The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[2sunny]

If you just stopped seeing and speaking with your OW you might be capable of thinking clearly.

 

Then you could make a decision from that point.

[truncated]

I was browsing around on here, trying to get a feel for the site. I saw your thread was really long and thought it might be worth reading.

 

I can say that I never thought an online conversation could me me this angry, but it did.

 

To the man who is cheating on his wife and who has a son who he knows is dealing with depression.

 

I say this as someone who has had a child who battled the same illness and lost.

 

Right now, your son needs to be your first priority. Seeing him through this illness and making sure that he has your support 100% should be the most important thing right now, not throwing him into the fire of having to deal with his parents divorcing, not adding extra stress to his life and his mother's life and the lives of his siblings.

 

He should be your number one concern and not this other lady. BTW, it really tells you something about her that she is pressuring you to divorce when she knows your son is dealing with a mental illness. Who cares about him as long as she's happy? It really says a lot about you that you are more worried about how she is going to handle all of this than your son.

 

You had better get your head on straight and smarten the h@ll up, otherwise, you might find yourself dealing with something a whole lot worse than having a broken heart because you lot your other woman. The interesting thing is that you say she's so unhappy and doesn't want to be married, yet she won't leave unless you do? She's no better than you in all of this. She's doing the same thing.

 

I also don't get all these people saying that you should divorce right now because being with your other woman is what would make you happy, and your kids will adjust. I can assure you, kids with depression don't simply "adjust". Having divorced parents won't be some sort of "adventure" for him. You'd really consider adding more pressure on to a kid who is already fighting a really hard battle, and you have people saying that's okay?

 

I am sorry to sound cruel, but you really need a wake up call, and people being gentle with you doesn't seem to be getting through.

 

See your son through his battle. Be there for him without adding any extra pressure or making him feel like he's stuck in the middle. People can say the courts can settle things like this, but a piece of paper from a judge can't tell him how to feel.

 

I haven't cheated on my spouse, nor him on me, and I've not been an other woman.

 

What I have been is the parent of a child who we were lucky enough to have in our lives, at least until the depression got to be too much for her. trust me, you do not want to be where we have been and where we, and our other children, will be for the rest of our lives without her.

 

We though she was getting better and that she was dealing with the stress in her life, but we were wrong.

 

No other woman, no amount of romantic love, sex or anything else is worth that price.

[conflictedlove]

Conflicted, I just want you to know that I see what you wrote, thank you for your compliments, and I've read through what you've put up. I'm not ignoring you, I'm just headed out to the gym with the kids and it'll be a bit before I can give your post the attention it deserves.

 

Hi Redhead,

 

Thank you!!! You are so comforting. Tell your H he has a great catch! I'm sure he knows this already.

 

I spoke with mow today and had a chance to run some errands with my w. I tried to joke with my w about splitting assets as we may be selling our home soon. she's didn't take the joke well at all.

 

At the same time, mow and i spoke today and she would love nothing more than to tell her h its over. she's really waiting for me and she is also conflicted over her 2 kids as they settled in school and friends.

 

right now.....there's no easy way out. i need to find mow another job outside of our company. that way, i'll know for sure if we are going to make it or not. i even wonder if she would become detoxed from us once we are apart from work.

[conflictedlove]

If you just stopped seeing and speaking with your OW you might be capable of thinking clearly.

 

Then you could make a decision from that point.

 

Hi Sunny

 

Yes you are right! I have thought about this and you just reminded me of it.

 

I thin about when I don't see mow and at times, its like not having your child pull on you constantly. She's a high need personality. I like it yet I find i need time to get away and think for myself.

 

i really believe if mow gets another job, we will see less of each other for a few months and that might be the very thing that slowly subsides. Then everyone is not harmed.

 

I can only assume if your ex h had walked away from his ap, you would still be together?

[conflictedlove]

I was browsing around on here, trying to get a feel for the site. I saw your thread was really long and thought it might be worth reading.

 

I can say that I never thought an online conversation could me me this angry, but it did.

 

To the man who is cheating on his wife and who has a son who he knows is dealing with depression.

 

I say this as someone who has had a child who battled the same illness and lost.

 

Right now, your son needs to be your first priority. Seeing him through this illness and making sure that he has your support 100% should be the most important thing right now, not throwing him into the fire of having to deal with his parents divorcing, not adding extra stress to his life and his mother's life and the lives of his siblings.

 

He should be your number one concern and not this other lady. BTW, it really tells you something about her that she is pressuring you to divorce when she knows your son is dealing with a mental illness. Who cares about him as long as she's happy? It really says a lot about you that you are more worried about how she is going to handle all of this than your son.

 

You had better get your head on straight and smarten the h@ll up, otherwise, you might find yourself dealing with something a whole lot worse than having a broken heart because you lot your other woman. The interesting thing is that you say she's so unhappy and doesn't want to be married, yet she won't leave unless you do? She's no better than you in all of this. She's doing the same thing.

 

I also don't get all these people saying that you should divorce right now because being with your other woman is what would make you happy, and your kids will adjust. I can assure you, kids with depression don't simply "adjust". Having divorced parents won't be some sort of "adventure" for him. You'd really consider adding more pressure on to a kid who is already fighting a really hard battle, and you have people saying that's okay?

 

I am sorry to sound cruel, but you really need a wake up call, and people being gentle with you doesn't seem to be getting through.

 

See your son through his battle. Be there for him without adding any extra pressure or making him feel like he's stuck in the middle. People can say the courts can settle things like this, but a piece of paper from a judge can't tell him how to feel.

 

I haven't cheated on my spouse, nor him on me, and I've not been an other woman.

 

What I have been is the parent of a child who we were lucky enough to have in our lives, at least until the depression got to be too much for her. trust me, you do not want to be where we have been and where we, and our other children, will be for the rest of our lives without her.

 

We though she was getting better and that she was dealing with the stress in her life, but we were wrong.

 

No other woman, no amount of romantic love, sex or anything else is worth that price.

 

Truncated

 

Please, first and foremost accept my condolences. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. This breaks my heart. To no end. Your comments are like a searing hot knife cutting through all the emotions of what i've been bound by. The emotional toxicity is difficult to see through until a situation like yours comes up. It somehow re calibrates life.

 

My son does suffer from mild depression and i've got him in sports. he claims he doesn't want to do it but i'm forcing him anyway. I believe he will be ok once he gets started this weekend. I also know he's board and he doesn't have many friends. Through sports and just starting school I feel confident he will but i plan to have him see a psychologist anyway.

 

The biggest gamble i cannot take is my son. I would do anything for him, anything. I couldn't imagine a world without him. I don't know if i could cope. I really don't.

 

I think i need to take some time to cry. This is heartbreaking

[2sunny]

No, you wouldn't do ANYTHING for your son.

 

You are forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do and betraying his Mom.

 

Stop lying to us here. You lie then do NOTHING to change your crappy situation we told you NOT TO DO almost two years ago.

 

Do something to try and at least make yourself a decent person and a decent father to help your son - he needs YOU and your time with him.

 

It doesn't matter if you hurt at this point - you're going to have pain - but help your son so he doesn't have to have so much pain. Spend time with him and get him professional help!

 

Stop thinking of yourself all the time!

[Survivor12]

If you sincerely "would do anything for your son", then instead of making him participate in a sport against his will, spend that time WITH him. Find out how he feels and what he thinks...get to know him instead of assuming that it will be okay because that's what you want to believe.

 

Think about this for a minute--even though you aren't able to make up YOUR mind about what you want to do, you feel capable of knowing exactly what everyone around you is thinking, how they feel (or would feel) and what is best for them. Instead of presuming to know, tell them all the truth & find out how they REALLY feel.

 

Tell your wife that you are having another affair & that you want out of your marriage but you've stayed because you believe that she can't survive without you. Tell the OW that you aren't sure if you really want to be with her, that you would like for her to either just quietly go away or settle for just an affair. Let them decide for themselves what they want & need. If nothing else, it will reduce the number of possibilities & potential options that are swimming around in your head.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Hi Redhead,

 

Thank you!!! You are so comforting. Tell your H he has a great catch! I'm sure he knows this already.

 

Thank you! And I did reply to you, but for whatever reason I'm not seeing it. I'm sure I must have not waited long enough after hitting submit or something, so I'm sorry.

 

I spoke with mow today and had a chance to run some errands with my w. I tried to joke with my w about splitting assets as we may be selling our home soon. she's didn't take the joke well at all.

 

Well, that's a hard one to take as a joke. If you leave, in hindsight she'll see that maybe you weren't so much joking as you were feeling her out.

 

At the same time, mow and i spoke today and she would love nothing more than to tell her h its over. she's really waiting for me and she is also conflicted over her 2 kids as they settled in school and friends.

 

It's obvious you two are trying to do right by the kids in some form, and that's good. I think that maybe floating by her the idea that you may not be ready to leave in a while and gauging her response might be the way to go... Every day that goes by where she thinks you're definitely going to leave is another day she becomes more invested and less likely to let go. People tend to respond poorly to risking everything on the assumption that their partner is risking right along with them, but then finding out they're not as far out on that limb as you.

 

While it may provoke a fight, I think telling her honestly that you're having doubts and gauging her response is a key step now. How she responds is going to go a long way to helping you narrow down your decision. If she's unsympathetic, flies off the handle, and reacts with a down-and-dirty, vicious argument, it may be time to rethink the situation. If she's upset and you argue, but it's at least a productive argument where people aren't trying to hurt each other over what they see as transgressions, then you get some key insight into how she maybe is invested in you and willing to wait, as opposed to have reached a point where the risk is too high and people need to start calling bluffs. Plus, it'll give you insight into the dynamic of your relationship post-divorce and how she'll react to the many challenging things that will cross your path and if you think your relationship will survive or will be of a type worth giving up on your marriage.

 

right now.....there's no easy way out. i need to find mow another job outside of our company. that way, i'll know for sure if we are going to make it or not. i even wonder if she would become detoxed from us once we are apart from work.

 

She won't. Just like your wife didn't presumably love you less when you went to work and left her behind at home or wherever, MOW won't either. Considering this is a step she's waiting for, she may get more invested.

[truncated]

Truncated

 

Please, first and foremost accept my condolences. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. This breaks my heart. To no end. Your comments are like a searing hot knife cutting through all the emotions of what i've been bound by. The emotional toxicity is difficult to see through until a situation like yours comes up. It somehow re calibrates life.

 

My son does suffer from mild depression and i've got him in sports. he claims he doesn't want to do it but i'm forcing him anyway. I believe he will be ok once he gets started this weekend. I also know he's board and he doesn't have many friends. Through sports and just starting school I feel confident he will but i plan to have him see a psychologist anyway.

 

The biggest gamble i cannot take is my son. I would do anything for him, anything. I couldn't imagine a world without him. I don't know if i could cope. I really don't.

 

I think i need to take some time to cry. This is heartbreaking

 

You are on the right track with physical activity, but organized sports may be too much for him right now. Something less organized may be better.

Getting him to a psychiatrist is really important, as a lot of teens with depression will try to minimize it. the thing with our daughter was that she seemed so severely depressed, with lots of obvious signs like sobbing, wanting to be alone, lack of sleep. She was eeing a psychiatrist, etc.

 

One day, she seemed to stop the overt signs, and we thought she was getting better. We mistook her apathy for improvement. We were wrong.

 

Teens with depression face all the other challenges others do, plus the ones inside their own mind. this is why I am saying to you that, right now, all of this relationship needs to be put on the back burner for now.

 

Teens have a way of not trusting their parents at the best of times, and if you and his mom are splitting up, he'll ave a huge weight on him, plus he may feel like he can't go to you for support.

 

If your other woman loves you, she will understand that right now is not the time for you to be breaking your family apart. If she love you, she will wait until the timing is better. She will accept taht you aren't lvin and stop pressuring you to leave. I know it's not going to be a popular toguht here, but I assume she knows about your son ahvng some issues right now, and the fact that she is pressuring you to leave knwoing it could really hurt yur son, speaks volumes about her. She sounds quite selfish.

 

If she is able to think of his well being first, she'd stop pressuirng you and either elve her marraige on her own, or step back so you can be the parent he needs right now.

 

Notice she isn't doing that? It sounds more like she wants to leave, but is too chicken to do so unless she has a safety net in you.

[Owl]

Truncated

 

 

The biggest gamble i cannot take is my son. I would do anything for him, anything. I couldn't imagine a world without him. I don't know if i could cope. I really don't.

 

 

THEN END YOUR AFFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you would do ANYTHING for him...as stated clearly above...

 

THEN END YOUR AFFAIR AND BECOME THE HUSBAND/FATHER/ROLEMODEL THAT YOU'RE EFFIN' SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

'nuff said.

 

Let's see if you're truly the man, the father, that you claim to be above.

 

I'm betting against ya, just so you're tracking. Would be amazed to be proven wrong.

[Owl]

And.....crickets.

 

Not surprised. OP appears (to me) to be someone who writes a good game...but that's as far as it will ever go.

 

He doesn't want change...just like the vast majority of MM out there, he wants them both, forever...but he salves his conscience by coming here and publicly flogging himself.

 

I'm sorry friend...most posters stopped buying into the crocodile tears and hand wringing long ago.

 

It's time to stop talking...and start doing.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Owl

[conflictedlove]

You are on the right track with physical activity, but organized sports may be too much for him right now. Something less organized may be better.

Getting him to a psychiatrist is really important, as a lot of teens with depression will try to minimize it. the thing with our daughter was that she seemed so severely depressed, with lots of obvious signs like sobbing, wanting to be alone, lack of sleep. She was eeing a psychiatrist, etc.

 

One day, she seemed to stop the overt signs, and we thought she was getting better. We mistook her apathy for improvement. We were wrong.

 

Teens with depression face all the other challenges others do, plus the ones inside their own mind. this is why I am saying to you that, right now, all of this relationship needs to be put on the back burner for now.

 

Teens have a way of not trusting their parents at the best of times, and if you and his mom are splitting up, he'll ave a huge weight on him, plus he may feel like he can't go to you for support.

 

If your other woman loves you, she will understand that right now is not the time for you to be breaking your family apart. If she love you, she will wait until the timing is better. She will accept taht you aren't lvin and stop pressuring you to leave. I know it's not going to be a popular toguht here, but I assume she knows about your son ahvng some issues right now, and the fact that she is pressuring you to leave knwoing it could really hurt yur son, speaks volumes about her. She sounds quite selfish.

 

If she is able to think of his well being first, she'd stop pressuirng you and either elve her marraige on her own, or step back so you can be the parent he needs right now.

 

Notice she isn't doing that? It sounds more like she wants to leave, but is too chicken to do so unless she has a safety net in you.

 

Hi Truncated,

 

Yes, you are right about mow and perhaps it is a bit selfish. I do need to be a parent first. Something mow has talked to me about often is trying to understand where my son is as its is less of a challenge for to recall those days as a teen vs me because of our age gap.

 

I'm sure my son, who just started high school, already has the social pressures of dressing and being accepted. If he's in a sport, i'm hoping he will feel more accepted and be more open to engaging relationships.

 

What i struggle with, and I think its partly an unknown as some won't answer it here, is that, mow is ready to leave her h and it isn't just the intimacy although that was a part of the problem she had. Now that she has a way out in me, i don't want to "a way out", i would rather be "the one" and its hard to believe. I think about some have successfully managed to move on and i think about my w and wonder who she will end up with. i don't like the idea of sharing my w or mow but i can't have both. if i had to choose today, its a lose / lose no matter what.

 

its been 2 yrs already with my a and mow. i know she can't wait much longer as she is tolerating her marriage. i am too but not as bad as her. the one thing i realize is that with my w, i am the decision maker to a super high degree. with mow, i might be too but it would be more even. the one thing i recognize and although i know mow doesn't believe she would have an a again, its possible. that idea feels like i could throw away the bland yet predictable for the blossoming yet uncertain relationship with mow

[conflictedlove]

It's obvious you two are trying to do right by the kids in some form, and that's good. I think that maybe floating by her the idea that you may not be ready to leave in a while and gauging her response might be the way to go... Every day that goes by where she thinks you're definitely going to leave is another day she becomes more invested and less likely to let go. People tend to respond poorly to risking everything on the assumption that their partner is risking right along with them, but then finding out they're not as far out on that limb as you.

 

While it may provoke a fight, I think telling her honestly that you're having doubts and gauging her response is a key step now. How she responds is going to go a long way to helping you narrow down your decision. If she's unsympathetic, flies off the handle, and reacts with a down-and-dirty, vicious argument, it may be time to rethink the situation. If she's upset and you argue, but it's at least a productive argument where people aren't trying to hurt each other over what they see as transgressions, then you get some key insight into how she maybe is invested in you and willing to wait, as opposed to have reached a point where the risk is too high and people need to start calling bluffs. Plus, it'll give you insight into the dynamic of your relationship post-divorce and how she'll react to the many challenging things that will cross your path and if you think your relationship will survive or will be of a type worth giving up on your marriage.

 

 

 

She won't. Just like your wife didn't presumably love you less when you went to work and left her behind at home or wherever, MOW won't either. Considering this is a step she's waiting for, she may get more invested.

 

Hi Red,

 

wow....you know this situation and almost can forecast it to a t! it's somewhat frightening because i made some assumptions that mow is invested but would get distracted by another job but that's unlikely to outweigh WHY she got the other job. The other job came as a result of a next step into us coming together and leaving our m and w.

 

Thank you Red for your understanding and right now, if i had been more strategic about it, i should have kept approx count on how many times mow brings up leaving her h and us being together, i think it happens more often now then ever before. she even shared she had a dream we got caught by her h and she felt RELIEF! feeling like she could actually be open and tell her h its over and start our next step. We can't do this as long as we work at the same business as well as what you stated, i feel obligated to some degree to my w and kids and i have to be able to get where your H got..to still be an influence on my kids w/o feeling like i'm abandoning them.

 

I do feel after reading your words of support that i can't live between 2 decisions for long. i'm at the crossroad now...but underneath me the ground feels unstable as if it can give away at any point in time, thus forcing me to choose. The fear is that you and your h apparently are the exception and part of me longs want to be part of that circle, another part doesn't want to feel like i've abandoned anyway.

 

You mentioned your H went back and forth between you and his x w. Why? was he struggling with leaving his w and kids? if you both could do it over, would he have not done so? I want to try and learn what to avoid in the event that moment comes.

[conflictedlove]

If you sincerely "would do anything for your son", then instead of making him participate in a sport against his will, spend that time WITH him. Find out how he feels and what he thinks...get to know him instead of assuming that it will be okay because that's what you want to believe.

 

Think about this for a minute--even though you aren't able to make up YOUR mind about what you want to do, you feel capable of knowing exactly what everyone around you is thinking, how they feel (or would feel) and what is best for them. Instead of presuming to know, tell them all the truth & find out how they REALLY feel.

 

Tell your wife that you are having another affair & that you want out of your marriage but you've stayed because you believe that she can't survive without you. Tell the OW that you aren't sure if you really want to be with her, that you would like for her to either just quietly go away or settle for just an affair. Let them decide for themselves what they want & need. If nothing else, it will reduce the number of possibilities & potential options that are swimming around in your head.

 

Survivor,

 

I do understand and see your point. Being open and upfront with everyone involved gives others a choice as well as my own. That i do understand. I feel like, and i could be wrong, that if mow does go on to take another job at a different business, she either sticks with us in spite of the new, longer day distractions or we fade. Then, no decision needs to be made if mow, as i predict, will get so caught up in her new job (she's a people pleaser) and gets enraptured in being a stellar worker, that that feeds that vacancy that i filled. slowly but surely, i will get pushed out and just as what may have happened if i had left my w, it would happen w/o either of us vacating. thus, the truth comes out and eventually i do the thing that cost me the most...lose mow for the sake of her best interest knwoing that she was likely have left me anyway and found new event to fill in her need void.

[2sunny]

Hi Truncated,

 

Yes, you are right about mow and perhaps it is a bit selfish. I do need to be a parent first. Something mow has talked to me about often is trying to understand where my son is as its is less of a challenge for to recall those days as a teen vs me because of our age gap.

 

I'm sure my son, who just started high school, already has the social pressures of dressing and being accepted. If he's in a sport, i'm hoping he will feel more accepted and be more open to engaging relationships.

 

What i struggle with, and I think its partly an unknown as some won't answer it here, is that, mow is ready to leave her h and it isn't just the intimacy although that was a part of the problem she had. Now that she has a way out in me, i don't want to "a way out", i would rather be "the one" and its hard to believe. I think about some have successfully managed to move on and i think about my w and wonder who she will end up with. i don't like the idea of sharing my w or mow but i can't have both. if i had to choose today, its a lose / lose no matter what.

 

its been 2 yrs already with my a and mow. i know she can't wait much longer as she is tolerating her marriage. i am too but not as bad as her. the one thing i realize is that with my w, i am the decision maker to a super high degree. with mow, i might be too but it would be more even. the one thing i recognize and although i know mow doesn't believe she would have an a again, its possible. that idea feels like i could throw away the bland yet predictable for the blossoming yet uncertain relationship with mow

 

Same $hit - new day.

 

Same posts as 2 years ago.

 

You could go on and on like this for another 20 years hurting others (including your son).

 

 

It happens because males (you're not a man; you act like a little boy) don't make a decision and HONOR THE DECISION!

 

You're still not DOING anything! When you make a decision and take ACTION toward THAT decision - things will change.

 

 

 

And having OW take that action doesn't count! YOUR ACTION is what is necessary. Making others do change isn't going to work. You either get divorced or you cut off all ties with OW.

 

You've been a coward and not doing anything solid to make ONE relationship in this right. It shows how selfish you are. Make any decision ONE way or the other.

 

Just do something besides talk about it and worry about how it will turn out! It's not likely to turn out well no matter what! But we all told you that 2 years ago BEFORE you slept with OW.

 

Now that you're into this - there will be pain for others - when you get yourself out of the mess you've created.

 

Take charge and quit being a wussy that allows women to make decisions for you. End both even and be by yourself for a few years! That way maybe you could grow up and NOT be ruled by a woman's crotch.

 

You act helpless but seriously - you're NOT!

[conflictedlove]

Now that you're into this - there will be pain for others - when you get yourself out of the mess you've created.

 

Take charge and quit being a wussy that allows women to make decisions for you. End both even and be by yourself for a few years! That way maybe you could grow up and NOT be ruled by a woman's crotch.

 

Hi Sunny,

 

Thank you and I know its somewhat hard to digest, your words are driven by what you observe and things you personally have shared.

 

I guess i don't subscribe to the stone cold approach as some do. I do care about everyone involved and don't want anyone to be hurt.

 

Am i wrong, just as mow is, for wanting our spouses to come to a conclusion to end the marriages so its their decision not ours? No one wants to look like the bad guy and even if it was in the best interest of ending a marriage, the BS always blames the offending spouse at the onset. a smear campaign starts and if i didn't care about what would be said about me or mow or the words a spiteful w or h might tell our kids, i would just walk away.

 

i'm not like that and preferably, just like in your case, if you had ended your marriage w/o finding out about her ex h and his escapades, would you have respected him more and vice versa? would your kids look at him differently if they didn't hear or had to be part of watching their parents not talk or have resentment?

 

I know this is such a sensitive topic..i don't think anyone realizes or knows when an A starts that it may evolve into a full blown LTR. I surely didn't. I don't think your H did as well. Once it happens, everything changes sunny....the A wants and demands more...like an infant turning into a child....and the more it wants the more it gets

[2sunny]

Hi Sunny,

 

Thank you and I know its somewhat hard to digest, your words are driven by what you observe and things you personally have shared.

 

I guess i don't subscribe to the stone cold approach as some do. I do care about everyone involved and don't want anyone to be hurt.

 

Am i wrong, just as mow is, for wanting our spouses to come to a conclusion to end the marriages so its their decision not ours? No one wants to look like the bad guy and even if it was in the best interest of ending a marriage, the BS always blames the offending spouse at the onset. a smear campaign starts and if i didn't care about what would be said about me or mow or the words a spiteful w or h might tell our kids, i would just walk away.

 

i'm not like that and preferably, just like in your case, if you had ended your marriage w/o finding out about her ex h and his escapades, would you have respected him more and vice versa? would your kids look at him differently if they didn't hear or had to be part of watching their parents not talk or have resentment?

 

I know this is such a sensitive topic..i don't think anyone realizes or knows when an A starts that it may evolve into a full blown LTR. I surely didn't. I don't think your H did as well. Once it happens, everything changes sunny....the A wants and demands more...like an infant turning into a child....and the more it wants the more it gets

 

Yes, you are wrong.

 

Leaving the action to others - knowing full well you are hurting many people is blatantly wrong.

 

And all your other words to justify your bad behavior is just wrong too!

 

You will always be living in fear when you live this way. You will always be the coward. Only YOU can change it! Depending on others to change it is just being a bigger wimp!

Edited September 27, 2014 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Here's a good guideline to live by:

 

Always DO actions that you are proud of/that make YOU proud of YOURSELF.

 

 

 

Apply THAT basic concept to YOUR situation and make a decision to become proud of your actions, words and yourself.

 

What OTHERS do or don't do is none of your business. Just be a decent human being.

[2sunny]

 

 

Thank you and I know its somewhat hard to digest, your words are driven by what you observe and things you personally have shared.

 

It has nothing to do with me or my experience - that's why your generalizations are off putting.

 

 

It has to do with doing what is right. That is all it is!

 

Quit trying to make it so complicated. Doing what's right is always simple. That why it's difficult for you - you keep trying to complicate it and justify your bad behavior. It's always complicated when you're doing something that's wrong.

[Owl]

Love how the OP just ignores my advice.

 

He's on the river in Egypt, for sure.

[2sunny]

Love how the OP just ignores my advice.

 

He's on the river in Egypt, for sure.

 

It's not just you Owl - he ignores everyone.

 

He does what serves him best with no action to change a thing.

[stillafool]

Hi Truncated,

 

its been 2 yrs already with my a and mow. i know she can't wait much longer as she is tolerating her marriage. i am too but not as bad as her. the one thing i realize is that with my w, i am the decision maker to a super high degree. with mow, i might be too but it would be more even. the one thing i recognize and although i know mow doesn't believe she would have an a again, its possible. that idea feels like i could throw away the bland yet predictable for the blossoming yet uncertain relationship with mow

 

Are you serious? You may not want to be with OW because you may not be able to dominate her the way you do your poor wife? Be prepared because when OW tells her H about the affair and leaving him for you she will tell your wife. Especially if she gets wind that you aren't going to leave. How dare you say you do not want to share your wife or the OW when you have shared yourself with whomever you chose. You have lied to OW telling her you want to be with her. Now that she wants to do the honorable thing and tell the truth, divorce and be with you, you want to weasel out of it. Your son is in HS so it won't be long before he is off to college. If you are a good father he will still be close to you and get over this. You will not lose your son so stop using that as an excuse not to leave. Yes, your wife will finally have an opportunity to be with a man who will cherish her, give her great sex and enjoy all the things about her you took for granted. Please don't stay married to her and deprive her of a wonderful new life.

 

Questions

 

Should spouses stay in a relationship because of the kids? NO

Do kids ever really heal? Of course they do, they are resilient

Do all A's end up wanting to turn into full blown relationships? NO but yours has.

What happens to those A's that turn into relationships then crash and burn? They seek counseling just like any other relationship or breakup.

 

Where do people go for help and how do they go back to their families? WTF? No one goes back to their families. You gave that up, remember.

 

What are the odds of an A actually surviving the long haul? There are lots of couples who were in affairs, divorced their spouses and are not living happily together.

 

Am I wrong for not wanting to leave my w and kids for mow knowing that's what i want to do but my anxiety won't let me due to the impact on my kids? If you were so concerned about your kids why did you have the affair in the first place? Yes you are wrong for telling the OW you would leave and now you are too much of a coward to do what you promised. Please do your wife a favor and go with the OW. Your wife and the kids will be devastated at first but will heal and be happy again.

[conflictedlove]

 

Questions

 

Should spouses stay in a relationship because of the kids? NO

Do kids ever really heal? Of course they do, they are resilient

Do all A's end up wanting to turn into full blown relationships? NO but yours has.

What happens to those A's that turn into relationships then crash and burn? They seek counseling just like any other relationship or breakup.

 

Where do people go for help and how do they go back to their families? WTF? No one goes back to their families. You gave that up, remember.

 

What are the odds of an A actually surviving the long haul? There are lots of couples who were in affairs, divorced their spouses and are now living happily together.

 

Am I wrong for not wanting to leave my w and kids for mow knowing that's what i want to do but my anxiety won't let me due to the impact on my kids? If you were so concerned about your kids why did you have the affair in the first place? Yes you are wrong for telling the OW you would leave and now you are too much of a coward to do what you promised. Please do your wife a favor and go with the OW. Your wife and the kids will be devastated at first but will heal and be happy again.

 

Hi SAF,

 

Thank you for your follow up and I know there are streams of truth in what you are stating.

 

I have to admit, here that I suffer from the guilt of leaving my w and kids. No, i won't be leaving my kids but concept of having my kids feel the sorrow over not living under the same roof may have short and longer term symptoms. I cringe at thought of my daughter who's under 10 must weeping.

 

So last night had a nice intimate time with my w and that's the hard part about all this.....its not like i'm not attracted to my w. i just don't feel like she can give more than what she is doing now in terms of support and emotional makeup. On the other hand, she really doesn't give me a good reason to vacate and pretty much follows through on what i ask her to do.

 

mow on the other hand, she's sharp and proactive. she's emotionally deep and often times can't sleep when we have disagreements. these are great qualities and you are right...having mow wanting to tell her h a semi truth (she wants to tell him she doesn't L him but won't tell him about our A). Why? Because she wants us to wait it out 6 months then openly come together.

 

If i'm honest here with my reservations about mow, its that once she gets her new employment (we are working on finding her a new place), then she will get caught up in that. I can see her falling back to her h and her life of complacency, settling back with him as she has always done. I think about how she probably would have another A after a period of time back with her H, but i can't dwell on that. At this time, as much as I want to be with mow, i have the guilt of my kids on my heart as well as reservations of mow, real or not.

 

Maybe i'm being over cautious here, but it feels like the age gap (15+ as she's early 30's), how we started in an A, how she's so emotionally sensitive she would probably fall for the next person she works with who highly esteems her and our lifestyles. I've sowed my wild oats at her age..she's hasn't and as ow started off as a young mother, she has yet to explore that side which she does on occasion. I know honestly if it came down to it, she probably would have a hard time leaving her h, feeling very sensitive about how he's hurt. I would expect that and honor that. I just don't think i have that fight in me to wait for her. I've done it before with past GF's and its a path to loneliness.

[conflictedlove]

Here's a good guideline to live by:

 

Always DO actions that you are proud of/that make YOU proud of YOURSELF.

 

 

 

Apply THAT basic concept to YOUR situation and make a decision to become proud of your actions, words and yourself..

 

Hi Sunny,

 

Thank you and you sure have a way of wearing me down. I mean, relentless! It's really good though..breeds emotional sobriety.

 

As far as doing what is right, im' trying to do this by helping mow get another employer and then seeing if we still have what it takes to make it. I suspect we won't. Not that i don't believe in her, i just believe once she finds a new subject or object to invest in, whether work or someone else, that will be the end of he and I. Do I want that? no, not at all. Is that reality? i don't know but i feel like it is....and me believing that its a low risk situation feels like fools gold.

 

I'm exhausted emotionally. Balancing an A with being married and not having my w actually invoke or deserve it......it makes me feel wonderful..not.

[conflictedlove]

Love how the OP just ignores my advice.

 

He's on the river in Egypt, for sure.

 

Owl....thank you and no i don't ignore your advice.

 

I take everything into consideration.

 

The problem here is that love, A's and people in general are NOT black and white. I assume you have been hurt before by an A so i sense there's some hard lines drawn.

 

When in the A fog, there's nothing clear. Everything is euphoria until the A turns into a LTR and expectations go from simply having emotional and physical A to expectations of life long commitments.