The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[Owl]

Owl....thank you and no i don't ignore your advice.

 

I take everything into consideration.

 

The problem here is that love, A's and people in general are NOT black and white. I assume you have been hurt before by an A so i sense there's some hard lines drawn.

 

When in the A fog, there's nothing clear. Everything is euphoria until the A turns into a LTR and expectations go from simply having emotional and physical A to expectations of life long commitments.

 

Bullshyte.

 

Right and wrong exist outside of affairs. You knew them before you went into the affair, you know them now, and you'll know them the rest of your life.

 

You know what you SHOULD do.

 

The problem is...you don't want to do it.

 

It's that simple.

 

You love your son. You love your wife. You love your OW.

 

You just don't love any of them enough to change the situation.

 

It's not any more complicated than that.

 

The only people who insist that things aren't black and white...that insist that everything is a shade of grey...are those that are living contrary to their own morals and beliefs, and are trying (vainly) to justify their actions to make them seem "less than black".

 

Quit rationalizing and justifying.

 

Start doing what you should be doing instead. Your life will get much better very quickly.

Edited September 30, 2014 by Owl

[conflictedlove]

When you spend these hours and hours with your OW - where does your wife think you are during that time?

 

Ok it's time for a confession.

 

Things are spiraling out of control.

 

Mow wants to tell her H and let him know she doesn't love him. He keeps pressuring her for sx and when he doesn't get his way, he throws a silent fit. She can't deal with it now she's divided between telling him it's over or just waiting until the hostility blows over.

 

She's ready to tell him and we are looking for another employment option so she can be more self sufficient.

 

The next phase is happening. The thought of staying here at the crossroads between now and my w are now forcing a decision.

 

I've been stressed out beyond belief for the last few nights. I can't let mow she needs me but I'm thinking about all the risk factors associated with her may be real or not. Im at a stand still.

 

After spending time with my w and having sx it's apparent to me that things are just easier with her on the topic and mow it's more work.

 

All the signs of this A now getting ready to spiral out of control are happening.

 

I can't hold now much longer. I feel like

She believes in is but im recusing her from a woeful marriage vs being the one. Am I alone or is that even a rationale statement? Do people in A's look for someone to rescue them and when the firefight is over, have a higher likelihood of moving on?

 

If mow can get another positon at different employer, she might feel better and transition away from me because she has a different object on her radar that will consume her. Right now, I feel like I'm this rescue option that never really is long term. More just like a bridge and then im left behind.

 

As far as my w, I'm not ready to tell her yet, if ever. Since mow is going through this first, is it ideal one go first and the other (me) support her through the transiton and then, if all goes as planned and we are both sure of each other, then I have to choose if I should follow as well?

 

I won't pretend here...I'm getting nervous. Everything is changing so fast. The baby A is now a dominate event in the room and must be dealt with.

[goodyblue]

Ok it's time for a confession.

 

Things are spiraling out of control.

 

Mow wants to tell her H and let him know she doesn't love him. He keeps pressuring her for sx and when he doesn't get his way, he throws a silent fit. She can't deal with it now she's divided between telling him it's over or just waiting until the hostility blows over.

 

She's ready to tell him and we are looking for another employment option so she can be more self sufficient.

 

The next phase is happening. The thought of staying here at the crossroads between now and my w are now forcing a decision.

 

I've been stressed out beyond belief for the last few nights. I can't let mow she needs me but I'm thinking about all the risk factors associated with her may be real or not. Im at a stand still.

 

After spending time with my w and having sx it's apparent to me that things are just easier with her on the topic and mow it's more work.

 

All the signs of this A now getting ready to spiral out of control are happening.

 

I can't hold now much longer. I feel like

She believes in is but im recusing her from a woeful marriage vs being the one. Am I alone or is that even a rationale statement? Do people in A's look for someone to rescue them and when the firefight is over, have a higher likelihood of moving on?

 

If mow can get another positon at different employer, she might feel better and transition away from me because she has a different object on her radar that will consume her. Right now, I feel like I'm this rescue option that never really is long term. More just like a bridge and then im left behind.

 

As far as my w, I'm not ready to tell her yet, if ever. Since mow is going through this first, is it ideal one go first and the other (me) support her through the transiton and then, if all goes as planned and we are both sure of each other, then I have to choose if I should follow as well?

 

I won't pretend here...I'm getting nervous. Everything is changing so fast. The baby A is now a dominate event in the room and must be dealt with.

 

Do yourself a favor and dump MOW now. You are not leaving your wife and you know it. And that is ok. Just dump MOW so she does not leave her husband for an empty lie. And it is a lie.

[gettingstronger]

Holy cow you are self absorbed and immature. Why are aren't you able to stand on your own? Why do you need a soft landing? Either commit to your wife and marriage or move on. You are now playing two women. What on earth is wrong with you?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Time to face reality.....you can no longer be KISA to both your wife and MOW. You are going to be the "bad" guy to one of them. It is the hand you dealt to yourself.

 

Maybe it is time to look in the mirror and have a heart to heart with yourself. Try to keep eye contact. It is usually harder to tell ourselves a lie....we see our own tells.

[beach]

I can see you enjoy the power that comes from rescuing your OW. The white knight syndrome.

 

But now she's getting more demanding and needs more from you to leave her H.

 

Don't be scared. You've had two years to know this time would come. You should be ready by now.

 

Maybe your calm and boring wife is starting to look good again, eh?

 

That high demand woman gets exhausting. Wonder what the OW will demand next? You ready to keep up with all her demands?

 

Is sex worth those demands? Is losing your W worth that sex?

 

Decide and take action on your decision.

 

You can STILL just end it with your OW! You can!

 

Have some self control though, if you end it with her.

 

You can still leave your W.

 

Just make a decision a go with it.

 

 

And I wish you'd mature enough to be capable of spelling out the word SEX.

[conflictedlove]

I can see you enjoy the power that comes from rescuing your OW. The white knight syndrome.

 

But now she's getting more demanding and needs more from you to leave her H.

 

Don't be scared. You've had two years to know this time would come. You should be ready by now.

 

Maybe your calm and boring wife is starting to look good again, eh?

 

That high demand woman gets exhausting. Wonder what the OW will demand next? You ready to keep up with all her demands?

 

Is sex worth those demands? Is losing your W worth that sex?

 

Decide and take action on your decision.

 

You can STILL just end it with your OW! You can!

 

Have some self control though, if you end it with her.

 

You can still leave your W.

 

Just make a decision a go with it.

 

Hi Beach,

 

Yes, you are correct and thank you.

 

I started to reflect back on several events in my past...where I got caught up in trying to rescue a GF as they struggled to deal with their BF or parents. I feel like I supported them but then started to take ownership of their situation. I can honestly say, in the last 2-3 times this has happened with other women, eventually it wears me down and to date, nothing came out of those relationships. So the bottom line is that as I start to rescue and support mow through her struggles with her H, i feel like i'm doing it again BUT this time, i'm not at all hopeful that coming out the KISA spells LTR. It just doesn't even though in my past i always thought it would.

 

The walls are definitely closing in. I really want MOW to take another position with another company. This would give us both the breathing room and allow me to test my theory that mow is only addicted to me now, but when a new event comes up, she will eventually gravitate towards that.

 

I'm also struggling knowing that mow wants to tell her H the truth and be set free from her anxiety. The problem is, i'm not there with my w yet so perhaps we let mow tell her H at some point in the short term future and then we wait it out for me to tell my w, only if mow takes new job and doesn't get saturated by her new work?

 

What I also still can't figure out is, when mow tells her H she doesn't love him, he will leave and i want her to be self sufficient. She ha never had a time when she has been truly w/o a BF. she's been married for 11 yrs so she's never been down the solo bath. I think if she tries that, she may like it and not be worried about us being together. That would be great if she came to that conclusion on her own?

 

At this point, clearly I may have time if mow tell her h its over. she will have to be solo for at least 6 months to save face in front of her friends and family. This will be ample time for her to decide if she wants to be involved with me or if she has now opened the door to singleness.

[beach]

Those are a LOT of "what ifs"!

 

Why don't you just make that decision for her? You can, ya know?

 

But you don't want to because you still want both.

 

If you want your M then end it quickly and firmly with the OW. No plan to have her change her job or anything. Just end it.

 

She will survive. Believe me, you're not irreplaceable. She will be fine.

[bathtub-row]

The walls are definitely closing in. I really want MOW to take another position with another company. This would give us both the breathing room and allow me to test my theory that mow is only addicted to me now, but when a new event comes up, she will eventually gravitate towards that.

 

I'm also struggling knowing that mow wants to tell her H the truth and be set free from her anxiety. The problem is, i'm not there with my w yet so perhaps we let mow tell her H at some point in the short term future and then we wait it out for me to tell my w, only if mow takes new job and doesn't get saturated by her new work?

 

What I also still can't figure out is, when mow tells her H she doesn't love him, he will leave and i want her to be self sufficient. She ha never had a time when she has been truly w/o a BF. she's been married for 11 yrs so she's never been down the solo bath. I think if she tries that, she may like it and not be worried about us being together. That would be great if she came to that conclusion on her own?

 

At this point, clearly I may have time if mow tell her h its over. she will have to be solo for at least 6 months to save face in front of her friends and family. This will be ample time for her to decide if she wants to be involved with me or if she has now opened the door to singleness.

 

About this idea that you have about MOW getting another job and seeing if she's just attached to you or whatever, what happens if she's not just attached to you? What if she still really loves you and wants to be with you? Then what? As far as her becoming self-sufficient, I think it's unlikely that she's going to be content being alone long-term. Men can get involved in work very easily but most women don't think that way.

 

Not meaning to add to your already panicky state but be prepared that if MOW tells her husband about her affair, the first question he's going to ask is "who did you have the affair with?" The next possibility is that he will be the one to inform your wife of the affair. There's also the possibility of MOW revealing the affair to your wife if you end things with her. I think you just need to prepare yourself for one of these outcomes because they're very possible. Of course, there is a chance neither of those scenarios will happen - you just never know.

[Minnie09]

You are way to focused on what decision MOW might or might not make, and how she may or may not feel after a possible separation/divorce from her H. That's none of your business, though. You decide what's best for you and your family. That's where your focus should be. Independent of OW. What do YOU want? Your posts read like you will not know ANYTHING about yourself and your future, before you know what OW wants, and how OW reacts. You're so not proactive, and that'll kill you. Start making your own decisions. OW will make hers.

 

And yes, like the other poster said: IF she tells H WHY she intends to D, then he WILL ask her who she's been fooling around with, and then your W will know sooner or later. I mean, it's very likely that he will contact you or your W. And then - maybe you don't get a chance to make a decision anyways.....because your W might leave YOU. How about that? No more KISA. Then you're stuck with OW. How does that make you feel? Good or bad? Think about it. That could be your clue.

[Hope Shimmers]

I finally put my finger on what you remind me of.

 

When I was a toddler I had one of those Fisher Price See N' Says where you set the arrow on whatever animal you wanted to hear, then pulled the string (this was the olden days folks) and you were treated with the recorded sound of whatever animal you had chosen. However, in those pre-digital technology days, this See N' Say got mixed up somehow and no matter what animal was chosen, the sound that came out was "Moooo...." (unfortunately my parents let me keep playing with it so I was the only kid to enter kindergarten who thought all animals said "Moooo").

 

You remind me of that because no matter what anyone says to you, you say "Moooo". No matter what is input, the output is always the same. You have been here at least 2 years posting under various usernames about this OW and no matter what anyone says to you, you just keep saying the EXACT SAME THING in your posts. It's like your synapses are all connected in one path only and you are incapable of hearing anything other than that. I'm not sure why you are posting here (genuine question) - are you looking for advice? If so, why not try taking some of it?

 

I suspect you are looking to assuage your guilt somehow or repent or something. It is difficult for me to understand how a man could be so incredibly passive about everything in his life, to the point that he lets the circumstances and life happenings of other people dictate his life just to avoid making decisions.

 

You said that you son is depressed, and you care about nothing more than him and his health, yet when Owl (I think it was) suggested that you focus on HIM since you said this was your priority, you completely ignored his post. Didn't even address it! You thought that pushing your clinically depressed son to play sports was the answer, even though he said he didn't want to do that and even though you self-proclaim to spend all your time either working or with OW. So how is your son your priority? He is on the back burner.

 

Hilarious that a full-grown man having a long-term affair can't spell out the word 'sex'.

 

Good luck. You will need it!

[WakingUp]

I finally put my finger on what you remind me of.

 

When I was a toddler I had one of those Fisher Price See N' Says where you set the arrow on whatever animal you wanted to hear, then pulled the string (this was the olden days folks) and you were treated with the recorded sound of whatever animal you had chosen. However, in those pre-digital technology days, this See N' Say got mixed up somehow and no matter what animal was chosen, the sound that came out was "Moooo...." (unfortunately my parents let me keep playing with it so I was the only kid to enter kindergarten who thought all animals said "Moooo").

 

You remind me of that because no matter what anyone says to you, you say "Moooo". No matter what is input, the output is always the same. You have been here at least 2 years posting under various usernames about this OW and no matter what anyone says to you, you just keep saying the EXACT SAME THING in your posts. It's like your synapses are all connected in one path only and you are incapable of hearing anything other than that. I'm not sure why you are posting here (genuine question) - are you looking for advice? If so, why not try taking some of it?

 

I suspect you are looking to assuage your guilt somehow or repent or something. It is difficult for me to understand how a man could be so incredibly passive about everything in his life, to the point that he lets the circumstances and life happenings of other people dictate his life just to avoid making decisions.

 

You said that you son is depressed, and you care about nothing more than him and his health, yet when Owl (I think it was) suggested that you focus on HIM since you said this was your priority, you completely ignored his post. Didn't even address it! You thought that pushing your clinically depressed son to play sports was the answer, even though he said he didn't want to do that and even though you self-proclaim to spend all your time either working or with OW. So how is your son your priority? He is on the back burner.

 

Hilarious that a full-grown man having a long-term affair can't spell out the word 'sex'.

 

Good luck. You will need it!

 

 

Totally agree with this. Love the Mooo! toy comparison... ha ha ha.

 

 

Wish the OP would get back on to sinking ships and runaway trains though. Was hoping for a parachute jump one of these days.

 

 

Seriously, I find it absolutely unbelievable that a grown man could be living his life as though he is just observing it and not participating.

 

 

Some issues that need to be addressed within, me thinks.

[beach]

I also am confused by the OP and his need to rescue his OW. Then on the back end trying to push her to take another job elsewhere.

 

That is just devious and cruel.

 

Your inability to be honest is huge.

 

And your stunted emotional sense is glaringly obvious when you won't spell out words like sex - and your history of referring to your kids as "offspring" leave me wondering if you've lived a life of being emotionally bankrupt?

 

What issues have you personally addressed with a professional counselor? You seem to have a ton of things you need to work on by yourself in order to grow and mature.

 

 

And I agree that leaving all these decisions and actions to others to make - by acting "as if" you are the victim or even a bystander is just not normal for an adult.

 

 

What are you doing to improve your own self? You could grow by being all on your own - no women - to learn how to participate in life as an adult who makes decisions based on a moral compass.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I finally put my finger on what you remind me of.

 

When I was a toddler I had one of those Fisher Price See N' Says where you set the arrow on whatever animal you wanted to hear, then pulled the string (this was the olden days folks) and you were treated with the recorded sound of whatever animal you had chosen. However, in those pre-digital technology days, this See N' Say got mixed up somehow and no matter what animal was chosen, the sound that came out was "Moooo...." (unfortunately my parents let me keep playing with it so I was the only kid to enter kindergarten who thought all animals said "Moooo").

 

You remind me of that because no matter what anyone says to you, you say "Moooo". No matter what is input, the output is always the same. You have been here at least 2 years posting under various usernames about this OW and no matter what anyone says to you, you just keep saying the EXACT SAME THING in your posts. It's like your synapses are all connected in one path only and you are incapable of hearing anything other than that. I'm not sure why you are posting here (genuine question) - are you looking for advice? If so, why not try taking some of it?

 

I suspect you are looking to assuage your guilt somehow or repent or something. It is difficult for me to understand how a man could be so incredibly passive about everything in his life, to the point that he lets the circumstances and life happenings of other people dictate his life just to avoid making decisions.

 

You said that you son is depressed, and you care about nothing more than him and his health, yet when Owl (I think it was) suggested that you focus on HIM since you said this was your priority, you completely ignored his post. Didn't even address it! You thought that pushing your clinically depressed son to play sports was the answer, even though he said he didn't want to do that and even though you self-proclaim to spend all your time either working or with OW. So how is your son your priority? He is on the back burner.

 

Hilarious that a full-grown man having a long-term affair can't spell out the word 'sex'.

 

Good luck. You will need it!

 

Hope....what an awesome "moo" analogy. LOVE IT!!!!!!!

 

It kinda goes with Joey's "moo".....the point is moo....like a cow's opinion...it doesn't really matter.

[waterwoman]

I know this is such a sensitive topic..i don't think anyone realizes or knows when an A starts that it may evolve into a full blown LTR. I surely didn't. I don't think your H did as well. Once it happens, everything changes sunny....the A wants and demands more...like an infant turning into a child....and the more it wants the more it gets

 

Oh lordy! Look if you are the same poster who has been back several times with different names - the tone and the story are amazingly similar if not - just about EVERYONE told you what would happen. They told you it woulld 'evolve', that it would demand more time and energy. So don't pretend you weren't warned. Please just grow up, own your actions, own the destuction that you have already caused, tell some truths to the people you purport to care about, and DO something. You can't pretend to be blown about by the wind when you chose to switch on the wind machine and stand in front of it.

[conflictedlove]

About this idea that you have about MOW getting another job and seeing if she's just attached to you or whatever, what happens if she's not just attached to you? What if she still really loves you and wants to be with you? Then what? As far as her becoming self-sufficient, I think it's unlikely that she's going to be content being alone long-term. Men can get involved in work very easily but most women don't think that way.

 

Not meaning to add to your already panicky state but be prepared that if MOW tells her husband about her affair, the first question he's going to ask is "who did you have the affair with?" The next possibility is that he will be the one to inform your wife of the affair. There's also the possibility of MOW revealing the affair to your wife if you end things with her. I think you just need to prepare yourself for one of these outcomes because they're very possible. Of course, there is a chance neither of those scenarios will happen - you just never know.

 

Bathtub,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes, you are correct.....there is a chance that if i can get mow to find another business to work at, she may still stay attached. Don't get me wrong, I am very much attached to her to. I am seeing some things now that I didn't before and its starting to put an unduly amount of anxiety of me. I'll share them now.

 

mow prefers to do "something" outside the home at times, often when her h has to take care of the kids at night. she does commit to helping her kids with homework ,etc however there's just something about an early 30 year old mother that just can't sit still. That's her. I wonder, and actual believe, she would do the same to me if we get together. meaning, she will go out 1 maybe 2 x per week to hang out with her friends while i watch the kids. that's disturbing. my w now loves being at home with our kids and she never complains at all about it. mow i can tell being at home with her kids after getting off work to pick them up, she has a lot of built up energy.

 

Also, spending time at my inlaws today, i can see my w doesn't push back too much on me and i really don't have much to complain about. See, the A started when mow and i were in vulnerable places. We both are the leaders in our homes. I'm her first real BF in adult hood (she married very young) and her H made the mistake (imo) of marrying someone sub 20 when he was in his early 30's.

 

So i see something..and now i'm more stressed then ever......mow is going to be working in my group and reporting to me. she got moved and it was either i have her work for me or work for someone else. i couldn't help it and picked her to work in my group. This is going to be a nightmare. i can tell already. nothing i say or do at work will be private.

 

i love mow very much....my heart breaks to no end and i'm in tears thinking about what my life would be w/o her. On the other hand, my w and kids are everything to me and i can't just dump them. See, the A was never this way in the beginning...no one ever told me it would grow into a full blown relationship demanding more and more of my time

[conflictedlove]

You are way to focused on what decision MOW might or might not make, and how she may or may not feel after a possible separation/divorce from her H. That's none of your business, though. You decide what's best for you and your family. That's where your focus should be. Independent of OW. What do YOU want? Your posts read like you will not know ANYTHING about yourself and your future, before you know what OW wants, and how OW reacts. You're so not proactive, and that'll kill you. Start making your own decisions. OW will make hers.

 

And yes, like the other poster said: IF she tells H WHY she intends to D, then he WILL ask her who she's been fooling around with, and then your W will know sooner or later. I mean, it's very likely that he will contact you or your W. And then - maybe you don't get a chance to make a decision anyways.....because your W might leave YOU. How about that? No more KISA. Then you're stuck with OW. How does that make you feel? Good or bad? Think about it. That could be your clue.

 

Hi Minnie,

 

Very good points. I actually should share that mow and i have talked about how we would end our marriages. She would NOT tell her H about our A and neither would I tell my W about the A. Just hope they bring up they are miserable and want to leave. If not, then we tell our spouses that we just don't love them and be honest about our feelings but not tell them its due to an A. No way.

 

we figure 6 months would go by, we would see each other in secret for a while and then eventually come out of the dark and freely proclaim we are an item.

 

Sounds good right?

 

Well, i have been stressed and having anxiety thoughts over all this. I'm going to spend private time with mow in a rental for 4 hours and i think we both love the idea of being detached from our spouses but i'm starting to feel like i'm a rescue for her from her marriage instead of being the one. that just shakes me up.

[Beaconofhope]

I have been a silent reader of this thread for awhile. But I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Have you ever realised what have you been doing to the two women that you supposedly 'love'? If you are so DOUBTFUL about your OW's love for you, could you KINDLY just let her go? Give her the opportunity to work on her marriage with her husband, rather than just sitting in front of your laptop, whining whole day long about the 'plight' you are in? You are NOT making any progression from day 1. I can't believe that a man like you did not think of being honest to her and tell her that the man that she wanted to spend her life with has actually no intention of leaving his wife for her. I can't imagine how would she feels. The mere thought of it has already shattered my heart.

 

You have already let the situation go too far, there is no easy way out. You will definitely be breaking your OW's heart. You think that your OW is using you as an escape to her marriage. Have you ever spend a MINUTE thinking that you are doing the exact same thing? Aren't you using her to make urself feel better? Stop finger pointing to other people and wake up. Don't make up excuses to make yourself feel better or less guilty. You said you love your OW very much and the thought of losing her makes your heart break. Now, think about how SHE would feel when she finally knows the truth that YOU have no intention of spending the rest of your life with her. She will feel a THOUSAND times worse than what you are feeling.

 

You have a great wife, why not just spend the time to rekindle the passion that you once had with her? You do not deserve such a good woman like your wife in your life.

[Survivor12]

Bathtub,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes, you are correct.....there is a chance that if i can get mow to find another business to work at, she may still stay attached. Don't get me wrong, I am very much attached to her to. I am seeing some things now that I didn't before and its starting to put an unduly amount of anxiety of me. I'll share them now.

 

mow prefers to do "something" outside the home at times, often when her h has to take care of the kids at night. she does commit to helping her kids with homework ,etc however there's just something about an early 30 year old mother that just can't sit still. That's her. I wonder, and actual believe, she would do the same to me if we get together. meaning, she will go out 1 maybe 2 x per week to hang out with her friends while i watch the kids. that's disturbing. my w now loves being at home with our kids and she never complains at all about it. mow i can tell being at home with her kids after getting off work to pick them up, she has a lot of built up energy.

 

Also, spending time at my inlaws today, i can see my w doesn't push back too much on me and i really don't have much to complain about. See, the A started when mow and i were in vulnerable places. We both are the leaders in our homes. I'm her first real BF in adult hood (she married very young) and her H made the mistake (imo) of marrying someone sub 20 when he was in his early 30's.

 

So i see something..and now i'm more stressed then ever......mow is going to be working in my group and reporting to me. she got moved and it was either i have her work for me or work for someone else. i couldn't help it and picked her to work in my group. This is going to be a nightmare. i can tell already. nothing i say or do at work will be private.

 

i love mow very much....my heart breaks to no end and i'm in tears thinking about what my life would be w/o her. On the other hand, my w and kids are everything to me and i can't just dump them. See, the A was never this way in the beginning...no one ever told me it would grow into a full blown relationship demanding more and more of my time

 

I call BS! I remember your first posts...and you are lying. Many people told you over & over again what was in store & urged you to not get any more involved back when you still weren't able to get it up in the backseat. Don't say you weren't told.

 

And don't say you didn't get it--you droned on ad nauseum asking about when you should get off the train because you KNEW what would happen if you didn't. You MADE A CHOICE to continue and even to elevate the affair. You are not a victim!

 

As for this woman being moved into your group...she was in your group two years ago! That's how this all started, remember? She was your "subordinate" & it was one of your excuses for not ending the affair--because you were concerned about the potential repercussions. So, how is it that now she's being moved into your group?

 

I suppose the same way that she is now becoming the villan in your story & your wife, the wife of the year. Kinda reminds me of how soap opera writers spin the characters to keep them relevant. What I haven't figured out is whether you're just trying to keep your audience or if you really believe what you say.

 

Regardless, you've jumped the shark as far as I'm concerned. There is no more advice to be given, and I'm sick of watching you manipulate caring people into trying to "help" you.

 

Have fun...and may you end up receiving all that you deserve.

[Owl]

There is absolutely no desire to seek change, to make change, or create change in the OP's life.

 

All he wants to do is talk about how helpless he feels, under the guise of making it appear that he's conflicted and seeking help.

 

It's his choice I guess.

 

I'll withold further advice to him until he actually gives some kind of indication that he's willing to do something to help himself, rather than try to convince everyone else that he's helpless.

[truncated]

Boy, you and this OW sure as two pieces of work. You're both unhappy in your marriages, but rather than act like adults, you're going to treat your spouses badly and run around behind their backs hoping that you'll eventually make them so unhappy they'll be the ones who want to leave? All because you are both to chickensh*t to do it yourself?

 

Nice, really nice.

 

I hope your spouses both decide to leave, as they both deserve someone better. I hope you and the OW end up together, as it sounds like you truly deserve one another.

[2sunny]

I agree that you were advised here many, many times of all of these problems if you didn't stop your affair when it was in the "infant stage" as you called it back then.

 

You aren't anything other than a victim of a weak man who won't do something to take charge of his life.

 

Make a decision. Jump or don't jump.

 

But I have a feeling you will still complain after that is decided. Or NOT decided.

 

Not deciding provides you the opportunity to try and blame others (in your head). But you're still responsible because it's your actions that are yours alone.

 

 

And who wonders about breaking it off with their OW then schedules four hours alone with them?

 

Your story is so wishy washy it's hard to believe.

 

It looks like you just enjoy having something to complain about/ or drum up drama so it makes you feel unhappy.

 

You have every right to be scared - your world is closing in/ but you were warned here hundreds of times yet you moved forward with the affair.

 

So don't tell us no one told you - you were too weak to do something to end it then. And too weak to end it now.

 

And this is what you get when you don't make a decision and stick to it.

 

All for an ego stroke. And now your OW isn't all roses and butterflies.

 

Reality set in - and now you're scared. You should be scared - YOU purposely created a mess.

 

There's pain to get out of this situation. Anyway you exit there is pain.

 

Pick your poison.

[BlueIris]

So i see something..and now i'm more stressed then ever......mow is going to be working in my group and reporting to me. she got moved and it was either i have her work for me or work for someone else. i couldn't help it and picked her to work in my group. This is going to be a nightmare. i can tell already. nothing i say or do at work will be private.

 

i love mow very much....my heart breaks to no end and i'm in tears thinking about what my life would be w/o her. On the other hand, my w and kids are everything to me and i can't just dump them. See, the A was never this way in the beginning...no one ever told me it would grow into a full blown relationship demanding more and more of my time

 

I don’t think your heart breaks or that you’re in any pain at all. I think you love this, the thrill and daring of it, like a shoplifter does or like an addict has to keep upping the dose to feel the high. I don’t buy for a second that you care about the props in your drama - your children and the mother of your children. Your disinterest in your child’s mental health problems sealed that conclusion for me. They just help you to paint a more dramatic story for YOUR life to keep your high. “Ah, the Agony! I think I’ll make it even more tense and dangerous by pulling MOW into my work group.”

[peaksandvalleys]

OP I don't understand how you see yourself as rescuing anyone because you can't save yourself from your drowning prose or your muddled thinking. You are not capable of helping anyone.

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes, you are correct.....there is a chance that if i can get mow to find another business to work at, she may still stay attached. Don't get me wrong, I am very much attached to her to. I am seeing some things now that I didn't before and its starting to put an unduly amount of anxiety of me. I'll share them now.

 

mow prefers to do "something" outside the home at times, often when her h has to take care of the kids at night. she does commit to helping her kids with homework ,etc however there's just something about an early 30 year old mother that just can't sit still. That's her. I wonder, and actual believe, she would do the same to me if we get together. meaning, she will go out 1 maybe 2 x per week to hang out with her friends while i watch the kids. that's disturbing. my w now loves being at home with our kids and she never complains at all about it. mow i can tell being at home with her kids after getting off work to pick them up, she has a lot of built up energy.

 

Also, spending time at my inlaws today, i can see my w doesn't push back too much on me and i really don't have much to complain about. See, the A started when mow and i were in vulnerable places. We both are the leaders in our homes. I'm her first real BF in adult hood (she married very young) and her H made the mistake (imo) of marrying someone sub 20 when he was in his early 30's.

 

So i see something..and now i'm more stressed then ever......mow is going to be working in my group and reporting to me. she got moved and it was either i have her work for me or work for someone else. i couldn't help it and picked her to work in my group. This is going to be a nightmare. i can tell already. nothing i say or do at work will be private.

 

i love mow very much....my heart breaks to no end and i'm in tears thinking about what my life would be w/o her. On the other hand, my w and kids are everything to me and i can't just dump them. See, the A was never this way in the beginning...no one ever told me it would grow into a full blown relationship demanding more and more of my time

 

She will be reporting to you and you picked her? This is something recent? I don't understand. Why would you do that?

 

If you want my opinion, OW sounds very immature and selfish. Being in your 30's and a parent isn't that young. It's not like being 17, you know? I was 32 when I had my son. Ok, I could never have enough fun but I realized that having a kid meant sacrifices. There's nothing wrong with someone going out a couple of times a week but I think the spouse should go, too. Otherwise, things will feel slanted.

 

The truth is, you just need to end this relationship with her but you don't want to because you're choosing to be passive about it. I hope you're starting to see how this is backfiring on you. You should make some changes at work, if that's possible, and I strongly recommend ending this relationship. Otherwise, you're going to end up with nothing left.