Friendship confusion

[Annie93]

So, this guy and I (I'm a girl) have been friends for about a year and a half. He and I are actually very close. I fell in love with him a long time ago, but he did not reciprocate. But he was afraid of losing me and my friendship. So we stayed close friends, and have actually gotten to the point of being best friends now.

 

He hasn't dated anyone, and neither have I, in the time we've known one another. Also, we are not having sex (neither of us have sex, because we're both Christians and unmarried. Yes, it's difficult.)

 

But he has been VERY clear that he is not interested in more than friends with me. And I have totally respected that. But a few months ago we had a bit of a fight because even though he and I have talked about it and we are on the same page, he felt uncomfortable with my attention because he thought it meant that I still had feelings for him.

 

Which I did. And do. And always will. But I told him when we had our argument (several months ago) that I don't see him that way anymore, and that I consider us just friends, and that we ARE just friends, and that we've already talked about it and that there are no misunderstandings anymore.

 

He thanked me for reassuring him of that, because he said he was nervous that he might have been leading me on, like he accidentally did before.

 

I told him that if we were going to stay close friends, though, that we must never talk about romance again, because every time we did it just hurt and felt like a new rejection and reminded us of something painful for both of us, that we both would much rather forget.

 

At the time (this was several months ago) he agreed and we have just dropped it and let the friendship be what it is. I told him to completely forget about it, just drop it, never think about it again, and that he would have to just trust me that I would handle my own heart just fine.

 

Now, of course I still love him. I seriously think he is the love of my life. I don't want to meet anyone else, because I actually would rather not be with anyone but him. But he doesn't know anything about that, and neither should he, because that is my own mess and drama to take care of. That's not something he needs to be concerned with, and he does not need to feel guilty or responsible. It's my own fault I love him like I do.

 

SO.

 

The problem at this point is that this argument (where I told him that we are just friends, that I don't consider him to be more than a friend, i.e., I am not being led on by him, I know this won't change, etc.) was several months ago. He's been home for those several months, but I've traveled to visit him several times since then.

 

I've made friends with his friends, I've become comfortable and accepted by his family, I fit right into his world, and I really like them and they like me. Plus, my friend and I have since become VERY close friends. Extremely close, best friends. I attributed this to the fact that I told him not to ever think about romance again. He has relaxed and now we can really be friends.

 

But now I think he's fallen for me, because even though I'm not as physically attractive as other girls he's dated in the distant past, he and I are really two sides of the same soul. And he's getting to know me better with no pressure, and he's fallen for me.

 

And he's upset because I said we are JUST FRIENDS. And to never think about it again. And that I don't consider or see him as more than a friend (I meant by that that he is not going to lead me on.) At the time he was glad for that, but it doesn't seem so much anymore.

 

So now I'm in love with him, he might be with me, but he doesn't think we can be together. He thinks he's lost me, and is unlikely to say anything about it now. And I certainly can't. Because if I'm misreading anything at all, I will certainly lose my best friend.

 

It's SUCH a mess.

[eleve82]

So, this guy and I (I'm a girl) have been friends for about a year and a half. He and I are actually very close. I fell in love with him a long time ago, but he did not reciprocate. But he was afraid of losing me and my friendship. So we stayed close friends, and have actually gotten to the point of being best friends now.

 

He hasn't dated anyone, and neither have I, in the time we've known one another. Also, we are not having sex (neither of us have sex, because we're both Christians and unmarried. Yes, it's difficult.)

 

But he has been VERY clear that he is not interested in more than friends with me. And I have totally respected that. But a few months ago we had a bit of a fight because even though he and I have talked about it and we are on the same page, he felt uncomfortable with my attention because he thought it meant that I still had feelings for him.

 

Which I did. And do. And always will. But I told him when we had our argument (several months ago) that I don't see him that way anymore, and that I consider us just friends, and that we ARE just friends, and that we've already talked about it and that there are no misunderstandings anymore.

 

He thanked me for reassuring him of that, because he said he was nervous that he might have been leading me on, like he accidentally did before.

 

I told him that if we were going to stay close friends, though, that we must never talk about romance again, because every time we did it just hurt and felt like a new rejection and reminded us of something painful for both of us, that we both would much rather forget.

 

At the time (this was several months ago) he agreed and we have just dropped it and let the friendship be what it is. I told him to completely forget about it, just drop it, never think about it again, and that he would have to just trust me that I would handle my own heart just fine.

 

Now, of course I still love him. I seriously think he is the love of my life. I don't want to meet anyone else, because I actually would rather not be with anyone but him. But he doesn't know anything about that, and neither should he, because that is my own mess and drama to take care of. That's not something he needs to be concerned with, and he does not need to feel guilty or responsible. It's my own fault I love him like I do.

 

SO.

 

The problem at this point is that this argument (where I told him that we are just friends, that I don't consider him to be more than a friend, i.e., I am not being led on by him, I know this won't change, etc.) was several months ago. He's been home for those several months, but I've traveled to visit him several times since then.

 

I've made friends with his friends, I've become comfortable and accepted by his family, I fit right into his world, and I really like them and they like me. Plus, my friend and I have since become VERY close friends. Extremely close, best friends. I attributed this to the fact that I told him not to ever think about romance again. He has relaxed and now we can really be friends.

 

But now I think he's fallen for me, because even though I'm not as physically attractive as other girls he's dated in the distant past, he and I are really two sides of the same soul. And he's getting to know me better with no pressure, and he's fallen for me.

 

And he's upset because I said we are JUST FRIENDS. And to never think about it again. And that I don't consider or see him as more than a friend (I meant by that that he is not going to lead me on.) At the time he was glad for that, but it doesn't seem so much anymore.

 

So now I'm in love with him, he might be with me, but he doesn't think we can be together. He thinks he's lost me, and is unlikely to say anything about it now. And I certainly can't. Because if I'm misreading anything at all, I will certainly lose my best friend.

 

It's SUCH a mess.

 

 

 

What exactly has he said or done that makes you think he has fallen for you?

[Annie93]

Well it is unclear. That's why I wouldn't say anything about it either.

 

He and I spent a lot of time together, alone, late at night, and we didn't before. Like, hours and hours. And he holds me much longer than he ever used to. And his eyes get "soft" when he looks at me now. And he's been listening to really sad music and sending it to me, music about things related to this.

 

But I see what you're saying. His feelings are unlikely to have changed; I know that guys' feelings just don't change that way.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Read what you wrote. This guy has gone out of his way multiple times to let you know he is not interested. He has not fallen for you; he simply trusts that you can handle yourself, as you asked. And why would you tell him that if it isn't true?

[todreaminblue]

He thinks you can handle him being your friend so he is increasing the time he spends with you ..late at night...nto good........his eyes go soft sending you love songs or sad songs...holding you longer than he should..not too good......

 

if i were you i would distance yourself from this because it is sending you mixed signals......unless he comes out and makes it clear he wants to date you ...dont put yourself through this....it isnt fair on you...and in my mind....it is crossing the line...late nights sad songs and holding you .....either he makes a move ....or he doesnt ...until then ....step back......from him and keep the signals clear..you are respecting the friendship which apparently is all he can give you....so keep it as friends when he crosses the line say hey this is a bit more than friendship dont you think.....see what he says then.....deb

[preraph]

He could be gay or anything. But you think if you get in with his family that will change his mind and that would only happen if he's a very weak individual, in which case I'm assuming you'd have worn him down by now. Unless he is asexual or gay and finds himself still a chaste Christian at 30 and decides to at least marry someone to make it look like he's straight and a sexual male, I don't see this going anywhere. Men are very physical. If he was at all attracted, he'd have done something about it long long ago.

[Kamila]

You could be like less available to him. This will make him notice you more.

A change in your behavior will activate things in him.

He'll let you be or he'll try to draw you in.

 

If I had feelings for a guy and he didn't reciprocate I would run for the hills (which I did in the past).

But you're so attached to him (and he is too) and being friends with him is better than to lose him forever.

 

But what about you ? Don't you want to have a boyfriend that loves you like you love him ?

Don't you want someone that is transparent clear in his feelings for you instead of mixed ?

 

Why do you keep seeing this guy if he just wants friendship ? Possibly because you're so available he'll take avantage of that and will try to have sex with you (the soft eyes, sad music routine he's pulling).

 

I would back away if I were you.

[eleve82]

Well, no - I'm not saying he wouldn't fall for you at all. It's just that unless he says so explicitly, there really isn't any hard and fast way of telling, especially when he has already said he doesn't want a relationship with you. You know for sure he didn't want to be with you at some point - but you can't be sure that he does now.

 

So I guess, my point was asking if he was doing more explicit things like - asking you out on dates, making excuses to see you, calling you daily, that sort of thing. All that said and done, I've had guys do this and the whole nine yards and STILL insist I am just a "friend". lol