up anything to this girl about your fears - about attraction, about the strangeness, about anything - you'll be giving a palpable body to a demon best left in the abstract. Anything you bring up in conversation will pull you in deeper. You do not want to tell this woman you are attracted to her - under no circumstances. She probably already knows this as it is. If you confess how you are feeling, that is just what she will need to pursue you more - as she knows its a weak spot. Just bringing it up to her and telling her will be inviting nothing but trouble. If you want to avoid any scenes, or dig yourself a deeper hole, you can always just do a 'friendly gradual cooling off' thing - spend less time with her, be busy too busy to be a confidant, if you see her in the halls - be in a hurry to be somewhere else, answer few if any of her emails or phone calls, stuff like that. Pair this with Bronzepen's advice to continually add your wife to the conversation and plans outside of campus and you have a no-nonsense, very clear message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arch_123 Posted March 1, 2005 Author Share Posted March 1, 2005 Thanks; I appreciate this. Link to post Share on other sites
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