Ex wants to see me for the first time in a long time

[bigman1]

Well there is your answer right there. I don't care what everyone on LS says about meeting up with an ex. I know a lot of well adjusted folks who have friendships with Ex's. Not hanging out and chilling every day, but friendships. An occasional call. A greeting card. Maybe coffee if they are in town. Nothing big. That is not to say that others who can't do that are not well adjusted. I also know folks who don't have friendships with ex's and no contact. Not that it is a cold shoulder or ignore them at all cost type of no contact; rather, they just move in different circles and don't have any contact. Those who run in the same circles or are friendly don't seem to have any problem. This of course only applies to those who have truly moved on. Just my experience.

 

See, if you have moved on, it doesn't matter. It would appear that you have not really moved on, but have moved farther away. Not a bad thing. Not abnormal. Not a sign of weakness. If you cared so much for her that even in a long distance relationship the breakup was so hard that you would rather avoid her or anxiously ruminate over what a request to meet could possibly mean, then don't meet up with her. You are not ready. No problem.

 

If you are hopeful that after all of this time that something could still start up with you two, I would strongly disagree. I would not get my hopes up since it has been 18 months of no contact, 18 months of personal growth apart, 18 months of maturing, so that hardly forms the basis of rekindling anything in a short meeting. As such, at best, you could hope to meet up with her and realize that the "her" in your mind is not the "her" that she is and you realize that you have moved on and could be friendly with her. She could provide some closure for you and her on whatever 18 months has not closed up already. Alternatively, things could go badly.

 

In sum, if you can't handle it, and your post suggests that you may not be able to, then don't do it. I'm always curious, so I would do it, even if I still had feelings. I'll tell you, I once met up with a former lover that I had some very intense feelings for and you know what.... Nothing. When I saw her, and she was still as pretty as ever, still as smart as ever, still everything that I remembered. Even still, I was different. We're friends now. The occasional phone call, facebook message type friends.

[BC1980]

But everyone on LS says there's no absolutely no reason to meet up unless it is to reconcile. Everyone says friendships are not at all possible with an ex. Everyone says NC forever is the only way to go. So if her purpose is not to reconcile why shouldn't I give her the cold shoulder? Why on earth would I want to watch her life in the future unfold with another man? I am not friends with any ex of mine who I have absolutely no feelings for so why would I want to be friends with one that I care so much about?

 

If you are okay with friendship, then I see no problem seeing her. I just get the impression from your posts that you want something more. I truly doubt she wants to reconcile, but it's up to you what you are comfortable with.

[2sunny]

Your not ok being just friends.

 

You're still totally stuck on her. All your threads indicate that.

 

So instead of healing and becoming neutral about her you still have feelings.

 

That is why you will be set back by meeting her. She won't offer you a future and you'll be heart broken all over again.

[2sunny]

Your not ok being just friends.

 

You're still totally stuck on her. All your threads indicate that.

 

So instead of healing and becoming neutral about her you still have feelings.

 

That is why you will be set back by meeting her. She won't offer you a future and you'll be heart broken all over again.

 

She will USE YOU as her ego stroke IF YOU ALLOW it.

 

Don't allow it!

[AquanoxSerp]

Bigman you are my hero. Thanks for restoring my faith in men. It took a beating when I saw how cold, selfish and stupid they can be on here and in real life but now I remember how they are not all that way

[Mangiafuoco]

I haven't seen her in a year and a half and have been NC for 8 months.

 

It was an hard NC? No Facebook, no whatsapp, no any social networks?

[WorkingOut]

But everyone on LS says there's no absolutely no reason to meet up unless it is to reconcile. Everyone says friendships are not at all possible with an ex. Everyone says NC forever is the only way to go. So if her purpose is not to reconcile why shouldn't I give her the cold shoulder? Why on earth would I want to watch her life in the future unfold with another man? I am not friends with any ex of mine who I have absolutely no feelings for so why would I want to be friends with one that I care so much about?

 

 

So what happened Danny? I followed through the entire thread and have been checking back to find out...hasn't this meeting happened? Are you okay? Don't keep us in suspense.

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

Yeah man, what the hell? Spill the beans

[DannyCA]

Yeah man, what the hell? Spill the beans

 

So what happened Danny? I followed through the entire thread and have been checking back to find out...hasn't this meeting happened? Are you okay? Don't keep us in suspense.

 

Sorry I didn't mean to keep everyone in suspense. It was just as I suspected but didn't want to believe. We didn't even meet up. She basically turned it around on me. I asked her the day before we were supposed to meet up if we were still going to meet for coffee. She replied that one of her girlfriends was supposed to work but got the day off so she couldn't meet any longer. I told her we made arrangements to meet one week prior and got irritated and told her she did the same thing one year ago. She said I had the chance to see her when she invited me for drinks a few days earlier but it was my fault I couldn't make the time for that meeting. She offered to talk on the phone when she got back to her home 1,000 miles away. I told her I wasn't interested and left it at that.

 

Sorry it was quite an anticlimactic conclusion. I did have higher hopes than a renewed friendship but I guess it turns out that way.

 

I hope people can learn from my mistake. I don't want to tell people to ever give up hope but sometimes you really do need to just let that person go. It's just kind of frustrating because I really wanted to keep NC but I was just too curious.

 

It's ok though. I still have two years left at my university and am still in my early 20's. It's beyond me why I was still holding onto her. It's almost like she killed that last bit of emotion I had for her that day. I can't say thats a bad thing though...

[BC1980]

Sorry I didn't mean to keep everyone in suspense. It was just as I suspected but didn't want to believe. We didn't even meet up. She basically turned it around on me. I asked her the day before we were supposed to meet up if we were still going to meet for coffee. She replied that one of her girlfriends was supposed to work but got the day off so she couldn't meet any longer. I told her we made arrangements to meet one week prior and got irritated and told her she did the same thing one year ago. She said I had the chance to see her when she invited me for drinks a few days earlier but it was my fault I couldn't make the time for that meeting. She offered to talk on the phone when she got back to her home 1,000 miles away. I told her I wasn't interested and left it at that.

 

Sorry it was quite an anticlimactic conclusion. I did have higher hopes than a renewed friendship but I guess it turns out that way.

 

I hope people can learn from my mistake. I don't want to tell people to ever give up hope but sometimes you really do need to just let that person go. It's just kind of frustrating because I really wanted to keep NC but I was just too curious.

 

It's ok though. I still have two years left at my university and am still in my early 20's. It's beyond me why I was still holding onto her. It's almost like she killed that last bit of emotion I had for her that day. I can't say thats a bad thing though...

 

What she did was pretty insulting. She has little regard to how she might have made you feel. If anything, I would use this a way to move. Remember this incident next time you feel any sentiment for her.

[DannyCA]

What she did was pretty insulting. She has little regard to how she might have made you feel. If anything, I would use this a way to move. Remember this incident next time you feel any sentiment for her.

 

Oh absolutely! Thanks for all your input over the past few weeks

[WorkingOut]

What she did was pretty insulting. She has little regard to how she might have made you feel. If anything, I would use this a way to move. Remember this incident next time you feel any sentiment for her.

 

Isn't it amazing though? How much time WE spend thinking about what it all means? Analyzing every word. Trying to find some key to how the dumper is thinking or feeling at any given time?

 

We look for the slightest hint for hours, days, weeks, months ( you get the idea ) and in the end it might be nothing more to the dumper than a whim or a drink or a lunar cycle.

 

We need to stop letting one person have this much power over our lives.

Is he or she putting one fraction of the time in that you spend thinking about your relationship? Sadly no.

 

Armed with that, it 's time to think only of yourself. You deserve it.

[EgoJoe]

I think that you may have overinvested with your first text. She initiated and then she escalated.

 

 

Without any sort of information you snapped a bit and shoved it in her face. Your attempt to repair it and meet didn't go well because she now had a recent bad taste in her mouth.

 

To save face when you requested to meet, she agreed and then she cancelled because she was scared.

 

 

Whatever rationale she is utilizing is in my opinion likely stemming from those basic emotions no matter how invested she may or may not have been at the time of initial contact.

[bigman1]

Well there you go. That was not anti-climatic, it was predictable and good. The evolved you got to see her for how she has evolved or not and BOOM. All that old lovey feeling is gone. Congrats on shedding some baggage.

[Summerrose2013]

She just texted me about an hour ago. This is what she said (word for word):

 

"PLEASE talk to me! I really want to work things out. This is ridiculous. It's been so long. Please forgive me. I'm visiting and I just want to talk it out."

 

This is the third time in 8 months she has texted me and I still haven't responded. I have no idea what her intentions are but I can now see why begging for an ex back is so unattractive. I kind of feel bad for her that she's begging for me to talk to her.

 

Priceless......

Edited October 6, 2014 by Summerrose2013

[DannyCA]

I guess you can consider this an update of sorts.

 

So I'm probably going to get crap for this, but I thought I'd post anyway. I saw my ex (lets call her Carly) for the first time in more than two years last month. Yes the Carly that pretty much every single post of mine has been about.

 

Keep in mind I'm posting this not because I want advice, but just to share. I love reading people's responses.

 

Lately, I've been spending a lot more time by myself even though I am still in college. I have been doing a lot of hiking and camping by myself. Thanks to a poster on here named Grumpybutfun, I checked out this book called "Man's Search For Meaning" by Viktor E. Frankl. It is quite possibly one of the best books I have ever read.

 

So on to Carly. One of my camping and hiking trips I planned over my 5 week winter break from school was close to where she lives now (we were long distance 1,000 miles.) So I gave it a shot and contacted her one week prior to me going up there. To say the least she was very excited to hear from me. It was a complete shocker to me.

 

So when I contacted her, I told her what days I would be there and she had all those days off from work but had school two of those days. So I told her my plans and she even made plans for us to do while I was there. Basically she planned days for us to go to bars and breweries together. She planned the movies and dinner for us. She wanted to join me on one of my hikes. And she even offered to let me stay at her place if I needed. I didn't.

 

So the day I drove up there she kept texting me all day asking where I was and what time I would be there. After about 14 hours of driving and it being 1am, she knew I was tired so she told me to call her if I was getting too sleepy to drive even though she had school the next day at 7am.

 

In the past two years she has never been so cordial to me.

 

So when I get there the next day we get drinks and dinner. We catch each other up and talk about what has happened between us the last 2 years. She admitted to being childish and told me everything she thought she did and handled wrong in BU, and so did I (because she wasn't the only one to make mistakes). After a few hours we go back to her place, she made me food, we hung out a little more (nothing happened) then we planned the hike for the next day.

 

So the next day she bailed on the hike (even though she invited herself and was excited about it). After my hike, we met up for the movies and more drinks.

 

The two days we hung out were great. Quite frankly, we got along just as good if not better than when we dated. It was like we were a combination of our old selves and the newer improved versions.

 

I should note during our two days together some things happened that I didn't expect. She brought me around her parents and they were super excited to see me again. She told me she's pretty sure her parents still want us to get married. She told me that she still sleeps in my old t-shirt and hoodie sweatshirt I gave her. And I noticed all her tendencies come back from when we first started dating like her stuttering laugh when shes nervous around me and her starry eyed look. Also in the past when we would talk she was so adamant about never leaving this new place she was living because she loved it there. Now apparently she hates it there and can't wait to move back to where I live once she's done with school. She must have told me that she's going to move back like 10 times when we hung out.

 

Now is the weird part. The third and last day I would have been in town she bailed on me completely. She had school, but she said she was feeling sick from all the drinking we were doing. I offered to hang out with her at her place and keep it simple and she told me "she would rather be by herself and just sleep early."

 

The last time I heard that exact phrase, we broke up 3 weeks later.

 

The reason I bring up the book by Frankl is because it has taught me the value of being honest to not only others but also yourself. Of having a goal that sets meaning to your life. In this I have realized I have no business being in a RS until I feel I have become the best man I can be on my own. I can honestly say Carly is the only woman I want to be with. I can whole-heartedly agree that might be foolish, but it's how I feel. With that being said I still have much more learning to do. So if she told me tomorrow she wanted to get back together, I can honestly say I would decline.

 

But still two years post BU, after all the time I've spent alone, after all the fun I've had being single, after all the dates I've gone on, after being in a RS after Carly, after all the women I've slept with, Carly is still the only one on my mind everyday.