I found out his FB password... should I take a quick look?

[smackie9]

I always say go by their actions not what they tell you. If you find his actions not appropriate, then that's because they are not...if he doesn't know what proper boundaries are for a relationship then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him, simple as that. No guy is worth the trouble, especially if he makes you feel uncomfortable...it means it's time to go.

[dichotomy]

We've been dating 2 months. He is ALWAYS texting girls on his phone. (BTW, I have NEVER looked at his phone.) Whenever I look over his shoulder on Facebook, there are new messages from girls.

 

I'm almost 30, and I don't want to play games. I don't want to be with someone who is going to screw me over and invest in this relationship is he is going to be a cheater...or even an emotional cheater will be the end of it for me.

 

On the positive side, he is with me VERY often...probably 5/7 days a week...not too much time to get one in on the side.

 

Yes? or... No?

 

What do you guys think?

 

 

Depends, two months is not very long - is the expectation or understanding you two are exclusive now and headed somewhere? If its just the early stage dating and neither of you are sure yet what you (as a couple) are doing, then no - don't spy.

 

But if it looks like he and you are headed towards some exclusive LTR and love, then yes look....because you ARE seeing some red flags (texting other girls) I have found (looking back) after a relationship ends - that what bothers me most is not cheating... but wasting my time with a liar (who they really are) or a cheater when I could have been chasing a better partner.

 

If I could go back in time - with some relationships - I would have a more heart to heart talk with someone I was seeing about commitments - something along the lines of "I would like to be exclusive with you and that means a great deal to me when I am exclusive with someone" and/or "what would you consider exclusive? - what would you consider cheating/disrespectful behavior in an exclusive relationship?".

Edited September 3, 2014 by dichotomy

[Emissary]

Do it, it's almost certain you won't get caught. It's immoral for certain, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him, but it can take a load of your shoulders.

 

First off, on your Facebook, check if he allows people to see if he's online or not. If he allows this, quickly turn it off as soon as you log in his account, this will make it unlikely anybody notices his account has been accessed recently. Also don't do it while he's at work, anybody on his friends list that knows his schedule might notice he's suddenly online and ask unwanted questions later. Make sure to return all privacy settings to normal before logging off.

 

Be quick, and be prepared to log out and exit ASAP if he arrives unexpectedly.

[Versacehottie]

wondering with this much distrust, why you would even want to bother moving forward? You know the answer in your gut (ie whether you are being overly jealous or if he is not to be trusted) why are you looking for permission from us to be dishonest and sneaky on your end? That's a no backbone move. If he is not being honest or you're fearful that he isn't, just say something to him. If you already know he's cheated, why are you sticking around to even confirm or have that discussion. If you know you have a tendency to be overly suspicious and jealous, well then check yourself before you ruin a good thing.

 

Lastly at 2 months in, maybe you and he have differing ideas of your true levels of commitment to each other? Be real with your expectations. You can't control someone into loving you.

[Spectre]

I disagree with people saying it is wrong to do this. I don't care if they have only been together two months, because whether it has been 2 days, 2 months, or two years it is never okay to cheat on someone. Unless you had a talk about how you guys were not going to be exclusive..there is no reason to cheat, no matter how new the relationship is.

 

I don't think in this specific scenario it is wrong because he gave her valid reasons to be checking this. Even if there was no prior drama in the relationship..why is this guy who has a girlfriend texting other girls on a frequent basis? If these girls are merely "friends" and nothing more then the guy would not need to be texting them so much. It is about boundaries and if he doesn't see why this behavior is wrong then I would be worried, even if it turns out he isn't cheating..there is still the issue of "this guy feels it is okay to be constantly texting other women".

 

I do feel people have a right to privacy. However, he gave her a reason to worry..and sorry, his privacy does *not* trump her getting her heart broken, it is actually the other way around. This guy can get over a breach of privacy pretty quickly, while getting over a person betraying you by cheating is much more painful. So yeah, if he wasn't acting shady then yeah I would say she has no right, but since he is? She does. He has no right to waste her time if he has so little respect for her that he would fool around with other people and not even have the balls to admit it. The OP is 30, so given her age I'm guessing she wants to date a man instead of a little boy, and behavior like this is that of a little boy.

[todreaminblue]

if you have a problem sit down with him discuss your concerns like a thirty year old and if he says he wont do it anymore let it go and have some trust if you care for him and want to be with him....give him a chance...until it is obvious without underhanded tactics like a key logger that he is texting women.......if he continues to text women....tell him goodbye...forget the keylogger.....hold your head up and walk away...i had an ex who gave me his password as i set up his facebook, his email......he trusted me.......he left it logged in on my computer .....he often asked me to get on it for him..what was written to other women was no surprise i knew already.......deb

[Spectre]

if you have a problem sit down with him discuss your concerns like a thirty year old and if he says he wont do it anymore let it go and have some trust if you care for him and want to be with him....give him a chance...until it is obvious without underhanded tactics like a key logger that he is texting women.......if he continues to text women....tell him goodbye...forget the keylogger.....hold your head up and walk away...i had an ex who gave me his password as i set up his facebook, his email......he trusted me.......he left it logged in on my computer .....he often asked me to get on it for him..what was written to other women was no surprise i knew already.......deb

 

Problem is if he is cheating then her merely telling him she has a problem with it might lead him to just delete any evidence.

 

What I would do is this: check the facebook and if she doesn't find anything to suggest cheating then she doesn't even mention to him what she did, but she DOES still talk to him about how him texting other girls all the time is making her feel.

[smackie9]

IMO if that is the way you feel that the possiblility is there that they would be hiding evidence, then what is the point in being with this person. Screw the investigating, just dump them.

[todreaminblue]

Problem is if he is cheating then her merely telling him she has a problem with it might lead him to just delete any evidence.

 

What I would do is this: check the facebook and if she doesn't find anything to suggest cheating then she doesn't even mention to him what she did, but she DOES still talk to him about how him texting other girls all the time is making her feel.

 

how i look at it spectre that if you lie , if you cheat on your spouse, steal , whatever you do ......it pretty much always gets found out eventually.......by her simply letting him know her thoughts on this,sitting down with him and talking abotu where the relationship is going and her wishes on fidelity and exclusivity..... it gives him a chance yes to delete messages or whatever.....become more covert in his actions a probability....but if he is any sort of guy he will stop....if he realizes he truly cares for her he will stop.......

 

 

if he doesnt stop and does become more covert she will know...because when a guy is worried he is going to get found out....that is when mistakes are made or tells......when guys become shifty in behaviors.....and she can let him go...she is aware now and her eyes are open......

 

 

it isnt weakness on her behalf to give him the benefit of the doubt.......its just handing him the rope what he does with it will be his choice.......but then ...maybe the best thing is just to leave......i always give chances.......and i have found.....i do always find out what i need to know.......it really depends on whether this guy is worth the effort and the fight to stay with.....and i dont know if he is or isnt............deb

[Spectre]

The thing is..this very forum goes to show that cheating doesn't always get found out. I can't even count how many times I've seen women talking about how they cheated, but never told their partners.

[smackie9]

Most already know people are going to go through their phone and crap. Like one person I know just got a second cel phone, and deleted their FB page.