The 11th Hour and D-Day is coming: Admissions of Fear

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Total BS. Say your married, you meet a guy you find attractive. You options are admit you find him attractive and move on or find a way to "get to know him better" under the pretense of friendship. In the process of being friends you feel yourself being attached. Your married and you know its wrong so your options are now to cut it off or continue down that path.

 

See there are many options before love becomes a factor. Affairs never ever just happen. WS's make them happen, period. It doesn't matter the state of your marriage, how bad your spouse is the WS went looking for the affair by making decisions along the way to stay engaged long before real feelings were involved. Even as feelings are involved your not a mindless robot programed to be unfaithful. Its your actions and decisions. WS's are not victims in infidelity no matter how they try to make it so. If your marriage sucks fix it or get out.

 

I try my best to be polite to you and you start off responses as total BS, so you make it difficult. I find your view on love and life to be so narrow and Judgemental.

 

So all I can say in response to this is if I was with someone that didn't have compassion for the fact that feelings change over the years and that life is a very turbulent ride with a lot of hard decisions thrown our way causing both parties to likely get tempted to stray, particularly if feeling unhappy within the relationship, I would be much happier not being in that relationship. So perhaps some should count their blessings for being away from such staunchly Judgemental people.

 

Growth happens with forgiveness

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Hi DKT3

 

Actually mow said in the future if it wasn't me it would likely be someone else since she's not happy with her h. They have serious issues that lead me to believe that I'm not "the one" but feel like one of many that may have passed by.

 

Honestly, not seeing now for a few days...something is happening. I'm not sure what but I have far less tolerance for mow at the moment. I'll see her today but I really feel like being away has helped me feel less crowded and free to think.

 

Please break it off with her ASAP.

 

Do it kindly.

 

Don't turn her into a villian in your mind because you are scared of the fallout or dug yourself in too far. You both dug this hole together. Don't blame her for it.

 

Affairs are terrible things. The only thing to spring forth from them is anguish. Accept this. Learn this. Fix your marriage.

 

End this now.

[DKT3]

I try my best to be polite to you and you start off responses as total BS, so you make it difficult. I find your view on love and life to be so narrow and Judgemental.

 

So all I can say in response to this is if I was with someone that didn't have compassion for the fact that feelings change over the years and that life is a very turbulent ride with a lot of hard decisions thrown our way causing both parties to likely get tempted to stray, particularly if feeling unhappy within the relationship, I would be much happier not being in that relationship. So perhaps some should count their blessings for being away from such staunchly Judgemental people.

 

Growth happens with forgiveness

 

If I wanted to justify robbing old ladies I could. LTR have ebbs and flow it is not about being happy every second or even being "IN LOVE" with your partner all the time. Respect is what carries you through those time. Respect mean you don't turn to someone outside of the marriage at the first sign of trouble or even at all. You call it judgemental I call it honoring the commitment.

 

If the marriage is sooo bad, so unfulfilling then why put yourself through it. I guess that is where I have a hard time.

 

If infidelity was ok going by what you've laid out, there would be 100% infidelity in marriages.

 

My personal opinion is, its all excuses to make one feel better about themself for being something horrible.

 

I would also count my blessings that my fWW doesn't place her decision to be unfaithful on my plate. It is 100% her and she owns it.

[Hope Shimmers]

If the marriage is sooo bad, so unfulfilling then why put yourself through it. I guess that is where I have a hard time.

 

That makes a lot of sense DKT until you are in the position of living it, then it's not that black and white. Although I was not involved in an A during my marriage, I know how difficult it can be to get out of a bad marriage.

 

Some people make choices to avoid making a decision about a bad marriage by having an A - right or wrong. There are also many people who are so emotionally crushed from being in a bad marriage that they can't make rational decisions. I have been there. I could have become involved in an A during my marriage, and in the right circumstances, I might have. Not that it would have been right.

 

You made the point that marriage partners who respect each other don't make a conscious decision to cheat. Yet, your wife did that to you - and you forgave her. Why? Because she made a mistake? Yes, she owned it, but it doesn't change the decision or the disrespect. Others who are in a similar position may make decisions that they otherwise wouldn't have made. It doesn't make those decisions "right", but there is a lot more to it than just the black and white of getting out of a "bad marriage" rather than having an A. It wasn't in the case of your wife either - there are lots of different levels of "bad" and a lot of confusion about how a decision to leave a marriage will impact EVERYONE.

 

Just my two cents.

[conflictedlove]

That makes a lot of sense DKT until you are in the position of living it, then it's not that black and white. Although I was not involved in an A during my marriage, I know how difficult it can be to get out of a bad marriage.

 

Some people make choices to avoid making a decision about a bad marriage by having an A - right or wrong. There are also many people who are so emotionally crushed from being in a bad marriage that they can't make rational decisions. I have been there. I could have become involved in an A during my marriage, and in the right circumstances, I might have. Not that it would have been right.

 

You made the point that marriage partners who respect each other don't make a conscious decision to cheat. Yet, your wife did that to you - and you forgave her. Why? Because she made a mistake? Yes, she owned it, but it doesn't change the decision or the disrespect. Others who are in a similar position may make decisions that they otherwise wouldn't have made. It doesn't make those decisions "right", but there is a lot more to it than just the black and white of getting out of a "bad marriage" rather than having an A. It wasn't in the case of your wife either - there are lots of different levels of "bad" and a lot of confusion about how a decision to leave a marriage will impact EVERYONE.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Hi Hope,

 

Thank you and I agree with your wise words of wisdom.

 

I know it can be frustrating for a BS to feel as if being caught up in an A is an absolute black or white answer. It's not and that is the most difficult part of being ensnared in a LTR A.

 

I recall the study dr helen fisher did on lovers and their addiction. The brain chemical reaction, according to dr fisher, is the same of those who are addicted to narcotix. They long for the other person (AP or lover) and the farther away each remains from each other, the more anxious they become. No matter how great the barriers between them, they find a way to make it to each other and appease the addiction.

 

its one big aphrodisiac addiction. The addition to an A is so overwhelming its the fog that clouds one's thinking, feelings and judgment. In the cases of a bS, the answer is simple..stop. IT's not that easy, however the good news for AP's who want out is that most A's die out after 3-6 months max. Those that go on longer have far more to do with people entering into the LTR stage.

 

I bring this up since some folks, as genuine as they speak here, mean well by taking the hard line. dr fisher's studies have shown the hard line is ineffective. often times, its the kind spirited discussions and talk through the pros and cons of an A that often lead those entrapped to escape.

 

i have found that in my a, my intimate relationship with my w is higher. i think mow allowed me to not have a filter during our intimate times we have. The problem is, and i can admit it here, having entered both on the same night on a few occasions is quite thrilling. in the end, i know there can only be one. when it comes to satisfying that need, my w def has the upper hand during the moments but post deposit, mow and i have a more intimate closeness. we talk life, dreams and really have so much to share verbally.

 

So to your point....there are degrees of A and the longer an A goes on, the fog does start to dissipate and one starts to realize that the A demands a decision. There are some here on LS that just keep going and AP's can create the balance.....somehow i missed that tutorial. My impasse is coming and there will be no way around being forced to love one, the other, but i really need both.

[conflictedlove]

If I wanted to justify robbing old ladies I could. LTR have ebbs and flow it is not about being happy every second or even being "IN LOVE" with your partner all the time. Respect is what carries you through those time. Respect mean you don't turn to someone outside of the marriage at the first sign of trouble or even at all. You call it judgemental I call it honoring the commitment.

 

If the marriage is sooo bad, so unfulfilling then why put yourself through it. I guess that is where I have a hard time.

 

If infidelity was ok going by what you've laid out, there would be 100% infidelity in marriages.

 

My personal opinion is, its all excuses to make one feel better about themself for being something horrible.

 

I would also count my blessings that my fWW doesn't place her decision to be unfaithful on my plate. It is 100% her and she owns it.

 

Hi DKT3,

 

Thank you and I'm curious, I'll have to look back but can you share why your fww went down the journey of an A? There's a reason...and often times as spouses we take for granted the other. it does happen and as cow said, feelings and people change over the years. it's true and once it happens, its very difficult to go back.

 

i find that being married as long as i have, my w and have not been close like my mow and i are. its a shame but its our own fault. my w is tied to her family first and i'm tied to anything that i can invest my time in. now that we have kids, we both have a common ground but in reality, that's all there is apart from the climx of sx that my w can take me to that mow can't. its a concern but love is much more than that.

[conflictedlove]

Conflicted.

 

Here's your problem: you are waiting to *feel* differently about OW or your W before you act. This is backwards. You must act first, and the feelings will follow.

 

Right now you have backed yourself into a corner where *someone* - in fact, at least two people (you and OW, or you and W) are going to get hurt. This is paralyzing you because you hate hurting people, least of all yourself. So you are staying in the status quo as an avoidance mechanism. But what you don't seem to grasp is that this - what you are doing now to OW and W - is also an action. You are actively hurting them every day you continue like this. And also hurting yourself (in case that's more persuasive to you).

 

Tomorrow, try taking a DIFFERENT action. Leave OW, with compassion and acknowledgment for what you did.

 

The feelings will follow. You must ACT first.

 

Hi Saga,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Yes, you are correct on several points.

 

I don't think we realize how difficult it is. It's not just a cut off the situation and walk away. I mentioned earlier, dr helen fisher did several medical diagnosis on lovers and their brain chemical reaction. What she found is the same addiction and need is the same that those suffering from addiction to coke suffer from. It's in addiction in the mind and body. NO matter how large the obstacle, both impacted lovers only strive more and push harder to see each other until the aphrodisiac is complete. it's beyond just checking off a box on a ballot.

 

I can admit..i'm waiting for the situation to go away in part. meaning, once mow gets another place to work, we will know for sure if we are meant to be. we will know if the distance and time away is the driving force to push us into the rest of our lives or just become a distant memory.

 

lets face it, the age factor, kids and how the A started have me really reserved about remotely believing mow and i can make it together. the odds feel so stacked up against us that the first or second fallout we have if we conjoin could be the end, just like that! Why, because both of our spouses are passive and we both are the take charge and make all decision spouses in our relationships. those habits we have will clash and until we learn to let go of being the one in charge, the tug of war alone may be enough to send us down the river...broken.

[conflictedlove]

You don't pay attention to your wife and she doesn't pay attention to you

 

Hi Sunny,

 

Yes you are correct about that. my w doesn't and neither do i. our kids are the strongest bond to us but its not enough to sustain us. I know it isn't and i think you do too! What happens at the empty nest moment? we look at each other and say "who are you?" and really decide how much the kids were a distraction to reality.

 

mow is in the same boat except her age factor is likely impairing our LTR plans. i don't want to be see or viewed as some mid 40s male going through mid lifer crisistimes. It feels like that but its not. I think we can do it but when i ready the data and facts, its a 1% change out of 10% change that we could make it...its heartbreaking.

 

i do love my w and looking at her today..i thought about what i could do with her but she's not close either. on the other hand, she's that way because im in control and she's only reflection of what i have or have not put into the relationship. i'm feeling guilty i better stop.

 

mow is in the same boat....we just need to get her another employer and she can decide to leave her h and decide if i'm it for her. i suspect she will change her mind, find her new job challenging and reward and gain the need for acknowledgement there. i will be like the old toy that she tosses back into the toybox..never to seen again.

[DKT3]

That makes a lot of sense DKT until you are in the position of living it, then it's not that black and white. Although I was not involved in an A during my marriage, I know how difficult it can be to get out of a bad marriage.

 

Some people make choices to avoid making a decision about a bad marriage by having an A - right or wrong. There are also many people who are so emotionally crushed from being in a bad marriage that they can't make rational decisions. I have been there. I could have become involved in an A during my marriage, and in the right circumstances, I might have. Not that it would have been right.

 

You made the point that marriage partners who respect each other don't make a conscious decision to cheat. Yet, your wife did that to you - and you forgave her. Why? Because she made a mistake? Yes, she owned it, but it doesn't change the decision or the disrespect. Others who are in a similar position may make decisions that they otherwise wouldn't have made. It doesn't make those decisions "right", but there is a lot more to it than just the black and white of getting out of a "bad marriage" rather than having an A. It wasn't in the case of your wife either - there are lots of different levels of "bad" and a lot of confusion about how a decision to leave a marriage will impact EVERYONE.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Hope, I think you already know the answer to the questions you've asked but I'll play along. Also its will answer conflictedlove's question.

 

She didn't respect me at the time she started her affair, and was unsure if she wanted to continue in the marriage. I earned a divorce, not because I did anything with the intent to hurt her but because I had spent a lot of years thinking I knew better then she did what she needed from me. She begged and pleaded with me to find another career, I was only home about one week a month. She had had enough. Now, as I have stated many times here I would have rather had her run me over with her car as she was leaving me then for her to have had the affair. Her affair in my opinion was an exist one. She may come along a say something different, but that my opinion.

 

As to why I have forgiven her, well I don't think I have. I'm still very bitter for what she did then. However, I have given her a second chance as has she with me. We are both different people NOW and this is a new relationship. Maybe someday I can truly forgive her for it. She has said she doesn't need it, and its for me. Now I haven't forgiven her, but I don't bust her over the head with the affair. I don't throw it in her face.

 

Also Hope remember I have gone through divorce, I fully understand how difficult it is and how easy it is to "go along" with the marriage and not pull the trigger. It took me six months after I made the decision to divorce before I did it.

[Owl]

I try my best to be polite to you and you start off responses as total BS, so you make it difficult. I find your view on love and life to be so narrow and Judgemental.

 

So all I can say in response to this is if I was with someone that didn't have compassion for the fact that feelings change over the years and that life is a very turbulent ride with a lot of hard decisions thrown our way causing both parties to likely get tempted to stray, particularly if feeling unhappy within the relationship, I would be much happier not being in that relationship. So perhaps some should count their blessings for being away from such staunchly Judgemental people.

 

Growth happens with forgiveness

 

His view on love and life are spot on accurate.

 

You fell in love with OW because you chose to feed the attraction to her, rather than to step back and safeguard your marriage.

 

Really...the relationship that 'blossoms into love' does so because it's the relationship that was invested in the most...always at the expense of the other one.

 

You are where you're at right now...where you've been for an astoundingly long period of time (waffling) precisely because you lack a view on love that would cause you to do something differently.

 

I have to give you credit. I've never in all my years seen someone so bent on talking his problems to death with absolutely ZERO focus whatsoever on changing or fixing them.

 

Frankly...you need to get off of LS...and get into some kind of REAL, PROFESSIONAL LEVEL COUNSELING.

[sagamore]

Hi Saga,

 

Thank you for your post.

 

Yes, you are correct on several points.

 

I don't think we realize how difficult it is. It's not just a cut off the situation and walk away. I mentioned earlier, dr helen fisher did several medical diagnosis on lovers and their brain chemical reaction. What she found is the same addiction and need is the same that those suffering from addiction to coke suffer from. It's in addiction in the mind and body. NO matter how large the obstacle, both impacted lovers only strive more and push harder to see each other until the aphrodisiac is complete. it's beyond just checking off a box on a ballot.

 

I can admit..i'm waiting for the situation to go away in part. meaning, once mow gets another place to work, we will know for sure if we are meant to be. we will know if the distance and time away is the driving force to push us into the rest of our lives or just become a distant memory.

 

lets face it, the age factor, kids and how the A started have me really reserved about remotely believing mow and i can make it together. the odds feel so stacked up against us that the first or second fallout we have if we conjoin could be the end, just like that! Why, because both of our spouses are passive and we both are the take charge and make all decision spouses in our relationships. those habits we have will clash and until we learn to let go of being the one in charge, the tug of war alone may be enough to send us down the river...broken.

 

Fine. How does one quit coke, can you remind me? Does it involve extended discussion and a gradual weaning off the drug? No. It involves detox. Cold turkey. You need to get your brain off this chemical and then learn healthy habits in order to prevent relapse. You can't think clearly when you're on coke.

 

And...I'm sorry, but can you seriously say you are the partner in your relationship who takes charge and makes all the decisions? If so, you should start acting like it. Seems like you are waiting for anyone or anything to save you from having to make a decision here.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Hope,

 

Thank you and I agree with your wise words of wisdom.

 

I know it can be frustrating for a BS to feel as if being caught up in an A is an absolute black or white answer. It's not and that is the most difficult part of being ensnared in a LTR A.

 

I recall the study dr helen fisher did on lovers and their addiction. The brain chemical reaction, according to dr fisher, is the same of those who are addicted to narcotix. They long for the other person (AP or lover) and the farther away each remains from each other, the more anxious they become. No matter how great the barriers between them, they find a way to make it to each other and appease the addiction.

 

its one big aphrodisiac addiction. The addition to an A is so overwhelming its the fog that clouds one's thinking, feelings and judgment. In the cases of a bS, the answer is simple..stop. IT's not that easy, however the good news for AP's who want out is that most A's die out after 3-6 months max. Those that go on longer have far more to do with people entering into the LTR stage.

 

I bring this up since some folks, as genuine as they speak here, mean well by taking the hard line. dr fisher's studies have shown the hard line is ineffective. often times, its the kind spirited discussions and talk through the pros and cons of an A that often lead those entrapped to escape.

 

i have found that in my a, my intimate relationship with my w is higher. i think mow allowed me to not have a filter during our intimate times we have. The problem is, and i can admit it here, having entered both on the same night on a few occasions is quite thrilling. in the end, i know there can only be one. when it comes to satisfying that need, my w def has the upper hand during the moments but post deposit, mow and i have a more intimate closeness. we talk life, dreams and really have so much to share verbally.

 

So to your point....there are degrees of A and the longer an A goes on, the fog does start to dissipate and one starts to realize that the A demands a decision. There are some here on LS that just keep going and AP's can create the balance.....somehow i missed that tutorial. My impasse is coming and there will be no way around being forced to love one, the other, but i really need both.

 

Let me be very clear in stating that my post was in no way meant to be taken as agreement with you or your situation. I also did not intend to "advocate" having an A in any way.

 

My point (which, with all due respect, you missed - whether that was my fault or not) was only to address the comment made by DKT3 "either fix your marriage or leave it". I indicated that I don't believe it is always as black and white for everyone such that they know when and how to fix or or leave it. People, being imperfect, may end up in situations they later regret (ie, affairs) and end up hurt and hurting others in the process.

 

You, in contrast, posted here more than 2 years ago and were told over and over that you were making a mistake by getting involved in an A. Yet you chose to do it anyway, and now you are here lamenting it to the tune of 17+ pages of endless dissertation and discombobulation because you want others to justify your behavior (or lack thereof). Meanwhile you sit around doing absolutely nothing and in the process you are lying to and hurting both women in your life while you wait around for something to happen that might save your butt.

 

Therefore, sorry. I do not agree with you and find the need to make that very clear. Good luck.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope, I think you already know the answer to the questions you've asked but I'll play along. Also its will answer conflictedlove's question.

 

I do know the answer and I should have stated that in my post. Sorry for that. My point in asking was just that - because there are often extenuating circumstances, people aren't perfect, they make mistakes that they later regret, etc.

 

As to why I have forgiven her, well I don't think I have. I'm still very bitter for what she did then. However, I have given her a second chance as has she with me. We are both different people NOW and this is a new relationship. Maybe someday I can truly forgive her for it. She has said she doesn't need it, and its for me. Now I haven't forgiven her, but I don't bust her over the head with the affair. I don't throw it in her face.

 

Okay - understood. Thanks for clarifying.

 

After thinking about it, it's not that I disagree with your black and white "either fix the marriage or get out of it" statement. I do agree with it. I think - with all due respect because I do like and respect you - it is the way the message comes across sometimes that makes me cringe a bit when I read it. I think I have a tendency to feel for people who get themselves in this situation, even though they should not have done so. I believe people are imperfect and that there is often not a lot of clarity on a personal level how to handle being in a difficult marriage. Most people don't want to be in an A and most are here trying to get themselves out of it. It's a painful place to be and it can be hard to hear the "fix it or get out of it" message after they have screwed up.

 

Also Hope remember I have gone through divorce, I fully understand how difficult it is and how easy it is to "go along" with the marriage and not pull the trigger. It took me six months after I made the decision to divorce before I did it.

 

Yes I know. It took me 17 years to get out of my bad marriage. Fixing it takes 2 people and it is hard to understand sometimes - when you are directly in the middle of it - how to fix it, or even if it needs fixing.

[WakingUp]

Hi Hope,

 

Thank you and I agree with your wise words of wisdom.

 

I know it can be frustrating for a BS to feel as if being caught up in an A is an absolute black or white answer. It's not and that is the most difficult part of being ensnared in a LTR A.

 

I recall the study dr helen fisher did on lovers and their addiction. The brain chemical reaction, according to dr fisher, is the same of those who are addicted to narcotix. They long for the other person (AP or lover) and the farther away each remains from each other, the more anxious they become. No matter how great the barriers between them, they find a way to make it to each other and appease the addiction.

 

its one big aphrodisiac addiction. The addition to an A is so overwhelming its the fog that clouds one's thinking, feelings and judgment. In the cases of a bS, the answer is simple..stop. IT's not that easy, however the good news for AP's who want out is that most A's die out after 3-6 months max. Those that go on longer have far more to do with people entering into the LTR stage.

 

I bring this up since some folks, as genuine as they speak here, mean well by taking the hard line. dr fisher's studies have shown the hard line is ineffective. often times, its the kind spirited discussions and talk through the pros and cons of an A that often lead those entrapped to escape.

 

i have found that in my a, my intimate relationship with my w is higher. i think mow allowed me to not have a filter during our intimate times we have. The problem is, and i can admit it here, having entered both on the same night on a few occasions is quite thrilling. in the end, i know there can only be one. when it comes to satisfying that need, my w def has the upper hand during the moments but post deposit, mow and i have a more intimate closeness. we talk life, dreams and really have so much to share verbally.

 

So to your point....there are degrees of A and the longer an A goes on, the fog does start to dissipate and one starts to realize that the A demands a decision. There are some here on LS that just keep going and AP's can create the balance.....somehow i missed that tutorial. My impasse is coming and there will be no way around being forced to love one, the other, but i really need both.

 

 

The bolded. Am I reading this right?

 

 

Good grief.

[conflictedlove]

The bolded. Am I reading this right?

 

 

Good grief.

 

Post discussion

 

Those typos

[Sub]

The bolded. Am I reading this right?

 

 

Good grief.

 

Beat me to it. There are no words.

[WakingUp]

Post deposit.

 

 

He may have been banking.

[Sub]

I also like the term "entered". Although the drive-thru ATM is soooooo much faster. Only drawback, though: no free lollipops.

Edited October 16, 2014 by Sub

[WakingUp]

Too funny. Wonder if he took his helmet off before he entered or if he made any withdrawals?

 

 

Sorry mods, just trying to lighten things up.

[eleanorrigby]

Too funny. Wonder if he took his helmet off before he entered or if he made any withdrawals?

 

 

Sorry mods, just trying to lighten things up.

 

Is he referring to the Harley Love Bank?

 

 

[FusionCutter]

There's been so much discussion I this thread I almost feel it should be locked up. What's left is the OP to take action. If any.

[beach]

Deposit in the same category as not being capable emotionally of spelling out the word sex and also referring to his kids as "offspring".

 

OP haven't you ever addressed your lack of intimacy level with a professional?

 

Your mindset is extremely "sterile".

[conflictedlove]

I do know the answer and I should have stated that in my post. Sorry for that. My point in asking was just that - because there are often extenuating circumstances, people aren't perfect, they make mistakes that they later regret, etc.

 

 

 

Okay - understood. Thanks for clarifying.

 

After thinking about it, it's not that I disagree with your black and white "either fix the marriage or get out of it" statement. I do agree with it. I think - with all due respect because I do like and respect you - it is the way the message comes across sometimes that makes me cringe a bit when I read it. I think I have a tendency to feel for people who get themselves in this situation, even though they should not have done so. I believe people are imperfect and that there is often not a lot of clarity on a personal level how to handle being in a difficult marriage. Most people don't want to be in an A and most are here trying to get themselves out of it. It's a painful place to be and it can be hard to hear the "fix it or get out of it" message after they have screwed up.

 

 

 

Yes I know. It took me 17 years to get out of my bad marriage. Fixing it takes 2 people and it is hard to understand sometimes - when you are directly in the middle of it - how to fix it, or even if it needs fixing.

 

Hi

 

I do believe everything you have shared here. It's not black and white. We are. It machines who can be switched on and off like a lampshand. The dynamic of human emotions can't be measured in time or space. Love defies logic and item times is granted without due cause.

 

As you stated, coming to grips with a bad marriage and letting go is difficult. No decision as such should be taken lightly.

 

Right now mow and I work at the same company and dept. it's not like I can cut away. Impossible. What dr Helen fisher stated has a direct relationship to how we feel and conquer obstacles in our way.

 

What in not clear on is there are times when a absolute response is expected and when it's not. BS always feel it's absolute until they take the time to step outside of themselves and study why their spouses get caught up in a's and study the emotion behind it. Most don't and therefore blame others instead of owning their part in why the marriage when south

[Lurkeraspect]

Pages and pages of advice for you. Pages and pages of excuses from you. Just be honest. You want this affair, and you also want to stay married. Just admit that, then press on.

 

There isn't a magic pill you can take, to make it all better. No one here can fix you or your life, only you can. Talking and talking for years and years is just that...talk.

 

If you wanted the affair to end, you'd end it. Same for your marriage. Clearly, you don't want to change anything, you just want to talk about it and play the victim. The only thing that's certain (to me) is that you thrive on attention and drama.

 

What's left to talk about.

[stillafool]

Hi Sunny,

 

Yes you are correct about that. my w doesn't and neither do i. our kids are the strongest bond to us but its not enough to sustain us. I know it isn't and i think you do too! What happens at the empty nest moment? we look at each other and say "who are you?" and really decide how much the kids were a distraction to reality.

 

mow is in the same boat except her age factor is likely impairing our LTR plans. i don't want to be see or viewed as some mid 40s male going through mid lifer crisistimes. It feels like that but its not. I think we can do it but when i ready the data and facts, its a 1% change out of 10% change that we could make it...its heartbreaking.

 

i do love my w and looking at her today..i thought about what i could do with her but she's not close either. on the other hand, she's that way because im in control and she's only reflection of what i have or have not put into the relationship. i'm feeling guilty i better stop.

 

mow is in the same boat....we just need to get her another employer and she can decide to leave her h and decide if i'm it for her. i suspect she will change her mind, find her new job challenging and reward and gain the need for acknowledgement there. i will be like the old toy that she tosses back into the toybox..never to seen again.

 

No I doubt if your MW leaves her job and gets another so you two can be together she is certainly not going to forget what her goal is - to be with you. If you are allowing the MW to quit her job in hopes of being with you, you must be serious about leaving your wife for her. No one is so cruel that they would make a person quit their job and not go through with the promise. You aren't that cruel are you? Perhaps so considering what you are doing to your wife. I just read you are in your 40's and I'm guessing so is your wife. She is still young enough to meet another man and fall head over heels in love with him and finally have a happy life with a man who wants only her. Please don't be heartless and deprive her of this. If you ever loved her set her free to find authentic love.