Deciding to be alone

[Mysterio]

This thing with wanting or desirieng a woman for guys or a man for women. This is starting to get out of hand. I remember when I was a kid in high school. I never cared about being with a woman. I never cared about it at all. I don't know why that is. All I cared about was getting out of school.

 

I have had GF's in the past and I will in the future. I know which paths are before me. I see life as a series of patterns. If I want to go the frustrated path in term of a romantic relationship. I just keep asking women that I fancy. Or I could go down the other path which is less hetic and strife and let a woman come to me. Which has happened before. In fact for a short time. A woman coming to me more seems more in synch with my life. Than me doing the pursuing.

[Kid_Charlemange]

So, how is this working for you? Are you still finished with women?

 

Yep. Taking a year off. My hope is, that after that year:

-I'll be down to the weight I was at in college (I've lost about 30lbs this year, 20 to go)

-I'll have landed a better job

-I'll have gotten my teeth whitened

-I'll be driving a better car

-I'll have paid off the last of my debt from my late wife's cancer treatments, which will dramatically increase my disposable income

 

At that point, I'll be as "attractive" as I can be -- I can't do much about the lack of hair and looks But I can fix those other issues. It appears that with modern 40+ dating, there is a zero-tolerance mindset. Any flaw, regardless of how small, is a deal-killer, because there are so many more candidates waiting in the wings. Right now I'm not the best catch I can be, so I'm out of the game for a while.

 

How do you deal with the loneliness?

 

I keep busy. I'm at the gym six days a week, and have gotten back into some of my hobbies. I have a lot of friends, and I do a couple hours a night of studying (technical certifications; working on my CISSP right now).

 

And I have high-speed internet. 'nuff said

[Kid_Charlemange]

We all die alone. It's a journey no one else can share. If we're lucky, we may have a few loved ones whom we make good memories with and carry those memories with us to death. If we're blessed to have one loved one there at the end holding our hand, that's a true gift and nothing we have any control over, so I don't see it as any sort of life goal.

 

Well, that's what I meant. I was there when my late wife passed. And yes, I was holding her hand. It was 4 in the morning at the hospice so it was me and the night nurse.

 

I'm a childless only child. It'll just be the nurse when my time comes -- if I'm lucky. I'm OK with that.

 

Since I made this decision about a month ago, I feel pretty good. My self-confidence, which has never been stellar to start with, is coming back. It's not being battered on a monthly basis by a series of rejections. I'm down another five pounds and have finished some tasks I wanted to. All positives, and no negatives. Not a bad deal.

[R3d]

This thing with wanting or desirieng a woman for guys or a man for women. This is starting to get out of hand. I remember when I was a kid in high school. I never cared about being with a woman. I never cared about it at all. I don't know why that is. All I cared about was getting out of school.

 

I have had GF's in the past and I will in the future. I know which paths are before me. I see life as a series of patterns. If I want to go the frustrated path in term of a romantic relationship. I just keep asking women that I fancy. Or I could go down the other path which is less hetic and strife and let a woman come to me. Which has happened before. In fact for a short time. A woman coming to me more seems more in synch with my life. Than me doing the pursuing.

 

That's because traditionally us men are supposed to make the first move and take rejection like it's nothing (which I don't have a problem with personally). Women usually won't approach so if as a man, you don't, then how are you supposed to get dates, if neither sex is approaching. That's why we have this arbitrary guideline. Let's pick one gender, and make it its job to approach. Nowadays, it's becoming more of a both sex's thing, but women are still much less likely to approach, so it's still in (slow) progress of getting there.

 

So how did you get SO's if you never approached?

[Kid_Charlemange]

KC. I don't know how old you are.

 

51.

 

If you are saying that you are not going to be doing the heavy duty search on your own. Then that is fine. If a woman likes you. She is in your face about it. Are you going to nothing about it?

 

That's exactly what I'm saying. I've stopped trying. But yeah, if a perfect woman comes up to me and says hi, I probably won't walk away. But since that's never happened, I kinda doubt it ever will.

[PinkInTheLimo]

For a guy who's not very attractive, I have a real problem finding women who aren't my "type" to be attractive as well. It's a dilemma. And as I documented elsewhere on LS, the last one really gave me some hope, as even though we were incredibly compatible -- her words, not mine -- she ended it abruptly because of my appearance.

 

If you are so picky about appearance then you should accept that others might be as picky as you are.

 

In any case, if you are not very attractive yourself (your words) you should maybe be realistic about what kind of women you can attract. It makes me think of those obese ladies who want at all costs a man with a six-pack.

People normally get together with people in their own league.

 

I am not saying you should get together with a woman you don't find attractive, definitely not because attraction is very important. But maybe you should not dismiss women on first sight and spend enough time with someone to let attraction develop.

 

This said, I can't be accused of trying very hard to find a partner these days myself. Yes I would love to meet a man but right now I am very busy with work and evening classes, and I just don't have the courage to try online dating again (which is the only way I can meet someone at almost 50).

I know I should give it another go or otherwise nothing will ever happen but I am not enthusiastic about having to weed again through a jungle of unavailable, lying, stupid, rude, etc... men. It's exhausting.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I guess it does not help that I am feeling rather happy on my own. Not as happy as if I would have a partner and be able to share things. But also not as unhappy as when yet another a&&hole would create turbulence in my life with all his emotional baggage and flaws.

I am quite a balanced person and I have become afraid of letting someone in my life who turns out to be a mess.

[PinkInTheLimo]

It appears that with modern 40+ dating, there is a zero-tolerance mindset. Any flaw, regardless of how small, is a deal-killer, because there are so many more candidates waiting in the wings.

 

Are you sure you are not yourself so ruthless, not tolerating any flaw?

 

I am asking you because most people I know who complain about being rejected a lot, are very good at rejecting themselves for minor flaws...

[AliOop]

I am now dating, but took a break from it for 7 years. Even I couldn't believe how contented I was with it! Friends would try to fix me up and encourage me to seek out male company but I just plain didn't feel like it. Eventually everyone left me alone about it and it was quite nice - I like my solitude and loved the fact that I had no one to drag me down and could spend my time doing exactly what I wanted without having to explain myself.

 

Although I'm dating now I've come to realize that this is not for the long haul. When it's done I will probably take another break - hopefully not for 7 years this time!

[carhill]

Well, that's what I meant. I was there when my late wife passed. And yes, I was holding her hand. It was 4 in the morning at the hospice so it was me and the night nurse.

 

I'm a childless only child. It'll just be the nurse when my time comes -- if I'm lucky. I'm OK with that.

 

Since I made this decision about a month ago, I feel pretty good. My self-confidence, which has never been stellar to start with, is coming back. It's not being battered on a monthly basis by a series of rejections. I'm down another five pounds and have finished some tasks I wanted to. All positives, and no negatives. Not a bad deal.

 

 

Sounds pretty familiar, except the loved one I cared for in her final years was my mother. I've got an old male cat whom I think may out-live me so I better set up an inheritance for him!

 

Being alone surely isn't for everyone. There aren't the impetuses to action that exist when constantly stimulated in a relationship. Balancing that is a lot of peace and freedom. I guess it all depends what one wants. Me, I'm headed for a lazy stream, some bait and a few wily fish and invent a few things to pay for it all. No big plans. This aura is like a lady repellant so it's been relatively easy to remain single for the last five years. Good times. Best wishes in your pursuits.

[me85]

There are 2 great loves above all other love:

 

God's love and self love.

 

I'm very happy as a single, never married, never engaged, no children, 29yo young woman.

 

If one cannot find peace in solitude then how can one expect to truly appreciate the company of others??

[Kid_Charlemange]

Being alone surely isn't for everyone. There aren't the impetuses to action that exist when constantly stimulated in a relationship. Balancing that is a lot of peace and freedom. I guess it all depends what one wants.

 

Exactly.

 

So far, so good. I'm more at peace with myself every week. I see no problem continuing this for the year that I promised myself. Maybe more. Maybe forever? Who knows.

 

I restart my OKC profile once in a while, and the same women are still there, the activity date showing "online now" or that they were on yesterday. They're still looking... for perfection. I hope they find it. The woman I last dated is still on there every day, still uploading new pictures. I hope she finds that combo she's looking for; of course, she first reached out to me on that site, even though I live over 100 miles away, as the "pickings were slim" in her little town.

 

Speaking of which. For fun, I started expanding my search circle, because the woman I dated (I can't call her an "ex" as we weren't together that long) and I scored 99% compatible and 0% enemy on OKC. I wondered if that was rare.... turns out, it is. I had to expand my geography to "everywhere" to find another 99-0. I found three. One lives in Portland, another in Leeds, UK, and the third was the woman I dated. Who, by the way, I considered to be the most compatible person I've ever dated. She said the same, when she broke up with me. Maybe there is something to that formula?