4everyours Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 all i can say is that im going thru the same thing... i hate uncertainity.... its like if he would just say ok yes its over forever instead of well "sometimse i can see us getting back togehter down the line".. even though thats weak that im hanging onto those words...but we are torturing ourselves just like that last readers response says... i really think that downt he line they will realize what they lost. its just amatter of whether or not we will want to give them another chance. which i know you think well of course but you know... its been 2 mos for me and im starting to get to the pissed stage. i went thru the same thing i never knew if i wanted to be with him 100% but this is defintely showing me that. and they have to know that too.. the time is the only thing on our defense with this.. its such a crummy situation because we want them to hurry up but that does distance them.. so you have to leave them alone. its been 2 weeks now since ive spoken to my ex and everyday that i get ready to pick up the phone i say to myself im strong enuf ive made it this long.. i want him to miss me... and u CAN DO THE SAME... and as far as other peoples situations... ive heard of many including a best freind who the guy broke up with her for 6 mos.. and it took him dating someone else for him to know for sure he wanted her back and now their engaged... its just a matter of if its what God wants. no matter how much we want it or wonder... It will only work out if hes truely our soulmates and God is the only one who knows this for sure.. Hang in there I am miserable too.. i wake up almost crying immediately every morning. thats sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 20, 2005 Author Share Posted March 20, 2005 thanks so much! your advice has been great.... i know - i always end up feeling worse when i call and he doesntw ant to talk or is rude.... we are young and he's younger than me. i'm 23 and he's only 21 - so, even my paretns and close friends understand where he is comign from and tell me that i should understand that he is not ready for the commitment and serious nature of our relationship at this point (since we've been together 2 years - and have known each other longer). they tell me it is better for him to do this now than at some point down the line after we've been together even longer.... i know that if it is meant to be it will be. the thing is that we are not in same place - he has one more year left of school in a different city. i just worry that he'll be with someone else over me becuase she is there and i'm not....and that he'll use that new person to move on and try to forget about me and us.....i dont know....maybe i should be happy because if he does decide he wants me back by the time he graduates he will be more sure about us and what he wants. at the same time, it just sucks becuase i know what i want....him. we had both spoken about how we can see each other together for the rest of our lives...he even told me that he knows the spot he would propse to me at......so we've talked about the future. and i guess i just want to know when the chance of a future is out of the picture because as of now i feel like the possibility is still there....so i cling to it....and i worry i wont know if and when that changes. i just hope he is honest about me and tells me if the door is still open or if it is closed and he's met someone he loves more......i feel like he at least owes me that courtesy...... when your friend's boyfriend broke up for 6 months, what was his reason? did they talk during that time? did they fight? did he tell her they might have a future together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 20, 2005 Author Share Posted March 20, 2005 4everyours, what is your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 25, 2005 Author Share Posted March 25, 2005 haven't posted in a while...update: the ex left to go away a week ago - i called to wish him good trip..he got annoyed that i called and said he didnt feel like talking...he leaves to go away (overseas). after he's away for four days, i get an email saying hi...he also says he didnt forget my bday which is the following day. then on my bday he emails me twice and says he is going to call. i just respond and say ok. he calls - i dont answer (cause i really dont want to talk to him cause he has been treating me like crap). he leaves voicemail. he says he'll try me again and imust still be in work. he then emails and tells me he'll try to stay up til i get home from work (cuz it was late where he was due to time difference). at this point i feel badly, so i email him and say i just got home and missed his call....but he can reach me on my cell. he calls....he tells me all about his trip and is very chatty. i act like all is well, which it kind of is - as i was getting ready to go out for drinks wiht friends for my bday that night. he says, "miss you, love you" - i dont respond and just continue conversation....i'm very casual and non-emotional. i joke around with him that i hope he's at least having some fun with the ladies, now that he's single. he says he hasnt done anythign with anyone there. so we chat for about 10-15 minutes. he says tells me i'm acting weird. i say no i'm not. he's like yes you are. he asks if i'm seeing someone or hooking up with someone or something and i say that is none of his business and i thought we werent talking about that stuf...he says, i told u i havent done anything on vacation..i said - first of all, doesnt mean i have to tell u. second of all, i dont even know whether or not to belive what you say at this point....we then go back to talking about his vacation.....then again he starts saying he really misses me and loves me. again i dont say it back and instead i tell him that obviously he doesnt love me and miss me as much as much as he says cause he doesnt want to be with me and i say this in annoyed tone....cause at this point i am jsut really frustrated...obviously i love hearing him say that i sooooo wanted to say it back, but i wouldnt let myself. for weeks i've been saying it to him and he says we arent allowed to say that stuff anymore and that i need to stop and he even said he doesnt love me in the same way anymore, etc... so, on the phone, he tells me that he cant believe i'm starting a fight when he has been so nice and gone out of his way to call from overseas late at night to say happy bday and he's being nice, etc....he says he doesnt have to put up with this crap and hangs up the phone on me. i was obviously annoyed and uspet- cuz i didnt intend to start a fight. i sent him a short email just to say i wasnt angry or mad and didnt mean to start a fight, but it is just frustrating and hurtful to hear him say taht stuff because i'm trying to move on and stop loving him and missing him because it hurts too much to feel that for a person who says they dont want to be with you. he responded briefly via email saying he understands and that he hopes i had a fun birthday... what do i make of all this? oh, i also got a postcard from him in the mail... why is he doing all this? why the i love yous and i miss yous?/? Link to post Share on other sites
DeaconFrost Posted March 27, 2005 Share Posted March 27, 2005 Forget it. Who cares why he is doing what he is doing. You can't keep buying in to his head games. Like I said before: leave the mental trauma alone. It's too much drama. From what I'm getting out of your post, it sounds like he is trying to spin this on you again. Yeah, its cool that he called you on your birthday and this and that, but what are you supposed to do? Bow down to him and praise him for making a courteous gesture? The LEAST he could have done is call you. You did good to brush him off and hold back your emotions. Give yourself a pat on the back! Here's the simple solution: Quit with the games. Tell him if he loves you, then do something about, damnit! Otherwise, tell him to quit wasting your time and move on. You've got better things to do with your time then deal with a guy who is either indecisive or likes to screw with your emotions. Save yourself all the time and effort. Get off the merry-go-round! Link to post Share on other sites
MindKandy Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 I agree with Deacon Frost, get off of the merry go round. Things are only going to stay this way, unless you change it. It's obvious that he doesn't want things to change, blaming you for starting a fight. Well, you know what, it takes two to fight. Someone has to be the mature one and say no more. He owed it to you to call you on your birthday. I know that it's so hard to think and wonder what he's doing away from you. But is he thinking about you? Is he honestly? You need to put yourself first before him. If he is the one, than it will happen, it will all work out in the end. But if he's not, if it doesn't work out, than someone better will come along. Link to post Share on other sites
iwishiknewthen Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 Dear Confusingdays I really feel for you. I know how special this person is to you. Your words echoed, so many things I have said and felt inside, in my own situation. Sadly my situation didnt work out. I was in a long distance relationship too. To sum things up..he was a lot younger, i am older, he wanted to get married. i wasnt ready i was scared and weighing things. now i wish he were back in my life to to merely say hi or goodbye. that would make me very happy. but hes getting married and he wont even so much as do that. so i wish i knew then what i know now. some of my situation is a lot different from yours, but the bottom line is this. i was treated the exact same way as you are being treated. friendship on his terms , blah blah blah, after being knee deep in the relationship for 5 years. i thought OMG, how can i settle for this. why is this happening? how can he expect me to denounce all human dignity and accept going down on the scale of priorites after having something so deep and so rich. i thought , no way would he ever leave this very special unique relationship we have shared all these years. (especially since we were in many ways co-dependant on each other ) getting one another through our downtimes in life and sharing all the good times..and dreaming the dream of being together. but it did happen. i was dispensible. i am not trying to depress you, trust me. i wish i could save you from this possible same ill fate. no matter the age differences we have etc., the bottom line can be the same. I am glad I found this forum. i hope some of my information can help you in any way : ) 1. if you have a purpose and you strive for a good outcome, you cant be delusional, but you HAVE TO THINK POSITIVE, and stay on the course of your goal. 2. I know you want him in your life with peace , harmony and fairness, but it may take giving in a little bit, not getting the fairness at first. and trying it his way for a bit. ( i know he is unfair and selfish ), but if you want him, you may have to step back a little and bite the bullet. it's awful i know. this means telling yourself, this is my goal (in the end i want him back where he will hear me and will compromise with me) but in order to do that i have to give him his space now, and NOT talk about "us" and dont sabatoge my plan, even if it means swallowing my pride for just a little ..to try to get that accomplished. BUT.................. 3. in order not to go nuts doing this, i have to have a time-line on how far i will go. circle a date on a calender and before this day comes (give it a few months)... 4. try to seriously bite your tongue and just have small chit chat with him when HE calls. you ........... 5. dont have to sit around waiting for him to call, you can do things interesting so when he does call (and he will ....more and more as he begins to feel safer and safer to) you will have some cool stories to tell him. ... 6. make yourself more interesting BUT NEVER make him really jealous of any guy. 7. i know its hard, you can be yourself , but, dont sound too mad or upset when he calls. tell him it was nice hearing from him. but make it casual sounding... 8. when he does something nice or says something nice, dont challenge him just say something like . thats cool appreciate it.. 9. because then..you encourage him to make you happy because hes recognized for it. 10. as you are doing this and NOT calling him, tell yourself i can do this and i will turn this around and trust that. if you question it all the time or play tug-of-war with yourself with internal dialog, you will quit and never see the whole thing through fruition. you have to constantly tell yourself. this is temporary i dont have to indulge him much longer. i am not talking about kissing his &&*. i am talking about remaining calm and focused to your purpose. to get him back and to treat you with dignity you so deserve. but sometimes you have to regain his trust, encourage how to treat you and acknowledge when he does do something nice. that doesnt mean you should be happy for any crumb he gives when you are looking for a whole loaf of bread. (love) but you have to give him a recipe to work with lol. 11. long story short, guys hate being nagged. you have to reel them in with trust and easing up sometimes. if they are worth it, they will notice your efforts and cut you some slack and show you appreciation back. but it takes time and you need to know what a comfortable time line is for you and stick to it. but be realistic . change on both parts doesnt come over night. sometimes you have to practically train them. (if any guy read this i am in trouble yeah i said train) train them to see you are not the enemy. 12. BUT if they talk horrible to you and abuse your kindness, just say..sorry i have to go. i tried to be nice, talk to you when you can treat me with some respect. then i will listen to anything you want to say. 13 keep cool all the time. show them the prize you are. they will see what they will lose. you have to let them feel foolish when they hang up if they act horrible. 14. i like that you told your boyfriend the friendship feels one way. it is now. thats a fact. you should be upset that you said that. BUT dont attack or question everything and... 15 keep busy for real. fake it till you make it when talking to him, but for real get out. 16. i pray and ask god for guidance. 17 dont let too many people make you hate him more or you will act as erratic as he is. 17. when he gets too erratic, tell him hey its been so good hearing from you again but i have to go do something and i am running late. try not to fight. if you 18 dont see improvement ..gradual over time...at least you know, 19 you gave it your best shot at staying with your purpose (to get him back with teaching him how to respect you by respecting him too) and you wont have to say to yourself i wish i did this or i wish i did that. i think no contact is very good. the ONLY way when someone treats you this way. try to think of it like this....(A) NC (B) he calls you are friendly busy happy, dont talk about us, dont ask questions © show appreciation for the little things he does. Always do that guys do like that. and be consistent over time so he takes your behavior seriously. and before you know it. if hes a decent guy deep down inside (and the real him will come out) he will say hes sorry and mean it and make you a priority not an option. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 29, 2005 Author Share Posted March 29, 2005 thanks for that GREAT post! i need to add a short update, though...so friday night he called me from overseas - slightly drunk...he went on and on about how much he misses me and thinks about me loves me. he then said he has to be honest iwth me and the he kissed two random girls on vacation and someone else back at school before he left. says he doesnt like any of them - just wants to experience single and has no intention of dating the girl back at school and has told her. he says he doesnt want a girlfriend. said over and over again he loves me so much, etc, etc.....then i think he might forget the convo cause he was drunk, so i send him brief email saying i got confusing phone call from him and reiterate what he told me and said i hope he rememberes. he emailed me back the next day saying he remembers, he still loves me and not to worry...then said he doesnt appreciate that i seem to judge his behavior because i said something along the lines like i feel like i'm talking to a different person (with all his random kissing of women). he said he's 21 and should be able to experience all this without fear of having someone he loved, still loves and may share his life with one day lose respect for him or not love him. i told him i undrestand what he is going through, but obviously i'm allowed to judge his actions during this time period/and for how long it goes on to see if i want to even get back togehter if he decides he wants me back... then last night he gets home from being away. we chat online. he says he is unpacking and he'll call me later. i of course wait for phone to ring. it doesnt. i get really pissed off only becuase he said he'd call. i send him email and call his voicemail and just say it is rude to say he'll call and not call. otherwise i wouldnt have cared if he called or not. he calls at 7 am this morning saying he fell asleep cause of jetlag and just woke up with his clothing on and got my message and felt badly so he's calling....we chatted for like 15 minutes. again he says love you. i say it back. last month he got mad if i said love you. now he says it. also says he misses me and wants to see me so badly, but knows we shouldnt. also says a lot of inappropriate stuff that you probalby wouldnt say to an ex that you didnt like....he also asks me if i've kissed anyone else, etc....i respond honestly that i have not - and say i've just been on dates and danced with guys when out this weekend.... he's saying all this stuff about loving me, missing me, etc....implying we might end up together down the line, etc...and this obviously makes me happy toh ear, but not really happy cause i dont have him NOW in the way i want....and i know he'll need to go through this for a while -at least til next year when he has to decide where to be/what to do after school.... so what do i do in the meantime? take his calls and listen to this? talk to him and carry on? shut him out? Link to post Share on other sites
DeaconFrost Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 Seems like a lot of emotional drama to go through, to me. A relationship shouldn't be this difficult. You shouldn't have to trick or convince someone that they are screwing up. If it is true and pure in one's heart they should already know this and they should choose to love or return (for the right reasons) on their own volition. I don't suspect he'll change...read earlier in the post. He's done this to her before. The guy doesn't know what he wants and he won't for quite some time. She doesn't deserve this kind of drama. The pain will be THREE TIMES as bad when she realizes that its not going to go anywhere and she's wasted so much energy. On top of that, who's to say that he won't do this again to her in the future? confusingdays, RUN!!!!!! Maybe I'm being cynical here and of course you have to use your own judgement, but I say that you should leave this situation and never look back. God bless you for trying so hard to find a solution, but I think your effort is deserved elsewhere by someone is ready to accept and love you NOW! I believe that there are numerous "ones" out there for each and everyone of us. Go out and find the next that matches you better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 29, 2005 Author Share Posted March 29, 2005 he's 21 and i just turned 24 an di think he's just scared of what we had (two years and knew each other longer) - each other's first loves...he pursued me and told me he sees himself marrying me...even now he says he can see us together downt he line, but he needs his space, freedom, etc now to know for sure what he really wants... i know deep down he does love me and miss me....the question is whether or not it will work out or not in future.... Link to post Share on other sites
iwishiknewthen Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 my point exactly confusing. he "IS" young. very young. so its near impossible to expect this to be the end of the road for him. all you want is for him to be HONEST. and personally i think he is being honest. he says he doesnt want to be tied down now. he says he is interacting with other girls. why he is doing this you can LIVE WHILE YOU WAIT, instead of waiting to live! but if you want ANY chance of getting him back and him NOT doing this again. you can say to him ..."look this is your chance, another girl night not ever give you this chance. but i love you and rather you have your head together when you chose me" (speak positive like _of course you WILL chose me because i am the best there is ) you fear you will lose him over someone if you condone or allow it to happen. you dont have to agree with him but in a sense since he is demanding this time out, there is little you can do. the other choice is like deacon said. run. and let him know this is something you cant handle and you want or serious one on one relationship or bust. no one can predict how it will turn out. i dont think treating someone a certain way is playing games necessarily. some good males who dont know what they want can seriously come to appreciate the support they get from us. (not to cross lines and become self seeking immoral rats) but maybe you guys will end up together when you grow older. but you cant force the hand. all you can do is take a stand to LIVE WHILE YOU WAIT, and try to have faith in yourself as a worthy person he will come back to (if hes smart). and you are entitled to give him a deadline. 1 year 2 3 etc. or say i will take it a year at a time but i can't promise you i will be here. BUT i will respect your wishes to be free. hopefully he will see what a GIFT that is. and that is what i mean by train him. not have him walk all over you but let him know what GIFT you give him by respecting this time hes going thru. in the inside you will cringe, but if you are wise, besides the option to run, you will LIVE while you wait. you are entitled to let him know that that you value your heart, sanity and physical health above all, and that you can chose and will chose to not one intimate with him if he becomes physical with someone else in a way that would EVERRRRRR jeopardize your health. i dont care how long you are apart, and he comes back, if you chose intimacy with him, have him get tested as part of the deal (actually tested more than once) and if he cant handle that part of the deal you cant ever be with him. you can be his friend for now, but not at your expense of your personal happiness and freedom. you dont need to fight with him, when you make a deal with him to be a friend. being a friend after being more than that is HARD work. plus in the beginning it will be a one sided friendship because he doesnt want to be convinced in getting back with you or told what to do or, questioned. so he always has the option to run if he doesnt get what he wants. so that truly means biting the bullet to some degree. its a sacrifice most people cant make. stepping back and letting go is VERY hard. i personally failed at it. i had to keep opening my moth and saying i dont like this or that but but but and finally he shut me out and now is engaged. but if i knew then what i know now i would have handled it like a champ and lived happily as possible while waiting. (i know its hard to be happy when your happiness was spending time with him) but its that or BUST like deacon fost says. and like that other guy/girl said lu.......? something? they will run further away the more you stalk them or bother them or complain. you can out fox him. but you have to be true to it, consistent, strong, confident and be living somewhat so you dont cave. YOU can do it. i want to see you win! good luck. ps. winning can be walking away too. but there really is no in-between............... Link to post Share on other sites
snoop_dawg22 Posted March 29, 2005 Share Posted March 29, 2005 Only God knows if it will work out in the future. I think everyone that has replied to your posts are on the same page. I know that right now you're blinded by love. But you need to step back and really look at your relationship with him. There's a lyric to a song that says. If it's love then it should hurt this bad. I think he's playing you and you're letting him. He's 21 and I think he just wants to be free to do whatever and you should grant him that opportunity. Sure he'll call and say he misses and loves you. He's keeping you in his grip. So whenever he feels he needs you he can come running and you will accept that. What to do in the meantime? Focus on you. Your life should not revolve around the wheter he loves you or not. He was the one to break things off. I personally think that he knows that he can do what he wants to you and get away with it. But there will come a point when you've had enough and then I think that there will be no chance of reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 29, 2005 Author Share Posted March 29, 2005 may main question is how long do i give it? we seem to be on ok terms...by ok i mean that we are casually talking, he's friendly and sweet....he admits that he's hooking up wtih some girl and admits he's not interested in dating her at all - and she doesnt compare to me.....it seems he just wants to play the field a little (maybe for an ego boost or something)....he says he just wants to have fun , no relationship and that he has even told this new girl that.....says there is no chance in hell he'd date her..... so i play it all cool....and to be honest, it isnt playing it cool cause i dont care....i dotn care how many girls he kisses - but i care if he cares for another one like he did for me....i'd be more upset to see him in a relationship than playing the field, so i'm fine with this right now. i kind of like having a sense of what is going on and that he was honest about stuff with me....makes me feel like i'm still first in his heart - and that his reason for breaking up wtih me was true. he doesnt want a relationship now. he wants fun, single, be young and see how it is to be 21 and free rather than tied down with me in a serious relationship. so, i trust him on that (i know anythign could happen and he could meet someone he actually really likes, but right now i dont think he's looking for that...) so, he has two more months of this crap at school (with this girl or others) and then he goes away for the summer (overseas) - and i'm sure he'll have his fun there....and then he has one more year of school (i'm done with school). in the fall he'll have to start thinking about after school and what he wants (we had previously talked about being togehter after school, etc). i dont know that i can take this for another year....but i know i can deal with this if in the fall we could talk about how we see things for us.....i feel like in my head i'd need the fall to be the deadline for really reevaluating what our deal is and if there is any chance ot make it work when he graduates or not....and then if he says no, it will be oever....because we wont be in same place for next year or the following year if we dont make an effort to be.... when i say wait it out, i dont mean sit here single and not dating....i mean wait it out in terms of still having it in my mind that this could work....it is not delusional as he has told me he may very well want to marry me, but he will never know that for sure until all this is out of his system and he figures out what he wants cause we are both young...and it isnt like i'm rushing to get married - trust me i'm not.....but i feel like if we got back together it would be to try this for real with the hopes o making it work into the future and seeing what happens.... the basic question is how long do you wait in your heart for osmeone who may be the lvoe of your life? how long is too long? Link to post Share on other sites
iwishiknewthen Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 confusingdays ..you sound like you have a good head on your shoulder. you sound like you communicate well too. i think you are doing everything possible to give this a shot. and because of that fact, "IF" it doesnt work out, you can at least say to yourself, i did my best. and not live in regret not trying to save this relationship. you can say i tried to let him grow a little. just remember you cant try everything at once because then you cant succeed at one thing. try one plan at a time and stick to it. you will look erratic and will be inconsistent if you dont. put 100% into it to succeeding. meaning n/c and when he calls you just be friends for now. call me crazy, but i tend to agree with you that this guy is young and will resent it if he doesnt sow its oats a little bit now in life. seriously i am glad youre not with him. its safer if hes feeling this way. (because it will come out one way or the other) i would take the time aspect of HOW LONG in increments. first say to yourself....3 months, then evaluate how you feel by then, then go another 3 months, etc. but take care of yourself. dont obsess with thoughts of him especially negative or he will detect that. negative attitudes come up in conversation, etc. and before you know it you two will be at each others throats again. i am not saying to take his crap. i am just saying if you make a real effort to let him go a bit, i will nearly bet you have a better chance of getting him back fully in the end. this doesnt mean be a doormat. but you have to be realistic, he is saying i need to go for now. so the best you can do is let him go and let him know, you still care and support this time in his life but you cant guarantee you will be available at any given point. mean what you say and be up front with him from the start tell him its hard to hide hurt or pain and that you are not perfect so sometimes you may not be so happy with things, but you are willing to try. and also warn him that you cant promise him YOU wont meet someone else in the meantime. to answer your question directly. i say give it time in increments and you be the judge every 3 months or so. but overall he may need a year or two. he IS young, in the grand scheme of things and we mature faster as woman and you are already older than him. be smart. who knows maybe he will be your hubby someday. be strong. trust in yourself as a desirable person. and really go out and have fun since this can be your down-time too. i know its not fun not being with him. just fake it till you make it and let go and let god. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 Originally posted by confusingdays12345 the basic question is how long do you wait in your heart for osmeone who may be the lvoe of your life? how long is too long? Don't wait at all. Move on. If he comes back in one month or ten years, judge *then* if you want him. But don't hold a candle for him in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Share Posted March 31, 2005 i wishiknew then - thanks so much for your insight. i really thiikn i'm following what you've been saying. it seems better than NC and being rude/fighting. we've been very friendly and chatty past few days. and his comfort level talking to me has increased. and he seems very honest. and he has been initiating contact. so things are ok...not good, but ok... ok is better than bad Link to post Share on other sites
iwishiknewthen Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 i hope so confusingdays. it hurts so bad to lose someone you love or simply love as a friend, who has been in your life for so long. its shocking sometimes. its hard to toss it all to the wind without giving it one decent committed shot. its so difficult dealing with a person who wants to take time out or move on, i know. thats why you have to be extra strong and step back a bit. if there is a chance or something worth salvaging as a friend i would try for awhile. just try not to get stuck or caught up in looking to see where he is at, or reading away messages etc. because that only gets you all worked up again, telling yourself negative things in your head and then defeats the whole purpose because your bad feeling will bleed over to him. like i said be honest and tell him you are not perfect, but you are gonna try to step back and let go. and then keep busy and dont worry that he will forget you. if he really loves you even as a friend he wont forget you. it sux but be nice try to keep a cool head. say you will be committed to this for a few months and then take it from there. if you cant hack it then tell him so after that time period you gave yourself and see what compromise this is if any after that. i am just glad he still opening up to you somewhat and you still have a friend. even if its an odd friendship and you deserve more. it can turn back into more if he comes around. you dont have to wait all your life. please dont. just a few months..reevaluate and then see how you feel by then. meantime be strong, get out and dont obsess with him. its hard i know, but you will be so much better off if you dont and can then stay the course, without too much negativity. i hope this works for u. just a;lways remember dont wait to live, live while you wait. (just live safe and smart and with hope in your heart) : ) Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 Well, it's not exactly what I was recommending - I was thinking more NC - but if it is working for you, that's great. Keep us posted as things develop. Romeo Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Share Posted March 31, 2005 i dont know...so confused. he called yesterday afternoon. we chatted. i called/imed him last night and he seems to get somewhat annoyed saying everything he gives an inch, i want a yard and things escalate beyond friends.....i mean, he's the one that broke up with me and still says he loves me....is that what friends do? i want to be able to shut him out so badly and not give a ****, but i dont think i can. so instead i'm this person he lvoes that hs here when he needs me and i dont get the same in return (other than once in a while hearing him admit he loves me and misses me). he also says he wants to see me really badly, but we shouldnt - and that it isnt the right thing to do since we are broken up (we are in dif places). so i dont even know when i'll ever be able to see him again, even as a friend..... i know he needs his time and space.....i just dont understand how he can love me this much and hurt me so much....and i dont understand how i'm suppose to deal with it..... Link to post Share on other sites
DeaconFrost Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 I just don't see the point in waiting (in mind, heart, whatever) at all. This guy is clearly stringing you along. Why would you settle for that? Why would you torment yourself wondering what he is thinking or doing. Why would you spend your time wondering how long it will take (if ever) for him to get his act together. I don't care what your approach is, while you still are partial to him and talking to him you are only leaving yourself open for more pain and hurt. No matter how removed you try to be, unless you cut it lose you will always be hurting. That's the nature of the human mind when it comes to loss. I'm not trying to wish you ill will, but come on! This guy is not going to change anytime soon. Why would he? What is his incentive? You give him what ever he wants, when he wants it. You are his emotional doormat. What the hell would you want to be doing anyway with a guy who TELLS YOU TO YOUR FACE that he is kissing other women. Why would you settle for mediocrity? I don't know why everyone magically thinks he is going to wake up one day and just decide he was being silly. No way! Its more likely that if he does come back he will emit the same behavior again anytime he wants to because he knows that you'll just take him back. Its not a phase he is going through...that is just who he is right now. Life is the only thing that changes people and life takes a long time to work itself out. Stop being a hostage. How about taking care of you? Why is that so far fetched? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who feels they can bail whenever? You still could have given him space and time to be on his own without breaking up. If he really wanted to be with you, he would have stuck it out and worked through the difficult times in his life WITH YOU. If he felt that you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, wouldn't he work out a solution with you? Would he really risk losing you if he truly felt that way? Everyone is missing the whole key element here. HE WANTS TO BE WITH OTHER WOMEN!!!!! Look, I'm trying to save you from getting hurt. There is no sense in prolonging this masquerade. Go out and find someone else that loves you no matter what the hard times are. You need a LIFE partner. If things work out in five years that perfect! I'm happy for you. But the sooner you forget about him and move on the better Think with your head, not your heart...Take care Link to post Share on other sites
DeaconFrost Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 I just read your last post confusingdays. This is exactly what I'm talking about. This cycle is going to keep perpetuating itself until YOU choose to stop with the madness! Frankly, I'm shocked this guy keeps throwing himself into the lion's den too. He keeps diving in thinking that you are just going to magically turn off the "love switch" and magically put your feelings aside so that you can be friendly and operate the way HE wants to. Jeez, it just proves that he's young! Women can't just turn their feelings on and off the way guys can. He keeps setting himself up for grief too! Ugh! Please stop with this. I can tell that it is hurting you and I hate to see that happen to people who seem to be very sweet and caring on the inside (even if it is only through text ) . Look, your 23 right? You got your whole life ahead of you. Find the one who is going to make you jitter all over and stay that way. And hey, if your attractive and anywhere near Chicago...maybe I can help you get your mind off of him Hehe... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusingdays12345 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Share Posted March 31, 2005 ha ha to your last line....no, but he's actually in chicago :-) but what if this is just a phase he is going through? i dont think he is looking for another relationship..i thikn he just wants time to have his fun and be youg nad single and not tied down..... he still admits he loves me, misses me and may very well want to be with me again in future, but that he needs to go through this now... really hard to move on when u are in love with someone and they say they stil luv u.. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 There will be a time - trust me There will be a time..when weather he loves you or not..you wouldnt want to be with him anymore.. A real quality man knows how to treat his woman! And suddenly you will want to be with someone knows how to value you when he sees u. You will realize that...and suddenly you will not be able to take him back even if he does come back. you will feel guilty for feeling for what you are feeling but then you will remember the hard times with him and you wont feel guilty anymore... also remember this, if you dont respect yourself - no one will! no one will... you will one day just want as a friend and nothing more even if he does come back...... because there is a handsome on a white horse out there and deep inside you believe in him... and will wait for him... Link to post Share on other sites
emotionsmessmeup Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 which man lets the love of his life get away anyway..even if it for a few months? Link to post Share on other sites
iwishiknewthen Posted March 31, 2005 Share Posted March 31, 2005 deaconfrost -you really do give some good advise!! i can really understand why you would say all you have said. she probably would be much better off throwing her hands up in the air. seriously i do think she can do much better than him. and its the best idea to take care of herself and find someone worthy of her and who wants her in the here and now. but if you dont try everything you can you live in regret , trust me. most woman do. i think its better sometimes to just take alittle time out to know you have done all you can. it gives you greater peace of mind in the end. helps the healing too. and there really can be a chance it will turn around. the only thing confusing is-- DONT be the one to call him (if you still want contact). he has to call you. seek you out. and you dont have to always be available to him. just keep being your attractive self, and dont let him bring you down and in that way alone , you will be doing your best. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
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