What's wrong with me I need your words of wisdom

[OnwardandUpward]

6 months now since he walked in and asked for divorce

 

My head has been from one end of the place to the other. Blamed myself because i had gotten so sick. Begged and begged for him not to do this. I have had moments of incredible false brevado and gone no contact. Only to iniate contact 2 days later and he would respond and off we go again. All the time with me begging him not to do this and please i will get my health better and jesus i have been pathetic.

 

I have thought myself to be doing so well - yes i can be friends. The self hatred and blaming has been incredible.

 

If i asked on the weather - he would reply. If i said i love you - he would not.

 

The day he ended our marraige was the upending of life as i knew it and i was already physically in a mess and mentally in a mess before he did it. Now i was in a complete mess and should have likely been locked away.

 

In many ways i have now recovered my health - thyroid finally settled down and stopped the insanity - im now of 90% of foods which unbeknown to me were killing me. I have recovered health and i paint alot.

 

I have come thru the worst of the emotions. Only to discover that hes been driving down here being with an ex girlfriend of 15 years ago who he has never stopped having contact with.

 

I congratulated him on being with her and said i hope he finds happiness. Stupid me has been sitting here taking a little hand out of money from him each week - all the while thinking if i play nice - he will realise my health has recovered and he will love me again. IDIOT lol in my own defence - i was really unwell lol

 

So on finding out about the woman - i sent him a message asking for a settlement. His response was do you think thats fair? I can honestly say thats the first time i hit extreme anger. And he got maybe 30 long text messages of me of rage. The courts would award me 6 times what i asked for plus up to $1000 a week - i called for a mere pittance of what our business income was worth. So the next day - he agrees to give me the settlement. Only its going to be done thru solicitors as if all of a sudden it is me who is the lier and the betrayer.

 

So now we are no contact. Its now been 2 weeks.

 

I am waiting my settlement.

 

So i have a brand new car under - a healthy bank account - all furniture and 90% of my health back. Yet i have no life in me to get up.

 

I can't call a decision to save my existence. Will i move back to my family? Will i stay where i have landed? I do not go out of the house. I am in doors 24/7 unless i need milk or groceries. I am awake for 5 hours and sleep for 3. I am not emotionally distressed any more. I do not want him back. I recognise its over and i recognise he may have always been with the other woman and i never knew - it may be true that i was just there to raise his kids - it may not be true. I dont know and it does not matter to be honest because knowing changes nothing.

 

I am cut off and isolated from the world and i cant get up to get back out there. I am 49 and feel like there is no point. I stay inside and i paint.

 

I have started importing again to get out and do markets and my car is ready to go and i do not have it in me to get up and go.

 

I just feel whats the point. I have worked my arse off all my life - ive loved - lost - loved again and lost again - whats the point.

 

If i am in depression i am unable to take medication for it. In all likely hood i would be unable to take anything naturally.

 

I need words of wisdom from those who have gone thru this - i know its harder for people in the 50's age bracket but i have no will to live and get up - i just want the doors locked and everyone leave me alone.

[Poppyolive]

You've been through a lot. Having read your post it looks like you've come along way. I'm happy to hear your health is improving. There's nothing wrong with laying low, resting your mind with sleep and nourishing your soul with painting. No contact is the best choice. Dont rush your healing. You will get there. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

 

Take care of yourself. It will pass, you will be OK.

[OnwardandUpward]

Poppy you just did a beautiful thing to me - in your few words you made me feel that there is nothing wrong with me - i am healing - i have been thru alot - from mental and phsyical and emotional hell. Cut myself some slack and i will be ok.

 

Maybe i am just being too hard on myself once again - theres nothing wrong with me taking time out of the world to recover.

 

I have 6 weeks left on this lease so reality is i do not have to call a decision right now - just paint and sleep - thankyou Poppy

[aliveagain]

Girl there is so much beauty in the world and as an artist it's your duty to immortalize it and record it's passing. Fu*k that POS that you were married to, he doesn't deserve one more moment of space in that beautiful mind of your. Paint girl, travel and see it all, get your a$$ over to Florence, you need to see what others before you did. Travel, travel, paint, forget about that bit of dog excrement you stepped in, he's not worth any part of your day from this moment forward.

[OnwardandUpward]

I love you for saying that to me aliveagain - thankyou

 

I seriously deserve so much better then what he dished out to me.

 

My dad used to always say 'they are not worth the **** between your toes' and you saying that made me realise he is not worth anything.

 

I have a group on facebook where they view my art and people say i am incredible and im hiding in the world ready to cut my ear off and post it to him - he is not worth my ear but i am certainly worth the money going into my account. He got off very very lightly.

[jakrbbt]

If someone told me that I could be an incredible artist but first, in exchange for that, I'd have to go through relationship hell and a heartbreaking divorce, I'd do it. Even if the exchange also included an unfair or meager financial settlement from the divorce. If this breakup has inspired your painting, then I think that is a very good thing. You have something priceless. In this world we put a price on everything, but money is trite compared to what you can do.

 

He is your Achilles heel. You have greatness (art) and a weakness (stupid ex).

 

I have read that people going through divorce often start reading picture books. The theory is that they are in too much psychological pain to concentrate on paragraphs. Paint your divorce-- it will help others who can only look at visual art.

[OnwardandUpward]

Jakrbbt

 

I am feeling heaps better since putting my feelings out there. My head feels clearer and although i am still behind locked doors, i know its ok, i am just healing - i can't even begin to say how sick i have been. Two major medical crisis plus a discovery of food intolerance. Its been a huge 6 months and i am healing. I am going to be ok

 

I actually did paint my divorce - i only realised that when you said it.

 

I have to be careful what i say as it identifies me but i will say theres a competition coming and i know someone quite famous and i got the pleasure of painting that wonderful person. I painted in grey - the whole painting which is absolutely huge is in grey. I then have a very small secondary portrait that is in full colour within it. I am so proud of this piece of art - its a testimony to survival. Not just for me but for the person i painted. I wish i could show it. Its in my dining room aka paint room and its 90% finished and if i must say so myself - it is amasing. I look and i get blown away that my hands created that. My pain is within it - the persons pain in within it and when its finished it goes to be framed and next year it goes into the competition.

 

I havent cut my ear off yet