sweet-oooh Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Yes we are back together, but im different towards him now, im more distant. He sounds very much like my boyfriend though! I think it was the same for him, he didnt want to talk to me at all, and thats because he knew that it would always be more, so what he is saying is that he cant talk to you as a friend yet because he knows it is more than that, thats a good sign. Give him the space he needs, believe me, every day you get through with no contact you will realise just how easy it is, and you'll feel great! Bet you feel like crap after you contact him dont you? i know x Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 sweet-oooh, how long were you two together before the break-up? yes, you are so right - the past two weeks, whenever i initiate contact i end up feeling like crap at the end of it because he makes me feel terrible. 9 days of NC is not a lot though....i know mine will be longer than that - esp cause we are not in same place. the next time he'd possibly consider seeing me probably wouldnt be til june, when he is done with school year and befor ehe goes away for summer.... the problem is that i still have hope that he'll want to see me by then....which makes it hard to move on? how do i keep loving him and move on? it is so hard! i dont want to date anyone else.....i'd rather be on and off wtih him than date someone new..... i dont have msn messenger - i have aol instant messenger..... your boyfriend sounds like my ex.....i mean he is beign SOOOO cold ot me these past two weeks - doesnt care about anything i have to say and tells me he feels no need to share what goes on in his life with me anymore since we are broken up. i dont get how he just turns feelings off. it is like i cling to this image of him here valentine's day weekend when we were sitting on my couch and he was crying as i read a letter to him that i wrote. i just dont get how he can change so drastically. he sent me a card saying one day we'll be otgheter again and now it seems like he seriously wants nothing to do with me. during the NC with your boyfriend, you didnt call him at all? or text or anything? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 no because it was the texting that was pissing him off, so i didnt. But first i stopped texting, then i stopped emailing, and i can tell you i went to bed every night feeling great during that time! Because i knew that every time he checked his emails he was expecting there to be one from me, so i stopped. And eventually he started to wonder, yes weve been together around 18 months, but were at school together. He still wants space sometimes, and we dont see eachother loads, just every couple of weeks, that suits us both, but sometimes he plays a bit, like he wont come online for a few days, wanting me to text, and i dont anymore, he soon comes back! Believe me, you will feel so much better, just do it his way, if he really loves you, and it sounds like he does, then he'll wonder whats happened to you, he wont feel so secure that your there for him, you know, He'll want you more if your less available to him, i dont have aol sorry x Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 How often have you been contacting him? and how? by email, text? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 when we first broke up - a lot (that was early feb) - then i saw him valentine's day and we talked the week following (initiated by both of us). then he started wanting to talk less and i'd keep calling.....i'd text a few times, im him online when i saw him there and call every couple of days......in the past week: i called him tuesday night to say hi, instant messaged him online wed, thurs and fri.....yesterday, we chatted online very briefly - i said i was sorry for bothering him and being rude and that i hope he doesnt hate me. he said he doesnt but wants space and has had enough of me contacting him. that was essentially the convo. i did not contact him at all last night or today. he does not want to hear from me, so i cannot talk to him. i hope i didnt drive him away forever. it makes it so easy for him to be rude cause we are far away in different cities. your story has been so helpful to me - keep the advice coming!!!!!!! when you'd text and call and stuff did he ignore your calls sometimes? was he rude and saying he doesnt want to be with you and doesnt want to talk to you for a while? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 Yeah he was very rude!!! Saying stuff like 2leave me alone, go away" and "get the message, get over it" and if you dont stop i will change my number", and it seemed the more he was rude to me the more i wanted to text and sort it out! You havnt driven him away at all, he wants space, let him have it. I know it is sooo hard, i really do, but while youre chasing him, he will keep running. He knows hes got you, and if something is there for you all the time, it becomes less interesting, let him wonder about you for a few days, hes so used to you contacting him now that if you disappear, hes gonna wonder, right? trust me it will work, i can almost guarantee it. Your story is exactly the same as mine, i thought he hated me sooo much, and now i realise that if they think youre gonna gradually give up, they do start to panic x Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 5, 2005 Share Posted March 5, 2005 What to do next?? If it was me, i would send him an email, saying that your sorry for pissing him off, and that you wont contact him anymore. Thats what i did. And when he reads it he'll think yeah yeah, but stick to it. Believe me, every time he checks his mail, his phone, he'll be expecting a message. Dont contact him, then you will start to see a difference, he'll probably be online more, stuff like that. And if you IM eachother, you be the one to go offline first, dont seem so bothered but dont let him think you dont care anymore. Just say things like, cant chat long my baths running, or gotta go someones at the door, if youre not so bothered, he wont feel the need to run, he'll relax a bit x Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 ok, i'll take that advice, but i dont think he'll be contacting me for a while....a few weeks minimum. i'll give him to my bday at end of month...hopefully by then i'll hear from him. i'm so scared he wont call............how long of NC til i give up hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 5, 2005 Author Share Posted March 5, 2005 im forcing myself to stay busy and go out tonight to have some fun, but all that i can think about right now is what he is doing. i'm pretty sure he is trying to use this time to flirt, have fun, be with other girls - because he feels like being with me for past two years has prevented him from having a real "college experience" - which he equates with having fun at parties, dating, hooking up, etc.... i know he needs to go through this if our relationship is ever to work in the future - i just dont know how much hope to have and how much to tolerate......i'm pretty confident that he won't meet anyone he loves as much as me, but that doesnt mean he wont do stuff with others that i find extremely hurtful and painful to deal with...... i just dont get how for him it is so easy to move on and have fun and i'm FORCING myself to have fun and seriously dont think i'd be interested in dating anybody right now...unless i met someone that i totally fell head over heels for, which is doubtful.... how do i stop myself from thinking about what he is doing on the weekends? i bet that what i imagine is way worse than reality, but still....it kills me not to know what he is up to right now on a saturday night.... advice?!?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 it is saturday night and i want to call him SOOOO badly, but we are in no contact right now and i cannot do it - i knokw i can't. i know he wont even pick up the phone if i do. so, why do i want to even call? i was suppose to go out tonight, but my friend just cancelled last minute....ughhh.....so, now i'm sitting here thinking about stuff and i KNOW i cannot call or email. so, i'm just writing here to vent a bit. i'm so scared that even with no contact he isnt going to call in a few weeeks.....someone give me advice for coping with no contact!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TrueSmiles12 Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 wow. that's all i have to say, confusingdays. you sound EXACTLY like me. my ex-bf and i have been broken up for a little over a month now and all i keep doing is forcing myself to try and move on. we were together for a year or so on and off, which doesn't seem that long, but as his first gf/relationship, it def seemed like a long time. anyways... i'm doing everything you seem to be doing -- wondering if NC will work some sort of wonder, overanalyzing even the slightest of situations with him and other girls, noticing when he's online, trying to force myself not to text him. ugh, i honestly can't believe how identical our situations are. for as long as i've known him/been with him, his primary means of communication has been texting and we were very much of a texting couple - the only person i ever texted was him and vice versa. so now its definitely weird not to have my text alert going off on my phone everyday, but i'm actually starting to get used to it. but i miss it like hell. anyway, we were together for about 6 months when we broke up the first time in the summer, because he found it to be such a difficult task to pick up the phone and call and talk and carry on some sort of relationship during his summer break. but when we broke up then, it was clear that as much as he wanted to be with me and work things out, he just couldn't figure out how, he couldn't figure out how to be himself, doing what he wanted to do, and be with me. to him, making himself happy was separate from making himself happy in a relationship with me. i don't know, he's such a confused person like that -- he doesn't know how to have a relationship. so even when we broke up during the summer, he was the one that wanted to be friends right away, to make sure i didn't hate him and so we wouldn't be on bad terms. and i was the one that insisted to give it time, because it wasn't easy for me to just suppress my feelings for him and just be his friend. so for the remaining of the summer, he would contact me often after i had done NC for a couple of weeks. but it was so confusing because he still didn't know what he wanted, but would talk to me as if we were together. we got back to school (college) and things were so weird, because we would ignore each other and we knew it was the hardest thing for both of us (we were in most of the same classes, same major). then he would always want to talk to me online normally, like friends or whatever, i couldn't tell. online talks led to texts that led to hanging out again that led to getting back together more or less. he still wasn't sure of what he wanted, but the feelings were still there for both of us, so we were together, whatever that entailed. but when things started to get serious again, he ran away. and now, he has broken my heart for a second time. and it feels as if he hates me, that he has no interest in talking to me or contacting me ever again. i say that because the last contact we had was when he texted me with "ur honestly f*ing insane". OUCH. it's definitely the opposite of what happened when we broke up the first time. now i'm the one that's trying everything i can to hold on to even a friendship. i just want him in my life, just like you. and he has been the meanest he's ever been to me, no one has ever been this mean to me. i do not understand why it was so easy for him to walk away this second time and abandon me, then continue kicking me when i'm down. i'm very much still trying to cope with that... Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 We three have identical boyfriends! LOL confusingdays, HE WILL contact you, he is just asking you for space. thats why i said to send the email, then its not like youre ignoring him, and let him see you online but keep it light. You know it makes you feel like crap when you txt him so dont do it. You have to be strong! How long?? well if you give it a time limit, what are you gonna do when that time is up?? Say if you give it 3 weeks, trust me at the end of the 3 weeks you will be feeling much better than you are now so you dont wanna spoil that by then txting him. HE WILL COME TO YOU!!!! I promise you he will. By doing this you are respecting him more, and he's not gonna have any reason to be pissed off with you. Awww i know its sooo hard! ive been there, but please trust me, cos the sooner you start no contact, the sooner this mess will sort itself out x Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Truesmiles, my boyfriend was really rude to me like that too, i dont know how they can be soo rude and yet we still want them. The problem is.. they know we do! Confusingdays, you have to remember, he cant come back until you let him go!! As for advice on how to get through no contact, just take it step by step, hour by hour if you like, and try to keep busy, you will be surprised how easy it gets, i was!! And every hour that passes, keep saying to yourself "that will show him" cos he WILL be wondering, and he WILL feel a little less secure that youre waiting around for him. And WHEN he contacts you, he'll respect you soo much more x Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 i know both of you are right, but it is sooo hard. last time i spoek on phone to him was tuesday and we had a brief exchange online early in the day friday. so, i haven't been in touch wtih him all weekend. i'm so scared it is going to take so long for him to contact me......i feel like if i dont hear from him by my bday (end of month) - i'm going to end up calling him...is it reasonable to exepct that he acknowledge my birthday in some way? i'll be really upset if he doesnt. as for truesmiles situation, sounds very similary. first we were friendly, then he turned mean and all i did was wonder if there is someone else, but when i've asked him he says there is not - and that he just wants to be single, hookup, have fun - not be in a nother relationship right now. he's online now and it kills me not to talk to him....luckily he has away message up so i dont feel tempted. the problem is that we both use instant messenger a lot. i use it to talk to a lot of other friends adn family as well, so i dont want to just stop using it because of him..... i'm not even hoping/looking to get him back as a boyfriend right now. i know he needs space and time to experience other things to know whether or not he wants to be with me for sure - the relationship was getting too serious and intense for our age and i think he got scared he would be locked in (we'd talked about marriage, future etc). at this point, i am just hoping for being bakc in each other's lives as friends in a month or so.....to talk once in a while about our lives and stuff.....how do i make this happen!??!!? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 Just take it slow. He needs time to miss you, and he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 i know he needs time to miss me..i guess i just wonder why whenever i see him online i have to force myself to not want to talk to him....and i wonder if it is the same for him, or if it is easy and he just doesnt care right now..... i mean there is no way to know if he is having hard time as well...i've known him 3 years and we've been together 2.....how can he just shut me out so easily after ALL that time? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 6, 2005 Share Posted March 6, 2005 i dont like to say it confusingdays, but well he knows youre having a hard time not contacting him right? re hes asked you not to, so he knows youre finding it hard, forgive me if im wrong, but it sounds like he might be teasing you a little, you know for his ego. Cos i mean, if he didnt want you to IM him, he could block you so you cant see him online, thats what my boyfriend did, and then when he unblocked me it meant he was ready to talk. Sounds cruel i know, but some guys are like that! Stay calm and DONT contact him! let me know how it goes x Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 6, 2005 Author Share Posted March 6, 2005 he JUST contacted me......he said hi to me online....i was like, "that was a short month" (since he said he didnt want to talk for a month or so). he said he misses me a lot. i played it very cool and acted like all was well here. we talked briefly about stuff going on and i ended convo by saying i had to go meet friends for coffee..... should i have ignored him completely? i definitely did not act all that into the convo and acted like i was doing just fine advice!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 7, 2005 Author Share Posted March 7, 2005 he broke no contact - we talked today..he misses me...now what? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 7, 2005 Share Posted March 7, 2005 you did great!! no you shouldnt ignore him, let him be the one who comes to you. Feels good huh??? and like i said, it dosnt tske them long, well done x Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 7, 2005 Author Share Posted March 7, 2005 maybe it is artificial reason, but i feel so much better now that he has contacted me and said he missed me....even if nothign is different and he doesnt want to get back together...shows he is upset/thikning about me.... so, i'm not going to contact him unless he talks to me..... willpower! still annoying though Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 also, when we chatted the other day he kpet saying things like how he was looking at pics of us and it brought back so many memories....and how good i looked in the pictures....and how he coudlnt sleep cause he was thinking of me... i dont get why he says all this if he doesnt want to get back together and is "happy" with his decision. he says he's sorry if he's confusing me, but he can't help his feelings and knows that it might be mean of him to say all this stuff to me since his mind is still set on being broken up...however he also said the door is not totally closed for future.....but for a while he needs space..... he claims not to know if and when he'd want to see me again (we are in dif cities, so we can't just decide on a whim to see each other or meet for coffee or something). i dont know what to make of all this. i mean, i'm happy he misses me and stuff.....so in that respect i'm glad i didnt ignore him bedcause then i wouldnt have heard him say all this.... i know he loves me and misses me and cares about me more than anyone - and he doesnt deny this. however, he also feels like he (and we) are young and that he needs his college experience (i'm two years older so done wtih school). i feel like he needs time to do his own thing, date others to see i'm the one he KNOWS he wants....or should he already know that fter 2 years wtih me.....i dont know.... on the one hand, i think he should know....but on other hand, i know i've had doubts at times cuz the distance and different place in life makes it hard and we had mutually talked about breaking up, but i never really wanted to even though i sometimes thought we should for both our sake's to make sure this is what we want.... so i see where he is coming from, even though i dont really feel the same way right now and want to be together....although, i dont think i'd take him bakc now if he changed mind cause i wouldnt trust he was sure....it would take some time to make sure he knows what he really wants...even though i want him more than anyone/anything... any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
sweet-oooh Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 confusing days you did great! And isnt it sooo much nicer when he contacts you?? Ok, now he didnt HAVE to speak to you online right? he wanted to. I think you should keep it like that for a while, let him come to you when he wants to talk, that way, hes gonna feel more relaxed, and lol you'll probably get to speak to him more now cos youre not "annoying" him. And hey, as for all the other stuff, try not to look too far into the future, concentrate on one day at a time. I know its hard, but i also know that we feel better when we dont keep on at them, kinda feel more respected. Youre doing great girl! Keep it up x Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 8, 2005 Author Share Posted March 8, 2005 yeah you are so right - i should just let him contact me...i made one small mistake though...i won an 100 dollar achievement award at work today and i emailed him to tell him - cause i was excited. very short email. he emailed me back congrats. not a big mistake -cause it wasnt like ic alled to talk or discuss us - i feel like i'll only keep it casual and not initiate conversation online or on hpone...so hard though!!! any more advice? basically, waht do you do when someone loves you and misses you but wants space/breakup and you dont know if it is indefinite or only for a few months? for all i know he can change his mind in a month, 5 months or a year.... ughhh Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 It is possible for him to realize his mistakes, and may want to get back. But based on experience, and other people's stories, sometimes, it's too late for that. He may today, 1 month later, 1 yr, or 5 year later, or never.. the question, is are you willing to sit there and wait for him for some sort of happiness that may never happen? That is your decision to make.. Link to post Share on other sites
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