current no contact, but i want him back....

[confusingdays12345]

My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me at the end of January. We had been in same place all of last year and since Sept we were doing long distance....Also, he is two years younger than me and still in college - i just started working. We were totally in love, had talked about marriage (despite being young - me 23, him 21), but long distance started getting the best of us....So, he broke up wtih me and we fought/cried/talked for like 2 weeks. He agreed to see me on valentine's day, as we had plans to see each other. We had most amazing weekend. He told me how much i mean to me, how much he loves me and that this is what we need to do if we are going to ever be 100% sure we are meant to be...and that he needs this time to experience college being single as he doesnt know what life is like without me in it and wants the chance to see what it is like to be single and meet other girls (we are both each other's first serious relationship). when he was here for valentine's, he cried in my arms telling me that it hurts him too, but that this is what he wants and that he has wanted it for a while. we agreed when he left to talk less and he agreed that he'd still call once in a while and he'd be honest about how he feels. i said he can do whatever he wants with other people and doesnt need to tell me, but that if he does meet someone new that he loves/has a new girlfriend, i'd want to know, so i know i'm no longer the one he loves. so, he left after our great weekend together and for the first few days things were good.....we spoke on and off and he said he missed me and had best weekend.....but anytime i brought up being upset or anything about being confused or asked him questions about our relationship he'd say that if i cant deal with being normal friends we cant talk

 

so....this past weekend, i called him really upset and saying i dont know why he is sending me such mixed messages (he sent me a vday card which was so nice and implied getting back together in future and saying he'll always love me) if he does not want to be with me right now. he said he is confused and should not have said that in card and should not have said the things eh did when he was in person with me for valentine's day and that he doesnt want to make any promisese cause we may never get back together and that i need to move on and stop bothering him....

 

the past few days we have just been fighting (we arent talking on phone, but i've started conversation wtih him online). i know from the moment he broke up with me, ishould have shut him out and not tried talking/seeing him...he wants no contact now and has been really mean lately. he says that he needs space and that he doesnt love me in same way anymore and hasnt for a while and that he is happy with his decision and this is what he wants...and if 10 years we get back together so be it.....he also sometimes implies that while he doesnt want to get back togehter in near future, i should know that it is not like we will never see each other again or talk again, but that we need a while. since i've known him (About 4 years) - i dont think we've gone more than a few days (maybe a week max) without talking. it is so hard to refrain from telling him things in my life or telling him how i feel. no contact seems like such a game. when he was here, i thought i knew that deep down he loved me and that we'd end up together....now, i dont know what to believe. he is so hot and cold. he is so hot and cold. how can someone who a week ago loved me so much and was crying now be so rude and tell me that the way i'm acting by continuing to want to talk is making him like me less.....he says i'm stressing him out and he doesnt want to deal with me anymore and that i should just move on and pretend we are never getting back together. he says if we see each other it wont be til june before he leaves to go to asia for two months (he is going abroad for the summer). i just want advice......i'm so torn on whether or not this is really the end or whether or not he is just confused and thinks he wants space.....it is like i know he loves me and cares about me, but he refuses to acknowledge it cause he also wants space to do his own thing....throughout our relationship he was always the one talking about future and wanting to marry me, etc.....i think the seroiusness of our relationship started to scare him and since we are in different places now (after pretty much living together last year) it is the best time in his eyes to take a break from me....i'm just confused if the break is cause he doesnt love me anymore or cause he wants to experience other thigns to be sure i'm the one he wants....

 

any thoughts? advice? insight?

 

we spoke today online and again he told me i'm not leaving him alone and that i'm not being fair to him. i know that i'm not...but he hasnt been fair to me with his back and forth the past few weeks....valentine's day weekend was very emotional and all of last week he was really nice and called me a few times....this week he seems to thikn we need to stop all communication saying that it is clear we cannot be friends and move on while talking. i dont want to move on...i love him so much. amazing how a break-up can make you so 100% sure that this is the person you really did want to spend the rest of your life with.....i've never felt this way about any other guy in my life (and the same was true of him).

 

im pretty sure he wont call me for a while...we spoke on phone on tuesday and it was me crying and him yelling that i need to stop and that it has been a month and i still havent given hiim space (technically it is a month, but he was here two weeks ago, so it doesnt feel like a month cause when he was here it was like we were together).

 

i dont know what to do....no contact is so hard. i dont have the willpower for it - esp since i miss him so much.

 

i know that if he does call me again, it will probalby not be til my bday in a month......i know i cant talk to him til then, but it is so hard....

[LucreziaBorgia]

he is so hot and cold. how can someone who a week ago loved me so much and was crying now be so rude and tell me that the way i'm acting by continuing to want to talk is making him like me less.....

 

That's the worst part for a victim of 'falling out of love'. As his emotional investment in you dwindles, he will have less and less patience for your needs. Think of it like a jug of water with a slow leak. One week its about three-quarters full and the next week its only a quarter full. Its leaking out slowly - you can't see it as its happening. You only begin to notice it when the level is alarmingly low. You can try filling it up again, but its going to continue leaking. You keep pouring in water, but he isn't fixing his leak, nor does he want to. He is choosing to let his emotions for you leak away. You can't control this. It was his decision.

 

As this happens, you'll see less and less of the guy you love and more and more of the stranger who is falling out of love with you. He'll become more impatient the more you try to back him into a corner. It sounds bad, but that's what happens when you back someone into a corner. They become mean and self protective and will take measures to escape.

 

What's bad is that the thing that is backing him into a corner is your love for him. Right now he isn't at the point where he is going to bolt and trample you over on the way out, but he's close. Part of him still cares for you and enjoys your company - that emotional investment is there, but its leaking out fast. There is very little you can do at this point since he is making it clear he's on the way out. All you can do is watch it happen. If you stick around until the end, you'll find that this guy you love so much can and will be very, very cold to you.

 

this week he seems to thikn we need to stop all communication saying that it is clear we cannot be friends and move on while talking

 

He is asking for space. That means he needs space - real space, meaning he doesn't want to be in contact with you anymore. If you continue to back him into a corner and refuse to give him this space he needs, he will make a run for it and trample you down if that's what it takes to get that space. Best to quit while you are ahead and do that 'no contact'. I know you want to stay in touch with him because you love him, but paradoxically - the best thing to do if you do love him is to not stay in touch with him.

[Tonia2]

You are damn good at this Lucrezia - I have read some of your posts. Some of the wisest on this forum - I wish I could take your advice!

[Stringfellow]

Please tell me what you all think, I have posted this before, but as I take that final step to move forward I like to review where I have been so please tell me your opinions. Here we go!

 

I met a gal who has the following past, she was married for 10 yrs, during the 9th year she started having an affair with a man who she still works with today. She and her first husband tried counseling but this woman who I will name Carla kept the affair going while trying to reconcile the marriage, needless to say they got divorced. The affair continued for another year until the man she was having the affair with dumped her. She met a man a week later and they were married 1 month later.

 

That marriage lasted 5 yrs, she said all he did was yell at her for no reason, (I have to wonder what role she played in it but never the less) they got divorced. Three months later her and I met, she had dated a few men between that time before we met.

 

We went out several times and the she cut it off. We started seeing each other 3 months later, things were awesome so during month # 5, I asked her to marry me and we could set the date for a year or so later. I asked her to marry me and she accepted, she left town for a business trip (with the man that she had the affair with in the past because they still work together), I was in heaven, upon her return she said that she did not want to get married, I asked why did you say yes then, her answer was "I just wanted to make you feel good while I was out of town on business" Most folks I have talked to said that was cruel and even some say emotional abuse. I did tell her that I wont ask her again so if she wanted to get married to me that she would have to ask me next time. She said OK, and that is where we left it.

 

Her Dad would say to her looks like you are headed towards #3 (referring to marriage # 3) and she would say with me standing there, "No I am not Daddy, I am never getting married again, she knew that I wanted to get married, she was telling him this after I had already proposed to her.

 

I never stopped dating her hoping that someday she might change her mind but I NEVER let her know how bad she hurt me. My feelings of being secure in the relationship started to suffer, (which I was told would be a natural response), I was looking for reassurance and sometimes she would give it and sometimes she would not and when she would not we would get into arguments which was about once a month.

 

Then month 6 rolls around and until now we had been seeing each other pretty regularly, she then says "I love you but I only want to see you on the weekends" I tried for a compromise of 1 more day during the week and she said no, that in this case she wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

 

We went to see a minister and he told her that he could see why I was confused that if you love someone then you want to be with them as much as you can. So she said "well I guess I can give him what he needs and see him one day during the week" She also told him while I was sitting there that I was the most kind, gentle, most caring man she had ever met and that she knows that she will never meet a better man than me. When we left the meeting she told me she was going to show me what love really was.

 

Two weeks later we are broke up, she said that I tried to come between her and her family. During the fifth month of dating her brother-in-law who is a alcoholic and drug addict drove home drunk and high and drove his truck through the garage door, smashing stuff inside, he went into the house broke a TV, punched holes in wall and so on. It was after that event that I gave Carla and her parents information on intervention, (I grew up in that environment and could see what direction the brother-in-law was headed) after hearing her Dad say one day that if he ever hurt the daughter (Carla’s sister) or the grand kids that he would take a gun an shoot that SOB.

 

Two months later he does the same type of things, this time he ends up in jail and is facing prison charges. I asked her did the family look into the info I gave you on intervention, she said no and I asked why not, What I got from her was, "WELL I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, I said that is not the point, the point is that I came from that environment and I could see what direction it was headed, if they had looked into the info that the brother-in-law might not be in jail and facing prison time, again I got "YOU WERE RIGHT AND WE WERE WRONG, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME", I asked this question, “if you blow me off about something like this when I have had experience in it what else are you blowing me off about. We were in a argument at this point and it was around mid-night and I said lets just go to bed and talk about this in the morning. She said that she was not going to take off work just to sit and argue with me. I asked her at that point what would she take off work for. I asked if she would take off if her kids were sick and they were vomiting, (her kids are 12 and 14) she said no, that she would only take off if they were vomiting violently but otherwise she would go to work.

 

I was always a gentleman to her and her family, I treated her kids well, I helped around the house by cleaning, doing laundry, fixing things, cleaning the toilets, giving the dog a bath, mowing the yard, cleaning the whole house and various other things. I did these things to show her that I cared for her and loved her. I had flowers sent to her office about once a month, I took her flowers home about once a week, I bought her cards, I left her love notes in her car, in the shower, in her purse, I would send her emails during the day to tell her I was thinking about her, and that I loved her, I would call the radio station in her town to have songs dedicated to her and other things as well.

 

She works for her Mom and her Mom will say things that hurt Carla’s feelings, her Mom also runs Carla in her personal life, Carla cant tell her Mom no. If her Mom tells her to do something Carla does it, I asked her why and she said that she cant tell her Mom no, that her Mom (who is like 61 with no health problems) wont be around much longer and it would be disrespectful to tell her no.

 

She told my girls ages 11 and 13 that she loved them, and they asked me when it was over how could she love us dad, she never sat down to talk with us, she never took the time to know who we are, she never played with us. When we broke up my girls were hurt.

 

 

We dated for about 7 months, I live about 65 miles away from her, and each day after work I would head to her place. Sometimes I would have to work late, not arriving at her place till 9:30, just in time to go to bed so I could be up at 5:50 am so I could make the 1.25 hour drive to work. She would call me and say, "if you are too tired to drive here you can just stay in town". I would make the drive anyway so I could spend time with her. Not once did she make the drive to my place, she did not suggest taking her kids to her moms who only lives 2 blocks away and coming to my place so I would not have to make the late night drive. Seven months and not one time did she make the drive she has a new car so that would not be an excuse.

 

In defense of her she did buy me some clothes and dinner on several occasions. She also bought me flowers a couple times and a couple of cards.

 

I was getting a lot of mixed signals, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me, she said she would set up an appointment on several occasions, but she never did.

 

Her sister and brother-in-law are both deaf, she told me she would teach me to talk to them using sign language, she never did, I asked her to several times and she would say she would but she never took the time to do so. So she would talk to them and I would not have a clue to what they were saying.

 

So tell me, was this relationship doomed from the beginning, she has never sought help for her past, I asked her to seek help because she was being eaten up by her secret of the affair and she told me how much it bothered her, and she is so afraid that the kids will find out and then not love her anymore.

 

When we first started dating and for the first 3 months of dating her second X husband worked for her, and she would have issues with him because he was angry I was in her life, which made me feel insecure knowing that he was working with her and she was working with the man she had her affair with.

 

Does she sound like a woman still wanting the affair because she has not gotten away from this man at work, and she takes business trips alone with him.

 

Did I have the right to feel insecure in this relationship?

 

Did I do something wrong by suggesting intervention for the brother-in-law?

 

Where did I go wrong?

[littlelaxer]

hey confusingdays12345,

 

i totally understand where u are commin from wtih everything. i am going through or went (whatever) through the same thing. Things were great then BAM it all changed and we broke up. Its been about five months now. And it stinks.

 

In my situaion its like the same, he really cares for me but is "confused" and "doesnt know what he wants" so like u said he wants to go out there and see whats there. Basically experience life and then come back if theres nothing to speical out there. He even told my best friend that he can see himself marrying me but he doesnt want a relationhip right now. That im the best but he just wants to be free and with the guys. And yea that TOTALLY is dumb cause like he was with the guys a lot cuase i wasnt the controlling type.

 

I think both our guys are young and dumb and fine go ahead look but u wont find anything. ya know!?!

 

I think u just need to go ur own seperate way. Dont talk to him for awhile, if hes like my ex he will start to call and be like "i dont know why u arent talking to me" and if they get mad or frustrated it just shows how they really dont know hwat they want becuae they want u to be there waiting but just dont want u to be theirs at that moment.

 

So go do things for YOU. Do no contact for awhile......a real long while, and when/if he starts to do things to look like he wants to come back....continue with no contact, becuase at the begingng he is probably tryin to see if u are still waiting for him. My ex did that and i messed up so now i have started all over again with no contact for 2 months. I have done awhole lot iwth myself these past five months and i like to think of myself oas a stronger person. You will be too. Just like i said do for YOu. and dont talk to him becuase it is only going to mess you up. thast just my thoughts!

[confusingdays12345]

thanks for the replies..

 

one caveat: about two years ago during our relationship (when we were also not in the same place and were both having doubts - we took a short break - he started dating somebody else.....this crushed me and i fought for him back for like 2 months - he was mean and told me he didnt want to be wtih me anymore, etc....said he was moving on since we werent in same place and that he found someone new etc....) during this time i kept telling him how much i loved him and missed him - i didnt want to play games and just find another guy to make him jealous....finally after like 2 1/2 months he agreed to see me for lunch.....i saw him for lunch and in that one lunch he decided he wanted me back.....and dumped the other girl.....

 

point of the story, during those 2 1/2 months he sounded A LOT like he sounds now....saying he doesnt want to be wiht me, who knows if we'll ever get back togehter, he is moving on, doesnt feel same way, etc.....and then he realized he was wrong....

 

maybe this gives me false hope, but i've seen him go from VERY cold to VERY hot in a short period of time....and when we got back together he felt so badly for how he treated me and we were together with no breakups from then til now.....

 

so, it is hard to know what he is really feeling......sometimes i think he wants a break to see what else is out there, but stil lloves me....othertimes, i think he doesnt love me anymore otherwise he owuldnt be able to do this....

 

i'm going to try to give him the space he needs cause i dont want to bother him - it is just sooo hard. i compare every new guy i meet/date to him.

 

i mean...i know so many people who break up for long periods of time and get back togheter cause they are still in love.....how can you tell if you are going to be one of those people??? my best friend (who is now married) had her boyfriend break up with her for like 9 months (a year into their relationship). since then, they were together 4 more years and got married.....so how do you know when all hope is lost or when there still COULD be a chance?

[Oriental]

you just dont know so you've got to MOVE ON. couldnt agree more with littlelaxer about doing your own things and apply NC! im going through the same thing, so similar that when i read Littlelaxer's post i thought it was me writing without my own knowledge! it feels really difficult now becoz you have been broken up for only a month and he sent you mixed signals. but in time bit by bit you will start to feel better. its a chance for you too! to see what's out there and what's there in yourself.

 

he came back last time but see what happened now! once again he dumped you and went cold! he is really really confused and you being there telling him how you guys are meant to be is not going to help. so calm down and do what you have decided: no contact. we all know it's difficult coz we are going through the same thing. but remember this whenever you feel down: this too shall pass.

[confusingdays12345]

I know that I need to move on, but I still love him so much. I instant messaged him online to tell him some important news pertaining to my job that I found out today. We chatted amicably about it, but then he says that he still does not want to talk to me and that i'm not giving him space. I told him that he shouldnt worry cause I get that we are broken up and I dont want to get back together, but I thought we could still talk every so often about stuff being that we've been together for two years and were friends for 4 years (and we are each other's best friends and longest relationship). he said he does not want to talk to me right now and does not know when he will. i know the situation should be reverse, since he broke up with me - - i should be the one that doesnt want to talk to him.....a few weeks ago he had promised we'd see each other in june and have a big talk and see where we are both at after some space. ia sked him today if that still held and he said i'm not making any promises to you, we are broken up. so, i get mad and tell him he is a liar and he tells me than i shouldnt want to talk to him and that i need to leave him alone and get a life. this is from teh guy that was more in love with me than anything and would talk about our future togehter and a few weeks ago following our breakup said that we need time apart to know that we want to end up together....i just dont get it.. all i want is to be civil and amicable and chat...he is free to do waht he wants and i am free to do what i want - i get that...i just dont see the poitn of shutting each other out of each other's lives, when i know we both mean something to each other. someone please help explain his behavior and how he can shut me out/push me away so easily when jsut weeks ago he was crying about how upset he was to leave me and that this will all be for the best down the line......

 

i'm so upset - about both breaking up and losing my best friend in the entire world.

[littlelaxer]

Hey buddy,

 

i really think the big problem here is that he wants to be left alone and u arent doing that. I understand u want to be friends but right now i dont think he wants to. i really think if u want this to get anywhere u need to leave all the contacting up to him. Im sure he felt horrible ending the relationship cause im sure he cares for you but really i think he wants to be alone. so just leave him be.

 

I think u are almost making excuses to talk to him. We all do it at the begining, u know? But really i think u need to take a step back before u get the urge to talk to him and say to urself "is this going to get me anywhere??" Cause most likely it will not. You contacting him is just going to make him feel like he has alllll of this power that u are still stuck on him like glue and hes goin to continue to treat u like this until u take a stand, and the best way to do that is to go into STRICT no contact.

 

In my opinion u should not bring up the seeing eachother in June, because face it if u were that important to him he would be meeting you NOW to talk.....not june. Also i think the more u show less intrest in that time u decided to get together the stronger u will look.

 

i hope ur alright.....

[confusingdays12345]

i understand that i'm bothering him and that he wants space......i just don't understand how he can be so mean. i dont get how he has no desire to talk to me. he use to call me so much and we'd talk every night before bed. he did come and talk to me valentine's day weekend and we ended on such a good note. that lasted about a week and then he said he doesnt feel like we are broken up and we can't be normal friends, so he doesnt want to talk to me anymore. i'm trying so hard to leave him alone. but sometimes i get so upset/lonely/miss him so much that the only thing that will make me feel better is to instant message him online or call him (although i've been pretty good about not calling). i KNOW i NEED to stop communicating wtih him and go into strict no contact, as he wants - but i guess it just bothers me that EVERYTHING is on his terms. deep down, i know he still loves me and i know that if there was ever anything seriously wrong in either of our lives, we'd be the first phoen call to each other. neither of us have ever been closer to any other person in our entire lives. i know we are young, but he would even talk about marrying me and the future together quite a bit. at the beginning of the breakup - he claimed we need this breakup to be togehter in the end. now i dont know if i buy all that as the reason. he ahs just been so hurtful. i try so hard to be angry or hate him, but i can't. i love him too much. if i knew that NC would lead him to call me in a month or so, i'd be able to do it easily - i jus worry that he wont. i just worry that he is trying so hard to force me from his mind and life (which is easier being that we are long distance right now) and that i may never talk to him anytime in the near future. i hate NC. NC is such a game. the whole premise is a game and i hate it.

 

i've never felt dependent on anyone in my life because i consider myself a really independent person, but i love him so much - i just don't feel the same without him in my life. i feel like my whole future how i envisioned it (with him) just came crashing down and is now empty without him.

 

do you really think if i do NC he'll call in a month or so? i dont think i'll be able to hold out longer than that.....he is the love of my life.

[snoop_dawg22]

Please, please stick with the NC. It works. It has been a week and my ex called me Wednesday at work... twice. Then I call back and he said he just called to say hi. Don't give him the upper hand. He doesn't have control. Actually if you stop calling and IMing him, he'll wonder what's going on with you. Give it time. While doing NC do stuff for you. Focus on something that you've been wanting to do for a while. If it's that bad, then write a letter to him but never send it. If you continue to contact him, he'll only be mean and cold. Let him have time to think and miss you. He can't do that with you calling him. It'll work out. Be strong.

[confusingdays12345]

thanks for the advice. NC is soooooooooooo hard. and i worry that i already missed the windwo of opportunity for him to miss me and i ruined it by being annoying and bothering him. i'm worried that once i stop talking to him it could be MONTHS before he calls or anything.....and i'm scared what i'll feel like if he doesnt...

 

i apologized to him online this morning for being rude/mean/annoying. he said ok. i said i jsut hope you dont hate me. he said he doesnt hate me, but htat he wants space. he then said goodbye.

 

i'm a VERY independent person usually. i was totally fine with being on my own during times we were long distance and i was neve rone of those woman who always needed/wanted a boyfriend...lately, i see how dependent i was on him.......and then i get mad at myself, but then i realize i just love him so much....

 

i hope one day i'm one of the people writing up on here how great NC is and that he's calling me missing me, but i feel like that might not ever happen..

[snoop_dawg22]

I feel your pain right now. I really want to pick up the phone and call my ex and everytime the phone rings I hope it's him. But you have to be strong and not contact him. You IMed him today and I'm sure he feels that you are not respecting his wishes. If the shoe were on the other foot I believe you would feel aggravated. So just leave him alone. Don't think that he wont call. He says he needs space but once you give that to him, he'll have second thoughts. Maybe he'll miss the sound of your voice and call. Maybe he wont at all. But that's something you have no control over. Stop contacting him. Even if you want to just say hi, that's still contact. Try to keep your mind occuiped on other things. And hey if he contacts you, don't be too quick to answer. Let him know that it was HIM that said he wanted space and NC.

[confusingdays12345]

I know deep down he loves me. I guess I worry he could throw himself into dating or being wtih someone else to try to forget about me and enter into a rebound relationship and not have the need to call me.

 

i just dont understand how someone who loved you so much for so long can have no desire to talk to you and want TOTAL space. i've been telling myself i'd start no contact ofr like two weeks and havnet managed to do it. the worst is cause we are always both on instant messenger a lot, so i always end up messaging him to say hello. and i can see when he is there and when he is out or what he is doing. he is two years younger than me (23, 21), so i feel like the relationship became overwhelming for him and he'd rather jsut be casually with some girl in the same place even if deep down he loves me...if that makes sense.

 

i'm going to really try not to contact him anymore. esp cause in two weeks he'll be going away for two weeks, so that will make it easier. my bday is at end ofmonth so that will also be a good test to see if he at least wishes me a happy bday. i'd be very pissed/upset if he didnt in some form (call, card, email).

 

i just dont see how for valentine's day after we broke up he could say i should know we'll end up back together and now he changes his whole tune to not knowing if and when he'll want to talk to me cause of how annoying i've been - he tells me that how i've been last two weeks has ruined my chances of getting back togehter (but i dont think that is possible being that i've known him 4 years - 2 weeks cant undermine all that no matter how annoying or how much fighitng, right?) i'm an idiot. i hsoul dhave just ignored him from day one. i messed up the whole "let's be friends" idea by getting too emtional or bringin us up on the phone....

 

i need advice for NC cause i can NEVEr manage to stick to it......i just wish we could be civil and amicable and frinedly even if we remain broken up. i also wish he'd tell me if he were dating someone new or something cuz at least that would explain his need to shut me out and be rude.

 

why isnt the pain fading? i wish i could not love him anymore, but you cant just turn off love (although apparently he can)

 

any advice? also, any personal anecdotes of people who had an ex doing the same thing (being rude, cold, mean and saying they dont want to talk for months) who then reversed down the line and realized they were making a mistake?

[snoop_dawg22]

All I can say is been there and done that... actually doing that now. I am dealing with NC w/ an ex of 3 yrs. He all of a sudden doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not ( we were doing the FWB thing ). That's another thing. Be happy that you don't have to be around him. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you ( for the time being ). Just try to stick with NC. I think when he sees that you are taking him more seriously he'll want to talk. Now he has the upper hand b/c you are calling and wanting him back. The minute you stop doing that he'll call. Now I know it's hard but you have to do it. I don't have a story like yours. My ex is actually a good person. And that's why I miss him so so much. But I have to be strong and not push anything on him. If I was to talk to him now I'd be a mess. During NC I'm working on me and looking at how I can be a better person. For the next relationship or maybe even for my ex. Nothing is impossible. You can do NC. It will all work out. Just stop contacting him. Doing so will cause you to lose him-- even as a friend.

[sweet-oooh]

I had the same thing with my boyfriend, and i know how hard no contact can be, but it DOES work. I kept txting him, emailing him, and in the end he got really pissed off and cold so i tried the no contact, and within 9 days, he was contacting me. You see, once you are in any kind of relationship, something like an elastic band attatches itself between you, sometimes one person or the other needs to pull back a bit, space, and so the elastic band stretches further and further, emotional distance, let that elastic band go, he will come back, thats all he needs, hope it works out for you, i know its awful x

[confusingdays12345]

before NC was he being somewhat rude and saying to leave him alone and that he didnt want to talk to you for A WHILE (as in a few months)?

 

i feel like if early on i'd done NC i might have gotten success...now i'm worriedd i've bothered him so much with the calls, texts, ims that he is pissed at me and will have no desire to call......

 

i hate this so mcuh. i'm going out with friedns toingiht, but i know that all night i'll just be dreading coming home and wanting to call hihm before i go to bed like we always use to do....

[confusingdays12345]

i understand that now he has no dseire to talk to me cause he knows i'm there for him and want to talk and if i leave him alone it will give him chance to miss me....

 

but....what if he really is as angry as he says? it is hard to tell what is truth, what is anger in moment and what is an act - esp since we are not in same place and tehse fights are not happening face to face.

 

when you are with someone for two years and have known them for 4, is it really possible for them to not want to talk toyou? ijust dont get it at all.....

 

i was his world. when he was here a few weeks ago (and we were broken up) he told me he still knew the spot he was going to propose to me at one day....i mean, what the??? last week, i actually remember asking him if i could know the spot since we are broken up....and he's like, you know i cant tell you taht cause one never knows what will happen years from now.....

 

i dont want to wait years for him! at same time, i dont want to move on just for sake of moving on.

 

do you really think NC will get him to call me? even if he has been angry with me these past two weeks and telling me to get a life and leave him alone and get him space.......i hope i didnt ruin my chances at friendship already...

[sweet-oooh]

Yes, my boyfriend was like that before no contact, really nasty, even told me to f**koff. But trust me, if youre not so available to him, let him think you can live without him, he WILL come back.

[confusingdays12345]

thanks for the reassurance....what was your situation though, sweet-oooh? who broke up with who and for what reason? did he want to stop talking and you kept calling/texting/etc? how long did you annoy him and keep trying to talk before you did no contact?

 

he hasn't told me to f-off, but he has told me to get a life, leave him a alone and go away. very hurtful. last night, i had to use everything in me not to im him. oh damn - he just signed on , i'm going to have to use everything in me not to talk to him now as well. it is so hard. i know i should take him off list so i cant see when he is on the computer, but i haven't had the willpoewr to do that yet.

 

i just wish we could be friends. i understand he doesnt want to be wtih me right now. i just wish we could still be close..........he doesntw ant that though even though he's said in past we'd always be close no matter waht.....

 

ughhhhh

 

the fact that i have NO idea what he did last night pisses me off. i keep picturing him with different ones of his female friends (or ones i know he's had small crushes on in past) and wonder if he has kissed anyone new yet.....just thinking about the idea of it makes my stomach hurt.

[sweet-oooh]

Yeah, at one stage i text him around 20 times a day for 3 weeks! and he kept being really mean, like saying things like, get the message, i dont want your texts, and stuff like that. Really hurtful things. He removed me from his contact list online, and in the end i gave up. What i did was i sent him an email to say that i had enough, and that i didnt know if i wanted him anymore, lol yeah it was a big risk to take but i had nothing to lose, and then i did no contact and kept checking my contact list, eventually i saw that hed readded me, then i got an email after 9 days to ask if i wanted to meet. You have to let him see that you can move on without him, trust me it scares the hell out of them! And nobody is more stubborn than him!

[sweet-oooh]

rry, didnt answer your questions, yeah he broke off with me saying he needed space, pretty much the same situation as you, i really belittled myself, begged him to come back! Then i figured i was just scaring him and let him know that i wasnt gonna allow him to talk to me like that anymore, pretended that i was stronger now and that type of stuff.

It really is your best way to do it, remember, if you love something, let it go, if it comes back its yours x

[SadAndLonely]

confusing,

 

I have a simple way for you to keep from IMing him: sign off. Not only will you not be as tempted to IM him, but he won't think you're pathetic for sitting around online. Get up, leave the house, go do something. Sitting around online will only reinforce his current thoughts and make him back off more. Trust me on this one. Even if you stay at home, sign off. Try to stay signed off for the rest of the day.

[confusingdays12345]

thanks so much for sharing your experience.....one thing that is different is that we are currently long distance, so it isnt like he can miss me and say "let's see each other now" - it is easier for him to block me out cause i'm not there and he can't just decide on a whim that he feels like seeing me. so what is your current status? are you still in no contact? or are you back together? or broken up but talking?

 

i really just wish we coudl be broken up but still talking - he's my best friend.

 

this no contact thing is killing me. i know i can't talk to him because it gets me nowhere and he just gets annoyed. i agree that if deep downt he love is strong enough it will work, but i worry he is going to force himself to move on and try to forget about me (cause it is esier to just be iwth someone in same place - rather than do long distance). he has another year left of school (i'm two years older than him).

 

i just dont understand how he can be so mean and not want to talk AT ALL. this is a guy who was crying a few weeks ago in my arms about how we need to do this and it makes him upset too, but that it is for the best for both of us to know for sure what we want.....now it seems like all that was just bull****, so i dont know what to believe. i dont know if he broke up with me with intention of having me later on or if he broke up with me cause he ws sick of relationsihp. at first his reasoning was all nice and now it is just like he doesnt care at all and has no intention of ever getting back together wtih me.

 

last night he was out til like 3 in the morning (i coudl see when he got back online) - this is so unlike him - he's trying to go to all these parties now. one of his close female friends (who he swears he is not itnersted in dating, but i know he thinks she is cute and he's had a crush on her in past) signed on like 5 minutes before him - which means they were out together doing something last night....or i'm reading too much into this, but they signed on within like 5 minutes of each other at 3 in the morning. i'm so paranoid he will start dating her just because she is there and she knows about us and i'm sure he's said mean stuff to her about me recently and she is type that is looking for a boyfriend. the idea of him in a relationship with someone new drives me crazy. i dont care if he wants to be single and date and hookup, but the idea of him in a close relationship is what hurts so much. i almost wish he'd tell me if he were dating someone, that way i could be angry and try to move on....the not knowing is a killer. i know the truth sometimes hurts, but i feel like i always like to know.....

 

the other bad thing is because we are in differnet places i really have no clue what is going on with him. at least when you are in same place, common friends can tell u what is going on....however, i can't really ask any of his friends there now because they are obviously loyal to him. so, i feel like i have absolutely no clue if he's dating, sulking, missing me, badmouthing me, etc.....

 

i just want to hear his voice apolgoize and be civil and say he's sorry for how mean he's been.....i dont expect him to change his mind and want to get back together anytime soon, but i just want him back in my life

[confusingdays12345]

dont worry - it isnt like he sees me sitting at home - usually i have away message up saying i'm not at computer or i'm out or something. he doesnt know if i'm actually there or not. last nigth, i purposely left up my away message after i got home from beign out, so he'd think i was still out at 3 in the morning (even thogh i got home around 130ish). so, i hear you on your advice.....