Someone else's kid who always wants to be around me. How to deal?

[Clear]

Alright, So I am a busy and active stay at home mom, and I enjoy my job for the most part. I live next to a family that I don't really talk to, they have great jobs and nice things however, It appears that their little tween girl has taking a liking to me. Every day she would come over to talk to me, and little by little she has made her way inside my small, less than attractive home.

 

See, I have no idea how to entertain a girl this age. I don't want to give her age away, but she is under 13. I have toddlers and I can't remember for the life of me when I was around a young coming of age girl. To keep this girl busy in my home,I was giving her my computer and Ipads to use, but soon after I realized, she really doesn't want to use them, its like she wants to talk to me all the time. She also needs a lot of validation, she talks constantly about her accomplishments and herself, and of course I treat her with the utmost respect and I give her tons of validation but it's getting very exhausting. She wants to be over at my house all the time. I don't know her parents very well,they never made an effort to get to know us. We are thinking the girls father has issues trusting his wife (we noticed the mom is very flirtatious around the neighborhood). Also, We do know her parents like to party till the wee hours of the morning on some weekends. Her moms face is real ruff. Perhaps, drinks often.However, they seem to have the girls involved in dancing and sports, so they can't be THAT BAD??!! idk..

 

I guess my question is, how I do I deal with a girl this age? I'd rather have her parents deal with her, but at the same time,what if she is having problems? I feel that perhaps, she has taken me on as a mother model type? Or are kids this tween age just pesty and want to bother everyone if you let them?? . Cause of this is the case I am gonna have to lock my doors, Lol.

 

I just dont understand why in the world would this kid want to spend time with a boring housewife like myself. Anywho,Any suggestions would be very welcomed.I was raised with a great stay at home mom, so I can't relate to the working parents kids. If her parents were working all day you would think she would miss them and want to be around them. Doesnt make sense...

Edited August 20, 2014 by Clear

[Hope Shimmers]

She wants to spend time with you because you make time to listen to her and her own parents don't.

 

It's sad.

[Smilecharmer]

She sounds starved for feminine attention. However, be careful that you place boundaries by making sure she has a set time she can come and a set time period to stay as your responsibility are your own children. I'm very affectionate as a person so my kids friends always wanted to be with me so I had to just set boundaries of where they could be with me. If I was in my office, my bedroom, or my bathroom, they needed to give me space and not follow me. Poor little girl needs attention from her mother...is there any way you can talk to her mother to let her know she seems to need more attention?

[littleplanet]

Of course she's starved for attention.

Her own mom's work, boozing and flirtations get in the way.

You're something entirely different than all that in her life, and she's reaching out.

 

No, it's not normal for tweens to latch onto adults. At that age, normal kids tend to focus more on their own age group, and adults aren't cool.

There's obviously something missing in her life. That is what she's looking to you for.

It says a lot - that she'd rather talk to you than bury herself in computers.

Or constantly text friends.

 

What to do about it? You don't know her parents. So unless there's an avenue for discussion there, it's between you and the kid.

The sad thing is....kids that age often don't know how to talk about what's really going on in their lives.

I'd strongly suspect she's looking to you for validation because she doesn't get it at home.

And because you do give her validation - that's what she keeps coming back for.

But of course - for your sake, and hers, you have to set some boundaries.

 

When I was that age - kids like this would end up becoming helpers.

(Smart neighbor parents.)

The boys would end up doing yard chores, washing cars, cleaning out garages.....

The girls would end up helping to take care of the little guys. (Gender difference, I know...)

But the reasons they'd hang around were often just as you describe.

 

Bottom line - she feels more comfortable in your home, than her own.

You need to restrict the number of visits and the amount of time.

If you find her genuinely likeable, then a few gentle little nudges might get that point across. Learning boundaries is part of growing up.

[GorillaTheater]

I know you don't want this kid in your hair all the time, but I would be as kind to her as you can. This is an opportunity to have a very positive impact in a young person's life, and it's an honor in a sense.

 

And maybe you can foist off some housework on her.

[preraph]

I had that happen with a tween boy once whose parents were fighting and about to divorce. And I have NO kids. He came over with a sister wanting to earn money picking up leaves and found out I had an electronic game. I worked at home then. He was a good kid. First thing I did was make him call his mother each and every time he showed up to tell her where he was and ask if it was okay. I had to just tell him when I needed to work and set boundaries. He liked to help me cook. He was being bullied on his way to school as well. His mom had 2 daughters plus infant twins, and the dad was a total deadbeat, so you see the problem right there. He was the oldest, being called upon to babysit a lot, etc. He was the man of the house and he was under a lot of pressure. CPS eventually split the kids up and gave him to his awful dad, which really pissed me off. What they needed to do was put the dad in a work crew and take his paycheck and send it to the mom. I couldn't solve that boy's problems. I wish I could have.

 

Let the girl talk to you if you feel like dealing with it on top of your other motherly duties. If you don't feel like dealing with it, have her use your phone to call her mom and then after she leaves to go home, call her mom back and tell her she needs to talk to her about only coming over when invited. And then maybe invite her over once a month for soup and sandwich or whatever.

 

If you don't mind her popping in, then you need to at least set some rules. Tell her not to come between such and such hours and that she can only stay 30 minutes.

[Clear]

Just an update for those who responded, and thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it really helped me evaluate the situation. What was killing me here was guilt, guilt of knowing that I can be a positive influence and figure in this girls life, and knowing that I did NOT want that role. That is the core of the issue.

 

I learned this girl does have anger issues and seeks counselling for it. She is a nice girl girl to me, and it's not a side I have yet to see. However, I think her visits are a little tiring and overwhelming for me. She simply needs too much attention, and myself having two kids under the age of 5, I can't be that person. Yes, she can visit me once a week, maybe twice if I open the door, but that is it, the other times I simply will not answer the door or I will continue to turn her away as I have been doing the past few days.

 

ALso, I was also a little upset that she took my daughter's new toys. My family was unemployed and below poverty for almost a year, thankfully the husband got a great job, and last week it made me feel SO GOOD to take my little girl to the toy store and let her pick out a few new toys, adventure toys. It warmed my heart, but I was upset that this girl took them from my daughter and kept them for herself. Her parents have good jobs, and she has tons of toys, why take my daughters? Not something I wanted to get upset about, it just made my decision easier to cut ties.

 

It's sad, I do see her mother as rough and going through a mid life crises, she's older and doing the whole Miley Cyrus style thing, but I can't take another role. My kids need me and their attention right now. This girl has a big personality that can suck out the attention out of the whole room. I literately ignore my kids the whole time she is here because she is talking to me. It's sad and mean of me, but I trust her parents are trying. They took her camping for a whole weekend, that really is a great effort on their part.

Edited August 26, 2014 by Clear

[Zeurich]

It is pretty sad she needs attention what she does not get from her own parents and home. But I know it send us nuts. I experience the same thing. But Now the boy is gone to another area,,

[dreamingoftigers]

Did you talk to her about the toys?

[preraph]

You definitely need to not let her steal things like that. If her mom won't teach her and she takes your things, you have every right to say something.