Deciding to be alone

[Kid_Charlemange]

After 30+ years of this... I'm done.

 

It's too much work. All of my LTRs have ended badly.

 

I tried OLD after the last one. By most measurements, it's been a success: Lots of dates, some intimacy, even a couple that coulda turned into real relationships.

 

But, each time, something goes south.

 

My ex kinda spoiled me. For a guy who's not very attractive, I have a real problem finding women who aren't my "type" to be attractive as well. It's a dilemma. And as I documented elsewhere on LS, the last one really gave me some hope, as even though we were incredibly compatible -- her words, not mine -- she ended it abruptly because of my appearance. Sure, there wasn't that much invested in it; two months and six sexual encounters, but it still stings. And it reminded me that these things just never end well.

 

I don't have the energy, or the money, to keep doing this.

 

I think there are a lot of people out there who are alone, and are perfectly happy. They made the decision that they weren't going to alter their lives to attract or keep a partner. That they didn't need anyone to complete them. That they were comfortable with the idea of, someday, dying alone.

 

Maybe it's not that bad? The longest I went in my adult life without some woman in my life was about two years, after my first wife left me. It wasn't that bad. I played golf with my buddies whenever I wanted, and my house could get as messy as it felt like.

 

There are upsides

 

This forum is a great place to share ideas, so if you've made this same decision, I'd love to hear how you keep yourself busy, and some examples of why this decision was the right one for you. Thanks in advance.

[TouchedByViolet]

Sorry to hear about your latest lady, life is fickle. Surely not every relationship ended badly? Sometimes they just run their course and that is ok....

 

As a guy who has been single a lot I don't worry about dying alone... I worry about living life alone. As long as you don't feel lonely I would just enjoy life as much as you can. When you are ready to date again you will. Just focus on things that make you happy and improve your quality of life.

 

My friends are great source of happiness for me.

[jay1983]

I'm right there with you OP. I just don't care anymore.

[No Limit]

There's nothing wrong with being single. Yeah, you do enjoy more freedom, and care for yourself only. Sure, it might be awesome to share good experiences with someone you really like, but you really ought to follow your path alone rather than not going at all just because you need someone to hold your hand.

 

And married or not, chances are you'll die alone anyway (chances are there's not going to be someone in your hospital room in your last minutes, let's be realistic here).

[Kid_Charlemange]

Surely not every relationship ended badly? Sometimes they just run their course and that is ok....

 

Some of the short-term ones did, and I'm not upset about that. Of the ones that have gone past one year... yeah, utter disaster. One left me for another man. Another cheated on me and then humiliated me. Other one died.

 

My friends are great source of happiness for me.

 

Mine were when the second one died. I was lucky then. Kind of lost most of them in the split with the third one. No biggie.

[Kid_Charlemange]

And married or not, chances are you'll die alone anyway (chances are there's not going to be someone in your hospital room in your last minutes, let's be realistic here).

 

Well, that's exactly what I did with my second wife. Held her hand and played her favorite music while she took her last breaths. I know that she went much easier knowing I was there 24x7 those last two weeks. She told me wasn't scared. Proudest time of my life.

 

Maybe that's unusual, but what I meant in the broader picture was getting old alone. I'm an only child with no children. No close family. It'd be nice to have someone in the later years, but it ain't gonna happen. Not the end of the world.

[insert_name]

For me, I found wanting intimacy and companionship stuck like a bitch in my 20's because it felt like that's what I should be doing. Plus my peer group judged and valued each other based on the women we were (or weren't) screwing. For a while I was with a really hot girl who was well suited to me in every way. I thought girls like her grew on trees and split up with her after 4 years because I couldn't imagine being with the same girl from my early 20s to my dying days. What a bad move that was. It appears, in hindsight, that I was lucky to have her. 10 years on I've had a handful of encounters, the ones I wanted to leave stayed and the ones I wanted to stay didn't.

 

So here I am at 34 and haven't had sex since 2012. I've had a number of opportunities, but I have turned them all down, either because I wasn't attracted enough or because there was no likelihood of any long term future with them. As a result I seem to have reached a peak where that itch from my 20s has gone. I simply do not care if I ever get laid again. There is more to life than pursuing 'love' and really, given what I had years ago its given me very high standards with what I expect from a partner. I very rarely meet potential matches as it is, the chances of me meeting one like I had are slim to non-existent. Far better to be open to meeting someone, but not let it get me down or consume me that I might not.

 

So in short, my solace comes from the fact that I feel in control of my singledom. I am single through choice because its much more preferable to being in a relationship that sucks. I must admit, I also enjoy reading the cheating section of this forum as it makes me thankful that I am not in the sort of predicaments or with the sort of people that you find there, where my happiness can be destroyed on a whim by somebody whose behaviour is out of my control. I am responsible for my own happiness and that's exactly where I like to be. I also have friends in desperately crap marriages and I wouldn't trade places with them for the world.

 

Another important thing that has helped is finally shedding the belief that my value as a man is dependent on how many women find me attractive. Believe me this has been the most difficult thing of all. But age has opened my eyes to this, I simply do not give a damn what people think of my looks or singledom. Some of the greatest minds of our time were not popular with women so if I do end up alone I am actually in some pretty stellar company!

 

So yeah, just live for yourself- be happy even if for no other reason that being miserable is only ruining life for yourself. Ultimately the person that cares most about your happiness is you so you owe it to yourself to find the best in every situation and smile about it.

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

So in short, my solace comes from the fact that I feel in control of my singledom. I am single through choice because its much more preferable to being in a relationship that sucks.

 

I should quote the entire post -- it deserves it.

 

Thank you. That is kind of where I'm going with this as well. I have two choices:

 

1. Be myself, and be alone.

2. Try to continue to re-invent myself, change my behaviors, learn all kinds of new methods of communications, get rejected because of my looks 99 times out of 100, and basically pretend to be someone I'm really not, and then, maybe fall into another relationship, only to have her leave me or (God forbid) die in front of me. Again.

 

#1 sounds really appealing.

[Anela]

I made the choice to give up, a few years ago. I didn't entirely stick with that choice, but I'm more inclined to believe that it isn't going to happen for me now.

 

I remember posting my declaration somewhere (not here), and whilst a few people seemed to think that I needed consolation, another girl understood what I was saying, and told me that she found it inspiring. When I feel sad about being single, I cry as much as I need to, but I also remind myself of the bad stuff that I could be missing out on.

[insert_name]

Far be it from me to tell you what to do, but I have tried number 2. I have constantly tried changing my appearance, my behaviour, my speech, reinventing myself constantly to attract more attention and its only brought me unhappiness. I've reached the point where I simply don't care about attracting women. Take me as I am or don't- it's their loss.

 

I'm bored of reading on here about the women who meet the nice guy who they admit treats them with respect they can't get bad boy out of their heads and he's the one they pine for even though he knocked her about. Seems every other thread is along these lines. If their choices are that bad then why would I want to change myself for them? Is it worth compromising my principles and who I am for a quick lay and a relationship that probably wont last for the reasons outlined above? Studies are being done all the time that indicate that women are naturally attracted to dubious qualities (dark triad etc) so if they don't like me for me then that does not necessarily mean there say that there is something wrong with me!

 

Just go about your business and stay upbeat and optimistic about your life. That will bring its own rewards in terms of your own happiness. As an added bonus your outlook may make you more fun to be around which in turn may lead to meeting someone...or it may not, but that shouldn't really be your aim anyway, just a nice cherry on top of your already awesome life.

 

My colleagues in work have been stunned at my transformation- apparently I'm a much better person to be around, apparently its like night and day. All because I stopped worrying about finding a partner and having someone to massage my (then) fragile esteem.

[insert_name]

I made the choice to give up, a few years ago. I didn't entirely stick with that choice, but I'm more inclined to believe that it isn't going to happen for me now.

 

I remember posting my declaration somewhere (not here), and whilst a few people seemed to think that I needed consolation, another girl understood what I was saying, and told me that she found it inspiring. When I feel sad about being single, I cry as much as I need to, but I also remind myself of the bad stuff that I could be missing out on.

 

Yeah, typical response- you can't be in your right mind for wanting to be single so you need to be consoled...believing nonsense like that is what makes people settle for bad relationships just cus they got conned into thinking its better than being alone. They soon realize different. My friend is going through this right now, he was terrified his wife might be pregnant with kid number 2. I felt bad for him, but at the same time I'm sooo glad that's not me. He might occasionally be getting laid but his soul is being sucked out of him and its sad to compare who he is now to who he was.

[irc333]

I'm kind of on a teetering point with you guys, after my last short term relationship which I THOUGHT would be longer than 3 months, I was hoping for a couple of years like most long term relationships. This one didn't even run it's course, it just died completely. She had intimacy issues and a history of choosin "bad" men, she admitted she wasn't used to a guy like me (someone with a moral compass, compassion, and a knack for romance/pleasing her like none of the others had).

 

It's like she felt she didn't deserve me.

 

But, yeah, I get a kick out of this so called "advice" about "doing what you can to GET a woman interested and not only that KEEP her interested" as if it's the man's responsibility to keep her amused like a court jester amusing the king and queen back in the midevil times. As soon as he does a boring bit. OFF with his head! LOL

 

It does get weary.

 

I have a male friend he's around 50 years old, in fact he's giving up on online dating. He's had a string of women actually and voluntarily GIVE him THEIR phone # only to not return his calls.

 

He's actually become rather complacent lately, sometimes to the point where it's been sabotaging opportunities where women, who had been genuinely interested in him...had started to get frustrated with him and his complacence.

 

He just doesn't have the energy anymore. He'd get a woman's number, and he'd date 2 or 3 weeks to actually call her, he claims to be just too busy or tired from work or doing work at home projects to bother.

 

When he goes to Meetups, he treats them more like family than even really considering dating women there...even after long periods of times.

 

His philosophy is to spend a good while at the events while getting to know the women...over a good period of time and not just blatantly asking them out right off the bat.

 

I recall once, at a Redneck pontoon event, now he's the kind of person to NEVER flirt or hit on a woman that he barely knows...if he says something suggestive, it's usually because it was taken too seriously by the other party.

 

He doesn't approach women, but rather they wind up near him or just people kind of "mill" about him as they mingle...but apparently he was standing next to a rather attractive 50 year old woman in a bikini...there were some drunken shennanigans going on and he shook his head, laughed and said, "Man, I bet some of these people are so wasted that they might find themselves waking up without their clothes on!"

 

And she gives this sneer and says, "You WISH!" and storms off....as if that comment was directed at HER getting naked. The comment wasn't even directed at her.

 

It's like walking on eggshells when trying to talk to women without them thinking you're some sort of creepy stalker type.

 

I know of some women who have admittedly said they wait until a guy calls 3 times, leave a message, and then MAY consider calling him back. Apparently a "man that's persistent with phone calls" are showing that she means something to him and thus dateworthy.

 

If, as a man, you call a woman once and that's it...they think you "gave up too easily". ROFL

[Kid_Charlemange]

 

I have a male friend he's around 50 years old, in fact he's giving up on online dating.

 

Hmm. We might know each other IRL. Your description sounds a lot like me

 

I didn't make the bikini comment, but I'm sure if I had, it would have been taken the wrong way...

 

I feel like Spock with a beard...

[WesternWizard]

Understandable.

 

For someone like myself---I have a hell of an imagination---such negative situations can make for hella good fiction writing!

[Lipitor11]

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one! I guess I don't have a problem with being alone, its just that other people ruin my happiness of being alone. I've had co-workers tell me they "pity" me because I don't have a man in my life, and its hard when your siblings are happily married with kids or when you go to parties and see that there are only couples. Its sad that I have to shut myself out from the world to avoid people feeling sorry for me.

[carhill]

Experience differs but for myself it's been a lot of fun. Going on five years now and looking forward to selling everything and moving my business to another state. Buh-bye Cali and drought and regulations and taxes

[irc333]

Hmm. We might know each other IRL. Your description sounds a lot like me

 

I didn't make the bikini comment, but I'm sure if I had, it would have been taken the wrong way...

 

I feel like Spock with a beard...

 

That's a good analogy, speak without inflection and be completely neutral and women will consider you "mysterious" and thus find you attractive. Try that bit for a while.

[WesternWizard]

I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel sad about it, but when I'm engaged in one of my solo hobbies (usually making or fixing something), I occasionally think about the woman out there who blew a chance to be my gf/wife, sitting at some bar with a drink in her hand, pretending to be someone she's not.

[MGX]

After 30+ years of this... I'm done.

 

It's too much work. All of my LTRs have ended badly.

 

I tried OLD after the last one. By most measurements, it's been a success: Lots of dates, some intimacy, even a couple that coulda turned into real relationships.

 

But, each time, something goes south.

 

My ex kinda spoiled me. For a guy who's not very attractive, I have a real problem finding women who aren't my "type" to be attractive as well. It's a dilemma. And as I documented elsewhere on LS, the last one really gave me some hope, as even though we were incredibly compatible -- her words, not mine -- she ended it abruptly because of my appearance. Sure, there wasn't that much invested in it; two months and six sexual encounters, but it still stings. And it reminded me that these things just never end well.

 

I don't have the energy, or the money, to keep doing this.

 

I think there are a lot of people out there who are alone, and are perfectly happy. They made the decision that they weren't going to alter their lives to attract or keep a partner. That they didn't need anyone to complete them. That they were comfortable with the idea of, someday, dying alone.

 

Maybe it's not that bad? The longest I went in my adult life without some woman in my life was about two years, after my first wife left me. It wasn't that bad. I played golf with my buddies whenever I wanted, and my house could get as messy as it felt like.

 

There are upsides

 

This forum is a great place to share ideas, so if you've made this same decision, I'd love to hear how you keep yourself busy, and some examples of why this decision was the right one for you. Thanks in advance.

 

So, how is this working for you? Are you still finished with women?

 

How do you deal with the loneliness?

Edited September 8, 2014 by MGX

[carhill]

OP, re-reading your first post, I have a few follow up comments:

 

1. LTR's or marriages rarely end well. At best, they're not a debilitating death, but a death nonetheless. So to say your LTR's have always ended badly seems within the realm of reasonable. Most folks can identify with that. Some folks are lucky and are married until death with generally happy results. Good on them!

 

2. Being alone, IMO, should be based on the positive aspects of such a choice rather than as a reaction to negative feelings. I recall, now about 4 1/2 years after last going on a date, how I felt at the time..... neutral. Dating was OK but I had this sense that there were other, exciting things awaiting in life. So, I stopped dating and went out to figure out what those things were. The dating wasn't 'bad' at all. It was fine. I simply lost interest. There was no 'fire' there anymore. I found it elsewhere.

 

3. Cost - yep, I can identify with you there. For what it costs to date, and what my M cost me to end, I bought another house to add to my rental portfolio and had a lot of wonderful times with friends fixing it up, making positive memories as well as bringing financial returns. So, on a cost basis, I don't view the ROI on dating/relationships as advantageous anymore, and that applies to both the monetary and emotional costs. Like yourself, I spend multiple decades in the milieu and gave it my best shot. At some point, one has to be pragmatic. Better late than never.

 

4. We all die alone. It's a journey no one else can share. If we're lucky, we may have a few loved ones whom we make good memories with and carry those memories with us to death. If we're blessed to have one loved one there at the end holding our hand, that's a true gift and nothing we have any control over, so I don't see it as any sort of life goal. Being that person for others, sure. That I can control, and it gives me great pleasure and positive life memories to carry forward being alone. It's OK!

[OwMyEyeball]

I believe your situation is much more common than is broadcast to the world through our media (including fiction).

 

I do believe that we are social creatures and benefit greatly from having other outlets to satisfy that core need. Community, family, friends, business, volunteering, etc. Those without a "life partner" are not alone.

 

It's very possible for people with a partner to still feel alone if there is no intimacy in the relationship. And I'm not talking about just sex.

 

Being who we are, expressing that and feeling accepted for it by others. That's the cure for loneliness. You don't need a life partner for that.

 

I feel that many elders realize this, but don't tell this to the younger generations out of fear of coming across as a Grinch. It's a bit like when you tell your kids Santa doesn't exist. Sometimes you wait for them to figure it out for themselves before acknowledging the truth. Although I would think it might be even better to not create the fib in the first place.

Edited September 8, 2014 by OwMyEyeball

[Mysterio]

KC. I don't know how old you are. I think that you are being too hard on yourself. I think until one is close to 80. You can't make an absolute decsion like being alone for life.

 

If you are saying that you are not going to be doing the heavy duty search on your own. Then that is fine. If a woman likes you. She is in your face about it. Are you going to nothing about it?

 

I belive that prayer and letting God/Universe take care of it. Is the the best thing for you and the rest of us. I think that there is way too much slaying the dragon mentality too much. It does get to be too much.

 

I am letting a woman come to me in that regaurd. Anything else would be me letting my lust guide me if I am the one making the first move. Besides she would be getting a burnt out Mysterio at this rate.

 

All I am saying is don't be absoloute in your views. I know I am keeping an open mind. Once again. I am more inclined to ask out a woman that is making an effort with me, than the woman at Starbucks that is not.

[Mysterio]

I also think friendship is more important overall. I can't imagine just being with my GF/Wife and thats it. Having no friends to bounce things off of.

 

For me. I think that having a GF/SO/Wife is basically for companionship and affection. Take that off the table. What is the point in being together.

[BlueIris]

It’s perfectly natural and reasonable to decide not to date after a relationship ends, or after a series of relationships. Even deciding to be alone for now or forever is part of the clearing and mourning. You’re not locked in to never dating or seeking a relationship ever again, and can change your mind tomorrow, in a year or in 10 years. But if we’re still comparing people to an ex, or exes, whether good or bad, we’re not ready to date again anyway. Reactive dating isn’t good for anyone involved, feels pressured, and can just result in a string of disappointments that compound the frustration. Good luck and know that you always have the power and right to make any choice you want any time.

[preraph]

When I was young, I assumed, as most do, that I was supposed to be with someone. As I got to be about 50 and looked back on my life story, I realized I was really never supposed to be with anyone for long-term. I couldn't have followed my path if I did. Since I have basically been very autonomous since being a child, though not antisocial, I am comfortable alone and with animals, which is how I socialized as a child mostly. I'm not good on compromise and you have to have that. I'm very decisive and have always known what I want, basically, and I think you have to be a little more fluid than that to meld with someone for a long time.