Is it fine for my wife to go out drinking with male co-workers for 7 hours?

[William]

Folks, let's stow the double-standard rhetoric and the tit for tat between members. That way members can continue to post and the people in need of assistance can continue to receive targeted assistance on their issue. Thanks!

[No Limit]

OP, wanna bet that your wife cheated? And if yes, how much are you going to put on the table?

[bubbaganoosh]

It comes down to how you feel about it. If your not comfortable with her going out after work with a bunch of guys then let her know that it doesn't work for you and leave it at that.

 

If she tells you to piss up a rope and she's going anyhow then let her know that she may as well stay gone because your not going to play these games with her.

 

Seems like she has no respect for you and if you let her continue, then be prepared for many a day of heartache.

[Friskyone4u]

Married wen have no business being out all night with members of the opposite sex bombed on alcohol. This "just friends" is bull **** . She can be friends with males without staying out all night with them. She invited you but knew you would not come .

Your mother is right

This attitude and behavior will eventually lead to an affair. And she will think it is no big deal, just sex

[iiiii]

I don't think anyone can categorically say married women shouldn't do this, or shouldn't do that.

 

The boundaries of any long term relationship need to be negotiated between the partners.

 

If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, you'll need to communicate that to her.

 

Hopefully you can bring this up in a non judgemental way, and you can both discuss the reasons she decided to do this (is she lonely? Bored? Or maybe she genuinely can't see your problem because she'd trust you to go out drinking with female coworkers?) and work out a compromise regarding nights out that you're both happy with.

 

If she has no interest in discussing this with you or compromising, I'd see that as a red flag.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If my boyfriend did this I don't think I'd be mad about the fact that he was out all night drinking/partying with female friends, I'd just be mad that he didn't keep me posted. It's just common courtesy when you share a home to let the other person know when you're likely to be home. A simple 6am text 'hey baby, been having a great night, I'm still partying/about to go to sleep so I'll be home about 10am I think. See you then, love you' would be fine. If I didn't know this then I'd be worrying if they were okay/wondering when they were coming back. But I certainly don't see anything wrong with going out and drinking with friends until the early hours.

 

I trust my boyfriend not to cheat on me and I know that I could happily be out with male friends until 9am, drinking and having fun, and still not for a second be unfaithful in any way. It's quite unlikely I guess as neither of us are huge party animals any more but we both have friends of both genders and that's healthy.

 

If I were in your position, whenever my boyfriend finally got home I would ask him in the future to keep me posted about when he was due home, and let him know that when you're out all night without each other it's nice to get one or two texts just touching base. Other than that, I don't see that the scenario is a huge issue. My boyfriend was living with three women in his last house and he'll be going back to stay there once a week-ish now we've moved away to another city together. I'm sure he'll take that opportunity to catch up with them, hang out and have fun, and that's great.

[anika99]

Does your wife work in a bar? Many years ago when I worked as a server in bar it was the norm for me and my coworkers to hang out together all night after the bar closed. I often didn't get home until 7 or 8 am. However we were all really young and single. I don't think it's appropriate for a married woman to be out all night with men. I've never had an SO that would put up with that and I wouldn't put up with that either. Still if this is a first I don't think you need to getting divorced over it.

 

What I find just as concerning as your wife's behaviour is the fact that you ran to your mother with this and your mother's obvious contempt for your wife. This is a problem between you and your spouse and there's no reason for you to be involving your mother, especially since she doesn't like your wife and will never be objective in her opinions. I think it was disrespectful of your wife to stay out all night without calling you or answering her phone. I think it was disrespectful of you to complain to your mother about your wife and I suspect it's not the first time you have done it. If you love and respect your wife then stop feeding your mothers negative opinion of her.

[ASG]

If my boyfriend did this I don't think I'd be mad about the fact that he was out all night drinking/partying with female friends, I'd just be mad that he didn't keep me posted. It's just common courtesy when you share a home to let the other person know when you're likely to be home. A simple 6am text 'hey baby, been having a great night, I'm still partying/about to go to sleep so I'll be home about 10am I think. See you then, love you' would be fine. If I didn't know this then I'd be worrying if they were okay/wondering when they were coming back. But I certainly don't see anything wrong with going out and drinking with friends until the early hours.

 

I trust my boyfriend not to cheat on me and I know that I could happily be out with male friends until 9am, drinking and having fun, and still not for a second be unfaithful in any way. It's quite unlikely I guess as neither of us are huge party animals any more but we both have friends of both genders and that's healthy.

 

If I were in your position, whenever my boyfriend finally got home I would ask him in the future to keep me posted about when he was due home, and let him know that when you're out all night without each other it's nice to get one or two texts just touching base. Other than that, I don't see that the scenario is a huge issue. My boyfriend was living with three women in his last house and he'll be going back to stay there once a week-ish now we've moved away to another city together. I'm sure he'll take that opportunity to catch up with them, hang out and have fun, and that's great.

 

Yeah, this is my take on it.

 

I see nothing wrong with the going out with male co-workers. It's just the not keeping the SO informed of a time table that is iffy.

 

People are making a big deal of the actual clock times, but like it was mentioned before, if it was a regular 9-5 job, she'd be home by 1/2am and that would probably not raise as many eyebrows.

 

So yeah... she should have texted you letting you know she'd be late, so as to not worry you, but the actual going out drinking with male co-workers? Not a big deal, in my book.

People don't cheat just because they're surrounded by members of the opposite sex.

[Airborne]

Make her get an STD test.

[TheGuard13]

I'd be more concerned that she was drinking for 7 hours, or drinking enough that she couldn't sober up within a shorter window of time.

[StanMusial]

OP how old are you?

 

The reason I ask, is because in my 39 years on the planet, whenever I have observed similar situations, the old lady was up to no good. Every single time.

[ASG]

I'd be more concerned that she was drinking for 7 hours, or drinking enough that she couldn't sober up within a shorter window of time.

 

Have you never been out with colleagues after work and it just went on longer than expected???

 

I have very fond memories of this work night out... we got to the pub at about 7pm... had quite a few drinks... And then one of the managers invied us all to his places to carry on, as the pub was closing (it was now 11pm). And we went, had yet more booze and I have a vague recollection of deciding enough was enough and going to sleep... I woke up a couple of hours later, wishing I was home, but knowing, in the back of my mind, I wasn't... Oh... it was GLORIOUS (even if the hangover was LONG and HARD!). The boy was fine with it! I was texting him the whole night. Only reason I know I went to "bed" after 6am!

[ASG]

It absolutely would. If I am in a committed relationship with a woman, what possible reason does she have to go out and stay out that late with other men and not come home to me?

 

 

Answer, she values the attention from these other men and that means more to her than me. Best just not to even bother coming home that night at all.

 

Are you serious??

 

I go out with friends a lot without my SO, when I'm in a committed relationship. Usually there is an invitation for him to join. My ex tended to decline most invitations of the sort.

 

I go out with my co-workers fairly often. Some times their SOs join, other times they don't. It is not an issue.

Also, it is not something that happens every day! (that could, indeed, be problematic)

 

Are you honestly saying you wouldn't allow your SO to go out with friends/co-workers once in a blue moon???

[me85]

I'm responding to the title...ummmm...no...that's definitely not cool. It would have to people you knew and trusted her with. That's a really long time to go drinking with coworkers. 7 hours? Really? I don't know, maybe it would be ok but I think I'd have a problem if I had a boyfriend who did this without me. I'd have to be secure and trust my boyfriend, yes, and hopefully I would but I'd still raise an eyebrow.

[Mr Scorpio]

It absolutely would. If I am in a committed relationship with a woman, what possible reason does she have to go out and stay out that late with other men and not come home to me?

 

Because she wants to spend a night (or two?) per week hanging out with her friends? Because when all you do is work/spend time with SO/sleep it can get old. You can feel smothered. Even resentful.

[ComingInHot]

The only married people I have ever met who did the bar with opposite sex for hours on end, were cheating, or swinging.

 

Why can't you meet up with her ? It may be fun for both of you to go out. She puts up a fuss, then she has a problem with you seeing her behavior.

 

If she needs a night out, and heck who doesn't, GIRLS NIGHT OUT IT IS!

 

I don't think I could actually drink for that long period... ugh.

[whichwayisup]

Why the heck didn't she take a cab home?

 

Her reaction, the anger and making it seem like no big deal is what is disturbing here. Also, where were they drinking? She finished work at 2am, right? Bars stop serving booze at that time.

 

Something feels off...Just read the first post of yours, that's it so far..

 

Gonna read the rest of your thread now.

[Raena]

I have to agree with most everyone else that the timing of her being out isn't as much of an issue as her reaction to you being upset. Yes, her work hours and your work hours do not coincide and that is problematic too. But the real issue is that she didn't think it was worthwhile to let you know she was ok.

 

If I were in her shoes, and I have been when I was much younger, I'd keep my phone close in case you woke up and wanted to talk to me.

 

That being said, she does need to be able to have time to hang out with her friends too. But you both need to come to an understanding of what is acceptable behavior in your relationship.

 

Will your work hours always be so different? I would imagine that if you both worked the same hours that you'd go together right? If your hours are always going to be so different then you need to set some ground rules of what is ok and what isn't or it will continue to be an issue.

[tpham18nm]

I read your first post without reading the rest of the thread. If I were a married man I couldn't be able to tell what my wife can and cannot do. I would just hope that she makes the right judgment. I would be suspicious and curious of what they were doing for that long of a period. Because of this I would ask her, respectively, without yelling or a demonizing tone. Just a simple question and I would expect a simple and trust worthy answer. I understand that things happen and events last longer than they should. Whats not okay with me is the she didn't keep you posted or answered your phone calls. This means that she is inconsiderate. Just because she hangs out with male friends, you can't just assume that she is cheating. She's just being again, inconsiderate of your feelings and something is needing to change. The cursing would throw me over the edge. I think that's disrespectful.

 

I don't like rules or boundaries. Why would anyone want to be held back. Breaking a boundary? That's bull crap, there are no such things. What a marriage needs to common sense. A good wife would know to keep her husband posted. A bad wife just does whatever. Take your pickings. But boundaries are just no fun. You cannot tell a person what they can and cannot do. Would I divorce someone for drinking with male friends? No of course not, but I wouldn't marry her either. Seems like she needs to respect you and you may want to express your feelings in a way where she can understand.

Edited October 3, 2014 by Gotpepsi

[Radu]

In my personal life, whenever i have seen similar behaviour in either mine or other ppl's relationships, there wasn't just smoke there but there was also a fire that turned into a blaze.

 

Do not discount the fact that it was with opposite sex ppl.

[CaliGuy]

I think everyone else has hit this thread hard. I agree with most everyone.

 

1. Not cool. Not EVER cool.

2. Wife's reaction is the symptom of being guilty of a crime.

 

I'd do this. Find out if she'll come clean as to what she actually did. If she can confirm she wasn't boinking one or both of those guys, then you say "You're not going to do this again or I will divorce you. This is completely unacceptable"....

 

You need be the man of the house and she needs to respect you. If she does not (and it appears she doesn't), then you lay down the law. If she refuses to comply, then you simply prepare for the inevitable -- divorce. The way she is behaving tells me she simply does not value you or the marriage.

 

Just my take.

[ASG]

Absolutely

 

 

I'm not talking about going out with friends. I'm talking about going out partying with other men and coming home in the wee hours of the morning.

 

 

I don't mind a SO of mine going out with friends, and I'd encourage it. But there are decent hours to come home.

 

 

Then you and I are talking about 2 very different situations, and what you are talking about seems to be different than what the OP is talking about.

 

 

No, not what I'm saying at all. I encourage a SO to go out once in a while. But if she stumbles in at 3am drunk and something stinks in suburbia, its not going to go over well.

 

 

Right. Ok. But bear in mind her work finishes in the early hours. 2/3am. So if she goes out, obviously she's gonna get home at stupid o'clock. It's just the way it works.

 

If she finished work at 5pm and didn't come home until 9am, then sure, I could understand the "hours" argument. But she didn't. She finished work at 2/3am and got home at 9/10. That's the same as leaving work at 5 and getting home at 11/12. I'm sure that has happened to all of us!

 

Not very long ago I went out with co-workers and what started off as a normal evening out ended up being a 12 hour drinking malarkey. One of my co-workers GF joined us at the pub, had a few drinks and when we decided to carry on partying at someone's house, she declined to join but encouraged her BF to go. He did not get home until 1/2pm the next day, as we ended up crashing at our friend's house.

[thefooloftheyear]

Right. Ok. But bear in mind her work finishes in the early hours. 2/3am. So if she goes out, obviously she's gonna get home at stupid o'clock. It's just the way it works.

 

If she finished work at 5pm and didn't come home until 9am, then sure, I could understand the "hours" argument. But she didn't. She finished work at 2/3am and got home at 9/10. That's the same as leaving work at 5 and getting home at 11/12. I'm sure that has happened to all of us!

 

Not very long ago I went out with co-workers and what started off as a normal evening out ended up being a 12 hour drinking malarkey. One of my co-workers GF joined us at the pub, had a few drinks and when we decided to carry on partying at someone's house, she declined to join but encouraged her BF to go. He did not get home until 1/2pm the next day, as we ended up crashing at our friend's house.

 

 

 

Sounds like kid nonsense....I did that crap too, when I was 18/19 years old...NOT when you are married and a full fledged adult...I would think there would be more sensible judgement involved

 

TFY

[ASG]

Sounds like kid nonsense....I did that crap too, when I was 18/19 years old...NOT when you are married and a full fledged adult...I would think there would be more sensible judgement involved

 

TFY

 

We're all in our late 20s/early 30s. It's definitely NOT a weekly occurrence, but it does happen.

 

But then again, in my line of work, people tend to drink more than your average person.

I have more late nights/party nights now than I did when I was 19. I just don't go to clubs now.

[spanz1]

i would vote: no, its not fine.

 

If it were a bigger party, including a couple women, maybe.

 

Is it possible for a woman to hang out, drunk, with 2 guys and not have sex? Sure. she might just be a good-time girl, be able to hold her liquor well, and never have a cheating thought in her mind the whole time.

 

Is it more likely, since she is drunk and not thinking clearly, that she might have sex with them? Yep.

 

Is alcohol an aphrodesiac for some women, and lowers their inhibitions while simultaneously boosting their libido? Yep

 

Were the two drunk guys thinking of doing his wife sometime during the night? most likely

 

Did they hit on her while they were all drunk? most likely. it is in a single guy's nature. Her being there alone, drinking heavily, is seen as an open invitation.

 

OP knows this, and has this nasty feeling in his gut about it. And her going off on him about tryint to call after 8 hours does NOT fix that gut feeling. Her proper response should have been "omg, you are right...this was a bad idea. I wont do THIS again without a couple of my girlfriends along...."

 

And does anyone really think she does not know all this already? hence the disrespect for the marriage.

 

Marriage trumps having fun by oneself every time.

 

Uggggh. Looks like a bad time ahead for the OP. If i were him, i would start snooping, quietly, for text messages about the party. If he finds any saying "wow, you really love DP, don't you?" he will know the jig is up.