The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[Owl]

Yes, you are correct...if mow does leave her h and leaves our company for another it would be to start a life with me. lets be honest thought...what does a early's 30's young mow who married under 20 really know what they want?

 

The problem here isn't the "early 30's young mow that doesn't know what she wants".

 

The problem is the decades older married man who can't make that same damned decision.

 

One you can control...one you cannot.

 

Yet hundreds of posts later...you're still not a single step closer to doing anything than you were at post 1.

[conflictedlove]

Come on man, this is some of the most cowardly, utterly nonsensical grabage I have ever heard. "If she leaves her marriage and the company it would be acceptable to me if she balks and wants space at least I don't throw my wife and kids behind"

 

Hi

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Well I'm trying to give her space so she can adjust to her new role if she gets with another company. It's stressful enough for her if she takes a new job while going through counseling. Do you really believe that not respecting her space and giving her time to adjust through such a high life stress ordeal is a bad thing? Thinking about the best interest of someone else is hard to do but sometimes you have to let them make their way through these type of events and support them without crowding them.

[conflictedlove]

The problem here isn't the "early 30's young mow that doesn't know what she wants".

 

The problem is the decades older married man who can't make that same damned decision.

 

One you can control...one you cannot.

 

Yet hundreds of posts later...you're still not a single step closer to doing anything than you were at post 1.

 

Owl

 

I know deep in those harsh statements is someone who really knows that we can't compartmentalize emotions. Impossible. Is the very trait that pushes us to be great and weakens us in pain.

 

I am trying to take the high road and help her move to another company so she can start a career that she has always dreamed of. Job change is stressful enough. Add possible marriage counseling and dealing with the entanglements of that is itself emotionally siphoning. Why add another straw to the camel during the first 6 months instead of us laying low letting her decide what she really wants? She may find her A in her job! Meaning, purpose and value. It would replace our A or have the chance to. Even if she's single for 6 months I want her to explore the benefits if she so chooses vs relationship jumping.

 

The high road is always less traveled.

[beach]

You "think too much" and act too little.

[Owl]

Owl

 

I know deep in those harsh statements is someone who really knows that we can't compartmentalize emotions. Impossible. Is the very trait that pushes us to be great and weakens us in pain.

 

I am trying to take the high road and help her move to another company so she can start a career that she has always dreamed of. Job change is stressful enough. Add possible marriage counseling and dealing with the entanglements of that is itself emotionally siphoning. Why add another straw to the camel during the first 6 months instead of us laying low letting her decide what she really wants? She may find her A in her job! Meaning, purpose and value. It would replace our A or have the chance to. Even if she's single for 6 months I want her to explore the benefits if she so chooses vs relationship jumping.

 

The high road is always less traveled.

 

Deep in these 'harsh statements' is a man who's likely lived as long and had as much (or likely more) "life experience" than you have.

 

You use 'emotions' as your excuse for doing nothing.

 

That's ALL you've done this entire time.

 

I understand what you're dealing with as well as anyone else likely does.

 

But as a man of 'experience' just like yourself, I won't let you get away with using that as your crutch without calling bull*****.

 

You're not traveling the 'high road'.

 

You're copping out, taking no action, making no decisions, and calling it something noble, when every single other poster who has responded to your thread has called you out on that.

 

When will you actually listen to what everyone is telling you, rather than nod your head, spin up some more silly prose, and thank them for wasting their time?

 

Editted to add: Compartmentalizing emotions is EXACTLY how you got here. You compartmentalize what you feel when your with your wife, when you're with your OW, when you're with your dog...

 

Now...don't use this little extra bit to totally ignore what I said previously.

Edited October 20, 2014 by Owl

[Lovebug66]

I have no idea why I'm posting in this thread, I don't think there is a chance in heck my question will be answered. But I've been wondering for a while, so I'm biting the bullet.

 

So the plan, repeated over and over (and over) is you help her find a different job at a different company. You started this thread two months ago, how much effort have you put into that? Cause all I've read is that you are going to. How many resumes has she sent out? How many contacts have you talked to since you are "helping" her? You won't do anything anyone here suggests, and you can't even follow thru on what you say your plan is. Do you think if you just post it here over and over the job gods will hear you and magically throw one in her lap? Man up dude.

[2sunny]

So you were "thinking about" helping her get a new job. And then you ALLOWED her to be placed under your supervision at work...

 

This is what happens when YOU don't take charge of things (anything).

 

At first you just toyed with that crazy idea of being attracted to your OW. Then you claimed an emotional affair. Then you never stopped it when tins of posters told you to stop it.

 

Then it became this affair that also included sex. All the while you talk cheap talk but never DO anything to change it.

 

And now your OW will blow your life apart because you've been lying to her for two years. When you get her to move jobs and she realizes she's ended her M to be with you - and you've lied the whole time and don't intend to be with her at all she will be very vindictive. Be ready because you won't be able to control her at all when she's angry with you! Most likely she will also expose to everyone at work and you could be fired as well.

 

Your OW is in charge because you aren't a man that takes charge.

 

Pure and simple - you are a big mushy pile of nothingness that blows where the breeze pushes him.

 

 

You better rethink your plan. Start getting real and honest with BOTH women because you are about to lose both of them.

[DKT3]

Hi

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Well I'm trying to give her space so she can adjust to her new role if she gets with another company. It's stressful enough for her if she takes a new job while going through counseling. Do you really believe that not respecting her space and giving her time to adjust through such a high life stress ordeal is a bad thing? Thinking about the best interest of someone else is hard to do but sometimes you have to let them make their way through these type of events and support them without crowding them.

 

So let me ask this, what would happen if HR at you company found out about this affair?

 

So here is what I see. A 40 something man preyed on a almost 20 year younger woman. Lied to her about your desire to "be with her" to the point that she is ready to leave her family and job to be with you. You on the other hand are involved in your second affair, isn't willing to give up anything and won't be honest with her about that. So you manipulate her into not being honest with her husband, you continue to put up road blocks and make excuses to maintain status quo.

 

I'm not buying any of this.

 

Stop acting like your willing to fall on your sword for her. If you were you would have done one of the following 1) left your wife 2) not allowed her to get to the point were she is willing to quit both her husband and job 3) been honest and said your not leaving your wife.

 

This is pure selfish behavior, your doing absolutely nothing to the benefit of this woman.

 

I'm over this, you don't give a damn about this woman from the sound of it your using her and misleading her in thinking she can and will have a future with you.

[conflictedlove]

So let me ask this, what would happen if HR at you company found out about this affair?

 

So here is what I see. A 40 something man preyed on a almost 20 year younger woman. Lied to her about your desire to "be with her" to the point that she is ready to leave her family and job to be with you. You on the other hand are involved in your second affair, isn't willing to give up anything and won't be honest with her about that. So you manipulate her into not being honest with her husband, you continue to put up road blocks and make excuses to maintain status quo.

 

I'm not buying any of this.

 

Stop acting like your willing to fall on your sword for her. If you were you would have done one of the following 1) left your wife 2) not allowed her to get to the point were she is willing to quit both her husband and job 3) been honest and said your not leaving your wife.

 

This is pure selfish behavior, your doing absolutely nothing to the benefit of this woman.

 

I'm over this, you don't give a damn about this woman from the sound of it your using her and misleading her in thinking she can and will have a future with you.

 

Hi DT

 

I understand that it's frustrating consider love and emotions are so complied they defy logic. I love 2 women and I'm not the only person who has or does or will struggle with this. The problem is trying to manage what started out as an infant A blossoming into a LTR. 2 years and it continues to demand time in order to live. By putting mow's career, marriage counseling and possible single life transition ahead of my own needs, I'm taking the high road. I know it's not easy to understand let alone do, but I have to give her a chance to grow instead of keeping her from breathing.

 

Please take into account the dynamics of an a. I know you are a BS so there's more jaded feelings compared to empathy and support. No one wants to hurt or get hurt. A's happen for different reasons and die off for different reasons. I don't expect others to understand. Red headmistress commented here earlier and if you look at her comments you see that no matter how it played out, she married her AP and they are surviving. Rare but it happens because they put each other ahead of oneself.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

By putting mow's career, marriage counseling and possible single life transition ahead of my own needs, I'm taking the high road

 

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

 

Can't you just admit you don't care about her career or her marriage? This is about you wanting to get her out of your life as painlessly as possible. Please stop pretending it's about your ultra-deep and amazing love for her. She, and this affair, and your marriage, are really all about you.

 

This thread honestly scares me to death. I can't imagine being in love with someone who manipulates you, lies to you and ultimately breaks your heart all under the guise of "doing what's best for you". I am terrified at the thought of anyone trying to control my life this way. I really really wish your MOW could read this thread because she'd be cured in a heartbeat.

[truncated]

You and this ow are both two real pieces of work. Neither one of you seems to have any morals at all. she's so unhappy with her hsuband thats she wants to leave him, yet will string him along while she waits on you, the whole time trying to find reasons to deny her husband sex?

 

Nice. Really nice. I don't feel much pity for her at all. She's just as much of a coward as you are. it's easy for her to keep saying she wants to be with just you, yet what is she doing to make that happen? Meanhile, her hsuabnd and kids are probably at home wondering what they're doing wrong to make her so b@tchy all the time.

 

Interested in aother job? How many resumes has she sent out? How many calls has she made? Mrs. In-control-of everything is waiting for you to do it?

 

And you are every bit as bad. Let's assume that your ow decides she wants to be on her own and kicks you to the curb to leave you suffering in your unhappy:lmao: marriage. How long until the next "infant affair" happens?

 

The two of you are acting like real cr@ptards. Making decisions about your spouses lives without even asking them what they want or givng them a heads up about what your plans might be.

[conflictedlove]

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

 

Can't you just admit you don't care about her career or her marriage? This is about you wanting to get her out of your life as painlessly as possible. Please stop pretending it's about your ultra-deep and amazing love for her. She, and this affair, and your marriage, are really all about you.

 

This thread honestly scares me to death. I can't imagine being in love with someone who manipulates you, lies to you and ultimately breaks your heart all under the guise of "doing what's best for you". I am terrified at the thought of anyone trying to control my life this way. I really really wish your MOW could read this thread because she'd be cured in a heartbeat.

 

Hi Chimp!

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Ok, maybe it's not clear but if I was as heartless as some would suggest, I would have cut her off a while ago. I love her. She's in my heart and soul. It's beyond tossing a coin away. It's taking part of me and cutting it off. I don't think I can do it. She loves me and she would do anything for me. Guess what? My w loves me too! I think she might do anything for me. Being married as long as I have, like so many others here, you can't just dismiss Susie for Annie or Betty. We are talking about irreplaceable love. It's not an infant a. That was a long time ago. Now we are talking about living and loving in two worlds.

 

The ultimate sacrifice is if mow does reconcile with her h and gets a new job, can I let go? No, I can't but I would have to, for her sake. I can have her today but is that in her best interest knowing she's hasn't had the chance to give her best effort to her h before waving goodbye? Would you want someone to walk out on you without giving it the counseling try? See, it's different when one starts to walk the path I'm on. The clouds are dark and gray and the night moving in every so quickly. The only light left is the moonlight and there's only two paths to go...that's where I'm at. Welcome to my world ?

[whichwayisup]

she married her AP and they are surviving. Rare but it happens because they put each other ahead of oneself.

 

She was an OW, not a MOW as far as I can remember.

[DKT3]

Again, what happens if HR finds out about your affair?

[beach]

High road?

 

Honey, you haven't been anywhere near the high road for several years.

 

You are way off path.

[Owl]

Deep in these 'harsh statements' is a man who's likely lived as long and had as much (or likely more) "life experience" than you have.

 

You use 'emotions' as your excuse for doing nothing.

 

That's ALL you've done this entire time.

 

I understand what you're dealing with as well as anyone else likely does.

 

But as a man of 'experience' just like yourself, I won't let you get away with using that as your crutch without calling bull*****.

 

You're not traveling the 'high road'.

 

You're copping out, taking no action, making no decisions, and calling it something noble, when every single other poster who has responded to your thread has called you out on that.

 

When will you actually listen to what everyone is telling you, rather than nod your head, spin up some more silly prose, and thank them for wasting their time?

 

Editted to add: Compartmentalizing emotions is EXACTLY how you got here. You compartmentalize what you feel when your with your wife, when you're with your OW, when you're with your dog...

 

Now...don't use this little extra bit to totally ignore what I said previously.

 

Still no answer to the bolded, huh?

[Lovebug66]

Still no answer to the bolded, huh?

 

Of course not. Nor is there an answer to my or DKT3's question either. You know, questions about real life and not fantasy

[Hope Shimmers]

So the plan, repeated over and over (and over) is you help her find a different job at a different company. You started this thread two months ago, how much effort have you put into that? Cause all I've read is that you are going to. How many resumes has she sent out? How many contacts have you talked to since you are "helping" her? You won't do anything anyone here suggests, and you can't even follow thru on what you say your plan is. Do you think if you just post it here over and over the job gods will hear you and magically throw one in her lap? Man up dude.

 

No answer to your post, which means nothing has been done. (I guess the rationale is that if he keeps saying it over and over, maybe it will magically happen).

 

Besides which, I keep wondering, does the OW really want a different job? Maybe she doesn't. Why is it OP's job to get her one?

 

High road?

 

Honey, you haven't been anywhere near the high road for several years.

 

You are way off path.

 

He needs a (moral) compass to even find a road at this point.

[conflictedlove]

She was an OW, not a MOW as far as I can remember.

 

Hi WWIU

 

yes, I believe redheadmistress was OW but im not sure. He was a MOM so does that make much of a difference in terms of the conflict both faced and currently face?

 

She was kind enough to be honest here on this thread and openly share the pros and cons thus far. Yes, it was the best decision for both but they had to go through a lot to get there and its still not over.

 

I think the one thought that comes up with AP's who LTR is the trust factor. I can be open here and tell you mow def wants to know where i'm at when i'm away and we really will probably use technology to help us with that. After all, those doubts can and will come up.

 

As for redhead mistress, what she has gone through has been admirable. If i'm honest, i think about that and that i wouldn't have that if mow does stay with her h post counseling and indulges in a new company. The anxiety of being away from each other would no longer be there. As much as i want to shed tears thinking about it, i feel like that's a possibility i have to support and embrace...if i truly care about mow then i care about her happiness..with me or w/o.

[conflictedlove]

No answer to your post, which means nothing has been done. (I guess the rationale is that if he keeps saying it over and over, maybe it will magically happen).

 

Besides which, I keep wondering, does the OW really want a different job? Maybe she doesn't. Why is it OP's job to get her one?

 

Hi Hope,

 

Yes, to anser your question..she wants to start her carer instead of a job. i understand and support that. its important to her and it should be important to me too if i really love her right? lets be open about that. I want whats best for her and just put yourself in her shoes...she gets a new company and job role, she gets excited and submerged in it, her counseling with her h, goes north or south but she's got a new role and she can sustain herself financially w/o her h and starts to explore the life of a single person. There are upsides to being single righT? at least you get to know the freedom of not having to answer to anyone, get time to heal through the window of time from a D and then get to decide what one really wants in a spouse.

 

I'm not advocating for this..i just have to be real about it. i can see that happening and if it does, i can't blame mow for finding herself and finding that we were a crutch through the a and once it ends, she may want to do more exploring which she has ever right to, correct?

[conflictedlove]

Of course not. Nor is there an answer to my or DKT3's question either. You know, questions about real life and not fantasy

 

Hi LB66,

 

Well yes...is it apparent that we all assume action is severance? when we start to compartmentalize people, emotions, relationships, are we looking at things from a robotic standpoint? I only ask because the action i'm taking is actually beyond a hard line approach. its taking the road less traveled....ready and willing to surrender up the very love i have longed for in mow and allow her to explore out who she is and what she wants. she needs that and she does need to be free to be career minded..to let her decide what exactly she wants as she goes through counseling, maybe she gives her h another shot? is that wrong to support her through that?

 

I do know that the more i talk to her about this whole counseling thing, the more i'm becoming responsible. i didn't see it that way until today. what i should have done was step back and let her decide how to handle it. But as a true love, i walked with her through all this and now, here we are..on the edge of the next phase of a LTR A....the very thing i didn't think would ever happen! Most A's just fizzle out after 3-6 months top..that's what i thought would happen...but the more we drew closer the more i wanted her, needed her and couldn't be without her. So now, something has to give...she needs that new company so we can decide if we are going to move forward. I believe she wants to now at this moment, but as we all know..things change, people change..feelings change...and i've been burned enough times to believe that not testing the relationship has more heartbreaking consequences.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Hope,

 

Yes, to anser your question..she wants to start her carer instead of a job. i understand and support that. its important to her and it should be important to me too if i really love her right? lets be open about that. I want whats best for her and just put yourself in her shoes...she gets a new company and job role, she gets excited and submerged in it, her counseling with her h, goes north or south but she's got a new role and she can sustain herself financially w/o her h and starts to explore the life of a single person. There are upsides to being single righT? at least you get to know the freedom of not having to answer to anyone, get time to heal through the window of time from a D and then get to decide what one really wants in a spouse.

 

I'm not advocating for this..i just have to be real about it. i can see that happening and if it does, i can't blame mow for finding herself and finding that we were a crutch through the a and once it ends, she may want to do more exploring which she has ever right to, correct?

 

So then has she actually applied for different jobs? You've been asked that question about five times before - is it that hard to answer?

[conflictedlove]

Again, what happens if HR finds out about your affair?

 

DKT3,

 

it goes beyond that though. what it goes to is how do we plan a LTR under the current situation? We have to meet each other on the other side of the mountain.....both taking different paths yet having an ability to communicate during the journey to the other side...we both will encounter different obstacles and move at a different pace, through the journey..with a hope to see each other when we make it to the other side. You know starting off..there's a chance that one of us, or both, may not make it. YOu go in knowing this...its frightening...very much so...but you have to do it if you have any chance of an LTR.

 

Since you're a BS, its harder to understand but i implore you to step back and explore the how's and whys. Your W was caught up in the A fog....did you ever thing for a minute that dr helen fisher's studies on lovers and their incredible feats to be with each other goes beyond just a "stop" notice? If you at least consider this, you will discover the gravitation pull, once its locked in, is almost impossible to avoid.

[conflictedlove]

So then has she actually applied for different jobs? You've been asked that question about five times before - is it that hard to answer?

 

Hi Hope,

 

yes she has for the reasons I mentioned..she's on board with why it needs to happen. she's taking steps as well....but as you know...looking and starting a new company is a top 5 high stresser and through on a possible D and it just becomes an millstone around one's neck. The pressure and anxiety would be substantial. i would need to support her through that and be tempted to pull a KISA role by taking all that off of her..as much as i can.

[conflictedlove]

Making decisions about your spouses lives without even asking them what they want or givng them a heads up about what your plans might be.

 

Hi Truncated,

 

I understand and yes, please just step back and think about how, as it was mentioned earlier on this thread, how detrimental it is when two people are married for the wrong reasons....the impact on the kids and we all assume the kids will feel it..which they will but which is worse? seeing two people less than happy or seeing two people being cordial and ultimately being happy?

 

i dont' like the idea of D trust me. i think about my kids...a lot on this. I feel like it would be abandoning them but that's not true as someone pointed out here. it would be more easier on them. i die a thousand deaths hearing that...but im afraid it might be true. if that's the case, are mow and i better off together or not? i assume you must be a BS since you have a more rigid view on A's and the entire gravitational pull it has had on the masses.